The word choice here added quite a bit to the story, which is the third one to delve into the thought process of characters with various degrees of villainess to them. I suppose the prompt was quite apt for such kinds of musings.

Anyway, while there hardly was something new or surprising on the content side, it delivered what it had very well. I felt the writing was quite solid, the choice to intermingle the two threads of consciousness worked and, as i said at the beginning, the voice was particularly strong thanks to the words used.

The last line specifically was splendid. Nice work.

Oooh. I can't say much about this one, because I felt it went a little over my head, so I couldn't fully appreciate this. However, the tone of this fic was perfect. The tone, the mood and the relationship of Luna and Nightmare Moon was mysterious, and dark, and oh I just loved it! The word choice added more flavor, almost too much, but not so much that it took away from the fic. And the prose allowed the voice of both characters to really take form and shine. Plus, this fic has a bangin' title. Great job!

Surprisingly not the name of a Magic card. Yet.

In any case, a fascinating portrayal of the nature of the Nightmare. I especially love the contrast between the two voices. To say nothing of Luna realize the true depths of her mistake only once it was far, far too late to correct it. Superb work all around.

I will be tackling my review and/or critique a bit differently than what I'm used to doing. I've decided, since everyone's got a good handle of talking about conflict, characterization, and that sort of thing, to focus instead on the prose itself. In this critique, I will be attempting to examine how the word choice, sentence structure, order of events, and point of view influence the tone of the story, based on what it's trying to accomplish (from my perspective). Take this however you will.

For those looking for my general thoughts on this story, here it is: the conflict between Luna and the Nightmare spirit is contrastingly outstanding. It told enough about the world to show us the severity of her/their actions, and it displays each one's philosophy nicely. Criticisms from me include questionable word choices, and a few moments where I felt the point of view was confused. Overall, a great story throughout.

And author, whoever you may be, the criticisms I have aren't meant to be discouraging; they are merely my observations, and my attempts to extrapolate what I liked and didn't like, and why I felt it hurt the tone and events of the story. Take them for however you will, but please keep that in mind.



Firstly, I'll commend the point of view. The dueling personalities was delicious (for lack of a better word) to read, and the contrast between a forlorn, musing Luna and the bitter, vengeful Nightmare spirit made for a great internal conflict. The prose itself switched between calm introspection and vitriol; the word choice conveyed a lot of that, and the pacing switched each on a dime to create a nice suspense.

Was it my sister, who prevented us from fulfilling your true potential, or was it the vacuous populace who cannot appreciate the beauty of darkness!

Yes, I wanted them to see how darkness, by merely existing, enhances the appreciation of what little light there is, be it a candle or the Moon gleaming off of a pond. After all, what is the night without the day to complement it?

Rapture.

These, in particular, were moments I felt stand out. The interruptions really help the conflict, showing how little say Luna has since she infused herself with the Nightmare spirit. That single "Rapture" all by itself was very poignant, a slight break from what came before that makes it all the more menacing. Fantastic job! If I were being nitpicky (which I will be, by just saying this), I would question why Celestia prevented them from achieving her true potential, instead of either preventing herfrom achieving her true potential, or preventing them from achieving their true potential. To me, it doesn't make sense from the Nightmare's perspective; why simultaneously force them together (us) and separate them (your)? I would also nitpick that I don't see the descriptive value of "darkness, by merely existing" when something like "constant darkness," "overwheming darkness," "vast darkness," or "prolonged darkness" would've driven the enhancement of light a clearer picture.

But those nitpicks could just be me. The point of view is carried through very well in the majority of the story, and their dueling personalities, peppered with the cajoling from the Nightmare spirit ("Accept me into your heart, and we as one can accomplish astonishing acts.") made for an incredible dynamic.

With that being said, there was one place that In felt like the Nightmare spirit said something odd.

I felt that ponies could not treasure the inherent duality in our existence. Looking upon the Earth now, soaked in both day and night simultaneously, I cannot help but think that the entirety of it is my birthright.

I don't know if birthrights are applicable to this mindset. She wanted appreciation and equality, I would think. Even if it is the Nightmare Spirit that wants the Earth by birthright, how would it convince Luna to accept that? Wouldn't it be Celestia's birthright, since she's older? What birthright does the Nightmare Spirit possess? I apologize if I missed something, but I felt that not only was that confusing, but it muddled up the point of view; I don't know if the Nightmare Spirit said this to Luna, or if it was talking to itself.

I would like to get as much value out of my comment as possible, so I'm going to add this nitpick that you are totally free to ignore:

… I want my life back. I want my respect back. I want my sister back. Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus was a grave error. The morning after my banishment concludes―

In the show, we know that Princess Luna didn't feel appreciated enough, and that she was being completely overshadowed by Celestia. With any other character, I could understand wanting respect back, but given what happens in the show, it would make more sense that she would want respect, period. Unless... there were ponies that respected her before, but just not enough to make her feel equal or important; or maybe her importance was acknowledged, but not appreciated like her sister's and—GAH! Okay, take the above whinging for whatever it's worth.

Sentence structure next. I appreciate how the sentences are paced, switching from philosophical musing that's bound to occur from being on the Moon, to quick bursts of emotion that help give the conflict its passion.

As I witness the Earth rise from my Lunar prison-throne, I cannot help but muse just exactly what we aimed to subjugate.

Was it my sister, who prevented us from fulfilling your true potential,

After all, what is the night without the day to complement it?

Rapture.

There will be no morning after the banishment concludes.

…

…

…

What have I done?

I think this greatly helps the tone and tension, since the reflection that Luna so desperately needs to do, wants to do for herself and everyone else, is constantly interrupted by the violent Nightmare spirit and her own emotions. It gives the story a liveliness, a dynamic struggle to steer us along, a conflict to get through without succumbing to the hatred. I don't have any complaints about sentence structuring.

I think the progression the story goes through is natural, and presents each moment in a significant manner. It begins with musing about herself, and then about the world around her, and then the world below her, and her future. It moves from the past to present to future, presenting the weight of each piece nicely. Luna's able to look back mournfully while the Nightmare spirit lingers in anger at being defeated so. In the present, Luna's able to attempt to calm her mind, while the Nightmare spirit takes the opportunity to get Luna to join in her anger. At future thoughts, Luna yearns for better times, while the Nightmare spirits wants vengeance. This also lends to the dynamic conflict the two entities are going through, so very nice job!

The last thing I'd like to talk about is the word choice. I like the simplistic, and yet poetic, words you gave Luna and the Nightmare spirit. Luna's words are calm and allow for deep thought, while the Nightmare spirit's Rapture, perfection, vacuous, birthright (even though it doesn't fit in the story, I don't think) and accept (yes, I went out of order. I'm sorry) are all striking words that fight to gain momentum towards revenge.

However, I do think that a lot of words used weren't used well. The word choice in many places is the biggest thing I would criticize about this particular story. Luna wanted appreciation and equality, and believes herself just; why would she ask who she wanted to subjugate? Why would she say that she worked through a pure act of will when working by force would've been more applicable to what happened? If the Nightmare spirit tried to help Luna accept her, why would it claim that it was superlative to her (I could see that, at least, if it's implied that it doesn't really care about her), and that she had to negotiate perfection? Why, if the Nightmare spirit is so focused on getting revenge and obliterating daylight, does it tell Luna that they can merely do astonishing acts together (this is less word-usage, admittedly, and more weakly applicable to the moment)?

There were a few other wording issues/nitpicks I had (that may or may not be valid). I didn't like the words "singular drive"; singular sounds too proper and not very emotional, while drive doesn't exactly fit with what she's feeling (I think; I'll admit that the connotation of "drive" isn't completely clear to me), and I think "single desire" would've worked better. "Prison-throne" sounds like you tried including two concepts, one of entrapment and one of dominance, and as it's written it sounds odd (perhaps putting throne in bolded italics would've helped?). I don't like how you use "vantage point"; it sounds too remote and technical. I don't like how you added "calmly" to "conversed", like you were trying to offer up an obvious solution, thus blunting the confusion and struggle. "Treachery" has the same issue, making her thoughts too black-and-white for what happened here (unless it's to signal that she's recognized the evil of the nightmare for what it truly is; in which case, good job).

That's it for my nitpicks. They may not be applicable to the story or your writing style; those were just my observations on how words were used. They're individual cases, however, in a bulk that does work. The poetic nature of the words used in introspection, pondering, and lashing out works most of the time, and the word choice was really good. The above were just places where I thought the tone was thrown off, and the overall message was muddled.

One last criticism/nitpick/gargling:

I cannot help but dream of my ascendancy over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.

I don't know if it's just because Nightmare Moon was associated with ponies, and the story focused on the night and the ponies' perception of it, but this stuck out to me as something that didn't fit. It's poetic, nearly biblical in the way it was written, but it doesn't fit here, IMHO.

Overall, I do think this was a great story throughout. The dueling personalities trying to simultaneously merge and separate is a great conflict, each voice is distinct, each point of view sharply defined, the tragedy and danger of it all really nice, and the wording consistent. There were those places where I felt the word choice was off, and the characters weren't being true to the situation, but I won't say they detract from the overall story. Overall, I would give this a high recommendation.

And once again, please don't be discouraged if you're prone to being so. These are merely my observations, take them with a grain of salt.

Oh wow. What can I say after all that has been spelt out before?

I found the use of bold faces to be a little pushy. I wish you’d used italics instead.

But, otherwise, this somehow clashes headlong with my own headcanon, so while I can appreciate the story for what it is, I can’t really get involved in it. It’s a very well crafted interpretation of the Nightmare, just one I have a hard time to adhere to – it’s a bit alien to me. But I respect it, nevertheless! Wonderful depiction of the conflict.

Really great concept here, and a bold execution to go with it. I feel this set out with a very lofty goal, and almost accomplished it. The few flaws I found were mostly in the Nightmare's overly loquacious speech. The short interjections are sublime, but the longer ones become too flowerly, especially the one paraphrasing from Genesis. That is:

of my ascendancy over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.

Two problems here. First, it wanders too far afield from the "conversation" Luna was otherwise having with her darker self. Most of the other lines are responses, in spirit if not in literal truth, to Luna's own thoughts. This just takes off on its own though. Secondly, this is a bible verse, or, more accurately, "a well known quote" but is used out of context to mean something else, so it plays wrong in my head. Mostly that's because it's too specific about giving man (humans) dominion over the earth as a group, not an individual. Likewise, the specificity in "cattle" plays wrong in MLP, as cows talk here, unlike "fowl" and "fish." As such, a direct quote just muddles things to me.

That said, this is one of the strong stories on my slate, and I commend you author, for the bold choice of structure.

I noticed the length of Not_Worthy2's review a long time ago and was dreading reading this story because I thought it was going to be a mess if somepony had had that much to say. Colt, was I ever wrong.

Other reviewers have picked, so I needn't. >>Xepher sums up my only nitpicks anyway.

I thought this was breathtaking. You took the oldest and most tired of pony tropes and put a very clever spin upon it with a great deal of depth. You did it in a telly matter, but in this case that was the perfect approach, because you're revealing a duality of psychology—this needs to be all in L/NMM's headspace.

I can't find fault in the story or the general nature of its execution. This one must be published Fimfiction, author. I won't accept a "no".

>>Trick_Question
Addendum: I think the title would be better just as "Amalgam". Tossing in the value judgment in the title of your piece is a big mistake here. The reader should be able to come to that conclusion.

Abhorrent Amalgamation — B+ — Interesting interplay betwixt Nightmare and Night Mare, but difficult to pick apart to figure out just what is being discussed, even though the ‘who’ of the matter jumps out at the reader fairly easily.

Interesting. Was a good read. A unique look into Luna's thoughts and actions

Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus

Perhaps you meant succubus?

Or maybe not.

...Giggity.

Anyways, I thought this was pretty effective. In the opening, the fill-in-the-gaps nature of the over-the-top statements the nightmare inserts very nearly gets you two sentences for the price of one, and that's excellently well done. The slow divergence, until the enormity of the situation finally hits, is also well handled, and that stinger at the end is polished and pointed.

Downside? This is pretty much re-tread. It's a polished take on a familiar idea, but the idea really is very familiar. Well, it's not like I can really take points off for that, but yeah. Seen it before, knew where it was headed, wasn't really surprised.

Genre: Monologue Dialogue

Thoughts: I shouldn't have read through the other reviews. D: It's hard now to insert my own thoughts instead of heeding the word of your betters who have wisely covered many good and worthy points.

If I was just writing what I think, it would be far less useful. Because I suppose that speculation about the nature of the Nightmare and its glorious wisdom are probably familiar ground for many people, and this is basically just another one of those sorts of things.

But for me, subjective though my view may be, this might be the most magnificent take on that sort of thing that I've yet seen. The (ahem) abhorrent amalgamation of Luna's pointless nattering and the Nightmare's well-deserved insertions flowed very naturally for me, while also highlighting how unnatural the relationship must be.

I feel like this could be even stronger but I don't know how to recommend tweaking and tuning it, but the many other, more worthy reviews may hold actual useful ideas.

Tier: Strong

>>CoffeeMinion
I appreciate the implication that we other reviewers represent the esteemed and wise Nightmare in this analogy.

>>FanOfMostEverything
Hey, what's a little implication of eldritch evil among friends? :derpytongue2:

The Nightmare's lines are very evocative -- especially the final terseness of both "Rapture." and the final line.

And I love this fragment:

The morning after my banishment concludes―

There will be no morning after the banishment concludes.

That said,

the pulchritude inherent in boundless sunset

Sunset is a kind of half-assed night -- you can still see the sunlight! -- so I don't think the Nightmare would want it to last forever.

Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus

Wait, what? She had sex with a demon? (>>Not_A_Hat, an incubus is just a male version of a succubus.) OK, maybe she just stole some of the sex demon's "sticky sluice" and used it in magic rituals. Regardless, this kind of icky detail adds nothing to the story, and feels way too direct and blunt. It would be better to just refer vaguely to dealings with dark forces, without stooping to distractingly explicit descriptions of bodily fluids.

Hm. I wasn't sure if there was even a point in any detailed descriptions of the magic rituals. But on second thought, perhaps the meaning of this line is that Luna was originally having something way less malign in mind (some harmless magical way to teach Celestia a lesson?), but then she added that one ill-advised ingredient... and poof, Nightmare. Which quite changes the mood of the story. Instead of Luna becoming/attracting the Nightmare through sheer power of her resentment, she's ended up with it due to one single impulsive mistake -- which may be even more tragic.

>>JudgeDeadd

an incubus is just a male version of a succubus.

Yeah. And although I've always separated 'Luna' and 'the Nightmare' (Whatever curse/influence that made her Nightmare Moon) somewhat in my headcannon, I've always assumed the Nightmare was female, because it definitely influences her form with the transformation thing and if it was male, there would likely be differences. So although there's no reason an author can't make the Nightmare male and have that make sense, I don't see that suggested in the show or defended in the story, making my best guess a mistake on the author's part. If not, it seems like a sudden and un-rationalised headcannon dump, which might be smoother if rationalized/foreshadowed or something, so it's less out of left field.

The Great

All around solid with great interplay.

The Rough

"Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus" is a bad line here. Like, distractingly so. It just doesn't really read like any of Luna's other lines.

Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus

...w-what? You had me enraptured right up until this line.

I found myself laughing along with this story (with, not at) just because of how well the invective-laced Nightmare contrasted with the more even-keeled and demure Luna. I appreciate it as a character study, but I also couldn't help cracking up just a little bit.

Lovely prose, if a bit purpler than necessary at times, and a very good take on the duality of Luna and the Nightmare Moon persona.

>>Orbiting_kettle
>>ChappedPenguinLips
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Not_Worthy2
>>Monokeras
>>Xepher
>>Trick_Question
>>georg
>>Not_A_Hat
>>CoffeeMinion
>>JudgeDeadd
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
Thank you all for commenting on my story! It's much appreciated!

Now, retrospective on Abhorrent Amalgamation!

So, Duo Cartoonist released their The Moon Rises animation and I pretty much fell in love with it. I also wanted to experiment with my writing.

So I wrote a dimonologue between Luna and Nightmare, which people seemed to appreciate.

I wanted to start it off with Luna and Nightmare having distinctive voices which eventually began to blend together at the end, so for Luna, I chose a more technical approach and for the Nightmare I went with a far more poetic patter, which kind of swapped at the end. To sort of accentuate the grandiosity as well as make the alliteration work, I chose purposefully obscure words like pulchritude and utilized alternate definitions, like using incubus as a synonym for nightmare(guys seriously come on I don't think anyone's writing about sex demons in a pony writeoff).

I have to say I'm mostly pleased with the result and the reception, although in hindsight I probably wouldn't have cribbed a line from Genesis again―especially not from the King James Bible. There probably was a far more subtle way to invoke religious dog-whistling, like how I used the phrase "Accept me into your heart".

The give and take between the two, especially mid-sentence, was an absolute joy to write. One issue I'm having now is that I barely managed to breach 400 words and now have no idea how to expand it.

You know, it's kind of funny because I had a dream that I got a silver medal and was pretty pumped. Then I woke up, and when I went to freshen up I thought in my head "there's no way I got second place. I probably got... sixth." And to my surprise that was right on the nose!

Once again, thanks to everyone who read and commented on Abhorrent Amalgamation. I appreciate it!

>>Syeekoh

(guys seriously come on I don't think anyone's writing about sex demons in a pony writeoff)

Well, if anyone was going to do it...

>>Syeekoh

(guys seriously come on I don't think anyone's writing about sex demons in a pony writeoff)

Isn't that exactly what Gardez did with The Lamia?

>>The_Letter_J

Oh, hush.

>>Posh

Fair point, although I intended

Synthesizing with the sticky sluice of the incubus

to be synonymous with

entangling my essence with nightmares

.

If that many people were misled by my choice of wording, I suppose it's something to look into, but I personally think the intended meaning combined with the alliterative appeal is absolutely sublime, so I'm loath to change it.

>>Syeekoh
I think the latter of the two is vastly superior. The alliteration sounds like you're inserting poetry into the middle of drama, and it doesn't work for me. And it also is kind of confusing even if you have a large vocabulary.

Use words that people can read. Twenty-dollar words should be used very sparingly.

>>Syeekoh
Loath. Loath.

:P

Oh wait, it was Posh who I already corrected, not you. Anyways, yeah, 'loathe' is a different word.

>>Not_A_Hat
I stand corrected. Thank you.

>>Trick_Question
Well, I kind of did lace poetry throughout the entire minific.

>>Syeekoh
Not that kind of poetry, no.

ANGRY EYEBROWS ARGUEWOLF ARGUES FOREVER >:V >:| >:V >:| >:V

EDIT: I only do because yours was the best fic in the competition. :heart:

MOAR EDIT: oh who the buck am I kidding I do this with everypony :facehoof: