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Uncharted Territory
Friendship is Short Shorts Short Short
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Dead Griffon Walking
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Cutting Corners
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The Devil's in the Details
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#23213 · 5

#23221 · 5
· on Dead Griffon Walking
>>Miller Minus
>>Baal Bunny
Wow, thanks for the seriously in-depth comments this time around. I really appreciate it! This was my first ever time trying to write horror, and all things considered I didn't do an abysmal job at the very least (even though it was totally a rush job :S), whew! Still, I learned a lot from your feedback about how to include information in the right places, and I will definitely be taking it into account during editing and for future stories to come.

Just a quick couple things. The title was just a reference to the phrase "dead man walking," a play on the fact that the father is dead, but that the son is the dead griffon walking -- someone who is about to face an unavoidable loss. Yeah, I realized a little too late that this story was way out of the normal MLP context, but better submit something than not, I guess. I'll definitely be tweaking it a little more to be more in-context. Finally, as surprising as it may be, it actually wasn't my intention during the writing process to link the narcotics with the hallucinations! I planned the manifestation of the father as some inexplicable force due to the guilt alone, but I see how the narcotics make sense, and maybe I'll try incorporating that into the final draft a little more. As for the interaction with physical objects, and also a little with the father's personality, I think I tried mixing something between the very little that I remember from Fight Club and Mr. Robot, but I don't think it quite worked out, so I'll be changing that a little, too.

Again, thanks for all the comments! Will try my best to get this out tomorrow, just in time for spoop :)
#22627 · 4
· on Facing the Storm

I dunno why, but I think I had the most difficulty forming an opinion on this story. The other commenters did a pretty good job of getting to the core of it so I'll echo what they say.

First, I think the characterization of Rocky Road was pretty good, and I enjoyed getting to know his personality and motivations. Thought the final reveal was pretty clever. I was mixed on his inner thoughts, though, and they didn't entirely work for me for one reason or another. Maybe some of it was due to some repetition I felt was maybe not needed? For ex: I would have cut the second "fool" part and the "and figure out a map was" part.

Agree with Baal that the grammar could've used some work, and he gives some pretty good examples.

I would have appreciated some character expansion on Rose. All we know is she's good at maps and likes mapping things. In the final scene though, I was confused by her dialogue, where she wonders why they're "wasting time" making maps, which is something I feel she wouldn't believe. Also am curious as to why she sticks with Rocky Road.

I think the initial description of the buffalo is a bit long-winded, and I think did more to confuse me than intrigue me as to what the creatures were. Maybe an earlier reveal that they were buffalos would've served the purpose better, so then you can actually describe their imposing stature a little more in detail. Also agree that there should be maybe more tension. The buildup was really good, but I think the problem might have been solved a little too quickly. Noting here real quick though, I really enjoyed Rocky Road's outer dialogue here; it was probably one of the highlights of the entire story.

I think the final scene could benefit well from some additional expansion. Aside from going more in depth about Rose's situation, maybe there could be some more depth into Rocky Road's relationship with the grunts too, which I find kind of suspect. There are a couple sentences that are a little awkward or could be elaborated on too, for ex: "After seeing that sequence four more times" and "her naivety wasn’t going to be doing her any favors from here out".

Overall though, this was pretty enjoyable and I'd look forward to any additional expansion featuring a more developed whole cast. Thanks for the entry, anon!
#22659 · 4
· on They tried to put me on the cover of Vogue,
...bUt I dIdN't LiStEn
#22716 · 4
· on Upon Reflection, I Have Several Regrets · >>The_Letter_J
I'm posting a short review on this one because the longer one was deemed to take up too much memory, and I would probably get sued by the government or something. Alas, I cannot regale you with enough glowing praise to fit 3 Jupiter's worth of Bibles.

Too long; didn't read
Twenty out of ten shitpost
So: instant top slate
#22821 · 4
· · >>Zaid Val'Roa
I submitted this prompt as a joke oh no oh no
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

(Or, am I not sorry? :thonk:)
#23222 · 4
· on Well, this one does. Kinda. · >>Bachiavellian
#23266 · 4
· on Dead Griffon Walking
I published a thing

Now time to go study for midterms so that I don't disappoint my actual father byeeeee
#22617 · 3
· on Recipe for Love · >>LoftyWithers
So I am pretty sure I know who wrote this. So sure, in fact, that most of my comments will be directly towards this person. And if I happen to be wrong, then I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep until I die, probably.

Really enjoyed the first scene. Characterization is great, and the dialogue is natural. As someone who once cooked a dish so bad that I dubbed it "Hawaiian Nuclear Disaster" (the much-awaited sequel to Hawaiian Missile Crisis), I totally empathized with Bon Bon. Overall, this did a good job of having me complete the picture without everything needing to be said. In places, the wording was a little weird, and I think personally I enjoy slightly longer paragraphs, but that didn't really detract from the scene.

So I think the second scene, like most other commenters are suggesting, is what needs work the most. Also had some POV issues right off the bat which significantly slowed my reading. Some of the dialogue I also found a little weird, especially Octavia's, where I was kind of wondering why she was saying or thinking something.

And then...yeah, that section. If my guess on who wrote this is right, then I'm just not gonna point out any flaws that any of the other commenters have suggested. You do you I guess. Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)

If this isn't who I think it is then I apologize immensely but also why did you write this. Why why why why

On a second read, though, I really have to wonder why either pony even thought suggesting those names was okay except for the comedic relief. I get that this scene is supposed to portray how Lyra is being totally embarrassing to Bon Bon, but I think it played out a little too long for my personal taste, so it partially ruined my enjoyment of the story as a whole.

The ending was sweet though. I snorted at the pickle. Best Worst Chekhov's gun in world history. Thanks for the entry, probably not anon!
#22626 · 3
· on Confidant
inb4 Daring Do accidentally gave Wild Ace an infinity stone

So I'm actually finding myself agreeing with a lot of the other commenters on this one. First, I'm getting mixed feelings about the premise. I get that a little suspension of disbelief is required to accept that Daring Do randomly decided to show up at some child's room, but maybe we could see this better elaborated later on in the story, so I think combining that with Daring Do's is this a dream/not a dream would be quite nice, since they both seem to follow kind of the same thread. I think Raisin mentioned that maybe she's just desperate? I'm not sure if that's the case, but it does seem kind of likely, so I'm gonna subscribe to that too (please tell us if we're wrong!)

Outside that one thing, though, I found the intro quite nice. It gets to the point, and it's pretty immersive. The dialogue is belivable. Very nitpicky, but maybe I'd like to see a bit more of Daring Do's voice in Daring Do, maybe something along the lines of how she felt in Daring Done (which you mentioned later).

Towards the middle of the story, I think the dialogue gets a little less believable, presumably to push the story along. For ex: the kid's "and who always beats the bad guys to it" seems a little out of place. This is maaaybe also the case with a couple other lines, but nothing blatant. Something I think could've been a little better done here would be why Daring Do repeatedly brings up that it's a dream, and like I said earlier this doesn't immediately need to be revealed but can probably be brought up later.

So a little later in the story is where I'm debating the use of a passive main character, as Spirit mentioned. First, Daring uses Wild Ace as a bouncing board, which is understandable but maybe could've been conveyed a little better. The other reason why I think shifting POV might be beneficial is because we rarely get to hear the kid's thoughts, and I feel like that's something Daring Do would have a lot more to say on.

Final thing. Agree with Spirit that the characters start speaking in platitudes. It feels a little like you had to rush here and make things a little more tell-y, so I think checking this before publishing on Fimfic would be a good idea! Overall though, heartwarming and pretty well written -- just a couple important details to iron out. Thanks for the submission, anon!