Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Oops.
Thanks >>CoffeeMinion, >>KwirkyJ, >>alarajrogers, and >>Bachiavellian for comments.
A couple people mentioned that this round brought a lot of experimental entries and this certainly was one for me. Completely switched up my usual prose and writing area to... mixed results. The prose by itself turned out alright, I guess. Except everyone completely missed the story message. So oops. I guess I'll be trying to find where I made my big mistakes in the retro, then.
I think I really messed up when dealing with an unlikable character. The story wasn't meant to be about making Mudbriar look silly or putting him in his place. There are a total of 14 Mudbriar stories on Fimfic so I guess my goal was to try and do him justice, not necessarily by making him less unlikable, but by making him understandable. So my explanation for why he always acts like a know-it-all is because he's insecure, and doesn't ever feel confident enough to voice his own opinions or choose a side. The last line was meant to convey that the only "real" part of his personality was ironically to pretend to hold the opinions of another in order to hide the rest of his personality. And then naturally the rest of the story was Mudbriar being too in-character and not winning sympathy points from anyone.
Obviously, I got super sidetracked trying to get to that point as the comments suggested, which hit me hard with the word limit. Way too much focus on the black humor, which given humor is my weak suit, really didn't pay off. Way too much focus on the other characters shooting the shit instead of focusing on Mudbriar himself. And so on.
Hopefully I'll do much better with any future entries. And maybe some day this will somehow become worth publishing, and then we'll have 15 Mudbriar stories on Fimfiction!
Thanks >>CoffeeMinion, >>KwirkyJ, >>alarajrogers, and >>Bachiavellian for comments.
A couple people mentioned that this round brought a lot of experimental entries and this certainly was one for me. Completely switched up my usual prose and writing area to... mixed results. The prose by itself turned out alright, I guess. Except everyone completely missed the story message. So oops. I guess I'll be trying to find where I made my big mistakes in the retro, then.
I think I really messed up when dealing with an unlikable character. The story wasn't meant to be about making Mudbriar look silly or putting him in his place. There are a total of 14 Mudbriar stories on Fimfic so I guess my goal was to try and do him justice, not necessarily by making him less unlikable, but by making him understandable. So my explanation for why he always acts like a know-it-all is because he's insecure, and doesn't ever feel confident enough to voice his own opinions or choose a side. The last line was meant to convey that the only "real" part of his personality was ironically to pretend to hold the opinions of another in order to hide the rest of his personality. And then naturally the rest of the story was Mudbriar being too in-character and not winning sympathy points from anyone.
Obviously, I got super sidetracked trying to get to that point as the comments suggested, which hit me hard with the word limit. Way too much focus on the black humor, which given humor is my weak suit, really didn't pay off. Way too much focus on the other characters shooting the shit instead of focusing on Mudbriar himself. And so on.
Hopefully I'll do much better with any future entries. And maybe some day this will somehow become worth publishing, and then we'll have 15 Mudbriar stories on Fimfiction!
>>Nemesis
>>No_Raisin
>>LoftyWithers
>>Pascoite
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anon Y Mous
Thanks for the reviews, all. Grats to the medalists.
Just gonna explain this real quick. I guess you could've called this an exercise in perspective--it was written how I thought a friend of mine would've written it. Premise was fairly simple: when people die, they become ghosts forever. Then they have forever to do mostly nothing, since they're unable to interact with the real world in any way. So things that mattered in life don't matter so much anymore as a ghost--family becomes significantly less important, not much to work towards, not much point in religion, etc. Stalin and the Ukranian Jew should be mostly self-explanatory: it refers to antisemitism within the USSR and the Holodomor, a massive famine in Ukraine under Stalin's rule that's arguably classifiable as genocide. Under the premise of the poem, Hamlet would've never happened, so instead of the father-son mess that we got, nothing happened, nor would it have mattered in the end anyways. So overall, this poem is about a dude who slowly comes to realize that even though he's chained to the earth forever, he's been unchained from everything else that might matter in life, and that gives him an odd sense of peace in the end. Meeting his parents in a way became the final point of acceptance, and a final farewell to his past life.
>>No_Raisin
>>LoftyWithers
>>Pascoite
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anon Y Mous
Thanks for the reviews, all. Grats to the medalists.
Just gonna explain this real quick. I guess you could've called this an exercise in perspective--it was written how I thought a friend of mine would've written it. Premise was fairly simple: when people die, they become ghosts forever. Then they have forever to do mostly nothing, since they're unable to interact with the real world in any way. So things that mattered in life don't matter so much anymore as a ghost--family becomes significantly less important, not much to work towards, not much point in religion, etc. Stalin and the Ukranian Jew should be mostly self-explanatory: it refers to antisemitism within the USSR and the Holodomor, a massive famine in Ukraine under Stalin's rule that's arguably classifiable as genocide. Under the premise of the poem, Hamlet would've never happened, so instead of the father-son mess that we got, nothing happened, nor would it have mattered in the end anyways. So overall, this poem is about a dude who slowly comes to realize that even though he's chained to the earth forever, he's been unchained from everything else that might matter in life, and that gives him an odd sense of peace in the end. Meeting his parents in a way became the final point of acceptance, and a final farewell to his past life.
Seconding everyone else's thoughts on the meter. This was a nice sonnet that I enjoyed.
I'm gonna give a horrible guess that this is a meta entry. Am I correct? xP
Pretty good overall. Definitely near the top of my slate.
I'm gonna give a horrible guess that this is a meta entry. Am I correct? xP
Pretty good overall. Definitely near the top of my slate.
Hmm, not sure about these. Meter is a little odd, and I feel like these were supposed to be funny, but I kind of missed the point on a few.
The repetition of the last word and first word really tripped me up. I ended up just blotting those from my vision and reading the whole thing as one big sentence, which worked at some parts, and not so much at other parts, where the structure is a little different.
Prose choice is nice though. Excluding above, it flows very quickly and simply, so definitely fits the atmosphere of the piece.
Prose choice is nice though. Excluding above, it flows very quickly and simply, so definitely fits the atmosphere of the piece.
This poem flows very well, and it's probably one of the most emotionally raw ones. I'd probably need the repetition explained to me though. Kind of sounds like someone going crazy, in which case, up the ante and really invest in that, but also make it clear what's going on.
I think this is the kind of poem that if I read out loud, I could probably interpret it a million ways, but maybe not as the author intended. There's some hidden cleverness, I think, which I'd be interested to find out about.
I think this is the kind of poem that if I read out loud, I could probably interpret it a million ways, but maybe not as the author intended. There's some hidden cleverness, I think, which I'd be interested to find out about.
This one was a nice read. Even though I'm not much of a Halloween person it was easy for me to follow along with the built excitement. Cute and very befitting of the holiday.
What was especially good about this one was that it seemed right as a poem, rather than prose. There's just a wonderful mix of imagery and description. Not a thing is left unclear, which worked really well for the theme. Good job!
What was especially good about this one was that it seemed right as a poem, rather than prose. There's just a wonderful mix of imagery and description. Not a thing is left unclear, which worked really well for the theme. Good job!
This one is creative, but a little too specific, I think. Said this with the other haiku, but I think there could be more meaning packed into each word. More mood to create, more thoughts to think.
Hmm, some of these I like, and some a little less. A mixed bag, but that's what happens with a lot of haiku, I think :P
I think everyone else has said mostly everything, so just a couple additional thoughts. With a haiku, less is more, so there needs to be more meaning packed in each syllable. Some of these I feel should be expanded to different forms of poetry, because with the haiku sometimes it feels like saying it just for the sake of saying it.
I think everyone else has said mostly everything, so just a couple additional thoughts. With a haiku, less is more, so there needs to be more meaning packed in each syllable. Some of these I feel should be expanded to different forms of poetry, because with the haiku sometimes it feels like saying it just for the sake of saying it.
Big mood.
This one hovers between vagues and specifics, and I'm debating between picking one or the other. There's a clear message to be had, but it needs to be communicated a bit better, I think.
This one hovers between vagues and specifics, and I'm debating between picking one or the other. There's a clear message to be had, but it needs to be communicated a bit better, I think.
Would be interested to know if there was any intended rhythmic structure for this poem. For example, why vampire/werewolf are used in some parts and vamp/wolf in others.
Also interested in what an elephant ear is :P Took me a while to get the message but it's a nice one in the end!
Also interested in what an elephant ear is :P Took me a while to get the message but it's a nice one in the end!
The opening line reminded me of Crescent on the Water from the last poetry round. I don't know why, but I read the first stanza as a rap more than a poem haha.
Middle part is a little jarring. "Cool story," "cringe," "binge," etc. Very different tone from the beginning and the end of the poem.
Would like some explanation for the final stanza :)
Middle part is a little jarring. "Cool story," "cringe," "binge," etc. Very different tone from the beginning and the end of the poem.
Would like some explanation for the final stanza :)
I published a thing
Now time to go study for midterms so that I don't disappoint my actual father byeeeee
Now time to go study for midterms so that I don't disappoint my actual father byeeeee
>>Miller Minus
>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>CoffeeMinion
>>wishcometrue
Wow, thanks for the seriously in-depth comments this time around. I really appreciate it! This was my first ever time trying to write horror, and all things considered I didn't do an abysmal job at the very least (even though it was totally a rush job :S), whew! Still, I learned a lot from your feedback about how to include information in the right places, and I will definitely be taking it into account during editing and for future stories to come.
Just a quick couple things. The title was just a reference to the phrase "dead man walking," a play on the fact that the father is dead, but that the son is the dead griffon walking -- someone who is about to face an unavoidable loss. Yeah, I realized a little too late that this story was way out of the normal MLP context, but better submit something than not, I guess. I'll definitely be tweaking it a little more to be more in-context. Finally, as surprising as it may be, it actually wasn't my intention during the writing process to link the narcotics with the hallucinations! I planned the manifestation of the father as some inexplicable force due to the guilt alone, but I see how the narcotics make sense, and maybe I'll try incorporating that into the final draft a little more. As for the interaction with physical objects, and also a little with the father's personality, I think I tried mixing something between the very little that I remember from Fight Club and Mr. Robot, but I don't think it quite worked out, so I'll be changing that a little, too.
Again, thanks for all the comments! Will try my best to get this out tomorrow, just in time for spoop :)
>>PinoyPony
>>Baal Bunny
>>CoffeeMinion
>>wishcometrue
Wow, thanks for the seriously in-depth comments this time around. I really appreciate it! This was my first ever time trying to write horror, and all things considered I didn't do an abysmal job at the very least (even though it was totally a rush job :S), whew! Still, I learned a lot from your feedback about how to include information in the right places, and I will definitely be taking it into account during editing and for future stories to come.
Just a quick couple things. The title was just a reference to the phrase "dead man walking," a play on the fact that the father is dead, but that the son is the dead griffon walking -- someone who is about to face an unavoidable loss. Yeah, I realized a little too late that this story was way out of the normal MLP context, but better submit something than not, I guess. I'll definitely be tweaking it a little more to be more in-context. Finally, as surprising as it may be, it actually wasn't my intention during the writing process to link the narcotics with the hallucinations! I planned the manifestation of the father as some inexplicable force due to the guilt alone, but I see how the narcotics make sense, and maybe I'll try incorporating that into the final draft a little more. As for the interaction with physical objects, and also a little with the father's personality, I think I tried mixing something between the very little that I remember from Fight Club and Mr. Robot, but I don't think it quite worked out, so I'll be changing that a little, too.
Again, thanks for all the comments! Will try my best to get this out tomorrow, just in time for spoop :)
>>The_Letter_J
I'm surprised this got last place!
I took a look at my meme and then took a look at your meme and went like "Wow yours is so much funnier people are definitely gonna place yours above mine"
And then PEOPLE went and committed THIS TRAVESTY instead
UNACCEPTABLE
I'm surprised this got last place!
I took a look at my meme and then took a look at your meme and went like "Wow yours is so much funnier people are definitely gonna place yours above mine"
And then PEOPLE went and committed THIS TRAVESTY instead
UNACCEPTABLE
>>LoftyWithers
>>Pascoite
>>Baal Bunny
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Bachiavellian
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
I forgot about this contest until just over an hour before it was due. I had this huge plan for the puzzle I was planning and just kept cutting and cutting significantly because obviously there's so much you can do in an hour :S
So yeah. This was written half as a puzzle, and half as a joke. There are so many mistakes in here it's not even funny. Yup, messed up with the syllables. Rhymes were almost 100% complimentary of rhymezone.com, and therefore a stretch. I'm not even part of the community that was actually around when "Ot" was a thing. I just learned about it a couple days before writing this and decided to include it because I thought it was memeable. How did this do so well. Help. Please. I'm going insane. apoisdfahpsfhipah
(Thank you so much for leaving comments though. Even though I didn't take this seriously, it was my first poem since middle school, and I really appreciate that people took the time to take a look at it -- even if it was anonymous!)
I even managed to mess up the puzzle, but at least I haven't given up on that part yet. No one's come up with a solution yet, although people have been incredibly clever, perhaps even cleverer than I! I think a couple comments are headed on the right track, although I won't say which ones for now. To make things right, I'm maintaining the prize money at $20 despite losing anonymity, and releasing a quick poem hotfix to make things a little clearer. Hint: the hotfix itself acts as a hint! (And hopefully I haven't messed it up this time too! Although probably I have! :D:D:D)
Here it is:
No deadline, so no rush. Again, whoever solves the poem wins. Happy puzzle solving! :)
>>Pascoite
>>Baal Bunny
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Bachiavellian
>>Trick_Question
>>The_Letter_J
I forgot about this contest until just over an hour before it was due. I had this huge plan for the puzzle I was planning and just kept cutting and cutting significantly because obviously there's so much you can do in an hour :S
So yeah. This was written half as a puzzle, and half as a joke. There are so many mistakes in here it's not even funny. Yup, messed up with the syllables. Rhymes were almost 100% complimentary of rhymezone.com, and therefore a stretch. I'm not even part of the community that was actually around when "Ot" was a thing. I just learned about it a couple days before writing this and decided to include it because I thought it was memeable. How did this do so well. Help. Please. I'm going insane. apoisdfahpsfhipah
(Thank you so much for leaving comments though. Even though I didn't take this seriously, it was my first poem since middle school, and I really appreciate that people took the time to take a look at it -- even if it was anonymous!)
I even managed to mess up the puzzle, but at least I haven't given up on that part yet. No one's come up with a solution yet, although people have been incredibly clever, perhaps even cleverer than I! I think a couple comments are headed on the right track, although I won't say which ones for now. To make things right, I'm maintaining the prize money at $20 despite losing anonymity, and releasing a quick poem hotfix to make things a little clearer. Hint: the hotfix itself acts as a hint! (And hopefully I haven't messed it up this time too! Although probably I have! :D:D:D)
Here it is:
When Ogg and Grogg
Hungry, beaten
Found a bullfrog
So idly, then,
“Mine!” said Ogg, but
Grogg was faster—
A fist was shut
A fight, a blur.
“No u!” cried Grogg,
“U!” an answer,
Punching, mud slog,
Untimely slur,
In the end who
Won? A winner
Never found to
Claim their dinner.
A hundred years
Ogg Clan Grogg Clan
Joined their blood-peers
To reclaim land,
“U!” yelled Grogg Clan,
“No! No u, Grogg,
Our reign will span
A million fogs.”
A war to last
Permanently, to
Honor Groggs past
Prove they were true
To arms! They fight!
Bullfrog damnèd,
“Duh, we were right!”
Ogg programmèd.
Five thousand years,
Much had changed, yes,
Ogg was high-gear,
No mace, no mess,
Poland steamrolled,
Then France, to scrap,
“Nö ü!” one doled,
“No u, old chap!”
Today the fight
Gone, but still there’s
Still that damn blight
Gossip backstairs,
“U! No u!” is
“You’re fake! I’m not!
You’re bad for biz,
Idiots. Hotshots.”
And in the future, it continues
Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares? You lot?
But in the end you’ll find it in you
Dispel the fight with one word:
Ot
No deadline, so no rush. Again, whoever solves the poem wins. Happy puzzle solving! :)
I submitted this prompt as a joke oh no oh no
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
(Or, am I not sorry? :thonk:)
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
(Or, am I not sorry? :thonk:)
Post by
_Moonshot
, deleted
I'm posting a short review on this one because the longer one was deemed to take up too much memory, and I would probably get sued by the government or something. Alas, I cannot regale you with enough glowing praise to fit 3 Jupiter's worth of Bibles.
Too long; didn't read
Twenty out of ten shitpost
So: instant top slate
Too long; didn't read
Twenty out of ten shitpost
So: instant top slate
>>WritingSpirit
I'm gonna try to be as thorough as I can, so some of this is gonna be super nitpicky. Obviously not all of this has to be answered; what fun is a piece if it doesn't leave the readers with any questions left to ask? :P
What compelled the Mýrarhryssur to wander around, then presumably commit suicide in the first place?
How did Luna watch them get claimed by the abyss before she turned fifteen, if that abyss was from the rotunda?
Why was Lady Canary okay with this? How did she feel when she saw her mentor getting claimed?
Why are some of the Mýrarhryssur frozen around the rotunda instead of being claimed within it?
I find the phrase "It was eyeless" interesting, because it's the only one that refers to Lady Canary as an "it". I was curious if this had any significant meaning.
What is the overall purpose of the Penumbra, if Luna had to rarely return to it afterwards?
Is the vision of Lady Canary real? If so, why is she beckoning to Luna if Luna does not have a student to teach the Penumbra to yet?
If Luna is basically immortal, how will the Penumbra factor into her future?
I'm gonna try to be as thorough as I can, so some of this is gonna be super nitpicky. Obviously not all of this has to be answered; what fun is a piece if it doesn't leave the readers with any questions left to ask? :P
What compelled the Mýrarhryssur to wander around, then presumably commit suicide in the first place?
How did Luna watch them get claimed by the abyss before she turned fifteen, if that abyss was from the rotunda?
Why was Lady Canary okay with this? How did she feel when she saw her mentor getting claimed?
Why are some of the Mýrarhryssur frozen around the rotunda instead of being claimed within it?
I find the phrase "It was eyeless" interesting, because it's the only one that refers to Lady Canary as an "it". I was curious if this had any significant meaning.
What is the overall purpose of the Penumbra, if Luna had to rarely return to it afterwards?
Is the vision of Lady Canary real? If so, why is she beckoning to Luna if Luna does not have a student to teach the Penumbra to yet?
If Luna is basically immortal, how will the Penumbra factor into her future?
Last night, just before I fell asleep, to quell the perfectionist in me I told myself I'd be incredibly happy if I woke up to fifth place. So I woke up to this instead, and even though there's still some part of me screaming about how my entry was bad and how I struggled to empathize with my own characters, I will graciously accept my result. Thanks so much to everyone for the compliments and the criticisms, I really appreciate it!
So first, onto the story writing process. It was just past midnight, and I had zero ideas on where to start. I had two goals in mind, though. One was to potentially write something fit for expansion, maybe vaguely tangential to some other things I've written. The other was to write something small and feel-good, if just for my own sake. So all I did was write one sentence. Then the next based on the previous one, then the next based on the previous two, and so on. No outline, no direction, just write until I reach the wordcount. Eventually I figured someone would probably write a story based on Daring Do's physical adventures, so I decided to write one based on her lesser explored emotional side.
Ok, reviews! My fake-review covered most of the important things, I hope. Basic things first:
>>Baal Bunny
>>Flashgen
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Y'know, I specifically made a note to myself to avoid the gender mix-up and then totally forgot about it. I will chalk this up to my relative inexperience writing ponies, but duly noted for next time. I really like this suggestion of contextualizing the meeting, and I will do my best to follow it before publishing on Fimfic!
>>CoffeeMinion
Can't believe I got put down as strong, haha. Thank you! Yup, it was a personal choice, and one where I can understand if it worked less for some people than others. One quick question, where do you think the color stone thing should have been placed?
>>WritingSpirit
Totally understand your qualms, and I'll do my best to fix them. You were spot on about the rushed ending and dialogue. I'm still debating whether to switch POVs or not, but I think if I decide to keep the current one, I'll elaborate a little more on Wild Ace's own thoughts and motivations.
>>No_Raisin
I do not deserve a review this good. Really. But thank you so much for all the positive support here and in Discord; I really appreciate it!
>>Moosetasm
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :)
So first, onto the story writing process. It was just past midnight, and I had zero ideas on where to start. I had two goals in mind, though. One was to potentially write something fit for expansion, maybe vaguely tangential to some other things I've written. The other was to write something small and feel-good, if just for my own sake. So all I did was write one sentence. Then the next based on the previous one, then the next based on the previous two, and so on. No outline, no direction, just write until I reach the wordcount. Eventually I figured someone would probably write a story based on Daring Do's physical adventures, so I decided to write one based on her lesser explored emotional side.
Ok, reviews! My fake-review covered most of the important things, I hope. Basic things first:
>>Baal Bunny
>>Flashgen
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Y'know, I specifically made a note to myself to avoid the gender mix-up and then totally forgot about it. I will chalk this up to my relative inexperience writing ponies, but duly noted for next time. I really like this suggestion of contextualizing the meeting, and I will do my best to follow it before publishing on Fimfic!
>>CoffeeMinion
Can't believe I got put down as strong, haha. Thank you! Yup, it was a personal choice, and one where I can understand if it worked less for some people than others. One quick question, where do you think the color stone thing should have been placed?
>>WritingSpirit
Totally understand your qualms, and I'll do my best to fix them. You were spot on about the rushed ending and dialogue. I'm still debating whether to switch POVs or not, but I think if I decide to keep the current one, I'll elaborate a little more on Wild Ace's own thoughts and motivations.
>>No_Raisin
I do not deserve a review this good. Really. But thank you so much for all the positive support here and in Discord; I really appreciate it!
>>Moosetasm
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :)
Paging WIP