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I don't have much of an understanding of the biblical background to get more from this than what's presented. That said, what is presented is very good. Crisp, quick, great dialogue and a good ending.
Uggggggh. I really liked the beginning of the story. It does a good job of giving names to things and explaining the importance, but realizing that you don't need that much detail. The joke at the end and the reveal got me dragging my palm over my face, but in a good way because I was chuckling underneath it all. That said, I do think it could have been explained with a bit less perverse imagery, possibly? It might have made it a bit more enjoyable, at least for me.
I like how this story's one of our much more grounded entries, with how it tries to tackle real-world issues. It's sometimes tough to try to write something that feels meaningful without the veil of a sci-fi or fantasy setting to hide behind, so you're definitely getting kudos from me.
Now, I'll be upfront and say that the story as a whole definitely feels a bit rough to me. I think a lot to do with it might be pacing. You're trying to fit an awful lot of pretty heavy content within the scope of a minfic, and I don't think the 750 word limit is doing you any favors. We're only able to get a bare-bones summary of the shooting itself before an abrupt cut to church scene, which actually confused a lot of readers in the Discord chat. During the stretch where we only have dialogue of the arrest, it takes effort to try to figure out exactly what's going on, and it makes it hard to emotionally resonate with the events occurring.
As for the story itself, I'll state my opinion that I personally don't think this is how unjustified police shootings go down. But I don't have any professional experience to back that statement up; all of my knowledge comes from the fact that some of my hobbies take me into the sphere of law enforcement folks, and I've talked about unjustified shootings with a few people who are much more qualified than I.
So in the end, while I really like the concept on display here, I think the overall trajectory of the story is hurt by the very short amount of time we get to build on the ideas that get presented. I don't think it can really fit within the scope of a minific entry comfortably, although I am impressed by its ambition.
Thank you for entering!
Now, I'll be upfront and say that the story as a whole definitely feels a bit rough to me. I think a lot to do with it might be pacing. You're trying to fit an awful lot of pretty heavy content within the scope of a minfic, and I don't think the 750 word limit is doing you any favors. We're only able to get a bare-bones summary of the shooting itself before an abrupt cut to church scene, which actually confused a lot of readers in the Discord chat. During the stretch where we only have dialogue of the arrest, it takes effort to try to figure out exactly what's going on, and it makes it hard to emotionally resonate with the events occurring.
As for the story itself, I'll state my opinion that I personally don't think this is how unjustified police shootings go down. But I don't have any professional experience to back that statement up; all of my knowledge comes from the fact that some of my hobbies take me into the sphere of law enforcement folks, and I've talked about unjustified shootings with a few people who are much more qualified than I.
So in the end, while I really like the concept on display here, I think the overall trajectory of the story is hurt by the very short amount of time we get to build on the ideas that get presented. I don't think it can really fit within the scope of a minific entry comfortably, although I am impressed by its ambition.
Thank you for entering!
I really enjoy the prose when Cole is looking at this as a life or death situation, but I have to agree that his attempt for survival getting cut short does deflate the tension a bit more than should be needed. Also, not sure if it's just me, but the boss's dialogue in the ending makes it sound like he put a cart there on purpose?
Damn that is a gut punch and a half. Incredible job with giving enough info to the reader to understand at the right time how things are. It's an excellently written piece.
The prose of this one reads cleanly, and I like that we get just enough characterization to comfortably slot John and Jessie into their archetypes. Like Flashgen mentions, the little world-building pieces are cool, and overall it's just fun to read what's basically a story about a happy Jurassic Park.
Now, despite the fun I had reading this, it does end up feeling a bit like a joke-in-the-end fic, because, well, there's a poop joke and a shamelessly cheesy quote from a great film. This kind of has a retroactively negative impact on the interesting world-building that we read at first, because as Mono says, it kind of makes everything that came up to this point feel like set-up for a silly joke.
So to try to avoid the self-deflation, I'd suggest putting that "big pile of shit" quote pretty much anywhere else other than the very last sentence. The way it's set up now, it feels like a punchline, which makes everything else feel like a long-winded set-up. I really do think that just a little bit of rearranging can go a long way towards making this entry feel much more well-rounded.
Thanks for submitting!
Now, despite the fun I had reading this, it does end up feeling a bit like a joke-in-the-end fic, because, well, there's a poop joke and a shamelessly cheesy quote from a great film. This kind of has a retroactively negative impact on the interesting world-building that we read at first, because as Mono says, it kind of makes everything that came up to this point feel like set-up for a silly joke.
So to try to avoid the self-deflation, I'd suggest putting that "big pile of shit" quote pretty much anywhere else other than the very last sentence. The way it's set up now, it feels like a punchline, which makes everything else feel like a long-winded set-up. I really do think that just a little bit of rearranging can go a long way towards making this entry feel much more well-rounded.
Thanks for submitting!
Okay, you clowns, let me hit you up with some fresh out the oven Mashups.
Atop the Godkiller at Midnight: Jesus goes to heavenly group therapy and confides to his good friend Barabbas about how he feels about the death of his father at the hands of a gaggle of drunkards. John 11:35 happens again, repeatedly.
Freezer Steps: A dude trapped in a walk-in freezer becomes the world's first Strix. Unpleasant things happen when his boss arrives to remove the cart parked in front of the door.
Creation, and Anything That Can Go Wrong: The primordial horror in the Depths is finally reawakened and visits its madness upon the waking world. Murphy and Paz take it in stride as another Saturday morning while they snuggle and make waffles.
The Toppling Torturer: Nobody knows what happened to the multi-billion dollar memory-reading interrogation device, until it's discovered that somebody is using it as a sex toy.
Atop the Godkiller at Midnight: Jesus goes to heavenly group therapy and confides to his good friend Barabbas about how he feels about the death of his father at the hands of a gaggle of drunkards. John 11:35 happens again, repeatedly.
Freezer Steps: A dude trapped in a walk-in freezer becomes the world's first Strix. Unpleasant things happen when his boss arrives to remove the cart parked in front of the door.
Creation, and Anything That Can Go Wrong: The primordial horror in the Depths is finally reawakened and visits its madness upon the waking world. Murphy and Paz take it in stride as another Saturday morning while they snuggle and make waffles.
The Toppling Torturer: Nobody knows what happened to the multi-billion dollar memory-reading interrogation device, until it's discovered that somebody is using it as a sex toy.
I really enjoyed the premise here, and how things come together in the end. It certainly improved with a re-read as well, where all of the vitriol is more seemingly deserved, given we know our author. Very good overall.
In the words of 007Ben,
Achievement Unlocked: Art-ification (Have an artist create a picture of your fic at least once.)
I'm not so sure how to name the achievement, but just had to do this. You've made my day, artist!
Okay. I'm done being an excited puppy now. Here's for the actual review!
I like the ice in the background (if that's what you were going for) kinda trippy. I also see the red light flashing at the top and reflecting off the surface of the ice. Nice touch.
As for the phone, It doesn't look cold. It looks like it's warm. Given the fact that it could've been in Cole's pocket the entire time, I give you a pass on that one. Or maybe a couple frosty fingerprints or smudges on the screen for that matter.
That's my 2 cents.
All in all, thank you for arting! I've enjoyed it overall!
Achievement Unlocked: Art-ification (Have an artist create a picture of your fic at least once.)
I'm not so sure how to name the achievement, but just had to do this. You've made my day, artist!
Okay. I'm done being an excited puppy now. Here's for the actual review!
I like the ice in the background (if that's what you were going for) kinda trippy. I also see the red light flashing at the top and reflecting off the surface of the ice. Nice touch.
As for the phone, It doesn't look cold. It looks like it's warm. Given the fact that it could've been in Cole's pocket the entire time, I give you a pass on that one. Or maybe a couple frosty fingerprints or smudges on the screen for that matter.
That's my 2 cents.
All in all, thank you for arting! I've enjoyed it overall!
Cat's in the Cradle Retrospective
Thanks for the reviews >>No_Raisin, >>Bachiavellian, >>Monokeras, >>Miller Minus, and >>Flashgen. This was actually a much warmer response than I expected for this piece. I was thinking the limited perspective would alienate readers, and while it was a little off-putting for some of you, I'm glad all the reviews admitted the story had some value and artistry to it. It wasn't a very comfortable story to write, but those are always the stories that seem to be my most effective.
As for the background of the piece, I was inspired upon a recent re-read of Ernest Hemingway's "Cat in the Rain". It's such a neat story that uses the titular cat to talk about relationship problems without outright stating the issue. While that tale focused on a couple arguing over a cat, I thought it might be interesting to do a story where a couple has experienced something so tragic that they can't even bring themselves to argue. I chose the British Shorthair because I think they're one of the prettiest cats and they usually have rather plain coats. They're the kind of cat people want to have just from looking at them, regardless of whether they're the right fit for their owner's personalities, something I think the narrator may be falling victim to just to assuage her sadness.
Hope everybody who read this story got something out of it, and I'll see you all in the future rounds!
So I'm looking at the final results, and I noticed I've been given a trophy for "Writeoff Graduate". Does anybody here know what that means? Is it for a certain number of stories submitted or points earned?
>>No_Raisin
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Bachiavellian
>>Flashgen
The God Killer: A Retrospective:
What do you mean I won?
What?
So this story is mostly a goof based primarily on the works of philosopher Freidrich Nietzsche, who is famously quoted as saying "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him," along with numerous other variations of the same idea. The premise is basically that this takes the form of a literal, wacky, and anticlimatic fight, rather than what Nietzsche really meant. Nietzche in particular was very critical of Christianity's take on morality, so it seemed only fitting for my characters to fight the Christian pantheon. Other things, not really related to this idea, were thrown in simply because I found it amusing.
Without diving into Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Will to Power, and Beyond Good and Evil too much, to massively summarize, it can be said that Nietzche believed three basic ideas:
1. Mankind should dispense with God (as God isn't real anyways) and create its own moral compass.
2. Nietzsche approves of "Master Morality", basically traits associated strong-willed men, self-determination, and the will to power.
3. The Ubermensch, or Overman, should be the guiding force in defining that new morality.
So my idea of a funny is to make the "Overman" in this scenario a literal replacement for an actual God who is basically a slack-jawed idiot who has no real grander plan and whose only real talent is being able to hit things really hard.
As I suggested in chat, the name "Richard" is a real indirect reference to "Richard Dawkins" and has no real meaning to the events of the story other than to namedrop a famous atheist (who fights "God" I suppose) without being too direct about it. "Nietzche" was the namedrop that I had hoped to raise eyebrows. Which it didn't.
The girl with big tits has no other meaning and references no specific person for no other reason than I thought it would be funny. I'm actually lying about this; it's a holdover from the original idea which was planned to be more a spoof of JRPGs rather than Nietzsche, but I left it in anyways because I thought it was funny. This can also be seen in the "color palette" line.
Generally, when I write comedies, I try to make a joke onion. A joke with layers. A joke like Shrek. Shrek is basically the blueprint to succeed at life anyways, so it's fitting that I crib some of its material.
Thanks for reviewing everyone!
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Bachiavellian
>>Flashgen
The God Killer: A Retrospective:
What do you mean I won?
What?
So this story is mostly a goof based primarily on the works of philosopher Freidrich Nietzsche, who is famously quoted as saying "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him," along with numerous other variations of the same idea. The premise is basically that this takes the form of a literal, wacky, and anticlimatic fight, rather than what Nietzsche really meant. Nietzche in particular was very critical of Christianity's take on morality, so it seemed only fitting for my characters to fight the Christian pantheon. Other things, not really related to this idea, were thrown in simply because I found it amusing.
Without diving into Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Will to Power, and Beyond Good and Evil too much, to massively summarize, it can be said that Nietzche believed three basic ideas:
1. Mankind should dispense with God (as God isn't real anyways) and create its own moral compass.
2. Nietzsche approves of "Master Morality", basically traits associated strong-willed men, self-determination, and the will to power.
3. The Ubermensch, or Overman, should be the guiding force in defining that new morality.
So my idea of a funny is to make the "Overman" in this scenario a literal replacement for an actual God who is basically a slack-jawed idiot who has no real grander plan and whose only real talent is being able to hit things really hard.
As I suggested in chat, the name "Richard" is a real indirect reference to "Richard Dawkins" and has no real meaning to the events of the story other than to namedrop a famous atheist (who fights "God" I suppose) without being too direct about it. "Nietzche" was the namedrop that I had hoped to raise eyebrows. Which it didn't.
The girl with big tits has no other meaning and references no specific person for no other reason than I thought it would be funny. I'm actually lying about this; it's a holdover from the original idea which was planned to be more a spoof of JRPGs rather than Nietzsche, but I left it in anyways because I thought it was funny. This can also be seen in the "color palette" line.
Generally, when I write comedies, I try to make a joke onion. A joke with layers. A joke like Shrek. Shrek is basically the blueprint to succeed at life anyways, so it's fitting that I crib some of its material.
Thanks for reviewing everyone!
So, guess it's time to talk about my piece. First, a question for anyone who knows how the site works- why does my piece have a lightbulb next to it in the results? Second, while I'm by no means defending the quality of the piece, I will offer up a rather rough weekend- I got bitten by a dog halfway into writing this piece, meaning I sorta had to get that taken care of for the second half of the writing period. Now, onto my explanations.
I was never quite sure where I was headed with this going in. I've never actually taken a hand at mythology/abstract before- when I write, I'm usually working on long form narrative pieces, so I decided to take my best shot and see where I landed. As far as the prompt is concerned, the idea was simply a case of 'nothing's perfect.' Life's fine as-is, and things can always change for the better or the worse, and we're never quite sure where it's headed.
>>Monokeras >>PinoyPony >>Flashgen >>No_Raisin >>Bachiavellian >>PinoyPony
As far as message goes, my original goal was something akin to 'life goes on.' The story wasn't originally meant to go anywhere, as far as concrete endings go. I like stories that imply that things continue after their end, and that was my original hope for the piece. Something that indicates that things have happened or changed, but at the end of the day, life is life. It's just another day, etc. Choose your metaphor.
In retrospect, that doesn't really work very well. If I had put more thought into the piece, I probably would have focused more on giving a clearer idea of the world- my big fear was, when writing, that too much info would only serve to dilute, and I think that lead to me shying away and not finding a healthy middle ground. That was also why I remained somewhat nebulous about the finer details. I wanted to paint a larger picture without getting bogged down by smaller details.
Regardless, thank you all for your feedback. I'll definitely try and do better next time. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a purple-prose mess.
I was never quite sure where I was headed with this going in. I've never actually taken a hand at mythology/abstract before- when I write, I'm usually working on long form narrative pieces, so I decided to take my best shot and see where I landed. As far as the prompt is concerned, the idea was simply a case of 'nothing's perfect.' Life's fine as-is, and things can always change for the better or the worse, and we're never quite sure where it's headed.
>>Monokeras >>PinoyPony >>Flashgen >>No_Raisin >>Bachiavellian >>PinoyPony
As far as message goes, my original goal was something akin to 'life goes on.' The story wasn't originally meant to go anywhere, as far as concrete endings go. I like stories that imply that things continue after their end, and that was my original hope for the piece. Something that indicates that things have happened or changed, but at the end of the day, life is life. It's just another day, etc. Choose your metaphor.
In retrospect, that doesn't really work very well. If I had put more thought into the piece, I probably would have focused more on giving a clearer idea of the world- my big fear was, when writing, that too much info would only serve to dilute, and I think that lead to me shying away and not finding a healthy middle ground. That was also why I remained somewhat nebulous about the finer details. I wanted to paint a larger picture without getting bogged down by smaller details.
Regardless, thank you all for your feedback. I'll definitely try and do better next time. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a purple-prose mess.
>>libertydude
That award usually is reserved for "best new entrant" into a given contest.
But you've submitted several original minifics before, so... Beats the fuck outta me.
That award usually is reserved for "best new entrant" into a given contest.
But you've submitted several original minifics before, so... Beats the fuck outta me.
>>No_Raisin
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
Darn I had begun to write a short retro, then I hit the wrong shortcut, closed the window and lost everything. You'll have to wait tomorrow. Take care, guys
>>Bachiavellian
>>Miller Minus
>>Flashgen
Darn I had begun to write a short retro, then I hit the wrong shortcut, closed the window and lost everything. You'll have to wait tomorrow. Take care, guys
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Flashgen
>>Bachiavellian
Congrats to Cass (the lunatic), Bachi (America's dad), and Mono (AKA best girl) on their medals.
Not too much to say about this one, but I'm gonna go ahead and say a lot.
The punchline to this entry made a lot more sense to me when I was writing it, and I feel like it could still work when placed within the context of a much better story, but as an ending it does feel cheap. My reasoning behind this was that I wanted to write a story about dinosaurs where we encounter a problem that doesn't involve dinosaurs going on a rampage and eating people. That seems to be the only way in which one is allowed to conceive a dinosaur-themed park.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan of of the creatures. When I was a kid I would watch Jurassic Park, The Land Before Time, and Walking With Dinosaurs until I was blue in the face, and I still find dinosaurs to be inherently awesome. Come on, how can one resist reading a story about dinosaurs... unless it's really bad, of course.
Even so, dinosaurs are put on such a pedestal in pop culture that they seem more like dragons or kaiju than animals that actually existed at some point in time, so I wanted to write something that would bring them back down to earth. One way of doing this was to remind us that dinosaurs are big animals, and that big animals drop big ol' dookies. It was also an excuse to use that immortal Jeff Goldblum line from the JP movie. There are some other references in there. The duckies are very much a shout-out to Ducky from The Land Before Time, and the park is named after special effects wizard Willis O'Brien, who worked on the original King Kong (and by extension the dinosaurs on Skull Island). The idea of the park also basically sprouted from when I used to play Operation Genesis a lot, and would imagine how a successful dinosaur park would really work.
Like with just about every minific I've ever worked on, this began as an story that's way too big for the word count, and I would inevitably take a butcher's knife to it. I wanted to show the rangers interacting with park visitors but couldn't. Jessie was supposed to have a lot more lines, and overall the conversation they have in the second scene was supposed to be a lot longer. I couldn't think of a good way to connect the two scenes without breaking word count. Unfortunately for the readers, the poo joke was pretty much always intended to be the final line, a fatal mistake in hindsight. I'm sort of surprised past me thought this was a great idea, considering I'm often opposed to minifics that hinge on a single joke, and I wasted a lot of admittedly neat ideas in the name of potty humor. Not my proudest moment.
Could've been worse, though. I agree with the points of praise in that John and Jessie have a nice dynamic going for them, and that there's a lot of room for expansion. I mean, dinosaurs are cool, how does one not go further with that.
>>Monokeras
>>Flashgen
>>Bachiavellian
Congrats to Cass (the lunatic), Bachi (America's dad), and Mono (AKA best girl) on their medals.
Not too much to say about this one, but I'm gonna go ahead and say a lot.
The punchline to this entry made a lot more sense to me when I was writing it, and I feel like it could still work when placed within the context of a much better story, but as an ending it does feel cheap. My reasoning behind this was that I wanted to write a story about dinosaurs where we encounter a problem that doesn't involve dinosaurs going on a rampage and eating people. That seems to be the only way in which one is allowed to conceive a dinosaur-themed park.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan of of the creatures. When I was a kid I would watch Jurassic Park, The Land Before Time, and Walking With Dinosaurs until I was blue in the face, and I still find dinosaurs to be inherently awesome. Come on, how can one resist reading a story about dinosaurs... unless it's really bad, of course.
Even so, dinosaurs are put on such a pedestal in pop culture that they seem more like dragons or kaiju than animals that actually existed at some point in time, so I wanted to write something that would bring them back down to earth. One way of doing this was to remind us that dinosaurs are big animals, and that big animals drop big ol' dookies. It was also an excuse to use that immortal Jeff Goldblum line from the JP movie. There are some other references in there. The duckies are very much a shout-out to Ducky from The Land Before Time, and the park is named after special effects wizard Willis O'Brien, who worked on the original King Kong (and by extension the dinosaurs on Skull Island). The idea of the park also basically sprouted from when I used to play Operation Genesis a lot, and would imagine how a successful dinosaur park would really work.
Like with just about every minific I've ever worked on, this began as an story that's way too big for the word count, and I would inevitably take a butcher's knife to it. I wanted to show the rangers interacting with park visitors but couldn't. Jessie was supposed to have a lot more lines, and overall the conversation they have in the second scene was supposed to be a lot longer. I couldn't think of a good way to connect the two scenes without breaking word count. Unfortunately for the readers, the poo joke was pretty much always intended to be the final line, a fatal mistake in hindsight. I'm sort of surprised past me thought this was a great idea, considering I'm often opposed to minifics that hinge on a single joke, and I wasted a lot of admittedly neat ideas in the name of potty humor. Not my proudest moment.
Could've been worse, though. I agree with the points of praise in that John and Jessie have a nice dynamic going for them, and that there's a lot of room for expansion. I mean, dinosaurs are cool, how does one not go further with that.
Retrospective: Public Transportation Sucks
Keeping this retro short, because I've had a long day. :P
So I didn't really have an idea for this event until like 9 PM on the night of the writing period, and I kind of just winged it from there. My first thought was that I didn't really want to write something humorous (because I was convinced that this prompt would spawn a bunch of comedies), and then eventually for some reason I stumbled on the idea of two characters talking about how they've both fucked up in the past. Originally, I was thinking about using high school aged characters, and the setting was during an after-school detention. After a little brainstorming, I ditched the idea and decided to go for a different reason why two strangers would be cooped up together for several minutes.
Yeah, so like everyone mentioned, the Hemingway reference was kind of really poorly done. I mean, I guess I incorrectly kind of assumed it was obvious where the cut off sentence was going (the fisherman lost the fish and lost the dream), but the fact that the folks who hadn't read The Old Man and the Sea took away the wrong impression definitely shows that I overshot on that point. Really appreciate the feedback on that, guys!
Also, apparently everyone and their mothers guessed me correctly this round. Next time, I should just go ahead and add an author's note saying "THIS IS BACHI".
>>Gander
Yeah, goddamn it, a tense slip in the very first sentence is absolutely typical of what I'd do. But I'm glad you used the word "lonely" in your review, because that was actually exactly the mood I was going for! I'm glad that the pacing devices worked for you, and I agree that the whole Hemingway bit could be done much more clearly. Thanks for your review!
>>No_Raisin
I guess I was kind of playing it safe by setting up the two characters as strangers. Honestly, developing a relationship between them didn't really strike me as a goal, since the central idea I had behind this one was to isolate our characters and the reader from each other. But I do understand the feeling that more could have been done, and I'm glad you seemed to enjoy most of the rest of the story. Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Monokeras
Ugh, yeah, I'm just super bad at catching grammar mistakes. This isn't the first time I've made a typo in the very first sentence of a Writeoff entry, and I'm certain it won't be the last.
Well, I've clearly messed up at some point, because the point that I wanted the story to convey is that the girl's behavior/situation doesn't change in the end. To clarify, (since I know I did a poor job of conveying this) the fisherman is denied his dream of making a fortune off of a once-in-a-lifetime catch, and likewise the girl is coming to accept the immutability of whatever events led her to be crying on a subway at three in the morning. It was all supposed to be very sad and all, you know. :P
Sorry I didn't do a good job of sending the point across. And thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>PinoyPony
Oh my lord, this kind of made me pull at my hair, because the whole bit about the smoke detector was supposed to be the takeaway, ha.
Like I mentioned earlier, the point of the story was supposed to be that the girl's situation doesn't change from being awful, and the whole reference to the unfixed/unmaintained smoke detector was supposed to be a metaphor for how the girl's problems aren't being addressed either. Sheesh, I did a bad job of making that clear, didn't I?
Thank you for your review/perspective!
Okay, Imma see if I can submit something for the FISS competition. See (some of) you there!
Keeping this retro short, because I've had a long day. :P
So I didn't really have an idea for this event until like 9 PM on the night of the writing period, and I kind of just winged it from there. My first thought was that I didn't really want to write something humorous (because I was convinced that this prompt would spawn a bunch of comedies), and then eventually for some reason I stumbled on the idea of two characters talking about how they've both fucked up in the past. Originally, I was thinking about using high school aged characters, and the setting was during an after-school detention. After a little brainstorming, I ditched the idea and decided to go for a different reason why two strangers would be cooped up together for several minutes.
Yeah, so like everyone mentioned, the Hemingway reference was kind of really poorly done. I mean, I guess I incorrectly kind of assumed it was obvious where the cut off sentence was going (the fisherman lost the fish and lost the dream), but the fact that the folks who hadn't read The Old Man and the Sea took away the wrong impression definitely shows that I overshot on that point. Really appreciate the feedback on that, guys!
Also, apparently everyone and their mothers guessed me correctly this round. Next time, I should just go ahead and add an author's note saying "THIS IS BACHI".
>>Gander
Yeah, goddamn it, a tense slip in the very first sentence is absolutely typical of what I'd do. But I'm glad you used the word "lonely" in your review, because that was actually exactly the mood I was going for! I'm glad that the pacing devices worked for you, and I agree that the whole Hemingway bit could be done much more clearly. Thanks for your review!
>>No_Raisin
I guess I was kind of playing it safe by setting up the two characters as strangers. Honestly, developing a relationship between them didn't really strike me as a goal, since the central idea I had behind this one was to isolate our characters and the reader from each other. But I do understand the feeling that more could have been done, and I'm glad you seemed to enjoy most of the rest of the story. Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Monokeras
Ugh, yeah, I'm just super bad at catching grammar mistakes. This isn't the first time I've made a typo in the very first sentence of a Writeoff entry, and I'm certain it won't be the last.
I don't really understand in what way the description of what happens in the book is going to change the girl's behaviour.
Well, I've clearly messed up at some point, because the point that I wanted the story to convey is that the girl's behavior/situation doesn't change in the end. To clarify, (since I know I did a poor job of conveying this) the fisherman is denied his dream of making a fortune off of a once-in-a-lifetime catch, and likewise the girl is coming to accept the immutability of whatever events led her to be crying on a subway at three in the morning. It was all supposed to be very sad and all, you know. :P
Sorry I didn't do a good job of sending the point across. And thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>PinoyPony
Plus, here's just something I've noticed: there is a brief moment in the story where it wanders back to the setting (in particular, the part about her lighting the cigarette and getting distracted by the smoke detector on the wall). It seems a this distracts the fic long enough that there isn't enough room left for the takeaway.
Oh my lord, this kind of made me pull at my hair, because the whole bit about the smoke detector was supposed to be the takeaway, ha.
Like I mentioned earlier, the point of the story was supposed to be that the girl's situation doesn't change from being awful, and the whole reference to the unfixed/unmaintained smoke detector was supposed to be a metaphor for how the girl's problems aren't being addressed either. Sheesh, I did a bad job of making that clear, didn't I?
Thank you for your review/perspective!
Okay, Imma see if I can submit something for the FISS competition. See (some of) you there!
I like the whole symbolic take on the style here; I think it matches the tone of the story very well. Your silhouettes are very well done, although it is a little funny how the Phoenix is the only object that gets an outline. I wonder if this is intentional, and what it means. One more thing I'd like to note is that this piece is kind of sparse in information-density, I can't help but think that making the canvas size a little smaller and having everything a little closer together might help reduce some of the negative/blank space.
Thank you for arting!
Thank you for arting!
This is a really simple piece, but with a lot of tonal connotations. I like how the cell phone is perfectly aligned with our frame of reference, which makes it seem all the more stark and noteworthy. And I really like that the only splash of non-grey/black-ish color is the red notification light. Overall, even though it comes across as kind of plain, it's the kind of piece that works well in retrospect of the story.
Thanks for arting!
Thanks for arting!
This one's got a lot of details, some of which are definitely done better than others. For instance, while I like the work done with the wrinkles in her pants and sleeves, other places like her hair and her backpack feel like they could have used a little more attention. I do want to note that I like how the chamber of the gun is the center of the piece; it gives it that extra bit of focus that compliments the subject matter nicely.
Thanks for arting!
Thanks for arting!
>>No_Raisin
>>Monokeras
>>Miller Minus
>>Bachiavellian
I'll just toss this in the scrap pile. Commentary on the prose was fair. Commentary on the narrative being unrealistic was hard to hear.
This story is based on several real life events that happened to me and people I know—personally and at a remove—mixed with events I've seen or heard through video and audio recordings. The couple bits taken from written accounts are ancillary. Everything happening here is as realistic as I could make it from the limited perspective I gave myself while writing after midnight.
The comments about realism really drive home this point: truth is stranger than fiction. After receiving feedback, I listened again to episode 9.09 of Writing Excuses: What to do When Truth is Stranger than Fiction. I made several of the mistakes they discuss on the episode. I'll need to re-listen before writing rl fiction again.
I confirm the ”hit word count” comments. To preserve anonymity, I won't discuss which bits of the story came from where; suffice it to say that they're stitched together at seams with common elements between stories that then went in different directions.
If I were to rewrite this story, it would be from the perspective of the officer who discharged his firearm, as that perspective would give clarity to the situation. I almost did, but it was a bit too late to undergo those revisions before submitting. The second scene would be pretty similar. If I were to extend this story, I'd make instead a smaller set of edits, with just a bit more revealed during that first scene and more revealed later.
I don't think officer-involved shootings usually go down this way. However, there are a number of senseless shootings each year—some of which happen this quickly—with situations degrading in seconds from standard police encounters to tragic deaths. Body cameras and mobile phones are a blessing for the police. In cases where police are faultless, they can provide evidence of innocence. In cases like the Recent Fort Worth shooting, they allow disciplinary and legal action against people who should not be police.
I didn't come to preach about this topic, so I'll stop there. If you'd like to discuss this issue further, I'd be up for a private chat on discord as time allows.
One more thing before I go. I won't say if the cussing priest is someone I know personally, but it's perfectly realistic. Again: truth is stranger than fiction. If you're interested in discussing Catholic dogma regarding cussing and the Lord's name, pm me.
>>Monokeras
>>Miller Minus
>>Bachiavellian
I'll just toss this in the scrap pile. Commentary on the prose was fair. Commentary on the narrative being unrealistic was hard to hear.
This story is based on several real life events that happened to me and people I know—personally and at a remove—mixed with events I've seen or heard through video and audio recordings. The couple bits taken from written accounts are ancillary. Everything happening here is as realistic as I could make it from the limited perspective I gave myself while writing after midnight.
The comments about realism really drive home this point: truth is stranger than fiction. After receiving feedback, I listened again to episode 9.09 of Writing Excuses: What to do When Truth is Stranger than Fiction. I made several of the mistakes they discuss on the episode. I'll need to re-listen before writing rl fiction again.
I confirm the ”hit word count” comments. To preserve anonymity, I won't discuss which bits of the story came from where; suffice it to say that they're stitched together at seams with common elements between stories that then went in different directions.
If I were to rewrite this story, it would be from the perspective of the officer who discharged his firearm, as that perspective would give clarity to the situation. I almost did, but it was a bit too late to undergo those revisions before submitting. The second scene would be pretty similar. If I were to extend this story, I'd make instead a smaller set of edits, with just a bit more revealed during that first scene and more revealed later.
I don't think officer-involved shootings usually go down this way. However, there are a number of senseless shootings each year—some of which happen this quickly—with situations degrading in seconds from standard police encounters to tragic deaths. Body cameras and mobile phones are a blessing for the police. In cases where police are faultless, they can provide evidence of innocence. In cases like the Recent Fort Worth shooting, they allow disciplinary and legal action against people who should not be police.
I didn't come to preach about this topic, so I'll stop there. If you'd like to discuss this issue further, I'd be up for a private chat on discord as time allows.
One more thing before I go. I won't say if the cussing priest is someone I know personally, but it's perfectly realistic. Again: truth is stranger than fiction. If you're interested in discussing Catholic dogma regarding cussing and the Lord's name, pm me.
I like Minifics for the simple fact that commenting can be more direct and errors are more likely to be pointed out. Plus, makes for a quick Retrospective too.
>>Bachiavellian
>>No_Raisin
It shows I've fallen for the same blunder twice now. I ruined my own writing by adding unnecessary additions. Partially finished was actually better untouched, turns out. What would you call a whole finished piece? Whole-ly piece. Eh, nevermind.
I guess all that is to be learned mainly is that some stuff is best left as-is sometimes, no need to complicate it with resolution (if I'm reading your reviews correctly, I should've tossed out the resolve. Although I think it would've been a jerk move to leave Cole to freeze to death. But, the fact of the matter is, that I had peril well-established and I ruined it.
I guess you live and you learn (pls don't hurt me!)
Thanks for your reviews!
>>LoftyWithers
In all honesty, I've enjoyed your comment the most. The problem with anonymity sometimes is that some writers enjoy nitpicks (I know I do) and some don't. I still struggle with bad habit of dialogue punctuation mistakes, but I'm learning. The rest are simple errors (like mixing up sublimation and deposition) which could've been avoided if I did my research.
Thanks for your review!
>>PinoyPony
*first faux-review. I was sweating bullets when I did it, but it payed off (I think).
>>Flashgen
Good viewpoint. Turning the boss into a jerk could be a way to fix the piece. As I said to Bach and Raisin, the same still stands. I messed up on this one and should've left it alone.
Thank you for your review!
[Verdict]
Going to put this one in deep-freeze. Not much after that.
>>Bachiavellian
>>No_Raisin
It shows I've fallen for the same blunder twice now. I ruined my own writing by adding unnecessary additions. Partially finished was actually better untouched, turns out. What would you call a whole finished piece? Whole-ly piece. Eh, nevermind.
I guess all that is to be learned mainly is that some stuff is best left as-is sometimes, no need to complicate it with resolution (if I'm reading your reviews correctly, I should've tossed out the resolve. Although I think it would've been a jerk move to leave Cole to freeze to death. But, the fact of the matter is, that I had peril well-established and I ruined it.
I guess you live and you learn (pls don't hurt me!)
Thanks for your reviews!
>>LoftyWithers
In all honesty, I've enjoyed your comment the most. The problem with anonymity sometimes is that some writers enjoy nitpicks (I know I do) and some don't. I still struggle with bad habit of dialogue punctuation mistakes, but I'm learning. The rest are simple errors (like mixing up sublimation and deposition) which could've been avoided if I did my research.
Thanks for your review!
>>PinoyPony
*first faux-review. I was sweating bullets when I did it, but it payed off (I think).
>>Flashgen
Good viewpoint. Turning the boss into a jerk could be a way to fix the piece. As I said to Bach and Raisin, the same still stands. I messed up on this one and should've left it alone.
Thank you for your review!
[Verdict]
Going to put this one in deep-freeze. Not much after that.
