Is this a bucking JoJo reference?! :-p

I mean... at the end of the day, it’s kinda just a pickle. This is clearly more silly than serious as an art piece. But I lol’d, so I’ll give this a thumbs-up/mission-accomplished.

Oh, myyyyy.

Cheese... consent ain’t the only thing that is, if you don’t mind my saying!

While I like the composition and colors here, I struggle to make out what this is. Having some clearer clues would help me a lot. This is definitely neat, though; it seems like it’s done in CGI, and I’d be interested to know more about the techniques behind it!

Could this be... the work of an enemy Stand?!

He looks like he been smoking some serious dope in that second panel.

Even without the little moe Shining in the corner this would be a strong pic, but with him?

Perfection.

I have questions...

[Stand Master] Ｌｙｒａ　Ｈｅａｒｔｓｔｒｉｎｇｓ
[Stand Name] 「Big Pickle」

Mmhmm.

sudo get me a pickle

OwO

Lewd.

Nice hooves you've got there. It'd be a shame if anything happened to them.

I really enjoyed this piece. I think the prose matches Luna's voice fairly well, and the horror that is explored with it is just up my alley. Just enough description, a good pace, and a good look at a potentially frightening aspect of dreams that lies beyond anyone's understanding, except for Luna and her next potential student. That said, I don't know if the horror of Lady Canary's downfall quite hits me as hard as the unnerving things like the Mýrarhryssur and the oddities of the Penumbra, though the line about her vanishing "piece by piece" is chilling to imagine.

I enjoyed this piece greatly, and I think parts of it really struck a chord with me. I think we get a good look into Fleur's emotional state and her day-to-day sort of life in Canterlot and what she cares about. I do think this serves as a good start to a longer story that might further explore Fleur's melancholy and her dissatisfaction with her life, and perhaps see her outlook changed. However, as it stands, it still did a wonderful job of drawing me in and expresses some things that I feel about my own life.

I enjoyed chuckling at this one. I think it's very in character, though certainly exaggerated, for Twilight to focus really hard on one error and lecturing Daring Do about it, and it makes for some comedic snapshots. That said, I do think there could be some more jokes worked in. I'm unsure about expanding it, as it feels good at the length it is, but maybe trying to get a little bit more in there wouldn't harm it too much.

I think this had a great hook, and it held my attention throughout with some good comedy and a little bit of action. Cheese's voice works well in the prose, with a lot of decent jokes and puns in it and the dialogue, and the pacing avoids it from dragging fairly well. That said, maybe a little bit of expansion between the initial scene and the contact with the sphinx could help, and allow for some potential humor. Maybe a puzzle that needs to be solved, besides just traps?

Overall, a really enjoyable tale with two characters that I didn't think I'd ever see interact.

I wish this was a poster. I want to put this bad boy on my wall.

>>_Moonshot
Joseph: Oh... my... god!

That window looks like a one-eyed monster.

>>No_Raisin
Smoke weed errey day?

This is well done. But Cadence is obviously not used to being a stallion yet. That’s a nut-crunch position if I’ve ever seen one.

I like how the side closest to Daring Do looks like it’s been in a fire.

...bUt I dIdN't LiStEn

I enjoyed the comedy when it came through and the character interactions. It's a sweet little comedic slice of life thing. However, I did have a few problems. The first is that there's a line or two that seem like they should be italicized as inner thoughts, even though the prose flows fairly well with them as written. I also think that Vinyl's signing should be in dialogue, even if it isn't being spoken, though that's a minor thing.

I do think the scene in the restaurant is the weakest of what's currently on display. There are some lack of dialogue tags and I think some work on expanding the conversation might help, even if it falls away into a fight.

Overall, enjoyable, but I'd say it come use some cleaning up.

A very heartwarming scene. I think the pacing is very good, and despite some confusing use by Daring Do of "filly," the dialogue is great. That said, I do have to agree with Baal that a little extra about the room or Ace's things could make it a little bit more believable that it's Ace's house she picked to stop in.

I really enjoyed the action when things got into the soccer game itself, the bit of banter, and also the finale of it. That said, there's a lot here that can use some work: dialogue tags, the first scene/setup for the soccer game and some of the prose itself outside of the action of the soccer game.

I think some expansion of the first scene, and possibly even the soccer match itself, would be good for it.

I really enjoyed the introduction here. All of the OCs feel fairly well-realized for how little time we have with them. I do think, though, that despite the second scene being as it because of a gap of anything else happening, that you could do a LOT more by expanding this. I think the unsettling bits come from not knowing what exactly happened, other than ponies going crazy over something they saw, but if you control the viewpoint character in clever ways throughout, you could have some more unsettling bits of when Klondike and the others go crazy, and have the changes appear sudden to the other characters.

As it is, I'm left feeling like it hasn't met its full potential, despite enjoying the sudden reveal that things didn't go as well as they hoped in the beginning.

I think this fic has a lot of strong things going for it. There's a good introduction with teen aged Cadance and Shining Armor that feels very natural and pretty cutesy. Cadance gets flustered by a reveal, and then after stewing it over (in what I feel is very natural: that her initial reaction likely made Shining feel bad about opening up, and then looking for a way to resolve things), does what only a powerful alicorn could manage to do, probably. Then there's some fairly awkward but appropriately teenage-like colt on colt action. I do think that Shining maybe needs a bit more trepidation about the affair, possibly? I mean, the two are awkward teenagers in a relationship, so it works, I feel, and nothing really came off all that red-flaggy about the interaction.

Overall, I enjoyed it, but, yeah, this could get a looooot more steamy, if wanted.

An interesting look at what could have been in the past, before Appleoosa and the like came to be. I think the resolution of the conflict, as little as there is, is fairly quick, though that does help to highlight the naivety of the buffalo in this exchange. Rocky Road's character is on good display, but Compass Rose doesn't get a lot, and that hurts things a bit as well. With some expansion, maybe showing the start of the party's trip into buffalo lands, and maybe even some further interactions between the buffalo and the ponies, could help things here.

Who likes short shorts mashups? Bana-na, na-na-na-na, we like short shorts mashups!

For those who are newer, mashups are an old Writeoff tradition that I absolutely love. Feel free to join in the madness!

---

He’s Got The Pose: (Art mashup! Click here!)

Daring Do and the Dashing Case of Soccer Territory!:

“And that brings up another thing,” Twilight shouted, mere hoof-lengths behind Thoren’s fleeing figure. “I don't see how you can call yourself a ‘shut-in’ if you make it out to soccer practice every day!”

Thoren let his back slump even as he tried to put on another burst of speed. “I told you, I don't like crowds.”

"Just let it go, Twilight," said Rainbow Dash, who was struggling to keep up. “Thoren’s a terriffic athlete, but he has to go to work tomorrow!”

“I can’t. I mean, that makes even less sense! If he’s got a job, that means he must get out. And there's a crowd of at least a hundred ponies who gather to watch your practices--”

Thoren stopped and struck a dramatic pose. “WHY MUST YOU JUDGE ME?!”

Prince Cadance Rests In The Penumbra: After three years of incorporating the joys of magical genderbending into their physical relationship, Shining jokingly suggests that he's never made it with a terrifying eldritch abomination with night-black eyes that bore into your soul and subsume you into pools of deathless ichor. Naturally, Cadance misses the joke, and turns her prodigious magical prowess on what proves to be the undoing of all Equestria.

A Recipe for Facing the Storm: Dissatisfied with the slow progress of pony-imperialism via mapmaking, Rocky Road begins to wonder if he could magically enhance Equestria's birth rate to produce more “little soldiers” to overrun the frontier. But his ambitions are cut short when he's thrown out of a fancy dinner party because society’s trying to be better now.

An Undercover Ambassador in Search of a Soul:

Are you a good girl?

Oui.

Who's a good girl!

Moi.

Did you chase that squirrel?

Non.

Come on, be a good lil' magically animated timberwolf... you chased that squirrel, didn't you?

Oui.

Oh, naughty naughty! Auntie Fluttershy won't like that. Didn't you think about what Auntie Fluttershy would say?

Non.

I think I struggled while reading a bit because perspective seemed to switch between Twilight and Starlight, and the mingling of actions from both in the same paragraphs didn't help.

As for what's going on in the story, I really like it. I don't think some extra context is needed. We get enough of an idea that there is a problem that this strange, maybe dangerous, magic is being used to solve, and we can assume it's related to the timberwolves. There's just enough information about the rituals going on to give us an idea of what's being done, but I do think some more couldn't hurt.

Overall, very interesting, but I think it does need some work to clean it up.

And we’re done!

Congratulations everyone—you made it a great round. And a special congratulations to my fellow medalists Spirit and No Raisin—evidently we rocked the house!

Even though fic results are up, there’s still a bit more that folks can partake in. Pic results will be up tomorrow, so vote vote vote if you haven’t already! Also, feel free to post retrospectives on your fics if you so choose; I’ve got one cooking for mine, and hopefully it should be up later today.

Thanks again, and remember: you were there at the beginning!

>>No_Raisin
Really don't get why this is so out there. I pictured them deciding to have a kid and thought about the how
* Sleeping with someone else is an option, especially before artificial insemination is a thing
* Wouldn't Bonbon get jealous?
* Why not swap in Bonbon, because body swapping is canon in s9e18, but some of the weird fandom stuff isn't.
* Big Mac would probably be ok with being female for a day given the whole princess Big Mac thing.
* My Bonbon isn't comfortable being in a male body, but Lyra is up for anything, so it's a double swap.
The way this all played out wasn't so straight forward, unfortunately. I've got a few details left to set before I start writing it, but it's definitely in the queue. I see this as an extension to my current LyraBon one-shot.

>>CoffeeMinion

the nature and strength of Bon Bon’s affection

You caught me. This was supposed to be a piece that showed Lyra doing something nice for Bonbon because the larger narrative I'm developing was missing that, so I thought: why not cook dinner? Okay. What's the conflict? Cooking dinner. ... Oh. Well Lyra's sentiment is nice, but let's find some other stuff later that fills the gap by Lyra competently doing something nice for Bonbon.

I am keenly aware that I've been writing Lyra as the source of suffering in Bonbon's life, and that it needs fixing. My next large scene to fix it is a bit surreal, but should come out more positively than this one.

is it embarrassing

Ah. This is a bit of author failure here, and a bit of previous scenes not being written yet. It's embarrassing to Bonbon for reasons that should come out in previous scenes (and some in later scene that will recontextualize this event, but that's less certain). For this scene, you don't see that, so I tried to counter it with Lyra and Scratch being okay with the discussion. I'm not decided yet if Tavi being uncomfortable with the subject will stay in the final version. It's possible I rework her reaction into her being concerned about Bonbon being upset at the discussion. The diner's reactions are more about public conventions being broken than about the subject matter existing; I'll see if adding the context from previous scenes fixes the problem. Having other reactions to Lyra being loud in public and other (reasonably-volumed) discussions about sex will help.

If you'd like, I'll send a synopsis of previous scenes your way before I write them.

>>Moosetasm

The three way body swap is... ummm... weird?

Is it? I heard about the body swap in season 9, and this just seemed like a natural outgrowth of it. Sex is a strong driver for innovation, and ”how can we use this technology for sex?” seems to be one of the first question humans ask about new tech. The internet is for porn, VHS beat Betamax because porn, millions (billions?) is spent on research for libido and birth control medication research annually, and vibrators have been a thing since the 1800s. Application of canon magic to sex seems perfectly normal to me.

>>Baal Bunny

Connect the first scene to the two that follow

My fault for writing something last-minute. It wasn't until I looked at the story a couple days later that I realized it was disconnected. That was me finding the story as I wrote. I need to remember to truncate my beginnings and endings. Previous scenes will connect things before I publish, but that scenelet was a poor start for the contest.

I had some POV problems with the second scene

Hadn't noticed this until you said it. I actually started the scene thinking I'd do Lyra POV, then went off the rails pretty quickly.

Lyra was in Big Mac, Bon Bon was in Lyra, and Big Mac was in Bon Bon

For now. May change.
>>_Moonshot

Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)

Yet I don't think any of my stuff is that weird or out there. Equestria has spiders, equestria has a portal to another works that transforms your body, so Sunset is now dating a spider. My trans stories are pretty much stock experiences, so nothing odd there. The duck story was science education with a thin veneer of story. This body swap flows as a natural consequence of canon magic with immature technology. Female genital mutilation is an ongoing problem in our world with the first conviction in the UK under anti-fgm laws happening this year.

I guess truth is stranger than fiction, so writing about true things can be dangerous for suspension of disbelief, and extending canon to new situations is weird. Who knew? [I did.]

it played out a little too long for my personal taste

I'm hoping the uncomfortable makes more sense later on when Bon Bon finally confides in Lyra because Bon Bon's reaction prompted Lyra to ask. I'll just flag it for review for now.

>>Flashgen

there's a line or two that seem like they should be italicized as inner thoughts

Sorry. Write-off stripped my italics, and I was already dozing off when I submitted. The signing was italicized too, but I was less sure of that; I'll check how other fics handle it.

Aw, crud. I never even knew this contest was coming up, much less already complete. Really wish the notification thing worked better. :\

Before I go into it, congratulations to my fellow winners >>CoffeeMinion and >>No_Raisin, and really to everyone else for delivering a great set of entries for this group's first-ever round! Regardless of the rankings, it was really nice to see all the neat ideas that everyone had under their belt so thanks to everyone for participating!

Without further ado, here's:

We Rest In The Penumbra: The Retrospective

Coming away from the prompt, I had a couple of ideas in mind. Half of them had horror, which I'm beginning to find that it's a genre I keep falling back on whenever I'm just winging it. Some part of me really didn't want to write a horror story for this contest, especially since it's the first-ever round in a contest set up by none other than CoffeeMinion, whom I'm aware had read some of my past horror stories back on FimFiction, so I was a little self-conscious into serving something that was 'safe', to say the least.

After pondering about it for a day, I went ahead with it in the end, partially to get me out of my block, but also because I think ultimately it's better for me to post something that I'm certain I would be passionate about than to post something I'm unsure of, or even worse, not post at all.

Surprisingly, it took me a while to really figure out the story itself. Going into it, I was only sure of a few things: the opening line and Luna being involved. Everything else was just stuff that I picked up as I began to type away.

The role of Canary came next. Initially, I was opting her to be Luna's student instead but I soon realized that there wouldn't be enough words for that version(s) of the story that'll leave me satisfied with how it turned out. In the end, I switched her role to be of Luna's mentor in dreamwalking.

Fun fact: her name came from the saying 'canary in a coalmine', which I guess everyone can figure out as to why I went with it in the end.

The Penumbra was next. I wanted to tie it to Luna and Canary's student-teacher relationship while at the same time answering the opening question. I also want the experience to be something life-changing to Luna, something that will stay with her even after a thousand or so years. As a result, the whole Lovecraftian aspect began to come out. Funnily enough, the whole part about the powers of dreamwalking being borrowed was something I just tacked on after realizing I was beginning to run out of words.

I think if there's really one thing I wanted to explore as I wrote this, it would be the creatures⁠— the Mýrarhryssur. The name was a lucky find while playing around with Google Translate. The word is in Icelandic and roughly translates to 'swamp-mares'. I brought them up to kinda give Luna a reference point to watching something die in the Penumbra which would then be built upon by Canary's death in the end, though I don't think I managed to do that. It's something I'm definitely working on in my expanded entry.

The ending was also rather rushed for my taste as well. There's a lot of changes made to how it should go and a lot of consequences here that I had to leave out even after I've settled on this one. I also really, really wanted to bring Celestia into play, but I didn't think it's something that'll fit within the wordcount so I scrapped it. I'm seeing if I could somehow slip it in for my expanded version though. Might need to figure out how it would work out.

Once everything's done, I submitted it in two hours before the deadline and spent the next half an hour rereading it over and over again to iron all the wrinkles away, though I see that some of them slipped the cracks.

Overall, I'm kinda happy with what I've ended up with. There's a lot I wanna explore here, which I'll get around to it as soon as I'm done. I'm thinking of putting it up in the Discord chat for you guys to look it over before posting it on FimFic though. Would love to get everyone's opinions on the final draft before unleashing it out onto the Interwebz.

So yeah, that's pretty much how I feel about Penumbra right now! Thanks for reading it, and for reading this stupidly-long retrospective as well!

Now then, onward to individual responses:

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>>No_Raisin

I swear, Lovecrafian horror is going to become my calling card throughout these comps.

I pretty much agree with you on the ending. There's this one whole scene I prepared where she doesn't just melt into a puddle of muck. Hard to give a proper sendoff when you're running low on words, which really was why I fell back to that whole bit with the ink leaking out and stuff in the end. The actual ending will tie back with the whole Penumbra gig, maybe with a bit more gruesomeness for good measure.

Thanks for your comment!

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>>Señor Alta Cruz

Bitter ash flavors are part and parcel with my work, unfortunately. No amount of cocaine or weed can mask that.

Thanks for your comment!

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>>CoffeeMinion
Really glad you liked it! Was well aware ever since you've reviewed Copper Cicada (remember that?) that pony horror is your cup of tea coffee, so I'm glad it panned out well. Also, thanks for the editing catch!

I do wonder about whether or not there'll be an exclusive sister group / subgroup in the FimFic WriteOff group for our particular set of entries. Could probably help out with promoting future events.

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>>Moosetasm
Glad to hear you liked it! Thanks for the comment!

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>>_Moonshot
I have this habit of purple-prosing even in my most mundane stories, so your criticism really is justified. Luna's voicing here was drawn really from the more recent MLP episodes (nothing from the latest season though) as well as some stories on FimFic, namely Cynewulf's Exit Interview.

I do wonder what questions you were left off with by the end of this story. It may really help me out in expanding this story.

Thanks for the comment!

---

>>Flashgen

Glad to know that you liked it! As I've mentioned to Raisin above regarding the ending, it was something I fell back to because of the wordcount. I do want to tie it back to the Penumbra and give it a little bit more gruesomeness to really hit it home.

---

Once more, thanks again to everyone who participated, especially to those who commented and reviewed, be it here or in the Discord chat! Was really nice to hear everyone's thoughts on it! I'll be working on expanding this story soon-ish. I'll share it on Discord once it's in its final stages.

Here's to future rounds!

I don't like doing retrospectives so much. Usually I've either said most of what I had to say about the damn thing during my fake review, or I end up responding to commentators in a vindictive fashion. Rest assured, there won't be much of either here, although there might still be some degree of vindication. It's a hell of a feeling to get 3rd place, especially being place just below >>CoffeeMinion and >>WritingSpirit, since they're much more naturally attuned writers than me, and because getting 3rd place gives one the feeling of just being happy to be near the top. I was especially contented by this because at first I didn't think too much of the entry of mine that would end up getting a medal.

Let's go back in time and take a look at this.

A MODERN MARE IN SEARCH OF A SOUL: THE RETROSPECTIVE

It was a dreadful night, and the last night where I could submit some fiction for this contest. Going into the round, I assumed that since I had two days to submit something, I would surely have enough time to churn out two refined entries. So the first day of writing came, and I got no writing done. I did what I usually do during a round, which is try to work out the logistics of a story in my head, as opposed to outlining everything and making things easier for myself. This is a habit that I'll probably take to my grave. But by the end of the first day I at least had a good premise.

Then the second day came.

I must've spent about three hours on my other entry, my poor gay son, "Prince Cadance." Keep in mind that as I was working on this, I didn't think I would have the time or energy to work on another entry. Frankly, I knew it wouldn't do too well, although it did end up faring decently; it certainly turned out better than what one would imagine an M/M submission would be like. I was giddy with excitement about what I'd written; I was even proud of myself.

A few more hours passed by, and at this point it must've been 1 in the morning. I found myself in the mood for sloppy seconds, if you catch my drift. I was raised a good Christian boy, and tried resisting the temptation to indulge my darkest impulses; my hands quivered in anticipation; my mind raced with horribly lewd images. But, now being the godless human that I am, I gave in easily, and started up another document in FiMFiction. Oh, the pure sin of it made my mouth water...

Anyway, I'd had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while, which truth be told is often what happens when you examine a prompt for its potential; you think about how well an old and unused story premise would line up with it. I'd wanted to write about Fleur de Lis in particular, because she's the perfect example of a vapid Canterlot bourgeois pony who might have depths of anguish and disillusionment beneath all the glitter. One of the major advantages that horse writing has over She-Ra writing is that there are many "characters" one can write about without having to fear too much about continuity. What matters is the character's design, where they live, what they (probably) do for a living, and bam, you can invent a character study with just enough of a framework to make it distinctly horse-like.

Within 90 minutes I had the whole thing started, finished, polished, and submitted. It was quick and dirty, but oddly satisfying, since I knew what I wanted to do with Fleur's character from the outset, as opposed to "Prince Cadance" where I was constantly tinkering with pacing and characterization.

And also making sure shit didn't get too gay.

Now it's time to respond to people, and why all of you are correct.

>>CoffeeMinion

The two immediate flaws you point out are the brevity of the cat scene and the questionnaire at the end. With the cat scene I would've preferred it be longer and examine Fleur's psychology more, but the word ceiling is never my friend. The questionnaire is less forgivable, since it frankly comes off as edgy, and I still can't come up with a good pretense for it. I guess I'll get rid of it, even if its absence makes the ending out to be more of an anti-climax.

>>Moosetasm

I don't know why I said "eons," it's dumb. Should've been weeks or months, probably.

>>LoftyWithers

I wasn't quite sure as to what to do with Fancy Pants, but the show doesn't know either so it's fine. I like to think that his flirtatious interactions with Fleur while in public are just for show, and that he really prefers being a bachelor. Also, I can't tell if you cringed at the questionnaire because it's rough or because it's edgy, but just know that I feel you either way.

>>_Moonshot

Much like the cat scene, the episode with Hoity Toity was meant to be longer, with Fleur's insecurity being more gradually introduced, but once again, the word ceiling is the enemy; it's especially the enemy when you're working with such a limited word count and you wanna write a lot of short scenes like I did. Fleur's anguish is largely self-imposed, although she does have some legitimate problems on her hooves: she's an immigrant in a city that will never truly accept her, she is unable to enter a satisfying relationship, and she works in an industry that quite literally treats people as objects. I suspect she would have at least a few nights where she doesn't dream so happily.

>>WritingSpirit

I'm still surprised that structurally it's not a complete mess, considering I was coming up with most of the scenes on the fly, and it didn't take me long to give up on the semblance of a linear narrative. I don't like writing linear stories so much; they make me anxious. But there's still that dilemma where I want to convey the progressive disillusionment while also keeping that freewheeling sense of a dream narrative. Some dreams are startlingly vivid, even if they lack a concrete sense of time progression; they are often defined by how you react to something in a particular moment, regardless of what may have happened before and what might happen afterward. It's a screwy idea that still needs time in the oven.

>>Flashgen

I'm glad you connected with it. The whole point is to empathize with someone whose lifestyle is perceived as totally alien by most people. You can make a rich person out to be pretty relatable; it just depends on the angle of attack. This story would be insufferable if Fleur was a clueless git who cried, "Oh woe is me, I'm so pretty and rich, but all the peasants look down on me!" She's a lot more self-aware than that, and I think that's what makes it work.

You can count on an expansion (to like 3000 words, maybe) and publication of this entry, although maybe not by tomorrow or the day after that. Gimme some time, damnit, and stay beautiful.

Last night, just before I fell asleep, to quell the perfectionist in me I told myself I'd be incredibly happy if I woke up to fifth place. So I woke up to this instead, and even though there's still some part of me screaming about how my entry was bad and how I struggled to empathize with my own characters, I will graciously accept my result. Thanks so much to everyone for the compliments and the criticisms, I really appreciate it!

So first, onto the story writing process. It was just past midnight, and I had zero ideas on where to start. I had two goals in mind, though. One was to potentially write something fit for expansion, maybe vaguely tangential to some other things I've written. The other was to write something small and feel-good, if just for my own sake. So all I did was write one sentence. Then the next based on the previous one, then the next based on the previous two, and so on. No outline, no direction, just write until I reach the wordcount. Eventually I figured someone would probably write a story based on Daring Do's physical adventures, so I decided to write one based on her lesser explored emotional side.

Ok, reviews! My fake-review covered most of the important things, I hope. Basic things first:
>>Baal Bunny
>>Flashgen
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Y'know, I specifically made a note to myself to avoid the gender mix-up and then totally forgot about it. I will chalk this up to my relative inexperience writing ponies, but duly noted for next time. I really like this suggestion of contextualizing the meeting, and I will do my best to follow it before publishing on Fimfic!

>>CoffeeMinion
Can't believe I got put down as strong, haha. Thank you! Yup, it was a personal choice, and one where I can understand if it worked less for some people than others. One quick question, where do you think the color stone thing should have been placed?

>>WritingSpirit
Totally understand your qualms, and I'll do my best to fix them. You were spot on about the rushed ending and dialogue. I'm still debating whether to switch POVs or not, but I think if I decide to keep the current one, I'll elaborate a little more on Wild Ace's own thoughts and motivations.

>>No_Raisin
I do not deserve a review this good. Really. But thank you so much for all the positive support here and in Discord; I really appreciate it!

>>Moosetasm
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :)

>>WritingSpirit
I'm gonna try to be as thorough as I can, so some of this is gonna be super nitpicky. Obviously not all of this has to be answered; what fun is a piece if it doesn't leave the readers with any questions left to ask? :P

What compelled the Mýrarhryssur to wander around, then presumably commit suicide in the first place?
How did Luna watch them get claimed by the abyss before she turned fifteen, if that abyss was from the rotunda?
Why was Lady Canary okay with this? How did she feel when she saw her mentor getting claimed?
Why are some of the Mýrarhryssur frozen around the rotunda instead of being claimed within it?
I find the phrase "It was eyeless" interesting, because it's the only one that refers to Lady Canary as an "it". I was curious if this had any significant meaning.
What is the overall purpose of the Penumbra, if Luna had to rarely return to it afterwards?
Is the vision of Lady Canary real? If so, why is she beckoning to Luna if Luna does not have a student to teach the Penumbra to yet?
If Luna is basically immortal, how will the Penumbra factor into her future?

>>No_Raisin
How come I don’t get an actual review?

>>_Moonshot
There are probably a few places where you could put the stone and have it work. Here's one that jumped out at me:

She gives me a terse smile. “Well, like I said, I just like visiting fans. And I...” Her smile turns into frustration. She groans. “Buck it,” she mutters to herself. “Just tell him.”

I could envision Daring fidgeting with it here, and Wild Ace getting a first glimpse of it. But to generalize the point: plant seeds and lay groundwork for it early if it's going to be relevant later. Call it "foreshadowing," or call it "hanging the gun above Chekhov's mantle"--use small hints and appearances of it to inform the reader that Daring has something, and to spark the reader's curiosity about what it is. (For the latter, probably do this by showing Wild Ace himself getting curious and/or frustrated that he can't quite make it out clearly.)

>>Moosetasm
I legitimately wasn't sure what to say about it, and unfortunately I never got around to doing a real review. :(

>>No_Raisin
Oh, ok, lol as long as it wasn’t because it was “that bad.”

>>_Moonshot
These are honestly some excellent questions, the nitpickier the better. I definitely have the proper answers for almost all of them. Whether or not they'll be answered in my expanded version is still up in the air, though I'll be hinting towards it throughout.

---

What compelled the Mýrarhryssur to wander around, then presumably commit suicide in the first place?
Honestly, nothing much. The Dream World here is depicted to have a storage limit, so all the dreams that were over will be discarded. The Mýrarhryssur are living creatures that were dreamed up and are left behind when the pony wakes up from the dream, so when they lost their purpose, they're just wandering around aimlessly until they too get viscerally discarded by the Penumbra.

How did Luna watch them get claimed by the abyss before she turned fifteen, if that abyss was from the rotunda?
All of that dying happens outside the rotunda. Think of it as an everyday sight in the Penumbra.

Why was Lady Canary okay with this? How did she feel when she saw her mentor getting claimed?
Like with her mentor before her, Lady Canary came to an understanding that the power should be returned. Why specifically, I don't think it's a question this story will answer. It's something that Luna herself doesn't have the answer to, even after speculating for a thousand or so years.

As for how Lady Canary felt when she saw her mentor being claimed, I'd like to think that she reacted the same way Luna did in this story. She came around to it though, the mystery of which is exactly what I believe will help this story be compelling.

Why are some of the Mýrarhryssur frozen around the rotunda instead of being claimed within it?
It's something that the Penumbra decided to keep. I wanted to mention that the rotunda was actually built by the first dreamwalker to indicate where to go when their job is done, but alas I had to leave it out.

Does the 'it' in "It was eyeless" have any significant meaning?
The 'it' here refers to her smile. Yeah, it doesn't really have any other meaning besides that. Cool thought, though.

What is the overall purpose of the Penumbra, if Luna had to rarely return to it afterwards?
The Penumbra's just there to discard old dreams to make way for new ones. It doesn't need Luna for it to work. In fact, it's been there long since before Luna or Canary or really anyone else even.

That's really the thing with cosmic / Lovecraftian horror. It highlights just how insignificant our existence, or in this case, Luna's existence really is in the grander scheme of things. It doesn't have a moral compass or need a purpose, it's just a force of nature. A weight placed to balance out the scales of the Dream World.

Is the vision of Lady Canary real?
It wasn't really clear in this story, but no, this is just a version of Lady Canary that Luna dreamt up herself from time to time to gather her thoughts and bring some logic into what is really an illogical situation. I also wanted to write out a part where Luna has a recurring nightmare of Lady Canary beckoning her into the pool as well. The real Lady Canary is long gone.

If Luna is basically immortal, how will the Penumbra factor into her future?
That's really the small light at the end of the tunnel. With Luna being immortal, there's no need for her to pass it on, which means she doesn't need to dip herself into the pool. It's something that I'll bring up during her discussions with her projection of Lady Canary as I've mentioned in the previous question.

What it means to have no successor, however, will be something weighing on Luna's mind for eternity. What would the Penumbra do? Would it wreak havoc upon the real world? Would it just dissipate and leave all the dreams to start piling up? It'll be a dilemma she's going to need to live with for the rest of her life unless she chooses to pass it on, which would entail her going skinny-dipping. That's really what she's grappling with here.

---

So yeah, hope those answers will suffice! Thanks again for your questions, the whole process of answering them really helped me with reclarifying the direction of this story for me.

Hope to see you again in the next round!

Before I dig into this, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who participated in the contest--whether or not you read this, commented on it, et cetera. I’ve long felt that a word limit in this range would open up good possibilities for authors who enjoy writing short but who are frustrated by the current Minific limits. You guys proved me right!

On that note, this story grew out of one of my recurring pet peeves with the Minific word limit: you can’t write an adventure story in 750 words. Or at least I can’t. That doesn’t mean my instincts and desires don’t keep skewing in that direction, though; it seems like I inevitably gravitate toward adventure during Mini rounds, which leaves me with the choice of cranking out something “fun but flawed,” or slogging through something smaller and more personal that actually works in 750 words.

So I knew going into this that I wanted to try writing a short adventure.

What I didn’t know was that Cheese would be waiting for me.

I’ve written one other story involving Cheese Sandwich. It was a dark AU story where Cheese is one part Weird Al, three parts The Joker, and by far the most twisted character I’ve put on the page. Some of you noted that the Cheese in this story is a bit dark at times; where that came from was the same basic characterization as in the other story, just filtered through a much less broken world. In this, his affection for Pinkie shows through in strange and almost worshipful terms… yet at the same time, he’s not being very focused in his quest to find her. Chalk it up to him being a good guy at heart, but with a lot of self-doubt, a mild tendency to laugh at things that others find disturbing, and a very definite breaking point.

Caballeron could beat Cheese up all day and Cheese wouldn’t take it personally. But if Caballeron had actually cut Boneless…

*shudder*

>>No_Raisin
The “consent is sexy” line was a very last-minute thing that came out as I was tweaking Cheese’s response to the Sphinx’s temptation. I originally had him saying something more flowery, but I needed to shave a few words off--and it dawned on me that changing it to this was bound to get some kind of reaction.

>>CoffeeMinion
For what it’s worth--and I know this is going to sound self-indulgent--I honestly feel this was a good fic that competed strongly against a good field. And it’s a tremendous thrill to get my second medal evar for it! This has a few flaws, but I’m not planning to change much before I post it.

>>LoftyWithers
I appreciate the notes here. Thank you!

>>Moosetasm

Excuse me, have you ever danced with devils food cake in the pale moonlight?

Have I toooold… you latelyyyyy… that I loooove yooooo... :-p

>>_Moonshot
Good thoughts. I definitely took some liberties with word choice, though part of that was motivated by my struggle with the word count. While I hoped that people would take this opportunity to write Minifics that didn’t have to work so hard to cut words at the end… I actually ran afoul of my same old classic problem of having to cut off ~200 words when I was done with my first draft. (YES ROGER YOU WERE RIGHT BUT 200 IS A MUCH SMALLER PERCENTAGE OF 1250 THAN 750 SO BOO ON YOU!!

That’s also why it wasn’t clearer that this was set before Cheese reconnected with Pinkie in S4. But part of the decision to skip that came from some feedback I got on the original Writeoff version of Bra Quest! In that, I shoehorned Limestone’s age into the first paragraph because I needed to establish it somewhere, otherwise things might get confusing soon after. But people pretty much just said that was something I’d be better off establishing in the story’s long description on FimFiction. So again, being in the situation where I was low on word count here, I decided to go light on that establishing information and trust in the material & my future ability to clear that up when it gets published.

It was a calculated risk, but I think it was the right one.

>>Flashgen
Thanks much! And I love putting characters together who might never otherwise get to interact. I like your thoughts about expansion, and I’ll consider them seriously. I’ve also got a small amount of cut content from the very first over-long draft (which I saved!) that should help make things breathe easier.

---

And that’s all, folks! Thanks for reading, thanks for the medal, and I hope to send more fic your way soon!

>>Anon Y Mous
>>No_Raisin
>>_Moonshot
>>LoftyWithers
>>Moosetasm

Lol, you nerds. :-p

So yes, I did this as a bit of a joke—but I hope you found it to be a good-natured one. The pickle stood out as a strong recurring element of Recipe For Love, and I thought it would be fun to do something with that.

I also had a pickle, which helped.

But this wasn’t a total joke! The JoJo symbols were actually the very first vectors I’ve ever created from scratch! So, simple as this was, it represented a step forward for me in terms of arting.

<3

Well, this is a fine way to discover that I didn't have my notification preferences set properly. :P

Anyway, thanks to >>CoffeeMinion's gentle prod, I've gotten the FIMFiction folder for this round created: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/200535/folder/68985/2019-09-uncharted-territory

Go ahead and add your stories there once you get them published to FIMFic!

Extremely belated retrospective time!

First of all, thank you all so much for your comments. I have pretty much no experience writing comedy, so I was pleasantly surprised that this was as well-received as it was. I still can't really believe that this got 5th place.

This story was a shower idea I thought was silly and I decided to write it because it was fun.

I uh. I don't think I actually have much else to say for this part, so let's just get to the replies, shall we?


>>No_Raisin
I agree that the first scene sucks. The original version was also bad, and I tried to save it, but I just ended up making it worse. :(

>>Señor Alta Cruz
Thank you!

>>_Moonshot
Yeah, that was the start of the idea. I've got really bad anxiety and tend to doubt myself about simple things--like, as an example, whether I'm spelling yellow correctly--and often find myself googling things to make sure I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I guess when I saw "unchartered territory" my brain started forming this idea.

"That would explain a lot" is basically an equivalent of "Oh, so that's why you're like this". It's not a positive statement about whoever you're saying it to.

>>Moosetasm
Yeah, I wanted to balance the pacing more, but time crunch kicked my ass.

>>CoffeeMinion
I agree 100% that I didn't do enough with either the jokes actually here or the opportunities for additional jokes. Combination of time crunch and a lack of experience writing comedy... As one example, Rainbow Dash was supposed to be more prominent, acting as the voice of reason to Daring's apathy and Twilight's... twilighting. A little of that made it through, but not as much as I'd have liked.

There are other places, though, that I really did not even consider the jokes beyond a surface level. The house, for example, came from the thrilling and brilliant thought process of "heh, it'd be kinda funny if the 'temple' they went to was actually a house". That was it. You've genuinely put more thought into that gag than I did.

>>Flashgen
Thank you for the kind words! I've definitely got at least a couple of ideas for jokes to work into the final version.




Maybe I'll get my other retrospective done before Halloween...