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Please Mind the Gap
“Hey.”
The voice jolted me out of my trance, and I almost drop my book.
There’s only one person with me in the aging subway car. She’s young, and really pretty. Her hair’s a disheveled mess of neon pink spikes that ends just a millimeter before it covers over her hazel eyes. There are black lines of dried mascara running down each cheek, but other than that, she looks perfectly composed.
“What are you reading?” she asks. Her face betrays nothing but curiosity.
I don’t know how to respond at first. Strangers don’t talk to each other—especially not in empty subway cars at three in the morning.
Eventually, I manage to say something.
“Ernest Hemingway.” I shift my fingers down the cover of the book so she can see the title. “The Old Man and the Sea.”
“Is it good?” she asks.
“Y-you haven’t heard of it?” I say before I can stop myself. I feel awful as soon as I do.
“Nope,” she says, apparently unoffended. She smiles a little, as though it were a joke. “I guess I don’t know much about Mr. Hemingway. What's the book about?”
As she talks, the train decelerates, and both of us shift in our seats. A sterilized recorded voice tells us to watch our step.
The doors open, and for a moment there’s silence. There’s nobody on the platform to get on, and there’s nobody from the train getting off.
Then the doors shut, and the canned voice buzzes aloud again, and the train rumbles and whines, and static noise fills the space between us, again.
For some reason, it’s easier to find my voice in the blanketing noise.
“It’s about a man, who dreams about big things.” I say, swallowing. “But he’s just an old fisherman. And all he knows how to do is fish.”
I think I sound like an idiot. But the girl’s makeup-smeared eyes are locked on mine.
“Then what?” she asks.
“Then, he catches the biggest and most beautiful fish he’s ever caught before.” I meet her gaze as I speak. “And he knows that this is the most important thing that could ever happen to an old fisherman like him. But when he’s trying to get back to shore—”
“Stop.” The word drops from her lips like a stone. “Don’t tell me how it ends.”
The train slows down again. The doors open again, and a sterile dead voice tells us to watch our step as no one but ghosts steps through the open doors.
Neither of us speak in the silence.
When there is noise again, the girl laughs, tiredly. She reaches into the kangaroo pocket of her pull-over hoodie, and retrieves a box of expensive cigarettes and a metal Zippo.
As she lights up, my eyes involuntarily flick towards the smoke detector nailed into the corrugated metal wall near the ceiling. She notices my glance.
“Don’t sweat it, chief. I don’t think they change the batteries on those things anymore.”
She inhales on her cancer-stick, and when she exhales I can see her breath rushing like a river out of her nose.
“Shit,” she says.
Her voice warbles, and for the first time I notice that her eyes are red and swollen. A fresh line of black paints its way down her left cheek.
“You okay?” I try to sound reassuring, but I fuck it up and I think I sound scared instead.
“No,” she says, but she stops crying. “It’s just…”
Her eyes glance up towards the broken smoke detector. They trace down the sides of the walls, where the peeling chrome finish exposes rusty brown splotches underneath.
“Nothing gets fixed anymore,” she says. “And I’m just… trying to pretend that I’m okay with that.”
Another lurch as the doors open. Another silent stop where nothing happens and nothing changes.
When the train is moving again, she gets up.
She takes one step towards me, and it looks like she’s about to take another, but then she hesitates, and she stops and puts her foot back down next to the other.
“What does,” she says, “the old man dream of being?”
“It doesn’t say. All it says, is that he dreams of lions.”
“Okay,” she says.
The next time the subway stops, during the stillness and silence, the only sounds are her footsteps as she steps off the train and onto the platform.
When the train starts to move again, our eyes meet.
She smiles, drops her cigarette, and stomps it out.
The voice jolted me out of my trance, and I almost drop my book.
There’s only one person with me in the aging subway car. She’s young, and really pretty. Her hair’s a disheveled mess of neon pink spikes that ends just a millimeter before it covers over her hazel eyes. There are black lines of dried mascara running down each cheek, but other than that, she looks perfectly composed.
“What are you reading?” she asks. Her face betrays nothing but curiosity.
I don’t know how to respond at first. Strangers don’t talk to each other—especially not in empty subway cars at three in the morning.
Eventually, I manage to say something.
“Ernest Hemingway.” I shift my fingers down the cover of the book so she can see the title. “The Old Man and the Sea.”
“Is it good?” she asks.
“Y-you haven’t heard of it?” I say before I can stop myself. I feel awful as soon as I do.
“Nope,” she says, apparently unoffended. She smiles a little, as though it were a joke. “I guess I don’t know much about Mr. Hemingway. What's the book about?”
As she talks, the train decelerates, and both of us shift in our seats. A sterilized recorded voice tells us to watch our step.
The doors open, and for a moment there’s silence. There’s nobody on the platform to get on, and there’s nobody from the train getting off.
Then the doors shut, and the canned voice buzzes aloud again, and the train rumbles and whines, and static noise fills the space between us, again.
For some reason, it’s easier to find my voice in the blanketing noise.
“It’s about a man, who dreams about big things.” I say, swallowing. “But he’s just an old fisherman. And all he knows how to do is fish.”
I think I sound like an idiot. But the girl’s makeup-smeared eyes are locked on mine.
“Then what?” she asks.
“Then, he catches the biggest and most beautiful fish he’s ever caught before.” I meet her gaze as I speak. “And he knows that this is the most important thing that could ever happen to an old fisherman like him. But when he’s trying to get back to shore—”
“Stop.” The word drops from her lips like a stone. “Don’t tell me how it ends.”
The train slows down again. The doors open again, and a sterile dead voice tells us to watch our step as no one but ghosts steps through the open doors.
Neither of us speak in the silence.
When there is noise again, the girl laughs, tiredly. She reaches into the kangaroo pocket of her pull-over hoodie, and retrieves a box of expensive cigarettes and a metal Zippo.
As she lights up, my eyes involuntarily flick towards the smoke detector nailed into the corrugated metal wall near the ceiling. She notices my glance.
“Don’t sweat it, chief. I don’t think they change the batteries on those things anymore.”
She inhales on her cancer-stick, and when she exhales I can see her breath rushing like a river out of her nose.
“Shit,” she says.
Her voice warbles, and for the first time I notice that her eyes are red and swollen. A fresh line of black paints its way down her left cheek.
“You okay?” I try to sound reassuring, but I fuck it up and I think I sound scared instead.
“No,” she says, but she stops crying. “It’s just…”
Her eyes glance up towards the broken smoke detector. They trace down the sides of the walls, where the peeling chrome finish exposes rusty brown splotches underneath.
“Nothing gets fixed anymore,” she says. “And I’m just… trying to pretend that I’m okay with that.”
Another lurch as the doors open. Another silent stop where nothing happens and nothing changes.
When the train is moving again, she gets up.
She takes one step towards me, and it looks like she’s about to take another, but then she hesitates, and she stops and puts her foot back down next to the other.
“What does,” she says, “the old man dream of being?”
“It doesn’t say. All it says, is that he dreams of lions.”
“Okay,” she says.
The next time the subway stops, during the stillness and silence, the only sounds are her footsteps as she steps off the train and onto the platform.
When the train starts to move again, our eyes meet.
She smiles, drops her cigarette, and stomps it out.
Disclaimer: I've never actually read Hemmingway's stuff, so the story's accuracy to the book is unknown to be me. For the sake of the review, I'm assuming everything is accurate and he's not intentionally misleading on it or anything like that. If that's not the case, someone please let me know so I can adjust my review accordingly.
Ignoring the tense errors, however, I did like this one, a lot. If I were to describe it in a word, I'd describe it as lonely. The empty subway, the way both protagonists are really only passing through when they meet, and I love the detail of consistently mentioning the train doors and the speaker, over and over, and over. It's a phenomenal way of conveying the passage of time and the pauses in this conversation, which are never explicitly stated yet are so clear when I'm reading it.
Now for the big about Hemmingway. I like using the Old Man and the Sea as a way to connect the two protagonists. I'm still considering the relationship between the two conversationalists and the Old Man and the Sea. I'm sure there's something more insightful that someone who's read the book can offer, but even without it, I love the sense of melancholy that both characters have, which the book's tone also hammers in.
So, yeah. I'm not far into my slate, but I really enjoy this one. I think there's a lot to unpack and I might come back to this one again for a second look, after I've had more time to think on it, but for now, I'm really looking forward to seeing how this one does.
The voice jolted me out of my trance, and I almost drop my book.Everything else is present tense, and I had to reread the start of the story to figure out what tense it was going to be. I can't speak for other people, but for me, it did disorient me, and with the limited space these stories have, it's vaguely frustrating.
Ignoring the tense errors, however, I did like this one, a lot. If I were to describe it in a word, I'd describe it as lonely. The empty subway, the way both protagonists are really only passing through when they meet, and I love the detail of consistently mentioning the train doors and the speaker, over and over, and over. It's a phenomenal way of conveying the passage of time and the pauses in this conversation, which are never explicitly stated yet are so clear when I'm reading it.
Now for the big about Hemmingway. I like using the Old Man and the Sea as a way to connect the two protagonists. I'm still considering the relationship between the two conversationalists and the Old Man and the Sea. I'm sure there's something more insightful that someone who's read the book can offer, but even without it, I love the sense of melancholy that both characters have, which the book's tone also hammers in.
So, yeah. I'm not far into my slate, but I really enjoy this one. I think there's a lot to unpack and I might come back to this one again for a second look, after I've had more time to think on it, but for now, I'm really looking forward to seeing how this one does.
There should be a special badge for the biggest mood, because this entry would get it.
Something I liked:
Yes, I too have read The Old Man and the Sea, which is an excellent novella about an old man whose very minor achievement feels like a triumph in the context of his miserable life. And that applies to this entry, but without even the temporary reprieve of catching the big fish, it's just very... lost. Very pessimistic, very grungy, like Cormac McCarthy if he had any empathy for his characters. Empathy is not a problem here, with the narrator and the women understanding each other's pain in this moment of time where nothing of actual importance happens. You know I'm all about that mood shit.
Something I didn't like:
Kind of hard to come up with criticisms for this that don't either cover some very minor technical faults or just pedantic nonsense that would only apply to me and no one else. I guess if I have anything substantially negative to say, it's that I want more from this entry. Is that even negative? Is it negative to say you want more of a story? I guess what I'm saying is that while this does tell the story of a moment in time and taste of said moment, the relationship between the narrator and the woman is very abstract and very mundane. You can do more with them, I know this much for a fact.
Verdict: Three for three with my readings so far, and this might be my favorite of an admirably strong bunch.
Something I liked:
Yes, I too have read The Old Man and the Sea, which is an excellent novella about an old man whose very minor achievement feels like a triumph in the context of his miserable life. And that applies to this entry, but without even the temporary reprieve of catching the big fish, it's just very... lost. Very pessimistic, very grungy, like Cormac McCarthy if he had any empathy for his characters. Empathy is not a problem here, with the narrator and the women understanding each other's pain in this moment of time where nothing of actual importance happens. You know I'm all about that mood shit.
Something I didn't like:
Kind of hard to come up with criticisms for this that don't either cover some very minor technical faults or just pedantic nonsense that would only apply to me and no one else. I guess if I have anything substantially negative to say, it's that I want more from this entry. Is that even negative? Is it negative to say you want more of a story? I guess what I'm saying is that while this does tell the story of a moment in time and taste of said moment, the relationship between the narrator and the woman is very abstract and very mundane. You can do more with them, I know this much for a fact.
Verdict: Three for three with my readings so far, and this might be my favorite of an admirably strong bunch.
The prose seemed weird to me at times – besides the tense errors already mentioned – wherefore I think the whole text would probably benefit from a pass of edition.
That being said, the major flaw I see here is that I don't really understand in what way the description of what happens in the book is going to change the girl's behaviour. Unless you suggest that she will stop smoking because she's realised that smoking was bad for her. I mean, I can guess a parallel between the beginning of the book, when the old sailor talks to the young guy, and what happens here. Or you mean that one must always dream bigger.
TBH, I'm a bit confused, and that story leaves me with more questions than answers, which is slightly disturbing. I'd say, once again borrowing from Raisin, that I'd like the story to give me more, because as it stands, I'm left somewhat dangling.
That being said, the major flaw I see here is that I don't really understand in what way the description of what happens in the book is going to change the girl's behaviour. Unless you suggest that she will stop smoking because she's realised that smoking was bad for her. I mean, I can guess a parallel between the beginning of the book, when the old sailor talks to the young guy, and what happens here. Or you mean that one must always dream bigger.
TBH, I'm a bit confused, and that story leaves me with more questions than answers, which is slightly disturbing. I'd say, once again borrowing from Raisin, that I'd like the story to give me more, because as it stands, I'm left somewhat dangling.
I'm a little mixed between Gander's and Monkeras reviews. Unfortunately, I haven't read The Old Man and the Sea. Sorry. I'm probably missing a major piece of the punchline... or whatever you were going for.
Pretty much Monokeras hit the nail on the head when he mentioned what was the takeaway from the story? What caused the girl to change? (if that was what you were going for).
Plus, here's just something I've noticed: there is a brief moment in the story where it wanders back to the setting (in particular, the part about her lighting the cigarette and getting distracted by the smoke detector on the wall). It seems a this distracts the fic long enough that there isn't enough room left for the takeaway.
I feel that if you gave a little more context about the moral/takeaway, then there would be less confusion. Just a suggestion. Don't take this to heart. I'm not exactly best at reviews.
Thanks for writing!
Pretty much Monokeras hit the nail on the head when he mentioned what was the takeaway from the story? What caused the girl to change? (if that was what you were going for).
Plus, here's just something I've noticed: there is a brief moment in the story where it wanders back to the setting (in particular, the part about her lighting the cigarette and getting distracted by the smoke detector on the wall). It seems a this distracts the fic long enough that there isn't enough room left for the takeaway.
I feel that if you gave a little more context about the moral/takeaway, then there would be less confusion. Just a suggestion. Don't take this to heart. I'm not exactly best at reviews.
Thanks for writing!
Like Raisin said, this story really does have #big_mood. I like the dirty/grungy mood of this one, and how down-to-earth it feels.
Now, as for the message of this story, I have read The Old Man and the Sea, and I think it's worth noting some points that were made in the Discord chat. The way that the summary of the book gets cut off kind of gives the wrong impression that the book is about successful dreams, when it's really about dreams that fail. It's a bit of a dissonance that makes the two halves of the story harder to link to one another.
As for your prose, it works in that it's pretty inoffensive and stays invisible for the most part. But Gander does point out where you have a tense slip in the first full sentence, and there are a couple of other rough spots as well.
Overall, I do like the idea and the feeling of this one, but there are definitely ways you can improve on the execution.
Thank you for entering!
Now, as for the message of this story, I have read The Old Man and the Sea, and I think it's worth noting some points that were made in the Discord chat. The way that the summary of the book gets cut off kind of gives the wrong impression that the book is about successful dreams, when it's really about dreams that fail. It's a bit of a dissonance that makes the two halves of the story harder to link to one another.
As for your prose, it works in that it's pretty inoffensive and stays invisible for the most part. But Gander does point out where you have a tense slip in the first full sentence, and there are a couple of other rough spots as well.
Overall, I do like the idea and the feeling of this one, but there are definitely ways you can improve on the execution.
Thank you for entering!
Retrospective: Public Transportation Sucks
Keeping this retro short, because I've had a long day. :P
So I didn't really have an idea for this event until like 9 PM on the night of the writing period, and I kind of just winged it from there. My first thought was that I didn't really want to write something humorous (because I was convinced that this prompt would spawn a bunch of comedies), and then eventually for some reason I stumbled on the idea of two characters talking about how they've both fucked up in the past. Originally, I was thinking about using high school aged characters, and the setting was during an after-school detention. After a little brainstorming, I ditched the idea and decided to go for a different reason why two strangers would be cooped up together for several minutes.
Yeah, so like everyone mentioned, the Hemingway reference was kind of really poorly done. I mean, I guess I incorrectly kind of assumed it was obvious where the cut off sentence was going (the fisherman lost the fish and lost the dream), but the fact that the folks who hadn't read The Old Man and the Sea took away the wrong impression definitely shows that I overshot on that point. Really appreciate the feedback on that, guys!
Also, apparently everyone and their mothers guessed me correctly this round. Next time, I should just go ahead and add an author's note saying "THIS IS BACHI".
>>Gander
Yeah, goddamn it, a tense slip in the very first sentence is absolutely typical of what I'd do. But I'm glad you used the word "lonely" in your review, because that was actually exactly the mood I was going for! I'm glad that the pacing devices worked for you, and I agree that the whole Hemingway bit could be done much more clearly. Thanks for your review!
>>No_Raisin
I guess I was kind of playing it safe by setting up the two characters as strangers. Honestly, developing a relationship between them didn't really strike me as a goal, since the central idea I had behind this one was to isolate our characters and the reader from each other. But I do understand the feeling that more could have been done, and I'm glad you seemed to enjoy most of the rest of the story. Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Monokeras
Ugh, yeah, I'm just super bad at catching grammar mistakes. This isn't the first time I've made a typo in the very first sentence of a Writeoff entry, and I'm certain it won't be the last.
Well, I've clearly messed up at some point, because the point that I wanted the story to convey is that the girl's behavior/situation doesn't change in the end. To clarify, (since I know I did a poor job of conveying this) the fisherman is denied his dream of making a fortune off of a once-in-a-lifetime catch, and likewise the girl is coming to accept the immutability of whatever events led her to be crying on a subway at three in the morning. It was all supposed to be very sad and all, you know. :P
Sorry I didn't do a good job of sending the point across. And thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>PinoyPony
Oh my lord, this kind of made me pull at my hair, because the whole bit about the smoke detector was supposed to be the takeaway, ha.
Like I mentioned earlier, the point of the story was supposed to be that the girl's situation doesn't change from being awful, and the whole reference to the unfixed/unmaintained smoke detector was supposed to be a metaphor for how the girl's problems aren't being addressed either. Sheesh, I did a bad job of making that clear, didn't I?
Thank you for your review/perspective!
Okay, Imma see if I can submit something for the FISS competition. See (some of) you there!
Keeping this retro short, because I've had a long day. :P
So I didn't really have an idea for this event until like 9 PM on the night of the writing period, and I kind of just winged it from there. My first thought was that I didn't really want to write something humorous (because I was convinced that this prompt would spawn a bunch of comedies), and then eventually for some reason I stumbled on the idea of two characters talking about how they've both fucked up in the past. Originally, I was thinking about using high school aged characters, and the setting was during an after-school detention. After a little brainstorming, I ditched the idea and decided to go for a different reason why two strangers would be cooped up together for several minutes.
Yeah, so like everyone mentioned, the Hemingway reference was kind of really poorly done. I mean, I guess I incorrectly kind of assumed it was obvious where the cut off sentence was going (the fisherman lost the fish and lost the dream), but the fact that the folks who hadn't read The Old Man and the Sea took away the wrong impression definitely shows that I overshot on that point. Really appreciate the feedback on that, guys!
Also, apparently everyone and their mothers guessed me correctly this round. Next time, I should just go ahead and add an author's note saying "THIS IS BACHI".
>>Gander
Yeah, goddamn it, a tense slip in the very first sentence is absolutely typical of what I'd do. But I'm glad you used the word "lonely" in your review, because that was actually exactly the mood I was going for! I'm glad that the pacing devices worked for you, and I agree that the whole Hemingway bit could be done much more clearly. Thanks for your review!
>>No_Raisin
I guess I was kind of playing it safe by setting up the two characters as strangers. Honestly, developing a relationship between them didn't really strike me as a goal, since the central idea I had behind this one was to isolate our characters and the reader from each other. But I do understand the feeling that more could have been done, and I'm glad you seemed to enjoy most of the rest of the story. Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Monokeras
Ugh, yeah, I'm just super bad at catching grammar mistakes. This isn't the first time I've made a typo in the very first sentence of a Writeoff entry, and I'm certain it won't be the last.
I don't really understand in what way the description of what happens in the book is going to change the girl's behaviour.
Well, I've clearly messed up at some point, because the point that I wanted the story to convey is that the girl's behavior/situation doesn't change in the end. To clarify, (since I know I did a poor job of conveying this) the fisherman is denied his dream of making a fortune off of a once-in-a-lifetime catch, and likewise the girl is coming to accept the immutability of whatever events led her to be crying on a subway at three in the morning. It was all supposed to be very sad and all, you know. :P
Sorry I didn't do a good job of sending the point across. And thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>PinoyPony
Plus, here's just something I've noticed: there is a brief moment in the story where it wanders back to the setting (in particular, the part about her lighting the cigarette and getting distracted by the smoke detector on the wall). It seems a this distracts the fic long enough that there isn't enough room left for the takeaway.
Oh my lord, this kind of made me pull at my hair, because the whole bit about the smoke detector was supposed to be the takeaway, ha.
Like I mentioned earlier, the point of the story was supposed to be that the girl's situation doesn't change from being awful, and the whole reference to the unfixed/unmaintained smoke detector was supposed to be a metaphor for how the girl's problems aren't being addressed either. Sheesh, I did a bad job of making that clear, didn't I?
Thank you for your review/perspective!
Okay, Imma see if I can submit something for the FISS competition. See (some of) you there!