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This was a decent slice of life fic. I like the involvement of a diverse cast of characters for Dash to interact with. I like her dad.
Agreed with most of the reviewers about the dream sequence at the beginning. I had no idea until I read other reviews. It read exactly like a flashback to me and less like a dream.
What bothers me is that this story is full of tropes. I’ve seen practically all the ideas portrayed in this story before—a child moving to a new home in a cookie-cutter suburban neighboorhood, a strict teacher asking a napping/distracted student a question and the snob trope answering it for her, loud music making her feel better until a parent figure unplugs it with concern for noise and they get in a fight, and so on—none of it felt particularly interesting except for the dad offering to divorce and then offering Dash her own place, but even then those seem like extreme measures. I want to say the dad asked about the divorce hypothetically, but I’m not sure, because RD seemed to think it was a real offer.
Agreed with >>Posh: I don’t sympathize with Rainbow here. She seems to be instigating Crystal more than Crystal is—Crystal has some valid arguments. Now, both are, for lack of a better word, bitches towards each other, but Dash is moreso, and I couldn’t sympathise with either and I couldn’t get engaged. I could only sympathize with the dad, honestly. It also kept bothering me that the emotions expressed in this story just felt like general angst, which didn’t really interest me. It was expressed enough in dialogue to the point where I was like “yeah, I get it.”
Agreed that the ending doesn’t feel like a resolution, for the same reasons as Posh. There was some telliness in the narrative as well.
Agreed with most of the reviewers about the dream sequence at the beginning. I had no idea until I read other reviews. It read exactly like a flashback to me and less like a dream.
What bothers me is that this story is full of tropes. I’ve seen practically all the ideas portrayed in this story before—a child moving to a new home in a cookie-cutter suburban neighboorhood, a strict teacher asking a napping/distracted student a question and the snob trope answering it for her, loud music making her feel better until a parent figure unplugs it with concern for noise and they get in a fight, and so on—none of it felt particularly interesting except for the dad offering to divorce and then offering Dash her own place, but even then those seem like extreme measures. I want to say the dad asked about the divorce hypothetically, but I’m not sure, because RD seemed to think it was a real offer.
Agreed with >>Posh: I don’t sympathize with Rainbow here. She seems to be instigating Crystal more than Crystal is—Crystal has some valid arguments. Now, both are, for lack of a better word, bitches towards each other, but Dash is moreso, and I couldn’t sympathise with either and I couldn’t get engaged. I could only sympathize with the dad, honestly. It also kept bothering me that the emotions expressed in this story just felt like general angst, which didn’t really interest me. It was expressed enough in dialogue to the point where I was like “yeah, I get it.”
Agreed that the ending doesn’t feel like a resolution, for the same reasons as Posh. There was some telliness in the narrative as well.
War stories are not personally my thing, and stories about them don’t tend to draw me in, so there’s my personal bias. I didn’t enjoy this one, but I see elements that could be enjoyed by others—worldbuilding, a more satisfying and probably realistic battle than the canon 5-minute Nightmare Moon battle, and a bit of battle strategy.
People have already mentioned the archaic language thing, but it wasn’t a big problem for me, with the exception of thee/thou confusion.
I mostly agree with >>Astrarian on this one. For the most part, the narrative is very matter-of-fact, so much as to be distant from what’s going on, and so I couldn’t get emotionally invested. And hey, maybe distance is good for war generals, as it helps them be more objective decision-makers, but that doesn’t make for an immersive reading experience. One option is to make them more passionate. Or, I was thinking, what if the war was told from more passionate characters in this story—the soldier in the first scene who barges in, perhaps, and Dark Star on the other side of the battle? Or some other characters that directly serve the generals? That way, the generals could stay level-headed without sacrificing emotion in the narrative. Some sentiments of the princesses could be relayed through the generals, since I don’t think it’s necessary to establish that Celestia is regretful in banishing Luna and Luna wants her night to be appreciated, unless you’re establishing that the fanon here does indeed coincide with the canon legend from S1.
Agreed with Astrarian on the telliness, too. If you want to convey emotion and immediacy in action scenes, it helps to keep sentences short and choppy, and more stream-of-consciousness than matter-of-fact. Here’s another example:
I don’t feel the emotion here. Some contempt from the first two lines, but I don’t feel the immediacy. He doesn’t describe the pain from the burning flesh, only the smell, and neither does he seem to feel any emotion about this--fear for his life, or anger at his opponent, etc. These are told like facts in a list. It’s hard to empathize. It’s this kind of distance that keeps me feeling distant from the action and the characters.
People have already mentioned the archaic language thing, but it wasn’t a big problem for me, with the exception of thee/thou confusion.
I mostly agree with >>Astrarian on this one. For the most part, the narrative is very matter-of-fact, so much as to be distant from what’s going on, and so I couldn’t get emotionally invested. And hey, maybe distance is good for war generals, as it helps them be more objective decision-makers, but that doesn’t make for an immersive reading experience. One option is to make them more passionate. Or, I was thinking, what if the war was told from more passionate characters in this story—the soldier in the first scene who barges in, perhaps, and Dark Star on the other side of the battle? Or some other characters that directly serve the generals? That way, the generals could stay level-headed without sacrificing emotion in the narrative. Some sentiments of the princesses could be relayed through the generals, since I don’t think it’s necessary to establish that Celestia is regretful in banishing Luna and Luna wants her night to be appreciated, unless you’re establishing that the fanon here does indeed coincide with the canon legend from S1.
Agreed with Astrarian on the telliness, too. If you want to convey emotion and immediacy in action scenes, it helps to keep sentences short and choppy, and more stream-of-consciousness than matter-of-fact. Here’s another example:
Of course: tis a fire spell. One wouldst think they teach nothing else at their academies. I barely have time to protect my torso before I am awash in flame. I tumble backward, the smell of mine own flesh burning stinging my nostrils.
I don’t feel the emotion here. Some contempt from the first two lines, but I don’t feel the immediacy. He doesn’t describe the pain from the burning flesh, only the smell, and neither does he seem to feel any emotion about this--fear for his life, or anger at his opponent, etc. These are told like facts in a list. It’s hard to empathize. It’s this kind of distance that keeps me feeling distant from the action and the characters.
I'm not really sure what to think of this one. I like the idea behind this, but it doesn't come out as anything special to me. Maybe part of the problem is that I know almost nothing about the previous generations of ponies. Still, I think that with a bit of work, this could become a great story.
I'm afraid my schedule this week hasn't been kind. I'll try to limp through my slate before time runs out, but I'll have to abbreviate my feedback.
Here, author, add me to the chorus of readers finding this compressed; I'm echoing >>The_Letter_J mostly. I think not only does this want further material past its current stopping point (which isn't an ending so much as a chapter break), but could stand more expansion in the material as written.
A specific thought on that: Whether consciously or unconsciously, you're using the same story structure here as My Little Pony's first episode -- opening up with a mythological retelling, zooming out to a pony tasked by royalty withgetting out of the castle investigating a harmony problem, and falling in with five friends who, presumably, will end up being the key to the problem's resolution. Clearly, this is a structure with a lot of promise: after all, we're all here talking about ponies. What that also means is that we can look at MLP and figure out what made that so successful, and try to steal its fire.
And there's one major element in the MLP opener that I don't see here: everyone in the main cast gets multiple moments to shine. One by one, we're introduced to the Mane Six in a way that highlights their personality, shows their strengths, and plays them off against Twilight. And then in the second episode, when they journey through the Everfree, that's done again: each of the ponies surmounts an obstacle that shows them as an exemplar of their element. (Except Applejack, who just drops Twilight off of a cliff.) We're introduced to a large cast in a short time, but everyone feels distinctive and gives us a reason to root for them.
I think the worst offender here is Ancillary, who lives up to his name: he's introduced in a support role and then never seen again. (And I am so goddamned curious about his special talent. What sort of heartless parent names their kid that?) But pretty much everyone seems just along for the ride, except for Sky Light and Shady Patch, who take most of the initiative we see. Sawdust, for example, I thought was just a bit part until he showed up again in the cave: why did they bring the old dude that they were playing poker against? And the cave is opened by a pony, Presto, whose full name we don't even know before he becomes central to their big entrance; why didn't the original mission have someone on board who knew where it was and how to get in?
In other words, slow down here and get us as invested in your characters as your mythology. The worldbuilding is certainly a relative highlight, and I think the action scenes would hold their weight if we were invested in the characters, so this certainly has some potential if expanded out.
Tier: Needs Work
Here, author, add me to the chorus of readers finding this compressed; I'm echoing >>The_Letter_J mostly. I think not only does this want further material past its current stopping point (which isn't an ending so much as a chapter break), but could stand more expansion in the material as written.
A specific thought on that: Whether consciously or unconsciously, you're using the same story structure here as My Little Pony's first episode -- opening up with a mythological retelling, zooming out to a pony tasked by royalty with
And there's one major element in the MLP opener that I don't see here: everyone in the main cast gets multiple moments to shine. One by one, we're introduced to the Mane Six in a way that highlights their personality, shows their strengths, and plays them off against Twilight. And then in the second episode, when they journey through the Everfree, that's done again: each of the ponies surmounts an obstacle that shows them as an exemplar of their element. (Except Applejack, who just drops Twilight off of a cliff.) We're introduced to a large cast in a short time, but everyone feels distinctive and gives us a reason to root for them.
I think the worst offender here is Ancillary, who lives up to his name: he's introduced in a support role and then never seen again. (And I am so goddamned curious about his special talent. What sort of heartless parent names their kid that?) But pretty much everyone seems just along for the ride, except for Sky Light and Shady Patch, who take most of the initiative we see. Sawdust, for example, I thought was just a bit part until he showed up again in the cave: why did they bring the old dude that they were playing poker against? And the cave is opened by a pony, Presto, whose full name we don't even know before he becomes central to their big entrance; why didn't the original mission have someone on board who knew where it was and how to get in?
In other words, slow down here and get us as invested in your characters as your mythology. The worldbuilding is certainly a relative highlight, and I think the action scenes would hold their weight if we were invested in the characters, so this certainly has some potential if expanded out.
Tier: Needs Work
The other comments have all offered pretty helpful feedback and critique, and I can't think of anything to add to them...
So I'll just point out two things. One, Burnished is far more familiar when speaking with the Princess than he should be, and two, why is it that he goes and blabs to Stalwart immediately after getting this very serious assignment about changeling infiltrators and being told that literally nobody could be trusted?
So I'll just point out two things. One, Burnished is far more familiar when speaking with the Princess than he should be, and two, why is it that he goes and blabs to Stalwart immediately after getting this very serious assignment about changeling infiltrators and being told that literally nobody could be trusted?
I largely agree with the above reviewers, but there's another critical issue I'm surprised nobody's brought up yet: Posh Pin's position is incoherent. He's presented in the first scene as pushing to move beyond Luna -- he's specifically the one that suggests having the council come up with ideas, and he's the one who speaks for their "consensus", and says
... and in fact is the one who proposes Celestia should be Queen, without any hint that he personally objects to the idea.
Then, in the second scene when he's alone with her, he pulls a complete 180:
Also, am I misreading the text, or is Posh Celestia's chief advisor even though it was Luna who hired him for life 30 years ago? :-/
I commend you for the idea here, but this needs to sort through its logic, give the council members (and Posh) clear and consistent motives, and (as other reviewers have noted) put some teeth into the decision they're making.
Tier: Needs Work
the council and I see that it only fitting that she should no longer have any claim to the throne ... and that all her previous titles and land should be passed on to you
... and in fact is the one who proposes Celestia should be Queen, without any hint that he personally objects to the idea.
Then, in the second scene when he's alone with her, he pulls a complete 180:
His voice transitioned from its quiet weeping to boisterous bellow. “I will not forget my Princess or turn my back on her!”
Also, am I misreading the text, or is Posh Celestia's chief advisor even though it was Luna who hired him for life 30 years ago? :-/
I commend you for the idea here, but this needs to sort through its logic, give the council members (and Posh) clear and consistent motives, and (as other reviewers have noted) put some teeth into the decision they're making.
Tier: Needs Work
This story in a nutshell:
... and, you know, having copied and pasted that, it occurs to me that technically, credit card debt (and other applications of compound interest) do fall out at the fuzzy edges of the God of Time's portfolio -- but in the long and weird central stretch of this story where he gave her sales pitch after sales pitch, I couldn't help but think that the God of Capitalism was getting more and more annoyed, and getting ready to go wait behind the GoT's house with a baseball bat.
But, yeah. Count me among the bewildered. This started out with a lot of promise and a cool magical realism vibe (the first paragraph in particular, with the wry observation about ponies not having time for the GOT, was gold), but my suspension of disbelief was shaken when we learned that Twilight had directly interacted with the GOT and refused his deal, and yet merely gave Fluttershy a generic "he doesn't seem trustworthy" warning rather than comparing notes; and then it snapped when this broke the fourth wall with the extended sequence of pile-on offers. (Nitpick: Fluttershy gave him literally all her money; where was she coming up with the additional cash to buy the warranty, make the donation, etc.?) Thus ejected from the story, I found the last of my interest extinguished by the scrutable-yet-illogical motives >>MrNumbers outlined.
This seems like it's trying to have its cake and eat it too. The fairy-tale-like parts are the best part about it, but it makes a major point of breaking from that structure with naked social commentary on capitalism. Fluttershy falling afoul of his deal is a solid fairy-tale trope; explaining the details of interest rates and grace periods isn't. This doesn't make both work at once. I'm not sure it's possible to ... well, no, actually, I think it's possible, but it needs to align its mythology and its deconstruction better. This isn't a story about time, it's a story about business that's flavored with some time elements.
I'm going to nudge this one into a higher tier because, stripped of that weird anti-capitalist rant (and I'm not saying it's weird because it's incorrect, I'm saying it's weird because it's misplaced), this would really be turning my head. There are a lot of shining moments in the prose, like the opening I mentioned and the whole bit about Fluttershy refusing to name what was wrong with Angel; I am seeing some actively good writing here when the story's not falling into incoherence. But it needs some major editing, unfortunately.
Tier: Almost There
“No,” the God of Time said, as if reading her mind, “credit card debt is really no joke at all.”
... and, you know, having copied and pasted that, it occurs to me that technically, credit card debt (and other applications of compound interest) do fall out at the fuzzy edges of the God of Time's portfolio -- but in the long and weird central stretch of this story where he gave her sales pitch after sales pitch, I couldn't help but think that the God of Capitalism was getting more and more annoyed, and getting ready to go wait behind the GoT's house with a baseball bat.
But, yeah. Count me among the bewildered. This started out with a lot of promise and a cool magical realism vibe (the first paragraph in particular, with the wry observation about ponies not having time for the GOT, was gold), but my suspension of disbelief was shaken when we learned that Twilight had directly interacted with the GOT and refused his deal, and yet merely gave Fluttershy a generic "he doesn't seem trustworthy" warning rather than comparing notes; and then it snapped when this broke the fourth wall with the extended sequence of pile-on offers. (Nitpick: Fluttershy gave him literally all her money; where was she coming up with the additional cash to buy the warranty, make the donation, etc.?) Thus ejected from the story, I found the last of my interest extinguished by the scrutable-yet-illogical motives >>MrNumbers outlined.
This seems like it's trying to have its cake and eat it too. The fairy-tale-like parts are the best part about it, but it makes a major point of breaking from that structure with naked social commentary on capitalism. Fluttershy falling afoul of his deal is a solid fairy-tale trope; explaining the details of interest rates and grace periods isn't. This doesn't make both work at once. I'm not sure it's possible to ... well, no, actually, I think it's possible, but it needs to align its mythology and its deconstruction better. This isn't a story about time, it's a story about business that's flavored with some time elements.
I'm going to nudge this one into a higher tier because, stripped of that weird anti-capitalist rant (and I'm not saying it's weird because it's incorrect, I'm saying it's weird because it's misplaced), this would really be turning my head. There are a lot of shining moments in the prose, like the opening I mentioned and the whole bit about Fluttershy refusing to name what was wrong with Angel; I am seeing some actively good writing here when the story's not falling into incoherence. But it needs some major editing, unfortunately.
Tier: Almost There
I don't have much of anything to say about this story. I think it did what it wanted to, and it did so perfectly adequately. Good job.
Going to read a few more to try to bring everyone up toward 5 reviews, as FOME suggested.
Nitpick: The fact that they need to amputate her wing is really the sort of news that should have been broken to her by her doctor rather than a random nurse. Another nitpick:
Are you trying to imply that after having a wing amputated there's a chance she will?
But this is a breath of fresh air after the last few stories: a story that knows exactly what it wants to do, and does it without any immersion-breaking logical incoherence. This may be aiming lower than the other ones I've read, but on the whole I can't fault the execution.
The emotions here feel heartfelt -- although you will definitely want to take an editing pass with an eye toward trimming down your language, such as the unnecessary and telly second sentence here that mars an otherwise solid paragraph of showing:
Here is something that I feel I should note even though it's only a tiny influence on my scoring: the core of this story is not at all a new idea. As >>FanOfMostEverything noted, the fandom is infamously full of "broken-wing Rainbow Dash" stories, and angst over not being able to fly after an accident is pretty much a dead trope at this point. If I were to run across this story on FIMFiction, there is almost no chance I would read it, unless it brought some fresh or unexpected angle to the genre; that has nothing to do with your writing and everything to do with how oversaturated "pegasus wing-loss angst" is. You do get some modest credit for making it about Spitfire rather than Rainbow Dash, but I agree with >>FrontSevens that there's nothing in this story that can't be predicted from the news in the first scene. As a Writeoff story I thought it landed pretty strongly, but be aware of that context if you go to publish. You'll probably get a good response from readers who aren't burnt out on the genre, but you'll lose a lot of potential readers before they even start.
And a specific anti-nitpick: I really like the little touch of the temperature difference against her sides.
Tier: Strong
ETA: see >>horizon
Nitpick: The fact that they need to amputate her wing is really the sort of news that should have been broken to her by her doctor rather than a random nurse. Another nitpick:
"Are you saying you'll never fly again, Spitfire?" he asks.
Are you trying to imply that after having a wing amputated there's a chance she will?
But this is a breath of fresh air after the last few stories: a story that knows exactly what it wants to do, and does it without any immersion-breaking logical incoherence. This may be aiming lower than the other ones I've read, but on the whole I can't fault the execution.
The emotions here feel heartfelt -- although you will definitely want to take an editing pass with an eye toward trimming down your language, such as the unnecessary and telly second sentence here that mars an otherwise solid paragraph of showing:
But the pegasi before her did not move. They stood at attention, focused on honoring their leader. Spitfire felt a swelling in her chest and smiled as a bittersweet feeling built up in her stomach. She couldn't help but feel sick as she took a step away from them.
Here is something that I feel I should note even though it's only a tiny influence on my scoring: the core of this story is not at all a new idea. As >>FanOfMostEverything noted, the fandom is infamously full of "broken-wing Rainbow Dash" stories, and angst over not being able to fly after an accident is pretty much a dead trope at this point. If I were to run across this story on FIMFiction, there is almost no chance I would read it, unless it brought some fresh or unexpected angle to the genre; that has nothing to do with your writing and everything to do with how oversaturated "pegasus wing-loss angst" is. You do get some modest credit for making it about Spitfire rather than Rainbow Dash, but I agree with >>FrontSevens that there's nothing in this story that can't be predicted from the news in the first scene. As a Writeoff story I thought it landed pretty strongly, but be aware of that context if you go to publish. You'll probably get a good response from readers who aren't burnt out on the genre, but you'll lose a lot of potential readers before they even start.
And a specific anti-nitpick: I really like the little touch of the temperature difference against her sides.
Tier: Strong
ETA: see >>horizon
>>Bugle
This was my thought as well.
Like others have said, I'm not a fan of this interpretation of Celestia's character, but I do think that this story makes it work pretty well. I'm not really sure why Celestia covered up the end of civilizations that didn't have anything to do with her, unless she decided that any amount of archeology at all will lead to ponies learning what she did. And there's the issue that [spoiler]Daring Do will probably lead to more ponies getting interested in real archeology, which will probably end up revealing Celestia eventually anyway.[spoiler]
Still, I think this story turned out pretty well.
Well, there went my hopes of this being a story about Applejack in Daring Do's role (Someone write that, by the way).
This was my thought as well.
Like others have said, I'm not a fan of this interpretation of Celestia's character, but I do think that this story makes it work pretty well. I'm not really sure why Celestia covered up the end of civilizations that didn't have anything to do with her, unless she decided that any amount of archeology at all will lead to ponies learning what she did. And there's the issue that [spoiler]Daring Do will probably lead to more ponies getting interested in real archeology, which will probably end up revealing Celestia eventually anyway.[spoiler]
Still, I think this story turned out pretty well.
In order to help Horizon with mash-up time (because of his tight schedule), I'm going to try my own here
The Sin of a Writer's New Beginning - Twilight struggles to start an original story without borrowing/stealing the plot out of one of Spike's comic books.
The Next Dawn in the Promised Land - A victorious Celestia raises the sun after her sister's defeat, only to cause a wave of frost and snow that all of ponykind must flee.
My Little Fentsie's Slingshot - A cute abandoned little dracofelinequus foal decides that Equestria is too far away, and develops an Interstellar KK-drive to move Earth into their solar system in time for tea with Princess Celestia. With sugar.
Saved by the Concubinus or How Luna Got Her Groovy Stallion Back - Princess Luna decides she needs a male companion, so she travels to the human realm to bring back the English teacher at a school. Unfortunately, the Luna there already has first dibs on him. They decide to share. He helps correct their grammar.
The Day The God Of Time Stopped By For Pokemon - When the God of Time drops by Fluttershy's house with a proposition, the human Luna captures him in a Pokeball, jubilant that she has 'caught them all' and can now return to her job as vice principal at Canterlot High. In appreciation, she gives Fluttershy a replacement rabbit with a much nicer personality.
The Sin of a Writer's New Beginning - Twilight struggles to start an original story without borrowing/stealing the plot out of one of Spike's comic books.
The Next Dawn in the Promised Land - A victorious Celestia raises the sun after her sister's defeat, only to cause a wave of frost and snow that all of ponykind must flee.
My Little Fentsie's Slingshot - A cute abandoned little dracofelinequus foal decides that Equestria is too far away, and develops an Interstellar KK-drive to move Earth into their solar system in time for tea with Princess Celestia. With sugar.
Saved by the Concubinus or How Luna Got Her Groovy Stallion Back - Princess Luna decides she needs a male companion, so she travels to the human realm to bring back the English teacher at a school. Unfortunately, the Luna there already has first dibs on him. They decide to share. He helps correct their grammar.
The Day The God Of Time Stopped By For Pokemon - When the God of Time drops by Fluttershy's house with a proposition, the human Luna captures him in a Pokeball, jubilant that she has 'caught them all' and can now return to her job as vice principal at Canterlot High. In appreciation, she gives Fluttershy a replacement rabbit with a much nicer personality.
>>Posh
She's immortal. She can wait ten or fifteen years for him to get a little more mature. Besides, she needs to spot 'em young before the Royal sisters get dibs.
E - (Not on my slate) Very sweet and adorable. I'm a little clueless so I didn't catch that his adoption was that much of a plot point, but on second read (showing that it is a very interesting story) it kinda jumped out at me. I'm a little dissatisfied with the 'flow' of the story, although the *story* under it was riveting. It will improve substantially with editing before publication, both adding details and trimming out parts that don't contribute to the plot line. (That is the most adorable little griffon chick ever.)
Deserves a spot in the finals, although up against *very* tough competition for medaling.
She's immortal. She can wait ten or fifteen years for him to get a little more mature. Besides, she needs to spot 'em young before the Royal sisters get dibs.
E - (Not on my slate) Very sweet and adorable. I'm a little clueless so I didn't catch that his adoption was that much of a plot point, but on second read (showing that it is a very interesting story) it kinda jumped out at me. I'm a little dissatisfied with the 'flow' of the story, although the *story* under it was riveting. It will improve substantially with editing before publication, both adding details and trimming out parts that don't contribute to the plot line. (That is the most adorable little griffon chick ever.)
Deserves a spot in the finals, although up against *very* tough competition for medaling.
The Sin of a Writer's New Beginning - Twilight struggles to start an original story without borrowing/stealing the plot out of one of Spike's comic books.
The Next Dawn in the Promised Land - A victorious Celestia raises the sun after her sister's defeat, only to cause a wave of frost and snow that all of ponykind must flee.
My Little Fentsie's Slingshot - A cute abandoned little dracofelinequus foal decides that Equestria is too far away, and develops an Interstellar KK-drive to move Earth into their solar system in time for tea with Princess Celestia. With sugar.
Saved by the Concubinus or How Luna Got Her Groovy Stallion Back - Princess Luna decides she needs a male companion, so she travels to the human realm to bring back the English teacher at a school. Unfortunately, the Luna there already has first dibs on him. They decide to share. He helps correct their grammar.
The Day The God Of Time Stopped By For Pokemon - When the God of Time drops by Fluttershy's house with a proposition, the human Luna captures him in a Pokeball, jubilant that she has 'caught them all' and can now return to her job as vice principal at Canterlot High. In appreciation, she gives Fluttershy a replacement rabbit with a much nicer personality.
Holy hell's bells, those all sound like synopses to stories I'd either want to read or write.
This is an interesting compare-and-contrast back to back with Permission To Land, because they are very similar stories in different contexts. This one feels much stronger, and it's at the top of the stories I've scored so far.
What makes this one better, I think, is that despite hitting all of the same emotional beats, this one's willing to ... hmm. Show more skin, as it were. The core of Land is Spitfire and Soarin and Dash, and their reactions to her departure are exactly what we'd expect them to be. Here, though, the central arc is Diamond Tiara's reaction, which is more unpredictable -- and the story is about digging into why her reaction isn't what we'd expect, which gives us some bright character definition between a pair of characters we haven't really seen interact on the show.
(And that suggests some straightforward ways to deepen Land's story. The show hasn't given us a great deal of Spitfire and Soarin's backstory with each other, and building that history would be a good way to start making fresh statements that could vault you out of the cliche trap. Do Spitfire and Soarin have a romantic history that complicates his/their feelings about her leaving? Is Soarin insecure about his ability to lead? Did they have a falling out that she's trying to paper over by putting him in charge instead of her first choice? Basically, what complicates her departure. Bonitatem does this: what happens with Tiara means that Cheerilee has to face the consequences of her choice, which is inherently more dramatically engaging.)
The side characters here are --
(puts on his bomb disposal suit, huddles behind the blast shield, and sends a little robot out)
well-written
(waits a few seconds before stepping out into the smoking crater)
-- and full of personality for what time we see them, and both the banter and the inner thoughts paint a full picture of Cheerilee. Really, this was just a satisfying read full of wistfulness and heart.
The biggest problem I've got is that, well, the DT arc is really not subtle about its status as a Chekhov's Gun. There are one or two justified interruptions, but the fact that she keeps getting one sentence into her speech and then kicked away makes the build-up to the ending revelation feel artificial. The worst offender, I think, was Cheerilee deciding not to read DT's essay until she was on the train -- which is the exact opposite of what I would have done, and the justification for it felt paper-thin. (I did appreciate, however, Cheerilee's no-sell of Pinkie Pie's interruption.) I'd think if there's any pony alive who's able to shut down interruptions cold in order to address something crucial, it would be an elementary school teacher; it might be more believable to have Cheerilee try to coax it out of DT right at the beginning, push interruptions away for her, and then have her lock up once she's put on the spot.
Agreed with Georg that the little details of Spoiled's speeches are great, and with FOME that Scootaloo's line caught me off-guard enough for a laugh.
Tier Top Contender
What makes this one better, I think, is that despite hitting all of the same emotional beats, this one's willing to ... hmm. Show more skin, as it were. The core of Land is Spitfire and Soarin and Dash, and their reactions to her departure are exactly what we'd expect them to be. Here, though, the central arc is Diamond Tiara's reaction, which is more unpredictable -- and the story is about digging into why her reaction isn't what we'd expect, which gives us some bright character definition between a pair of characters we haven't really seen interact on the show.
(And that suggests some straightforward ways to deepen Land's story. The show hasn't given us a great deal of Spitfire and Soarin's backstory with each other, and building that history would be a good way to start making fresh statements that could vault you out of the cliche trap. Do Spitfire and Soarin have a romantic history that complicates his/their feelings about her leaving? Is Soarin insecure about his ability to lead? Did they have a falling out that she's trying to paper over by putting him in charge instead of her first choice? Basically, what complicates her departure. Bonitatem does this: what happens with Tiara means that Cheerilee has to face the consequences of her choice, which is inherently more dramatically engaging.)
The side characters here are --
(puts on his bomb disposal suit, huddles behind the blast shield, and sends a little robot out)
well-written
(waits a few seconds before stepping out into the smoking crater)
-- and full of personality for what time we see them, and both the banter and the inner thoughts paint a full picture of Cheerilee. Really, this was just a satisfying read full of wistfulness and heart.
The biggest problem I've got is that, well, the DT arc is really not subtle about its status as a Chekhov's Gun. There are one or two justified interruptions, but the fact that she keeps getting one sentence into her speech and then kicked away makes the build-up to the ending revelation feel artificial. The worst offender, I think, was Cheerilee deciding not to read DT's essay until she was on the train -- which is the exact opposite of what I would have done, and the justification for it felt paper-thin. (I did appreciate, however, Cheerilee's no-sell of Pinkie Pie's interruption.) I'd think if there's any pony alive who's able to shut down interruptions cold in order to address something crucial, it would be an elementary school teacher; it might be more believable to have Cheerilee try to coax it out of DT right at the beginning, push interruptions away for her, and then have her lock up once she's put on the spot.
Agreed with Georg that the little details of Spoiled's speeches are great, and with FOME that Scootaloo's line caught me off-guard enough for a laugh.
Tier Top Contender
The only thing this story needs is changlin|mposter reading it with ridiculous and inappropriately comical voices. Unfortunately, I think I was the only one who heard it, and it didn't get recorded.
On a more serious note, I think that the comedy here mostly works pretty well, though some parts could use a bit of work. Starlight's part wasn't necessarily funny by itself, but it did benefit from how clearly terrible she was. Twilight might have been the weakest one in my opinion. It's hardly ridiculous at all, and would work just as well if the story was trying to be serious. But I suppose that putting it first does let the rest of the story escalate, so I guess it's okay.
I thought the rest of the parts were good, and the story as a whole turned out well.
On a more serious note, I think that the comedy here mostly works pretty well, though some parts could use a bit of work. Starlight's part wasn't necessarily funny by itself, but it did benefit from how clearly terrible she was. Twilight might have been the weakest one in my opinion. It's hardly ridiculous at all, and would work just as well if the story was trying to be serious. But I suppose that putting it first does let the rest of the story escalate, so I guess it's okay.
I thought the rest of the parts were good, and the story as a whole turned out well.
>>georg
Wait, "help Horizon" with mash-up time? Are mash-ups a Horizon thing now? D: I remember back when they were a huge collaborative effort! I've just been posting them to keep the tradition alive.
In other words, thank you! And these were great. I'll add a few modest contributions from among the ones I've read, but I hope that everyone feels comfortable chipping in:
Permission to Throne - After Princess Luna comes to the reluctant decision that being possessed by a demon of darkness and banished on the moon means she can no longer lead Equestria, Celestia and the Royal Council give her a heartwarming and tear-filled sendoff.
A Soul Falls From A Sentenced Mare - A history class learns about how, when Princess Twilight was imprisoned and her friends were tortured, she snapped and started listening to a voice in her head called Vengeance, and then went on a rampage and slaughtered Tirek and brought peace back to the land.
Yo Mama Is Clockwork - When the scholar Quiet Time is called before Pegasus Lord Radiant Beam to investigate a long-sealed legendary clock, he cracks the titular joke. His adventure ends abruptly when he's put in prison, because Beam's mother literally is a steampunk automaton and he's very sensitive about it.
Wait, "help Horizon" with mash-up time? Are mash-ups a Horizon thing now? D: I remember back when they were a huge collaborative effort! I've just been posting them to keep the tradition alive.
In other words, thank you! And these were great. I'll add a few modest contributions from among the ones I've read, but I hope that everyone feels comfortable chipping in:
Permission to Throne - After Princess Luna comes to the reluctant decision that being possessed by a demon of darkness and banished on the moon means she can no longer lead Equestria, Celestia and the Royal Council give her a heartwarming and tear-filled sendoff.
A Soul Falls From A Sentenced Mare - A history class learns about how, when Princess Twilight was imprisoned and her friends were tortured, she snapped and started listening to a voice in her head called Vengeance, and then went on a rampage and slaughtered Tirek and brought peace back to the land.
Yo Mama Is Clockwork - When the scholar Quiet Time is called before Pegasus Lord Radiant Beam to investigate a long-sealed legendary clock, he cracks the titular joke. His adventure ends abruptly when he's put in prison, because Beam's mother literally is a steampunk automaton and he's very sensitive about it.
>>horizon Can anyone get in on this?
Solitude Doce Me for the Modern Stratospheric Council - Diamond Tiara is sent as a diplomatic envoy to treat with a bunch of bellicose pegasus separatists. After a tearful farewell in which Cheerilee writes her a letter and gives her some hard cider, she arrives in Fillydelphia only to find that the pegasi have ditched her - and on Hearts and Hooves Day too! Ms. Harshwhinney finds her, and together the two get drunk off of Cheerilee's cider, and Diamond Tiara learns valuable lessons about using alcohol to cope with loneliness.
He Come to Catch At Least One Childhood's End - A decommissioned secret agent named Brave Heart steals his son Button Mash's cell phone and becomes addicted to Pokemon Go. His wife, seeing this as the last straw, divorces him and begins holding auditions for a new husband. All the interviewees flop except for one, a barely-legal colt named Firecracker whom Wifehorse cannot help being attracted to.
Solitude Doce Me for the Modern Stratospheric Council - Diamond Tiara is sent as a diplomatic envoy to treat with a bunch of bellicose pegasus separatists. After a tearful farewell in which Cheerilee writes her a letter and gives her some hard cider, she arrives in Fillydelphia only to find that the pegasi have ditched her - and on Hearts and Hooves Day too! Ms. Harshwhinney finds her, and together the two get drunk off of Cheerilee's cider, and Diamond Tiara learns valuable lessons about using alcohol to cope with loneliness.
He Come to Catch At Least One Childhood's End - A decommissioned secret agent named Brave Heart steals his son Button Mash's cell phone and becomes addicted to Pokemon Go. His wife, seeing this as the last straw, divorces him and begins holding auditions for a new husband. All the interviewees flop except for one, a barely-legal colt named Firecracker whom Wifehorse cannot help being attracted to.
This story also got changlin|mposter's ridiculous and inappropriately comical voices reading treatment, and I believe this one actually got recorded. And now I can't read this without Brave sounding like Bane in my head.
This story isn't bad, but I think it needs to go more all-out with its comedy. It had plenty of funny parts, but other parts seemed to be a bit lacking in comedy. The parts where the CMC were trying to help Brave find a job were funny, but they also didn't really seem liked they fit to me. The final line was great, and I really should have seen it coming.
This story isn't bad, but I think it needs to go more all-out with its comedy. It had plenty of funny parts, but other parts seemed to be a bit lacking in comedy. The parts where the CMC were trying to help Brave find a job were funny, but they also didn't really seem liked they fit to me. The final line was great, and I really should have seen it coming.
There's not much that's particularly special or surprising about this story, but it does what it needs to. The bar scene felt weak to me, but the rest of it was pretty good, and the feels got me at the end.
>>horizon Since Titanium Dragon isn't here, it falls to me to ask you not to use the word "capitalism" to mean "what I call it whenever financial transactions cause harm instead of good." There are passages condemning interest-bearing monetary loans in the Old Testament. Either you have to call every economic system in history which has had money and private property "capitalism" (which would probably be the correct thing to do, IMHO), or don't call this a rant against capitalism.
What I liked: the interactions between Twilight and the rest of the characters, as imagined in this future world and the worldbuilding concerning where these characters are and what they're doing now. It was detailed and immersive. It drew me in for the most part.
What I didn't like: the technobabble in the beginning and the lengthy, hard-to-follow explanation of the slingshot. The passion for the science is clear, but as a layman, it almost completely lost me. I agree with >>billymorph on the lack of plot. It bothered me quite a bit, considering most of the story alluded to has already happened.
That's all I can say, really. I don't think I can elaborate, considering that I'm far from the target audience here.
What I didn't like: the technobabble in the beginning and the lengthy, hard-to-follow explanation of the slingshot. The passion for the science is clear, but as a layman, it almost completely lost me. I agree with >>billymorph on the lack of plot. It bothered me quite a bit, considering most of the story alluded to has already happened.
That's all I can say, really. I don't think I can elaborate, considering that I'm far from the target audience here.
>>georg
The Last Days of Yo Mama: In an effort to take over Equestria, Tirek tries to bribe Celestia's and Luna's mum with cake. After three days of binging, she experiences gravitational collapse and turns into a black hole.
The Concubine or How Luna Got to Shut Up: After her attempts to reestablish the royal harem got shut down by Celestia, Luna decides to never leave the palace again and instead live in escapist fantasies.
Wow, that last one actually sounds kinda depressing. I'd better stop.
The Last Days of Yo Mama: In an effort to take over Equestria, Tirek tries to bribe Celestia's and Luna's mum with cake. After three days of binging, she experiences gravitational collapse and turns into a black hole.
The Concubine or How Luna Got to Shut Up: After her attempts to reestablish the royal harem got shut down by Celestia, Luna decides to never leave the palace again and instead live in escapist fantasies.
Wow, that last one actually sounds kinda depressing. I'd better stop.
Black Streak seems inconsistent to me. At first, he seems like he's basically the same as White Lightning, which I assumed would be the point. I expected that when they met in battle, they would see each other worthy opponents and equals who just happened to be on opposite sides. Perhaps there would be some message about the futility of war, which the story seemed to be leading to. But nothing like that happened. Instead, they just fought and Black Streak decided to talk about morality. And that morality was at odds with his previous actions too. He certainly seemed to think that he was right and the "Solar Empire" was wrong before.
Okay, as usual, I'm reviewing at the last minute, so this will be kinda brief.
I rather liked this story. It's well written, the characters are interesting, and I like the basic concept, i.e., getting a cutie mark in your dreams... And not knowing what it represents. Also, puberty apparently hits ponies like a freight train! O.o
Giving it a bit more thought though... It does seem a bit strung out and pointless. Firecracker was never told / never realized he was adopted? His name is Firecracker, yet his cutie mark (and destiny) have nothing to do with fireworks? Or fire? Or work? In point of fact, his cutie mark is directly related to... A photo album in his house? That seems like the sort of thing that points backwards at one's past, not forwards at one's future. Actually, I initially thought he was going to have a special talent in scrapbooking or the like. Somehow capturing memories and dreams in a tangible format to be shared and remembered...
All in all, I enjoyed it, but it had a few... Let's just call them issues. Still pretty good though!
I rather liked this story. It's well written, the characters are interesting, and I like the basic concept, i.e., getting a cutie mark in your dreams... And not knowing what it represents. Also, puberty apparently hits ponies like a freight train! O.o
Giving it a bit more thought though... It does seem a bit strung out and pointless. Firecracker was never told / never realized he was adopted? His name is Firecracker, yet his cutie mark (and destiny) have nothing to do with fireworks? Or fire? Or work? In point of fact, his cutie mark is directly related to... A photo album in his house? That seems like the sort of thing that points backwards at one's past, not forwards at one's future. Actually, I initially thought he was going to have a special talent in scrapbooking or the like. Somehow capturing memories and dreams in a tangible format to be shared and remembered...
All in all, I enjoyed it, but it had a few... Let's just call them issues. Still pretty good though!
Okay, as usual, I'm reviewing at the last minute, so this will be kinda brief.
Okay, total crack! Which was clearly what you were going for. And, congratulations, you definitely got there!
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the character of Kefentse, so you lose some points there... I was just guessing she was some sort of Discord like critter or some such...
The escalation of ridiculousness was entertaining and bizarre.... Bizzarertaining?
And while I did enjoy this, I'm afraid crack fics aren't quite my cup of tea. Making your crack fic a parody of two other fics, only one of which I'm familiar with, really hurt the story in my book. And really limits your potential audience. Bottom line? I think that you managed to write exactly the sort of story you wanted, and it generated a few laughs and chuckles... But in the end, it just didn't do much for me personally.
Okay, total crack! Which was clearly what you were going for. And, congratulations, you definitely got there!
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the character of Kefentse, so you lose some points there... I was just guessing she was some sort of Discord like critter or some such...
The escalation of ridiculousness was entertaining and bizarre.... Bizzarertaining?
And while I did enjoy this, I'm afraid crack fics aren't quite my cup of tea. Making your crack fic a parody of two other fics, only one of which I'm familiar with, really hurt the story in my book. And really limits your potential audience. Bottom line? I think that you managed to write exactly the sort of story you wanted, and it generated a few laughs and chuckles... But in the end, it just didn't do much for me personally.
Okay, as usual, I'm reviewing at the last minute, so this will be kinda brief.
Okay, this was horrible.
Not (just) because of the events it portrays. But because of the tone of the writing.
From the very first paragraphs, I said to myself "Please tell me this isn't supposed to be Twilight Sparkle. I bet there's going to be a twist at the end and we'll discover it's actually 1,000+ years ago and somebody else fighting Tirek." But no, no such luck. That might have actually worked. But as it stands, the attitude, personality, the everything of this story is completely out of character for Twilight.
Then there's the fact that Tirek apparently took over and somehow (magically?) brainwashed a whole bunch of guards? And then there's the incredibly trite trope of someone writing a 'letter' in real time. Nobody actually writes what they're seeing and feeling down into a letter in real time. If you wanted to show us what Twilight was seeing and feeling, you could have broken the story up into pieces... Write the story from Twilight's perspective, then follow it with a section of what she actually wrote into the letter. Show the horror and terror she's feeling, then follow it with her (relatively brief) written description of events.
The "Diary of Anne Frank" twist at the end was a nice touch. You know, if it made any sense for Tirek to allow Twilight's letters to be sent. Though I suppose you could argue that the chef or someone else smuggled them out.
Of course, that's not even touching on your brutal treatment of the mane 6. Brutal is fine, and can have it's place. B ut your style here... I can only assume you were aiming for shock value. But all your managed to get from me is disgust. You could have handled each character's torture far more delicately, while still emphasizing the brutality and horror. The trick is to just describe the edges of the thing. Show the reader the general shape of it, without going into vivid, gory details. If done right, it can be just as evocative... As opposed to pointlessly gory.
In short, while I hate to write such a harsh critique of someone else's hard work... I really disliked this story. Sorry!
Okay, this was horrible.
Not (just) because of the events it portrays. But because of the tone of the writing.
From the very first paragraphs, I said to myself "Please tell me this isn't supposed to be Twilight Sparkle. I bet there's going to be a twist at the end and we'll discover it's actually 1,000+ years ago and somebody else fighting Tirek." But no, no such luck. That might have actually worked. But as it stands, the attitude, personality, the everything of this story is completely out of character for Twilight.
Then there's the fact that Tirek apparently took over and somehow (magically?) brainwashed a whole bunch of guards? And then there's the incredibly trite trope of someone writing a 'letter' in real time. Nobody actually writes what they're seeing and feeling down into a letter in real time. If you wanted to show us what Twilight was seeing and feeling, you could have broken the story up into pieces... Write the story from Twilight's perspective, then follow it with a section of what she actually wrote into the letter. Show the horror and terror she's feeling, then follow it with her (relatively brief) written description of events.
The "Diary of Anne Frank" twist at the end was a nice touch. You know, if it made any sense for Tirek to allow Twilight's letters to be sent. Though I suppose you could argue that the chef or someone else smuggled them out.
Of course, that's not even touching on your brutal treatment of the mane 6. Brutal is fine, and can have it's place. B ut your style here... I can only assume you were aiming for shock value. But all your managed to get from me is disgust. You could have handled each character's torture far more delicately, while still emphasizing the brutality and horror. The trick is to just describe the edges of the thing. Show the reader the general shape of it, without going into vivid, gory details. If done right, it can be just as evocative... As opposed to pointlessly gory.
In short, while I hate to write such a harsh critique of someone else's hard work... I really disliked this story. Sorry!
Just a brief alert before I go to bed here: there's only one more story with four reviews left, and that's A New Home. All it needs is one more to bring it up to five.
If you're feeling charitable, go for it! :o
If you're feeling charitable, go for it! :o
Okay, as usual, I'm reviewing at the last minute, so this will be kinda brief.
Okay, what the hell? This makes almost no sense. Twilight Sparkle, the princess of paranoia and paragon of virtue... Plagarized her friendship lessons. The same lessons she learned about with her friends and dictated to Spike then and there.
I don't recall her having time to look through the library for a philosophy book, and carefully read the passages out to spike.
Actually, for some odd reason I thought the book Celestia was reading (Or rather, having her butler read to her... Which seems a bit arrogant for Celestia) has been written by Twilight... And Celestia was accusing her of plagiarizing her own letters. Which also makes no sense, but could fit in with a comedy or crack fic.
Leaving aside the ridiculousness of the whole plagiarism thing, there's then the nature of her punishment... Which is more or less everything that Twilight's fevered, paranoid imagination can come up with. I mean, really... Kind, loving, motherly Celestia's response to her student plagiarizing is to strip her of her royalty. BEcause plagiarism is a far worse crime than, say, I dunno... Brainwashing an entire town and causing a giant brawl?
Sorry, this just does not computer for me. The twilight freak-outs were kinda funny... But they lost a lot of their humor in the end when they turned out to be far less exaggerated than expected.
Okay, what the hell? This makes almost no sense. Twilight Sparkle, the princess of paranoia and paragon of virtue... Plagarized her friendship lessons. The same lessons she learned about with her friends and dictated to Spike then and there.
I don't recall her having time to look through the library for a philosophy book, and carefully read the passages out to spike.
Actually, for some odd reason I thought the book Celestia was reading (Or rather, having her butler read to her... Which seems a bit arrogant for Celestia) has been written by Twilight... And Celestia was accusing her of plagiarizing her own letters. Which also makes no sense, but could fit in with a comedy or crack fic.
Leaving aside the ridiculousness of the whole plagiarism thing, there's then the nature of her punishment... Which is more or less everything that Twilight's fevered, paranoid imagination can come up with. I mean, really... Kind, loving, motherly Celestia's response to her student plagiarizing is to strip her of her royalty. BEcause plagiarism is a far worse crime than, say, I dunno... Brainwashing an entire town and causing a giant brawl?
Sorry, this just does not computer for me. The twilight freak-outs were kinda funny... But they lost a lot of their humor in the end when they turned out to be far less exaggerated than expected.
There really isn't much of anything new here, but it still does a good job of hitting the feels, in my opinion. AJ's part is the best, and if she had already been dead like the others, I think the story would have been weaker. Unfortunately, that reveal is almost immediately spoiled by the title, as soon as the reader realizes the pattern.
As others have said, it's not the greatest story ever, but I think it is pretty good, and it exceeded my expectations for a genre that I long ago grew tired of.
As others have said, it's not the greatest story ever, but I think it is pretty good, and it exceeded my expectations for a genre that I long ago grew tired of.
>>Posh
>>FrontSevens
There was some book or other something of questionable canonicity that said Commander Hurricane was male, and many people's headcanons have accepted it.
I really don't have much to say about this story. It will definitely make finals, and I won't be surprised if it medals.
>>FrontSevens
There was some book or other something of questionable canonicity that said Commander Hurricane was male, and many people's headcanons have accepted it.
I really don't have much to say about this story. It will definitely make finals, and I won't be surprised if it medals.
With Celestia so insistent on Princess Luna being remembered, I have to wonder how she let ponies forget about her in all meaningful ways. This story explains why Celestia is still a princess instead of a queen, but I have a hard time imagining connecting to canon in any other way.
Still, even though this story has problems, I don't think it's bad. Just average.
Still, even though this story has problems, I don't think it's bad. Just average.
I agree with >>FrontSevens; I definitely sympathize with Rainbow's Dad more than I do with Rainbow or Crystal. I definitely shared his "Can't you two at least try to get along?" opinions.
Like others have said, the solution here seems a bit extreme. This seems more like what a kid in Rainbow's position wishes would happen instead of what actually would happen.
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
Like others have said, the solution here seems a bit extreme. This seems more like what a kid in Rainbow's position wishes would happen instead of what actually would happen.
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
How nice of Celestia to give him time to finish his speech before he killed her.
I should also point out that Twilight did remove a changeling's disguise in the show, so Celestia really should have at least tried to do something like that to the pony she was putting in charge of looking for changelings.
This story really doesn't work for me at all, mostly for all of the reasons that everyone else has mentioned. But I suppose what it comes down to for me is that the characters' actions and dialogue aren't realistic, especially in Celestia's case.
I should also point out that Twilight did remove a changeling's disguise in the show, so Celestia really should have at least tried to do something like that to the pony she was putting in charge of looking for changelings.
This story really doesn't work for me at all, mostly for all of the reasons that everyone else has mentioned. But I suppose what it comes down to for me is that the characters' actions and dialogue aren't realistic, especially in Celestia's case.
>>Bad Horse
>>Posh
For the record, my problem wasn't really that he was suddenly getting so much attention from the mares. Like you said, that can just show that he's starting to grow up. The problem with it is that the author keeps bringing it up and making a point of it, but doesn't actually do anything with it.
>>Posh
For the record, my problem wasn't really that he was suddenly getting so much attention from the mares. Like you said, that can just show that he's starting to grow up. The problem with it is that the author keeps bringing it up and making a point of it, but doesn't actually do anything with it.
Fluttershy should have just bought herself more time to pay her bill.
I am on the "mood whiplash" side of the disagreement here. I thought the first chunk of it was pretty good, but I think I would have enjoyed it more if it had kept the light hearted/comedy mood going the entire time.
I am on the "mood whiplash" side of the disagreement here. I thought the first chunk of it was pretty good, but I think I would have enjoyed it more if it had kept the light hearted/comedy mood going the entire time.
This is a great idea, but the execution needs some work. But I'm sure the limitations of the writeoff are at least partially to blame for that.
One of the problems with opening up in the middle of the overall story is that the characters know things that the audience doesn't, and it can be difficult to get the audience up to speed without making it sound awkward. Most authors make the mistake of having the characters tell each other things that they obviously already know. And while there is a bit of that here, I think you instead go the opposite direction and don't tell us the things we should know soon enough. I spent the entire first half of the story wondering what Celestia and Luna were doing during all of this before you finally said that they had left Equestria entirely.
And I know that Cadance had basically gone mad, but a lot of the things she said really didn't make much sense.
You know, Cadance, it really doesn't sound like they do.
So nopony was dating, getting married, or otherwise forming romantic relationships anymore? That sounds very hard to believe. And that's only counting the romantic types of love.
Well, yeah. Of course they did. Twilight doesn't have much of an excuse (and considering how she hadn't even mentioned her brother to her friends, or apparently talked to him or Cadance, for the first two seasons, I don't think this is entirely out of character for her either), but the rest of Equestria on the other side of a frozen wasteland, probably hundreds of miles away. Even if the Crystal Empire isn't technically a separate nation, it might as well have been for most ponies. But it works the other way too. I'm sure that the crystal ponies thought Cadance was the important one and didn't care much about Twilight.
Also, what about Shining Armor? Celestia was ignoring Luna in the time leading up to her becoming Nightmare Moon (at least according to everyone's headcanon. I can't recall if that was ever actually said in the show), but Cadance still had Shining, at least.
Basically, your problem is that this story is too short. This is a fine ending point (though I wouldn't mind seeing the story continue past it (and Twilight should get Chrysalis to replace Cadance so that everyone will think everything is okay again)), but you need to adjust your starting point. I recommend starting either when Luna and Celestia leave or when Cadance gets corrupted.
I know that all my criticisms might make this hard to believe, but I did enjoy this story. I hope that I'll be able to read an expanded version of it someday.
One of the problems with opening up in the middle of the overall story is that the characters know things that the audience doesn't, and it can be difficult to get the audience up to speed without making it sound awkward. Most authors make the mistake of having the characters tell each other things that they obviously already know. And while there is a bit of that here, I think you instead go the opposite direction and don't tell us the things we should know soon enough. I spent the entire first half of the story wondering what Celestia and Luna were doing during all of this before you finally said that they had left Equestria entirely.
And I know that Cadance had basically gone mad, but a lot of the things she said really didn't make much sense.
“Then why did they like you better?” Heartbreak demanded.
“Ever since Celestia and Luna left, leaving me in charge of Equestria, it’s just been one disaster after another. The nobles refused to accept my rule, the Griffons threatened to secede, and Cadance…”
You know, Cadance, it really doesn't sound like they do.
“All anypony could think of was friendship. They forgot all about love.”
So nopony was dating, getting married, or otherwise forming romantic relationships anymore? That sounds very hard to believe. And that's only counting the romantic types of love.
“After Celestia and Luna left, you forgot me, Twilight,” Heartbreak bellowed, attacking yet again. “You and the rest of Equestria.”
Well, yeah. Of course they did. Twilight doesn't have much of an excuse (and considering how she hadn't even mentioned her brother to her friends, or apparently talked to him or Cadance, for the first two seasons, I don't think this is entirely out of character for her either), but the rest of Equestria on the other side of a frozen wasteland, probably hundreds of miles away. Even if the Crystal Empire isn't technically a separate nation, it might as well have been for most ponies. But it works the other way too. I'm sure that the crystal ponies thought Cadance was the important one and didn't care much about Twilight.
Also, what about Shining Armor? Celestia was ignoring Luna in the time leading up to her becoming Nightmare Moon (at least according to everyone's headcanon. I can't recall if that was ever actually said in the show), but Cadance still had Shining, at least.
Basically, your problem is that this story is too short. This is a fine ending point (though I wouldn't mind seeing the story continue past it (and Twilight should get Chrysalis to replace Cadance so that everyone will think everything is okay again)), but you need to adjust your starting point. I recommend starting either when Luna and Celestia leave or when Cadance gets corrupted.
I know that all my criticisms might make this hard to believe, but I did enjoy this story. I hope that I'll be able to read an expanded version of it someday.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention:
I am amused by the thought that the girl in LiseEclaire's Pocketful of Time a few rounds ago might be working for this God of Time.
(Hey, >>horizon, can those mash-ups span multiple rounds?)
I am amused by the thought that the girl in LiseEclaire's Pocketful of Time a few rounds ago might be working for this God of Time.
(Hey, >>horizon, can those mash-ups span multiple rounds?)
I have to agree with the other commenters that the second night seems like nothing after the first. Though to be fair, when it comes to brutally torturing Twilight's friends removing Rainbow's wings and rape are probably the most obvious options. If you had done the second night first, we all would have guessed what was coming next right away, and I imagine Twilight might have too. But by putting it first, you did leave us all wondering what would come next. If that was your intent, then it worked. But the problems with it that everyone has mentioned still stand.
Obviously the solution is to figure out more creative ways to torture two of them that won't be underwhelming after the events of the first night. Of course, it might be hard to find some tortures that fit the bill. I certainly don't have any recommendations.
This story is already skirting the line between T and M, and should you publish this on fimfiction, you should seriously consider just making it M.
Small thing: you call Blazing Dusk "Flaming Dusk" once.
Overall, this is not a story that I found very enjoyable. But even if it was done absolutely perfectly, it wouldn't be a story I would enjoy, because it's just that type of story. I'm not sure this story is even meant to be enjoyed, at least by the usual definition of the word.
I think the best thing I can say about this story is that if it's the story you wanted to write, you did a good job of writing it. It's just not the story any of us seem to want to read.
Obviously the solution is to figure out more creative ways to torture two of them that won't be underwhelming after the events of the first night. Of course, it might be hard to find some tortures that fit the bill. I certainly don't have any recommendations.
This story is already skirting the line between T and M, and should you publish this on fimfiction, you should seriously consider just making it M.
Small thing: you call Blazing Dusk "Flaming Dusk" once.
Overall, this is not a story that I found very enjoyable. But even if it was done absolutely perfectly, it wouldn't be a story I would enjoy, because it's just that type of story. I'm not sure this story is even meant to be enjoyed, at least by the usual definition of the word.
I think the best thing I can say about this story is that if it's the story you wanted to write, you did a good job of writing it. It's just not the story any of us seem to want to read.
Finally: The last story!
And it is definitely one of my favorites.
"Wacky Shipping Comedy" is practically my genre of choice when reading ponyfics, and this story stands with the best of them. All of the jokes landed for me, and I was smiling or laughing the entire time. Though my favorite part might have been how the bit about Luna not breathing turned out to be a Chekhov's gun. That was quite well done. The entire story was, really.
The only problem with this story is that now I'm not sure if it or Slingshot should take the top spot on my ballot.
This might be the first time anyone has ever said that about Big Mac
And it is definitely one of my favorites.
"Wacky Shipping Comedy" is practically my genre of choice when reading ponyfics, and this story stands with the best of them. All of the jokes landed for me, and I was smiling or laughing the entire time. Though my favorite part might have been how the bit about Luna not breathing turned out to be a Chekhov's gun. That was quite well done. The entire story was, really.
The only problem with this story is that now I'm not sure if it or Slingshot should take the top spot on my ballot.
His only flaw was his plethora of opinions.
This might be the first time anyone has ever said that about Big Mac
I found bits and pieces here I enjoyed, but I think much of this spends its time being a bit too vague. The problem I see is that the central 'hook' is 'When the Elements die, the Tree of Harmony dies'.
And...what? An age of uncertainty, okay, but why? What does the Tree do? As others have pointed out, Equestria did just fine for 1,000 years without the Elements. Give me an In the Garden of Good and Evil where I have some inkling of why the passing of an Age is bad.
Speaking of that...
>>Cold in Gardez
Write a sequel to In the Garden of Good and Evil already. Make it a magnum opus of adventure!
And...what? An age of uncertainty, okay, but why? What does the Tree do? As others have pointed out, Equestria did just fine for 1,000 years without the Elements. Give me an In the Garden of Good and Evil where I have some inkling of why the passing of an Age is bad.
Speaking of that...
>>Cold in Gardez
Write a sequel to In the Garden of Good and Evil already. Make it a magnum opus of adventure!
>>Morning Sun
Oh yeah. I forgot to say something about this bit in my earlier review.
I think this part actually makes sense. Sure, no one knew about the Tree or used the Elements in a thousand years, but it was still there and still alive. Whatever it did was still being done. But in the season 4 premiere, we saw what happened when the Tree started to get weak: the plundervines started growing, attacked Ponyville, and kidnapped two princesses. Once the Tree is completely gone, the plundervines could easily come back, and anything else it was holding back could show up as well. Honestly, they probably should have already, since it is clearly quite weak again by the time this story takes place.
And...what? An age of uncertainty, okay, but why? What does the Tree do? As others have pointed out, Equestria did just fine for 1,000 years without the Elements.
Oh yeah. I forgot to say something about this bit in my earlier review.
I think this part actually makes sense. Sure, no one knew about the Tree or used the Elements in a thousand years, but it was still there and still alive. Whatever it did was still being done. But in the season 4 premiere, we saw what happened when the Tree started to get weak: the plundervines started growing, attacked Ponyville, and kidnapped two princesses. Once the Tree is completely gone, the plundervines could easily come back, and anything else it was holding back could show up as well. Honestly, they probably should have already, since it is clearly quite weak again by the time this story takes place.
I think the shipping elements work.
What I don't think quite works is I feel it's too long, particularly near the beginning - it took me a while to engage because I felt a bit bored at the start, and even when I engaged I began to feel like it was taking too long in parts - the party being a good example. It would benefit from some condensing, in other words. Do that and I think it will be stronger if you can say more with less, author.
What I don't think quite works is I feel it's too long, particularly near the beginning - it took me a while to engage because I felt a bit bored at the start, and even when I engaged I began to feel like it was taking too long in parts - the party being a good example. It would benefit from some condensing, in other words. Do that and I think it will be stronger if you can say more with less, author.
I feel dense, in that I don't quite get how Luna's 'Our Momma' joke leads to Twilight figuring out Heliocentric Solar System.
This is fun-ridiculous in many ways. I think though it relies a little too heavily on 'Look its Link wink wink nudge nudge' jokes that could be improved by;...I admit I am not certain what improvement suggestion to throw out.
Pretty much agree with the above reviewers. Not bad, but not special, and it definitely feels like the story could have been more interesting if it started at the end, as >>Bad Horse suggested.
I did like the description of Dash brutalising Fluttershy's stuffed hippo, and Zephyr's cameo, though. Made me smile.
I did like the description of Dash brutalising Fluttershy's stuffed hippo, and Zephyr's cameo, though. Made me smile.
I was pretty intrigued by this. It needs work, and I agree with much of what >>FrontSevens said, but I didn't feel like it was just nostalgia - although I don't know much about G1. Maybe that contributes to my interest.
I do think it needs more space to continue so it can finish on a more satisfactory note - answering questions about how the rainbow arrived, how Firefly reacts to being in Equestria, separation from Megan, etc.
But yeah. Colour me pleasantly surprised and intrigued. I'd definitely read more if you expanded this. Nice work.
I do think it needs more space to continue so it can finish on a more satisfactory note - answering questions about how the rainbow arrived, how Firefly reacts to being in Equestria, separation from Megan, etc.
But yeah. Colour me pleasantly surprised and intrigued. I'd definitely read more if you expanded this. Nice work.
>>Morning Sun
The sun has its own orbit. That means that the planet orbits the sun, not the other way around. Therefor, Celestia has been lying about moving the sun.
Technically, it could still be the case that the sun orbits the planet and some other smaller object—basically, its own moon—orbits the sun. But if that was the case, Luna would have just said so.
The sun has its own orbit. That means that the planet orbits the sun, not the other way around. Therefor, Celestia has been lying about moving the sun.
Technically, it could still be the case that the sun orbits the planet and some other smaller object—basically, its own moon—orbits the sun. But if that was the case, Luna would have just said so.
Last minute! YAY! Okay, I actually enjoyed reading this, at least for most of it. I was enticed by the idea that for some reason, Twilight Sparkle of all ponies would plagiarize something. Why would a pony like Twilight ever plagiarize something? I was never told why. That's what made it so interesting, and that definitely would have worked, had a justification been given.
My only other issue is that Twilight predicts Celestia's punishments for her pretty much verbatim. If this was supposed to be funny, that would work wonderfully, but as is, it feels more out of place than Twi plagiarizing. Other than that, the fic itself was well written aside from the plot elements I mentioned.
My only other issue is that Twilight predicts Celestia's punishments for her pretty much verbatim. If this was supposed to be funny, that would work wonderfully, but as is, it feels more out of place than Twi plagiarizing. Other than that, the fic itself was well written aside from the plot elements I mentioned.
>>georg >>horizon >>Posh >>Bad Horse >>wYvern
Better late than never; I love doing these.
Fairy Slingshot: After far too long, Celestia returns home.
Opal, Gemstones, Salt, Wood, Crystal, and Solitude for the Modern Businessmare: Ms. Harshwhinny looks back on her past conquests.
The Empty Throne's Historical Gaps: Daring Do discovers what seems to be deliberately quashed archeological evidence of a second princess. Celestia realizes she was so busy doing the work of two diarchs that she kind of botched the whole "don't let Luna be forgotten" thing and asks Daring to keep it under wraps for another decade or so.
The End of One Era: Two changelings try to instigate a coup in Canterlot but are defeated by their own mental latency issues.
Heartbreak's End: Cadence's nightmarish madness ends when she's comes up against the overwhelming titan of charisma that is Firecracker.
My Little Fentsie's Sin: Celestia cruelly takes the adorable little zebra-dragon from her father, not willing to put up with yet another My Little Dashie parody.
Better late than never; I love doing these.
Fairy Slingshot: After far too long, Celestia returns home.
Opal, Gemstones, Salt, Wood, Crystal, and Solitude for the Modern Businessmare: Ms. Harshwhinny looks back on her past conquests.
The Empty Throne's Historical Gaps: Daring Do discovers what seems to be deliberately quashed archeological evidence of a second princess. Celestia realizes she was so busy doing the work of two diarchs that she kind of botched the whole "don't let Luna be forgotten" thing and asks Daring to keep it under wraps for another decade or so.
The End of One Era: Two changelings try to instigate a coup in Canterlot but are defeated by their own mental latency issues.
Heartbreak's End: Cadence's nightmarish madness ends when she's comes up against the overwhelming titan of charisma that is Firecracker.
My Little Fentsie's Sin: Celestia cruelly takes the adorable little zebra-dragon from her father, not willing to put up with yet another My Little Dashie parody.
Good luck to all finalists! ;)
Last Days… short recap’
One: I apologise to all of you that read and loathed this story. Sorry for that bad trip.
Two: This was remotely inspired by some testimonies about concentration camps and some thoughts about dictatorships (Franco, Pinochet…), as well as an old French song I need not name since nobody will know about it. So, to answer J, yes, the background, tone and events were perfectly intentional, and slap bang what I intended. Also see just below.
Three: This was more an experiment than a story. An experiment in pulling off effective dark descriptions and dark scenes. The prose seemed to come across as up-to-snuff, so that’s the only positive point I’m going to take away.
Four: The story was written on my iPhone in scattered spells of 15-20 minutes, and finished on the train. I had no real idea besides what happens during the first night (as you have all noticed), and it ended up feeling disjointed. I’m concerned because it seems that whatever I try to write I can’t come out with a sensible, coherent plot (see also my last original story). All my plots are flawed to some (and often major) extent.
Five: Also ominous: it seems I’m unable to voice any pony character right. I already knew I couldn’t portray anypony other than the princesses, but now it seems even “my” Twilight sounds wrong, which means I’m left with Celestia and Luna. A rather skimpy choice. (PS: the slightly archaic tinge was intentional, the events narrated in the diary taking place a long time ago as evidenced by the conclusion).
Six: The story leaves some points unexplained. Yes, it’s an AU where Tirek has won, and this takes place just after ‘his’ victory. But I also added a background family element for Twilight, because it wouldn’t have made sense to her to write a log without anyone to send it or dedicate it to. I planned to write that the young cook apprentice Twilight met was responsible for smuggling the log out of the pen, but simply forgot to add that scene.
Seven: Not sure what I’m going to do with this story, though a suitable FimFic page is already set up (this is a project I thought about long ago but had no time to write), especially since Twilight’s voice seems SO wrong. Maybe yes, I shall publish it after thinking of something more gruesome for the second night (didn’t someone suggest something above?).
Eight: This story is — hopefully — going to rank last. Sorry, Horizon. Your hopes were misplaced… :/
Last : Sorry once again to all. I hope you won’t hate me. See you next round. Hopefully, minifics are more lenient, at least plot-wise. That means I have a slight chance to do a tad better. Maybe with another dark story? :\
Last Days… short recap’
One: I apologise to all of you that read and loathed this story. Sorry for that bad trip.
Two: This was remotely inspired by some testimonies about concentration camps and some thoughts about dictatorships (Franco, Pinochet…), as well as an old French song I need not name since nobody will know about it. So, to answer J, yes, the background, tone and events were perfectly intentional, and slap bang what I intended. Also see just below.
Three: This was more an experiment than a story. An experiment in pulling off effective dark descriptions and dark scenes. The prose seemed to come across as up-to-snuff, so that’s the only positive point I’m going to take away.
Four: The story was written on my iPhone in scattered spells of 15-20 minutes, and finished on the train. I had no real idea besides what happens during the first night (as you have all noticed), and it ended up feeling disjointed. I’m concerned because it seems that whatever I try to write I can’t come out with a sensible, coherent plot (see also my last original story). All my plots are flawed to some (and often major) extent.
Five: Also ominous: it seems I’m unable to voice any pony character right. I already knew I couldn’t portray anypony other than the princesses, but now it seems even “my” Twilight sounds wrong, which means I’m left with Celestia and Luna. A rather skimpy choice. (PS: the slightly archaic tinge was intentional, the events narrated in the diary taking place a long time ago as evidenced by the conclusion).
Six: The story leaves some points unexplained. Yes, it’s an AU where Tirek has won, and this takes place just after ‘his’ victory. But I also added a background family element for Twilight, because it wouldn’t have made sense to her to write a log without anyone to send it or dedicate it to. I planned to write that the young cook apprentice Twilight met was responsible for smuggling the log out of the pen, but simply forgot to add that scene.
Seven: Not sure what I’m going to do with this story, though a suitable FimFic page is already set up (this is a project I thought about long ago but had no time to write), especially since Twilight’s voice seems SO wrong. Maybe yes, I shall publish it after thinking of something more gruesome for the second night (didn’t someone suggest something above?).
Eight: This story is — hopefully — going to rank last. Sorry, Horizon. Your hopes were misplaced… :/
Last : Sorry once again to all. I hope you won’t hate me. See you next round. Hopefully, minifics are more lenient, at least plot-wise. That means I have a slight chance to do a tad better. Maybe with another dark story? :\
I want to preface this by saying yes, I know my writing was inherently flawed and I should have planned everything out much better... or at all. So I'll only be responding to corrections in what I wished to display even if I didn't do it as well as I could have.
1. Vengeance only took over the first time because she was unconscious and he took advantage of that to take control.
2. Sanguine has a double meaning. Joyful and blood-red.
I don't really have much more to add because the reviews I have been given are dead on about my failings in this story.
On another note though; I am currently rewriting this to be much longer and set in Sanguine's point of view with a lot more character and world building.
1. Vengeance only took over the first time because she was unconscious and he took advantage of that to take control.
2. Sanguine has a double meaning. Joyful and blood-red.
I don't really have much more to add because the reviews I have been given are dead on about my failings in this story.
On another note though; I am currently rewriting this to be much longer and set in Sanguine's point of view with a lot more character and world building.
>>Haze
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>FrontSevens
>>Posh
>>The_Letter_J
>>Astrarian
A huge apology to you all (as well as everyone else who read the story). The third scene was never supposed to have happened. The only reason for its existence is that I lost the thread halfway through writing this and came up with something plausible at the very last moment. The idea was to have the old rainbow rider meet the new sonic rainboomer, but I botched it really bad.
Many thanks for the advice and kind comments :) Will try to do better next time.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>FrontSevens
>>Posh
>>The_Letter_J
>>Astrarian
A huge apology to you all (as well as everyone else who read the story). The third scene was never supposed to have happened. The only reason for its existence is that I lost the thread halfway through writing this and came up with something plausible at the very last moment. The idea was to have the old rainbow rider meet the new sonic rainboomer, but I botched it really bad.
Many thanks for the advice and kind comments :) Will try to do better next time.
The Empty Throne
A cautionary tale of trying to do far too much with far too little.
Ultimately the overall reaction and confusion to this story I think is the result of two particular failings on my end:
1. The failure to provide adequate framework from which to understand the story's overall thesis, so much so that the underlying principles of the conflict are barely noticeable within the narrative and instead lends itself to a much more simplistic "Celestia vs. her mean council of evilness" reading. Under three thousand words was not a good idea to write this sort of story which is ostensibly about symbolic politicking, historical revisionism / demonization, and emotional responses versus practical responses in the context of governing. Consequently, the story's greatest failing is the lack of a clear grounding details to properly explain the motivations and rationale behind the character's decisions, leaving the reader adrift and searching for their own rationale for character actions and motivations. I think it would be impossible without me explaining it personally for the reader to understand that this is intended to be written as a commentary on the struggles of governing, rather than a straightforward narrative of "Why Celestia isn't Queen."
2. Assuming that everyone has the same idea of how governing works in Equestria and how a council would respond to the loss of a head of state as I do. Essentially my idea of how a council of governing authorities would react to the loss of Luna would be swift and immediate dealing of all the bureaucratic ins-and-outs and mountains of paperwork necessary in order to smoothly transition Celestia to the sole head of state, and minimize the political damage caused by Luna's actions by officially reducing her standing and increasing Celestia's, essentially to state that the old regime had died and this was the new rule. Once again, had I explained this fact even once, I think more people would have been willing to give me more of a benefit of the doubt in regards to the council. They're not evil, in fact they're practical. But practical to the point that they lose a bit of their emotional response.
I think this is the result of me trying to push several angles that would be interesting if executed properly, but didn't mesh well together due to my own personal inexperience and lofty ambitions. Overall, I wanted to write a story where the stakes were very subdued and symbolic, none of the characters were antagonists, and everyone thought they were making the correct decision as a reflection of the actual governing process. In a strictly practical sense, the empty throne should have been tossed out in the garbage, along with the rest of the traitor Luna's belongings. But Celestia wants to respect Luna's legacy and her own emotional nostalgia and instead see the parts of good of Luna along with the bad, much how there is a modern debate today of whether or not to honor or demonize civil war generals that fought for the Confederacy because they represented the ideal of slavery, but were also military geniuses. Those are the ideas I was juggling, and I think only a smidgen of them escaped into the actual plot-line.
Ironically, I think
>>Bad Horse
despite being one of the most critical, also read a lot of my intentions from the work. It is unfortunate that with the scant information present, he concluded the exact opposite of what I wanted, but nonetheless, I am still pleasantly surprised that a lot of the undertones of the scenes, particularly that of Posh Pin didn't go unnoticed.
Some notes explaining various points (i.e. ideas I should have clarified in the actual story):
>>Xepher
>>Bad Horse
You guysssssssssssss. That's not what I wannnttttteeeeeeeedddddddddd. I had tried several ways of writing that conflict, and I couldn't get a grasp of on how to write the council as I intended, which was to say, lawful good. I think anyone going into this story would read a conflict between Celestia and her council as Celestia being in the right and the council in the wrong based on their preconceived notions, so I really tried my best to get them to appear as morally neutral as possible, but that just didn't work.
>>Bad Horse
From my understanding, that wasn't how the battle went down in canon. I might have to rewatch the scene again, but it seems to me that the fight didn't occur in the castle itself, instead in some one story throne room area, and the physical damage of the battle was minimal to rest of Canterlot.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Well that's the kicker of the story, isn't it? How are you supposed to give away someone's land if they're not actually dead, and still officially a princess? Also, once again, this is sort of my headcannon against yours, but it's my understanding the Everfree Castle was Luna's and Canterlot's was Celestia's. Each of them jointly ruled, but each had their own castle and domain apart from one another.
>>The_Letter_J
Yeah, I realize retroactively that the story of Celestia and Luna wasn't the best set-up to tell this kind of story.
>>horizon
No, you're right. I don't personally consider those facts mutually exclusive, but I suppose I could have written in another sentence of two on the backstory of the council to make sure the reader understood that it was for both Celestia and Luna, and not independently Celestia's council prior to the exile.
Yeah, I agree. There should have been a minor tell in the body language or a speech tag that indicated that he didn't really believe in what he was saying. He's lying without a hint in the narrative to inform the reader that he is.
Yeah, I fully expected to be hit on this point, and am surprised that more people didn't hammer that notion in.
Ambiguity thine name is Cassius. Really "forgotten" is a very poor word choice because it carries a connotation I didn't intend. What I meant to say by this is that the council is young to the point where they don't really understand Luna, what she did, or what she does, and only can see her as the traitor. They weren't around for her founding Equestria, and they aren't really aware of what she did in the night. Their image of Luna is some princess who never really did anything that got jealous and turned traitor, and they're ready to brand her in the annals of history as such.
BUT NONE OF THAT WAS EXPLAINED HAHAHA
It's hard for me to write exposition. I had no idea how to force all those ideas into the narrative unobtrusively and as a result I got a very confusing product. Next time, Gadget, next time!
A cautionary tale of trying to do far too much with far too little.
Ultimately the overall reaction and confusion to this story I think is the result of two particular failings on my end:
1. The failure to provide adequate framework from which to understand the story's overall thesis, so much so that the underlying principles of the conflict are barely noticeable within the narrative and instead lends itself to a much more simplistic "Celestia vs. her mean council of evilness" reading. Under three thousand words was not a good idea to write this sort of story which is ostensibly about symbolic politicking, historical revisionism / demonization, and emotional responses versus practical responses in the context of governing. Consequently, the story's greatest failing is the lack of a clear grounding details to properly explain the motivations and rationale behind the character's decisions, leaving the reader adrift and searching for their own rationale for character actions and motivations. I think it would be impossible without me explaining it personally for the reader to understand that this is intended to be written as a commentary on the struggles of governing, rather than a straightforward narrative of "Why Celestia isn't Queen."
2. Assuming that everyone has the same idea of how governing works in Equestria and how a council would respond to the loss of a head of state as I do. Essentially my idea of how a council of governing authorities would react to the loss of Luna would be swift and immediate dealing of all the bureaucratic ins-and-outs and mountains of paperwork necessary in order to smoothly transition Celestia to the sole head of state, and minimize the political damage caused by Luna's actions by officially reducing her standing and increasing Celestia's, essentially to state that the old regime had died and this was the new rule. Once again, had I explained this fact even once, I think more people would have been willing to give me more of a benefit of the doubt in regards to the council. They're not evil, in fact they're practical. But practical to the point that they lose a bit of their emotional response.
I think this is the result of me trying to push several angles that would be interesting if executed properly, but didn't mesh well together due to my own personal inexperience and lofty ambitions. Overall, I wanted to write a story where the stakes were very subdued and symbolic, none of the characters were antagonists, and everyone thought they were making the correct decision as a reflection of the actual governing process. In a strictly practical sense, the empty throne should have been tossed out in the garbage, along with the rest of the traitor Luna's belongings. But Celestia wants to respect Luna's legacy and her own emotional nostalgia and instead see the parts of good of Luna along with the bad, much how there is a modern debate today of whether or not to honor or demonize civil war generals that fought for the Confederacy because they represented the ideal of slavery, but were also military geniuses. Those are the ideas I was juggling, and I think only a smidgen of them escaped into the actual plot-line.
Ironically, I think
>>Bad Horse
despite being one of the most critical, also read a lot of my intentions from the work. It is unfortunate that with the scant information present, he concluded the exact opposite of what I wanted, but nonetheless, I am still pleasantly surprised that a lot of the undertones of the scenes, particularly that of Posh Pin didn't go unnoticed.
Some notes explaining various points (i.e. ideas I should have clarified in the actual story):
>>Xepher
I understand they're simply "the bad guys" in this narrative
>>Bad Horse
We're supposed to see the council as the bad ponies. They're bad and stupid, and Celestia and Posh Pin are wise and good. This is a boring way to frame the question. Give the council some good points.
You guysssssssssssss. That's not what I wannnttttteeeeeeeedddddddddd. I had tried several ways of writing that conflict, and I couldn't get a grasp of on how to write the council as I intended, which was to say, lawful good. I think anyone going into this story would read a conflict between Celestia and her council as Celestia being in the right and the council in the wrong based on their preconceived notions, so I really tried my best to get them to appear as morally neutral as possible, but that just didn't work.
>>Bad Horse
- On that point, they should still be in shock from the battle and sweeping up rubble, catching up on sleep, searching for survivors, preparing for the move out of the ruined castle, or just trying to stop bleeding.
From my understanding, that wasn't how the battle went down in canon. I might have to rewatch the scene again, but it seems to me that the fight didn't occur in the castle itself, instead in some one story throne room area, and the physical damage of the battle was minimal to rest of Canterlot.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Wouldn’t Luna’s holdings default to Celestia anyway? Someone has to have them. Indeed, why didn’t the sisters hold their lands collectively?
Well that's the kicker of the story, isn't it? How are you supposed to give away someone's land if they're not actually dead, and still officially a princess? Also, once again, this is sort of my headcannon against yours, but it's my understanding the Everfree Castle was Luna's and Canterlot's was Celestia's. Each of them jointly ruled, but each had their own castle and domain apart from one another.
>>The_Letter_J
With Celestia so insistent on Princess Luna being remembered, I have to wonder how she let ponies forget about her in all meaningful ways.
Yeah, I realize retroactively that the story of Celestia and Luna wasn't the best set-up to tell this kind of story.
>>horizon
Also, am I misreading the text, or is Posh Celestia's chief advisor even though it was Luna who hired him for life 30 years ago?
No, you're right. I don't personally consider those facts mutually exclusive, but I suppose I could have written in another sentence of two on the backstory of the council to make sure the reader understood that it was for both Celestia and Luna, and not independently Celestia's council prior to the exile.
... and in fact is the one who proposes Celestia should be Queen, without any hint that he personally objects to the idea.
Yeah, I agree. There should have been a minor tell in the body language or a speech tag that indicated that he didn't really believe in what he was saying. He's lying without a hint in the narrative to inform the reader that he is.
The resolution is that Celestia gives an inspiring speech
Yeah, I fully expected to be hit on this point, and am surprised that more people didn't hammer that notion in.
"the council is full of young bucks that they can’t remember how important how important Princess Luna was to Equestria".
Barring further information about her recent history and the timescale of the Nightmare Moon crisis, this makes those young advisors look either laughably incompetent or transparently conniving.
Ambiguity thine name is Cassius. Really "forgotten" is a very poor word choice because it carries a connotation I didn't intend. What I meant to say by this is that the council is young to the point where they don't really understand Luna, what she did, or what she does, and only can see her as the traitor. They weren't around for her founding Equestria, and they aren't really aware of what she did in the night. Their image of Luna is some princess who never really did anything that got jealous and turned traitor, and they're ready to brand her in the annals of history as such.
BUT NONE OF THAT WAS EXPLAINED HAHAHA
It's hard for me to write exposition. I had no idea how to force all those ideas into the narrative unobtrusively and as a result I got a very confusing product. Next time, Gadget, next time!
>>Monokeras
Is that because you only notice the issues with your plot in hindsight, or because you can't think of ways to circumvent issues you already notice during planning/writing?
I’m concerned because it seems that whatever I try to write I can’t come out with a sensible, coherent plot (see also my last original story). All my plots are flawed to some (and often major) extent.
Is that because you only notice the issues with your plot in hindsight, or because you can't think of ways to circumvent issues you already notice during planning/writing?
>>Posh >>Bad Horse >>FanOfMostEverything >>FrontSevens >>The_Letter_J >>Astrarian
Well, here we are.
A New Home
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
The common thread throughout most of these reviews seems to indicate disappointment in the ending. That it just sidesteps the issue, or needs to be expanded further beyond the scope of the story.
It means I didn't sell the ending properly. I already know what I can change in the story, mostly in the diner scene with Rainbow Dash's dad.
But otherwise, the ending is what it is meant to be. The story is supposed to end there, and the solution is the intended one.
Rainbow Dash doesn't want anything remotely resembling a mother figure in her life. Crystal Waters can't really respect that, and is kind of a bitch besides. Rainbow Dash isn't remotely mature enough to come to any sort of greater understanding or reconciliation on the issue. She probably won't be for a long time.
But personal issues are greatly exacerbated when two people have to live together. So the best solution to the problem, barring extensive family therapy, is time and distance. Rainbow Dash getting her own place addresses this in a way that's mutually beneficial to both parties.
Rainbow Dash gets to experience her independence, and can tolerate a step mom that isn't actively in her life. By the time she's in her mid twenties, I bet her and Crystal could even become friends.
The other common complaint was that Rainbow Dash lacked sympathy as a protagonist. Which was also intentional? She's a flawed person, young, and irrational. I wanted to play a complicated family situation where both parties are in the wrong. Ultimately, I suppose that's not everyone's cup of tea, and teenage angst doesn't seem to be a big seller in the writeoff market.
A few direct responses:
The_Letter_J
This was mostly to properly date the story as taking place Pre-Equestria girls 1, where Sunset is a bitch and a bully, and Rainbow Dash only has Fluttershy, and not the rest of her friends to back her up.
Bad Horse
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
Anyway, while I'm disappointed at the tepid reception, I already have plans to revise and post on fimfiction soon enough. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story (even if I got a lot of pity views due to low review count, since I seem to have gotten unlucky with slates). I wish you all good luck in this writeoff if you're still in it, and in writeoffs yet to come.
Well, here we are.
A New Home
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
The common thread throughout most of these reviews seems to indicate disappointment in the ending. That it just sidesteps the issue, or needs to be expanded further beyond the scope of the story.
It means I didn't sell the ending properly. I already know what I can change in the story, mostly in the diner scene with Rainbow Dash's dad.
But otherwise, the ending is what it is meant to be. The story is supposed to end there, and the solution is the intended one.
Rainbow Dash doesn't want anything remotely resembling a mother figure in her life. Crystal Waters can't really respect that, and is kind of a bitch besides. Rainbow Dash isn't remotely mature enough to come to any sort of greater understanding or reconciliation on the issue. She probably won't be for a long time.
But personal issues are greatly exacerbated when two people have to live together. So the best solution to the problem, barring extensive family therapy, is time and distance. Rainbow Dash getting her own place addresses this in a way that's mutually beneficial to both parties.
Rainbow Dash gets to experience her independence, and can tolerate a step mom that isn't actively in her life. By the time she's in her mid twenties, I bet her and Crystal could even become friends.
The other common complaint was that Rainbow Dash lacked sympathy as a protagonist. Which was also intentional? She's a flawed person, young, and irrational. I wanted to play a complicated family situation where both parties are in the wrong. Ultimately, I suppose that's not everyone's cup of tea, and teenage angst doesn't seem to be a big seller in the writeoff market.
A few direct responses:
The_Letter_J
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
This was mostly to properly date the story as taking place Pre-Equestria girls 1, where Sunset is a bitch and a bully, and Rainbow Dash only has Fluttershy, and not the rest of her friends to back her up.
Bad Horse
My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
Anyway, while I'm disappointed at the tepid reception, I already have plans to revise and post on fimfiction soon enough. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story (even if I got a lot of pity views due to low review count, since I seem to have gotten unlucky with slates). I wish you all good luck in this writeoff if you're still in it, and in writeoffs yet to come.
Retrospective time!
So, this is all said and done very simple : I was at Trotcon. I have not missed a Writeoff in nearly 3 years. And I wasnt gonna let it happen now despite being super exhausted from 2 cons in a row. And, well - RobCakeRan, the guy who wrote MLD, was at Trotcon and we were at a writer/artist party shindig.
During this I am looking through my Secret Shipfic cards and stumble upon 'A Gift on the Doorstep' which has Kefentse (Who is the deliberately over-the-top OC from TSSSF meant as a loving parody of Mary Sues everywhere) in it. Combined with Rob being there, the idea of writing an absurdist take on the whole thing hit. And thus, inspiration.
Then I got really tired and went to bed with only 300 words written, woke up at 5 AM, finished the rest in like 25 minutes, went back to sleep. And voila.
>>FrontSevens
Yea, the opening is meant to be dull and cliched. The thing is that TSSSF is about, well, bad, overwrought fanfiction - a proper TSSSF-inspired story should be wrought with cliche. I may want to tighten it up to be /shorter/, but playing it straight at the start is intended so that I can veer rapidly into left field and then go over the top.
>>horizon
It's not meant to be a takedown. It's more of an affectionate ribbing, or that was my goal - going too far into 'Bleak grey cube' territory is beyond what I want to do.
Still, there is room to improve the opening for sure since it seems to be the most-criticized part. I do want to keep some of the maudlin melodrama of Dashie - at least until Dear, Sweet Kefentse starts to really show her stuff.
The other part is her introduction is straight off the TSSSF card. I'm attempting to write a take on the card-as-story so the part from 'As he pushed open the door' to 'I'll name you...Kefentse' is from the card.
Last, on the absurdity - the goal is to steadily escalate. Start off low-key and go up. Hence 'Mouse -> Eating small children -> Fields Medal -> etc'. And then at the end we see dear, sweet Kefentse all maligned and alone and unfairly prosecuted when she just wants to make friends and also has her horn broken since that's on the card of her as an adult.
Anyhow, I'd gladly welcome feedback towards the goal of 'Start off more serious and escalate to the absurd'. Much of this is rough stream of consciousness.
>>FrontSevens
Fimfic will help with this since I can use the TSSSF card as cover art.
>>The_Letter_J
This is Twilight Sparkle's originally fanfiction. I uh, discovered it. Like. At that typewriter-thing at Bronycon. Because clearly Twilight wrote it when she was transformed into a 1936 Underwood Typewriter. I totally did not write this at Trotcon at 5 AM, nope, no sirree, praise Celestia, glory be!
>>Bad Horse
Kefentse is a kind, noble, generous soul who simply does not understand early in her life mice are not for vicious mauling. Fortunately she is averted from mauling small human children, but even if she had it would have been an innocent kitten at play, not a vicious monster!
As President of All Earth she is the greatest president ++++ 4evr best friend to humanity. But yes. Kefentse is meant to be a Mary Sue. That's, like, the essence of her TSSSF character. She's an over the top Sue, and I want to capture that.
At the same time she shouldn't have a lot of depth because, well, deliberate love-letter to bad fanfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks on feedback!
>>TheCyanRecluse
Same as above!
So, this is all said and done very simple : I was at Trotcon. I have not missed a Writeoff in nearly 3 years. And I wasnt gonna let it happen now despite being super exhausted from 2 cons in a row. And, well - RobCakeRan, the guy who wrote MLD, was at Trotcon and we were at a writer/artist party shindig.
During this I am looking through my Secret Shipfic cards and stumble upon 'A Gift on the Doorstep' which has Kefentse (Who is the deliberately over-the-top OC from TSSSF meant as a loving parody of Mary Sues everywhere) in it. Combined with Rob being there, the idea of writing an absurdist take on the whole thing hit. And thus, inspiration.
Then I got really tired and went to bed with only 300 words written, woke up at 5 AM, finished the rest in like 25 minutes, went back to sleep. And voila.
>>FrontSevens
Yea, the opening is meant to be dull and cliched. The thing is that TSSSF is about, well, bad, overwrought fanfiction - a proper TSSSF-inspired story should be wrought with cliche. I may want to tighten it up to be /shorter/, but playing it straight at the start is intended so that I can veer rapidly into left field and then go over the top.
>>horizon
It's not meant to be a takedown. It's more of an affectionate ribbing, or that was my goal - going too far into 'Bleak grey cube' territory is beyond what I want to do.
Still, there is room to improve the opening for sure since it seems to be the most-criticized part. I do want to keep some of the maudlin melodrama of Dashie - at least until Dear, Sweet Kefentse starts to really show her stuff.
The other part is her introduction is straight off the TSSSF card. I'm attempting to write a take on the card-as-story so the part from 'As he pushed open the door' to 'I'll name you...Kefentse' is from the card.
Last, on the absurdity - the goal is to steadily escalate. Start off low-key and go up. Hence 'Mouse -> Eating small children -> Fields Medal -> etc'. And then at the end we see dear, sweet Kefentse all maligned and alone and unfairly prosecuted when she just wants to make friends and also has her horn broken since that's on the card of her as an adult.
Anyhow, I'd gladly welcome feedback towards the goal of 'Start off more serious and escalate to the absurd'. Much of this is rough stream of consciousness.
>>FrontSevens
Fimfic will help with this since I can use the TSSSF card as cover art.
>>The_Letter_J
This is Twilight Sparkle's originally fanfiction. I uh, discovered it. Like. At that typewriter-thing at Bronycon. Because clearly Twilight wrote it when she was transformed into a 1936 Underwood Typewriter. I totally did not write this at Trotcon at 5 AM, nope, no sirree, praise Celestia, glory be!
>>Bad Horse
Kefentse is a kind, noble, generous soul who simply does not understand early in her life mice are not for vicious mauling. Fortunately she is averted from mauling small human children, but even if she had it would have been an innocent kitten at play, not a vicious monster!
As President of All Earth she is the greatest president ++++ 4evr best friend to humanity. But yes. Kefentse is meant to be a Mary Sue. That's, like, the essence of her TSSSF character. She's an over the top Sue, and I want to capture that.
At the same time she shouldn't have a lot of depth because, well, deliberate love-letter to bad fanfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks on feedback!
>>TheCyanRecluse
Same as above!
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>wYvern
>>Bugle
I just read this but to me the forest is clear - that's the Everfree. The 'True' story at the end is Princess Twilight Sparkle - except in this one, Twilight failed to find Celestia/Luna, so used the Elements of Harmony and their lifeforce to somehow empower this clock to resume moving the heavens. The Everfree is the Sealed Forest, probably to stop its wild growth of plunder vines? Idk. Author can elaborate, this is all conjecture on my part.
The gems are glowing because hey, the Elements were just re-discovered and are re-awakening or something.
And, well, depending on if you believe whether or not Alicorns need to eat, Celestia and Luna may be super duper bored still sitting in their vine-prison-things.
>>wYvern
>>Bugle
I just read this but to me the forest is clear - that's the Everfree. The 'True' story at the end is Princess Twilight Sparkle - except in this one, Twilight failed to find Celestia/Luna, so used the Elements of Harmony and their lifeforce to somehow empower this clock to resume moving the heavens. The Everfree is the Sealed Forest, probably to stop its wild growth of plunder vines? Idk. Author can elaborate, this is all conjecture on my part.
The gems are glowing because hey, the Elements were just re-discovered and are re-awakening or something.
And, well, depending on if you believe whether or not Alicorns need to eat, Celestia and Luna may be super duper bored still sitting in their vine-prison-things.
I like this, mostly, but one nitpick - 'Celestia and Luna left'. Okay, fine - to where? Like, are they ascending to another plane of existence? Are they on vacation in Neighples? Did they return to their home planet? 'Left' is vague and makes one go 'Why arent they coming back if everything is turned to shit?' so I'd advise grounding it a bit better on why they are gone and not going to help.
I wish this had been on my slate, because it would have been near, or maybe at, the top. It does this really fascinating thing of storytelling through negative space, and -- to me, at least -- it does a good job of telling us what the real story is through the framing of the Equestria story. Also agreed with >>wYvern about the power of the ending.
The one thing I don't understand is why the narrator feels it necessary to weave Nod into the Equestrian reality. In negative-space reality, Wynken is clearly a wife (or perhaps just close friend and lover) who cheated on him, Blynken is another close friend who committed suicide, but Nod's story is simply one of slow neglect and decline in a retirement home and I don't know why it left such an impact; millions of people are dying in similar situations each day and I'm not getting the intensely personal pain off of Nod that I am with the other two. Is there a family connection? If so I'm missing the hints; he seems to be just some random guy they met in the library.
The one thing I don't understand is why the narrator feels it necessary to weave Nod into the Equestrian reality. In negative-space reality, Wynken is clearly a wife (or perhaps just close friend and lover) who cheated on him, Blynken is another close friend who committed suicide, but Nod's story is simply one of slow neglect and decline in a retirement home and I don't know why it left such an impact; millions of people are dying in similar situations each day and I'm not getting the intensely personal pain off of Nod that I am with the other two. Is there a family connection? If so I'm missing the hints; he seems to be just some random guy they met in the library.
>>wYvern
Hallo Wy!
Mostly the latter. Often I have a vague idea for a beginning, the end, maybe an intermediate scene, and then nothing. I find myself totally at loss to draw a logical course from beginning to end barring sometime one single segment. This was especially noticeable in this "story" but the previous was also panned for the same reason. Also, Cassius pointed out all my plots revolved around a final "twist", but they weren't plot by themselves.
Hallo Wy!
Is that because you only notice the issues with your plot in hindsight, or because you can't think of ways to circumvent issues you already notice during planning/writing?
Mostly the latter. Often I have a vague idea for a beginning, the end, maybe an intermediate scene, and then nothing. I find myself totally at loss to draw a logical course from beginning to end barring sometime one single segment. This was especially noticeable in this "story" but the previous was also panned for the same reason. Also, Cassius pointed out all my plots revolved around a final "twist", but they weren't plot by themselves.
Hello Everyone. So I guess it shows that I am the one who made the story, A New Beginning. When I was making it I was watching that video that everyone has been talking about. I was inspired by it and I thought doing it like this would have worked. I guess now that it didn't do so well in the polling but at least I gave it try. I know it was better then the time I made that story that was the Heineken James Bond reenactment that I did. Anyway I thought I did good, maybe my writing needs more tuning or I need to slow down and flesh out the details, even though I had three days to get the idea in my head and write it done. Well anyway my story is done and now it shall be shipped off to a worthy editor.
I like to thank everyone that had reviewed my story and gave it there honest opinion, which a lot of it was on the construction of the story and the technical side of things; seems I would never win on that front. Though I would like to thank Cold In Gardez for praising me on that part, the having the idea and going with it plan. I really appreciate that and that really helped me out because I really believe the story to be a winner if not at least get into the second half of the competition. I will try to flesh out this story and try to get some editors to look into this.
That is all everyone and good luck to you all in the second half of the finals. I got a story to edit.
~Broman
I like to thank everyone that had reviewed my story and gave it there honest opinion, which a lot of it was on the construction of the story and the technical side of things; seems I would never win on that front. Though I would like to thank Cold In Gardez for praising me on that part, the having the idea and going with it plan. I really appreciate that and that really helped me out because I really believe the story to be a winner if not at least get into the second half of the competition. I will try to flesh out this story and try to get some editors to look into this.
That is all everyone and good luck to you all in the second half of the finals. I got a story to edit.
~Broman
Writer's Sin Post-Contest Analysis
A big thanks to all of you who took the time to read my half-baked fanfic.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Posh >>Bad Horse >>The_Letter_J >>Bugle >>Broman >>TheCyanRecluse >>the_Doc
Somebody up there (The_Letter_J, I think) called me a psychic because of the perceived prediction of current events. In actuality, I was ponifying the 2008 story of Timothy Goeglein, who had all the students in my college amphitorium on the edge of our seats with his riveting testimony. After rising to the rank of White House Office of Public Liaison, he was found guilty of 20 counts of plagiarism, called into the Oval Office, and fired, but forgiven, by the President. As a brony in the audience, I couldn't help but make parallels to a certain pair of alicorn Princesses.
That said, the story didn't deliver as intended. From a perspective outside Timothy's story, Celestia's punishment understandably comes across as harsh, despite the fact that this story has the added weight of Twilight's ascension being a nearly direct result of her friendship reports, thus tainting her reign before it ever even began. I plan to add a scene where Celestia has to compose herself before allowing Twilight to enter her throne room. Not only has Twilight failed her as a student, but she feels she has failed Twilight as a teacher. She hates the fact that her pupil plagiarized almost as much as the fact that she is no longer able to co-reign with Twilight. Since Celestia coronated Twilight, it would come back on her in the public's eye if she acknowledged the plagiarism and did nothing about it.
As for Twilight, it looks like my best option right now would be to set this in an AU where her solution to Lesson Zero was to not "find a friendship problem, [but to] read about one." She then goes through a stack of books, finds one she likes, and looks up at the sun only to see three quarters of it is already below the horizon. Frantic, she scribbles the moral out word-for-word and passes it to Spike. Relieved and exhausted, she goes up to her bed and crashes. The once-a-week problem never gets solved, causing her to resort to this method several more times before it's all said and done.
Reactions to the butler were mostly negative, so you probably won't be seeing him in the revised edition.
As for the ending suggested by >>georg , I actually toyed with this idea in the early stages, but ultimately decided to forgo it. Besides, it's already been written now, so making that the offocial ending would be--well, you know.
Final Thoughts: I'm beginning to see a disturbing trend in my fanfics. I seem to be having trouble putting together coherent stories within the time limit. Is this something that comes with practice?
A big thanks to all of you who took the time to read my half-baked fanfic.
>>FanOfMostEverything >>Posh >>Bad Horse >>The_Letter_J >>Bugle >>Broman >>TheCyanRecluse >>the_Doc
Somebody up there (The_Letter_J, I think) called me a psychic because of the perceived prediction of current events. In actuality, I was ponifying the 2008 story of Timothy Goeglein, who had all the students in my college amphitorium on the edge of our seats with his riveting testimony. After rising to the rank of White House Office of Public Liaison, he was found guilty of 20 counts of plagiarism, called into the Oval Office, and fired, but forgiven, by the President. As a brony in the audience, I couldn't help but make parallels to a certain pair of alicorn Princesses.
That said, the story didn't deliver as intended. From a perspective outside Timothy's story, Celestia's punishment understandably comes across as harsh, despite the fact that this story has the added weight of Twilight's ascension being a nearly direct result of her friendship reports, thus tainting her reign before it ever even began. I plan to add a scene where Celestia has to compose herself before allowing Twilight to enter her throne room. Not only has Twilight failed her as a student, but she feels she has failed Twilight as a teacher. She hates the fact that her pupil plagiarized almost as much as the fact that she is no longer able to co-reign with Twilight. Since Celestia coronated Twilight, it would come back on her in the public's eye if she acknowledged the plagiarism and did nothing about it.
As for Twilight, it looks like my best option right now would be to set this in an AU where her solution to Lesson Zero was to not "find a friendship problem, [but to] read about one." She then goes through a stack of books, finds one she likes, and looks up at the sun only to see three quarters of it is already below the horizon. Frantic, she scribbles the moral out word-for-word and passes it to Spike. Relieved and exhausted, she goes up to her bed and crashes. The once-a-week problem never gets solved, causing her to resort to this method several more times before it's all said and done.
Reactions to the butler were mostly negative, so you probably won't be seeing him in the revised edition.
As for the ending suggested by >>georg , I actually toyed with this idea in the early stages, but ultimately decided to forgo it. Besides, it's already been written now, so making that the offocial ending would be--well, you know.
Final Thoughts: I'm beginning to see a disturbing trend in my fanfics. I seem to be having trouble putting together coherent stories within the time limit. Is this something that comes with practice?
Awww, didn't make Finals. I'm curious to see how much I missed by, but oh well. I still think I had a good run.
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)
So everyone more or less said the same thing here. Namely that the premise was good, but the execution needs fine tuning. And I can't say I disagree. Part of the problem here was I was very busy that weekend, and basically had to magically create time to write at all. And part of it was, well, I wasn't 100% sure what to do with it.
Thankfully, that's one of the reasons I WANTED to post this to the WO. Crowd sourcing ideas is great. And I have a better idea now.
I'm definitely going to try and fine tune this one for FimFic (after Gencon. Nationals are too important right now), and I hope the final product winds up being better.
For those curious, this story was inspired by Lullaby for a Princess. While watching it the most recent time, I went "yeah, this is definitely the single saddest moment in all of Equestrian history. And it can never happen again...
And then I realized it could. And my brain went to work. And while I'm not satisfied with the outcome, I am pleased with it. And I do think I can make it better with more time/effort. And it seems like everyone here thinks so too, so awesome.
Anyway, the most surprising thing for me was that no one commented along the lines of "Oh, another Nightmare Cadance story." I seriously expected that to be well, well explored terrioty. But no one even mentioned such, so maybe it's not all that explored at all? I really didn't expect to be treading newish ground here. It seems so obvious, once you think about it!
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. Shame I didn't make finals, but I do definitely understand the critisims. Hopefully the finished product will be something awesome, though :)
I have to say I don't understand the pretty universal comments on this one that there should have been some final resolution of Dash's relationship with her stepmother. While I think it does help to come to some sort of conclusion about it, I don't see why that means there has to be a resolution. Maybe they never progress past that point. It does smack of the reviewers trying to make the story go in a direction the author didn't want it to, and that's not really their prerogative to say so. That said, if they felt the story didn't have closure on anything, and this was what they were grasping at as the most likely candidate, then at least that's a possibility, but that's not how anyone phrased it. So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument, but I didn't see the final draft, so I don't know how it ultimately came across (and I didn't see the dream/flashback sequence people seemed to be complaining about, either). My major concerns were making sure the story did carry some sort of theme and the feeling that I didn't know enough about Crystal to make a judgment about her (I also felt more sympathetic toward her than Dash, but that's not necessarily a bad thing). But again, I don't get this mindset that the dispute between Crystal and Dash has to come to a resolution.
>>Oroboro
You're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I wasn't kidding when I praised this story for making me interested in source material that I'd otherwise have been turned off by. This didn't fall flat at all. It might not have gotten where you wanted it to go, but it's far from a failure.
I've learned a bit about your intentions with the story from reading your comments on it. From that, if I had to put this story's primary issue in a nutshell, it'd be this: You tried to have it both ways with Dash and her stepmother's conflict. You wanted Dash to come across as immature and stubborn, and apparently it was your intent for people to find her the less sympathetic of the two, but you also wanted Crystal to be - as you said - "a bitch". Besides losing her temper and yelling at Dash under very understandable circumstances, there's nothing that she does in the story to characterize her this way. I would understand if the intent was for Dash to just be immature and read negativity into every action Crystal takes, but apparently Crystal was also just supposed to be unlikable, and Rainbow Dash's immaturity and Crystal's bitchiness are mutually exclusive.
In short, if I didn't know from you telling me that Crystal is supposed to be "a bitch," and be "in the wrong," I would never have known at all just by reading the story. The only source we have on that in the story is an unreliable narrator with severe mommy issues.
I think it also raises the question of why Rainbow Dad, who is willing to divorce this woman to ensure his daughter's happiness, would even marry her in the first place if this personality conflict is so insurmountable. I know that this is a thing that single parents do from time to time, but his primary concern seems to be Rainbow Dash's happiness, so putting his own love for the woman above his daughter's emotional needs in the first place... That is at odds with his character.
And maybe you don't want to tell that story, and that is of course your right. But would you mind if I did? Reading and critiquing this story got me brainstorming about ways to continue it, and I have a partial idea for a follow-up.
>>Pascoite
Pascoite? More like Pasco-no-u-didn't.
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
You're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I wasn't kidding when I praised this story for making me interested in source material that I'd otherwise have been turned off by. This didn't fall flat at all. It might not have gotten where you wanted it to go, but it's far from a failure.
I've learned a bit about your intentions with the story from reading your comments on it. From that, if I had to put this story's primary issue in a nutshell, it'd be this: You tried to have it both ways with Dash and her stepmother's conflict. You wanted Dash to come across as immature and stubborn, and apparently it was your intent for people to find her the less sympathetic of the two, but you also wanted Crystal to be - as you said - "a bitch". Besides losing her temper and yelling at Dash under very understandable circumstances, there's nothing that she does in the story to characterize her this way. I would understand if the intent was for Dash to just be immature and read negativity into every action Crystal takes, but apparently Crystal was also just supposed to be unlikable, and Rainbow Dash's immaturity and Crystal's bitchiness are mutually exclusive.
In short, if I didn't know from you telling me that Crystal is supposed to be "a bitch," and be "in the wrong," I would never have known at all just by reading the story. The only source we have on that in the story is an unreliable narrator with severe mommy issues.
I think it also raises the question of why Rainbow Dad, who is willing to divorce this woman to ensure his daughter's happiness, would even marry her in the first place if this personality conflict is so insurmountable. I know that this is a thing that single parents do from time to time, but his primary concern seems to be Rainbow Dash's happiness, so putting his own love for the woman above his daughter's emotional needs in the first place... That is at odds with his character.
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
And maybe you don't want to tell that story, and that is of course your right. But would you mind if I did? Reading and critiquing this story got me brainstorming about ways to continue it, and I have a partial idea for a follow-up.
>>Pascoite
So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument,
Pascoite? More like Pasco-no-u-didn't.
On writing Shut Up:
This is the third write-off in which I've described a tragedy in a detached, indirect way, and the third time the resulting story has tanked in the scoring (also "The artificial donkey", "The gentle people"). Maybe I should learn my lesson.
Mmm... nah.
When people say they didn't "enjoy" it, as if that were necessarily a bad thing, I think that means we have different expectations about what stories do. When >>FanOfMostEverything said it was "like someone cornered me at a train station and started telling me this deeply personal story and I was too afraid to say anything or get up because I was worried about what would happen if I made any sudden movements," I thought, "Cool!"
I mean, that describes everything by Hunter Thompson, Ken Kesey, and Jack Kerouac, doesn't it?
I would've been discouraged, and wondered if I'd botched it, if >>wYvern hadn't read my intentions, and even the specific devices I used, spot-on. Thanks much, wYvern & horizon!
As to >>horizon's question, "Why Nod?": I wanted to show a cascade of effects, how not losing Blynken led to not losing Wynken, and that led to not losing Nod. The (imaginary) friendships supported each other. I couldn't get that with just 2 people.
As to why Nod's case isn't as strong: Each person in this story is mostly a composite of 2 people in real life. Earth Nod, unlike the others, was supposed to have the "sad ending" tag but had an ending mostly drawn from a person with a happier ending.
The sad-ending Nod #1 was an old man I met in a library who checked out 7 videotapes every day. When I asked him why, he said everyone he'd known was dead and he had nothing to do all day but watch videos. I thought about this and decided (since the library was less than a mile away from my university) to invite him to come to class with me and listen in. I went back to the library many times, but never saw him again.
Nod #2 was a man I met in a bookstore who had fought in Italy in World War 2. When I met him, I recalled Nod #1, and so this time I got his address and began an interesting correspondence with him which we continued until his death, and which was, at least he said, his only meaningful contact with any other person. (And which he often wrote on carefully-smoothed-out wrappers of straws from the cafeteria at his retirement home.)
So the emotion I felt about Nod as I wrote the story was my regret about real-life Nod #1 rather than emotion about what was in the story. I'm too close to the real story to judge the effect of the false story once the two deviate significantly. But, yes, Nod #1 was just a random guy, yet I can't forget him.
I don't know if I should publish this on fimfiction. It might turn more readers away permanently than it attracts.
This is the third write-off in which I've described a tragedy in a detached, indirect way, and the third time the resulting story has tanked in the scoring (also "The artificial donkey", "The gentle people"). Maybe I should learn my lesson.
Mmm... nah.
When people say they didn't "enjoy" it, as if that were necessarily a bad thing, I think that means we have different expectations about what stories do. When >>FanOfMostEverything said it was "like someone cornered me at a train station and started telling me this deeply personal story and I was too afraid to say anything or get up because I was worried about what would happen if I made any sudden movements," I thought, "Cool!"
I mean, that describes everything by Hunter Thompson, Ken Kesey, and Jack Kerouac, doesn't it?
I would've been discouraged, and wondered if I'd botched it, if >>wYvern hadn't read my intentions, and even the specific devices I used, spot-on. Thanks much, wYvern & horizon!
As to >>horizon's question, "Why Nod?": I wanted to show a cascade of effects, how not losing Blynken led to not losing Wynken, and that led to not losing Nod. The (imaginary) friendships supported each other. I couldn't get that with just 2 people.
As to why Nod's case isn't as strong: Each person in this story is mostly a composite of 2 people in real life. Earth Nod, unlike the others, was supposed to have the "sad ending" tag but had an ending mostly drawn from a person with a happier ending.
The sad-ending Nod #1 was an old man I met in a library who checked out 7 videotapes every day. When I asked him why, he said everyone he'd known was dead and he had nothing to do all day but watch videos. I thought about this and decided (since the library was less than a mile away from my university) to invite him to come to class with me and listen in. I went back to the library many times, but never saw him again.
Nod #2 was a man I met in a bookstore who had fought in Italy in World War 2. When I met him, I recalled Nod #1, and so this time I got his address and began an interesting correspondence with him which we continued until his death, and which was, at least he said, his only meaningful contact with any other person. (And which he often wrote on carefully-smoothed-out wrappers of straws from the cafeteria at his retirement home.)
So the emotion I felt about Nod as I wrote the story was my regret about real-life Nod #1 rather than emotion about what was in the story. I'm too close to the real story to judge the effect of the false story once the two deviate significantly. But, yes, Nod #1 was just a random guy, yet I can't forget him.
I don't know if I should publish this on fimfiction. It might turn more readers away permanently than it attracts.
Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. My reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.
Many here have said that they don't see a connection to the prompt, and to be frank, I can't without a bit of a stretch, either. That said, I don't think there should be repercussions for this. Maybe that discussion should be held someplace else.
I'm not sure I'd call this shipping, although one might argue that friendshipping is shipping, too. I don't really see something romantic developing here, but rather a friendship that goes beyond "high-school friends" emotional depth.
The characters are convincing: the little excursion into Ms Harshwinny's lifestyle was a nice touch, and, along with things merely hinted at but not explained (like the bad blood between her and the party hostess) contribute to making her feel real. Rarity was convincing, too, and her interpretation of the Look from RBdash was pure gold.
I'd like to echo >>Morning Sun here, saying that the beginning was too uneventful. I realize that has to do with trying to set the mood, which is rather uneventful and lonely, but I found myself zoning out a few times and having to go back a paragraph or two because I found myself reading without actually paying attention.
I found the first person perspective a good choice and well utilized, although I do find some of the italics confusing. Especially in the beginning:
In the first paragraph, it looks as though you use the italics to mark inner monologue, while in the second, the italics are to emphasize. While not all prose in first person stories is inner monologue, I think marking it with italics is not a good choice since you'd need to be consistent (which I don't think you are here), and this would mean a lot of italicized text.
Speaking of formatting stuff, I also found your use of brackets () rather odd. I personally expect to see these in science papers and internet chitchat, not in fiction. They break the flow in some cases, and I think rephrasing them to form actual sentences would be beneficial.
Here, I'd use dashes for the first one, and for the second one... why does this whole thing have to be one sentence?
Reads much nicer IMO.
Here, they're just completely obsolete. Move the dot to the back of hooves and get rid of them.
Concluding remarks:
A nice, easy to read and elusive story, although it took a bit of time to take off.
Many here have said that they don't see a connection to the prompt, and to be frank, I can't without a bit of a stretch, either. That said, I don't think there should be repercussions for this. Maybe that discussion should be held someplace else.
I'm not sure I'd call this shipping, although one might argue that friendshipping is shipping, too. I don't really see something romantic developing here, but rather a friendship that goes beyond "high-school friends" emotional depth.
The characters are convincing: the little excursion into Ms Harshwinny's lifestyle was a nice touch, and, along with things merely hinted at but not explained (like the bad blood between her and the party hostess) contribute to making her feel real. Rarity was convincing, too, and her interpretation of the Look from RBdash was pure gold.
I'd like to echo >>Morning Sun here, saying that the beginning was too uneventful. I realize that has to do with trying to set the mood, which is rather uneventful and lonely, but I found myself zoning out a few times and having to go back a paragraph or two because I found myself reading without actually paying attention.
I found the first person perspective a good choice and well utilized, although I do find some of the italics confusing. Especially in the beginning:
No, I tell myself, as I wrap a suitably chic shawl around my mane and slide into my tailored wool coat. Sassy and my customers have places to be, on this rainy holiday evening.
Ah, there's the soft nudge of nostalgia, pushing a small smile to my lips. I am rather fond of Hearts and Hooves Day. Truly, I am.
In the first paragraph, it looks as though you use the italics to mark inner monologue, while in the second, the italics are to emphasize. While not all prose in first person stories is inner monologue, I think marking it with italics is not a good choice since you'd need to be consistent (which I don't think you are here), and this would mean a lot of italicized text.
Speaking of formatting stuff, I also found your use of brackets () rather odd. I personally expect to see these in science papers and internet chitchat, not in fiction. They break the flow in some cases, and I think rephrasing them to form actual sentences would be beneficial.
Ms. Harshwhinny requests a coffee (breakfast blend, medium roast) with a cranberry walnut biscotti (she merely chuckles when I raise a brow at the time) and at her recommendation, I order a raspberry hot chocolate.
Here, I'd use dashes for the first one, and for the second one... why does this whole thing have to be one sentence?
Ms. Harshwhinny requests a coffee -- breakfast blend, medium roast -- with a cranberry walnut biscotti. She merely chuckles when I raise a brow at the time. At her recommendation, I order a raspberry hot chocolate.
Reads much nicer IMO.
"How is it?" she asks, sipping at the coffee in her hooves (How is she drinking that this late?).
Here, they're just completely obsolete. Move the dot to the back of hooves and get rid of them.
Concluding remarks:
A nice, easy to read and elusive story, although it took a bit of time to take off.
>>Monokeras
I can empathize with that. I often find in those cases that my initial conflict, the point that should kickstart a plot, is too weak. I'm usually too caught up in my own thinking to start completely new, which leads to me re-iterating around that idea, getting nowhere for several hours until I'm completely blitzed and throw in the towel. Sometimes makes me think I'm not creative enough for this. :/
I can empathize with that. I often find in those cases that my initial conflict, the point that should kickstart a plot, is too weak. I'm usually too caught up in my own thinking to start completely new, which leads to me re-iterating around that idea, getting nowhere for several hours until I'm completely blitzed and throw in the towel. Sometimes makes me think I'm not creative enough for this. :/
>>Pascoite
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest." But we're not reviewers. We're writers helping other writers. We've been calling these "reviews", but they're really critiques. The default here should be to say what you would say to someone if you were critiquing their story in a writing group, or if you were editing their story, not if you were writing a book review. If a story editor or someone in my writing group had an idea for a different direction or a different ending for my story, I'd expect them to tell me.
(I know that a lot of writers prefer only to be told what isn't working and not how to fix it. IMHO, that's because they're wusses.)
Maybe they never progress past that point. It does smack of the reviewers trying to make the story go in a direction the author didn't want it to, and that's not really their prerogative to say so.... So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument,
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest." But we're not reviewers. We're writers helping other writers. We've been calling these "reviews", but they're really critiques. The default here should be to say what you would say to someone if you were critiquing their story in a writing group, or if you were editing their story, not if you were writing a book review. If a story editor or someone in my writing group had an idea for a different direction or a different ending for my story, I'd expect them to tell me.
(I know that a lot of writers prefer only to be told what isn't working and not how to fix it. IMHO, that's because they're wusses.)
>>Bad Horse
Huck Finn already has a love interest. His name is Tom Sawyer.
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest."
Huck Finn already has a love interest. His name is Tom Sawyer.
I read this story in the prelim round but didn't comment on it. I thought I had nothing new to add, since everyone else already brought up what I was going to say.
but it wasn't about the conclusion, because I didn't find it odd at all. It's a teenage angst story, they're supposed to end like that! most of the problems and drama don't get resolved, but the main character is able to grow up a little. of course she's not gonna patch things up with her stepmom right away, that's for sitcom families.
though I do think the final scene should be more vivid to bring out the catharsis. "after a long night of just enjoying her freedom," "listening to the sounds of her new house" ... it needs more, it just doesn't feel empty yet. instead of action (or lack of action) we get a lot of Dash's inner thoughts.
what I did agree with everyone else, is that Dash is being too bratty. I'm not saying to make her a goody good girl scout, but in a teenage story like this, I think she needs a few moments of positivity. a chance to show off her awesomeness, so we'll still sympathize with her even while we think she's being immature.
but it wasn't about the conclusion, because I didn't find it odd at all. It's a teenage angst story, they're supposed to end like that! most of the problems and drama don't get resolved, but the main character is able to grow up a little. of course she's not gonna patch things up with her stepmom right away, that's for sitcom families.
though I do think the final scene should be more vivid to bring out the catharsis. "after a long night of just enjoying her freedom," "listening to the sounds of her new house" ... it needs more, it just doesn't feel empty yet. instead of action (or lack of action) we get a lot of Dash's inner thoughts.
what I did agree with everyone else, is that Dash is being too bratty. I'm not saying to make her a goody good girl scout, but in a teenage story like this, I think she needs a few moments of positivity. a chance to show off her awesomeness, so we'll still sympathize with her even while we think she's being immature.
>>007Ben
Absolutely, though it doesn't all need to be practice. There's a lot of little things you can do to make things easier for you. Here's a few I use.
1) Preplanning - You might not get the prompt before the start of play, but they can be extremely broad and fit a wide variety of stories. Having a few broadly sketched out and picking an appropriate on the weekend is a good strategy to shave a few hours out of prep time.
2) Actual planning - The level of detail people go into with plans varies a lot, I rarely do more than sketch but at least hit all the major scenes and characters. It all pays for itself, regardless. You lose less time to thinking mid story and it cuts down on the editing load as everything that should be in the story is there on the first pass.
3) KISS - 2-8k sounds like a lot, but its about half a dozen 'scenes' at best before things become hopelessly rushed. That means events can't be too complex or you'll never be able to explain them in detail, nor can you have too many characters or they'll blur into one. Just remember, less is more and ending early because you finished your plot is almost always a bonus.
4) Manage your Ambition - The Write-off is a great place to float new ideas and try out new things, but these can be a double edged sword. A complex idea that falls apart mid-way through is one that will score very badly, while something less ambitious but well executed will be far more consistent.
I'm beginning to see a disturbing trend in my fanfics. I seem to be having trouble putting together coherent stories within the time limit. Is this something that comes with practice?
Absolutely, though it doesn't all need to be practice. There's a lot of little things you can do to make things easier for you. Here's a few I use.
1) Preplanning - You might not get the prompt before the start of play, but they can be extremely broad and fit a wide variety of stories. Having a few broadly sketched out and picking an appropriate on the weekend is a good strategy to shave a few hours out of prep time.
2) Actual planning - The level of detail people go into with plans varies a lot, I rarely do more than sketch but at least hit all the major scenes and characters. It all pays for itself, regardless. You lose less time to thinking mid story and it cuts down on the editing load as everything that should be in the story is there on the first pass.
3) KISS - 2-8k sounds like a lot, but its about half a dozen 'scenes' at best before things become hopelessly rushed. That means events can't be too complex or you'll never be able to explain them in detail, nor can you have too many characters or they'll blur into one. Just remember, less is more and ending early because you finished your plot is almost always a bonus.
4) Manage your Ambition - The Write-off is a great place to float new ideas and try out new things, but these can be a double edged sword. A complex idea that falls apart mid-way through is one that will score very badly, while something less ambitious but well executed will be far more consistent.
>>Haze
I don't think she does, though. The way it came across to me is that a brat throws a tantrum and gets what she wants, without any concern for how much it costs her dad. I found it disturbing. The resolution I got was "Of course she's such a brat, if she has a dad who rolls over for her like that."
The bit with the corn start was very creative, BTW.
the main character is able to grow up a little
I don't think she does, though. The way it came across to me is that a brat throws a tantrum and gets what she wants, without any concern for how much it costs her dad. I found it disturbing. The resolution I got was "Of course she's such a brat, if she has a dad who rolls over for her like that."
The bit with the corn start was very creative, BTW.
>>007Ben
To some people, yes. To others, no. I wouldn't worry about it. The time limit is IMHO much too short. That's why I don't usually participate anymore. In, say, the 1930s, a novel would be 80,000 words and take a good writer 2 years (100 weeks) to write. 8000 words would have taken them 10 weeks to write. Nano-wrimo's goal is 50,000 words in 1 month, and a lot of writers I know consider that insane.
Final Thoughts: I'm beginning to see a disturbing trend in my fanfics. I seem to be having trouble putting together coherent stories within the time limit. Is this something that comes with practice?
To some people, yes. To others, no. I wouldn't worry about it. The time limit is IMHO much too short. That's why I don't usually participate anymore. In, say, the 1930s, a novel would be 80,000 words and take a good writer 2 years (100 weeks) to write. 8000 words would have taken them 10 weeks to write. Nano-wrimo's goal is 50,000 words in 1 month, and a lot of writers I know consider that insane.
>>Bad Horse
this is valid.
truthfully, I was close to saying that too, but gave the author the benefit of the doubt. yet that's not a good sign...
I think that the concept was fine, just the execution caused a lot of misreading of the story's intentions. the last scene was too "telly" and rushes through an important day. it feels like the epilogue instead of the epiphany. and if it's the epilogue, then Dash's dad providing her with an escape must surely be the climax. hrmm, this is a problem.
this is valid.
truthfully, I was close to saying that too, but gave the author the benefit of the doubt. yet that's not a good sign...
I think that the concept was fine, just the execution caused a lot of misreading of the story's intentions. the last scene was too "telly" and rushes through an important day. it feels like the epilogue instead of the epiphany. and if it's the epilogue, then Dash's dad providing her with an escape must surely be the climax. hrmm, this is a problem.
>>The_Letter_J
Re mashups spanning multiple rounds: I can't imagine why they couldn't. Though I would extend a word of caution if you want to try it — since a lot of the fun of mashups is seeing people reinterpret stories you've read, and not every participant is here every round, so the chance of someone recognizing both source stories starts dropping significantly as you dig into the past.
Re mashups spanning multiple rounds: I can't imagine why they couldn't. Though I would extend a word of caution if you want to try it — since a lot of the fun of mashups is seeing people reinterpret stories you've read, and not every participant is here every round, so the chance of someone recognizing both source stories starts dropping significantly as you dig into the past.
I loved Rarity's voice from the start and didn't experience any lag in getting into the story. I have no issues with this 'fitting the prompt': in my opinion, it does, and to me is all the more welcome for focusing on a more intimate interpretation of the prompt.
My only quibble is the ending. I feel like I read this quite carefully, but how does Ms Harshwinny know where Rarity lives? Or is the implication that Rarity will invite her over at some point? I am just a tad confused.
In fact, I think the final segment is unnecessary and the story could end on, "See you at Canterlot Fashion Week, Miss Rarity" without losing anything at all.
Something of a minor quibble, though. I thought this was great.
My only quibble is the ending. I feel like I read this quite carefully, but how does Ms Harshwinny know where Rarity lives? Or is the implication that Rarity will invite her over at some point? I am just a tad confused.
In fact, I think the final segment is unnecessary and the story could end on, "See you at Canterlot Fashion Week, Miss Rarity" without losing anything at all.
Something of a minor quibble, though. I thought this was great.
I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meters of Rainbow Dash and Crystal. Just a few points in Crystal's favor on the Relative Bitch Scale transforms the dynamic from "incompatible living situation" to "emotional abuse" which then reflects poorly on the dad for allowing it to happen for so long.
I have a few changes in mind to rebalance this somewhat, but it's very delicate.
I have a few changes in mind to rebalance this somewhat, but it's very delicate.
>>Morning Sun
I figured that much. It's just that the description of the bizarre, ropey trees made it feel like there was more going on beyond standard Everfree behavior, even when taking the plundervines and related organisms into account. I may have just been overthinking it, though.
I figured that much. It's just that the description of the bizarre, ropey trees made it feel like there was more going on beyond standard Everfree behavior, even when taking the plundervines and related organisms into account. I may have just been overthinking it, though.
>>Bad Horse
Mea culpa. "Predatory lending," then.
Little personal mini-rant.
Capitalism, by which I mean running an economic system by the abstract system of laissez-faire supply-and-demand, is to economics what anarchy is to politics or evolution is to biology: It is a giant meat grinder rendering its inputs into a small band of winners and a lot of blood and tears and losers. It is inherently contradictory to civilization, by which I mean the human ideal of removing human society from the law of the jungle and allowing all humans (instead of merely the "fittest") to live lives of dignity and joy.
And yet there's no possible way we'd be here without it, just as we wouldn't even be multicellular organisms without the trial and error and pain and predation of evolution. The benefit of laissez-faire systems is that they are optimized to evolve their component parts into things which are fitter and more advanced. There are very few — perhaps no — areas in which intelligent design produces a more optimal end result than evolution. Even computer science and AI research have come around to this, and genetic algorithms have become a lot more than just a curiosity.
And yet^2, capitalism (modified with safeguards, such as monopoly-busting and anti-predatory-lending laws) is empirically the economic system that, so far, produces the highest overall standard of living the world has seen. As a close-to-home example, you're reading this message because it was the forces of capitalism which transformed the Internet from a military and academic curiosity into the near-global interconnection that binds us all together today.
I have such a love-hate relationship with capitalism.
I believe the goal of the collective biological organism "humanity" is, or should be, to evolve beyond the need for evolution: to have more control over our own destinies, and become more adaptable, than we would if we let nature take its course. Likewise, I believe the goal of human economics should be to evolve beyond the need for capitalism. I have no idea if we'll even figure out the principles to do so within my lifetime, but imnsho it can't come soon enough.
Mea culpa. "Predatory lending," then.
Little personal mini-rant.
Capitalism, by which I mean running an economic system by the abstract system of laissez-faire supply-and-demand, is to economics what anarchy is to politics or evolution is to biology: It is a giant meat grinder rendering its inputs into a small band of winners and a lot of blood and tears and losers. It is inherently contradictory to civilization, by which I mean the human ideal of removing human society from the law of the jungle and allowing all humans (instead of merely the "fittest") to live lives of dignity and joy.
And yet there's no possible way we'd be here without it, just as we wouldn't even be multicellular organisms without the trial and error and pain and predation of evolution. The benefit of laissez-faire systems is that they are optimized to evolve their component parts into things which are fitter and more advanced. There are very few — perhaps no — areas in which intelligent design produces a more optimal end result than evolution. Even computer science and AI research have come around to this, and genetic algorithms have become a lot more than just a curiosity.
And yet^2, capitalism (modified with safeguards, such as monopoly-busting and anti-predatory-lending laws) is empirically the economic system that, so far, produces the highest overall standard of living the world has seen. As a close-to-home example, you're reading this message because it was the forces of capitalism which transformed the Internet from a military and academic curiosity into the near-global interconnection that binds us all together today.
I have such a love-hate relationship with capitalism.
I believe the goal of the collective biological organism "humanity" is, or should be, to evolve beyond the need for evolution: to have more control over our own destinies, and become more adaptable, than we would if we let nature take its course. Likewise, I believe the goal of human economics should be to evolve beyond the need for capitalism. I have no idea if we'll even figure out the principles to do so within my lifetime, but imnsho it can't come soon enough.
Can I just point out that I'm deeply surprised Shut Up didn't crack the top fifteen? I know it wasn't my cup of tea, but it certainly had a lot of merit, and from the discourse surrounding it, I thought it would have done much better than it did.
So, Mr. Unpleasant Horse-Man, on behalf of all decent people everywhere, I am very sorry. Please don't get discouraged; I'd be happy to plug your story on FIMfic if you ever decide to post it there.
>>Oroboro
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
In which case, what was the point of this entire enterprise?
So, Mr. Unpleasant Horse-Man, on behalf of all decent people everywhere, I am very sorry. Please don't get discouraged; I'd be happy to plug your story on FIMfic if you ever decide to post it there.
>>Oroboro
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
In which case, what was the point of this entire enterprise?
>>Posh
I said that I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meter, not that I wasn't going to do it at all. I know what changes I need to make and I plan to make them. I just need to be careful about it because it's very easy to go too far in the other direction, which would muddle the point I'm trying to get across.
I screwed up the balance, I get that. That means I'm going to try harder, not give it up entirely.
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
I said that I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meter, not that I wasn't going to do it at all. I know what changes I need to make and I plan to make them. I just need to be careful about it because it's very easy to go too far in the other direction, which would muddle the point I'm trying to get across.
I screwed up the balance, I get that. That means I'm going to try harder, not give it up entirely.
This is so enjoyable.
I couldn't think of a single thing that distracted me away from reading more of the story. Well, maybe just one: Spoiled Rich is a little too easy a target to despise. I started to wonder if she could be taken out of the story. Of course, turns out she's necessary. So, she can stay, and I've got nuthin.
I think this works because it's such a well-balanced blend of predictable and unpredictable, with each of the characters that show up. It pays off all the FEELS we're expecting, while still having a trail of pleasant mysteries along the way. A mix of nostalgia and suspense, matching what Cherilee herself must be experiencing.
WELL WRITTEN
I couldn't think of a single thing that distracted me away from reading more of the story. Well, maybe just one: Spoiled Rich is a little too easy a target to despise. I started to wonder if she could be taken out of the story. Of course, turns out she's necessary. So, she can stay, and I've got nuthin.
I think this works because it's such a well-balanced blend of predictable and unpredictable, with each of the characters that show up. It pays off all the FEELS we're expecting, while still having a trail of pleasant mysteries along the way. A mix of nostalgia and suspense, matching what Cherilee herself must be experiencing.
WELL WRITTEN
A very good read; a bit of a challenge to follow on the first pass, but the subtleties of what you're trying to accomplish, and the techniques you use, make themselves visible on subsequent readthroughs (for instance, the tense shifts; actions being taken by the One are written about in present, while Chryssi's are in past).
There are a few things that I don't get (I didn't, for instance, get why the One is two seconds behind Chryssi), or that don't sit right with me (like, who honestly cares about Flash, but the revelation that Trouble Shoes and Derpy are both changelings hurts and doesn't make a whole lot of sense in canon). But overall, this is a well executed piece that took a chance on an unusual premise.
...But I don't quite see what it has to do with the prompt, I'm sorry.
There are a few things that I don't get (I didn't, for instance, get why the One is two seconds behind Chryssi), or that don't sit right with me (like, who honestly cares about Flash, but the revelation that Trouble Shoes and Derpy are both changelings hurts and doesn't make a whole lot of sense in canon). But overall, this is a well executed piece that took a chance on an unusual premise.
...But I don't quite see what it has to do with the prompt, I'm sorry.
Okay... typos. A lot of typos. Many are common enough I can read past them quickly, (the classic "there" instead of "their") but some were odd enough I wasn't sure if the author was inventing a new word. Twilight, at one point, "kiddled her horn" and it took me a bit of thinking before I realized the right word was "kindled." So yes, enough to be distracting and an issue.
However, I am genuinely surprised by how well written it is otherwise. Normally, with this many basic grammatical mistakes, other larger issues of form and style usually crop up. Not so much so here. It was quite well crafted on a technical level once you get past the things a spellcheck can fix.
The larger issues I did encounter were in roughly four parts:
1. Why? Why is Twilight ruling cloudsdale? Why is it only Dash and Pinkie that go with her? Why does no one else explain who the "Stratospheric Council" are before hand?
2. It's too long. The flight up to the temple takes far too long for the little amount of new information it gives the reader. Sky Blade basically says "I'm not telling you anything" and then the standard racist diatribe, "We are the best!" The whole segment could've been shortened by half and not lost anything.
3. It's very anvilicious. While this story does a great job painting in pony terminology, the underlying story here just screams "war in the middle east" and the other associated baggage that goes along with this. It's bad enough at the start, but when Twilight talks to Celestia towards the end, it's even more hammer-heavy. Twilight literally suggested education as a fix. Something many of us "literati" think would fix the middle east. Celestia takes the reasonable-but-boring line the West seems to always take. "Oh, we can't fix it, because it's too much hate, so we have to have patience."
4. Pinkie is Pinkie. This is actually almost a positive and a negative really. When Sky Blade reacts positively to the cupcake, we all knew Pinkie made a new friend. At the end, when he "checks" on her, that's really the main redeeming part of this story. Ponies can change, and Pinkie's friendship offering helped to do that. This is... well, it's actually good overall. The problem is that, woven into the story the way it is at the end, it comes across more as an excuse rather than a raison d'etre.
So to summarize, I think this could be about 50% shorter, and focus more directly on tying the intro (an angry and uppity pegasus appears) and the end (Pinkie knows even the most angry ofpokemon pegasi love cupcakes.) Those are the emotional keys to the story, and the backstory/history, while interesting on a technical level, is mostly a distraction from the personal level.
Overall, I'd say this isn't my favorite of the contest, but it's still strong, especially for its intent. And premise. The underlying premise, I almost forgot to mention, of ancient hidden pegasi in the upper atmosphere... that's brilliant!
However, I am genuinely surprised by how well written it is otherwise. Normally, with this many basic grammatical mistakes, other larger issues of form and style usually crop up. Not so much so here. It was quite well crafted on a technical level once you get past the things a spellcheck can fix.
The larger issues I did encounter were in roughly four parts:
1. Why? Why is Twilight ruling cloudsdale? Why is it only Dash and Pinkie that go with her? Why does no one else explain who the "Stratospheric Council" are before hand?
2. It's too long. The flight up to the temple takes far too long for the little amount of new information it gives the reader. Sky Blade basically says "I'm not telling you anything" and then the standard racist diatribe, "We are the best!" The whole segment could've been shortened by half and not lost anything.
3. It's very anvilicious. While this story does a great job painting in pony terminology, the underlying story here just screams "war in the middle east" and the other associated baggage that goes along with this. It's bad enough at the start, but when Twilight talks to Celestia towards the end, it's even more hammer-heavy. Twilight literally suggested education as a fix. Something many of us "literati" think would fix the middle east. Celestia takes the reasonable-but-boring line the West seems to always take. "Oh, we can't fix it, because it's too much hate, so we have to have patience."
4. Pinkie is Pinkie. This is actually almost a positive and a negative really. When Sky Blade reacts positively to the cupcake, we all knew Pinkie made a new friend. At the end, when he "checks" on her, that's really the main redeeming part of this story. Ponies can change, and Pinkie's friendship offering helped to do that. This is... well, it's actually good overall. The problem is that, woven into the story the way it is at the end, it comes across more as an excuse rather than a raison d'etre.
So to summarize, I think this could be about 50% shorter, and focus more directly on tying the intro (an angry and uppity pegasus appears) and the end (Pinkie knows even the most angry of
Overall, I'd say this isn't my favorite of the contest, but it's still strong, especially for its intent. And premise. The underlying premise, I almost forgot to mention, of ancient hidden pegasi in the upper atmosphere... that's brilliant!
Beautiful and perfect! I don't say that lightly either. I had tears throughout the reading. This story goes for the feels with no apologies, and no surprise or twist of any kind, but it absolutely works. Slice of life in its purest form I think.
What I love here is the realism. This doesn't have to be a pony story: There's no magic, no fantasy, nothing even particularly equine about it. Yet, yet it's also so amazingly pony it's blinding. It really does this amazing job capturing the unique place teachers—and especially elementary school teachers—take in their students lives... at least the good teachers.
As a kid, back years ago in the before-time (third grade) I had a teacher, Mrs. Wachly. At the end of the year, we were all leaving, moving up to the next grade. She gave us all some small little trinkets as a sort of "graduation" present. Unfortunately, as I was the new kid in class, having just moved to town and skipped a grade, I was the target for all the bullies. One of them stole my stuff at the end of the day. I cried over it and got really upset, as I thought Mrs. Wachly was the best teacher I'd ever had. She heard about this through the grapevine somehow, and a week later, I got this small gift basket from her. It wasn't much, just more trinkets, some candy, etc. But it was just for me, not just a grab-bag like before. She'd written a note to me as well. What I most remember though was there was this cheap plastic heart keychain in the center of it, and I held onto that for years and years.
It seems so silly in hindsight, of course. She didn't even leave town (and it was only a town of 500 people), but it meant so much to me at the time. As such, I can absolutely feel for Diamond Tiara in this story, on so many levels. In the years since, I've done a fair bit of teaching myself. Never as a professional, but mentoring kids for things like solar car races or robotics, or teaching classes on electronics at the local library over the weekends. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a the light in a kid's eyes when they finally "get it" and understands some new, amazing thing about the world. For years, I seriously considered going back to school myself, to get a degree and start teaching instead of doing IT.
Anyway, point is, I absolutely love this story from both angles, and am simply amazed at how well the author captured it all in prose. It's a bit messy, as life is, and characters could've/should've done things differently in hindsight, but they didn't, and that imperfection is what makes it perfect for me. This is a slice of life... very, very real life. Thank you for sharing!
Oh right, and you also accidentally capitalized the second letter in a word somewhere. So it's NOT perfect! (See, I'm not a total pushover!) :-)
What I love here is the realism. This doesn't have to be a pony story: There's no magic, no fantasy, nothing even particularly equine about it. Yet, yet it's also so amazingly pony it's blinding. It really does this amazing job capturing the unique place teachers—and especially elementary school teachers—take in their students lives... at least the good teachers.
As a kid, back years ago in the before-time (third grade) I had a teacher, Mrs. Wachly. At the end of the year, we were all leaving, moving up to the next grade. She gave us all some small little trinkets as a sort of "graduation" present. Unfortunately, as I was the new kid in class, having just moved to town and skipped a grade, I was the target for all the bullies. One of them stole my stuff at the end of the day. I cried over it and got really upset, as I thought Mrs. Wachly was the best teacher I'd ever had. She heard about this through the grapevine somehow, and a week later, I got this small gift basket from her. It wasn't much, just more trinkets, some candy, etc. But it was just for me, not just a grab-bag like before. She'd written a note to me as well. What I most remember though was there was this cheap plastic heart keychain in the center of it, and I held onto that for years and years.
It seems so silly in hindsight, of course. She didn't even leave town (and it was only a town of 500 people), but it meant so much to me at the time. As such, I can absolutely feel for Diamond Tiara in this story, on so many levels. In the years since, I've done a fair bit of teaching myself. Never as a professional, but mentoring kids for things like solar car races or robotics, or teaching classes on electronics at the local library over the weekends. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a the light in a kid's eyes when they finally "get it" and understands some new, amazing thing about the world. For years, I seriously considered going back to school myself, to get a degree and start teaching instead of doing IT.
Anyway, point is, I absolutely love this story from both angles, and am simply amazed at how well the author captured it all in prose. It's a bit messy, as life is, and characters could've/should've done things differently in hindsight, but they didn't, and that imperfection is what makes it perfect for me. This is a slice of life... very, very real life. Thank you for sharing!
Oh right, and you also accidentally capitalized the second letter in a word somewhere. So it's NOT perfect! (See, I'm not a total pushover!) :-)
This was quite touching, and really flowed well. Unfortunately, it's retreading tired ground. There are so, so many stories that basically reflect on the mane 6 after they're dead. This one, while certainly as good as any of the others, doesn't bring much new to the table. The exception, of course, is the title. Nice job tying in a few of those things... Pinkie, with salt "A rock you can eat!" is quite clever. The others are a bit less so though. The "reverse dryad" is clever as well, but doesn't actually lead to anything.
Overall, this is still a strong contender for me, but doesn't make the very top simply because it is a bit of a rehash. Had it shown something new, or pulled some fun twist out of the dryad thing, it'd be a lot stronger.
Overall, this is still a strong contender for me, but doesn't make the very top simply because it is a bit of a rehash. Had it shown something new, or pulled some fun twist out of the dryad thing, it'd be a lot stronger.
Echoing the others before me: Rarity's voice here is very well done, though the italics feel over-used to me. The overall story has a nice arc to it, but it definitely goes a bit slowly. The plot summary is basically three problems and three solutions.
1. Rarity has problems creating a dress
2. Rarity doesn't want to be alone
2a. Rarity solves problem by chasing random stranger (This is weird, but as the basic premise, it can slide.)
3. Rarity becomes an "accessory" for the stranger to show off at a party.
3a. Rarity is quickly okay with this.
1a. Stranger shows Rarity a picture of an old dress to solve her problems with the dress design.
Far too many irrelevant details (Rainbow has a date, Jet Set sleeps around, young mares should drink raspberry chocolate, etc.) are presented which don't apply to the main plot, or serve to enhance the characterizations. The one exception to this is Harshwinny's choice of coffee and biscotti. The reasons given for that do show us something about her character.
Overall, a very creditable attempt at a very unlikely pairing/ship. Had the theme been "Impossible Pairs" or something, I'd give you great marks. As it was "End of an Era" though... I feel this really has to stretch to meet that definition, so it's not going very high up my slate.
1. Rarity has problems creating a dress
2. Rarity doesn't want to be alone
2a. Rarity solves problem by chasing random stranger (This is weird, but as the basic premise, it can slide.)
3. Rarity becomes an "accessory" for the stranger to show off at a party.
3a. Rarity is quickly okay with this.
1a. Stranger shows Rarity a picture of an old dress to solve her problems with the dress design.
Far too many irrelevant details (Rainbow has a date, Jet Set sleeps around, young mares should drink raspberry chocolate, etc.) are presented which don't apply to the main plot, or serve to enhance the characterizations. The one exception to this is Harshwinny's choice of coffee and biscotti. The reasons given for that do show us something about her character.
Overall, a very creditable attempt at a very unlikely pairing/ship. Had the theme been "Impossible Pairs" or something, I'd give you great marks. As it was "End of an Era" though... I feel this really has to stretch to meet that definition, so it's not going very high up my slate.
Fun idea, but haphazard in execution. A lot of things are thrown in here, and the story doesn't really commit to any of them. The "secret agent" thing is a great explanation for why Link (and other cross-over characters) are in Ponyville under thin disguises, but that's quickly dropped and isn't the focus. Next, he has a wife worried about him... but that's quickly overlooked, because it's his son(?) Button that matters. At this point, we're really stretching the video game references.
It took me a minute to realize why the CMC were involved, so that needs work for sure. The montage of pony-Link doing game-Link things (chickens, really?) completely contradicts the serious "for the wife and kid" tone that'd we'd only just started to settle into. The final resolution is... well, it makes perfect sense, but in a boring way that is neither funny, nor prosaic to some deeper meaning of life. It actually would've been better if he'd taken to pottery, with some joke about learning he could interact with it using hands, instead of just swords and boomerangs.
Overall, a lot of great little gems (pun intended) throughout, but the overall story is too scattered to really sell me.
It took me a minute to realize why the CMC were involved, so that needs work for sure. The montage of pony-Link doing game-Link things (chickens, really?) completely contradicts the serious "for the wife and kid" tone that'd we'd only just started to settle into. The final resolution is... well, it makes perfect sense, but in a boring way that is neither funny, nor prosaic to some deeper meaning of life. It actually would've been better if he'd taken to pottery, with some joke about learning he could interact with it using hands, instead of just swords and boomerangs.
Overall, a lot of great little gems (pun intended) throughout, but the overall story is too scattered to really sell me.
"Peridot": Yeah, was confused for a second that this was a Steven Universe crossover (which I'd be all in favor of.) As that's not exactly a common name (or even word) I'd be really surprised if the author did NOT get this from SU. That's a minor quibble though.
Second up is the idea that Peridot is too progressive for her time. Okay, yeah, she kind of is. In my reading though, I filled in a lot of backstory in my head, meaning it took her a lot of time and struggle to start treating earth ponies with respect, etc. We just happen to jump in far later. The downside is that means her character growth there (limited as it is in the span of the story) isn't really the story.
So, lastly, what is the story? It's a great scene, and the dragon fight has fantastic action and emotion in it, as does the march before it, but the ending doesn't really conclude anything. We really have two scenes... the long march, and the big fight, and then it just ends, more than finishes.
All that said, I really did enjoy this one. It's well written, and kept me hooked the whole time. Definitely a strong contender, but I feel a couple of others edge it out in terms of execution.
Second up is the idea that Peridot is too progressive for her time. Okay, yeah, she kind of is. In my reading though, I filled in a lot of backstory in my head, meaning it took her a lot of time and struggle to start treating earth ponies with respect, etc. We just happen to jump in far later. The downside is that means her character growth there (limited as it is in the span of the story) isn't really the story.
So, lastly, what is the story? It's a great scene, and the dragon fight has fantastic action and emotion in it, as does the march before it, but the ending doesn't really conclude anything. We really have two scenes... the long march, and the big fight, and then it just ends, more than finishes.
All that said, I really did enjoy this one. It's well written, and kept me hooked the whole time. Definitely a strong contender, but I feel a couple of others edge it out in terms of execution.
Well, at least the title let me know what I was in for before the fad/comedy thing started. Sadly, like a lot of fics based around recent real-world fads, the premise is shaky at best. Luna decides to leave for reason XXXX, and XXXX just happens to be Pokemon go this time. But it could just as easily be she was leaving to: learn Tibetian yoga, go to comic-con, follow the Grateful Dead on tour, compete on Iron Chef, solve the mystery of the Mary Celeste, etc. Basically, insert-author's-hobby-here, and it's the same story.
The rest is a montage comedy of interviews. A few funny moments there—the callback to "come get ______ out of my office" with Gummy and then Maud was especially amusing. I also got a small laugh out of the talking dog bit. The rest of the comedy fell very flat to me, mostly because it was so predictable. The ending unfortunately suffers the same problem. Luna returns for YYYY reason, and YYYY is the only reference/joke really related to the title and initial premise of Pokemon.
I give points for effort here, but as a comedy only piece, with no plot or character arcs to speak of, the comedy really needed to be a lot stronger to carry the whole thing.
The rest is a montage comedy of interviews. A few funny moments there—the callback to "come get ______ out of my office" with Gummy and then Maud was especially amusing. I also got a small laugh out of the talking dog bit. The rest of the comedy fell very flat to me, mostly because it was so predictable. The ending unfortunately suffers the same problem. Luna returns for YYYY reason, and YYYY is the only reference/joke really related to the title and initial premise of Pokemon.
I give points for effort here, but as a comedy only piece, with no plot or character arcs to speak of, the comedy really needed to be a lot stronger to carry the whole thing.
Okay, crackfic is crackfic, and that's just generally not my thing, so take this with a grain of salt. The humor, overall, is very hit and miss. The odd narrative phrasings are horribly annoying at parts (especially near the start) and actually quite clever/funny in others ("earwitnesses.")
I have to give credit to the attempt though. Using a yo mamma joke as an excuse to reveal a heliocentric solar system is a very, very lofty goal. You certainly aimed for the stars, and that you got even halfway is still an accomplishment. That said, this whole thing is basically a shaggy dog story, with everything lining up for that single swing at the end. So, to that end, it really could use some tightening up throughout. As this comes in at exactly the 2,000 word minimum for the contest, I'm fairly certain it was stretched. That hurt it. This should be maybe half the length it is, and if you take out the cruft, and polish a few of the narrative jokes along the way, then it could really be a great comedy. As is, I'm afraid it's in the finals against some serious literary work, and I can't rank it very high next to those I'm afraid.
I have to give credit to the attempt though. Using a yo mamma joke as an excuse to reveal a heliocentric solar system is a very, very lofty goal. You certainly aimed for the stars, and that you got even halfway is still an accomplishment. That said, this whole thing is basically a shaggy dog story, with everything lining up for that single swing at the end. So, to that end, it really could use some tightening up throughout. As this comes in at exactly the 2,000 word minimum for the contest, I'm fairly certain it was stretched. That hurt it. This should be maybe half the length it is, and if you take out the cruft, and polish a few of the narrative jokes along the way, then it could really be a great comedy. As is, I'm afraid it's in the finals against some serious literary work, and I can't rank it very high next to those I'm afraid.
>>Xepher
Well, I think some of these details do add to the depth of the story and the ambiguity in some situations. "Young mares should drink raspberry chocolate" is not presented as fact in the fic, but as "it is a perfect fit for young mares because its fresh, yet soft and sweet", a connection presented by Harshwinny. This made me think this would go far further with actually shipping the two, because that's only something someone would say who is cleary into young mares.
The encounter with RBdash does seem a bit tacked on, I agree, but it also serves in re-enforcing the perception that this could be an actual romantic date between Rarity and Harshwinny due to her interpretation of what she sees. Also, it's an entertaining encounter and not too long; I don't think I'd advise on the inclusion of such a scene if it were missing from the story, but I see little reason to scrap it.
Far too many irrelevant details (Rainbow has a date, Jet Set sleeps around, young mares should drink raspberry chocolate, etc.) are presented which don't apply to the main plot, or serve to enhance the characterizations. The one exception to this is Harshwinny's choice of coffee and biscotti. The reasons given for that do show us something about her character.
Well, I think some of these details do add to the depth of the story and the ambiguity in some situations. "Young mares should drink raspberry chocolate" is not presented as fact in the fic, but as "it is a perfect fit for young mares because its fresh, yet soft and sweet", a connection presented by Harshwinny. This made me think this would go far further with actually shipping the two, because that's only something someone would say who is cleary into young mares.
The encounter with RBdash does seem a bit tacked on, I agree, but it also serves in re-enforcing the perception that this could be an actual romantic date between Rarity and Harshwinny due to her interpretation of what she sees. Also, it's an entertaining encounter and not too long; I don't think I'd advise on the inclusion of such a scene if it were missing from the story, but I see little reason to scrap it.
A good read, even though some constructions left me dubious.
I don’t feel competent enough to comment further.
I don’t feel competent enough to comment further.