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The God Killer
It seemed like a good idea to fight God at the time. I mean God was kind of a prick, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it, chilling up there in heaven like there aren’t child sex slaves in the world he created and whatnot. The dude literally created evil and suffering for no other reason than he could, real bad guy. I’d give him a zero out of ten if I could.
So I get my pal Richard, his pal Nietzche, and some girl with big tits to tag along with me. Like, apparently, any rando can come ascend the stairway to heaven and challenge God to a straight up fist fight.
And that’s what we do. After some light training, and a couple of brawls with the angels leading up to God, we challenge him to a fight. What’s even more amazing is we just straight up bash the guy’s head in, and he dies.
Whoops. Listen, it was an accident, okay? We didn’t mean to kill him. We just wanted to rough him up a bit. Teach him a lesson, you know? I had a whole fucking friendship speech preplanned I was gonna give when he was sufficiently weakened so he’d maybe chill out on the global warming thing and maybe solve the Israeli-Palestine conflict. I wasn’t asking for much here, mind you.
But no. Dude just straight up dies. Guess we hit him a little too hard or something. Being God and all, I thought he’d be a little more, I don’t know, omnipotent or something? Or least able to take a couple of punches, christ.
After that, Jesus comes in, all mad and teary-eyed asking what we just did, and nobody can really answer him. Nietzche tries to explain what’s going on, but Jesus is having none of it.
Then we gotta fight Jesus. Real hassle, I gotta say, and nobody was really feeling it at the time. I mean beating up God is cool and all, guy really had a good beating coming if I’m being honest, but nobody wants to beat up Jesus. He already had a bad enough time on earth.
So we beat up Jesus. Richard’s crying. I’m crying. Jesus is crying. Everyone’s upset.
Satan himself comes out of the ground and is like, “What the hell is going on here?”
I’m not joking, he said that exactly. Apparently, Satan loves dad jokes. We explain what happened for the second time, and at the very least Satan doesn’t want to challenge us to a fight. But then he’s all like, “I’m gonna be the new God now.”
Now I don’t know much about Satan, but this didn’t sound like a good idea. I’m pretty certain, even at the time, that Satan is a pretty bad dude. It’s the red skin that gives it away, really. Good guys don’t have a red color palette.
Everyone’s pretty tired from all this fighting nonsense, but big tits girl is all, “We have to beat Satan guys! We have to destroy this reductive dichotomy of good and evil in its totality so that mankind can be freed from the normative ethics that have been thrust upon us!”
She’s pretty hot, so I do what she says. She has my full attention if you know what I’m saying.
Satan goes down like a Saigon whore. Scratch that, even Saigon whores don’t go down that fast. Fight’s over pretty much as soon as it starts. Satan’s pretty pissy with us, and says he’ll be back or some shit.
I just want to go home, but everyone is telling me that somebody has to be the new God, and it might as well be me, because I lead the guys that killed God. I tell them I don’t wanna be God, I don’t know the first thing about being God, and this whole ordeal is fucking retarded.
They tell me that makes me the perfect candidate. I tell them to go fuck themselves, but they insist, and honestly I just want to be left alone so I say I’ll do it. I say some bullshit about mankind shaping its own destiny from now, the ways of tradition are dead and gone, we should look towards the future, standard stuff, and I sit on the throne as the new God.
This sucks. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But hey, at least I fixed global warming.
So I get my pal Richard, his pal Nietzche, and some girl with big tits to tag along with me. Like, apparently, any rando can come ascend the stairway to heaven and challenge God to a straight up fist fight.
And that’s what we do. After some light training, and a couple of brawls with the angels leading up to God, we challenge him to a fight. What’s even more amazing is we just straight up bash the guy’s head in, and he dies.
Whoops. Listen, it was an accident, okay? We didn’t mean to kill him. We just wanted to rough him up a bit. Teach him a lesson, you know? I had a whole fucking friendship speech preplanned I was gonna give when he was sufficiently weakened so he’d maybe chill out on the global warming thing and maybe solve the Israeli-Palestine conflict. I wasn’t asking for much here, mind you.
But no. Dude just straight up dies. Guess we hit him a little too hard or something. Being God and all, I thought he’d be a little more, I don’t know, omnipotent or something? Or least able to take a couple of punches, christ.
After that, Jesus comes in, all mad and teary-eyed asking what we just did, and nobody can really answer him. Nietzche tries to explain what’s going on, but Jesus is having none of it.
Then we gotta fight Jesus. Real hassle, I gotta say, and nobody was really feeling it at the time. I mean beating up God is cool and all, guy really had a good beating coming if I’m being honest, but nobody wants to beat up Jesus. He already had a bad enough time on earth.
So we beat up Jesus. Richard’s crying. I’m crying. Jesus is crying. Everyone’s upset.
Satan himself comes out of the ground and is like, “What the hell is going on here?”
I’m not joking, he said that exactly. Apparently, Satan loves dad jokes. We explain what happened for the second time, and at the very least Satan doesn’t want to challenge us to a fight. But then he’s all like, “I’m gonna be the new God now.”
Now I don’t know much about Satan, but this didn’t sound like a good idea. I’m pretty certain, even at the time, that Satan is a pretty bad dude. It’s the red skin that gives it away, really. Good guys don’t have a red color palette.
Everyone’s pretty tired from all this fighting nonsense, but big tits girl is all, “We have to beat Satan guys! We have to destroy this reductive dichotomy of good and evil in its totality so that mankind can be freed from the normative ethics that have been thrust upon us!”
She’s pretty hot, so I do what she says. She has my full attention if you know what I’m saying.
Satan goes down like a Saigon whore. Scratch that, even Saigon whores don’t go down that fast. Fight’s over pretty much as soon as it starts. Satan’s pretty pissy with us, and says he’ll be back or some shit.
I just want to go home, but everyone is telling me that somebody has to be the new God, and it might as well be me, because I lead the guys that killed God. I tell them I don’t wanna be God, I don’t know the first thing about being God, and this whole ordeal is fucking retarded.
They tell me that makes me the perfect candidate. I tell them to go fuck themselves, but they insist, and honestly I just want to be left alone so I say I’ll do it. I say some bullshit about mankind shaping its own destiny from now, the ways of tradition are dead and gone, we should look towards the future, standard stuff, and I sit on the throne as the new God.
This sucks. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.
But hey, at least I fixed global warming.
I like to imagine the narrator is Charlie Bukowski. Can't say it doesn't make sense.
Something I liked:
This entry is dumber than a bag of hammers, it meanders a lot, the narration could've been written by someone's drunken uncle, it's casually misogynistic, and the ending joke is lame as fuck. But enough about its virtues.
Something I didn't like:
How does one criticize perfection?
Verdict: Fucking stupid, and I like it.
Something I liked:
This entry is dumber than a bag of hammers, it meanders a lot, the narration could've been written by someone's drunken uncle, it's casually misogynistic, and the ending joke is lame as fuck. But enough about its virtues.
Something I didn't like:
How does one criticize perfection?
Verdict: Fucking stupid, and I like it.
I gotta say, this got me the second time around.
That Jesus part kills me. I’m not immune to it’s thralls.
For me, personally, I imagine The Godfather is speaking. 10/10 would kill god again.
That Jesus part kills me. I’m not immune to it’s thralls.
For me, personally, I imagine The Godfather is speaking. 10/10 would kill god again.
I don’t know what to make of this. I can’t even properly review it. To properly review something, I have to understand it in some capacity.
I think I liked it?
Edit:
Alright. Gonna try and review it nonetheless. Mulled over my thoughts some more.
This isn't a nuanced story or anything. But it doesn't try to be- it's some dude with three friends (or rough acquaintances, as the case may be) killing God and all the divine family. Straightforward enough. It's exactly what it tries to be and is perfect for every moment of that.
It's a meandering mess, but that's the charm of the piece. It's just some dude rattling off the whole sordid tale with every flourish he can muster. I do like this one a lot the more I think about it.
I think I liked it?
Edit:
Alright. Gonna try and review it nonetheless. Mulled over my thoughts some more.
This isn't a nuanced story or anything. But it doesn't try to be- it's some dude with three friends (or rough acquaintances, as the case may be) killing God and all the divine family. Straightforward enough. It's exactly what it tries to be and is perfect for every moment of that.
It's a meandering mess, but that's the charm of the piece. It's just some dude rattling off the whole sordid tale with every flourish he can muster. I do like this one a lot the more I think about it.
This is crazy, but in the way I love. Totally zany and absurd. It makes me think of the Monthy-Python, or that sort of silly British humour that doesn’t take itself seriously. The only thing that held me back is how easy each opponent is defeated, like your team trounces what are supposed to be the most potent beings in the whole universe. I suppose it is part of the overall wacky plot, but I would've liked some resistance, or a least a few juicy last words from each of those.
But barring that, good job, almost top of my slate. Well done, author.
But barring that, good job, almost top of my slate. Well done, author.
Okay, so this one's pretty dumb, but I'm certain that's exactly what you were going for. I really like the narrative style here, with the spoken-word feel and all. It lends the whole thing a layer of character that makes you imagine a hunched figure of ill-repute regaling this tale to you over a beer that's long since become warm.
Now, I tend to feel that judging comedies is not one of my strong suits, but I do have to say that I kind of had trouble getting into the flow of this one. Your set-up kind of puts you between a rock and a hard place in a way, because you're going for comedic ridiculousness, but there's really no place to which you can escalate the craziness after you've already killed god, you know? As a result, the story kind of plateaus for the 50% in the middle for me, and it was stuck in an odd place where there's neither a straight-man nor increasing absurdity to create comedic contrast.
So while this was definitely amusing, it didn't quite cross the line into outright funny for me. If you had the word count, I'd suggest finding a way to stretch out the actual god-killing bit a little longer to make the pace of escalation feel a little smoother. But like I said, I'm not exactly the best judge of comedy, so I'll let you take my feedback as a datapoint.
Thanks for entering!
Now, I tend to feel that judging comedies is not one of my strong suits, but I do have to say that I kind of had trouble getting into the flow of this one. Your set-up kind of puts you between a rock and a hard place in a way, because you're going for comedic ridiculousness, but there's really no place to which you can escalate the craziness after you've already killed god, you know? As a result, the story kind of plateaus for the 50% in the middle for me, and it was stuck in an odd place where there's neither a straight-man nor increasing absurdity to create comedic contrast.
So while this was definitely amusing, it didn't quite cross the line into outright funny for me. If you had the word count, I'd suggest finding a way to stretch out the actual god-killing bit a little longer to make the pace of escalation feel a little smoother. But like I said, I'm not exactly the best judge of comedy, so I'll let you take my feedback as a datapoint.
Thanks for entering!
>>No_Raisin
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Bachiavellian
>>Flashgen
The God Killer: A Retrospective:
What do you mean I won?
What?
So this story is mostly a goof based primarily on the works of philosopher Freidrich Nietzsche, who is famously quoted as saying "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him," along with numerous other variations of the same idea. The premise is basically that this takes the form of a literal, wacky, and anticlimatic fight, rather than what Nietzsche really meant. Nietzche in particular was very critical of Christianity's take on morality, so it seemed only fitting for my characters to fight the Christian pantheon. Other things, not really related to this idea, were thrown in simply because I found it amusing.
Without diving into Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Will to Power, and Beyond Good and Evil too much, to massively summarize, it can be said that Nietzche believed three basic ideas:
1. Mankind should dispense with God (as God isn't real anyways) and create its own moral compass.
2. Nietzsche approves of "Master Morality", basically traits associated strong-willed men, self-determination, and the will to power.
3. The Ubermensch, or Overman, should be the guiding force in defining that new morality.
So my idea of a funny is to make the "Overman" in this scenario a literal replacement for an actual God who is basically a slack-jawed idiot who has no real grander plan and whose only real talent is being able to hit things really hard.
As I suggested in chat, the name "Richard" is a real indirect reference to "Richard Dawkins" and has no real meaning to the events of the story other than to namedrop a famous atheist (who fights "God" I suppose) without being too direct about it. "Nietzche" was the namedrop that I had hoped to raise eyebrows. Which it didn't.
The girl with big tits has no other meaning and references no specific person for no other reason than I thought it would be funny. I'm actually lying about this; it's a holdover from the original idea which was planned to be more a spoof of JRPGs rather than Nietzsche, but I left it in anyways because I thought it was funny. This can also be seen in the "color palette" line.
Generally, when I write comedies, I try to make a joke onion. A joke with layers. A joke like Shrek. Shrek is basically the blueprint to succeed at life anyways, so it's fitting that I crib some of its material.
Thanks for reviewing everyone!
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Bachiavellian
>>Flashgen
The God Killer: A Retrospective:
What do you mean I won?
What?
So this story is mostly a goof based primarily on the works of philosopher Freidrich Nietzsche, who is famously quoted as saying "God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him," along with numerous other variations of the same idea. The premise is basically that this takes the form of a literal, wacky, and anticlimatic fight, rather than what Nietzsche really meant. Nietzche in particular was very critical of Christianity's take on morality, so it seemed only fitting for my characters to fight the Christian pantheon. Other things, not really related to this idea, were thrown in simply because I found it amusing.
Without diving into Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Will to Power, and Beyond Good and Evil too much, to massively summarize, it can be said that Nietzche believed three basic ideas:
1. Mankind should dispense with God (as God isn't real anyways) and create its own moral compass.
2. Nietzsche approves of "Master Morality", basically traits associated strong-willed men, self-determination, and the will to power.
3. The Ubermensch, or Overman, should be the guiding force in defining that new morality.
So my idea of a funny is to make the "Overman" in this scenario a literal replacement for an actual God who is basically a slack-jawed idiot who has no real grander plan and whose only real talent is being able to hit things really hard.
As I suggested in chat, the name "Richard" is a real indirect reference to "Richard Dawkins" and has no real meaning to the events of the story other than to namedrop a famous atheist (who fights "God" I suppose) without being too direct about it. "Nietzche" was the namedrop that I had hoped to raise eyebrows. Which it didn't.
The girl with big tits has no other meaning and references no specific person for no other reason than I thought it would be funny. I'm actually lying about this; it's a holdover from the original idea which was planned to be more a spoof of JRPGs rather than Nietzsche, but I left it in anyways because I thought it was funny. This can also be seen in the "color palette" line.
Generally, when I write comedies, I try to make a joke onion. A joke with layers. A joke like Shrek. Shrek is basically the blueprint to succeed at life anyways, so it's fitting that I crib some of its material.
Thanks for reviewing everyone!