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My Little Fentsie
Another day, another dollar. The time-reader made its audible bleep, and he sighed as card was placed into the slot to await another day, another shift. Another 8 hours working as a fry cook. A wholly dissatisfying career…but at least it paid the bills.
That is, if one could call living in a rat’s nest of an apartment in crime-ridden half-downtown a ‘life’. He sure didn’t think so. His family was gone from his life - but even if they were present, what would it matter? Instead of 8 hours of high school, it was 8 hours of flipping burgers. Nothing changed. Everything the same.
Boots squelched as he trod along the rain-soaked roads. A wash of water sprayed across his coat, soaking into clothing as careless driver swiped the gutter. He sighed. Nothing new about that. Nobody in this town seemed to have an ounce of human kindness. At this point? At this point, he wasn’t sure why he went on.
Life was drudgery. Day in and day out, it was the same. Work. TV. Crappy microwave dinner. Sleep. Repeat.
At least the walk was not too long. That was some small comfort - living near work. Soon enough, door opened. Shut. Rain boots tossed aside. Old fridge opened, cheap beer drawn out, the soft hiss of carbonation as tap was clicked when the doorbell rang.
As he pushed open the door, he saw no one. That is, until a noise below him caught his attention. Looking down, he saw a sweet, adorable baby creature, soaked to the bone from the rain, its tiny claws clutching the swiftly disintegrating cardboard box it laid in. He didn’t know what it was...a cat? A dragon? Cat horse dragon? But its glowing eyes were friendly and he smiled. “I’ll name you...Kefentse.”
It was funny how much things could change in a year, he found himself musing. Ever since Kefentse had arrived in his life, life itself had lost that squalid quality in which everything was pure misery. The small dragon-cat-pony had somehow brought with a renewed joy in even the simplest parts of life. Shredded wheat? It went from ‘Endless source of cheap breakfast’ to delightful morning experience as the young filly’s growing fangs bit greedily into the endless source of sustenance. She never tired of her wheat, and he found himself enjoying it far more with her by his side.
Indeed, each look into her iridescent, shimmering bright green eyes seemed to give him something new to smile about. With most children, that first time they found a mouse in your apartment was a reason for the adults to shriek and yell and complain loudly to the landlord.
Not so his dear little Fentsie. The first time she saw a mouse, she had shrieked with glee, and her little hoof-paws had scrabbled across the unkempt tile floor, scoring new furrows into the covering, and she had pounced and sank her fangs into the unsuspecting mouse!
She had looked so proud, her muzzle stretched wide in a ghoulish smile as she chewed upon the mouse. The mouse, on the other hoof, had rapidly departed this mortal coil, but so such things went. It was simply the way of the world, really.
It wasn’t just home life, either. The smile he received each time he admired her bright cerulean hair or vivid neon striping upon ebony coat, the childish glee with which she took in each new simple discovery, the way she never made the same mistake twice - it led to a fresh spring in his step, and it turned out that was noticed at work. His new attitude led to new opportunities, first as an assistant manager, then as a manager, and then to a new job in home web design when an idle comment to a customer led to one opportunity which became two, four, and soon enough he had quit the dreary job, had re-dedicated himself to spending his days upon the internet.
Yet no more was he simply hunched over his computer playing games or trawling less savory sites to satisfy base physical pleasures! No! Now he toiled to bring prosperity to himself and Kefentse. Each new happy client more business, more chances for the pair to improve their lives.
And improve it did.
In her first year he had often thought about keeping Kefentse hidden from the world. Indeed, he had been working upon a plan - save up enough money to relocate to the country, perhaps buy a farm or townhouse or cabin where nobody was around for miles, teach Fentsie to swoop and soar about on her majestic bat wings, let her become the brilliant terror of the night. Oh, what a dream it was! She would have shown the bats how it was done and brought an end to endless centipedes, mice, and small children wandering too far from their campsite to go to the bathroom.
It was not to be! He had been terrified to come home one day only to find the door ajar. To find the hallway bearing claw marks, and indeed small puffs of ash from where Fentsie had no doubt exercised her nascent fire breath she was developing. Such a precocious bat-cat-dragon-horse she was!
Yet ‘pon rushing down, upon following the trail, he found her instead cooing and bouncing happily in the lap of one of his neighbors. He could still recall the woman fussing over Fentsie, singing Pattycake and other nonsense rhymes to her.
“What a dear little girl!” she had exclaimed, “But oh, she must be lonely! You simply must send her to nursery school!”
“But -” he had started, “But she’s not a registered and fully legal citizen of these great states! There are laws about this sort of thing, and I do not even know where her home is, and if they wish to deport her -”
“Oh, posh!” she had retorted, “If it comes to that, we will deal with it. I’ll have you know I was a lawyer before I retired. I’ve never lost a case. Dear Fentsie is safe with me.”
“...How do you know her name?”
“Kah! F...fuh...fen! S...suh...see!” the young one had cheerfully piped up.
“Well. That answers that. She can talk, it seems. Wait, you can talk?!”
And so the next era in Kefentse’s life began. Humans were afraid of the strange and different - but Kefentse charmed them all at first glance. There was just something so very disarming about her smile, about how when she was upset she’d first hiss, then roar, and then potentially burn down the building she was in.
That only happened once, though. Well, twice if you counted the playground shed. She apologized each time, however, and promised never to do it again (Without a good and proper reason, such as to start a backfire to defend against out of control illegal arson from spreading too far), and true to her word, Kefentse stayed a model of good behavior, and the other children and instructors flocked to her.
Not only was she sweet and kind and quick to leap to fierce defense of her friends against bullies, she was most precocious as well! He had been so proud when she had brought home her first grade art project. While the other students were busy doing macaroni portraits, she had instead derived a new method of solving Fermat’s Last Theorem while absently doodling upon notebook.
None of them had realized it at the time. That would come years later - no, in the moment he had been proud because she had also drawn a picture of her smiling and holding her claw in his hand, ‘Me and Daddy’ written in cheery red crayon beneath the portrait. It hung on the refrigerator immediately, and there it would remain till a visiting mathematics professor saw her childish numerological ramblings and deciphered the significance behind them!
She was already president of her class - and at age 9, soon became the youngest-ever recipient of the prestigious Fields medal in mathematics, for this new way of looking at Fermat led to all sorts of other notable discoveries!
Kefentse had moved on from math, though! No, her passion had become soccer! And flying. And soccer. Everyone agreed that since there was nothing in the rules prohibiting flying, as long as she didn’t use her wings to touch the ball her aerial hoof and head juggles were legal. This led to all sorts of full-field plays as she bounced the ball ever higher, swooping above the heads of the other players until smacking it into the goal!
They took home the state championship 3 years running, with the last game of the last match a stunning 122-1 (Kefentse was taking a rest break to suck on orange peels when the other team had scored, and she always felt it sporting to let the other team score at least once.)
Chivalrous, smart, popular - there was nothing his dear little Fentsie touched that couldn’t turn to gold! Quite literally, in fact, as they had found one day when monetary woes had afflicted them and her heretofore unrevealed alchemical content manifested when the broken-down old car suddenly became a massive block of shining gold bullion.
Shortly after that, he and Kefentse moved to a new house in the suburbs. Yet that didn’t last too long - it was off to New York City for her to join the daytime talk show circuit at the age of twelve, where quite rapidly she became a national sensation. She would give deceptively simple advice - statements such as ‘Just do it!’ and ‘Have you tried turning it off and on again?’ were plumbed for every bit of hidden wisdom, and on the eve of her 16th birthday a groundswell of popular support (And a quick Constitutional Amendment) swept Kefentse into public office. Not only was she the youngest-ever, but also the first non-human President!
But everyone agreed Kefentse was smart and brave and beautiful and America experienced unbridled prosperity and only six months into her term she was also appointed Secretary General of the United Nations and thus began to unify the previously disparate nations into one wide cohesive whole. All over the world, humanity came together beneath their beloved bat-dragon-pony-cat-lizard overmare, solving each other’s problems and renewing the space program and combating morning breath all at once!
But like all good things, Kefentse’s time on Earth could not last forever. For it would turn out she had a dark, tragic backstory - one that would reveal itself the day Princess Celestia darkened the doorstep of the Presidential Mansion/Waterpark. The day she came to Fentsie’s beloved father to speak.
“Your daughter is wanted for her many crimes against Equestria,” said Princess Celestia. “Though she may seem but a normal child to you, she in fact is wanted for many, many crimes. She does not remember them because there was a memory charm but -”
“No! Not my Fentsie! She is too sweet and innocent! She would never commit crimes, not even on her home world that we have never heard of till now despite its more than passing resemblance to an old children’s cartoon I fell in love with back when I was lonely and depressed and the world was but dreary darkness and all was grey and melancholy!”
“Oh, Father!” said Kefentse, “It is okay! It shall be okay! I shall go with the Princess, for this represents a new world in which I might make friends. I am certain this misunderstanding shall be cleared up at once!”
At that, Celestia touched her horn to Kefentse’s, truly awakening the young draconybrabat’s magic for the first time ever, and the power unleashed was so great it blew a hole in the roof of the mansion and accidentally shattered her horn - yet when the dust was settled, Earth was gone.
“Welcome to Equestria,” Celestia said, as they stood upon a wide flat plain with a forest nearby and a mountain in the distance and a city upon that mountain. “My guards will now arrest you for your many crimes.”
“Oh, Princess!” Kefentse bemoaned, for now her true memories had returned, “I do not know how many times I must say that this is but a cruel misunderstanding! That I have been framed by somepony who is simply out to get me! I promise upon the love of my mother Zecora, my father Spike, my other mother Rarity, and my beloved nerdy human father who I shall never see again : I did not take a slice of your cake!”
But Celestia was blinded by treachery, and by hunger, and Kefentse found her only recourse was to flee into the dark Everfree Forest, to lose the guardsponies amidst the hydras and timberwolves, and there to conceal herself and stare longingly once more at an Equestria she still somehow could not fit in, and longingly remember Earth, and the humans who had understood her true desire to make friends and bring about a better life for all! Someday, though - someday, Kefentse, no - Fentsie, as her father had called her, her father who she would surely someday see again - someday, Kefentse would have true friends in Equestria. But until that day she would wander, seeking a home with which she could fit in.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, without Kefentse’s guiding hoof nuclear war rapidly ensued and turned the planet into an uninhabitable wasteland. The End.
That is, if one could call living in a rat’s nest of an apartment in crime-ridden half-downtown a ‘life’. He sure didn’t think so. His family was gone from his life - but even if they were present, what would it matter? Instead of 8 hours of high school, it was 8 hours of flipping burgers. Nothing changed. Everything the same.
Boots squelched as he trod along the rain-soaked roads. A wash of water sprayed across his coat, soaking into clothing as careless driver swiped the gutter. He sighed. Nothing new about that. Nobody in this town seemed to have an ounce of human kindness. At this point? At this point, he wasn’t sure why he went on.
Life was drudgery. Day in and day out, it was the same. Work. TV. Crappy microwave dinner. Sleep. Repeat.
At least the walk was not too long. That was some small comfort - living near work. Soon enough, door opened. Shut. Rain boots tossed aside. Old fridge opened, cheap beer drawn out, the soft hiss of carbonation as tap was clicked when the doorbell rang.
As he pushed open the door, he saw no one. That is, until a noise below him caught his attention. Looking down, he saw a sweet, adorable baby creature, soaked to the bone from the rain, its tiny claws clutching the swiftly disintegrating cardboard box it laid in. He didn’t know what it was...a cat? A dragon? Cat horse dragon? But its glowing eyes were friendly and he smiled. “I’ll name you...Kefentse.”
It was funny how much things could change in a year, he found himself musing. Ever since Kefentse had arrived in his life, life itself had lost that squalid quality in which everything was pure misery. The small dragon-cat-pony had somehow brought with a renewed joy in even the simplest parts of life. Shredded wheat? It went from ‘Endless source of cheap breakfast’ to delightful morning experience as the young filly’s growing fangs bit greedily into the endless source of sustenance. She never tired of her wheat, and he found himself enjoying it far more with her by his side.
Indeed, each look into her iridescent, shimmering bright green eyes seemed to give him something new to smile about. With most children, that first time they found a mouse in your apartment was a reason for the adults to shriek and yell and complain loudly to the landlord.
Not so his dear little Fentsie. The first time she saw a mouse, she had shrieked with glee, and her little hoof-paws had scrabbled across the unkempt tile floor, scoring new furrows into the covering, and she had pounced and sank her fangs into the unsuspecting mouse!
She had looked so proud, her muzzle stretched wide in a ghoulish smile as she chewed upon the mouse. The mouse, on the other hoof, had rapidly departed this mortal coil, but so such things went. It was simply the way of the world, really.
It wasn’t just home life, either. The smile he received each time he admired her bright cerulean hair or vivid neon striping upon ebony coat, the childish glee with which she took in each new simple discovery, the way she never made the same mistake twice - it led to a fresh spring in his step, and it turned out that was noticed at work. His new attitude led to new opportunities, first as an assistant manager, then as a manager, and then to a new job in home web design when an idle comment to a customer led to one opportunity which became two, four, and soon enough he had quit the dreary job, had re-dedicated himself to spending his days upon the internet.
Yet no more was he simply hunched over his computer playing games or trawling less savory sites to satisfy base physical pleasures! No! Now he toiled to bring prosperity to himself and Kefentse. Each new happy client more business, more chances for the pair to improve their lives.
And improve it did.
In her first year he had often thought about keeping Kefentse hidden from the world. Indeed, he had been working upon a plan - save up enough money to relocate to the country, perhaps buy a farm or townhouse or cabin where nobody was around for miles, teach Fentsie to swoop and soar about on her majestic bat wings, let her become the brilliant terror of the night. Oh, what a dream it was! She would have shown the bats how it was done and brought an end to endless centipedes, mice, and small children wandering too far from their campsite to go to the bathroom.
It was not to be! He had been terrified to come home one day only to find the door ajar. To find the hallway bearing claw marks, and indeed small puffs of ash from where Fentsie had no doubt exercised her nascent fire breath she was developing. Such a precocious bat-cat-dragon-horse she was!
Yet ‘pon rushing down, upon following the trail, he found her instead cooing and bouncing happily in the lap of one of his neighbors. He could still recall the woman fussing over Fentsie, singing Pattycake and other nonsense rhymes to her.
“What a dear little girl!” she had exclaimed, “But oh, she must be lonely! You simply must send her to nursery school!”
“But -” he had started, “But she’s not a registered and fully legal citizen of these great states! There are laws about this sort of thing, and I do not even know where her home is, and if they wish to deport her -”
“Oh, posh!” she had retorted, “If it comes to that, we will deal with it. I’ll have you know I was a lawyer before I retired. I’ve never lost a case. Dear Fentsie is safe with me.”
“...How do you know her name?”
“Kah! F...fuh...fen! S...suh...see!” the young one had cheerfully piped up.
“Well. That answers that. She can talk, it seems. Wait, you can talk?!”
And so the next era in Kefentse’s life began. Humans were afraid of the strange and different - but Kefentse charmed them all at first glance. There was just something so very disarming about her smile, about how when she was upset she’d first hiss, then roar, and then potentially burn down the building she was in.
That only happened once, though. Well, twice if you counted the playground shed. She apologized each time, however, and promised never to do it again (Without a good and proper reason, such as to start a backfire to defend against out of control illegal arson from spreading too far), and true to her word, Kefentse stayed a model of good behavior, and the other children and instructors flocked to her.
Not only was she sweet and kind and quick to leap to fierce defense of her friends against bullies, she was most precocious as well! He had been so proud when she had brought home her first grade art project. While the other students were busy doing macaroni portraits, she had instead derived a new method of solving Fermat’s Last Theorem while absently doodling upon notebook.
None of them had realized it at the time. That would come years later - no, in the moment he had been proud because she had also drawn a picture of her smiling and holding her claw in his hand, ‘Me and Daddy’ written in cheery red crayon beneath the portrait. It hung on the refrigerator immediately, and there it would remain till a visiting mathematics professor saw her childish numerological ramblings and deciphered the significance behind them!
She was already president of her class - and at age 9, soon became the youngest-ever recipient of the prestigious Fields medal in mathematics, for this new way of looking at Fermat led to all sorts of other notable discoveries!
Kefentse had moved on from math, though! No, her passion had become soccer! And flying. And soccer. Everyone agreed that since there was nothing in the rules prohibiting flying, as long as she didn’t use her wings to touch the ball her aerial hoof and head juggles were legal. This led to all sorts of full-field plays as she bounced the ball ever higher, swooping above the heads of the other players until smacking it into the goal!
They took home the state championship 3 years running, with the last game of the last match a stunning 122-1 (Kefentse was taking a rest break to suck on orange peels when the other team had scored, and she always felt it sporting to let the other team score at least once.)
Chivalrous, smart, popular - there was nothing his dear little Fentsie touched that couldn’t turn to gold! Quite literally, in fact, as they had found one day when monetary woes had afflicted them and her heretofore unrevealed alchemical content manifested when the broken-down old car suddenly became a massive block of shining gold bullion.
Shortly after that, he and Kefentse moved to a new house in the suburbs. Yet that didn’t last too long - it was off to New York City for her to join the daytime talk show circuit at the age of twelve, where quite rapidly she became a national sensation. She would give deceptively simple advice - statements such as ‘Just do it!’ and ‘Have you tried turning it off and on again?’ were plumbed for every bit of hidden wisdom, and on the eve of her 16th birthday a groundswell of popular support (And a quick Constitutional Amendment) swept Kefentse into public office. Not only was she the youngest-ever, but also the first non-human President!
But everyone agreed Kefentse was smart and brave and beautiful and America experienced unbridled prosperity and only six months into her term she was also appointed Secretary General of the United Nations and thus began to unify the previously disparate nations into one wide cohesive whole. All over the world, humanity came together beneath their beloved bat-dragon-pony-cat-lizard overmare, solving each other’s problems and renewing the space program and combating morning breath all at once!
But like all good things, Kefentse’s time on Earth could not last forever. For it would turn out she had a dark, tragic backstory - one that would reveal itself the day Princess Celestia darkened the doorstep of the Presidential Mansion/Waterpark. The day she came to Fentsie’s beloved father to speak.
“Your daughter is wanted for her many crimes against Equestria,” said Princess Celestia. “Though she may seem but a normal child to you, she in fact is wanted for many, many crimes. She does not remember them because there was a memory charm but -”
“No! Not my Fentsie! She is too sweet and innocent! She would never commit crimes, not even on her home world that we have never heard of till now despite its more than passing resemblance to an old children’s cartoon I fell in love with back when I was lonely and depressed and the world was but dreary darkness and all was grey and melancholy!”
“Oh, Father!” said Kefentse, “It is okay! It shall be okay! I shall go with the Princess, for this represents a new world in which I might make friends. I am certain this misunderstanding shall be cleared up at once!”
At that, Celestia touched her horn to Kefentse’s, truly awakening the young draconybrabat’s magic for the first time ever, and the power unleashed was so great it blew a hole in the roof of the mansion and accidentally shattered her horn - yet when the dust was settled, Earth was gone.
“Welcome to Equestria,” Celestia said, as they stood upon a wide flat plain with a forest nearby and a mountain in the distance and a city upon that mountain. “My guards will now arrest you for your many crimes.”
“Oh, Princess!” Kefentse bemoaned, for now her true memories had returned, “I do not know how many times I must say that this is but a cruel misunderstanding! That I have been framed by somepony who is simply out to get me! I promise upon the love of my mother Zecora, my father Spike, my other mother Rarity, and my beloved nerdy human father who I shall never see again : I did not take a slice of your cake!”
But Celestia was blinded by treachery, and by hunger, and Kefentse found her only recourse was to flee into the dark Everfree Forest, to lose the guardsponies amidst the hydras and timberwolves, and there to conceal herself and stare longingly once more at an Equestria she still somehow could not fit in, and longingly remember Earth, and the humans who had understood her true desire to make friends and bring about a better life for all! Someday, though - someday, Kefentse, no - Fentsie, as her father had called her, her father who she would surely someday see again - someday, Kefentse would have true friends in Equestria. But until that day she would wander, seeking a home with which she could fit in.
Meanwhile, back on Earth, without Kefentse’s guiding hoof nuclear war rapidly ensued and turned the planet into an uninhabitable wasteland. The End.
Getting back into the reviewing game. Here goes nothing!
Another story, another opening line. Not a great hook, since it’s a cliché line. This (and the scene that follows) gives me the impression this story will be quite ordinary.
There were missing articles [soaking into clothing as careless driver swiped the gutter], which made me think they were grammar errors, but I realize this could be third person limited POV from a Russian’s perspective (considering he gave the pony a Russian-sounding name). If that’s the case, I think more missing “the”s and “a”s would make it more obvious. Otherwise, they look like typos.
However, even though it’s third person limited POV, there’s this: [The mouse, on the other hoof,]. Like, why wouldn’t he say “the other hand” if he’s a human?
This seems almost like a parody of My Little Dashie, both from how quickly Kerfentse turns this man’s life around from extreme tedium to extreme happiness and good fortune, but also from this line: [Indeed, he had been working upon a plan - save up enough money to relocate to the country, perhaps buy a farm or townhouse or cabin where nobody was around for miles]. It gets progressively more ridiculous as… okay, yeah, this is a parody. xP
I’m a fan of the ridiculous. This is pretty ridiculous, and some of the jokes really work for me, but it’s a bit too overplayed in places for my taste. I don’t think this is a particularly creative parody of My Little Dashie—once it passes the point of being a serious story, the Mary Sue-ness of Kerfentse isn’t quite as surprising, and the overplayed jokes don’t help. But, it does what it sets out to do and it’s a decent comedy.
Looking back at the opening, I’d appreciate a joke or two to signal that the author recognizes how dull and cliché the opening is, because it’s played straight and it just gave me the impression I’d be in for a dull story.
And now I even see it in the title--My Little Fentsie. I'm a dumbus. XoX
Another day, another dollar.
Another story, another opening line. Not a great hook, since it’s a cliché line. This (and the scene that follows) gives me the impression this story will be quite ordinary.
There were missing articles [soaking into clothing as careless driver swiped the gutter], which made me think they were grammar errors, but I realize this could be third person limited POV from a Russian’s perspective (considering he gave the pony a Russian-sounding name). If that’s the case, I think more missing “the”s and “a”s would make it more obvious. Otherwise, they look like typos.
However, even though it’s third person limited POV, there’s this: [The mouse, on the other hoof,]. Like, why wouldn’t he say “the other hand” if he’s a human?
This seems almost like a parody of My Little Dashie, both from how quickly Kerfentse turns this man’s life around from extreme tedium to extreme happiness and good fortune, but also from this line: [Indeed, he had been working upon a plan - save up enough money to relocate to the country, perhaps buy a farm or townhouse or cabin where nobody was around for miles]. It gets progressively more ridiculous as… okay, yeah, this is a parody. xP
I’m a fan of the ridiculous. This is pretty ridiculous, and some of the jokes really work for me, but it’s a bit too overplayed in places for my taste. I don’t think this is a particularly creative parody of My Little Dashie—once it passes the point of being a serious story, the Mary Sue-ness of Kerfentse isn’t quite as surprising, and the overplayed jokes don’t help. But, it does what it sets out to do and it’s a decent comedy.
Looking back at the opening, I’d appreciate a joke or two to signal that the author recognizes how dull and cliché the opening is, because it’s played straight and it just gave me the impression I’d be in for a dull story.
And now I even see it in the title--My Little Fentsie. I'm a dumbus. XoX
>>FrontSevens
I haven't read this story yet and I might not for a while, but wanted to jump in to provide some context based on the name-drop in your review: Kefentse is the meant-to-be-ridiculous super-Mary-Sue OC from the card game "Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder".
[img]http://66.media.tumblr.com/29e23dc2a7b053eaac889b16f5618140/tumblr_inline_nfizc9nlcN1qdybq6.png[/img]
(roger give us img tags plz)
I haven't read this story yet and I might not for a while, but wanted to jump in to provide some context based on the name-drop in your review: Kefentse is the meant-to-be-ridiculous super-Mary-Sue OC from the card game "Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder".
[img]http://66.media.tumblr.com/29e23dc2a7b053eaac889b16f5618140/tumblr_inline_nfizc9nlcN1qdybq6.png[/img]
![[img]http://66.media.tumblr.com/29e23dc2a7b053eaac889b16f5618140/tumblr_inline_nfizc9nlcN1qdybq6.png[/img]](http://66.media.tumblr.com/29e23dc2a7b053eaac889b16f5618140/tumblr_inline_nfizc9nlcN1qdybq6.png){kind=link}
(roger give us img tags plz)
Okay okay, this is short and you've got my curiosity up, so I'm sneaking in a quick read before I start my slate.
And what I'm finding is a story that could definitely use some tune-up, but one that I enjoyed for all that. It definitely hits with some twists — dear sweet Kefentse messily killing a mouse, the lawyer neighbor, the Fields medal — and if that level of writing/absurdity were consistent throughout, this would easily be strong. My big complaint is that this feels like it's on a much slower burn than a comedic takedown ought to be.
The entire opening scene, for example, pretty much plays Dashie straight. There's a big contrast between the deliberately uninteresting narrator/opening and the later insanity of (say) Kefentse becoming elected President as a nonhuman teenager, and contrast is good, but you're opening with a full scene of deliberately dull and that's leaving your hook unbaited when you most desperately want the reader to bite. Since it's clear you don't mind this being a satire of Dashie, one way to accomplish that might be to turn Dashie's elements up to 11 — have him work at a literal boredom factory, maybe, making featureless grey cubes? Have him walk past a literal murder-in-progress on his way home that he does absolutely nothing about except for lament how cruel people in the city are? The thing is, Dashie is the fandom's most-read story and you can basically assume that your audience knows beat-by-beat how it goes, so any time you're simply retelling Dashie instead of brutally twisting it is dead time in your story that gives the audience nothing new.
Kefentse, on the other hand, is a popular OC from a fanon product that not everyone's going to know about. It might be worth it to lavish some description on her in the first scene (and maybe to crack a cheap joke about how the narrator was expecting a pony in a box because reasons), and start up front with a clear description to establish the sheer absurdity of the character. You end up telling us about her appearance piece by piece, which is an admirable alternative but again leaves the first scene empty.
This has also got a curious case of exclamation point abuse, which (I just checked) isn't a reflection of the story you're parodying, and I'm really not certain what they add.
I guess the big takeaway here is: for a straight-up parody like this, escalate early, escalate often. When you raise the absurdity level here (e.g. random Midas touch) it fires on all cylinders, but there's a fair amount of dead space between laughs.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
And what I'm finding is a story that could definitely use some tune-up, but one that I enjoyed for all that. It definitely hits with some twists — dear sweet Kefentse messily killing a mouse, the lawyer neighbor, the Fields medal — and if that level of writing/absurdity were consistent throughout, this would easily be strong. My big complaint is that this feels like it's on a much slower burn than a comedic takedown ought to be.
The entire opening scene, for example, pretty much plays Dashie straight. There's a big contrast between the deliberately uninteresting narrator/opening and the later insanity of (say) Kefentse becoming elected President as a nonhuman teenager, and contrast is good, but you're opening with a full scene of deliberately dull and that's leaving your hook unbaited when you most desperately want the reader to bite. Since it's clear you don't mind this being a satire of Dashie, one way to accomplish that might be to turn Dashie's elements up to 11 — have him work at a literal boredom factory, maybe, making featureless grey cubes? Have him walk past a literal murder-in-progress on his way home that he does absolutely nothing about except for lament how cruel people in the city are? The thing is, Dashie is the fandom's most-read story and you can basically assume that your audience knows beat-by-beat how it goes, so any time you're simply retelling Dashie instead of brutally twisting it is dead time in your story that gives the audience nothing new.
Kefentse, on the other hand, is a popular OC from a fanon product that not everyone's going to know about. It might be worth it to lavish some description on her in the first scene (and maybe to crack a cheap joke about how the narrator was expecting a pony in a box because reasons), and start up front with a clear description to establish the sheer absurdity of the character. You end up telling us about her appearance piece by piece, which is an admirable alternative but again leaves the first scene empty.
This has also got a curious case of exclamation point abuse, which (I just checked) isn't a reflection of the story you're parodying, and I'm really not certain what they add.
I guess the big takeaway here is: for a straight-up parody like this, escalate early, escalate often. When you raise the absurdity level here (e.g. random Midas touch) it fires on all cylinders, but there's a fair amount of dead space between laughs.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
>>horizon
I do appreciate the context here, so thank you :>
That being said, author, in my opinion, the name alone is not enough to pick up that it's a comedy from the first part, since I don't think enough people would recognize the name--I agree with horizon on this. I still think the first scene is a little too dull. You did get across the extreme Mary Sue-ness of the character, though, so good job on that :>
I do appreciate the context here, so thank you :>
That being said, author, in my opinion, the name alone is not enough to pick up that it's a comedy from the first part, since I don't think enough people would recognize the name--I agree with horizon on this. I still think the first scene is a little too dull. You did get across the extreme Mary Sue-ness of the character, though, so good job on that :>
I have never read My Little Dashie, and I have absolutely no desire to ever do so. I am, however, very familiar with Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder, and by extension, Kefentse. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I didn't recognize the title until I saw horizon's comment, but once I did I knew I had to read this.
I feel like my enjoyment of this story is rather out of proportion to its actual quality. The story itself is pretty "meh," even as a parody. But I was thrilled to read a silly story about Kefentse, especially since it defictionalized the flavor text of one of the cards.
But the biggest problem with this story is that Kefentse is Twilight Sparkle's original character, and she is very clearly labeled "DO NOT STEAL." Shame on you.
PS: I still think we should have a TSSSF game in the Discord chat sometime.
I feel like my enjoyment of this story is rather out of proportion to its actual quality. The story itself is pretty "meh," even as a parody. But I was thrilled to read a silly story about Kefentse, especially since it defictionalized the flavor text of one of the cards.
But the biggest problem with this story is that Kefentse is Twilight Sparkle's original character, and she is very clearly labeled "DO NOT STEAL." Shame on you.
PS: I still think we should have a TSSSF game in the Discord chat sometime.
A parody of MLD has comic potential. I know, because Rainbow Dash Presents did it. I see 2 problems with the implementation:
First, it isn't clear ever what type of parody it wants to be. It drops hints that it wants to be a parody in which Kefentse is a terrible, evil, vicious dracofelinequus on her way to becoming tyrant of the Earth. But it keeps veering away from that to be a parody in which Kefentse is just a Mary Sue, & that's supposed to be funny, because... I'm not sure why. Mary Sues can be funny, and a parody of MLD can be funny, but that doesn't make putting a Mary Sue in MLD funny. There are no points of contact between those concepts. MLD doesn't have a Mary Sue in it. Also, at the ending the story moves in the opposite direction than it did at first, towards "Fentse is an innocent victim of tyrant Celestia, assuming that a reincarnation shouldn't be held accountable for its past lives." The finale introduces a serious moral dilemma, which make it very hard to keep reading it as comedy at that point.
More importantly, this is full of things that are random, but none of them are very funny. Some are a little funny, like
This is surprising and silly, but the story leans very hard on surprising and silly, without ever developing characters capable of supporting character-based humor. I think, too, it goes over the edge into implausibility--eg, turning a car into gold shouts "I am being silly!" rather than being just on the edge of plausibility (such as, for instance, much the humor in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
First, it isn't clear ever what type of parody it wants to be. It drops hints that it wants to be a parody in which Kefentse is a terrible, evil, vicious dracofelinequus on her way to becoming tyrant of the Earth. But it keeps veering away from that to be a parody in which Kefentse is just a Mary Sue, & that's supposed to be funny, because... I'm not sure why. Mary Sues can be funny, and a parody of MLD can be funny, but that doesn't make putting a Mary Sue in MLD funny. There are no points of contact between those concepts. MLD doesn't have a Mary Sue in it. Also, at the ending the story moves in the opposite direction than it did at first, towards "Fentse is an innocent victim of tyrant Celestia, assuming that a reincarnation shouldn't be held accountable for its past lives." The finale introduces a serious moral dilemma, which make it very hard to keep reading it as comedy at that point.
More importantly, this is full of things that are random, but none of them are very funny. Some are a little funny, like
Chivalrous, smart, popular - there was nothing his dear little Fentsie touched that couldn’t turn to gold! Quite literally, in fact, as they had found one day when monetary woes had afflicted them and her heretofore unrevealed alchemical content manifested when the broken-down old car suddenly became a massive block of shining gold bullion.
This is surprising and silly, but the story leans very hard on surprising and silly, without ever developing characters capable of supporting character-based humor. I think, too, it goes over the edge into implausibility--eg, turning a car into gold shouts "I am being silly!" rather than being just on the edge of plausibility (such as, for instance, much the humor in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).
Okay, the mention of small children made this go from vaguely amusing to vaguely disturbing.
Uh. Hmm. Well…
Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should critique this. Aside from better minds than mine already having taken their crack at it, it’s a crackfic and proud of it. I suppose I agree that it would benefit from going even more ridiculous; the opening may be dull by design, but it’s still dull. In short… well, you definitely got what you were going for.
Uh. Hmm. Well…
Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should critique this. Aside from better minds than mine already having taken their crack at it, it’s a crackfic and proud of it. I suppose I agree that it would benefit from going even more ridiculous; the opening may be dull by design, but it’s still dull. In short… well, you definitely got what you were going for.
Okay, as usual, I'm reviewing at the last minute, so this will be kinda brief.
Okay, total crack! Which was clearly what you were going for. And, congratulations, you definitely got there!
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the character of Kefentse, so you lose some points there... I was just guessing she was some sort of Discord like critter or some such...
The escalation of ridiculousness was entertaining and bizarre.... Bizzarertaining?
And while I did enjoy this, I'm afraid crack fics aren't quite my cup of tea. Making your crack fic a parody of two other fics, only one of which I'm familiar with, really hurt the story in my book. And really limits your potential audience. Bottom line? I think that you managed to write exactly the sort of story you wanted, and it generated a few laughs and chuckles... But in the end, it just didn't do much for me personally.
Okay, total crack! Which was clearly what you were going for. And, congratulations, you definitely got there!
I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the character of Kefentse, so you lose some points there... I was just guessing she was some sort of Discord like critter or some such...
The escalation of ridiculousness was entertaining and bizarre.... Bizzarertaining?
And while I did enjoy this, I'm afraid crack fics aren't quite my cup of tea. Making your crack fic a parody of two other fics, only one of which I'm familiar with, really hurt the story in my book. And really limits your potential audience. Bottom line? I think that you managed to write exactly the sort of story you wanted, and it generated a few laughs and chuckles... But in the end, it just didn't do much for me personally.
Retrospective time!
So, this is all said and done very simple : I was at Trotcon. I have not missed a Writeoff in nearly 3 years. And I wasnt gonna let it happen now despite being super exhausted from 2 cons in a row. And, well - RobCakeRan, the guy who wrote MLD, was at Trotcon and we were at a writer/artist party shindig.
During this I am looking through my Secret Shipfic cards and stumble upon 'A Gift on the Doorstep' which has Kefentse (Who is the deliberately over-the-top OC from TSSSF meant as a loving parody of Mary Sues everywhere) in it. Combined with Rob being there, the idea of writing an absurdist take on the whole thing hit. And thus, inspiration.
Then I got really tired and went to bed with only 300 words written, woke up at 5 AM, finished the rest in like 25 minutes, went back to sleep. And voila.
>>FrontSevens
Yea, the opening is meant to be dull and cliched. The thing is that TSSSF is about, well, bad, overwrought fanfiction - a proper TSSSF-inspired story should be wrought with cliche. I may want to tighten it up to be /shorter/, but playing it straight at the start is intended so that I can veer rapidly into left field and then go over the top.
>>horizon
It's not meant to be a takedown. It's more of an affectionate ribbing, or that was my goal - going too far into 'Bleak grey cube' territory is beyond what I want to do.
Still, there is room to improve the opening for sure since it seems to be the most-criticized part. I do want to keep some of the maudlin melodrama of Dashie - at least until Dear, Sweet Kefentse starts to really show her stuff.
The other part is her introduction is straight off the TSSSF card. I'm attempting to write a take on the card-as-story so the part from 'As he pushed open the door' to 'I'll name you...Kefentse' is from the card.
Last, on the absurdity - the goal is to steadily escalate. Start off low-key and go up. Hence 'Mouse -> Eating small children -> Fields Medal -> etc'. And then at the end we see dear, sweet Kefentse all maligned and alone and unfairly prosecuted when she just wants to make friends and also has her horn broken since that's on the card of her as an adult.
Anyhow, I'd gladly welcome feedback towards the goal of 'Start off more serious and escalate to the absurd'. Much of this is rough stream of consciousness.
>>FrontSevens
Fimfic will help with this since I can use the TSSSF card as cover art.
>>The_Letter_J
This is Twilight Sparkle's originally fanfiction. I uh, discovered it. Like. At that typewriter-thing at Bronycon. Because clearly Twilight wrote it when she was transformed into a 1936 Underwood Typewriter. I totally did not write this at Trotcon at 5 AM, nope, no sirree, praise Celestia, glory be!
>>Bad Horse
Kefentse is a kind, noble, generous soul who simply does not understand early in her life mice are not for vicious mauling. Fortunately she is averted from mauling small human children, but even if she had it would have been an innocent kitten at play, not a vicious monster!
As President of All Earth she is the greatest president ++++ 4evr best friend to humanity. But yes. Kefentse is meant to be a Mary Sue. That's, like, the essence of her TSSSF character. She's an over the top Sue, and I want to capture that.
At the same time she shouldn't have a lot of depth because, well, deliberate love-letter to bad fanfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks on feedback!
>>TheCyanRecluse
Same as above!
So, this is all said and done very simple : I was at Trotcon. I have not missed a Writeoff in nearly 3 years. And I wasnt gonna let it happen now despite being super exhausted from 2 cons in a row. And, well - RobCakeRan, the guy who wrote MLD, was at Trotcon and we were at a writer/artist party shindig.
During this I am looking through my Secret Shipfic cards and stumble upon 'A Gift on the Doorstep' which has Kefentse (Who is the deliberately over-the-top OC from TSSSF meant as a loving parody of Mary Sues everywhere) in it. Combined with Rob being there, the idea of writing an absurdist take on the whole thing hit. And thus, inspiration.
Then I got really tired and went to bed with only 300 words written, woke up at 5 AM, finished the rest in like 25 minutes, went back to sleep. And voila.
>>FrontSevens
Yea, the opening is meant to be dull and cliched. The thing is that TSSSF is about, well, bad, overwrought fanfiction - a proper TSSSF-inspired story should be wrought with cliche. I may want to tighten it up to be /shorter/, but playing it straight at the start is intended so that I can veer rapidly into left field and then go over the top.
>>horizon
It's not meant to be a takedown. It's more of an affectionate ribbing, or that was my goal - going too far into 'Bleak grey cube' territory is beyond what I want to do.
Still, there is room to improve the opening for sure since it seems to be the most-criticized part. I do want to keep some of the maudlin melodrama of Dashie - at least until Dear, Sweet Kefentse starts to really show her stuff.
The other part is her introduction is straight off the TSSSF card. I'm attempting to write a take on the card-as-story so the part from 'As he pushed open the door' to 'I'll name you...Kefentse' is from the card.
Last, on the absurdity - the goal is to steadily escalate. Start off low-key and go up. Hence 'Mouse -> Eating small children -> Fields Medal -> etc'. And then at the end we see dear, sweet Kefentse all maligned and alone and unfairly prosecuted when she just wants to make friends and also has her horn broken since that's on the card of her as an adult.
Anyhow, I'd gladly welcome feedback towards the goal of 'Start off more serious and escalate to the absurd'. Much of this is rough stream of consciousness.
>>FrontSevens
Fimfic will help with this since I can use the TSSSF card as cover art.
>>The_Letter_J
This is Twilight Sparkle's originally fanfiction. I uh, discovered it. Like. At that typewriter-thing at Bronycon. Because clearly Twilight wrote it when she was transformed into a 1936 Underwood Typewriter. I totally did not write this at Trotcon at 5 AM, nope, no sirree, praise Celestia, glory be!
>>Bad Horse
Kefentse is a kind, noble, generous soul who simply does not understand early in her life mice are not for vicious mauling. Fortunately she is averted from mauling small human children, but even if she had it would have been an innocent kitten at play, not a vicious monster!
As President of All Earth she is the greatest president ++++ 4evr best friend to humanity. But yes. Kefentse is meant to be a Mary Sue. That's, like, the essence of her TSSSF character. She's an over the top Sue, and I want to capture that.
At the same time she shouldn't have a lot of depth because, well, deliberate love-letter to bad fanfiction.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Thanks on feedback!
>>TheCyanRecluse
Same as above!