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I don't know what I'm doing!
Friendship is Short Shorts
Short Short
5th
60%
127
Extremely belated retrospective time!
First of all, thank you all so much for your comments. I have pretty much no experience writing comedy, so I was pleasantly surprised that this was as well-received as it was. I still can't really believe that this got 5th place.
This story was a shower idea I thought was silly and I decided to write it because it was fun.
I uh. I don't think I actually have much else to say for this part, so let's just get to the replies, shall we?
>>No_Raisin
I agree that the first scene sucks. The original version was also bad, and I tried to save it, but I just ended up making it worse. :(
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Thank you!
>>_Moonshot
Yeah, that was the start of the idea. I've got really bad anxiety and tend to doubt myself about simple things--like, as an example, whether I'm spelling yellow correctly--and often find myself googling things to make sure I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I guess when I saw "unchartered territory" my brain started forming this idea.
"That would explain a lot" is basically an equivalent of "Oh, so that's why you're like this". It's not a positive statement about whoever you're saying it to.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, I wanted to balance the pacing more, but time crunch kicked my ass.
>>CoffeeMinion
I agree 100% that I didn't do enough with either the jokes actually here or the opportunities for additional jokes. Combination of time crunch and a lack of experience writing comedy... As one example, Rainbow Dash was supposed to be more prominent, acting as the voice of reason to Daring's apathy and Twilight's... twilighting. A little of that made it through, but not as much as I'd have liked.
There are other places, though, that I really did not even consider the jokes beyond a surface level. The house, for example, came from the thrilling and brilliant thought process of "heh, it'd be kinda funny if the 'temple' they went to was actually a house". That was it. You've genuinely put more thought into that gag than I did.
>>Flashgen
Thank you for the kind words! I've definitely got at least a couple of ideas for jokes to work into the final version.
Maybe I'll get my other retrospective done before Halloween...
First of all, thank you all so much for your comments. I have pretty much no experience writing comedy, so I was pleasantly surprised that this was as well-received as it was. I still can't really believe that this got 5th place.
This story was a shower idea I thought was silly and I decided to write it because it was fun.
I uh. I don't think I actually have much else to say for this part, so let's just get to the replies, shall we?
>>No_Raisin
I agree that the first scene sucks. The original version was also bad, and I tried to save it, but I just ended up making it worse. :(
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Thank you!
>>_Moonshot
Yeah, that was the start of the idea. I've got really bad anxiety and tend to doubt myself about simple things--like, as an example, whether I'm spelling yellow correctly--and often find myself googling things to make sure I'm not going to make a fool of myself. I guess when I saw "unchartered territory" my brain started forming this idea.
"That would explain a lot" is basically an equivalent of "Oh, so that's why you're like this". It's not a positive statement about whoever you're saying it to.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, I wanted to balance the pacing more, but time crunch kicked my ass.
>>CoffeeMinion
I agree 100% that I didn't do enough with either the jokes actually here or the opportunities for additional jokes. Combination of time crunch and a lack of experience writing comedy... As one example, Rainbow Dash was supposed to be more prominent, acting as the voice of reason to Daring's apathy and Twilight's... twilighting. A little of that made it through, but not as much as I'd have liked.
There are other places, though, that I really did not even consider the jokes beyond a surface level. The house, for example, came from the thrilling and brilliant thought process of "heh, it'd be kinda funny if the 'temple' they went to was actually a house". That was it. You've genuinely put more thought into that gag than I did.
>>Flashgen
Thank you for the kind words! I've definitely got at least a couple of ideas for jokes to work into the final version.
Maybe I'll get my other retrospective done before Halloween...
I really liked the majority of this story. It isn't perfect, but most of my critiques have already been said so I won't bother repeating those. The ending, however, feels disconnected.
Like Miller said, there aren't really any clues for the ending, so I was blindsided by the narcotics, which had never even been vaguely referenced before. And the fact that his dad was, seemingly at least, a drug-induced hallucination was very jarring to me. The first time I had any reason to believe that earlier instances of his dad interacting with physical objects weren't what they seemed was at the very end when we find out the knives were never moved and that the blood wasn't real. I have experience with hallucinations, and one of the ways you are taught to dismantle them and remind yourself they aren't real is that hallucinations can not interact with physical objects. My initial assumption was honestly that a hallucination was interacting with physical objects and that cheapened the emotional buildup for me.
Also, while I really like the emotional buildup thats here, I do hope you add more for the finished story. I'm a sucker for some good emotional drama and turmoil.
Like Miller said, there aren't really any clues for the ending, so I was blindsided by the narcotics, which had never even been vaguely referenced before. And the fact that his dad was, seemingly at least, a drug-induced hallucination was very jarring to me. The first time I had any reason to believe that earlier instances of his dad interacting with physical objects weren't what they seemed was at the very end when we find out the knives were never moved and that the blood wasn't real. I have experience with hallucinations, and one of the ways you are taught to dismantle them and remind yourself they aren't real is that hallucinations can not interact with physical objects. My initial assumption was honestly that a hallucination was interacting with physical objects and that cheapened the emotional buildup for me.
Also, while I really like the emotional buildup thats here, I do hope you add more for the finished story. I'm a sucker for some good emotional drama and turmoil.
This story is short and sweet, but it feels very fluffy even though I don't think it wants to be. Like Coffee said, there are sections that feel like padding, and either removing them or tightening them up would really help this story feel more focused.
More importantly, though, is what Miller said about how Sugar Belle feels damsel-y, because I agree. Big Mac says that Sugar Belle is strong, but I don't see it here right now. I feel like even something as simple as some extra dialogue would help a lot. Maybe she talks about how hard it is to be strong sometimes or how someone in the crowd said something that struck an insecurity of hers, something to make the conflict feel more real.
More importantly, though, is what Miller said about how Sugar Belle feels damsel-y, because I agree. Big Mac says that Sugar Belle is strong, but I don't see it here right now. I feel like even something as simple as some extra dialogue would help a lot. Maybe she talks about how hard it is to be strong sometimes or how someone in the crowd said something that struck an insecurity of hers, something to make the conflict feel more real.
>>Miller Minus
I'm pretty sure Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash came back to the Everfree Forest, considering the focus on the storm there earlier, along with:
Anyways, I don't think I have anything to add that hasn't already been said. This is a very good story, author, and with even just a little more work it could be really great.
I'm pretty sure Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash came back to the Everfree Forest, considering the focus on the storm there earlier, along with:
She felt all around herself. In this realm, in this forest, everything felt right. But outside, everything was too orderly, too rigid. Poor little animals, forced to rely on help from ponies for survival because ponies had taken away all the wildness they could have kept themselves alive with otherwise.
Anyways, I don't think I have anything to add that hasn't already been said. This is a very good story, author, and with even just a little more work it could be really great.
Zephyr lacked the words to properly describe the elegant and gothic assemblages of black buttons, black bows, black corsets, black gowns, or other, more ephemeral sundries—also black—in which she dressed.
That might be my favorite quote from this whole thing. A few other points made me chuckle, but this almost made me spit take.
>>CoffeeMinion
I'm tempted to make this a real story.
Sink or Sparky: It’s the season’s wackiest black comedy, where Twilight literally cannot stop trying to drown herself over her unrequited love, but also can’t die because she’s immortal! ...Wait, no, that not a comedy, that’s awful.
I'm tempted to make this a real story.