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A New Home
Identical rows of cookie-cutter houses scrolled past the window, each with their perfectly manicured lawns and their white picket fences, with the occasional pink flamingo making an appearance. Rainbow Dash spread her fingers against the car window, her eyes darting back and forth so she could take in every inch of it. This was going to be her new home. Her new neighborhood. The place where she’d run and play and explore. The place where she’d grow up. She caught a yellow face peeking out at her from one of the windows, framed by a mop of pale pink hair.
Their eyes met. The girl in the window was of a similar age to her, eight or nine, but she ducked out of sight before Rainbow Dash could do so much as wave. She looked familiar somehow. Hadn’t there been a classmate back home like that? A girl who didn’t talk much?
“You're going to love it here, champ,” her dad said from the front seat of their SUV. “The schools here have a great sports program, and the Shy family actually moved to this neighborhood a few months ago, so there will be at least one person in your class you know.”
Rainbow Dash grunted in a halfhearted acknowledgement. Her dad’s words went in one ear and out the other. Her thoughts were all turned inwards, many of them focused on trying not to throw up.
The tires crunched on the asphalt as the SUV made the slow turn into their new driveway. “Here we are,” her dad said as the vehicle lurched to a stop. His voice had the same edge to it as it always did when he would show off his old sports trophies. The key slid out of the ignition with a loud click, the vehicle beeping with its various noises before shutting down completely.
Her hands fumbled, numb as she unfastened her seatbelt. Even though this house looked identical to any other they had passed, it was somehow more. The building seemed to loom over Rainbow Dash, some vast and unknown thing that threatened to gobble her up and spit out her bones.
Her father jingled a set of fresh keys. “You ready to start our new life? You’ll like your room, it’s way bigger.”
Rainbow Dash didn’t answer, her slender fingers still holding onto the SUV. She couldn’t move. Didn’t want to.
He must have noticed her hesitation, because her father turned back around and knelt before Rainbow Dash, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, I know it’s a lot to take in. Change is scary, I get it. But this is a new start for the both of us. We need this. Your mother…” His face darkened briefly, and he squeezed her shoulders a little tighter. “She can't hurt either of us anymore. I'm sorry it took me so long, but we're free now. We can do what we want, live without looking over our shoulders. It's just me and you, now and forever. I'll always be there for you, I promise.”
Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, and Rainbow Dash bit her lip. She wasn't a wuss, and this didn’t bother her at all. She tried to open her mouth to say something, but she didn’t know what to say, and what words could possibly get it right? She raised her arm, her hands trembling.
Her father took her hand, smiled, and together they walked into their new home.
“‘That, doting on his own obsequious bondage…’ Ah, there’s another good one. Can anyone here tell me what ‘obsequious’ means? How about you, Rainbow Dash?”
“Hah, as if she'll know.”
“Miss Rainbow Dash! When I ask you a question, I expect you to answer it! This classroom is not the place for you catch up on lost sleep!”
“Huh-wha?” Rainbow Dash snorted awake, blinking away dreams and half-remembered nostalgia. The snickers of her classmates surrounded her, and the teacher’s stern gaze dug into her. “I, uh, sorry. What was the question again?”
“Obsequious. Can you please tell the class what it means?”
The word might as well have been in another language for all that Rainbow Dash recognized it. She glanced down at the textbooks on her desk. There was a vocabulary guide in there somewhere, but since she hadn’t been following along with the lesson, she had no idea where they were. She glanced to her left for support, meeting Fluttershy’s gaze.
Fluttershy winced and tried mouthing words. Numbers, maybe, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t make them out.
Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth and lowered her eyes as the stares of her classmates burned like the expectation of a crowd waiting for her to miss the game winning penalty kick. “I, uh, don’t know,” she answered lamely.
The teacher rolled her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “Can anyone else enlighten Miss Dash?”
Sunset Shimmer raised her hand. “Obsequious means obedient, or servile, to an excessive degree. It’s often used to describe a simpering sycophant, a fawning submissive, or an oleaginous henchman.” She turned to Rainbow Dash, her smile dripping with poison. “Does that help any, Rainbow Dash?”
She wanted nothing more than to punch Sunset in her stupid face, or barring that, at least hit back with a good insult of her own. But her mind came up empty, and she was still recovering from her impromptu nap. Her humiliation was thankfully cut short when the bell rang and everyone turned their attention towards going home instead.
“Remember, I expect a two-page essay about Iago’s betrayal on my desk by Monday!” With a pointed finger towards Rainbow Dash, she added, “For you, it’d better be three pages.”
Fluttershy hurried after Rainbow Dash and fell into step beside her as they made their way through the halls of Canterlot High. “Are, um, you okay?” she asked, panting slightly.
Rainbow Dash clenched her fists. “I can’t stand that bitch. I thought being a sophomore was supposed to be different.”
“It hasn’t been so far,” Fluttershy mumbled. They walked in silence until they made it outside the school. “Do you want to do anything for the weekend?”
“Maybe? I dunno. I just kind of want to go home and chill for a while, you know?” Rainbow Dash rested her hands behind her head. “We could head to the mall or something tomorrow, if you want. I hear the music store got in a sick new custom guitar.”
“Oh, um, if that’s what you want to do, I’d be happy to go.”
“Yeah. See you later, Shy.” Rainbow Dash turned down the road that would lead her home, her thoughts darkening as she thought about what waited for her there.
Her fears were unfounded, for the moment, at least. The house was empty, with a note on the fridge promising a late work day. It meant dinner wouldn’t be coming for a bit, but it didn’t matter. After such a crappy week at school, Rainbow Dash needed to unwind.
She decided to go all out and dress the part; frazzled hair, torn jeans, a ripped T-shirt with an obscure band in it, and some leather cuffs made for a killer look. A quick glance in the mirror told her she looked fierce. She felt fierce, and she was going to play hard enough to bring the house down. She cranked her amp up to eleven, slung her guitar over her shoulder, and played.
Her riffs were loud enough to shake the windows. Her fingers danced across the frets, playing no song in particular. She just wanted to explore the music, stringing together combinations of notes that felt right.
“Hmm hmm hmm,” she hummed along. “Hmm hmm hmm awesome hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.” Lyrics weren't her strong suit, but it sounded pretty great anyway.
She kept playing, until her fingers ached and sweat poured down her back. The music filled her and washed away her struggles. She played faster and faster, her chords driving her onwards and upwards towards an ever-climbing crescendo. It was pure bliss, a desperately needed release. She could forget about school, forget about her poor grades. Why did everyone think boring four-hundred-year-old stories were so great anyway? Just forget that entire class. And that bitch, Sunset, was going to get what was coming to her too. Since nobody was home, she could even forget about—
Her wings were clipped, and her music fell out from underneath her as her fingers suddenly plucked at strings acoustically. Rainbow Dash spun around, only to find her standing in the doorway, holding the plug to her amplifier.
Crystal Waters was shouting something, but Rainbow Dash could barely hear it over the ringing in her ears. She caught a few words like too loud and neighbors.
“Don't touch my stuff,” Rainbow Dash growled. “And how many times do I have to tell you to knock before entering!”
“Don't you take that tone with me, young lady,” her stepmom said. She marched over and stuck her nose in in Rainbow Dash’s face. No respect for her stuff, no respect for her personal space. “I was banging on that door for three straight minutes before I had to come in and pull the plug!”
Rainbow Dash stepped up to the challenge, leaning up on her tiptoes so that she was at an even height. The woman was a few inches taller than her, and she hated it. “Obviously that means I was busy, and instead of ruining everything you should take a freaking hint and go back to banging my dad, or whatever the hell you were doing before you decided to be a pain in my ass!”
Crystal’s eyes bugged out, and her nostrils flared. It was a pretty good indicator that Rainbow Dash was in for a verbal tirade that was sure to last until her dad got home. She braced herself.
But the expected tirade didn't come. Crystal pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “Why must you do this every time, Rainbow Dash? Turn every conversation into a fight, treat every minor request like I've just asked you to murder your best friend?”
Oh no, she wasn't going to get away with this. Yelling was one thing, but Crystal wouldn’t get to play the victim. “I know you were snooping through my dirty underwear, you freak,” she said, changing the subject.
Crystal's next words caught in her throat, and she sputtered incoherently for a moment. “I… I was not snooping. I was doing your laundry. You know, that chore you are apparently physically incapable of doing?”
“First off, don't touch my stuff,” Rainbow Dash said as she counted on her fingers. “Second, that doesn't give you any freaking right to run tattling to my dad because you think you saw something in my panties. Yeah, that's right, I overheard.”
“You…” Crystal's face reddened. She was such a prude, she’d walked right into it. “Just because I'm not your mother doesn't mean I don't care about you, Rainbow Dash. I was just relaying my concerns about your… health to your father. He has a right to know.”
“You're right, you're not my mom,” Rainbow Dash said, giving her best sneer. “Which means you should respect my privacy! If I want to screw the entire football team, it's my fucking business, not yours. And if I want to tell Dad about it, then I will, and you don't have any right to rifle through my dirty underwear and run to Dad behind my back!”
“I… then those stains really were…”
The look on Crystal's face made all of the setup worth it. A part of Rainbow Dash wanted to burst out laughing, but the anger boiling inside of her robbed the situation of any mirth other than a spiteful sense of triumph.
It took several times for Crystal to find her words again, and when she spoke again it was through clenched teeth. “When your father hears about this…”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as hard as she could. “Yeah, that's right, run to Dad and tell him what a slut his little girl is, put on those fake crocodile tears and cry about how worried you are and you just don't know what to do with me. Mind your own damn business. And it was just corn starch, you obsequious cunt.”
Both of them stared into each other's eyes, the tension in the room a blazing inferno. Neither would back down.
That tension shattered with the sound of a closing car door. They both looked towards the door, back at each other, then bolted towards the kitchen.
“Girls, I'm hom—”
“Blitz, your daughter is out of control!”
“Dad, Crystal is a creepy perv, and a bitch, and she won't just leave me alone!”
Her father sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Really? Is it too much to ask for one evening where you two aren’t screaming at each other by the time I walk in the door?”
“Yes!” they both shouted.
“Rainbow Dash,” her dad said after several moments of simmering tension. “I know you and Crystal don't always see eye to eye, but do you have to antagonize her at every turn?”
Crystal nodded smugly.
Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth. “Oh, so now you're taking her side, huh? I see how it is.”
Her father growled a low warning. “I'm not taking sides. I am trying to negotiate peace.”
“Which I would be absolutely happy to do,” Crystal said with mock sincerity. “But every time I extend the olive branch, your daughter here—”
“Olive branch? Yeah right. More like hemlock.” Oh yeah, she’d learned that in class. Maybe it wasn’t so useless after all. What else was an education good for besides winning points in petty arguments?
“Do you see what I mean? She's absolutely wild, and—”
“Enough, both of you!” her father roared. “It has been a long day, a longer week, and I cannot deal with your petty bickering right now.” Without another word, he stormed off into the living room.
“I'm so sorry, dear,” Crystal called out after him, her voice sickeningly sweet. “I'll put in some dinner and make you coffee.”
Rainbow Dash was left alone in the foyer, fuming to herself. She couldn't compete when Crystal turned on the charm and fawned over her father. Obsequious indeed.
“Whatever,” she muttered to herself. “Figured I’d wind up hanging out with Fluttershy anyway.”
“Ugh, I hate her so much!” Rainbow Dash roared, taking out her anger on a stuffed hippopotamus named Jeffery.
Fluttershy winced as her stuffed animals were brutalized, but she didn’t interject in their defense. “Was she that bad when you first met her?”
Rainbow Dash grumbled and continued to pace back and forth in Fluttershy’s room. “Hated her from the moment I saw her. Stupid swimming contest that stupid Dad had to drag me to. She only got bronze, I don’t know why he had to talk to her. Ugh.” With a grunt, Rainbow Dash fell backwards onto Fluttershy’s bed, spreading her arms out.
“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy mumbled. She rested a soft hand on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder and gave a bright smile. “Um, I talked with my parents, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need to sort things out.”
“Uh-huh. Thanks, Shy, you’re the best.” Rainbow Dash raised a hand into the air, staring through her spread fingers at the ceiling light. Just how many times had she retreated to the comfort and stability of Fluttershy’s house since Crystal Waters had moved in? At this point it was her home away from home. Even before Crystal entered the picture, the warmth of this place had helped her fit in as a little girl in a new town. “I guess it wasn’t really that bad at first. I mean, it was super weird when Dad started dating again to begin with, but the girls he found were all dumb and would never stick around long, y’know? I didn’t care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants. As long as they left me alone, it was fine.”
“Crystal has always been really sweet to me, but the two of you seem to mix together about as well as oil and, well, water.”
“I guess I’m the one that catches on fire? Gee, thanks.” Rainbow Dash tried to grin, but she couldn’t put her heart in it. “She’s just… so damn nosy. I can’t stand it. Dating was one thing. But living in my freaking house? She doesn’t belong, but she just walks around like she owns everyone and everything around her, and has the right to do whatever she wants.”
Fluttershy nodded. Rainbow Dash supposed that she’d already unloaded this particular rant on her friend at least a dozen times now, but she always listened and was there for her.
“But Crystal and your father, they um…” Fluttershy fidgeted and twiddled her fingers together.
Rainbow Dash smacked her palm into her forehead multiple times. “I know, I know, alright? They love each other. She makes him happy. Their wedding was the happiest I ever really saw him. After Mom…” Rainbow Dash growled under her breath as she stood up and began pacing again. She didn’t want to take her thoughts down that road.
“Is there really nothing you can do to get along?” Fluttershy asked, tilting her head.
“I’ve tried, she’s tried. It always ends up with one of us screaming at the other. What’s the point anymore? It’d be better if I could just get out of the house and move on. Get a sports scholarship and make it into college. But I’m not sure I can last another two years like this.”
Her train of thought was interrupted by a knock at the door. Rainbow Dash pulled it open roughly, only to see Fluttershy’s kid brother.
“Heya, Rainbow Dash,” Zephyr Breeze said. His voice cracked, and he tried to casually lean against the doorframe, pulling himself up to a height that hadn’t quite hit puberty yet. “If you get scared at night, come down to my room, and I’ll be happy to—”
Rainbow Dash slammed the door in his face, and locked it for good measure. “Speaking of nosy and obnoxious.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Sorry. Are you feeling any better?”
“Yeah. Thanks. It’s hard to stay mad when you’re around, you know?” Rainbow Dash grabbed the previously brutalized hippopotamus, tossed it to the ground, and leapt on it as if it were a beanbag chair. She flicked on the TV, then began digging around in the cabinet. “Come on, let’s play some video games or something.”
Rainbow Dash sat in the booth of her favorite local diner across from her father. A steaming mug of coffee rested on the table in front of her, the heady aroma heavenly this early in the morning.
“I’m glad you’re finally ready to sit down and talk,” her father said with a smile.
“Eh, I was having a lot of fun with Fluttershy. Her family doesn’t mind.” This particular sleepover had lasted a full week. Fluttershy’s parents were always so kind and humble and permissive, but even Rainbow Dash could tell when she was overstaying her welcome. “I don’t know. I feel a lot more at home over there than I do at our house, these days. I miss when it was just the two of us.”
Her father winced, then blew on his coffee a few times. The multitude of colors in his hair seemed a little duller since the last time she saw him. “Do you really think that? Do you really hate Crystal that much?”
Rainbow Dash bit her lip. “She starts the fights. I just finish them. Come on, Dad, how many times have we all sat down and agreed to try and ‘work together as a family?’ Has it worked even once?”
“It’s attitudes like that that make change impossible,” he said with a sigh. “I get it, she can be tricky to deal with sometimes. But you really do go out of your way to piss her off, and you know it. I mean, corn starch in the underwear makes for a hilarious prank, in the right context. But was anyone really laughing?”
“Okay, maybe I overdid it,” Rainbow Dash mumbled. She grabbed a sugar packet from the dispenser on the table, then idly spun it around, so as to avoid looking at her dad. “But she should have kept her nose out of my business.”
“It’s not about the specifics, but I did talk to Crystal about it. She was just worried about you, Dash, but she promised that she’ll try to—”
“She says that a lot, but she never changes,” Rainbow Dash interjected, slamming a fist onto the table. “You know, it, I know it, she knows it. It’s an empty promise.”
Her father narrowed his eyes, staying silent long enough that she began to fidget as he drummed his fingers on the table. Finally, he let out a long sigh. “What do you want me to do about it, Dash?”
“I don’t know. How should I know?” Rainbow Dash looked away, unable to meet his gaze. “I just… can’t live with her anymore. Sooner or later one of us is going to snap completely.”
“I see. Look, Dash…” Her father licked his lips. She realized his hands were trembling. “If Crystal and I were to separate, would that really make you happy?”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide, and her heart skipped a beat. Was he serious? Just like that, and that bitch would be gone, and it could be just her and her dad again. She wanted to open her mouth to say yes. She met her dad’s gaze, saw the sincerity in his eyes.
And she saw how heartbroken he would be.
“Damnit, Dad,” Rainbow Dash growled. She slumped forward, pressing her forehead against the table. “You know I can’t ask you to do that. Ugh. Whatever, I get it. I’m the problem. If anyone should go, it should be me. It won’t be that hard to convince the Shy family to take me in for a few years until I go to college.”
Her father let out a held breath. “Thank you for not asking me to leave her. If you really, truly asked, I’d do it, but... As for staying with the Shys… they probably would let you, but it wouldn’t be right and you know it.”
“Uh-huh.” Rainbow Dash kept her forehead down. “Being homeless can’t be that hard then. I know plenty of people who’d let me crash on their couch.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” her father said, rolling his eyes. “I’m not going to let my little girl live on the streets. But I might have something else in mind.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.
“How would you like to, well, that is…” He paused and took a sip of his coffee, then grimaced from the taste. “You’re old enough now. Well, almost. I was thinking that maybe we could get you your own place.”
“Whoa.” Rainbow Dash blinked several times. Did she hear that right? “What do you mean, my own place? Like, a place that's my own?”
Her father took a deep breath. “I’ll pay for it, of course. Mostly. You’ll need to get a job and contribute in some way. Just a small place, somewhere you can have your own space. I'm thinking I'll visit at least three times a week. But you have to be responsible enough to get yourself to school on time every day. If you do nothing but party and your grades suffer because of this, I'll pull the plug in a snap.”
“That's…”
“It's just an idea, of course,” her father said hurriedly. He waved his hands about like he always tended to when he was nervous. “Nothing's set in stone, of course, and you’re perfectly able to just say—”
“So. Freaking. Awesome!” Rainbow Dash shouted. She jumped up and slammed her hands on the table. It attracted the attention of the waitstaff, but she didn't care. “I could make my own recording studio! Nobody around to complain. And I could practice soccer in the house too, if I just don't keep anything dumb and breakable around. I mean the job part sucks I guess, but it can’t be that hard, right?”
Hey father chuckled, then wiped the sweat from his brow. “I suppose I should have expected an answer like that. Though don't get too crazy now; you'll have neighbors, and I'm sure there'll be a security deposit. I mean it, Rainbow, you can have fun on your own, but you need to prove that you can be responsible.”
Rainbow Dash stood up a little straighter. “I got this, Dad. As long as Crystal doesn't bother me. She's uh, on board with this, right?”
“I still need to discuss it with her, but she'll agree.” He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Well, it’s not really up for discussion. I promise she won't bother you at your new place. Though you might have to stomach a family get-together or two when the holidays roll around.”
“We've got worse relatives than Crystal,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin. “Once a year is easy enough to manage. Crap, this is really happening, isn't it? Fluttershy is going to freak.”
Her father smiled then stood up himself. “I don't know if this is the right answer, Dash, but I think it's worth a shot.”
Rainbow Dash wrapped her arms around her father in a tight hug. She could feel the stares of other patrons, but screw them all. “Thanks Dad. You're the best.”
Getting everything set up took about a month. During that time, Rainbow Dash felt a lot better, knowing she wasn’t trapped anymore. With a way out visible and close by, it was a lot easier to avoid arguments. She only had a few minor ones with Crystal, and at one point, they were even civil.
After a short move-in day—she didn’t own that much stuff—Rainbow Dash celebrated with a housewarming party consisting of her father and Fluttershy’s family. It was the weekend, and she could have invited Fluttershy to spend the night, but she wanted to celebrate her first night alone in her new home.
This was finally it. Her own place. Once everyone was gone, Rainbow Dash ran around her own house, giggling like a madwoman. A part of her wanted to go completely wild and wreck the place, scribble on the walls, kick a hole in the door. Who would stop her? But she knew better, because this was hers now, at least in a sense. She’d have to clean it up if she did.
She was going to have to do her own dishes, and her own laundry. Cook her own food. Well, her Dad would probably still help with a lot of that. He had promised to come by for dinner pretty often, and she otherwise knew how to use a microwave.
And the music. Sure, the acoustics weren't the best, but the walls were thick, and while she couldn’t rock the block, she could at least play to her heart’s content.
Rainbow Dash flopped onto her bed after a long night of just enjoying her freedom. It felt right, and while she could stay up all night if she really wanted to, she had a job interview tomorrow afternoon that she’d promised to go to.
But sleep refused to come easily. She lay in her bed, alone, staring up at her darkened ceiling, listening to the sounds of her new house. They were unfamiliar to her, different creaks, different drafts. She remembered a time eight years ago when she had first moved to Canterlot with her dad. How she had stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling, scared and alone and so unsure. That night, she had crawled into her father’s bed and slept there instead.
She wasn’t a little kid anymore, so the very thought of it was ridiculous.
But still, she…
The phone rang three times before he picked up. “Dash?” her father asked, his voice slurred with sleep. “Is everything alright?”
“Everything’s fine,” Rainbow Dash said. “Really, don’t worry. I just… I dunno. Wanted to say good night.”
There was a long silence before her dad spoke again, a hint of laughter in his voice. “It’s a bit late for that, Dash.”
“Yeah, well.” Her face burned and it took a surprising amount of effort to force the words out. “I guess, I also wanted to say thanks again. And, uh, that I love you.”
“Heh.” She could hear the warmth in his voice. “I love you too. Goodnight, champ.”
“Good night, Dad.”
Their eyes met. The girl in the window was of a similar age to her, eight or nine, but she ducked out of sight before Rainbow Dash could do so much as wave. She looked familiar somehow. Hadn’t there been a classmate back home like that? A girl who didn’t talk much?
“You're going to love it here, champ,” her dad said from the front seat of their SUV. “The schools here have a great sports program, and the Shy family actually moved to this neighborhood a few months ago, so there will be at least one person in your class you know.”
Rainbow Dash grunted in a halfhearted acknowledgement. Her dad’s words went in one ear and out the other. Her thoughts were all turned inwards, many of them focused on trying not to throw up.
The tires crunched on the asphalt as the SUV made the slow turn into their new driveway. “Here we are,” her dad said as the vehicle lurched to a stop. His voice had the same edge to it as it always did when he would show off his old sports trophies. The key slid out of the ignition with a loud click, the vehicle beeping with its various noises before shutting down completely.
Her hands fumbled, numb as she unfastened her seatbelt. Even though this house looked identical to any other they had passed, it was somehow more. The building seemed to loom over Rainbow Dash, some vast and unknown thing that threatened to gobble her up and spit out her bones.
Her father jingled a set of fresh keys. “You ready to start our new life? You’ll like your room, it’s way bigger.”
Rainbow Dash didn’t answer, her slender fingers still holding onto the SUV. She couldn’t move. Didn’t want to.
He must have noticed her hesitation, because her father turned back around and knelt before Rainbow Dash, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, I know it’s a lot to take in. Change is scary, I get it. But this is a new start for the both of us. We need this. Your mother…” His face darkened briefly, and he squeezed her shoulders a little tighter. “She can't hurt either of us anymore. I'm sorry it took me so long, but we're free now. We can do what we want, live without looking over our shoulders. It's just me and you, now and forever. I'll always be there for you, I promise.”
Tears threatened to fall from her eyes, and Rainbow Dash bit her lip. She wasn't a wuss, and this didn’t bother her at all. She tried to open her mouth to say something, but she didn’t know what to say, and what words could possibly get it right? She raised her arm, her hands trembling.
Her father took her hand, smiled, and together they walked into their new home.
“‘That, doting on his own obsequious bondage…’ Ah, there’s another good one. Can anyone here tell me what ‘obsequious’ means? How about you, Rainbow Dash?”
“Hah, as if she'll know.”
“Miss Rainbow Dash! When I ask you a question, I expect you to answer it! This classroom is not the place for you catch up on lost sleep!”
“Huh-wha?” Rainbow Dash snorted awake, blinking away dreams and half-remembered nostalgia. The snickers of her classmates surrounded her, and the teacher’s stern gaze dug into her. “I, uh, sorry. What was the question again?”
“Obsequious. Can you please tell the class what it means?”
The word might as well have been in another language for all that Rainbow Dash recognized it. She glanced down at the textbooks on her desk. There was a vocabulary guide in there somewhere, but since she hadn’t been following along with the lesson, she had no idea where they were. She glanced to her left for support, meeting Fluttershy’s gaze.
Fluttershy winced and tried mouthing words. Numbers, maybe, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t make them out.
Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth and lowered her eyes as the stares of her classmates burned like the expectation of a crowd waiting for her to miss the game winning penalty kick. “I, uh, don’t know,” she answered lamely.
The teacher rolled her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “Can anyone else enlighten Miss Dash?”
Sunset Shimmer raised her hand. “Obsequious means obedient, or servile, to an excessive degree. It’s often used to describe a simpering sycophant, a fawning submissive, or an oleaginous henchman.” She turned to Rainbow Dash, her smile dripping with poison. “Does that help any, Rainbow Dash?”
She wanted nothing more than to punch Sunset in her stupid face, or barring that, at least hit back with a good insult of her own. But her mind came up empty, and she was still recovering from her impromptu nap. Her humiliation was thankfully cut short when the bell rang and everyone turned their attention towards going home instead.
“Remember, I expect a two-page essay about Iago’s betrayal on my desk by Monday!” With a pointed finger towards Rainbow Dash, she added, “For you, it’d better be three pages.”
Fluttershy hurried after Rainbow Dash and fell into step beside her as they made their way through the halls of Canterlot High. “Are, um, you okay?” she asked, panting slightly.
Rainbow Dash clenched her fists. “I can’t stand that bitch. I thought being a sophomore was supposed to be different.”
“It hasn’t been so far,” Fluttershy mumbled. They walked in silence until they made it outside the school. “Do you want to do anything for the weekend?”
“Maybe? I dunno. I just kind of want to go home and chill for a while, you know?” Rainbow Dash rested her hands behind her head. “We could head to the mall or something tomorrow, if you want. I hear the music store got in a sick new custom guitar.”
“Oh, um, if that’s what you want to do, I’d be happy to go.”
“Yeah. See you later, Shy.” Rainbow Dash turned down the road that would lead her home, her thoughts darkening as she thought about what waited for her there.
Her fears were unfounded, for the moment, at least. The house was empty, with a note on the fridge promising a late work day. It meant dinner wouldn’t be coming for a bit, but it didn’t matter. After such a crappy week at school, Rainbow Dash needed to unwind.
She decided to go all out and dress the part; frazzled hair, torn jeans, a ripped T-shirt with an obscure band in it, and some leather cuffs made for a killer look. A quick glance in the mirror told her she looked fierce. She felt fierce, and she was going to play hard enough to bring the house down. She cranked her amp up to eleven, slung her guitar over her shoulder, and played.
Her riffs were loud enough to shake the windows. Her fingers danced across the frets, playing no song in particular. She just wanted to explore the music, stringing together combinations of notes that felt right.
“Hmm hmm hmm,” she hummed along. “Hmm hmm hmm awesome hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm.” Lyrics weren't her strong suit, but it sounded pretty great anyway.
She kept playing, until her fingers ached and sweat poured down her back. The music filled her and washed away her struggles. She played faster and faster, her chords driving her onwards and upwards towards an ever-climbing crescendo. It was pure bliss, a desperately needed release. She could forget about school, forget about her poor grades. Why did everyone think boring four-hundred-year-old stories were so great anyway? Just forget that entire class. And that bitch, Sunset, was going to get what was coming to her too. Since nobody was home, she could even forget about—
Her wings were clipped, and her music fell out from underneath her as her fingers suddenly plucked at strings acoustically. Rainbow Dash spun around, only to find her standing in the doorway, holding the plug to her amplifier.
Crystal Waters was shouting something, but Rainbow Dash could barely hear it over the ringing in her ears. She caught a few words like too loud and neighbors.
“Don't touch my stuff,” Rainbow Dash growled. “And how many times do I have to tell you to knock before entering!”
“Don't you take that tone with me, young lady,” her stepmom said. She marched over and stuck her nose in in Rainbow Dash’s face. No respect for her stuff, no respect for her personal space. “I was banging on that door for three straight minutes before I had to come in and pull the plug!”
Rainbow Dash stepped up to the challenge, leaning up on her tiptoes so that she was at an even height. The woman was a few inches taller than her, and she hated it. “Obviously that means I was busy, and instead of ruining everything you should take a freaking hint and go back to banging my dad, or whatever the hell you were doing before you decided to be a pain in my ass!”
Crystal’s eyes bugged out, and her nostrils flared. It was a pretty good indicator that Rainbow Dash was in for a verbal tirade that was sure to last until her dad got home. She braced herself.
But the expected tirade didn't come. Crystal pinched the bridge of her nose and took a deep breath. “Why must you do this every time, Rainbow Dash? Turn every conversation into a fight, treat every minor request like I've just asked you to murder your best friend?”
Oh no, she wasn't going to get away with this. Yelling was one thing, but Crystal wouldn’t get to play the victim. “I know you were snooping through my dirty underwear, you freak,” she said, changing the subject.
Crystal's next words caught in her throat, and she sputtered incoherently for a moment. “I… I was not snooping. I was doing your laundry. You know, that chore you are apparently physically incapable of doing?”
“First off, don't touch my stuff,” Rainbow Dash said as she counted on her fingers. “Second, that doesn't give you any freaking right to run tattling to my dad because you think you saw something in my panties. Yeah, that's right, I overheard.”
“You…” Crystal's face reddened. She was such a prude, she’d walked right into it. “Just because I'm not your mother doesn't mean I don't care about you, Rainbow Dash. I was just relaying my concerns about your… health to your father. He has a right to know.”
“You're right, you're not my mom,” Rainbow Dash said, giving her best sneer. “Which means you should respect my privacy! If I want to screw the entire football team, it's my fucking business, not yours. And if I want to tell Dad about it, then I will, and you don't have any right to rifle through my dirty underwear and run to Dad behind my back!”
“I… then those stains really were…”
The look on Crystal's face made all of the setup worth it. A part of Rainbow Dash wanted to burst out laughing, but the anger boiling inside of her robbed the situation of any mirth other than a spiteful sense of triumph.
It took several times for Crystal to find her words again, and when she spoke again it was through clenched teeth. “When your father hears about this…”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as hard as she could. “Yeah, that's right, run to Dad and tell him what a slut his little girl is, put on those fake crocodile tears and cry about how worried you are and you just don't know what to do with me. Mind your own damn business. And it was just corn starch, you obsequious cunt.”
Both of them stared into each other's eyes, the tension in the room a blazing inferno. Neither would back down.
That tension shattered with the sound of a closing car door. They both looked towards the door, back at each other, then bolted towards the kitchen.
“Girls, I'm hom—”
“Blitz, your daughter is out of control!”
“Dad, Crystal is a creepy perv, and a bitch, and she won't just leave me alone!”
Her father sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Really? Is it too much to ask for one evening where you two aren’t screaming at each other by the time I walk in the door?”
“Yes!” they both shouted.
“Rainbow Dash,” her dad said after several moments of simmering tension. “I know you and Crystal don't always see eye to eye, but do you have to antagonize her at every turn?”
Crystal nodded smugly.
Rainbow Dash clenched her teeth. “Oh, so now you're taking her side, huh? I see how it is.”
Her father growled a low warning. “I'm not taking sides. I am trying to negotiate peace.”
“Which I would be absolutely happy to do,” Crystal said with mock sincerity. “But every time I extend the olive branch, your daughter here—”
“Olive branch? Yeah right. More like hemlock.” Oh yeah, she’d learned that in class. Maybe it wasn’t so useless after all. What else was an education good for besides winning points in petty arguments?
“Do you see what I mean? She's absolutely wild, and—”
“Enough, both of you!” her father roared. “It has been a long day, a longer week, and I cannot deal with your petty bickering right now.” Without another word, he stormed off into the living room.
“I'm so sorry, dear,” Crystal called out after him, her voice sickeningly sweet. “I'll put in some dinner and make you coffee.”
Rainbow Dash was left alone in the foyer, fuming to herself. She couldn't compete when Crystal turned on the charm and fawned over her father. Obsequious indeed.
“Whatever,” she muttered to herself. “Figured I’d wind up hanging out with Fluttershy anyway.”
“Ugh, I hate her so much!” Rainbow Dash roared, taking out her anger on a stuffed hippopotamus named Jeffery.
Fluttershy winced as her stuffed animals were brutalized, but she didn’t interject in their defense. “Was she that bad when you first met her?”
Rainbow Dash grumbled and continued to pace back and forth in Fluttershy’s room. “Hated her from the moment I saw her. Stupid swimming contest that stupid Dad had to drag me to. She only got bronze, I don’t know why he had to talk to her. Ugh.” With a grunt, Rainbow Dash fell backwards onto Fluttershy’s bed, spreading her arms out.
“I’m sorry,” Fluttershy mumbled. She rested a soft hand on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder and gave a bright smile. “Um, I talked with my parents, you’re welcome to stay as long as you need to sort things out.”
“Uh-huh. Thanks, Shy, you’re the best.” Rainbow Dash raised a hand into the air, staring through her spread fingers at the ceiling light. Just how many times had she retreated to the comfort and stability of Fluttershy’s house since Crystal Waters had moved in? At this point it was her home away from home. Even before Crystal entered the picture, the warmth of this place had helped her fit in as a little girl in a new town. “I guess it wasn’t really that bad at first. I mean, it was super weird when Dad started dating again to begin with, but the girls he found were all dumb and would never stick around long, y’know? I didn’t care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants. As long as they left me alone, it was fine.”
“Crystal has always been really sweet to me, but the two of you seem to mix together about as well as oil and, well, water.”
“I guess I’m the one that catches on fire? Gee, thanks.” Rainbow Dash tried to grin, but she couldn’t put her heart in it. “She’s just… so damn nosy. I can’t stand it. Dating was one thing. But living in my freaking house? She doesn’t belong, but she just walks around like she owns everyone and everything around her, and has the right to do whatever she wants.”
Fluttershy nodded. Rainbow Dash supposed that she’d already unloaded this particular rant on her friend at least a dozen times now, but she always listened and was there for her.
“But Crystal and your father, they um…” Fluttershy fidgeted and twiddled her fingers together.
Rainbow Dash smacked her palm into her forehead multiple times. “I know, I know, alright? They love each other. She makes him happy. Their wedding was the happiest I ever really saw him. After Mom…” Rainbow Dash growled under her breath as she stood up and began pacing again. She didn’t want to take her thoughts down that road.
“Is there really nothing you can do to get along?” Fluttershy asked, tilting her head.
“I’ve tried, she’s tried. It always ends up with one of us screaming at the other. What’s the point anymore? It’d be better if I could just get out of the house and move on. Get a sports scholarship and make it into college. But I’m not sure I can last another two years like this.”
Her train of thought was interrupted by a knock at the door. Rainbow Dash pulled it open roughly, only to see Fluttershy’s kid brother.
“Heya, Rainbow Dash,” Zephyr Breeze said. His voice cracked, and he tried to casually lean against the doorframe, pulling himself up to a height that hadn’t quite hit puberty yet. “If you get scared at night, come down to my room, and I’ll be happy to—”
Rainbow Dash slammed the door in his face, and locked it for good measure. “Speaking of nosy and obnoxious.”
Fluttershy giggled. “Sorry. Are you feeling any better?”
“Yeah. Thanks. It’s hard to stay mad when you’re around, you know?” Rainbow Dash grabbed the previously brutalized hippopotamus, tossed it to the ground, and leapt on it as if it were a beanbag chair. She flicked on the TV, then began digging around in the cabinet. “Come on, let’s play some video games or something.”
Rainbow Dash sat in the booth of her favorite local diner across from her father. A steaming mug of coffee rested on the table in front of her, the heady aroma heavenly this early in the morning.
“I’m glad you’re finally ready to sit down and talk,” her father said with a smile.
“Eh, I was having a lot of fun with Fluttershy. Her family doesn’t mind.” This particular sleepover had lasted a full week. Fluttershy’s parents were always so kind and humble and permissive, but even Rainbow Dash could tell when she was overstaying her welcome. “I don’t know. I feel a lot more at home over there than I do at our house, these days. I miss when it was just the two of us.”
Her father winced, then blew on his coffee a few times. The multitude of colors in his hair seemed a little duller since the last time she saw him. “Do you really think that? Do you really hate Crystal that much?”
Rainbow Dash bit her lip. “She starts the fights. I just finish them. Come on, Dad, how many times have we all sat down and agreed to try and ‘work together as a family?’ Has it worked even once?”
“It’s attitudes like that that make change impossible,” he said with a sigh. “I get it, she can be tricky to deal with sometimes. But you really do go out of your way to piss her off, and you know it. I mean, corn starch in the underwear makes for a hilarious prank, in the right context. But was anyone really laughing?”
“Okay, maybe I overdid it,” Rainbow Dash mumbled. She grabbed a sugar packet from the dispenser on the table, then idly spun it around, so as to avoid looking at her dad. “But she should have kept her nose out of my business.”
“It’s not about the specifics, but I did talk to Crystal about it. She was just worried about you, Dash, but she promised that she’ll try to—”
“She says that a lot, but she never changes,” Rainbow Dash interjected, slamming a fist onto the table. “You know, it, I know it, she knows it. It’s an empty promise.”
Her father narrowed his eyes, staying silent long enough that she began to fidget as he drummed his fingers on the table. Finally, he let out a long sigh. “What do you want me to do about it, Dash?”
“I don’t know. How should I know?” Rainbow Dash looked away, unable to meet his gaze. “I just… can’t live with her anymore. Sooner or later one of us is going to snap completely.”
“I see. Look, Dash…” Her father licked his lips. She realized his hands were trembling. “If Crystal and I were to separate, would that really make you happy?”
Rainbow Dash’s eyes went wide, and her heart skipped a beat. Was he serious? Just like that, and that bitch would be gone, and it could be just her and her dad again. She wanted to open her mouth to say yes. She met her dad’s gaze, saw the sincerity in his eyes.
And she saw how heartbroken he would be.
“Damnit, Dad,” Rainbow Dash growled. She slumped forward, pressing her forehead against the table. “You know I can’t ask you to do that. Ugh. Whatever, I get it. I’m the problem. If anyone should go, it should be me. It won’t be that hard to convince the Shy family to take me in for a few years until I go to college.”
Her father let out a held breath. “Thank you for not asking me to leave her. If you really, truly asked, I’d do it, but... As for staying with the Shys… they probably would let you, but it wouldn’t be right and you know it.”
“Uh-huh.” Rainbow Dash kept her forehead down. “Being homeless can’t be that hard then. I know plenty of people who’d let me crash on their couch.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” her father said, rolling his eyes. “I’m not going to let my little girl live on the streets. But I might have something else in mind.”
Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.
“How would you like to, well, that is…” He paused and took a sip of his coffee, then grimaced from the taste. “You’re old enough now. Well, almost. I was thinking that maybe we could get you your own place.”
“Whoa.” Rainbow Dash blinked several times. Did she hear that right? “What do you mean, my own place? Like, a place that's my own?”
Her father took a deep breath. “I’ll pay for it, of course. Mostly. You’ll need to get a job and contribute in some way. Just a small place, somewhere you can have your own space. I'm thinking I'll visit at least three times a week. But you have to be responsible enough to get yourself to school on time every day. If you do nothing but party and your grades suffer because of this, I'll pull the plug in a snap.”
“That's…”
“It's just an idea, of course,” her father said hurriedly. He waved his hands about like he always tended to when he was nervous. “Nothing's set in stone, of course, and you’re perfectly able to just say—”
“So. Freaking. Awesome!” Rainbow Dash shouted. She jumped up and slammed her hands on the table. It attracted the attention of the waitstaff, but she didn't care. “I could make my own recording studio! Nobody around to complain. And I could practice soccer in the house too, if I just don't keep anything dumb and breakable around. I mean the job part sucks I guess, but it can’t be that hard, right?”
Hey father chuckled, then wiped the sweat from his brow. “I suppose I should have expected an answer like that. Though don't get too crazy now; you'll have neighbors, and I'm sure there'll be a security deposit. I mean it, Rainbow, you can have fun on your own, but you need to prove that you can be responsible.”
Rainbow Dash stood up a little straighter. “I got this, Dad. As long as Crystal doesn't bother me. She's uh, on board with this, right?”
“I still need to discuss it with her, but she'll agree.” He narrowed his eyes slightly. “Well, it’s not really up for discussion. I promise she won't bother you at your new place. Though you might have to stomach a family get-together or two when the holidays roll around.”
“We've got worse relatives than Crystal,” Rainbow Dash said with a grin. “Once a year is easy enough to manage. Crap, this is really happening, isn't it? Fluttershy is going to freak.”
Her father smiled then stood up himself. “I don't know if this is the right answer, Dash, but I think it's worth a shot.”
Rainbow Dash wrapped her arms around her father in a tight hug. She could feel the stares of other patrons, but screw them all. “Thanks Dad. You're the best.”
Getting everything set up took about a month. During that time, Rainbow Dash felt a lot better, knowing she wasn’t trapped anymore. With a way out visible and close by, it was a lot easier to avoid arguments. She only had a few minor ones with Crystal, and at one point, they were even civil.
After a short move-in day—she didn’t own that much stuff—Rainbow Dash celebrated with a housewarming party consisting of her father and Fluttershy’s family. It was the weekend, and she could have invited Fluttershy to spend the night, but she wanted to celebrate her first night alone in her new home.
This was finally it. Her own place. Once everyone was gone, Rainbow Dash ran around her own house, giggling like a madwoman. A part of her wanted to go completely wild and wreck the place, scribble on the walls, kick a hole in the door. Who would stop her? But she knew better, because this was hers now, at least in a sense. She’d have to clean it up if she did.
She was going to have to do her own dishes, and her own laundry. Cook her own food. Well, her Dad would probably still help with a lot of that. He had promised to come by for dinner pretty often, and she otherwise knew how to use a microwave.
And the music. Sure, the acoustics weren't the best, but the walls were thick, and while she couldn’t rock the block, she could at least play to her heart’s content.
Rainbow Dash flopped onto her bed after a long night of just enjoying her freedom. It felt right, and while she could stay up all night if she really wanted to, she had a job interview tomorrow afternoon that she’d promised to go to.
But sleep refused to come easily. She lay in her bed, alone, staring up at her darkened ceiling, listening to the sounds of her new house. They were unfamiliar to her, different creaks, different drafts. She remembered a time eight years ago when she had first moved to Canterlot with her dad. How she had stared up at an unfamiliar ceiling, scared and alone and so unsure. That night, she had crawled into her father’s bed and slept there instead.
She wasn’t a little kid anymore, so the very thought of it was ridiculous.
But still, she…
The phone rang three times before he picked up. “Dash?” her father asked, his voice slurred with sleep. “Is everything alright?”
“Everything’s fine,” Rainbow Dash said. “Really, don’t worry. I just… I dunno. Wanted to say good night.”
There was a long silence before her dad spoke again, a hint of laughter in his voice. “It’s a bit late for that, Dash.”
“Yeah, well.” Her face burned and it took a surprising amount of effort to force the words out. “I guess, I also wanted to say thanks again. And, uh, that I love you.”
“Heh.” She could hear the warmth in his voice. “I love you too. Goodnight, champ.”
“Good night, Dad.”
So... this is an EqG fic, and I have trouble getting into those because I just plain don't care for EqG. I was afraid that I'd be prejudiced against this story for that reason, but you went and surprised me, whoever-you-are. You got me to care about Equestria Girls. You must be some sort of brilliant scientist.
A couple of criticisms, though. The dream sequence at the start contextualized the rest of the story, and subtly informs some of Rainbow Dash's hostility toward StepMombow Dash, so good on you for that. That said, dream sequences being used to open/contextualize stories is a device that I'm generally not fond of, and it feels a little forced in this instance. The fact that Dash's recollection is so specific (not "half-remembered" at all, despite the story's insistence), despite being a dream, comes across as contrived. If the story hadn't explicitly called it a dream after the scene ended, I probably wouldn't have been able to guess that it was a dream.
I would say that you could open with it, and just treat it like a flashback, but that might just be subjectivity.
Regarding the story itself, the conflict between Dash and StepMombow is handled well, but I found Rainbow Dash the less sympathetic character in the conflict. I get the sense that she baits her stepmom frequently, but I don't see Crystal baiting her back. It comes across as just a one-sided grudge on Rainbow Dash's part. Again, that's probably because of the aforementioned mother issues, but Dash is the protagonist and probably the person I'm supposed to identify and sympathize with, but that's just not happening. The only moment where I found myself actually rooting for Dash was when she refuses to ask her father to leave Crystal (sidenote: that's a huge moment for Rainbow Dad, and I wish there'd been some more build-up to it, a little more dialogue to characterize him, or a conversation between he and Dash about Mombow Dash).
And the conflict between them goes unresolved at the end. I was hoping that there would be some moment where they make progress toward reconciling - a moment of mutual understanding; maybe StepMombow makes some kind of gesture, or overture, or goes out of her way to help Dash when she needs it, and maybe Dash comes to realize that she's treating her stepmother unfairly because of whatever happened with her mom - but instead they side-step the issue altogether by having Rainbow Dash move out of the house, solving nothing and creating a situation where an immature, unemancipated minor without the means to support herself is living alone. And that just seems like it'd create further problems.
I dunno; I feel like more could be done with this to bring it to a more effective conclusion. There's a solid bedrock, and your writing's fairly strong; there's good interplay between Dash and Fluttershy, and the Zephyr Breeze cameo was a nice touch (there are several little touches like that in the story).
But it feels... abridged.
A couple of criticisms, though. The dream sequence at the start contextualized the rest of the story, and subtly informs some of Rainbow Dash's hostility toward StepMombow Dash, so good on you for that. That said, dream sequences being used to open/contextualize stories is a device that I'm generally not fond of, and it feels a little forced in this instance. The fact that Dash's recollection is so specific (not "half-remembered" at all, despite the story's insistence), despite being a dream, comes across as contrived. If the story hadn't explicitly called it a dream after the scene ended, I probably wouldn't have been able to guess that it was a dream.
I would say that you could open with it, and just treat it like a flashback, but that might just be subjectivity.
Regarding the story itself, the conflict between Dash and StepMombow is handled well, but I found Rainbow Dash the less sympathetic character in the conflict. I get the sense that she baits her stepmom frequently, but I don't see Crystal baiting her back. It comes across as just a one-sided grudge on Rainbow Dash's part. Again, that's probably because of the aforementioned mother issues, but Dash is the protagonist and probably the person I'm supposed to identify and sympathize with, but that's just not happening. The only moment where I found myself actually rooting for Dash was when she refuses to ask her father to leave Crystal (sidenote: that's a huge moment for Rainbow Dad, and I wish there'd been some more build-up to it, a little more dialogue to characterize him, or a conversation between he and Dash about Mombow Dash).
And the conflict between them goes unresolved at the end. I was hoping that there would be some moment where they make progress toward reconciling - a moment of mutual understanding; maybe StepMombow makes some kind of gesture, or overture, or goes out of her way to help Dash when she needs it, and maybe Dash comes to realize that she's treating her stepmother unfairly because of whatever happened with her mom - but instead they side-step the issue altogether by having Rainbow Dash move out of the house, solving nothing and creating a situation where an immature, unemancipated minor without the means to support herself is living alone. And that just seems like it'd create further problems.
I dunno; I feel like more could be done with this to bring it to a more effective conclusion. There's a solid bedrock, and your writing's fairly strong; there's good interplay between Dash and Fluttershy, and the Zephyr Breeze cameo was a nice touch (there are several little touches like that in the story).
But it feels... abridged.
I agree with literally everything >>Posh said (and have head-canonized the names Rainbow Dad and Mombow Dash). It didn't even occur to me that the opening scene was a dream until I read Posh's comment; I was just confused by Rainbow having a possibly-homicidal real-mom somewhere who never entered the story.
My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.
My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.
>>Bad Horse Thank you for agreeing with me, Internet Horse-Person. You are not as bad as your username would imply. :)
Oh my. Don’t think I’ve seen a dark spin on Rainbow Dash’s mother before. Neglectful, yes, but not abusive.
Well, at least Dash is using her vocabulary words.
This was certainly an interesting spin on human Dash’s family situation. Dash herself comes across as hostile, irrational, and generally unsympathetic, which just means she’s a teenager. And Rainbow Dash. Girl can hold a grudge.
Still, this feels more like a first chapter than a complete story. The conflict between Dash and Crystal Waters hasn’t been resolved, merely avoided. Dash’s discomfort with her new home and impending greater responsibilities both loom over her, but you never do anything with them. I’d love to see this expanded, but for now, I’m left unsatisfied.
Also, even after reading the other comments, I think that was more of a flashback than a dream sequence, though I suppose memory-dreams count as both.
Well, at least Dash is using her vocabulary words.
This was certainly an interesting spin on human Dash’s family situation. Dash herself comes across as hostile, irrational, and generally unsympathetic, which just means she’s a teenager. And Rainbow Dash. Girl can hold a grudge.
Still, this feels more like a first chapter than a complete story. The conflict between Dash and Crystal Waters hasn’t been resolved, merely avoided. Dash’s discomfort with her new home and impending greater responsibilities both loom over her, but you never do anything with them. I’d love to see this expanded, but for now, I’m left unsatisfied.
Also, even after reading the other comments, I think that was more of a flashback than a dream sequence, though I suppose memory-dreams count as both.
This was a decent slice of life fic. I like the involvement of a diverse cast of characters for Dash to interact with. I like her dad.
Agreed with most of the reviewers about the dream sequence at the beginning. I had no idea until I read other reviews. It read exactly like a flashback to me and less like a dream.
What bothers me is that this story is full of tropes. I’ve seen practically all the ideas portrayed in this story before—a child moving to a new home in a cookie-cutter suburban neighboorhood, a strict teacher asking a napping/distracted student a question and the snob trope answering it for her, loud music making her feel better until a parent figure unplugs it with concern for noise and they get in a fight, and so on—none of it felt particularly interesting except for the dad offering to divorce and then offering Dash her own place, but even then those seem like extreme measures. I want to say the dad asked about the divorce hypothetically, but I’m not sure, because RD seemed to think it was a real offer.
Agreed with >>Posh: I don’t sympathize with Rainbow here. She seems to be instigating Crystal more than Crystal is—Crystal has some valid arguments. Now, both are, for lack of a better word, bitches towards each other, but Dash is moreso, and I couldn’t sympathise with either and I couldn’t get engaged. I could only sympathize with the dad, honestly. It also kept bothering me that the emotions expressed in this story just felt like general angst, which didn’t really interest me. It was expressed enough in dialogue to the point where I was like “yeah, I get it.”
Agreed that the ending doesn’t feel like a resolution, for the same reasons as Posh. There was some telliness in the narrative as well.
Agreed with most of the reviewers about the dream sequence at the beginning. I had no idea until I read other reviews. It read exactly like a flashback to me and less like a dream.
What bothers me is that this story is full of tropes. I’ve seen practically all the ideas portrayed in this story before—a child moving to a new home in a cookie-cutter suburban neighboorhood, a strict teacher asking a napping/distracted student a question and the snob trope answering it for her, loud music making her feel better until a parent figure unplugs it with concern for noise and they get in a fight, and so on—none of it felt particularly interesting except for the dad offering to divorce and then offering Dash her own place, but even then those seem like extreme measures. I want to say the dad asked about the divorce hypothetically, but I’m not sure, because RD seemed to think it was a real offer.
Agreed with >>Posh: I don’t sympathize with Rainbow here. She seems to be instigating Crystal more than Crystal is—Crystal has some valid arguments. Now, both are, for lack of a better word, bitches towards each other, but Dash is moreso, and I couldn’t sympathise with either and I couldn’t get engaged. I could only sympathize with the dad, honestly. It also kept bothering me that the emotions expressed in this story just felt like general angst, which didn’t really interest me. It was expressed enough in dialogue to the point where I was like “yeah, I get it.”
Agreed that the ending doesn’t feel like a resolution, for the same reasons as Posh. There was some telliness in the narrative as well.
I agree with >>FrontSevens; I definitely sympathize with Rainbow's Dad more than I do with Rainbow or Crystal. I definitely shared his "Can't you two at least try to get along?" opinions.
Like others have said, the solution here seems a bit extreme. This seems more like what a kid in Rainbow's position wishes would happen instead of what actually would happen.
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
Like others have said, the solution here seems a bit extreme. This seems more like what a kid in Rainbow's position wishes would happen instead of what actually would happen.
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
Pretty much agree with the above reviewers. Not bad, but not special, and it definitely feels like the story could have been more interesting if it started at the end, as >>Bad Horse suggested.
I did like the description of Dash brutalising Fluttershy's stuffed hippo, and Zephyr's cameo, though. Made me smile.
I did like the description of Dash brutalising Fluttershy's stuffed hippo, and Zephyr's cameo, though. Made me smile.
>>Posh >>Bad Horse >>FanOfMostEverything >>FrontSevens >>The_Letter_J >>Astrarian
Well, here we are.
A New Home
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
The common thread throughout most of these reviews seems to indicate disappointment in the ending. That it just sidesteps the issue, or needs to be expanded further beyond the scope of the story.
It means I didn't sell the ending properly. I already know what I can change in the story, mostly in the diner scene with Rainbow Dash's dad.
But otherwise, the ending is what it is meant to be. The story is supposed to end there, and the solution is the intended one.
Rainbow Dash doesn't want anything remotely resembling a mother figure in her life. Crystal Waters can't really respect that, and is kind of a bitch besides. Rainbow Dash isn't remotely mature enough to come to any sort of greater understanding or reconciliation on the issue. She probably won't be for a long time.
But personal issues are greatly exacerbated when two people have to live together. So the best solution to the problem, barring extensive family therapy, is time and distance. Rainbow Dash getting her own place addresses this in a way that's mutually beneficial to both parties.
Rainbow Dash gets to experience her independence, and can tolerate a step mom that isn't actively in her life. By the time she's in her mid twenties, I bet her and Crystal could even become friends.
The other common complaint was that Rainbow Dash lacked sympathy as a protagonist. Which was also intentional? She's a flawed person, young, and irrational. I wanted to play a complicated family situation where both parties are in the wrong. Ultimately, I suppose that's not everyone's cup of tea, and teenage angst doesn't seem to be a big seller in the writeoff market.
A few direct responses:
The_Letter_J
This was mostly to properly date the story as taking place Pre-Equestria girls 1, where Sunset is a bitch and a bully, and Rainbow Dash only has Fluttershy, and not the rest of her friends to back her up.
Bad Horse
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
Anyway, while I'm disappointed at the tepid reception, I already have plans to revise and post on fimfiction soon enough. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story (even if I got a lot of pity views due to low review count, since I seem to have gotten unlucky with slates). I wish you all good luck in this writeoff if you're still in it, and in writeoffs yet to come.
Well, here we are.
A New Home
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
The common thread throughout most of these reviews seems to indicate disappointment in the ending. That it just sidesteps the issue, or needs to be expanded further beyond the scope of the story.
It means I didn't sell the ending properly. I already know what I can change in the story, mostly in the diner scene with Rainbow Dash's dad.
But otherwise, the ending is what it is meant to be. The story is supposed to end there, and the solution is the intended one.
Rainbow Dash doesn't want anything remotely resembling a mother figure in her life. Crystal Waters can't really respect that, and is kind of a bitch besides. Rainbow Dash isn't remotely mature enough to come to any sort of greater understanding or reconciliation on the issue. She probably won't be for a long time.
But personal issues are greatly exacerbated when two people have to live together. So the best solution to the problem, barring extensive family therapy, is time and distance. Rainbow Dash getting her own place addresses this in a way that's mutually beneficial to both parties.
Rainbow Dash gets to experience her independence, and can tolerate a step mom that isn't actively in her life. By the time she's in her mid twenties, I bet her and Crystal could even become friends.
The other common complaint was that Rainbow Dash lacked sympathy as a protagonist. Which was also intentional? She's a flawed person, young, and irrational. I wanted to play a complicated family situation where both parties are in the wrong. Ultimately, I suppose that's not everyone's cup of tea, and teenage angst doesn't seem to be a big seller in the writeoff market.
A few direct responses:
The_Letter_J
The antagonism between Rainbow and Sunset at the beginning was misleading. It made me think that Rainbow's anger was directed at her, not at her stepmom. I suppose that might have been intentional, but I don't see the point.
This was mostly to properly date the story as taking place Pre-Equestria girls 1, where Sunset is a bitch and a bully, and Rainbow Dash only has Fluttershy, and not the rest of her friends to back her up.
Bad Horse
My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
Anyway, while I'm disappointed at the tepid reception, I already have plans to revise and post on fimfiction soon enough. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story (even if I got a lot of pity views due to low review count, since I seem to have gotten unlucky with slates). I wish you all good luck in this writeoff if you're still in it, and in writeoffs yet to come.
I have to say I don't understand the pretty universal comments on this one that there should have been some final resolution of Dash's relationship with her stepmother. While I think it does help to come to some sort of conclusion about it, I don't see why that means there has to be a resolution. Maybe they never progress past that point. It does smack of the reviewers trying to make the story go in a direction the author didn't want it to, and that's not really their prerogative to say so. That said, if they felt the story didn't have closure on anything, and this was what they were grasping at as the most likely candidate, then at least that's a possibility, but that's not how anyone phrased it. So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument, but I didn't see the final draft, so I don't know how it ultimately came across (and I didn't see the dream/flashback sequence people seemed to be complaining about, either). My major concerns were making sure the story did carry some sort of theme and the feeling that I didn't know enough about Crystal to make a judgment about her (I also felt more sympathetic toward her than Dash, but that's not necessarily a bad thing). But again, I don't get this mindset that the dispute between Crystal and Dash has to come to a resolution.
>>Oroboro
You're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I wasn't kidding when I praised this story for making me interested in source material that I'd otherwise have been turned off by. This didn't fall flat at all. It might not have gotten where you wanted it to go, but it's far from a failure.
I've learned a bit about your intentions with the story from reading your comments on it. From that, if I had to put this story's primary issue in a nutshell, it'd be this: You tried to have it both ways with Dash and her stepmother's conflict. You wanted Dash to come across as immature and stubborn, and apparently it was your intent for people to find her the less sympathetic of the two, but you also wanted Crystal to be - as you said - "a bitch". Besides losing her temper and yelling at Dash under very understandable circumstances, there's nothing that she does in the story to characterize her this way. I would understand if the intent was for Dash to just be immature and read negativity into every action Crystal takes, but apparently Crystal was also just supposed to be unlikable, and Rainbow Dash's immaturity and Crystal's bitchiness are mutually exclusive.
In short, if I didn't know from you telling me that Crystal is supposed to be "a bitch," and be "in the wrong," I would never have known at all just by reading the story. The only source we have on that in the story is an unreliable narrator with severe mommy issues.
I think it also raises the question of why Rainbow Dad, who is willing to divorce this woman to ensure his daughter's happiness, would even marry her in the first place if this personality conflict is so insurmountable. I know that this is a thing that single parents do from time to time, but his primary concern seems to be Rainbow Dash's happiness, so putting his own love for the woman above his daughter's emotional needs in the first place... That is at odds with his character.
And maybe you don't want to tell that story, and that is of course your right. But would you mind if I did? Reading and critiquing this story got me brainstorming about ways to continue it, and I have a partial idea for a follow-up.
>>Pascoite
Pascoite? More like Pasco-no-u-didn't.
I had the idea for this fic months ago. It struck me hard, and I had the whole thing outlined in my head almost instantly. But the short story ponyfic was three writeoffs away. I decided to hold onto it until then, and was really excited to finally get it out onto paper. The prompt even fit pretty well without any shoehorning. I wrote it fast, then took advantage of Pascoite's offer of editing and got lucky, as well as getting my brother to edit so this story could be polished to a shine.
And it seems to have fallen completely flat. [insert proverb about properly managing expectations.]
You're being unnecessarily harsh on yourself. I wasn't kidding when I praised this story for making me interested in source material that I'd otherwise have been turned off by. This didn't fall flat at all. It might not have gotten where you wanted it to go, but it's far from a failure.
I've learned a bit about your intentions with the story from reading your comments on it. From that, if I had to put this story's primary issue in a nutshell, it'd be this: You tried to have it both ways with Dash and her stepmother's conflict. You wanted Dash to come across as immature and stubborn, and apparently it was your intent for people to find her the less sympathetic of the two, but you also wanted Crystal to be - as you said - "a bitch". Besides losing her temper and yelling at Dash under very understandable circumstances, there's nothing that she does in the story to characterize her this way. I would understand if the intent was for Dash to just be immature and read negativity into every action Crystal takes, but apparently Crystal was also just supposed to be unlikable, and Rainbow Dash's immaturity and Crystal's bitchiness are mutually exclusive.
In short, if I didn't know from you telling me that Crystal is supposed to be "a bitch," and be "in the wrong," I would never have known at all just by reading the story. The only source we have on that in the story is an unreliable narrator with severe mommy issues.
I think it also raises the question of why Rainbow Dad, who is willing to divorce this woman to ensure his daughter's happiness, would even marry her in the first place if this personality conflict is so insurmountable. I know that this is a thing that single parents do from time to time, but his primary concern seems to be Rainbow Dash's happiness, so putting his own love for the woman above his daughter's emotional needs in the first place... That is at odds with his character.
This would just be an entirely different story. =/
And maybe you don't want to tell that story, and that is of course your right. But would you mind if I did? Reading and critiquing this story got me brainstorming about ways to continue it, and I have a partial idea for a follow-up.
>>Pascoite
So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument,
Pascoite? More like Pasco-no-u-didn't.
>>Pascoite
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest." But we're not reviewers. We're writers helping other writers. We've been calling these "reviews", but they're really critiques. The default here should be to say what you would say to someone if you were critiquing their story in a writing group, or if you were editing their story, not if you were writing a book review. If a story editor or someone in my writing group had an idea for a different direction or a different ending for my story, I'd expect them to tell me.
(I know that a lot of writers prefer only to be told what isn't working and not how to fix it. IMHO, that's because they're wusses.)
Maybe they never progress past that point. It does smack of the reviewers trying to make the story go in a direction the author didn't want it to, and that's not really their prerogative to say so.... So I'm a little surprised at seeing people who are usually good reviewers playing a "this is how you needed to wrap things up" argument,
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest." But we're not reviewers. We're writers helping other writers. We've been calling these "reviews", but they're really critiques. The default here should be to say what you would say to someone if you were critiquing their story in a writing group, or if you were editing their story, not if you were writing a book review. If a story editor or someone in my writing group had an idea for a different direction or a different ending for my story, I'd expect them to tell me.
(I know that a lot of writers prefer only to be told what isn't working and not how to fix it. IMHO, that's because they're wusses.)
>>Bad Horse
Huck Finn already has a love interest. His name is Tom Sawyer.
Someone writing a book review of Huckleberry Finn for the New York Times shouldn't say, "I think this story would've been stronger with a love interest."
Huck Finn already has a love interest. His name is Tom Sawyer.
I read this story in the prelim round but didn't comment on it. I thought I had nothing new to add, since everyone else already brought up what I was going to say.
but it wasn't about the conclusion, because I didn't find it odd at all. It's a teenage angst story, they're supposed to end like that! most of the problems and drama don't get resolved, but the main character is able to grow up a little. of course she's not gonna patch things up with her stepmom right away, that's for sitcom families.
though I do think the final scene should be more vivid to bring out the catharsis. "after a long night of just enjoying her freedom," "listening to the sounds of her new house" ... it needs more, it just doesn't feel empty yet. instead of action (or lack of action) we get a lot of Dash's inner thoughts.
what I did agree with everyone else, is that Dash is being too bratty. I'm not saying to make her a goody good girl scout, but in a teenage story like this, I think she needs a few moments of positivity. a chance to show off her awesomeness, so we'll still sympathize with her even while we think she's being immature.
but it wasn't about the conclusion, because I didn't find it odd at all. It's a teenage angst story, they're supposed to end like that! most of the problems and drama don't get resolved, but the main character is able to grow up a little. of course she's not gonna patch things up with her stepmom right away, that's for sitcom families.
though I do think the final scene should be more vivid to bring out the catharsis. "after a long night of just enjoying her freedom," "listening to the sounds of her new house" ... it needs more, it just doesn't feel empty yet. instead of action (or lack of action) we get a lot of Dash's inner thoughts.
what I did agree with everyone else, is that Dash is being too bratty. I'm not saying to make her a goody good girl scout, but in a teenage story like this, I think she needs a few moments of positivity. a chance to show off her awesomeness, so we'll still sympathize with her even while we think she's being immature.
>>Haze
I don't think she does, though. The way it came across to me is that a brat throws a tantrum and gets what she wants, without any concern for how much it costs her dad. I found it disturbing. The resolution I got was "Of course she's such a brat, if she has a dad who rolls over for her like that."
The bit with the corn start was very creative, BTW.
the main character is able to grow up a little
I don't think she does, though. The way it came across to me is that a brat throws a tantrum and gets what she wants, without any concern for how much it costs her dad. I found it disturbing. The resolution I got was "Of course she's such a brat, if she has a dad who rolls over for her like that."
The bit with the corn start was very creative, BTW.
>>Bad Horse
this is valid.
truthfully, I was close to saying that too, but gave the author the benefit of the doubt. yet that's not a good sign...
I think that the concept was fine, just the execution caused a lot of misreading of the story's intentions. the last scene was too "telly" and rushes through an important day. it feels like the epilogue instead of the epiphany. and if it's the epilogue, then Dash's dad providing her with an escape must surely be the climax. hrmm, this is a problem.
this is valid.
truthfully, I was close to saying that too, but gave the author the benefit of the doubt. yet that's not a good sign...
I think that the concept was fine, just the execution caused a lot of misreading of the story's intentions. the last scene was too "telly" and rushes through an important day. it feels like the epilogue instead of the epiphany. and if it's the epilogue, then Dash's dad providing her with an escape must surely be the climax. hrmm, this is a problem.
I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meters of Rainbow Dash and Crystal. Just a few points in Crystal's favor on the Relative Bitch Scale transforms the dynamic from "incompatible living situation" to "emotional abuse" which then reflects poorly on the dad for allowing it to happen for so long.
I have a few changes in mind to rebalance this somewhat, but it's very delicate.
I have a few changes in mind to rebalance this somewhat, but it's very delicate.
Can I just point out that I'm deeply surprised Shut Up didn't crack the top fifteen? I know it wasn't my cup of tea, but it certainly had a lot of merit, and from the discourse surrounding it, I thought it would have done much better than it did.
So, Mr. Unpleasant Horse-Man, on behalf of all decent people everywhere, I am very sorry. Please don't get discouraged; I'd be happy to plug your story on FIMfic if you ever decide to post it there.
>>Oroboro
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
In which case, what was the point of this entire enterprise?
So, Mr. Unpleasant Horse-Man, on behalf of all decent people everywhere, I am very sorry. Please don't get discouraged; I'd be happy to plug your story on FIMfic if you ever decide to post it there.
>>Oroboro
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
In which case, what was the point of this entire enterprise?
>>Posh
I said that I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meter, not that I wasn't going to do it at all. I know what changes I need to make and I plan to make them. I just need to be careful about it because it's very easy to go too far in the other direction, which would muddle the point I'm trying to get across.
I screwed up the balance, I get that. That means I'm going to try harder, not give it up entirely.
Look, no offense, but it feels like you're ignoring and/or dismissing the criticism you've gotten. There's near-unanimous consent regarding the story's major narrative flaws, but rather than looking for ways to revise based on that criticism, you're skating around it.
I said that I'm wary of adjusting the sympathy meter, not that I wasn't going to do it at all. I know what changes I need to make and I plan to make them. I just need to be careful about it because it's very easy to go too far in the other direction, which would muddle the point I'm trying to get across.
I screwed up the balance, I get that. That means I'm going to try harder, not give it up entirely.