Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

Sum 1 tetch me hao too right gud pls
Uncharted Territory
Friendship is Short Shorts Short Short
Crossing Over
Friendship is Short Shorts Short Story
Dead Griffon Walking
Bronze medalLightbulb
Cutting Corners
FiM Short Story
The Butterfly
Poetry Minific
The Devil's in the Details
Original Short Story
Lost and Found
Bronze medalConfetti
Poetry Minific
Little Moments
Why doesn't it rhyme?
Poetry Minific
Ethereal Dreams
FiM Minific
Facts and Feelings
#23213 · 5

#23221 · 5
· on Dead Griffon Walking
>>Miller Minus
>>Baal Bunny
Wow, thanks for the seriously in-depth comments this time around. I really appreciate it! This was my first ever time trying to write horror, and all things considered I didn't do an abysmal job at the very least (even though it was totally a rush job :S), whew! Still, I learned a lot from your feedback about how to include information in the right places, and I will definitely be taking it into account during editing and for future stories to come.

Just a quick couple things. The title was just a reference to the phrase "dead man walking," a play on the fact that the father is dead, but that the son is the dead griffon walking -- someone who is about to face an unavoidable loss. Yeah, I realized a little too late that this story was way out of the normal MLP context, but better submit something than not, I guess. I'll definitely be tweaking it a little more to be more in-context. Finally, as surprising as it may be, it actually wasn't my intention during the writing process to link the narcotics with the hallucinations! I planned the manifestation of the father as some inexplicable force due to the guilt alone, but I see how the narcotics make sense, and maybe I'll try incorporating that into the final draft a little more. As for the interaction with physical objects, and also a little with the father's personality, I think I tried mixing something between the very little that I remember from Fight Club and Mr. Robot, but I don't think it quite worked out, so I'll be changing that a little, too.

Again, thanks for all the comments! Will try my best to get this out tomorrow, just in time for spoop :)
#22627 · 4
· on Facing the Storm

I dunno why, but I think I had the most difficulty forming an opinion on this story. The other commenters did a pretty good job of getting to the core of it so I'll echo what they say.

First, I think the characterization of Rocky Road was pretty good, and I enjoyed getting to know his personality and motivations. Thought the final reveal was pretty clever. I was mixed on his inner thoughts, though, and they didn't entirely work for me for one reason or another. Maybe some of it was due to some repetition I felt was maybe not needed? For ex: I would have cut the second "fool" part and the "and figure out a map was" part.

Agree with Baal that the grammar could've used some work, and he gives some pretty good examples.

I would have appreciated some character expansion on Rose. All we know is she's good at maps and likes mapping things. In the final scene though, I was confused by her dialogue, where she wonders why they're "wasting time" making maps, which is something I feel she wouldn't believe. Also am curious as to why she sticks with Rocky Road.

I think the initial description of the buffalo is a bit long-winded, and I think did more to confuse me than intrigue me as to what the creatures were. Maybe an earlier reveal that they were buffalos would've served the purpose better, so then you can actually describe their imposing stature a little more in detail. Also agree that there should be maybe more tension. The buildup was really good, but I think the problem might have been solved a little too quickly. Noting here real quick though, I really enjoyed Rocky Road's outer dialogue here; it was probably one of the highlights of the entire story.

I think the final scene could benefit well from some additional expansion. Aside from going more in depth about Rose's situation, maybe there could be some more depth into Rocky Road's relationship with the grunts too, which I find kind of suspect. There are a couple sentences that are a little awkward or could be elaborated on too, for ex: "After seeing that sequence four more times" and "her naivety wasn’t going to be doing her any favors from here out".

Overall though, this was pretty enjoyable and I'd look forward to any additional expansion featuring a more developed whole cast. Thanks for the entry, anon!
#22659 · 4
· on They tried to put me on the cover of Vogue,
...bUt I dIdN't LiStEn
#22716 · 4
· on Upon Reflection, I Have Several Regrets · >>The_Letter_J
I'm posting a short review on this one because the longer one was deemed to take up too much memory, and I would probably get sued by the government or something. Alas, I cannot regale you with enough glowing praise to fit 3 Jupiter's worth of Bibles.

Too long; didn't read
Twenty out of ten shitpost
So: instant top slate
#22821 · 4
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
I submitted this prompt as a joke oh no oh no
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

(Or, am I not sorry? :thonk:)
#23222 · 4
· on Well, this one does. Kinda. · >>Bachiavellian
#23237 · 4
· on Night Walker · >>Anon Y Mous
This poem clearly describe a Bone Gnawer character from Werewolf: the Apocalypse—a stray that Mother Larissa welcomed into New York's Sept of the Green. She kept her human job, which this poem describes. Using the same words, it also describes her battle against agents of the Weaver or the Wyrm.

#23266 · 4
· on Dead Griffon Walking
I published a thing

Now time to go study for midterms so that I don't disappoint my actual father byeeeee
#22617 · 3
· on Recipe for Love · >>LoftyWithers
So I am pretty sure I know who wrote this. So sure, in fact, that most of my comments will be directly towards this person. And if I happen to be wrong, then I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep until I die, probably.

Really enjoyed the first scene. Characterization is great, and the dialogue is natural. As someone who once cooked a dish so bad that I dubbed it "Hawaiian Nuclear Disaster" (the much-awaited sequel to Hawaiian Missile Crisis), I totally empathized with Bon Bon. Overall, this did a good job of having me complete the picture without everything needing to be said. In places, the wording was a little weird, and I think personally I enjoy slightly longer paragraphs, but that didn't really detract from the scene.

So I think the second scene, like most other commenters are suggesting, is what needs work the most. Also had some POV issues right off the bat which significantly slowed my reading. Some of the dialogue I also found a little weird, especially Octavia's, where I was kind of wondering why she was saying or thinking something.

And then...yeah, that section. If my guess on who wrote this is right, then I'm just not gonna point out any flaws that any of the other commenters have suggested. You do you I guess. Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)

If this isn't who I think it is then I apologize immensely but also why did you write this. Why why why why

On a second read, though, I really have to wonder why either pony even thought suggesting those names was okay except for the comedic relief. I get that this scene is supposed to portray how Lyra is being totally embarrassing to Bon Bon, but I think it played out a little too long for my personal taste, so it partially ruined my enjoyment of the story as a whole.

The ending was sweet though. I snorted at the pickle. Best Worst Chekhov's gun in world history. Thanks for the entry, probably not anon!