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Everything's Better (and Worse) with Dinosaurs
The stegosauruses didn't make as much noise as John had expected. They were hulking beasts whose feet produced low rumbling sounds as they walked the earth, but they were quiet eaters.
"I don't know what I was expecting," he said.
"Yeah? I thought the same thing on my first day." Jessie, the senior park ranger, tapped her fingers on the jeep's steering wheel. "As far as large herbivores go, stegosauruses are what you can expect to handle on a good day. They're not very bright, but they keep to themselves and stay away from the paths."
John rubbed his chin, somewhere between awe and confusion, looking at the herd of spiked creatures.
Jessie, for her part, sported a mischievous grin, which John suspected she had whenever dealing with rookies. Helping keep O'Brien Prehistoric Park in check was, after all, not for everyone.
"Is it normal for there to not be a fence emplacement between us and them?" asked John.
Jessie chuckled. "In the case of most of our herbivores? Yes, but there are a few security measures, even with the plant-eaters." She hopped out of the driver's seat and slung her dart rifle over her shoulder. "Come on, see what I mean."
The two rangers ventured into the tall grass, toward the herd of grazing stegosauruses, until Jessie raised her hand, signaling John to stop. "You can't see it very well, but there's a low-level electrical barrier. Where is it...? Ah!" She crouched and pushed aside foliage to reveal a line of pressure points that seemed to run all along the pathway. "If someone were to cross it, they would feel a shock run through their feet. Not much stronger than what you'd use for a dog collar, but it gets the job done."
"To keep dinosaurs from getting out?"
She laughed. "The dinosaurs? Nah, it's to keep people from getting in!"
As the jeep trudged through the muddy back road of the park, John decided to bring up the most awkward question one could conjure in such a situation. "So... did you sign up because you like Jurassic Park?"
Jessie didn't even avert her eyes from the road. "Me? Of course! I mean, it wasn't the only reason. A lot of us were inspired by that movie, but it did get a lot of things wrong about dinosaurs. There was a line from it that still remains true, though, and I'll always remember that line."
"What is it?"
"Nah, I won't say it. It's something you have to know from experience."
John leafed through a manual of enclosures and dinosaur names. "So the stegosauruses get their own territory, okay. And each carnivore gets its own fenced enclosure. But it says here that the dryosauruses and the para... the parasauro...?"
"The parasaurolophus. What a name, I know. Just call them duckies."
"It says here that they share a territory, the one we should be seeing in a minute? But they're not even from the same time period. Not sure I get that."
"This may sound weird," said Jessie, "but different dinosaurs from different time periods and geographical locations can co-exist. It's all about forming a simple and functioning ecosystem. You can put a small herbivore from the Jurassic period and a large herbivore from the Cretaceous period on the same plot of land, so long as they benefit from each other's company. Certain large herbivores interact nicely with certain small herbivores, while some—like the stegosaurus—are better off by themselves."
"Huh," John pondered.
Jessie suddenly veered the jeep off the road and through the unguarded back end of the enclosure, where only park employees could venture. John found himself entering a clearing, away from the dense greenery of previous enclosures, and he could see a lake in the distance.
Soon the jeep stopped, and the rangers got out to get a closer look at the deer-like dryosauruses and the duckies, the latter gathering like children around the lake to quench their thirst. John had to admit to himself that it was a peaceful sight.
"It really does feel like Jurassic Park," he said quietly.
The beautiful scene got destroyed instantly, however, the moment the pungent smell of dung hit John's nostrils. "Oh, God!" he cried, louder than he thought he would. Clasping his nose, he tried to not look at the foot-tall pile of ducky droppings that became known to him. "I didn't think it'd stink that bad!"
"Yep," she said, smiling knowingly. "That is one big pile of shit."
"I don't know what I was expecting," he said.
"Yeah? I thought the same thing on my first day." Jessie, the senior park ranger, tapped her fingers on the jeep's steering wheel. "As far as large herbivores go, stegosauruses are what you can expect to handle on a good day. They're not very bright, but they keep to themselves and stay away from the paths."
John rubbed his chin, somewhere between awe and confusion, looking at the herd of spiked creatures.
Jessie, for her part, sported a mischievous grin, which John suspected she had whenever dealing with rookies. Helping keep O'Brien Prehistoric Park in check was, after all, not for everyone.
"Is it normal for there to not be a fence emplacement between us and them?" asked John.
Jessie chuckled. "In the case of most of our herbivores? Yes, but there are a few security measures, even with the plant-eaters." She hopped out of the driver's seat and slung her dart rifle over her shoulder. "Come on, see what I mean."
The two rangers ventured into the tall grass, toward the herd of grazing stegosauruses, until Jessie raised her hand, signaling John to stop. "You can't see it very well, but there's a low-level electrical barrier. Where is it...? Ah!" She crouched and pushed aside foliage to reveal a line of pressure points that seemed to run all along the pathway. "If someone were to cross it, they would feel a shock run through their feet. Not much stronger than what you'd use for a dog collar, but it gets the job done."
"To keep dinosaurs from getting out?"
She laughed. "The dinosaurs? Nah, it's to keep people from getting in!"
As the jeep trudged through the muddy back road of the park, John decided to bring up the most awkward question one could conjure in such a situation. "So... did you sign up because you like Jurassic Park?"
Jessie didn't even avert her eyes from the road. "Me? Of course! I mean, it wasn't the only reason. A lot of us were inspired by that movie, but it did get a lot of things wrong about dinosaurs. There was a line from it that still remains true, though, and I'll always remember that line."
"What is it?"
"Nah, I won't say it. It's something you have to know from experience."
John leafed through a manual of enclosures and dinosaur names. "So the stegosauruses get their own territory, okay. And each carnivore gets its own fenced enclosure. But it says here that the dryosauruses and the para... the parasauro...?"
"The parasaurolophus. What a name, I know. Just call them duckies."
"It says here that they share a territory, the one we should be seeing in a minute? But they're not even from the same time period. Not sure I get that."
"This may sound weird," said Jessie, "but different dinosaurs from different time periods and geographical locations can co-exist. It's all about forming a simple and functioning ecosystem. You can put a small herbivore from the Jurassic period and a large herbivore from the Cretaceous period on the same plot of land, so long as they benefit from each other's company. Certain large herbivores interact nicely with certain small herbivores, while some—like the stegosaurus—are better off by themselves."
"Huh," John pondered.
Jessie suddenly veered the jeep off the road and through the unguarded back end of the enclosure, where only park employees could venture. John found himself entering a clearing, away from the dense greenery of previous enclosures, and he could see a lake in the distance.
Soon the jeep stopped, and the rangers got out to get a closer look at the deer-like dryosauruses and the duckies, the latter gathering like children around the lake to quench their thirst. John had to admit to himself that it was a peaceful sight.
"It really does feel like Jurassic Park," he said quietly.
The beautiful scene got destroyed instantly, however, the moment the pungent smell of dung hit John's nostrils. "Oh, God!" he cried, louder than he thought he would. Clasping his nose, he tried to not look at the foot-tall pile of ducky droppings that became known to him. "I didn't think it'd stink that bad!"
"Yep," she said, smiling knowingly. "That is one big pile of shit."
>duckies
My dearest hope is that this is referencing Land Before Time, because dang-it, I want someone else to have watched my childhood movies.
So, a few general comments about structure. This is all, inevitably, building up to a one-line payoff, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. This seems like it’s meant to be a comedy piece, but it doesn’t really feel like that to me. There’s this weird dichotomy, at least when I was reading it, between the generalized ‘there’s a dinosaur park and it’s awesome’ feeling and the final line at the end. I dunno. It’s not bad, it just doesn’t feel particularly significant in the long run.
Style-wise, I really enjoyed the prose.
I also like the characters- I like Jessie and John interacting- the story does a good job making Jessie clear, as a character, to me- I feel like I’ve got a good grasp of who she is, at least on a surface level. John less so, but at the end of the day he’s there to play the role of newbie and let Jessie talk about the park to him, which is fine, and in turn let’s us get more of Jessie as a character.
Ultimately, I thought this was pretty okay. Writing style was good, but I didn’t really feel like it particularly went anywhere, aside from the joke at the end.
My dearest hope is that this is referencing Land Before Time, because dang-it, I want someone else to have watched my childhood movies.
So, a few general comments about structure. This is all, inevitably, building up to a one-line payoff, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. This seems like it’s meant to be a comedy piece, but it doesn’t really feel like that to me. There’s this weird dichotomy, at least when I was reading it, between the generalized ‘there’s a dinosaur park and it’s awesome’ feeling and the final line at the end. I dunno. It’s not bad, it just doesn’t feel particularly significant in the long run.
Style-wise, I really enjoyed the prose.
I also like the characters- I like Jessie and John interacting- the story does a good job making Jessie clear, as a character, to me- I feel like I’ve got a good grasp of who she is, at least on a surface level. John less so, but at the end of the day he’s there to play the role of newbie and let Jessie talk about the park to him, which is fine, and in turn let’s us get more of Jessie as a character.
Ultimately, I thought this was pretty okay. Writing style was good, but I didn’t really feel like it particularly went anywhere, aside from the joke at the end.
I can't believe someone turned this into a minific.
Something I liked:
Very much a mentor/scrub dynamic, an easy pretext for exposition dumps, but I like the relationship between John and Jessie. For an entry that puts a lot of emphasis on a poo joke, I found the two characters to be fairly well-defined. Jessie seems like the kind of nerd who would withhold information, just to see newcomers' reactions to a certain thing happening in one's favorite TV show. John seems clueless enough, and the fact that he doesn't seem to treat dinosaurs as anything more than weird animals is kind of cute. I'd like to read more about these two and how they help manage the park.
Something I didn't like:
Structurally this is one of the wonkier entries, no question about it. If you read enough minifics, you'll notice that they tend to be one scene long, and on the occasion that there are two scenes there tends to be one long scene, followed by a short punchy scene. This entry basically has two halves, and I'm not sure they mesh well. If I squint I can see a thematic throughline, particularly with Jessie's lines, but it feels like there's a scene missing that would make the story feel more cohesive. It'd also be nice to see more of how the park works, like what being a visitor would be like.
Verdict: Despite getting punk'd by this entry, I was charmed by it. Yes, this one's also up my alley.
Something I liked:
Very much a mentor/scrub dynamic, an easy pretext for exposition dumps, but I like the relationship between John and Jessie. For an entry that puts a lot of emphasis on a poo joke, I found the two characters to be fairly well-defined. Jessie seems like the kind of nerd who would withhold information, just to see newcomers' reactions to a certain thing happening in one's favorite TV show. John seems clueless enough, and the fact that he doesn't seem to treat dinosaurs as anything more than weird animals is kind of cute. I'd like to read more about these two and how they help manage the park.
Something I didn't like:
Structurally this is one of the wonkier entries, no question about it. If you read enough minifics, you'll notice that they tend to be one scene long, and on the occasion that there are two scenes there tends to be one long scene, followed by a short punchy scene. This entry basically has two halves, and I'm not sure they mesh well. If I squint I can see a thematic throughline, particularly with Jessie's lines, but it feels like there's a scene missing that would make the story feel more cohesive. It'd also be nice to see more of how the park works, like what being a visitor would be like.
Verdict: Despite getting punk'd by this entry, I was charmed by it. Yes, this one's also up my alley.
So yeah, I'd like to double down on what Raisin said. The first scene seem useless. Or rather, it feels like a lengthy and a bit rambling introduction just to inform the author that the plot is set in a dinosaur park. Granted, we get also that one of the guy is a greenhorn, but barring this, there's little else to fish out, and the transition with the second scene is a bit jarring (besides I am not sure an electric fence UNDER foliage would work. Especially the kind of short-pulse, high-voltage used to keep cows corralled).
As for the end… well, in a bluff way, I'd say "all this for just that?" Sure, big beasts make big poops, but did you really have to use around 750 words just to tell us that? :p Besides, you're not even that certain about it. Who tells you that the digestive tract of dinosaurs wasn't actually more efficient than those of modern animals? Eh?
In other words, I can't help but feeling that this is much a poo about nothing.
As for the end… well, in a bluff way, I'd say "all this for just that?" Sure, big beasts make big poops, but did you really have to use around 750 words just to tell us that? :p Besides, you're not even that certain about it. Who tells you that the digestive tract of dinosaurs wasn't actually more efficient than those of modern animals? Eh?
In other words, I can't help but feeling that this is much a poo about nothing.
>>Anon Y Mous
Oh, thanks. I watched that movie when it was released, so it’s buried into the depths of my memory stack. :p
Oh, thanks. I watched that movie when it was released, so it’s buried into the depths of my memory stack. :p
I really like the interaction between the two characters here, but I'm not sure I liked the payoff we get from the ending. The talk about dinosaurs from different time periods being able to co-exist is pretty neat, along with the explanation that it's more keeping people out of the less dangerous enclosures. I could see this being a neat intro to a longer story, but I'm not sure it works hear as a comedic minific.
The prose of this one reads cleanly, and I like that we get just enough characterization to comfortably slot John and Jessie into their archetypes. Like Flashgen mentions, the little world-building pieces are cool, and overall it's just fun to read what's basically a story about a happy Jurassic Park.
Now, despite the fun I had reading this, it does end up feeling a bit like a joke-in-the-end fic, because, well, there's a poop joke and a shamelessly cheesy quote from a great film. This kind of has a retroactively negative impact on the interesting world-building that we read at first, because as Mono says, it kind of makes everything that came up to this point feel like set-up for a silly joke.
So to try to avoid the self-deflation, I'd suggest putting that "big pile of shit" quote pretty much anywhere else other than the very last sentence. The way it's set up now, it feels like a punchline, which makes everything else feel like a long-winded set-up. I really do think that just a little bit of rearranging can go a long way towards making this entry feel much more well-rounded.
Thanks for submitting!
Now, despite the fun I had reading this, it does end up feeling a bit like a joke-in-the-end fic, because, well, there's a poop joke and a shamelessly cheesy quote from a great film. This kind of has a retroactively negative impact on the interesting world-building that we read at first, because as Mono says, it kind of makes everything that came up to this point feel like set-up for a silly joke.
So to try to avoid the self-deflation, I'd suggest putting that "big pile of shit" quote pretty much anywhere else other than the very last sentence. The way it's set up now, it feels like a punchline, which makes everything else feel like a long-winded set-up. I really do think that just a little bit of rearranging can go a long way towards making this entry feel much more well-rounded.
Thanks for submitting!
>>Gander
>>Monokeras
>>Flashgen
>>Bachiavellian
Congrats to Cass (the lunatic), Bachi (America's dad), and Mono (AKA best girl) on their medals.
Not too much to say about this one, but I'm gonna go ahead and say a lot.
The punchline to this entry made a lot more sense to me when I was writing it, and I feel like it could still work when placed within the context of a much better story, but as an ending it does feel cheap. My reasoning behind this was that I wanted to write a story about dinosaurs where we encounter a problem that doesn't involve dinosaurs going on a rampage and eating people. That seems to be the only way in which one is allowed to conceive a dinosaur-themed park.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan of of the creatures. When I was a kid I would watch Jurassic Park, The Land Before Time, and Walking With Dinosaurs until I was blue in the face, and I still find dinosaurs to be inherently awesome. Come on, how can one resist reading a story about dinosaurs... unless it's really bad, of course.
Even so, dinosaurs are put on such a pedestal in pop culture that they seem more like dragons or kaiju than animals that actually existed at some point in time, so I wanted to write something that would bring them back down to earth. One way of doing this was to remind us that dinosaurs are big animals, and that big animals drop big ol' dookies. It was also an excuse to use that immortal Jeff Goldblum line from the JP movie. There are some other references in there. The duckies are very much a shout-out to Ducky from The Land Before Time, and the park is named after special effects wizard Willis O'Brien, who worked on the original King Kong (and by extension the dinosaurs on Skull Island). The idea of the park also basically sprouted from when I used to play Operation Genesis a lot, and would imagine how a successful dinosaur park would really work.
Like with just about every minific I've ever worked on, this began as an story that's way too big for the word count, and I would inevitably take a butcher's knife to it. I wanted to show the rangers interacting with park visitors but couldn't. Jessie was supposed to have a lot more lines, and overall the conversation they have in the second scene was supposed to be a lot longer. I couldn't think of a good way to connect the two scenes without breaking word count. Unfortunately for the readers, the poo joke was pretty much always intended to be the final line, a fatal mistake in hindsight. I'm sort of surprised past me thought this was a great idea, considering I'm often opposed to minifics that hinge on a single joke, and I wasted a lot of admittedly neat ideas in the name of potty humor. Not my proudest moment.
Could've been worse, though. I agree with the points of praise in that John and Jessie have a nice dynamic going for them, and that there's a lot of room for expansion. I mean, dinosaurs are cool, how does one not go further with that.
>>Monokeras
>>Flashgen
>>Bachiavellian
Congrats to Cass (the lunatic), Bachi (America's dad), and Mono (AKA best girl) on their medals.
Not too much to say about this one, but I'm gonna go ahead and say a lot.
The punchline to this entry made a lot more sense to me when I was writing it, and I feel like it could still work when placed within the context of a much better story, but as an ending it does feel cheap. My reasoning behind this was that I wanted to write a story about dinosaurs where we encounter a problem that doesn't involve dinosaurs going on a rampage and eating people. That seems to be the only way in which one is allowed to conceive a dinosaur-themed park.
Needless to say, I'm a huge fan of of the creatures. When I was a kid I would watch Jurassic Park, The Land Before Time, and Walking With Dinosaurs until I was blue in the face, and I still find dinosaurs to be inherently awesome. Come on, how can one resist reading a story about dinosaurs... unless it's really bad, of course.
Even so, dinosaurs are put on such a pedestal in pop culture that they seem more like dragons or kaiju than animals that actually existed at some point in time, so I wanted to write something that would bring them back down to earth. One way of doing this was to remind us that dinosaurs are big animals, and that big animals drop big ol' dookies. It was also an excuse to use that immortal Jeff Goldblum line from the JP movie. There are some other references in there. The duckies are very much a shout-out to Ducky from The Land Before Time, and the park is named after special effects wizard Willis O'Brien, who worked on the original King Kong (and by extension the dinosaurs on Skull Island). The idea of the park also basically sprouted from when I used to play Operation Genesis a lot, and would imagine how a successful dinosaur park would really work.
Like with just about every minific I've ever worked on, this began as an story that's way too big for the word count, and I would inevitably take a butcher's knife to it. I wanted to show the rangers interacting with park visitors but couldn't. Jessie was supposed to have a lot more lines, and overall the conversation they have in the second scene was supposed to be a lot longer. I couldn't think of a good way to connect the two scenes without breaking word count. Unfortunately for the readers, the poo joke was pretty much always intended to be the final line, a fatal mistake in hindsight. I'm sort of surprised past me thought this was a great idea, considering I'm often opposed to minifics that hinge on a single joke, and I wasted a lot of admittedly neat ideas in the name of potty humor. Not my proudest moment.
Could've been worse, though. I agree with the points of praise in that John and Jessie have a nice dynamic going for them, and that there's a lot of room for expansion. I mean, dinosaurs are cool, how does one not go further with that.