Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Daring Do and the Unfortunate Case of Unchartered Territory
Twilight paced around the foyer of the castle. She had everything ready for her date tonight except for one thing. So now all she could do was wait to hear—
"Special delivery for Princess Twilight!"
—that! Twilight quickly schooled her expression, projecting confidence befitting a princess—and definitely not schoolfilly excitement. Twilight opened the door and smiled at Ditzy Doo. "Thank you so much. Say hi to Dinky for me, okay?"
Ditzy smiled wide. "Of course Princess! Have a good day!"
Twilight walked back into the castle, teleporting up to one of her private reading rooms. She was ready for a glorious, relaxing day. A couple of glasses of wine, a pillow large enough for several ponies to relax on, a soft blanket, and now the latest Daring Do book. All that was missing was—
"Hey, Twilight!"
—a certain blue pegasus to wrap her wing around. She beamed at Rainbow Dash as she deftly flew through the open window—you learn pretty quickly to leave a window open when you're expecting Dash. She couldn't keep from bouncing on her hooves excitedly.
"It's here it's here it's here!"
Rainbow Dash chuckled, stretching out on the pillow. "Heh, I can see that. C'mon, let's get started already! I pulled double shifts all week to get time off today and I want to make the most of it."
Twilight giggled and walked over to the pillow, laying down and wrapping Rainbow Dash in a wing, bringing the blanket up and over them. Taking a sip of her wine, she appreciated the blush on her marefriend's face much more than the complex flavors of the wine.
She opened up the book and began reading, "Chapter One: In the Brush."
Daring Do was cursing her luck. She had been hoping for an easy adventure for once, but it seemed that wasn't in the cards today. She peeked through the low-lying plant life as she laid low. It was Ahueizotl and Cabelleron! This wasn't the first time they'd worked together, but it happened so rarely that it always made her rue her rotten luck.
She thought about how she'd ended up here, in unchartered territory. It all started with the Tiara of Enlightenment—a misnomer if she’d ever seen one—and...
Wait...
Rainbow Dash turned to stare at her marefriend. "What's wrong Twilight?"
Twilight stared at the book, paling and gaping. "It's the wrong word...." The book fell out of her telekinetic grasp as she bolted from the pillow until she was pressed flat against the wall, shaking her head in disbelief as she shakily pointed at the book. "She used the wrong word, Dash! It's not 'unchartered', it's uncharted!"
"Uh, so? Mistakes happen, Twi, it's not that big of a deal." Rainbow Dash worked very hard to keep her eyes still; it was always a bad idea to roll them when Twilight was twilighting this hard.
Twilight began pacing, and Rainbow Dash sighed with relief; looks like they'd gone down from level two twilighting to level one.
"It is a big deal, these books are made for foals, and if they read them, they're going to learn the wrong word!"
Rainbow Dash squinted at her. "Uh, I don't think these books are made for foals."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "They definitely are. I mean, I read them as a foal!"
Rainbow tapped her chin before responding, "You know, that explains a lot."
"And what does that mean?" She shook her head. "Never mind, not important. We need to go see Daring Do."
"...To go on an awesome adventure?"
"To lecture her!"
Rainbow Dash groaned and she tried very hard to ignore it.
"...And that's why we're here!"
"Uh..." Daring Do rubbed the back of her head. "Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I guess? I'll fix it for the next edition, but there's not much I can do now."
"B-but the foals!"
"Princess, I don't write my books for foals."
"Oh yeah? Then why did I read them as a foal, huh?" Twilight smirked.
"Wait, you did?" Daring Do tapped her chin. "That would explain a lot, actually."
Twilight sputtered. "Wait, what does that mean?"
"Ha! I told you!"
Twilight gave her marefriend a look. Not the good kind, mind you, the 'you will sleep on the couch for a month' type look. Rainbow Dash quickly went from giggling to stoic.
Daring Do rolled her eyes at the couple. "Look, not to be short with you two, but I've really got to go take care of this temple. I think it's got something to do with a necromancer or something? They all just kind of blend together after a while."
Rainbow Dash squeed. "Oh oh oh, we can come and help! This sounds so awesome!"
"Yeah, and then I'll get my chance to lecture you!"
Rainbow Dash groaned and Daring Do stared in disbelief and she tried very hard to ignore it.
"...sure, language evolves over time, but that doesn't give you an excuse to use words however you want," Twilight countered while blasting some plants with magic bolts. Daring Do and Rainbow Dash fell to the ground after they were released from its clutches.
"Glub blub glug glub!" Twilight exclaimed as they swam through the murky moats of the definitely evil temple that they just didn't know the name of.
"And anyways, I just don't understand how an error like that could be missed. It was on the first page, an editor should have caught it."
"I'm self-published," Daring Do spat out from around her flashlight as her wings maneuvered lockpicking tools. Really, it sounded more like 'ahm shref pubwis', but Twilight had spent enough time around pegasi and earth ponies by this point to understand.
"Wait, what?"
Rainbow Dash fluttered down to them. "Uh, don't you guys think it's weird that there haven't been any traps here?"
"Maybe they decayed over time, Dash."
"But everything here is so well maintained!"
Rainbow and Twilight both turned when they heard a click. Putting away her lockpicking tools, Daring replied, "Well, I guess now we'll see."
Twilight and Rainbow flew back to the castle, frustration clear on both of their faces.
"I can't believe that was just someone's winter estate. What a waste of time."
Twilight groaned and threw her hooves up. "I know! I don't think she even paid attention to my lecture."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
"Special delivery for Princess Twilight!"
—that! Twilight quickly schooled her expression, projecting confidence befitting a princess—and definitely not schoolfilly excitement. Twilight opened the door and smiled at Ditzy Doo. "Thank you so much. Say hi to Dinky for me, okay?"
Ditzy smiled wide. "Of course Princess! Have a good day!"
Twilight walked back into the castle, teleporting up to one of her private reading rooms. She was ready for a glorious, relaxing day. A couple of glasses of wine, a pillow large enough for several ponies to relax on, a soft blanket, and now the latest Daring Do book. All that was missing was—
"Hey, Twilight!"
—a certain blue pegasus to wrap her wing around. She beamed at Rainbow Dash as she deftly flew through the open window—you learn pretty quickly to leave a window open when you're expecting Dash. She couldn't keep from bouncing on her hooves excitedly.
"It's here it's here it's here!"
Rainbow Dash chuckled, stretching out on the pillow. "Heh, I can see that. C'mon, let's get started already! I pulled double shifts all week to get time off today and I want to make the most of it."
Twilight giggled and walked over to the pillow, laying down and wrapping Rainbow Dash in a wing, bringing the blanket up and over them. Taking a sip of her wine, she appreciated the blush on her marefriend's face much more than the complex flavors of the wine.
She opened up the book and began reading, "Chapter One: In the Brush."
Daring Do was cursing her luck. She had been hoping for an easy adventure for once, but it seemed that wasn't in the cards today. She peeked through the low-lying plant life as she laid low. It was Ahueizotl and Cabelleron! This wasn't the first time they'd worked together, but it happened so rarely that it always made her rue her rotten luck.
She thought about how she'd ended up here, in unchartered territory. It all started with the Tiara of Enlightenment—a misnomer if she’d ever seen one—and...
Wait...
Rainbow Dash turned to stare at her marefriend. "What's wrong Twilight?"
Twilight stared at the book, paling and gaping. "It's the wrong word...." The book fell out of her telekinetic grasp as she bolted from the pillow until she was pressed flat against the wall, shaking her head in disbelief as she shakily pointed at the book. "She used the wrong word, Dash! It's not 'unchartered', it's uncharted!"
"Uh, so? Mistakes happen, Twi, it's not that big of a deal." Rainbow Dash worked very hard to keep her eyes still; it was always a bad idea to roll them when Twilight was twilighting this hard.
Twilight began pacing, and Rainbow Dash sighed with relief; looks like they'd gone down from level two twilighting to level one.
"It is a big deal, these books are made for foals, and if they read them, they're going to learn the wrong word!"
Rainbow Dash squinted at her. "Uh, I don't think these books are made for foals."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "They definitely are. I mean, I read them as a foal!"
Rainbow tapped her chin before responding, "You know, that explains a lot."
"And what does that mean?" She shook her head. "Never mind, not important. We need to go see Daring Do."
"...To go on an awesome adventure?"
"To lecture her!"
Rainbow Dash groaned and she tried very hard to ignore it.
"...And that's why we're here!"
"Uh..." Daring Do rubbed the back of her head. "Thanks for bringing that to my attention, I guess? I'll fix it for the next edition, but there's not much I can do now."
"B-but the foals!"
"Princess, I don't write my books for foals."
"Oh yeah? Then why did I read them as a foal, huh?" Twilight smirked.
"Wait, you did?" Daring Do tapped her chin. "That would explain a lot, actually."
Twilight sputtered. "Wait, what does that mean?"
"Ha! I told you!"
Twilight gave her marefriend a look. Not the good kind, mind you, the 'you will sleep on the couch for a month' type look. Rainbow Dash quickly went from giggling to stoic.
Daring Do rolled her eyes at the couple. "Look, not to be short with you two, but I've really got to go take care of this temple. I think it's got something to do with a necromancer or something? They all just kind of blend together after a while."
Rainbow Dash squeed. "Oh oh oh, we can come and help! This sounds so awesome!"
"Yeah, and then I'll get my chance to lecture you!"
Rainbow Dash groaned and Daring Do stared in disbelief and she tried very hard to ignore it.
"...sure, language evolves over time, but that doesn't give you an excuse to use words however you want," Twilight countered while blasting some plants with magic bolts. Daring Do and Rainbow Dash fell to the ground after they were released from its clutches.
"Glub blub glug glub!" Twilight exclaimed as they swam through the murky moats of the definitely evil temple that they just didn't know the name of.
"And anyways, I just don't understand how an error like that could be missed. It was on the first page, an editor should have caught it."
"I'm self-published," Daring Do spat out from around her flashlight as her wings maneuvered lockpicking tools. Really, it sounded more like 'ahm shref pubwis', but Twilight had spent enough time around pegasi and earth ponies by this point to understand.
"Wait, what?"
Rainbow Dash fluttered down to them. "Uh, don't you guys think it's weird that there haven't been any traps here?"
"Maybe they decayed over time, Dash."
"But everything here is so well maintained!"
Rainbow and Twilight both turned when they heard a click. Putting away her lockpicking tools, Daring replied, "Well, I guess now we'll see."
Twilight and Rainbow flew back to the castle, frustration clear on both of their faces.
"I can't believe that was just someone's winter estate. What a waste of time."
Twilight groaned and threw her hooves up. "I know! I don't think she even paid attention to my lecture."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
Daring Do being self-published is so relatable it hurts.
Something I liked:
There are many ways in which to characterize Twilight. One of the trickiest is to have her to be basically a helicopter parent, but more of a teacher, and here it works beautifully. She's so keen on lecturing Daring Doo for her hack fraudery that she will risk drowning to get the job done, and that's great for some laughs. I'm not sure if this entry made me laugh the most, but it got me to smirk the most consistently, which hey, a knowing smirk is like a silent laugh. The last 2/3 of this story is great stuff, with Daring Do herself providing about as many lulz as Twilight, much to my surprise.
Something I didn't like:
I do, however, feel that the first scene is clunky. It kind of drags; we don't need this much anticipation over a new Daring Do book. I'm also not sure what the point of TwiDash is here? It's a fine ship, and I like my ships, but the story doesn't really do anything with the fact that these two are marefriends. At least the other entries that are gay have a discernible point to the gayness. Doesn't help that there's little humor in the first scene.
Verdict: Kind of slow and rocky at first, but it gets better. How Daring Do responds to Twilight really hits me where the home is.
Something I liked:
There are many ways in which to characterize Twilight. One of the trickiest is to have her to be basically a helicopter parent, but more of a teacher, and here it works beautifully. She's so keen on lecturing Daring Doo for her hack fraudery that she will risk drowning to get the job done, and that's great for some laughs. I'm not sure if this entry made me laugh the most, but it got me to smirk the most consistently, which hey, a knowing smirk is like a silent laugh. The last 2/3 of this story is great stuff, with Daring Do herself providing about as many lulz as Twilight, much to my surprise.
Something I didn't like:
I do, however, feel that the first scene is clunky. It kind of drags; we don't need this much anticipation over a new Daring Do book. I'm also not sure what the point of TwiDash is here? It's a fine ship, and I like my ships, but the story doesn't really do anything with the fact that these two are marefriends. At least the other entries that are gay have a discernible point to the gayness. Doesn't help that there's little humor in the first scene.
Verdict: Kind of slow and rocky at first, but it gets better. How Daring Do responds to Twilight really hits me where the home is.
This story is beautiful like a son set sprinkling a palate of reds and yellows among the clouds.
It's a bit of a lark and nonsense, but everything in service to the joke. Good length choice.
You have my permission to write gay shit for no reason whatsoever. I support incidental shipping.
The boomerang joke worked great.
It's a bit of a lark and nonsense, but everything in service to the joke. Good length choice.
You have my permission to write gay shit for no reason whatsoever. I support incidental shipping.
The boomerang joke worked great.
Ok, before I start, was this story inspired by Googling "uncharted territory"? Not that it's a good or bad thing, but that was literally what I got when I was searching the topic haha
First quick point. Extraneous shipping is not my thing because I am a heartless bastard, so I won't comment too much on the shipping itself :^)
Ok, now onto the actual story itself. I found nothing wrong with the intro itself, except for the fact that it seems to be written as a really big buildup. I feel that for a whimsical story like this, a little less introduction and a little more action would have better suited the purpose.
Again, I will repeat that the premise itself is neither good nor bad, but I think when the conflict is a bit simpler, it's a little trickier to write an engaging narrative. This one in particular, I think, would have been doubly as good if it was written as a comic, especially since there are so many different short scenes and scene changes (pic submission artists, I'm watching you!). Maybe it's just a matter of personal taste, but I don't entirely agree with No Raisin's assessment of the story. Most of the humor I think wedges on Twilight being an obsessive grammar nazi, which as Raisin mentioned is tricky to pull off without turning off the reader, so I kind of found myself empathizing with Daring Do throughout this. One final question, what was the "that would explain a lot" referring to? I think I missed the memo on that one, as well as why Twilight was looking daggers at Rainbow over it.
With that being said, I do think the story was written pretty well. And for the purposes of writing a silly story, did it achieve its goals well? Absolutely! Thanks for the entry, anon!
First quick point. Extraneous shipping is not my thing because I am a heartless bastard, so I won't comment too much on the shipping itself :^)
Ok, now onto the actual story itself. I found nothing wrong with the intro itself, except for the fact that it seems to be written as a really big buildup. I feel that for a whimsical story like this, a little less introduction and a little more action would have better suited the purpose.
Again, I will repeat that the premise itself is neither good nor bad, but I think when the conflict is a bit simpler, it's a little trickier to write an engaging narrative. This one in particular, I think, would have been doubly as good if it was written as a comic, especially since there are so many different short scenes and scene changes (pic submission artists, I'm watching you!). Maybe it's just a matter of personal taste, but I don't entirely agree with No Raisin's assessment of the story. Most of the humor I think wedges on Twilight being an obsessive grammar nazi, which as Raisin mentioned is tricky to pull off without turning off the reader, so I kind of found myself empathizing with Daring Do throughout this. One final question, what was the "that would explain a lot" referring to? I think I missed the memo on that one, as well as why Twilight was looking daggers at Rainbow over it.
With that being said, I do think the story was written pretty well. And for the purposes of writing a silly story, did it achieve its goals well? Absolutely! Thanks for the entry, anon!
I like the plot and most of the execution on this one, but it seemed a little... fast paced, I think. Even before we get to the multiscene Twilight lecture, there are a few rapid fire scene transitions.
But other than that, it’s silly, fun story, much to enjoy.
But other than that, it’s silly, fun story, much to enjoy.
Genre: Twilighting
Thoughts: I do enjoy a bit of Ponies Behaving Badly, as well as Ponies Being Absurd. This strikes somewhere closer to the latter than the former, but still with shades of the former. So in that sense, this has a promising setup for me. We have a strong central joke, a suitable amount of dragging it out (which is good for this kind of humor), and at no point do voices of reason prevail. Thus far I’m with you, Author.
But after ruminating on it for a while, I can’t shake a certain feeling that the story‘s recurring joke space ultimately boils down to just one or two. It’s not that what we get is *bad*, it’s that it doesn’t feel like it goes far enough. The short scenes don’t do as much as they could to build up the absurdity because we don’t get to see many environmental clues in them; so then when it turns out to not have been a dungeon after all, the reveal feels very sudden and not as much like it was built up to.
Again though, this isn’t bad! If anything, I’m probably more inclined to pick on it because it makes me want to see essentially the same thing dialed up to 11. There’s great potential in things like the revelation that DD is self-published. Similarly, if they ended up raiding the wrong place, can we get some more resolution for the threads that generates? Imagine stumbling upon an irate homeowner who soon gets pulled into an argument with Twilight, to DD and RD’s embarrassment (yet also mild relief). And what about the *real* necromancer they were trying to stop? Bonus points if Twilight getting into a ridiculous argument with the homeowner leads to her (a) inadvertently revealing that the homeowner is indeed the necromancer, and (b) inadvertently stopping the necromancer by virtue of some trivial mistake during the argument.
But I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a lot of potential here that doesn’t quite land for me yet. It’s in there, but right now it’s—
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I do enjoy a bit of Ponies Behaving Badly, as well as Ponies Being Absurd. This strikes somewhere closer to the latter than the former, but still with shades of the former. So in that sense, this has a promising setup for me. We have a strong central joke, a suitable amount of dragging it out (which is good for this kind of humor), and at no point do voices of reason prevail. Thus far I’m with you, Author.
But after ruminating on it for a while, I can’t shake a certain feeling that the story‘s recurring joke space ultimately boils down to just one or two. It’s not that what we get is *bad*, it’s that it doesn’t feel like it goes far enough. The short scenes don’t do as much as they could to build up the absurdity because we don’t get to see many environmental clues in them; so then when it turns out to not have been a dungeon after all, the reveal feels very sudden and not as much like it was built up to.
Again though, this isn’t bad! If anything, I’m probably more inclined to pick on it because it makes me want to see essentially the same thing dialed up to 11. There’s great potential in things like the revelation that DD is self-published. Similarly, if they ended up raiding the wrong place, can we get some more resolution for the threads that generates? Imagine stumbling upon an irate homeowner who soon gets pulled into an argument with Twilight, to DD and RD’s embarrassment (yet also mild relief). And what about the *real* necromancer they were trying to stop? Bonus points if Twilight getting into a ridiculous argument with the homeowner leads to her (a) inadvertently revealing that the homeowner is indeed the necromancer, and (b) inadvertently stopping the necromancer by virtue of some trivial mistake during the argument.
But I guess what I’m saying is that there’s a lot of potential here that doesn’t quite land for me yet. It’s in there, but right now it’s—
Tier: Almost There
I enjoyed chuckling at this one. I think it's very in character, though certainly exaggerated, for Twilight to focus really hard on one error and lecturing Daring Do about it, and it makes for some comedic snapshots. That said, I do think there could be some more jokes worked in. I'm unsure about expanding it, as it feels good at the length it is, but maybe trying to get a little bit more in there wouldn't harm it too much.
Extremely belated retrospective time!
First of all, thank you all so much for your comments. I have pretty much no experience writing comedy, so I was pleasantly surprised that this was as well-received as it was. I still can't really believe that this got 5th place.
This story was a shower idea I thought was silly and I decided to write it because it was fun.
I uh. I don't think I actually have much else to say for this part, so let's just get to the replies, shall we?
>>No_Raisin
I agree that the first scene sucks. The original version was also bad, and I tried to save it, but I just ended up making it worse. :(
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Thank you!
>>_Moonshot
Yeah, that was the start of the idea. I've got really bad anxiety and tend to doubt myself about simple things--like, as an example, whether I'm spelling yellow correctly--and often find myself googling things to make sure I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I guess when I saw "unchartered territory" my brain started forming this idea.
"That would explain a lot" is basically an equivalent of "Oh, so that's why you're like this". It's not a positive statement about whoever you're saying it to.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, I wanted to balance the pacing more, but time crunch kicked my ass.
>>CoffeeMinion
I agree 100% that I didn't do enough with either the jokes actually here or the opportunities for additional jokes. Combination of time crunch and a lack of experience writing comedy... As one example, Rainbow Dash was supposed to be more prominent, acting as the voice of reason to Daring's apathy and Twilight's... twilighting. A little of that made it through, but not as much as I'd have liked.
There are other places, though, that I really did not even consider the jokes beyond a surface level. The house, for example, came from the thrilling and brilliant thought process of "heh, it'd be kinda funny if the 'temple' they went to was actually a house". That was it. You've genuinely put more thought into that gag than I did.
>>Flashgen
Thank you for the kind words! I've definitely got at least a couple of ideas for jokes to work into the final version.
Maybe I'll get my other retrospective done before Halloween...
First of all, thank you all so much for your comments. I have pretty much no experience writing comedy, so I was pleasantly surprised that this was as well-received as it was. I still can't really believe that this got 5th place.
This story was a shower idea I thought was silly and I decided to write it because it was fun.
I uh. I don't think I actually have much else to say for this part, so let's just get to the replies, shall we?
>>No_Raisin
I agree that the first scene sucks. The original version was also bad, and I tried to save it, but I just ended up making it worse. :(
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Thank you!
>>_Moonshot
Yeah, that was the start of the idea. I've got really bad anxiety and tend to doubt myself about simple things--like, as an example, whether I'm spelling yellow correctly--and often find myself googling things to make sure I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I guess when I saw "unchartered territory" my brain started forming this idea.
"That would explain a lot" is basically an equivalent of "Oh, so that's why you're like this". It's not a positive statement about whoever you're saying it to.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, I wanted to balance the pacing more, but time crunch kicked my ass.
>>CoffeeMinion
I agree 100% that I didn't do enough with either the jokes actually here or the opportunities for additional jokes. Combination of time crunch and a lack of experience writing comedy... As one example, Rainbow Dash was supposed to be more prominent, acting as the voice of reason to Daring's apathy and Twilight's... twilighting. A little of that made it through, but not as much as I'd have liked.
There are other places, though, that I really did not even consider the jokes beyond a surface level. The house, for example, came from the thrilling and brilliant thought process of "heh, it'd be kinda funny if the 'temple' they went to was actually a house". That was it. You've genuinely put more thought into that gag than I did.
>>Flashgen
Thank you for the kind words! I've definitely got at least a couple of ideas for jokes to work into the final version.
Maybe I'll get my other retrospective done before Halloween...