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Recipe for Love
Bonbon opened the door to the apartment and stopped, sniffing the air. She backed out, closing the door and hanging her head. Taking a deep breath, she muttered. “Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as you’re thinking.”
She smiled. Tried to, at least. It was more like a grimace.
Slowly, she opened the door and stepped inside the apartment, closing it behind her. Trudging forward, she called out. “Lyra, are you cooking?”
“Yeah, Bonnie. I’m in the kitchen.”
She stopped in the archway. “You were going to let me do the cooking.” She’d agreed.
“I thought I’d surprise you.”
Words came out like ketchup from a glass bottle. “Wonderful. I’m surprised.” Taking a stool, she stared at the counter, but couldn’t resist slowly raising her head to see the skillet. “Stir fry? What’s in it?”
“Things I found in the fridge.”
“That’s great.” They were due for a grocery trip. She craned her neck. She looked away with a sharp inhalation of breath. She looked back. “Are those… pickles?”
“Yeah, we need to go shopping, so I just used what we had.”
“What’s that white stuff?”
“Cottage cheese.”
Bonbon slumped, resting her head on folded hooves. At least there was onion.
She shot up, glancing at the stove. “Did you cook the rice already?”
“We’re out.”
Of course she didn’t check the ingredients before starting.
“Of course what?” Lyra turned. “I didn’t catch that.”
Crap. I said that out loud. “Of course… we should buy more stir fry ingredients.”
“Oh.”
“Lyra!” Bonbon pointed.
“Oh!” She lifted the skillet off the burner, distributed it into the two bowls on the counter, and set the skillet in the sink. Sitting, she passed a bowl to Bonbon. “So what do you think?”
“It’s very… unique.”
“I know, right? We’re like bold explorers in uncharted territory. This—could be a new thing.”
“Yeah. Hehe.” Bonbon sighed, expression falling as she looked down at the steaming bowl.
“Here. I’ll cool some off so you can try it.” She lifted a chunk in her magic, blowing on it.
Bonbon eyed it warily.
“Alright. Should be good. Open up.”
Closing her eyes and opening her mouth, Bonbon gained religion. Please, Celestia. Make it not terrible. The stir fry passed her lips and she closed her mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly. “Mmm.”
“Wow. You must have liked that. You ate it so fast.” She lifted a chunk for herself, cooling it as before. Lyra brought it to her mouth—and spat it out. “Okay. Not worth exploring. Eat out?”
Tension flowed out with the breath she’d been holding, and Bonbon smiled. For real this time. “Please.”
———🥄———
Lyra finished the last of Octavia’s hay fries.
Tavi leaned back, crossing her hooves. “I’m so glad we ran into you at the diner so you could finish my food for me.”
“I know, right? I can’t believe how hungry I am.”
“Were,” said Tavi.
“Nope. Still hungry.” She looked at Bonbon. “Could we get des—oh my gosh” She shot a hoof to her belly. “I felt a flutter. I think. Yes. Definitely. Not gas. Feel this.” She pulled Bonbon’s hoof over, placing it on her belly.
Tavi and Scratch shared a look. With a shrug and a twitch of her eyes, Tavi silently asked, “What? How was I supposed to know?”
“I don’t feel it, Lyra.”
“I guess she’s stopped. He. It. They. Whatever.”
“So… you two are pregnant? How did that—nevermind. I don’t want to know.”
Bonbon shook her head. “Just Lyra’s pregnant.”
“It’s okay,” said Lyra. “I don’t mind telling.”
Bonbon’s head whipped around. “There could be some merit in not discussing that, Lyra.”
“No, really. It’s okay. I mean, I just took a potion that swapped my body with Big Mac’s.”
“What?” asked Tavi, instantly regretting she had.
“I swapped bodies with Big Mac and impregnated me.”
Scratch signed. So Big Mac was in your body when you were in your body?
“What? No. Gross. Bonbon swapped bodies with him.”
Bonbon buried her face in her hooves. “Please stop. This is why I don’t take you places. Why I cook. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
“What?” asked Lyra, raising her voice. “It’s not like I shouted to the world that I swapped bodies with Big Mac and fucked myself.”
Bonbon shrank as the sounds of diners around them stopped.
Lyra noticed nothing.
“Names,” said Tavi. “What about names? If it’s a boy?”
Bonbon and Lyra answered simultaneously. “Guitar—Gummy—Hero—Bear.”
Bonbon sat up, and they glared at each other.
“Guitar Gummy Hero Bear? That’s quite the name.”
They turned their glare to Tavi. She shrank.
“That’s not the name,” they said together before turning to argue.
“What kind of name is Guitar Hero? You can’t name him that. It’s begging for a tragic life of sacrifice.”
“Oh, and Gummy Bear is so much better? You know who else has that name? Pinkie’s toothless pet crocodile.”
“Alligator.”
“Whatever!”
Tavi looked to Scratch for support, but she only sipped her drink, leaning back to watch the fight. Tavi rolled her eyes. As the other couple argued, she tried to regain control of the conversation. “Well if you can’t agree on a boys name, how about a girls name?”
Bonbon huffed. “Don’t you whatever me!”
“Oh I’m gonna. Next you’ll tell me you want to name her Éclair if she’s a girl.”
“And what’s wrong with Éclair?”
“Come on Scratch, let’s go.” Scratch left bits to pay for their food and followed Tavi out.
“Now look what you’ve done,” said Lyra. “Our friends are leaving because of you.”
“Because of me? I’m not the one who yelled about sex with Big Mac for the whole restaurant to hear.” The whole restaurant could hear.
Red Robin, the proprietor, appeared at their table. “Ma’ams, dinner’s on the house tonight. Please just go home. You’re disturbing the other patrons.” She swept a hoof across the room, stopping where it pointed at a family with foals.
They looked around. “Come on, Lyra. It’s time to go home.”
They stood, walking in silence while a cacophony of eyes followed.
———🥄———
Lyra tugged the sheets, uncovering Bonbon, who rolled to face her.
“Alright. Not talking isn’t working. I want some sleep, so let’s just get this over with. I’m sorry.”
Lyra sighed. “I’m sorry too, Bonnie.” She rolled over to face Bonbon. “I guess I was getting really loud.”
Bonbon snorted. “A little? The whole restaurant was watching us.”
“You weren’t exactly quiet either.”
“You’re right. I was getting really mad. I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted.”
“Ditto.”
They kissed. Not a long kiss. Not a short one. Just enough to show their fight was over.
They pulled back, speaking together. “Your name’s—Gummy Bear’s—fine.”
They giggled.
“How about this,” said Bonnie. “I pick a first name and you pick a last.”
“What? No. Then we’d end up with something like Gummy Guitar.”
Shaking her head, Bonbon rolled her eyes. “Alright, what do you suggest?”
“If it’s a girl, you pick. If boy, I pick.”
“Deal. Now we must seal it with a kiss.”
“Deal.” They kissed. Longer this time. Enough to show their love.
“Good night Lyra.”
“Good night, Bonbon.”
Lyra rolled away, but scooted back snug and pulled Bonbon’s hoof over onto her belly as they spooned. They lay there, synchronizing their breaths. Bonbon kissed Lyra’s neck.
“Bonnie?”
“Yes, Lyra?” She quivered in anticipation.
“Can you get me a pickle?”
Bonbon facehoofed. “Yeah, Lyra. I’ll get you a pickle.”
She smiled. Tried to, at least. It was more like a grimace.
Slowly, she opened the door and stepped inside the apartment, closing it behind her. Trudging forward, she called out. “Lyra, are you cooking?”
“Yeah, Bonnie. I’m in the kitchen.”
She stopped in the archway. “You were going to let me do the cooking.” She’d agreed.
“I thought I’d surprise you.”
Words came out like ketchup from a glass bottle. “Wonderful. I’m surprised.” Taking a stool, she stared at the counter, but couldn’t resist slowly raising her head to see the skillet. “Stir fry? What’s in it?”
“Things I found in the fridge.”
“That’s great.” They were due for a grocery trip. She craned her neck. She looked away with a sharp inhalation of breath. She looked back. “Are those… pickles?”
“Yeah, we need to go shopping, so I just used what we had.”
“What’s that white stuff?”
“Cottage cheese.”
Bonbon slumped, resting her head on folded hooves. At least there was onion.
She shot up, glancing at the stove. “Did you cook the rice already?”
“We’re out.”
Of course she didn’t check the ingredients before starting.
“Of course what?” Lyra turned. “I didn’t catch that.”
Crap. I said that out loud. “Of course… we should buy more stir fry ingredients.”
“Oh.”
“Lyra!” Bonbon pointed.
“Oh!” She lifted the skillet off the burner, distributed it into the two bowls on the counter, and set the skillet in the sink. Sitting, she passed a bowl to Bonbon. “So what do you think?”
“It’s very… unique.”
“I know, right? We’re like bold explorers in uncharted territory. This—could be a new thing.”
“Yeah. Hehe.” Bonbon sighed, expression falling as she looked down at the steaming bowl.
“Here. I’ll cool some off so you can try it.” She lifted a chunk in her magic, blowing on it.
Bonbon eyed it warily.
“Alright. Should be good. Open up.”
Closing her eyes and opening her mouth, Bonbon gained religion. Please, Celestia. Make it not terrible. The stir fry passed her lips and she closed her mouth, chewing and swallowing quickly. “Mmm.”
“Wow. You must have liked that. You ate it so fast.” She lifted a chunk for herself, cooling it as before. Lyra brought it to her mouth—and spat it out. “Okay. Not worth exploring. Eat out?”
Tension flowed out with the breath she’d been holding, and Bonbon smiled. For real this time. “Please.”
———🥄———
Lyra finished the last of Octavia’s hay fries.
Tavi leaned back, crossing her hooves. “I’m so glad we ran into you at the diner so you could finish my food for me.”
“I know, right? I can’t believe how hungry I am.”
“Were,” said Tavi.
“Nope. Still hungry.” She looked at Bonbon. “Could we get des—oh my gosh” She shot a hoof to her belly. “I felt a flutter. I think. Yes. Definitely. Not gas. Feel this.” She pulled Bonbon’s hoof over, placing it on her belly.
Tavi and Scratch shared a look. With a shrug and a twitch of her eyes, Tavi silently asked, “What? How was I supposed to know?”
“I don’t feel it, Lyra.”
“I guess she’s stopped. He. It. They. Whatever.”
“So… you two are pregnant? How did that—nevermind. I don’t want to know.”
Bonbon shook her head. “Just Lyra’s pregnant.”
“It’s okay,” said Lyra. “I don’t mind telling.”
Bonbon’s head whipped around. “There could be some merit in not discussing that, Lyra.”
“No, really. It’s okay. I mean, I just took a potion that swapped my body with Big Mac’s.”
“What?” asked Tavi, instantly regretting she had.
“I swapped bodies with Big Mac and impregnated me.”
Scratch signed. So Big Mac was in your body when you were in your body?
“What? No. Gross. Bonbon swapped bodies with him.”
Bonbon buried her face in her hooves. “Please stop. This is why I don’t take you places. Why I cook. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”
“What?” asked Lyra, raising her voice. “It’s not like I shouted to the world that I swapped bodies with Big Mac and fucked myself.”
Bonbon shrank as the sounds of diners around them stopped.
Lyra noticed nothing.
“Names,” said Tavi. “What about names? If it’s a boy?”
Bonbon and Lyra answered simultaneously. “Guitar—Gummy—Hero—Bear.”
Bonbon sat up, and they glared at each other.
“Guitar Gummy Hero Bear? That’s quite the name.”
They turned their glare to Tavi. She shrank.
“That’s not the name,” they said together before turning to argue.
“What kind of name is Guitar Hero? You can’t name him that. It’s begging for a tragic life of sacrifice.”
“Oh, and Gummy Bear is so much better? You know who else has that name? Pinkie’s toothless pet crocodile.”
“Alligator.”
“Whatever!”
Tavi looked to Scratch for support, but she only sipped her drink, leaning back to watch the fight. Tavi rolled her eyes. As the other couple argued, she tried to regain control of the conversation. “Well if you can’t agree on a boys name, how about a girls name?”
Bonbon huffed. “Don’t you whatever me!”
“Oh I’m gonna. Next you’ll tell me you want to name her Éclair if she’s a girl.”
“And what’s wrong with Éclair?”
“Come on Scratch, let’s go.” Scratch left bits to pay for their food and followed Tavi out.
“Now look what you’ve done,” said Lyra. “Our friends are leaving because of you.”
“Because of me? I’m not the one who yelled about sex with Big Mac for the whole restaurant to hear.” The whole restaurant could hear.
Red Robin, the proprietor, appeared at their table. “Ma’ams, dinner’s on the house tonight. Please just go home. You’re disturbing the other patrons.” She swept a hoof across the room, stopping where it pointed at a family with foals.
They looked around. “Come on, Lyra. It’s time to go home.”
They stood, walking in silence while a cacophony of eyes followed.
———🥄———
Lyra tugged the sheets, uncovering Bonbon, who rolled to face her.
“Alright. Not talking isn’t working. I want some sleep, so let’s just get this over with. I’m sorry.”
Lyra sighed. “I’m sorry too, Bonnie.” She rolled over to face Bonbon. “I guess I was getting really loud.”
Bonbon snorted. “A little? The whole restaurant was watching us.”
“You weren’t exactly quiet either.”
“You’re right. I was getting really mad. I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted.”
“Ditto.”
They kissed. Not a long kiss. Not a short one. Just enough to show their fight was over.
They pulled back, speaking together. “Your name’s—Gummy Bear’s—fine.”
They giggled.
“How about this,” said Bonnie. “I pick a first name and you pick a last.”
“What? No. Then we’d end up with something like Gummy Guitar.”
Shaking her head, Bonbon rolled her eyes. “Alright, what do you suggest?”
“If it’s a girl, you pick. If boy, I pick.”
“Deal. Now we must seal it with a kiss.”
“Deal.” They kissed. Longer this time. Enough to show their love.
“Good night Lyra.”
“Good night, Bonbon.”
Lyra rolled away, but scooted back snug and pulled Bonbon’s hoof over onto her belly as they spooned. They lay there, synchronizing their breaths. Bonbon kissed Lyra’s neck.
“Bonnie?”
“Yes, Lyra?” She quivered in anticipation.
“Can you get me a pickle?”
Bonbon facehoofed. “Yeah, Lyra. I’ll get you a pickle.”
Pics
This might be the most chaste horse fic to involve a really out-there kink.
Something I liked:
When the humor works, boy does it. The stuff between Bon Bon (it's two words, you scoundrel) and Lyra is adorable, even if I was disappointed by Bon Bon never going into conspiracy mode. I mean fuck, the premise certainly calls for them to be a couple. If you're a lesbian couple, and you want a baby, and you live in a world of magic... I guess this is one way of doing it? I have to wonder how/why Big Mac agreed to this arrangement, but I'm sure it must've been something. Also got some TaviScratch going on, which is usually nice. Vinyl being deaf is my spirit animal tbh.
Something I didn't like:
At the same time, I feel like we're reading the wrong story here, or at least we're not reading the story that gives one more brain food. We're told that Big Mac agreed to watch bodies with Bon Bon, wherein Bon Bon would swap with Big Mac and impregnate Lyra. Okay. Trippy stuff, but who am I to judge. But we don't get to see even a little bit of how this all happened; we're just told about it after every important decision has already been made. From a storytelling perspective, this is a real bummer, and I feel like I missed out on something.
Verdict: Good stuff, but expand on it. Go further with it. Go nuts. Make it weird, funny, sappy, and hot as fuck. You can do it, author. I believe in you.
Something I liked:
When the humor works, boy does it. The stuff between Bon Bon (it's two words, you scoundrel) and Lyra is adorable, even if I was disappointed by Bon Bon never going into conspiracy mode. I mean fuck, the premise certainly calls for them to be a couple. If you're a lesbian couple, and you want a baby, and you live in a world of magic... I guess this is one way of doing it? I have to wonder how/why Big Mac agreed to this arrangement, but I'm sure it must've been something. Also got some TaviScratch going on, which is usually nice. Vinyl being deaf is my spirit animal tbh.
Something I didn't like:
At the same time, I feel like we're reading the wrong story here, or at least we're not reading the story that gives one more brain food. We're told that Big Mac agreed to watch bodies with Bon Bon, wherein Bon Bon would swap with Big Mac and impregnate Lyra. Okay. Trippy stuff, but who am I to judge. But we don't get to see even a little bit of how this all happened; we're just told about it after every important decision has already been made. From a storytelling perspective, this is a real bummer, and I feel like I missed out on something.
Verdict: Good stuff, but expand on it. Go further with it. Go nuts. Make it weird, funny, sappy, and hot as fuck. You can do it, author. I believe in you.
Genre: I’ll Have What She’s Having
Thoughts: There’s a part of me that’s really pleased to see a story with this kind of structure in the competition, apart from any other aspect of the story itself. The structure that we see here strikes me as being hard to pull off as a 750-word Minific, but also unnecessary to stretch out to a traditional 2000-word Short Story. There’s room enough for multiple scenes that can breathe and not feel rushed, but in the end the story is just this small slices-of-life thing for the most part. I like that a lot.
So there’s obviously a background element of magical impregnation and body-swapping to the story itself, which I’ll get back to in a minute. But really, the main point here seems to be playing up how embarrassing Lyra is to Bon Bon, while showing Bon Bon in this sort of long-suffering but loving role. All three scenes find different ways to highlight how frustrating Lyra can be, which comes through clearly in strong prose. What comes through less clearly, though, is the nature and strength of Bon Bon’s affection. They definitely make up in the end, but I can’t escape feeling like there’s something missing. Bon Bon is along for the ride, but seems to spend a lot of it just being frustrated. I need a bit more help from the story to get to the point where I can see her reactions to this through a different lens.
I’ll also mention that the magical body-swapping impregnation thing ended up being more of a distraction than a contribution to the story for me. Now when I say that, consider that it opens up a lot of questions about how magical, sexual, and social mores work in this the world, when ultimately, the point seems more to be that (a) Lyra’s pregnant, and (b) the means by which she became pregnant are suitably embarrassing when announced in public. Because once the world is open to magical body-swapping impregnation... is it embarrassing? “Should” it be? Maybe Lyra dropping an F-bomb in a family restaurant isn’t cool, but others’ reactions also seem to stem from hearing about the body-swapping impregnation thing, which—for all we know—could be reasonably common. I’m just saying that this specific way in which Lyra embarrasses Bon Bon raises some questions that (IMO) distract from the character interactions unto themselves. Consider as an alternative if Lyra talked about various trials and tribulations related to obtaining and “applying” semen samples; you could get to a similar place of “embarrassing public story” while keeping it very grounded and avoiding some of the questions this raises.
But I should stop there, as a cardinal sin of Writeoff reviews is going off on how one would do it differently than the Author. As it is, this does what it does pretty successfully, though I still come back to wanting to see more of what Bon Bon sees in Lyra, rather than just leaning so hard on their established relationship. In deciding how to rank this, I think I ultimately get to a place of wanting to see that tuned-up a little more, even though it’s close. It’s really close.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: There’s a part of me that’s really pleased to see a story with this kind of structure in the competition, apart from any other aspect of the story itself. The structure that we see here strikes me as being hard to pull off as a 750-word Minific, but also unnecessary to stretch out to a traditional 2000-word Short Story. There’s room enough for multiple scenes that can breathe and not feel rushed, but in the end the story is just this small slices-of-life thing for the most part. I like that a lot.
So there’s obviously a background element of magical impregnation and body-swapping to the story itself, which I’ll get back to in a minute. But really, the main point here seems to be playing up how embarrassing Lyra is to Bon Bon, while showing Bon Bon in this sort of long-suffering but loving role. All three scenes find different ways to highlight how frustrating Lyra can be, which comes through clearly in strong prose. What comes through less clearly, though, is the nature and strength of Bon Bon’s affection. They definitely make up in the end, but I can’t escape feeling like there’s something missing. Bon Bon is along for the ride, but seems to spend a lot of it just being frustrated. I need a bit more help from the story to get to the point where I can see her reactions to this through a different lens.
I’ll also mention that the magical body-swapping impregnation thing ended up being more of a distraction than a contribution to the story for me. Now when I say that, consider that it opens up a lot of questions about how magical, sexual, and social mores work in this the world, when ultimately, the point seems more to be that (a) Lyra’s pregnant, and (b) the means by which she became pregnant are suitably embarrassing when announced in public. Because once the world is open to magical body-swapping impregnation... is it embarrassing? “Should” it be? Maybe Lyra dropping an F-bomb in a family restaurant isn’t cool, but others’ reactions also seem to stem from hearing about the body-swapping impregnation thing, which—for all we know—could be reasonably common. I’m just saying that this specific way in which Lyra embarrasses Bon Bon raises some questions that (IMO) distract from the character interactions unto themselves. Consider as an alternative if Lyra talked about various trials and tribulations related to obtaining and “applying” semen samples; you could get to a similar place of “embarrassing public story” while keeping it very grounded and avoiding some of the questions this raises.
But I should stop there, as a cardinal sin of Writeoff reviews is going off on how one would do it differently than the Author. As it is, this does what it does pretty successfully, though I still come back to wanting to see more of what Bon Bon sees in Lyra, rather than just leaning so hard on their established relationship. In deciding how to rank this, I think I ultimately get to a place of wanting to see that tuned-up a little more, even though it’s close. It’s really close.
Tier: Almost There
Red Robin
Yummmmmmmmmmmm
Interesting fic, you write Lyra the way I write Vinyl, loud and oblivious. Characterizations are nice. The three way body swap is... ummm... weird? But overall entertaining since it resulted in Lyra shouting about one literally rutting oneself in front of a bunch of foals.
To help:
Connect the first scene to the two that follow, I'd suggest some hints that Bon Bon ( I agree with >>No_Raisin: two words) is concerned about Lyra's health. She could try to lure Lyra away from the stove by asking, "Are you sure you should be doing that in your condition?" or something like that, just a line or two that would set us up for the revelation in the second scene.
I had some POV problems with the second scene. For the most part, we seem to be seeing everything through Octavia's eyes, but then Tavi and Scratch leave the scene before it's over. I'll recommend keeping us firmly in Bon Bon's head from start to finish. Let us feel the embarrassment rising over her skin like she's sinking into warm butterscotch pudding--or, y'know, whatever embarrassment feels like to her by now: she probably lives in a perpetual stew of it...
For the record, I also got lost in the multiple body swaps: Lyra was in Big Mac, Bon Bon was in Lyra, and Big Mac was in Bon Bon? And I love the quote from last week's news about the merit of not discussing things. Fun stuff that needs a bit of tuning up.
Mike
Connect the first scene to the two that follow, I'd suggest some hints that Bon Bon ( I agree with >>No_Raisin: two words) is concerned about Lyra's health. She could try to lure Lyra away from the stove by asking, "Are you sure you should be doing that in your condition?" or something like that, just a line or two that would set us up for the revelation in the second scene.
I had some POV problems with the second scene. For the most part, we seem to be seeing everything through Octavia's eyes, but then Tavi and Scratch leave the scene before it's over. I'll recommend keeping us firmly in Bon Bon's head from start to finish. Let us feel the embarrassment rising over her skin like she's sinking into warm butterscotch pudding--or, y'know, whatever embarrassment feels like to her by now: she probably lives in a perpetual stew of it...
For the record, I also got lost in the multiple body swaps: Lyra was in Big Mac, Bon Bon was in Lyra, and Big Mac was in Bon Bon? And I love the quote from last week's news about the merit of not discussing things. Fun stuff that needs a bit of tuning up.
Mike
So I am pretty sure I know who wrote this. So sure, in fact, that most of my comments will be directly towards this person. And if I happen to be wrong, then I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep until I die, probably.
Really enjoyed the first scene. Characterization is great, and the dialogue is natural. As someone who once cooked a dish so bad that I dubbed it "Hawaiian Nuclear Disaster" (the much-awaited sequel to Hawaiian Missile Crisis), I totally empathized with Bon Bon. Overall, this did a good job of having me complete the picture without everything needing to be said. In places, the wording was a little weird, and I think personally I enjoy slightly longer paragraphs, but that didn't really detract from the scene.
So I think the second scene, like most other commenters are suggesting, is what needs work the most. Also had some POV issues right off the bat which significantly slowed my reading. Some of the dialogue I also found a little weird, especially Octavia's, where I was kind of wondering why she was saying or thinking something.
And then...yeah, that section. If my guess on who wrote this is right, then I'm just not gonna point out any flaws that any of the other commenters have suggested. You do you I guess. Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)
If this isn't who I think it is then I apologize immensely but also why did you write this. Why why why why
On a second read, though, I really have to wonder why either pony even thought suggesting those names was okay except for the comedic relief. I get that this scene is supposed to portray how Lyra is being totally embarrassing to Bon Bon, but I think it played out a little too long for my personal taste, so it partially ruined my enjoyment of the story as a whole.
The ending was sweet though. I snorted at the pickle.Best Worst Chekhov's gun in world history. Thanks for the entry, probably not anon!
Really enjoyed the first scene. Characterization is great, and the dialogue is natural. As someone who once cooked a dish so bad that I dubbed it "Hawaiian Nuclear Disaster" (the much-awaited sequel to Hawaiian Missile Crisis), I totally empathized with Bon Bon. Overall, this did a good job of having me complete the picture without everything needing to be said. In places, the wording was a little weird, and I think personally I enjoy slightly longer paragraphs, but that didn't really detract from the scene.
So I think the second scene, like most other commenters are suggesting, is what needs work the most. Also had some POV issues right off the bat which significantly slowed my reading. Some of the dialogue I also found a little weird, especially Octavia's, where I was kind of wondering why she was saying or thinking something.
And then...yeah, that section. If my guess on who wrote this is right, then I'm just not gonna point out any flaws that any of the other commenters have suggested. You do you I guess. Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)
If this isn't who I think it is then I apologize immensely but also why did you write this. Why why why why
On a second read, though, I really have to wonder why either pony even thought suggesting those names was okay except for the comedic relief. I get that this scene is supposed to portray how Lyra is being totally embarrassing to Bon Bon, but I think it played out a little too long for my personal taste, so it partially ruined my enjoyment of the story as a whole.
The ending was sweet though. I snorted at the pickle.
I enjoyed the comedy when it came through and the character interactions. It's a sweet little comedic slice of life thing. However, I did have a few problems. The first is that there's a line or two that seem like they should be italicized as inner thoughts, even though the prose flows fairly well with them as written. I also think that Vinyl's signing should be in dialogue, even if it isn't being spoken, though that's a minor thing.
I do think the scene in the restaurant is the weakest of what's currently on display. There are some lack of dialogue tags and I think some work on expanding the conversation might help, even if it falls away into a fight.
Overall, enjoyable, but I'd say it come use some cleaning up.
I do think the scene in the restaurant is the weakest of what's currently on display. There are some lack of dialogue tags and I think some work on expanding the conversation might help, even if it falls away into a fight.
Overall, enjoyable, but I'd say it come use some cleaning up.
>>No_Raisin
Really don't get why this is so out there. I pictured them deciding to have a kid and thought about the how
* Sleeping with someone else is an option, especially before artificial insemination is a thing
* Wouldn't Bonbon get jealous?
* Why not swap in Bonbon, because body swapping is canon in s9e18, but some of the weird fandom stuff isn't.
* Big Mac would probably be ok with being female for a day given the whole princess Big Mac thing.
* My Bonbon isn't comfortable being in a male body, but Lyra is up for anything, so it's a double swap.
The way this all played out wasn't so straight forward, unfortunately. I've got a few details left to set before I start writing it, but it's definitely in the queue. I see this as an extension to my current LyraBon one-shot.
>>CoffeeMinion
You caught me. This was supposed to be a piece that showed Lyra doing something nice for Bonbon because the larger narrative I'm developing was missing that, so I thought: why not cook dinner? Okay. What's the conflict? Cooking dinner. ... Oh. Well Lyra's sentiment is nice, but let's find some other stuff later that fills the gap by Lyra competently doing something nice for Bonbon.
I am keenly aware that I've been writing Lyra as the source of suffering in Bonbon's life, and that it needs fixing. My next large scene to fix it is a bit surreal, but should come out more positively than this one.
Ah. This is a bit of author failure here, and a bit of previous scenes not being written yet. It's embarrassing to Bonbon for reasons that should come out in previous scenes (and some in later scene that will recontextualize this event, but that's less certain). For this scene, you don't see that, so I tried to counter it with Lyra and Scratch being okay with the discussion. I'm not decided yet if Tavi being uncomfortable with the subject will stay in the final version. It's possible I rework her reaction into her being concerned about Bonbon being upset at the discussion. The diner's reactions are more about public conventions being broken than about the subject matter existing; I'll see if adding the context from previous scenes fixes the problem. Having other reactions to Lyra being loud in public and other (reasonably-volumed) discussions about sex will help.
If you'd like, I'll send a synopsis of previous scenes your way before I write them.
>>Moosetasm
Is it? I heard about the body swap in season 9, and this just seemed like a natural outgrowth of it. Sex is a strong driver for innovation, and ”how can we use this technology for sex?” seems to be one of the first question humans ask about new tech. The internet is for porn, VHS beat Betamax because porn, millions (billions?) is spent on research for libido and birth control medication research annually, and vibrators have been a thing since the 1800s. Application of canon magic to sex seems perfectly normal to me.
>>Baal Bunny
My fault for writing something last-minute. It wasn't until I looked at the story a couple days later that I realized it was disconnected. That was me finding the story as I wrote. I need to remember to truncate my beginnings and endings. Previous scenes will connect things before I publish, but that scenelet was a poor start for the contest.
Hadn't noticed this until you said it. I actually started the scene thinking I'd do Lyra POV, then went off the rails pretty quickly.
For now. May change.
>>_Moonshot
Yet I don't think any of my stuff is that weird or out there. Equestria has spiders, equestria has a portal to another works that transforms your body, so Sunset is now dating a spider. My trans stories are pretty much stock experiences, so nothing odd there. The duck story was science education with a thin veneer of story. This body swap flows as a natural consequence of canon magic with immature technology. Female genital mutilation is an ongoing problem in our world with the first conviction in the UK under anti-fgm laws happening this year.
I guess truth is stranger than fiction, so writing about true things can be dangerous for suspension of disbelief, and extending canon to new situations is weird. Who knew? [I did.]
I'm hoping the uncomfortable makes more sense later on when Bon Bon finally confides in Lyra because Bon Bon's reaction prompted Lyra to ask. I'll just flag it for review for now.
>>Flashgen
Sorry. Write-off stripped my italics, and I was already dozing off when I submitted. The signing was italicized too, but I was less sure of that; I'll check how other fics handle it.
Really don't get why this is so out there. I pictured them deciding to have a kid and thought about the how
* Sleeping with someone else is an option, especially before artificial insemination is a thing
* Wouldn't Bonbon get jealous?
* Why not swap in Bonbon, because body swapping is canon in s9e18, but some of the weird fandom stuff isn't.
* Big Mac would probably be ok with being female for a day given the whole princess Big Mac thing.
* My Bonbon isn't comfortable being in a male body, but Lyra is up for anything, so it's a double swap.
The way this all played out wasn't so straight forward, unfortunately. I've got a few details left to set before I start writing it, but it's definitely in the queue. I see this as an extension to my current LyraBon one-shot.
>>CoffeeMinion
the nature and strength of Bon Bon’s affection
You caught me. This was supposed to be a piece that showed Lyra doing something nice for Bonbon because the larger narrative I'm developing was missing that, so I thought: why not cook dinner? Okay. What's the conflict? Cooking dinner. ... Oh. Well Lyra's sentiment is nice, but let's find some other stuff later that fills the gap by Lyra competently doing something nice for Bonbon.
I am keenly aware that I've been writing Lyra as the source of suffering in Bonbon's life, and that it needs fixing. My next large scene to fix it is a bit surreal, but should come out more positively than this one.
is it embarrassing
Ah. This is a bit of author failure here, and a bit of previous scenes not being written yet. It's embarrassing to Bonbon for reasons that should come out in previous scenes (and some in later scene that will recontextualize this event, but that's less certain). For this scene, you don't see that, so I tried to counter it with Lyra and Scratch being okay with the discussion. I'm not decided yet if Tavi being uncomfortable with the subject will stay in the final version. It's possible I rework her reaction into her being concerned about Bonbon being upset at the discussion. The diner's reactions are more about public conventions being broken than about the subject matter existing; I'll see if adding the context from previous scenes fixes the problem. Having other reactions to Lyra being loud in public and other (reasonably-volumed) discussions about sex will help.
If you'd like, I'll send a synopsis of previous scenes your way before I write them.
>>Moosetasm
The three way body swap is... ummm... weird?
Is it? I heard about the body swap in season 9, and this just seemed like a natural outgrowth of it. Sex is a strong driver for innovation, and ”how can we use this technology for sex?” seems to be one of the first question humans ask about new tech. The internet is for porn, VHS beat Betamax because porn, millions (billions?) is spent on research for libido and birth control medication research annually, and vibrators have been a thing since the 1800s. Application of canon magic to sex seems perfectly normal to me.
>>Baal Bunny
Connect the first scene to the two that follow
My fault for writing something last-minute. It wasn't until I looked at the story a couple days later that I realized it was disconnected. That was me finding the story as I wrote. I need to remember to truncate my beginnings and endings. Previous scenes will connect things before I publish, but that scenelet was a poor start for the contest.
I had some POV problems with the second scene
Hadn't noticed this until you said it. I actually started the scene thinking I'd do Lyra POV, then went off the rails pretty quickly.
Lyra was in Big Mac, Bon Bon was in Lyra, and Big Mac was in Bon Bon
For now. May change.
>>_Moonshot
Good job on conditioning me to immediately suspend reality :^)
Yet I don't think any of my stuff is that weird or out there. Equestria has spiders, equestria has a portal to another works that transforms your body, so Sunset is now dating a spider. My trans stories are pretty much stock experiences, so nothing odd there. The duck story was science education with a thin veneer of story. This body swap flows as a natural consequence of canon magic with immature technology. Female genital mutilation is an ongoing problem in our world with the first conviction in the UK under anti-fgm laws happening this year.
I guess truth is stranger than fiction, so writing about true things can be dangerous for suspension of disbelief, and extending canon to new situations is weird. Who knew? [I did.]
it played out a little too long for my personal taste
I'm hoping the uncomfortable makes more sense later on when Bon Bon finally confides in Lyra because Bon Bon's reaction prompted Lyra to ask. I'll just flag it for review for now.
>>Flashgen
there's a line or two that seem like they should be italicized as inner thoughts
Sorry. Write-off stripped my italics, and I was already dozing off when I submitted. The signing was italicized too, but I was less sure of that; I'll check how other fics handle it.