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Creation, and What Followed
The first time sunlight fell, the world let out a cry unlike any other. The drop fell swiftly, molten gold hurtling towards the surface of the Deep. It struck the water, illuminating the endless sea. In that moment, the world burned red. From sunlight came everything.
The Phoenix, haughty and proud, guided the light, bringing forth life, giving each a spark to guide them. The King Above and his sister, the Queen Below, joined him, guiding the seasons in their inexorable tide. Together, they raised great continents, giving shelter to the life they had helped birth. In time, the forests sung with every manner of bird and beasts, and the seas frothed with every manner of living thing.
The Deep stayed the same. Quiet and lightless, for the Phoenix had taken the sunlight above. There was life, yet it lacked the perfection or the idealism of what the Phoenix had made. The Deep remembered those fleeting moments, filled with light, yet it knew that it would never have it again.
The Phoenix eventually took to the cliffs, watching creation and waiting until such a time when he was needed once more. Creation would thrive in his absence. Kingdoms rose and fell, each acknowledging and welcoming the sun’s gifts. And yet the Deep still awaited the gift of light, begging for something more than what it had been given long ago.
When man first came to the Deep, it was out of ignorance. When the Deep responded, it was out of exhaustion. In the darkness at the edge of the world, where the river met the raging falls, the traveler knelt, dipping a hand into the water. The world let out another cry then, relief as the sunlight in man was brought to the hunger of the Deep.
The Phoenix did not stop it. From the highest peaks of the world, he gazed down into the abyss, waiting to see what the world’s response would be. The traveler returned safely, bearing news of what he had seen. Some mocked him. Others labelled him a madman. Yet some listened and learned, and the breadth of human knowledge grew wider.
The Deep was left dark. No one came in search of the ebony pools, the journey too far or the risk too great to be considered. In time, mankind returned to their own squabbles, the struggles of mortal kings more pressing than the darkness from the world’s birth.
Yet the world had changed. The Deep had tasted sunlight yet again, and man was a fickle race, driven by curiosity that burned brighter than even self-preservation. Knowledge was a dangerous plaything, and once tasted, some things could never be forgotten. The Phoenix waited. It remained to be seen what would come.
The Phoenix, haughty and proud, guided the light, bringing forth life, giving each a spark to guide them. The King Above and his sister, the Queen Below, joined him, guiding the seasons in their inexorable tide. Together, they raised great continents, giving shelter to the life they had helped birth. In time, the forests sung with every manner of bird and beasts, and the seas frothed with every manner of living thing.
The Deep stayed the same. Quiet and lightless, for the Phoenix had taken the sunlight above. There was life, yet it lacked the perfection or the idealism of what the Phoenix had made. The Deep remembered those fleeting moments, filled with light, yet it knew that it would never have it again.
The Phoenix eventually took to the cliffs, watching creation and waiting until such a time when he was needed once more. Creation would thrive in his absence. Kingdoms rose and fell, each acknowledging and welcoming the sun’s gifts. And yet the Deep still awaited the gift of light, begging for something more than what it had been given long ago.
When man first came to the Deep, it was out of ignorance. When the Deep responded, it was out of exhaustion. In the darkness at the edge of the world, where the river met the raging falls, the traveler knelt, dipping a hand into the water. The world let out another cry then, relief as the sunlight in man was brought to the hunger of the Deep.
The Phoenix did not stop it. From the highest peaks of the world, he gazed down into the abyss, waiting to see what the world’s response would be. The traveler returned safely, bearing news of what he had seen. Some mocked him. Others labelled him a madman. Yet some listened and learned, and the breadth of human knowledge grew wider.
The Deep was left dark. No one came in search of the ebony pools, the journey too far or the risk too great to be considered. In time, mankind returned to their own squabbles, the struggles of mortal kings more pressing than the darkness from the world’s birth.
Yet the world had changed. The Deep had tasted sunlight yet again, and man was a fickle race, driven by curiosity that burned brighter than even self-preservation. Knowledge was a dangerous plaything, and once tasted, some things could never be forgotten. The Phoenix waited. It remained to be seen what would come.
Pics
If there’s a bird in this, it must be Miller's.
Seriously, this one is quite weird. I’m a bit at a loss to put my ducks in a row. The prose is at time a bit too stodgy for my liking, but really it seems… obscure and unfinished? For a tale tackling the subject of creation, I think it lacks… breadth? Grandeur? It is somehow detached, as you paint your phoenix. And yes, while you depict a creator bird that spends its time creating then "goes to the back seat" and enjoys watching without interfering, so your reader is shown into a chair and invited to read the story as a mere onlooker. I think the detachment comes from the fact that your story has no real final impact or lesson. We have no takeaway to walk away with, and so it leaves us with the unpleasant feeling that the meaning of the story has eluded us.
Seriously, this one is quite weird. I’m a bit at a loss to put my ducks in a row. The prose is at time a bit too stodgy for my liking, but really it seems… obscure and unfinished? For a tale tackling the subject of creation, I think it lacks… breadth? Grandeur? It is somehow detached, as you paint your phoenix. And yes, while you depict a creator bird that spends its time creating then "goes to the back seat" and enjoys watching without interfering, so your reader is shown into a chair and invited to read the story as a mere onlooker. I think the detachment comes from the fact that your story has no real final impact or lesson. We have no takeaway to walk away with, and so it leaves us with the unpleasant feeling that the meaning of the story has eluded us.
As the first I've read, I can tell that this round is going to be good. That is usually my guiding compass.
I have a soft spot for these types of stories. It has the feel of a beginning, a legend that is told that sets the pace of the story.
But, springboarding from >>Monokeras, I do agree that these particular stories have a great weakness- it is airy, and the meaning can slip through the reader's hands easily. The mysteriousness gives it a little grace, but I'm left at the edge of my seat saying 'is that it, or is something going to happen?' I don't blame it though, 750 words doesn't give much room to spice it up.
But all in all, the prose is solid! Thanks for writing!
I have a soft spot for these types of stories. It has the feel of a beginning, a legend that is told that sets the pace of the story.
But, springboarding from >>Monokeras, I do agree that these particular stories have a great weakness- it is airy, and the meaning can slip through the reader's hands easily. The mysteriousness gives it a little grace, but I'm left at the edge of my seat saying 'is that it, or is something going to happen?' I don't blame it though, 750 words doesn't give much room to spice it up.
But all in all, the prose is solid! Thanks for writing!
This just oozes style and flair, and it makes for one of the more unique pieces this round. I like some of the tricks you do with your prose, like starting off most of the paragraphs with short single-claused sentences. Overall, this really does revel in the fun of its actual words.
On that note, though, that it does come across a little bit like prose-porn to me. Now, I'm personally not very familiar with writing (or reading) this kind of ultra-high-level fantasy scene-setting type of thing, outside of CiG's Lost Cities, so I'm not entirely sure why this piece doesn't quite feel substantial to me. Put a gun to my head, and I might say something along the lines of the events being depicted lacking a feeling of immediate relevance. There's no indication whether this is supposed to be a version of the real world, or an entirely fantasy setting. I think if we had a better sense of the state of humanity in general here, we'd feel more invested when we're told that humanity is trifling with things beyond its reach.Since I don't know if this "traveler" is a deep sea diver or a planeswalking wizard, it's hard for me to really put into perspective what his actions mean.
So I think my suggestion would be to try to give us a broader scope of context of how we should be digesting this creation/destruction mythos. There are a lot of ideas here that are presented quickly and broadly, but without concrete details it feels difficult to get a sense of relevance. Overall, I'm feeling just a little too detached from the narration to feel invested in the sweeping narrative, so I think that providing the reader with more distinct context points might get this story up to that next level of engagement.
Thank you for submitting!
On that note, though, that it does come across a little bit like prose-porn to me. Now, I'm personally not very familiar with writing (or reading) this kind of ultra-high-level fantasy scene-setting type of thing, outside of CiG's Lost Cities, so I'm not entirely sure why this piece doesn't quite feel substantial to me. Put a gun to my head, and I might say something along the lines of the events being depicted lacking a feeling of immediate relevance. There's no indication whether this is supposed to be a version of the real world, or an entirely fantasy setting. I think if we had a better sense of the state of humanity in general here, we'd feel more invested when we're told that humanity is trifling with things beyond its reach.Since I don't know if this "traveler" is a deep sea diver or a planeswalking wizard, it's hard for me to really put into perspective what his actions mean.
So I think my suggestion would be to try to give us a broader scope of context of how we should be digesting this creation/destruction mythos. There are a lot of ideas here that are presented quickly and broadly, but without concrete details it feels difficult to get a sense of relevance. Overall, I'm feeling just a little too detached from the narration to feel invested in the sweeping narrative, so I think that providing the reader with more distinct context points might get this story up to that next level of engagement.
Thank you for submitting!
¿Quieres?
Something I liked:
Assuming we're tackling this as an exercise in prose porn and not as a narrative that can be enjoyed when isolated from the author's way with words, I like it. For the most part. The first 2/3 or so of this entry is pretty strong when it comes to painting me a picture of the really abstract characters we're being given. I especially like the Phoenix as this sort of indifferent spectator god. There's a basic mythology here that I dig, as I usually dig mythologies about indifferent and/or bastard gods, and this entry has a lot of potential in that department. It also goes without saying that the prose can make panties drop.
Something I didn't like:
But, seeing as how this is basically prose porn, it's not too different from regular porn, in that its impact on me is momentary and easily pushed to the side. While pleasant to read, I don't have much to take away from it as a story, or even as an examination of a certain theme. When dividing a story into plot and characters, I'm sad to say this entry doesn't have much of either. The creation myth we're given eventually gets yeeted in favor of the insignificant activities and aspirations of MAN, which I'm not too enthused about. I at least like to have characters to connect with in my stories.
Verdict: Pretty, but too airy and high-concept for my puny mammal brain.
Something I liked:
Assuming we're tackling this as an exercise in prose porn and not as a narrative that can be enjoyed when isolated from the author's way with words, I like it. For the most part. The first 2/3 or so of this entry is pretty strong when it comes to painting me a picture of the really abstract characters we're being given. I especially like the Phoenix as this sort of indifferent spectator god. There's a basic mythology here that I dig, as I usually dig mythologies about indifferent and/or bastard gods, and this entry has a lot of potential in that department. It also goes without saying that the prose can make panties drop.
Something I didn't like:
But, seeing as how this is basically prose porn, it's not too different from regular porn, in that its impact on me is momentary and easily pushed to the side. While pleasant to read, I don't have much to take away from it as a story, or even as an examination of a certain theme. When dividing a story into plot and characters, I'm sad to say this entry doesn't have much of either. The creation myth we're given eventually gets yeeted in favor of the insignificant activities and aspirations of MAN, which I'm not too enthused about. I at least like to have characters to connect with in my stories.
Verdict: Pretty, but too airy and high-concept for my puny mammal brain.
Very interesting sort of creation myth being told, though I'm not entirely sure on the message by the end. It seems to be about humanity exploring the unknown and, potentially, finding things that shouldn't be known through an unbridled curiosity. Whatever the message, I love the style and description, particularly in the beginning. It's just enough to give my mind a canvas to paint even deeper.
So, guess it's time to talk about my piece. First, a question for anyone who knows how the site works- why does my piece have a lightbulb next to it in the results? Second, while I'm by no means defending the quality of the piece, I will offer up a rather rough weekend- I got bitten by a dog halfway into writing this piece, meaning I sorta had to get that taken care of for the second half of the writing period. Now, onto my explanations.
I was never quite sure where I was headed with this going in. I've never actually taken a hand at mythology/abstract before- when I write, I'm usually working on long form narrative pieces, so I decided to take my best shot and see where I landed. As far as the prompt is concerned, the idea was simply a case of 'nothing's perfect.' Life's fine as-is, and things can always change for the better or the worse, and we're never quite sure where it's headed.
>>Monokeras >>PinoyPony >>Flashgen >>No_Raisin >>Bachiavellian >>PinoyPony
As far as message goes, my original goal was something akin to 'life goes on.' The story wasn't originally meant to go anywhere, as far as concrete endings go. I like stories that imply that things continue after their end, and that was my original hope for the piece. Something that indicates that things have happened or changed, but at the end of the day, life is life. It's just another day, etc. Choose your metaphor.
In retrospect, that doesn't really work very well. If I had put more thought into the piece, I probably would have focused more on giving a clearer idea of the world- my big fear was, when writing, that too much info would only serve to dilute, and I think that lead to me shying away and not finding a healthy middle ground. That was also why I remained somewhat nebulous about the finer details. I wanted to paint a larger picture without getting bogged down by smaller details.
Regardless, thank you all for your feedback. I'll definitely try and do better next time. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a purple-prose mess.
I was never quite sure where I was headed with this going in. I've never actually taken a hand at mythology/abstract before- when I write, I'm usually working on long form narrative pieces, so I decided to take my best shot and see where I landed. As far as the prompt is concerned, the idea was simply a case of 'nothing's perfect.' Life's fine as-is, and things can always change for the better or the worse, and we're never quite sure where it's headed.
>>Monokeras >>PinoyPony >>Flashgen >>No_Raisin >>Bachiavellian >>PinoyPony
As far as message goes, my original goal was something akin to 'life goes on.' The story wasn't originally meant to go anywhere, as far as concrete endings go. I like stories that imply that things continue after their end, and that was my original hope for the piece. Something that indicates that things have happened or changed, but at the end of the day, life is life. It's just another day, etc. Choose your metaphor.
In retrospect, that doesn't really work very well. If I had put more thought into the piece, I probably would have focused more on giving a clearer idea of the world- my big fear was, when writing, that too much info would only serve to dilute, and I think that lead to me shying away and not finding a healthy middle ground. That was also why I remained somewhat nebulous about the finer details. I wanted to paint a larger picture without getting bogged down by smaller details.
Regardless, thank you all for your feedback. I'll definitely try and do better next time. Sorry this ended up being a bit of a purple-prose mess.
