Ember pounded her staff on the floor, scowling at the hodgepodge of mammals packing her courtroom. "Dragon Court is now in session. Who the bloody fewmets are you, and what are you doing here?"

Twilight cleared her throat. "Well, I'm the juniormost crown princess of Equestria, and—"

"Not you, Twilight."

"OBJECTION!" A pair of blue hooves slammed into the bar as Rainbow Dash leapt from the lawyers' bench. "I move for an immediate mistrial, on the grounds that the judge cannot be objective due to her preexisting relationship with the defendant!"

The room burst into whispers. Ember raised an eyeridge. Dash smugged.

"You're saying," Ember said dubiously, "you think the fact I'm friends with Twilight compromises my ability to rule favorably for you?"

Dash nodded and crossed her forelegs.

"You know you're Twilight's lawyer, right?"

"I've got her off balance already," Dash whispered to a facehoofing Twilight. "We got this."

Ember sighed and turned to the shins of the hulking figure at Dash's side. "Overruled. Let's try this again. Who's your client, dad?"

Torch adjusted his old-lady librarian glasses as the tuxedoed minotaur at his side stood. "Iron Will. He seeks recognition of his right to the Equestrian throne, having valiantly defeated its ruler in single combat."

"No he didn't!" Twilight blurted out. "It was a friendly dance-off!"

"Whoah there! Let's keep this under control." Dash put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder and smiled. Then she turned and pounded the bar. "OBJECTION! It was a friendly dance-off!"

"What do you have to say to that?" Ember asked the plaintiffs.

"The Dragon Accords are quite clear that dragon law, including succession law, applies to all allies with mutual aid treaties, including Equestria."

Iron Will gravely nodded. "If they assert reality, stand on technicality."

"Objection overruled," Ember said. "Plaintiffs, call your first witness."

Torch wheeled a hospital bed up to the witness stand. "DJ Pon-3. You want me to swear her in for you, sweetie?"

"Thanks, dad."

"Alright. Raise your hoof. Now swear."

Vinyl coughed weakly. "Fuck."

"Thank you. What's your current medical condition?"

"Disco infernicus, aka dance-related third-degree sick burns." Vinyl coughed again, and pressed the morphine button on her IV drip.

"Were you present for the dance battle in question?"

"Hell naw fam. I was in Zebrica on, air quote, """business""", when I felt a disturbance in the force. Twilight's dancing was so bad it hospitalized me from three countries away."

"No further questions."

"Your witness," Ember said.

Dash leapt up and slammed her hooves to the bar. "OBJECTION!"

"What, really?"

"Sorry, it's a reflex." Dash coughed into a hoof, then dramatically pointed it at Vinyl. "What makes you qualified to offer medical diagnoses?"

"I flew over a hospital last week during my morning exercises."

Dash's eyes lit up. "Seriously‽ I thought I was the only one!"

"Wait, you learn by overflight too?" Vinyl leaned forward, a bright and simple joy overtaking the haggard weariness in her pain-dulled features. "Oh. My. Celestia! You have no idea how alone I've always felt!"

"Uhhh," Twilight said, "aren't you a unicorn?"

"Hush, Twilight, we're having a moment," Dash said. "No further questions."

Ember nodded. "Defense, swear in your first witness."

"Nagatha Harshwhinny," Dash said, and a purple-sweatered figure marched across the room. "Now raise your right hoof and swear."

Harshwhinny gave Dash a disdainful look. Three countries away, the shriveled remnants of the author's dignity burst into flames.

"You know what," Dash said, "that was a bad idea. We call Vice-Principal Luna from Equestria Girls."

Luna sashayed in, sat down, and raised her right hand. "F██k."

"Now, in your expert opinion as part-time school nurse," Dash said, "Twilight Sparkle is a pony, right?"

Luna crossed her long, shapely legs. "Correct."

Dash leaned forward with a smirk. "And ponies are bilaterally symmetrical?"

Luna nodded.

"I submit to the court," Dash said, "that the dance-off was not a fair competition, as rulership challenges require." A murmur swept through the crowd as she pointed dramatically at Twilight. "Twilight Sparkle literally has two left hooves!"

"A good point," Ember admitted. "Case dismissed."

A cheering crowd swept Twilight up onto their backs, mostly to keep her from dancing ever again. A single tear trickled down Torch's face. Iron Will patted his leg and whispered comfortingly, "When you can't live up to the standards of Ally McBeal, plan your appeal."

And everypony lived happily ever after, until the dance nazis' coup.