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The Toppling Tower
The Toppling Tower of Heverran, a vast fanglike structure of brown weatherstreaked granite, loomed at an impossible angle over the countryside of the Forsylvae. It was the center of many disquieting legends and the tomb of many daring but reckless explorers.
It certainly was not the right place to hear raucous laughter.
We were here for a grim but hopeful purpose. A week ago, we’d explored the ancient ruin of Lafelow’s Gangrenous Gardens, and there we found a cache of artifacts cast in precious metals. Research implied they were the legendary keys to Heverran’s Tomb, a solid vault at the tower’s top, wherein the ancient mage had been forcibly and unjustly imprisoned.
Now, standing before his tomb, we worked to resolve one of the great tragedies of ancient times, and succor and release the imprisoned spirit of Heverran himself. I found myself pondering the suffering of the old mage, and the fleeting nature of all mortal life, when Favari’s laughter rang out and jarred me from my thoughts.
“Would you keep it down, Favari?” I said. My half-sister, expert archaeologist and unraveler of ancient traps and riddles, had been in high spirits for weeks now, but her mood was inappropriate for this solemn occasion.
“Hey Minselon, lighten it up a bit,” she said. “We’ve come to do a good deed, after all.”
Ariteva, the priestess we’d hired to perform the rites, cleared her throat. “Much as I appreciate keeping a cheerful spirit in dark times, I ask you for restraint so I may concentrate.” Ariteva moved to the great dark doors, before which was a shelf of stone covered with inlaid script, with an oval depression in the center. She chanted softly as she raised the most keylike of the artifacts we’d found.
“Do you think the tower might actually collapse, once we release his spirit?” I asked.
“Like the legendary ancient clichés?” Ariteva snorted. “As if Heverran’s weary old shade provides enough magic to support this huge tower? The ancient architects wrought better than that. Despite its name, the tower has stood for a thousand years. We should all be safe.”
Ariteva laid the artifact into the spoon-shaped depression, and stepped back. We awaited the unlocking of those terrible doors and the emergence of Heverran’s tortured soul.
And waited.
“Shouldn’t it have done something by now?” asked Favari.
Ariteva sighed. “It should.” She withdrew the object and repeated the rite using the other artifacts we’d discovered. None of them worked.
“Well, this is indeed a mystery,” said Ariteva. “Are you sure that this is all of the artifacts? That none were left behind?”
“Favari and I are quite thorough,” I replied, dreading the thought of returning to the dismal Gardens. “We took all.”
Ariteva looked each of us in the eyes. “The artifacts should all be linked,” she said. “Perhaps I can use that to our advantage…?” She pronounced another chant.
Suddenly, Favari yelped and jumped in the air, clutching her posterior!
As I stood in shock, Ariteva ran to Favari and yanked down her pants! “AH-HAH!” She steeled herself, reached forward and tugged, and drew from Favari’s exposed nether regions a gleaming golden thing like an egg, but with a flared base on it. Favari winced and gave a disappointed moan.
“Behold the True Key of Heverran,” she said, “By the grace of the gods, and the baser appetites of humanity, preserved until the hour of need.”
Favari stared at the floor. “I palmed it when we discovered the cache,” she said.”It just… looked so smooth. And I started playing with it, and one thing led to another…”
“And you used a priceless artifact as a sex toy, for all this time,” I sighed.
“Can we talk about this later?” groaned Favari.
Ariteva strode to the door, carefully wiping her hands and the Key on a clean cloth, then laid the Key in the hollow. It flashed with golden radiance, and the great doors parted. The great stones thrummed, and something passed us, a sense of doom and sorrow that seized and wrung our hearts and slowly faded, leaving us staring at each other in wonder and relief. Already the stones of the tower seemed to rest easier upon each other.
Ariteva smiled. “Heverran has finally gone to rest. I thank you, Minselon, and also you, Favari, whose fascinating urges lent a new dimension to the most tired of all the ancient clichés.”
I saw it too. “You mean…”
“Yes. The real treasure was inside her all along.”
It certainly was not the right place to hear raucous laughter.
We were here for a grim but hopeful purpose. A week ago, we’d explored the ancient ruin of Lafelow’s Gangrenous Gardens, and there we found a cache of artifacts cast in precious metals. Research implied they were the legendary keys to Heverran’s Tomb, a solid vault at the tower’s top, wherein the ancient mage had been forcibly and unjustly imprisoned.
Now, standing before his tomb, we worked to resolve one of the great tragedies of ancient times, and succor and release the imprisoned spirit of Heverran himself. I found myself pondering the suffering of the old mage, and the fleeting nature of all mortal life, when Favari’s laughter rang out and jarred me from my thoughts.
“Would you keep it down, Favari?” I said. My half-sister, expert archaeologist and unraveler of ancient traps and riddles, had been in high spirits for weeks now, but her mood was inappropriate for this solemn occasion.
“Hey Minselon, lighten it up a bit,” she said. “We’ve come to do a good deed, after all.”
Ariteva, the priestess we’d hired to perform the rites, cleared her throat. “Much as I appreciate keeping a cheerful spirit in dark times, I ask you for restraint so I may concentrate.” Ariteva moved to the great dark doors, before which was a shelf of stone covered with inlaid script, with an oval depression in the center. She chanted softly as she raised the most keylike of the artifacts we’d found.
“Do you think the tower might actually collapse, once we release his spirit?” I asked.
“Like the legendary ancient clichés?” Ariteva snorted. “As if Heverran’s weary old shade provides enough magic to support this huge tower? The ancient architects wrought better than that. Despite its name, the tower has stood for a thousand years. We should all be safe.”
Ariteva laid the artifact into the spoon-shaped depression, and stepped back. We awaited the unlocking of those terrible doors and the emergence of Heverran’s tortured soul.
And waited.
“Shouldn’t it have done something by now?” asked Favari.
Ariteva sighed. “It should.” She withdrew the object and repeated the rite using the other artifacts we’d discovered. None of them worked.
“Well, this is indeed a mystery,” said Ariteva. “Are you sure that this is all of the artifacts? That none were left behind?”
“Favari and I are quite thorough,” I replied, dreading the thought of returning to the dismal Gardens. “We took all.”
Ariteva looked each of us in the eyes. “The artifacts should all be linked,” she said. “Perhaps I can use that to our advantage…?” She pronounced another chant.
Suddenly, Favari yelped and jumped in the air, clutching her posterior!
As I stood in shock, Ariteva ran to Favari and yanked down her pants! “AH-HAH!” She steeled herself, reached forward and tugged, and drew from Favari’s exposed nether regions a gleaming golden thing like an egg, but with a flared base on it. Favari winced and gave a disappointed moan.
“Behold the True Key of Heverran,” she said, “By the grace of the gods, and the baser appetites of humanity, preserved until the hour of need.”
Favari stared at the floor. “I palmed it when we discovered the cache,” she said.”It just… looked so smooth. And I started playing with it, and one thing led to another…”
“And you used a priceless artifact as a sex toy, for all this time,” I sighed.
“Can we talk about this later?” groaned Favari.
Ariteva strode to the door, carefully wiping her hands and the Key on a clean cloth, then laid the Key in the hollow. It flashed with golden radiance, and the great doors parted. The great stones thrummed, and something passed us, a sense of doom and sorrow that seized and wrung our hearts and slowly faded, leaving us staring at each other in wonder and relief. Already the stones of the tower seemed to rest easier upon each other.
Ariteva smiled. “Heverran has finally gone to rest. I thank you, Minselon, and also you, Favari, whose fascinating urges lent a new dimension to the most tired of all the ancient clichés.”
I saw it too. “You mean…”
“Yes. The real treasure was inside her all along.”
Ahem. Call me a dope, but I don’t get the end.
Add to that that I’m not a big fan of fantasy stories, especially in this format where you cannot really world build lest you squander all your words on the background rather than the action. On a piece of that size, it is difficult to really care about the characters, especially when they are embarked in a larger story this one is only an excerpt of.
Then, there is the unexpected discovered of the egg-like object in a place where it should never have been. :p I suppose your choice of words to describe the scene is purposefully making it still more ludicrous than it is. But, I mean, really? Did you really have to invent that kink to make your story more interesting? It seems to me quite gratuitous, to be honest. If there’s a dash of humour here, it’s lost on me.
So, overall, I’m not so impressed by this one. Sorry, author.
Add to that that I’m not a big fan of fantasy stories, especially in this format where you cannot really world build lest you squander all your words on the background rather than the action. On a piece of that size, it is difficult to really care about the characters, especially when they are embarked in a larger story this one is only an excerpt of.
Then, there is the unexpected discovered of the egg-like object in a place where it should never have been. :p I suppose your choice of words to describe the scene is purposefully making it still more ludicrous than it is. But, I mean, really? Did you really have to invent that kink to make your story more interesting? It seems to me quite gratuitous, to be honest. If there’s a dash of humour here, it’s lost on me.
So, overall, I’m not so impressed by this one. Sorry, author.
This reads really smoothly, and it does a good job of immediately setting the stakes of the story and giving our characters something to strive for. The first few paragraphs are a little bit babble-y, with all the names of things that we don't know, but by the time our characters are being introduced, I think the story does a great job of picking up the slack and making the conflict feel immediate.
As for the payoff itself, well, you got a groan out of me. The joke is, well, pretty silly, and the whole ending doesn't even try to take itself seriously. I'm personally not really a fan of feghoot/shaggy-dog type deals, so while the punchline was suitably dumb, it just wasn't very personally satisfying to me. I'll let folks who like this sort of thing give their thoughts on how effective the delivery is.
What I can say, is that your prose is good and never gets in the way of the story, save for maybe the more info-dumpy bits in the first half. Your characters feel strong as well; they strike that balance between being D&D caricatures and being relatable very well, which helps the whole ridiculousness of the premise go down easier. I may not be the kind of person who likes this kind of payoff, but I can certainly appreciate the crafting elements behind it.
Thank you for writing!
>>Monokeras
The joke is that variations of the line "The treasure was inside of you the whole time!" are a kind of cliche in western children's storytelling. The line usually refers to friendship, or confidence, or some other internal characteristic that the hero acquires during their journey. In the case of this story, it's a literal treasure that was literally inside her.
As for the payoff itself, well, you got a groan out of me. The joke is, well, pretty silly, and the whole ending doesn't even try to take itself seriously. I'm personally not really a fan of feghoot/shaggy-dog type deals, so while the punchline was suitably dumb, it just wasn't very personally satisfying to me. I'll let folks who like this sort of thing give their thoughts on how effective the delivery is.
What I can say, is that your prose is good and never gets in the way of the story, save for maybe the more info-dumpy bits in the first half. Your characters feel strong as well; they strike that balance between being D&D caricatures and being relatable very well, which helps the whole ridiculousness of the premise go down easier. I may not be the kind of person who likes this kind of payoff, but I can certainly appreciate the crafting elements behind it.
Thank you for writing!
>>Monokeras
The joke is that variations of the line "The treasure was inside of you the whole time!" are a kind of cliche in western children's storytelling. The line usually refers to friendship, or confidence, or some other internal characteristic that the hero acquires during their journey. In the case of this story, it's a literal treasure that was literally inside her.
Most of my comments on this entry would be redundant given that >>Bachiavellian has already covered most of the major bases that inevitably arise out of this story. I got a very "Dungeons and Dragons" vibe to this entry, which is both to this entry's detriment and benefit. Detriment in that it comes across as rather generic, but also benefit because the characters are not really what the crux of the story is about anyways. More development would be contrary to the story's interests.
I am not a fan of feghoots. Everyone knows this by now. This story is a feghoot. What did you expect I would say?
The only thing that I can really say is that I found the pseudo-incestual vibe to be a really strange inclusion for this story. I mean, I suppose it's within good taste to write a story about a priceless artifact being used as a butt-plug, but does it really have to be put through an incestual lens by having that character by the protagonist's half-sister? The essence of the feghoot is that it is a joke on the reader, but the strange incest angle distracts from that goal while injecting fetishism where it's not needed.
I consider that to be a questionable inclusion and would prefer that the author either decide to write a feghoot or their incest story, not both simultaneously.
I am not a fan of feghoots. Everyone knows this by now. This story is a feghoot. What did you expect I would say?
The only thing that I can really say is that I found the pseudo-incestual vibe to be a really strange inclusion for this story. I mean, I suppose it's within good taste to write a story about a priceless artifact being used as a butt-plug, but does it really have to be put through an incestual lens by having that character by the protagonist's half-sister? The essence of the feghoot is that it is a joke on the reader, but the strange incest angle distracts from that goal while injecting fetishism where it's not needed.
I consider that to be a questionable inclusion and would prefer that the author either decide to write a feghoot or their incest story, not both simultaneously.
I suppose there are worse ways to get your rocks off, but at the same time...
Something I liked:
It took me a moment to get used to the kind of posh voicing of the narrator, but I think it adds to the comedy. There's a contrast between the old-fashioned seriousness of what the narrator's saying and the comedic situation that ultimately ensues. This is the kind of entry that lives and dies on whether it can land a single joke, and I'm learning more towards yes than no. Is the payoff really cringe? Yes, but that seems to be by design, and who am I to judge using a fantasy/adventure setup for the sake of a sex joke? Not the funniest entry this round, but it certainly tries.
Something I didn't like:
Spoilers for this part. I like the payoff, but I don't like some of the passages deemed necessary to get to that point. Specifically the lines about removing the "egg" from the narrator's half-sister's bum reads to me as too close to fetishism. I get the impression that the author wanted to write something kinky and funny at the same time, and while I can at least confirm the latter was intended, the former feels too murky for me. The fact that this woman is stripped from the waist down without warning, combined with the narrator's (lack of) reaction to seeing his half-sister in such a state, is indeed strange.
Verdict: Mixed bag. The joke at least worked with me to a degree, but it might be too sleazy for some.
Something I liked:
It took me a moment to get used to the kind of posh voicing of the narrator, but I think it adds to the comedy. There's a contrast between the old-fashioned seriousness of what the narrator's saying and the comedic situation that ultimately ensues. This is the kind of entry that lives and dies on whether it can land a single joke, and I'm learning more towards yes than no. Is the payoff really cringe? Yes, but that seems to be by design, and who am I to judge using a fantasy/adventure setup for the sake of a sex joke? Not the funniest entry this round, but it certainly tries.
Something I didn't like:
Spoilers for this part. I like the payoff, but I don't like some of the passages deemed necessary to get to that point. Specifically the lines about removing the "egg" from the narrator's half-sister's bum reads to me as too close to fetishism. I get the impression that the author wanted to write something kinky and funny at the same time, and while I can at least confirm the latter was intended, the former feels too murky for me. The fact that this woman is stripped from the waist down without warning, combined with the narrator's (lack of) reaction to seeing his half-sister in such a state, is indeed strange.
Verdict: Mixed bag. The joke at least worked with me to a degree, but it might be too sleazy for some.
Uggggggh. I really liked the beginning of the story. It does a good job of giving names to things and explaining the importance, but realizing that you don't need that much detail. The joke at the end and the reveal got me dragging my palm over my face, but in a good way because I was chuckling underneath it all. That said, I do think it could have been explained with a bit less perverse imagery, possibly? It might have made it a bit more enjoyable, at least for me.