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Confidant
When I wake from my slumber, Daring Do is sitting on my open windowsill, staring at the starry sky.
I practically leap out of my blankets. When she doesn’t move, I sink backwards, hiding in the shadows. My breath grows quiet and strained.
She turns her head, and I freeze, squeezing my eyes shut. There’s a thump, and seconds later I hear the creaking of the bed as she sits on the other end.
I reopen my eyes. She’s still there, of course. She’s smiling, but not in the brave way I’m used to. Instead, her eyes point downwards, and she swallows heavily.
Okay, Wild Ace. You’ve just woken up and Daring Do the fictional hero is sitting two feet away from you. What do you do?
“Are you a changeling?”
Her smile grows a little. “No.”
I squint. “Is this a dream?”
She chuckles wistfully. “Who knows. Maybe it is.”
“Okay then,” I say, shrugging. “So why are you in my bedroom?”
She ignores my question, but looks me straight in the eyes. “Little filly, what do you think about me?”
I shrug again. “Well, I mean you’re... you. You are Daring Do, right? The mare who’s always looking for adventure, and who always beats the bad guys to it?”
Her smile fades a little. “I sure am. Want a souvenir?” She doesn’t wait for a response, fishing something out of a pocket and tossing it in my direction. “Here.”
I pick it up, and my breath stops. It’s an orange gem, perfectly cut, and on the inside, there’s a gentle pulsing of light from every color of the rainbow. “I... wow,” I whisper. “This is so cool. Are you sure you don’t want it?”
She shakes her head. “Nah. It’s just something I picked up from my latest travels.” She pauses. “And if it’s a dream, I guess neither of us will be able to keep it anyways.”
“That’s okay,” I say. “Thank you.” All of a sudden, my eyes brighten, and I gasp. “Wait, if you’ve been travelling, that means you’ve got something even cooler, right? Will there be a new book?”
She stays silent and hops off my bed, walking back over to the windowsill. “Maybe,” she finally responds. “Probably not. I don’t really want to bother you with the details.”
“So why are you here?” I repeat.
“If I’m real, I’d say that sometimes I just like visiting fans,” she says levelly. “There’s something nice about that, don’t you think? Just coming and going in the middle of the night, like a whisper.” She pauses again. “But of course, if I’m part of a dream, I’d say that Princess Luna probably put me here.”
I raise an eyebrow. “That’s cool. I think you’re cool too, by the way. But I mean you probably get that a lot. If you’re real, of course.” I frown. “I still don’t get why you’re visiting me now, or even why Princess Luna would put you here.”
She gives me a terse smile. “Well, like I said, I just like visiting fans. And I...” Her smile turns into frustration. She groans. “Buck it,” she mutters to herself. “Just tell him.”
She turns back towards me. “What’s your name, little filly?”
“Wild Ace.”
“That’s a nice name. Say, Wild Ace, does the Daring Do you know mess up?”
“Sure,” I reply. “Plenty of times. Like the time she almost lost the Amulet of Plades in the pit of lava.”
“Okay,” she continues. “Does the Daring Do you know ever fail?”
“Also yeah,” I say. “Like the time she got stranded in the forest after getting all her magical artifacts stolen, or the time she almost got tricked by Dr. Caballeron into giving up adventuring. But she always wins in the end. She found the bad guys’ secret hideout and took the artifacts back. Then she found out about Dr. Caballeron’s plans and exposed him.”
Daring Do shifts her wings nervously. “Tell me more about that second thing. The one where she almost gave up.”
I look at her confusedly. “I mean, you’re Daring Do. Don’t you already know what happened?” I ask.
Her lips purse. “Maybe. I just want to know what you think about it, I guess.”
“Well,” I say, “Daring Do, well... you, almost quit adventuring because you thought you were messing up other ponies’ lives too much. But then it turned out to be a big set up, and you got back your confidence and saved the day.”
She slowly nods. “Yeah. That sounds about right.” There’s a much longer pause this time. I watch as she puts a hoof on her chest, takes a deep breath in, points her hoof outwards, and slowly exhales. “Anyways, I have one last question for you. Does the Daring Do you know ever screw up so badly that she can’t possibly blame anypony but herself?”
“Of course not!” I exclaim. “Daring Do always wins eventually, no matter what.” I lean forward, concerned. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your latest travels, does it?”
“N-no. Well, maybe,” she stammers. “But maybe not. Maybe it’s just the dream talking, and --”
“I don’t think this is a dream,” I interrupt, and she shrinks. I pick up the gem again, examining the light’s ebb and flow. “So where’d the gem come from?”
She peers into its core, relaxing as she notices the gentle colors. “You see that rainbow?” she begins. “That’s the emotion inside of you. There’s enthusiasm, and joy, and kindness, and... hope. Here, let me hold it real quick.” She stretches out a hoof, and I pass it over.
Instantly, there’s a change. The colors twist and stretch, transforming into erratically moving shades of blue, purple, and black.
“That’s the emotion inside me right now,” she says. “There’s a lot of despair and sadness. Maybe if you squint, there’s only a little hope at the middle. When I got this gem, I was utterly defeated by somepony I’d never seen before. They stole something really, really powerful. As their final act, they spared my life and gave me this gem, as if to rub it in. Now you know why I don’t want it.” Tears began to well in her eyes.
“Hey,” I say. “Maybe I don’t know as much about life as you, but yesterday in school I learned about Ponedora’s Box. There were all these negative emotions being released, but at the bottom of the box, there was a little bit of hope. I don’t think you’ve lost. The Daring Do I know always wins, even if she loses at first.”
Daring Do wipes her eyes and sniffs. “It’s just that simple, huh?”
“Yeah!” I say. “You can’t give up now. At least now you know that there’ll be at least one filly cheering you on.”
She sighs and smiles. “Thanks, I needed that. Well, back to the front lines I go, I guess, and someday I’ll return with a little less blue inside me.” Her face turns serious. “Listen. In the case that something goes wrong, you take your family and book it to the Crystal Empire, okay? I don’t want anything bad happening to you.” She fluffs her wings, preparing for flight.
“You’re Daring Do,” I say. “I believe in you. You can save the day!”
For the first time, I see that brave smile. She gives me a salute. “Yessir!”
Then, she takes off. I watch as she goes and wave, looking towards a brighter tomorrow.
I practically leap out of my blankets. When she doesn’t move, I sink backwards, hiding in the shadows. My breath grows quiet and strained.
She turns her head, and I freeze, squeezing my eyes shut. There’s a thump, and seconds later I hear the creaking of the bed as she sits on the other end.
I reopen my eyes. She’s still there, of course. She’s smiling, but not in the brave way I’m used to. Instead, her eyes point downwards, and she swallows heavily.
Okay, Wild Ace. You’ve just woken up and Daring Do the fictional hero is sitting two feet away from you. What do you do?
“Are you a changeling?”
Her smile grows a little. “No.”
I squint. “Is this a dream?”
She chuckles wistfully. “Who knows. Maybe it is.”
“Okay then,” I say, shrugging. “So why are you in my bedroom?”
She ignores my question, but looks me straight in the eyes. “Little filly, what do you think about me?”
I shrug again. “Well, I mean you’re... you. You are Daring Do, right? The mare who’s always looking for adventure, and who always beats the bad guys to it?”
Her smile fades a little. “I sure am. Want a souvenir?” She doesn’t wait for a response, fishing something out of a pocket and tossing it in my direction. “Here.”
I pick it up, and my breath stops. It’s an orange gem, perfectly cut, and on the inside, there’s a gentle pulsing of light from every color of the rainbow. “I... wow,” I whisper. “This is so cool. Are you sure you don’t want it?”
She shakes her head. “Nah. It’s just something I picked up from my latest travels.” She pauses. “And if it’s a dream, I guess neither of us will be able to keep it anyways.”
“That’s okay,” I say. “Thank you.” All of a sudden, my eyes brighten, and I gasp. “Wait, if you’ve been travelling, that means you’ve got something even cooler, right? Will there be a new book?”
She stays silent and hops off my bed, walking back over to the windowsill. “Maybe,” she finally responds. “Probably not. I don’t really want to bother you with the details.”
“So why are you here?” I repeat.
“If I’m real, I’d say that sometimes I just like visiting fans,” she says levelly. “There’s something nice about that, don’t you think? Just coming and going in the middle of the night, like a whisper.” She pauses again. “But of course, if I’m part of a dream, I’d say that Princess Luna probably put me here.”
I raise an eyebrow. “That’s cool. I think you’re cool too, by the way. But I mean you probably get that a lot. If you’re real, of course.” I frown. “I still don’t get why you’re visiting me now, or even why Princess Luna would put you here.”
She gives me a terse smile. “Well, like I said, I just like visiting fans. And I...” Her smile turns into frustration. She groans. “Buck it,” she mutters to herself. “Just tell him.”
She turns back towards me. “What’s your name, little filly?”
“Wild Ace.”
“That’s a nice name. Say, Wild Ace, does the Daring Do you know mess up?”
“Sure,” I reply. “Plenty of times. Like the time she almost lost the Amulet of Plades in the pit of lava.”
“Okay,” she continues. “Does the Daring Do you know ever fail?”
“Also yeah,” I say. “Like the time she got stranded in the forest after getting all her magical artifacts stolen, or the time she almost got tricked by Dr. Caballeron into giving up adventuring. But she always wins in the end. She found the bad guys’ secret hideout and took the artifacts back. Then she found out about Dr. Caballeron’s plans and exposed him.”
Daring Do shifts her wings nervously. “Tell me more about that second thing. The one where she almost gave up.”
I look at her confusedly. “I mean, you’re Daring Do. Don’t you already know what happened?” I ask.
Her lips purse. “Maybe. I just want to know what you think about it, I guess.”
“Well,” I say, “Daring Do, well... you, almost quit adventuring because you thought you were messing up other ponies’ lives too much. But then it turned out to be a big set up, and you got back your confidence and saved the day.”
She slowly nods. “Yeah. That sounds about right.” There’s a much longer pause this time. I watch as she puts a hoof on her chest, takes a deep breath in, points her hoof outwards, and slowly exhales. “Anyways, I have one last question for you. Does the Daring Do you know ever screw up so badly that she can’t possibly blame anypony but herself?”
“Of course not!” I exclaim. “Daring Do always wins eventually, no matter what.” I lean forward, concerned. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your latest travels, does it?”
“N-no. Well, maybe,” she stammers. “But maybe not. Maybe it’s just the dream talking, and --”
“I don’t think this is a dream,” I interrupt, and she shrinks. I pick up the gem again, examining the light’s ebb and flow. “So where’d the gem come from?”
She peers into its core, relaxing as she notices the gentle colors. “You see that rainbow?” she begins. “That’s the emotion inside of you. There’s enthusiasm, and joy, and kindness, and... hope. Here, let me hold it real quick.” She stretches out a hoof, and I pass it over.
Instantly, there’s a change. The colors twist and stretch, transforming into erratically moving shades of blue, purple, and black.
“That’s the emotion inside me right now,” she says. “There’s a lot of despair and sadness. Maybe if you squint, there’s only a little hope at the middle. When I got this gem, I was utterly defeated by somepony I’d never seen before. They stole something really, really powerful. As their final act, they spared my life and gave me this gem, as if to rub it in. Now you know why I don’t want it.” Tears began to well in her eyes.
“Hey,” I say. “Maybe I don’t know as much about life as you, but yesterday in school I learned about Ponedora’s Box. There were all these negative emotions being released, but at the bottom of the box, there was a little bit of hope. I don’t think you’ve lost. The Daring Do I know always wins, even if she loses at first.”
Daring Do wipes her eyes and sniffs. “It’s just that simple, huh?”
“Yeah!” I say. “You can’t give up now. At least now you know that there’ll be at least one filly cheering you on.”
She sighs and smiles. “Thanks, I needed that. Well, back to the front lines I go, I guess, and someday I’ll return with a little less blue inside me.” Her face turns serious. “Listen. In the case that something goes wrong, you take your family and book it to the Crystal Empire, okay? I don’t want anything bad happening to you.” She fluffs her wings, preparing for flight.
“You’re Daring Do,” I say. “I believe in you. You can save the day!”
For the first time, I see that brave smile. She gives me a salute. “Yessir!”
Then, she takes off. I watch as she goes and wave, looking towards a brighter tomorrow.
Pics
Genre: Touched By An Angel Adventurer (which sounds worse than Angel when I write it out like that)
Thoughts: Maybe I’m a sucker for the concept of a hero getting cheered up by a fan in their darkest hour, but I can’t help but enjoy this one. It knows exactly what kind of story it wants to be, and it just gets on with it. The prose is clean, the pacing is pretty good, and it maintains the uncertainty about whether it’s a dream or reality just as long as it needs to... overall I’d call this highly successful.
With that said, this does lose a few points with me for two specific things. First is more of a personal thing: the scope of the story itself is fairly small. Now, again, I think this is a deliberate choice on the part of the Author, and I can’t fault them for choosing to zero in on a small moment and play it to the hilt. Second is... also kind of a personal thing: I felt like the moment with the color stone would’ve been more effective if it had come earlier.
I dunno though, this is pretty good! All I’ve got is personal stuff that I might’ve done differently!
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Maybe I’m a sucker for the concept of a hero getting cheered up by a fan in their darkest hour, but I can’t help but enjoy this one. It knows exactly what kind of story it wants to be, and it just gets on with it. The prose is clean, the pacing is pretty good, and it maintains the uncertainty about whether it’s a dream or reality just as long as it needs to... overall I’d call this highly successful.
With that said, this does lose a few points with me for two specific things. First is more of a personal thing: the scope of the story itself is fairly small. Now, again, I think this is a deliberate choice on the part of the Author, and I can’t fault them for choosing to zero in on a small moment and play it to the hilt. Second is... also kind of a personal thing: I felt like the moment with the color stone would’ve been more effective if it had come earlier.
I dunno though, this is pretty good! All I’ve got is personal stuff that I might’ve done differently!
Tier: Strong
This story was well-written, but the premise was like waking to find that my cat had dropped a live snake in my bed, but instead of a snake, it's a bald eagle, and I don't have a cat.
Hard to see how that happened.
Maybe the eagle is really Daring Do's dead child, returned to haunt her dreams? Or maybe I'm that kid's mom, and abandoned him at birth, but tracked him down and stand outside his window every night, staring inside and dreaming of what could have been. Or maybe it's someone else's kid, and I'm a creepy stalker who's going to get a face full of buck shot when the kid's dad breaks down the door and finds me in the window.
Hard to see how that happened.
Maybe the eagle is really Daring Do's dead child, returned to haunt her dreams? Or maybe I'm that kid's mom, and abandoned him at birth, but tracked him down and stand outside his window every night, staring inside and dreaming of what could have been. Or maybe it's someone else's kid, and I'm a creepy stalker who's going to get a face full of buck shot when the kid's dad breaks down the door and finds me in the window.
If you lurked about in the WriteOff's Discord chat, then you'd probably already know the thoughts I have about your story. Of the two Daring Do stories we have this round — three if you count Caballeron and the Sphinx's appearance in Impermanent Vacation — this story was the one that resonated with me the most, as flawed as I found it to be. Like with another entry, I've pondered about this one for quite a bit, mostly cause I really like the ideas at play here but I couldn't quite pinpoint why its execution didn't quite seem to hit the mark for me. After much thought (and a good night's rest), I think the issues I brought up below kind of explained why.
I kinda liked how abrupt this whole situation between Daring and Wild Ace seems to be. The narrow scope and the use of present tense definitely helped with making it look like a spur of the moment kinda thing. It livens up what I think ultimately would've been a rather nondescript exchange otherwise. Honestly, I had some qualms about Daring Do just randomly showing in the filly's room in my first few reads, and I've made it known to others in the Discord chat about it as well, but I think I'm willing to look past it this time since it can easily be addressed in the context you've given us. The story does a lot with how the situation unfolds and hints at a greater narrative happening in the background at the same time, one we may or may not get to see. That's always a plus for me.
The crux of the story lies in the dialogue. It's where I think this story really shines, especially in the first two-thirds of the story. The exchange between Wild Ace and Daring Do left me smiling as I went along. They play off each other really well and the dialogue, though a bit rocky at some parts, comes across as rather natural.
It's really when they bring up the gem all of the sudden where I think the dialogue begins to falter, mostly because I felt like both Wild Ace and Daring Do began to talk in platitudes, which drives a wedge into how natural the conversation had been flowing up to that point. I feel as though it's because you needed a place to end the story quickly and had to shave off a lot of extra material to make it fit into the wordcount, which I get it, we've all been there once upon a time. Hopefully in an expanded version, I wished this part of the conversation would go along a little more smoothly and slowly, let the pacing even out a little to have the scene slowly sink in for the characters and for us in turn. In other words, I want the climax of the conversation to be more personal to the characters. Give both Daring Do and Wild Ace the resolution they both deserve.
The voicing of Wild Ace, I feel, needs just a bit of tweaking here and there, especially towards the end. It's not really the choice of words I have an issue with but more of how I think her narration as the story unfolds needs to be a bit more paced out, especially, again, towards the end. I think it could still be a little bit more dynamic by letting some parts breathe a little more. You know, let us sink in every pause she takes and every gesture she makes. Give the young filly a few quirks to really brighten up the whole conversation.
I did bring up in the chat about how maybe switching to Daring Do's perspective that the story would fare better. I could definitely envision a version of this story where that's the case, but ultimately I think that really comes down to what kind of story you're looking to tell and whether or not you're capable of executing it. I think there's a version of this story coming from Wild Ace's perspective that would blow out of the water most versions of this story being interpreted from Daring Do's perspective. All it needs is just the proper amount of time and effort in the right places and you might have it in your hands sooner than later.
Ultimately, this story did a great job in immersing me into the story proper. I think most of my problems with it comes down to the pacing of the final several paragraphs being a little too breezy than I had hoped, which I think was either from lack of time or from having to fit into the wordcount. That being said, I would love to see an expanded version of this on FimFic.
Thanks for writing, fellow Author, and good luck!
I kinda liked how abrupt this whole situation between Daring and Wild Ace seems to be. The narrow scope and the use of present tense definitely helped with making it look like a spur of the moment kinda thing. It livens up what I think ultimately would've been a rather nondescript exchange otherwise. Honestly, I had some qualms about Daring Do just randomly showing in the filly's room in my first few reads, and I've made it known to others in the Discord chat about it as well, but I think I'm willing to look past it this time since it can easily be addressed in the context you've given us. The story does a lot with how the situation unfolds and hints at a greater narrative happening in the background at the same time, one we may or may not get to see. That's always a plus for me.
The crux of the story lies in the dialogue. It's where I think this story really shines, especially in the first two-thirds of the story. The exchange between Wild Ace and Daring Do left me smiling as I went along. They play off each other really well and the dialogue, though a bit rocky at some parts, comes across as rather natural.
It's really when they bring up the gem all of the sudden where I think the dialogue begins to falter, mostly because I felt like both Wild Ace and Daring Do began to talk in platitudes, which drives a wedge into how natural the conversation had been flowing up to that point. I feel as though it's because you needed a place to end the story quickly and had to shave off a lot of extra material to make it fit into the wordcount, which I get it, we've all been there once upon a time. Hopefully in an expanded version, I wished this part of the conversation would go along a little more smoothly and slowly, let the pacing even out a little to have the scene slowly sink in for the characters and for us in turn. In other words, I want the climax of the conversation to be more personal to the characters. Give both Daring Do and Wild Ace the resolution they both deserve.
The voicing of Wild Ace, I feel, needs just a bit of tweaking here and there, especially towards the end. It's not really the choice of words I have an issue with but more of how I think her narration as the story unfolds needs to be a bit more paced out, especially, again, towards the end. I think it could still be a little bit more dynamic by letting some parts breathe a little more. You know, let us sink in every pause she takes and every gesture she makes. Give the young filly a few quirks to really brighten up the whole conversation.
I did bring up in the chat about how maybe switching to Daring Do's perspective that the story would fare better. I could definitely envision a version of this story where that's the case, but ultimately I think that really comes down to what kind of story you're looking to tell and whether or not you're capable of executing it. I think there's a version of this story coming from Wild Ace's perspective that would blow out of the water most versions of this story being interpreted from Daring Do's perspective. All it needs is just the proper amount of time and effort in the right places and you might have it in your hands sooner than later.
Ultimately, this story did a great job in immersing me into the story proper. I think most of my problems with it comes down to the pacing of the final several paragraphs being a little too breezy than I had hoped, which I think was either from lack of time or from having to fit into the wordcount. That being said, I would love to see an expanded version of this on FimFic.
Thanks for writing, fellow Author, and good luck!
So because I waited a day to review this, I went from being potentially the first to review it to now being the fourth. News travels fast around WriteOff HQ, apparently, specially when booze is involved...
Something I liked:
The pacing. Unf. There are a few entries this round that I would describe as "patient," but this is the one that feels the most evenly spread out to me. Pretty much everything fits so perfectly, like a cog in a well-oiled machine, that it accomplishes something that's very hard to do in 1250 words or less: it left kind of an impression on me. Sometimes less is more, and although I can see this working from Daring Do's POV, I like how much we find out about her emotional state through the eyes of another pony. It helps that Wild Ace herself is a child character who doesn't annoy me.
Something I didn't like:
Although I must confess, author, that as is often the case with "rough drafts," this is a weaker reading the second time around. This is mainly because of the ending, which is too clean. Granted, this is a common symptom of mini-fics (1250 words borders on mini), but it's still a bit disappointing to see a conflict of this magnitude (while still being very much on a personal scale) be resolved with such swiftness. It's the only part of the story that feels rushed to me, because up to this point the exchange had been pretty much flawless in its pacing.
Verdict: One of my favorites, without a doubt, although exactly how well it does remains to be seen.
Something I liked:
The pacing. Unf. There are a few entries this round that I would describe as "patient," but this is the one that feels the most evenly spread out to me. Pretty much everything fits so perfectly, like a cog in a well-oiled machine, that it accomplishes something that's very hard to do in 1250 words or less: it left kind of an impression on me. Sometimes less is more, and although I can see this working from Daring Do's POV, I like how much we find out about her emotional state through the eyes of another pony. It helps that Wild Ace herself is a child character who doesn't annoy me.
Something I didn't like:
Although I must confess, author, that as is often the case with "rough drafts," this is a weaker reading the second time around. This is mainly because of the ending, which is too clean. Granted, this is a common symptom of mini-fics (1250 words borders on mini), but it's still a bit disappointing to see a conflict of this magnitude (while still being very much on a personal scale) be resolved with such swiftness. It's the only part of the story that feels rushed to me, because up to this point the exchange had been pretty much flawless in its pacing.
Verdict: One of my favorites, without a doubt, although exactly how well it does remains to be seen.
This is heartwarming. I’d say that even if I didn’t a heart (might be the case). This story might cause one to spontaneously grow a new heart (Not that I would know anything about that).
inb4 Daring Do accidentally gave Wild Ace an infinity stone
So I'm actually finding myself agreeing with a lot of the other commenters on this one. First, I'm getting mixed feelings about the premise. I get that a little suspension of disbelief is required to accept that Daring Do randomly decided to show up at some child's room, but maybe we could see this better elaborated later on in the story, so I think combining that with Daring Do's is this a dream/not a dream would be quite nice, since they both seem to follow kind of the same thread. I think Raisin mentioned that maybe she's just desperate? I'm not sure if that's the case, but it does seem kind of likely, so I'm gonna subscribe to that too (please tell us if we're wrong!)
Outside that one thing, though, I found the intro quite nice. It gets to the point, and it's pretty immersive. The dialogue is belivable. Very nitpicky, but maybe I'd like to see a bit more of Daring Do's voice in Daring Do, maybe something along the lines of how she felt in Daring Done (which you mentioned later).
Towards the middle of the story, I think the dialogue gets a little less believable, presumably to push the story along. For ex: the kid's "and who always beats the bad guys to it" seems a little out of place. This is maaaybe also the case with a couple other lines, but nothing blatant. Something I think could've been a little better done here would be why Daring Do repeatedly brings up that it's a dream, and like I said earlier this doesn't immediately need to be revealed but can probably be brought up later.
So a little later in the story is where I'm debating the use of a passive main character, as Spirit mentioned. First, Daring uses Wild Ace as a bouncing board, which is understandable but maybe could've been conveyed a little better. The other reason why I think shifting POV might be beneficial is because we rarely get to hear the kid's thoughts, and I feel like that's something Daring Do would have a lot more to say on.
Final thing. Agree with Spirit that the characters start speaking in platitudes. It feels a little like you had to rush here and make things a little more tell-y, so I think checking this before publishing on Fimfic would be a good idea! Overall though, heartwarming and pretty well written -- just a couple important details to iron out. Thanks for the submission, anon!
So I'm actually finding myself agreeing with a lot of the other commenters on this one. First, I'm getting mixed feelings about the premise. I get that a little suspension of disbelief is required to accept that Daring Do randomly decided to show up at some child's room, but maybe we could see this better elaborated later on in the story, so I think combining that with Daring Do's is this a dream/not a dream would be quite nice, since they both seem to follow kind of the same thread. I think Raisin mentioned that maybe she's just desperate? I'm not sure if that's the case, but it does seem kind of likely, so I'm gonna subscribe to that too (please tell us if we're wrong!)
Outside that one thing, though, I found the intro quite nice. It gets to the point, and it's pretty immersive. The dialogue is belivable. Very nitpicky, but maybe I'd like to see a bit more of Daring Do's voice in Daring Do, maybe something along the lines of how she felt in Daring Done (which you mentioned later).
Towards the middle of the story, I think the dialogue gets a little less believable, presumably to push the story along. For ex: the kid's "and who always beats the bad guys to it" seems a little out of place. This is maaaybe also the case with a couple other lines, but nothing blatant. Something I think could've been a little better done here would be why Daring Do repeatedly brings up that it's a dream, and like I said earlier this doesn't immediately need to be revealed but can probably be brought up later.
So a little later in the story is where I'm debating the use of a passive main character, as Spirit mentioned. First, Daring uses Wild Ace as a bouncing board, which is understandable but maybe could've been conveyed a little better. The other reason why I think shifting POV might be beneficial is because we rarely get to hear the kid's thoughts, and I feel like that's something Daring Do would have a lot more to say on.
Final thing. Agree with Spirit that the characters start speaking in platitudes. It feels a little like you had to rush here and make things a little more tell-y, so I think checking this before publishing on Fimfic would be a good idea! Overall though, heartwarming and pretty well written -- just a couple important details to iron out. Thanks for the submission, anon!
Nice:
But two things confused me. The little thing was the way Daring Do calls Wild Ace both "filly" and "him." "Filly" is the term for a young female horse, y'see, while "colt" is for young males...
The big thing was how Daring Do found this kid to begin with. You can give us clues--are they Daring Do print blankets Ace practically leaps out of at the beginning? Is Ace surprised by how similar--or how different--the real Daring Do looks when compared to the posters all over the walls? Does Daring at some point gesture to the bookshelves overflowing with her novels? Give us something that'll let us suspend disbelief and say to ourselves, "Oh, Daring was slouching down the street despondently and looked up to see her posters on the other side of this window." Show us that Ace is a fan so we can see how Daring Do knew it.
Mike
But two things confused me. The little thing was the way Daring Do calls Wild Ace both "filly" and "him." "Filly" is the term for a young female horse, y'see, while "colt" is for young males...
The big thing was how Daring Do found this kid to begin with. You can give us clues--are they Daring Do print blankets Ace practically leaps out of at the beginning? Is Ace surprised by how similar--or how different--the real Daring Do looks when compared to the posters all over the walls? Does Daring at some point gesture to the bookshelves overflowing with her novels? Give us something that'll let us suspend disbelief and say to ourselves, "Oh, Daring was slouching down the street despondently and looked up to see her posters on the other side of this window." Show us that Ace is a fan so we can see how Daring Do knew it.
Mike
A very heartwarming scene. I think the pacing is very good, and despite some confusing use by Daring Do of "filly," the dialogue is great. That said, I do have to agree with Baal that a little extra about the room or Ace's things could make it a little bit more believable that it's Ace's house she picked to stop in.
Last night, just before I fell asleep, to quell the perfectionist in me I told myself I'd be incredibly happy if I woke up to fifth place. So I woke up to this instead, and even though there's still some part of me screaming about how my entry was bad and how I struggled to empathize with my own characters, I will graciously accept my result. Thanks so much to everyone for the compliments and the criticisms, I really appreciate it!
So first, onto the story writing process. It was just past midnight, and I had zero ideas on where to start. I had two goals in mind, though. One was to potentially write something fit for expansion, maybe vaguely tangential to some other things I've written. The other was to write something small and feel-good, if just for my own sake. So all I did was write one sentence. Then the next based on the previous one, then the next based on the previous two, and so on. No outline, no direction, just write until I reach the wordcount. Eventually I figured someone would probably write a story based on Daring Do's physical adventures, so I decided to write one based on her lesser explored emotional side.
Ok, reviews! My fake-review covered most of the important things, I hope. Basic things first:
>>Baal Bunny
>>Flashgen
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Y'know, I specifically made a note to myself to avoid the gender mix-up and then totally forgot about it. I will chalk this up to my relative inexperience writing ponies, but duly noted for next time. I really like this suggestion of contextualizing the meeting, and I will do my best to follow it before publishing on Fimfic!
>>CoffeeMinion
Can't believe I got put down as strong, haha. Thank you! Yup, it was a personal choice, and one where I can understand if it worked less for some people than others. One quick question, where do you think the color stone thing should have been placed?
>>WritingSpirit
Totally understand your qualms, and I'll do my best to fix them. You were spot on about the rushed ending and dialogue. I'm still debating whether to switch POVs or not, but I think if I decide to keep the current one, I'll elaborate a little more on Wild Ace's own thoughts and motivations.
>>No_Raisin
I do not deserve a review this good. Really. But thank you so much for all the positive support here and in Discord; I really appreciate it!
>>Moosetasm
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :)
So first, onto the story writing process. It was just past midnight, and I had zero ideas on where to start. I had two goals in mind, though. One was to potentially write something fit for expansion, maybe vaguely tangential to some other things I've written. The other was to write something small and feel-good, if just for my own sake. So all I did was write one sentence. Then the next based on the previous one, then the next based on the previous two, and so on. No outline, no direction, just write until I reach the wordcount. Eventually I figured someone would probably write a story based on Daring Do's physical adventures, so I decided to write one based on her lesser explored emotional side.
Ok, reviews! My fake-review covered most of the important things, I hope. Basic things first:
>>Baal Bunny
>>Flashgen
>>Señor Alta Cruz
Y'know, I specifically made a note to myself to avoid the gender mix-up and then totally forgot about it. I will chalk this up to my relative inexperience writing ponies, but duly noted for next time. I really like this suggestion of contextualizing the meeting, and I will do my best to follow it before publishing on Fimfic!
>>CoffeeMinion
Can't believe I got put down as strong, haha. Thank you! Yup, it was a personal choice, and one where I can understand if it worked less for some people than others. One quick question, where do you think the color stone thing should have been placed?
>>WritingSpirit
Totally understand your qualms, and I'll do my best to fix them. You were spot on about the rushed ending and dialogue. I'm still debating whether to switch POVs or not, but I think if I decide to keep the current one, I'll elaborate a little more on Wild Ace's own thoughts and motivations.
>>No_Raisin
I do not deserve a review this good. Really. But thank you so much for all the positive support here and in Discord; I really appreciate it!
>>Moosetasm
Thanks for the comment! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it :)
>>_Moonshot
There are probably a few places where you could put the stone and have it work. Here's one that jumped out at me:
I could envision Daring fidgeting with it here, and Wild Ace getting a first glimpse of it. But to generalize the point: plant seeds and lay groundwork for it early if it's going to be relevant later. Call it "foreshadowing," or call it "hanging the gun above Chekhov's mantle"--use small hints and appearances of it to inform the reader that Daring has something, and to spark the reader's curiosity about what it is. (For the latter, probably do this by showing Wild Ace himself getting curious and/or frustrated that he can't quite make it out clearly.)
There are probably a few places where you could put the stone and have it work. Here's one that jumped out at me:
She gives me a terse smile. “Well, like I said, I just like visiting fans. And I...” Her smile turns into frustration. She groans. “Buck it,” she mutters to herself. “Just tell him.”
I could envision Daring fidgeting with it here, and Wild Ace getting a first glimpse of it. But to generalize the point: plant seeds and lay groundwork for it early if it's going to be relevant later. Call it "foreshadowing," or call it "hanging the gun above Chekhov's mantle"--use small hints and appearances of it to inform the reader that Daring has something, and to spark the reader's curiosity about what it is. (For the latter, probably do this by showing Wild Ace himself getting curious and/or frustrated that he can't quite make it out clearly.)