Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
A Modern Mare in Search of a Soul
The contents of this story are no longer available
Genre: Soul Caliber
Thoughts: Opening with a dream sequence is one of those risky things that either has to grab the reader and bring them along, or it risks becoming an early turnoff.
In this case, though, I think it works. It contributes to a moody, dreamlike atmosphere that permeates the rest of the story. I might prefer if the vignettes were more narratively connected rather than thematically connected; for instance, the stray cats bit was characterful but felt a bit out of place. We’ve also got a downer bit of a non-ending that just hammers home how much of a mood piece this is.
Overall though, I think the story pulls this all off by executing strongly. It’s a mood piece through and through, meant to showcase one character’s melancholy from a few different angles. And in that sense, it does very well.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Opening with a dream sequence is one of those risky things that either has to grab the reader and bring them along, or it risks becoming an early turnoff.
In this case, though, I think it works. It contributes to a moody, dreamlike atmosphere that permeates the rest of the story. I might prefer if the vignettes were more narratively connected rather than thematically connected; for instance, the stray cats bit was characterful but felt a bit out of place. We’ve also got a downer bit of a non-ending that just hammers home how much of a mood piece this is.
Overall though, I think the story pulls this all off by executing strongly. It’s a mood piece through and through, meant to showcase one character’s melancholy from a few different angles. And in that sense, it does very well.
Tier: Strong
Alternate title being "The Discreet Melancholy of the Bourgeoisie."
Something I liked:
Every entry I'd read up till now followed a linear sequence of events, but this one just doesn't give a fuck. It explores Fleur's moodiness from several angles and it doesn't care how it does it. We're in a dream, then we're in the present, then we're in the past, past, present, past... it's kind of a messy timeline, but I get it. For the record, it's not that I don't think rich people don't have problems, but it takes something different to make a rich person seem sympathetic without it becoming "white people problems." Make no mistake, Fleur is very white (and French), but this entry does an admirable job of exploring her plight.
Something I didn't like:
I enjoyed every scene... except for the last one. There's a weird air of confidence in how the story details Fleur's mental state, except at the very end where it falters and goes too far, frankly. I think you could make the imaginary questionnaire thing work in a different context, but as an ending piece it feels like the author worried that we wouldn't quite get what the story's about, so they decided to hammer it in one last time for good measure. It's the one part here that borders too close to melodrama, and melodrama is the thing I hate most (aside from AppleDash shippers, of course).
Verdict: Big mood. Pretty solid and unconventional example of a niche genre that often suffers from cliche.
Something I liked:
Every entry I'd read up till now followed a linear sequence of events, but this one just doesn't give a fuck. It explores Fleur's moodiness from several angles and it doesn't care how it does it. We're in a dream, then we're in the present, then we're in the past, past, present, past... it's kind of a messy timeline, but I get it. For the record, it's not that I don't think rich people don't have problems, but it takes something different to make a rich person seem sympathetic without it becoming "white people problems." Make no mistake, Fleur is very white (and French), but this entry does an admirable job of exploring her plight.
Something I didn't like:
I enjoyed every scene... except for the last one. There's a weird air of confidence in how the story details Fleur's mental state, except at the very end where it falters and goes too far, frankly. I think you could make the imaginary questionnaire thing work in a different context, but as an ending piece it feels like the author worried that we wouldn't quite get what the story's about, so they decided to hammer it in one last time for good measure. It's the one part here that borders too close to melodrama, and melodrama is the thing I hate most (aside from AppleDash shippers, of course).
Verdict: Big mood. Pretty solid and unconventional example of a niche genre that often suffers from cliche.
The only thing that threw me was mentioning Eons at the beginning. I thought it was a different character until the name came up. Otherwise, it’s well written, but I feel it’s just not my cup of tea.
I hate that I like this story. Character introspection is usually not my cup of tea. You sunk the Fancy Pants ship. The questionnaire at the end made me cringe.
But I love it.
But I love it.
I was a little thrown off by eons too. I'm not sure how to explain, but the prose in the first scene doesn't quite sit right with me. Descriptions seen to stretch on fairly longer than they need to be; for example, the second and third paragraphs are a little wordy, and I don't think "despite my thirty-year-old body" is necessary if it was already mentioned. The scene as a whole worked for me though, and despite the nonlinearity of everything I didn't feel that the transitions were forced. The tense changes are a tiny bit confusing, but not by much.
Real quick, and probably nitpicky. I do wonder why Fleur was initially the one to bring up the question of becoming a "Canterlot mare". At this point in the story, I assume she's naive, so I feel like it being experienced or brought up by someone else would be a better way to introduce the core problem. I enjoyed how Hoity Toity responded to the question, though.
I also appreciated the sense of angst being conveyed, though I can't help but wonder why Fleur is never able to drag herself out of her situation. As a total cat person, I also would've liked some more elaboration into the cat scene. I suspect it was there to show how Fleur was different from all the other Canterlot elite by caring about the poor (the cats)? Not entirely sure if that works.
Finally, the last scene. I'm still kind of struggling to come to a decision about this. One one hand, I think this would be done beautifully as an audiobook. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure why its there. Upon close reading, it feels like it's just repeating what's already been conveyed in the past couple scenes, so I'm not entirely sure what this is adding other than additional angst.
Overall though, this was pretty well done, and a good take on the situation. Thanks for the entry, anon!
Real quick, and probably nitpicky. I do wonder why Fleur was initially the one to bring up the question of becoming a "Canterlot mare". At this point in the story, I assume she's naive, so I feel like it being experienced or brought up by someone else would be a better way to introduce the core problem. I enjoyed how Hoity Toity responded to the question, though.
I also appreciated the sense of angst being conveyed, though I can't help but wonder why Fleur is never able to drag herself out of her situation. As a total cat person, I also would've liked some more elaboration into the cat scene. I suspect it was there to show how Fleur was different from all the other Canterlot elite by caring about the poor (the cats)? Not entirely sure if that works.
Finally, the last scene. I'm still kind of struggling to come to a decision about this. One one hand, I think this would be done beautifully as an audiobook. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure why its there. Upon close reading, it feels like it's just repeating what's already been conveyed in the past couple scenes, so I'm not entirely sure what this is adding other than additional angst.
Overall though, this was pretty well done, and a good take on the situation. Thanks for the entry, anon!
This is one of the more evocative stories in our current batch, featuring a series of vignettes surrounding a day in the life of a disillusioned Fleur De Lis. Before I go ahead and review, I should mention that any story that contains even an ounce of melancholy panders greatly to my sensibilities, so you could say my opinion has been colored somewhat. I do think, however, that in spite of its strengths, the story does falter on certain subtle aspects that prevented me from really going along for the ride, but that’s really if I’m being nitpicky.
Before that, I do wanna ramble a bit about the stuff that worked for me.
I’m rather fond of the running theme with these scenes here, which I believe is Fleur’s ineffectual search for fulfilment. Despite it being rather passive and under the surface, I kinda admire the restraint being displayed here, particularly with the scenes in the middle.
At the same time, the tone Fleur uses here is rather confrontational and almost self-deprecating, particularly when she addresses her many dissatisfactions. I was a little unsure of how it came off to me initially, as I thought the coldness somewhat clashed with the mood that the scenes were hinting towards, though that slowly changed after a few more reads. Right now, I think it really adds onto and amplifies her characterization well, as it perfectly encapsulates the misplaced anger she has at herself for circumstances that were really beyond her control.
Now for the nitpicky bits.
As much as I admire how speckled these scenes are, I feel like it also comes off as lacking some focus on some of my consecutive reads. Some part of me wanted to see a narrower, more cohesive theme than what we’re given here, yet at the same time, it does risk losing the dreamlike aspect it has going for it. I’m pretty sure there’s a way in which both can be reconciled, though that might take some time to figure out.
I also wish that the melancholy was delivered with a little bit of a progression in mind. Maybe demonstrate to us the levels of disenchantment Fleur goes through as she moves along. I think it’ll add a dynamic to the story that will complement the vignette structure.
Chiming in with another thought of the last scene as well. I agree with the others that it feels a little abrupt and out of place, and I’m especially with >>No_Raisin that it comes off as melodramatic. I think it also added a degree of separation between Fleur and her situation that I don’t think was needed, especially when it’s something this personal to her. As the story began with her talking about her mother, I think maybe you could come full circle and bring her mother up again. I realize you were channeling Fleur’s mother via the questionnaire but I think that extra layer really only interfered with the mood that the story had been cultivating up to that point.
Overall, I’m a fan of what this entry brought to the table. I’ll come out to say that this entry is ranked highly on my slate purely from execution alone. Apart from the issues with that final scene, I’m honestly at a loss as to where to move forward from what you have here, though I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Before that, I do wanna ramble a bit about the stuff that worked for me.
I’m rather fond of the running theme with these scenes here, which I believe is Fleur’s ineffectual search for fulfilment. Despite it being rather passive and under the surface, I kinda admire the restraint being displayed here, particularly with the scenes in the middle.
At the same time, the tone Fleur uses here is rather confrontational and almost self-deprecating, particularly when she addresses her many dissatisfactions. I was a little unsure of how it came off to me initially, as I thought the coldness somewhat clashed with the mood that the scenes were hinting towards, though that slowly changed after a few more reads. Right now, I think it really adds onto and amplifies her characterization well, as it perfectly encapsulates the misplaced anger she has at herself for circumstances that were really beyond her control.
Now for the nitpicky bits.
As much as I admire how speckled these scenes are, I feel like it also comes off as lacking some focus on some of my consecutive reads. Some part of me wanted to see a narrower, more cohesive theme than what we’re given here, yet at the same time, it does risk losing the dreamlike aspect it has going for it. I’m pretty sure there’s a way in which both can be reconciled, though that might take some time to figure out.
I also wish that the melancholy was delivered with a little bit of a progression in mind. Maybe demonstrate to us the levels of disenchantment Fleur goes through as she moves along. I think it’ll add a dynamic to the story that will complement the vignette structure.
Chiming in with another thought of the last scene as well. I agree with the others that it feels a little abrupt and out of place, and I’m especially with >>No_Raisin that it comes off as melodramatic. I think it also added a degree of separation between Fleur and her situation that I don’t think was needed, especially when it’s something this personal to her. As the story began with her talking about her mother, I think maybe you could come full circle and bring her mother up again. I realize you were channeling Fleur’s mother via the questionnaire but I think that extra layer really only interfered with the mood that the story had been cultivating up to that point.
Overall, I’m a fan of what this entry brought to the table. I’ll come out to say that this entry is ranked highly on my slate purely from execution alone. Apart from the issues with that final scene, I’m honestly at a loss as to where to move forward from what you have here, though I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
I enjoyed this piece greatly, and I think parts of it really struck a chord with me. I think we get a good look into Fleur's emotional state and her day-to-day sort of life in Canterlot and what she cares about. I do think this serves as a good start to a longer story that might further explore Fleur's melancholy and her dissatisfaction with her life, and perhaps see her outlook changed. However, as it stands, it still did a wonderful job of drawing me in and expresses some things that I feel about my own life.
I don't like doing retrospectives so much. Usually I've either said most of what I had to say about the damn thing during my fake review, or I end up responding to commentators in a vindictive fashion. Rest assured, there won't be much of either here, although there might still be some degree of vindication. It's a hell of a feeling to get 3rd place, especially being place just below >>CoffeeMinion and >>WritingSpirit, since they're much more naturally attuned writers than me, and because getting 3rd place gives one the feeling of just being happy to be near the top. I was especially contented by this because at first I didn't think too much of the entry of mine that would end up getting a medal.
Let's go back in time and take a look at this.
A MODERN MARE IN SEARCH OF A SOUL: THE RETROSPECTIVE
It was a dreadful night, and the last night where I could submit some fiction for this contest. Going into the round, I assumed that since I had two days to submit something, I would surely have enough time to churn out two refined entries. So the first day of writing came, and I got no writing done. I did what I usually do during a round, which is try to work out the logistics of a story in my head, as opposed to outlining everything and making things easier for myself. This is a habit that I'll probably take to my grave. But by the end of the first day I at least had a good premise.
Then the second day came.
I must've spent about three hours on my other entry, my poor gay son, "Prince Cadance." Keep in mind that as I was working on this, I didn't think I would have the time or energy to work on another entry. Frankly, I knew it wouldn't do too well, although it did end up faring decently; it certainly turned out better than what one would imagine an M/M submission would be like. I was giddy with excitement about what I'd written; I was even proud of myself.
A few more hours passed by, and at this point it must've been 1 in the morning. I found myself in the mood for sloppy seconds, if you catch my drift. I was raised a good Christian boy, and tried resisting the temptation to indulge my darkest impulses; my hands quivered in anticipation; my mind raced with horribly lewd images. But, now being the godless human that I am, I gave in easily, and started up another document in FiMFiction. Oh, the pure sin of it made my mouth water...
Anyway, I'd had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while, which truth be told is often what happens when you examine a prompt for its potential; you think about how well an old and unused story premise would line up with it. I'd wanted to write about Fleur de Lis in particular, because she's the perfect example of a vapid Canterlot bourgeois pony who might have depths of anguish and disillusionment beneath all the glitter. One of the major advantages that horse writing has over She-Ra writing is that there are many "characters" one can write about without having to fear too much about continuity. What matters is the character's design, where they live, what they (probably) do for a living, and bam, you can invent a character study with just enough of a framework to make it distinctly horse-like.
Within 90 minutes I had the whole thing started, finished, polished, and submitted. It was quick and dirty, but oddly satisfying, since I knew what I wanted to do with Fleur's character from the outset, as opposed to "Prince Cadance" where I was constantly tinkering with pacing and characterization.
And also making sure shit didn't get too gay.
Now it's time to respond to people, and why all of you are correct.
>>CoffeeMinion
The two immediate flaws you point out are the brevity of the cat scene and the questionnaire at the end. With the cat scene I would've preferred it be longer and examine Fleur's psychology more, but the word ceiling is never my friend. The questionnaire is less forgivable, since it frankly comes off as edgy, and I still can't come up with a good pretense for it. I guess I'll get rid of it, even if its absence makes the ending out to be more of an anti-climax.
>>Moosetasm
I don't know why I said "eons," it's dumb. Should've been weeks or months, probably.
>>LoftyWithers
I wasn't quite sure as to what to do with Fancy Pants, but the show doesn't know either so it's fine. I like to think that his flirtatious interactions with Fleur while in public are just for show, and that he really prefers being a bachelor. Also, I can't tell if you cringed at the questionnaire because it's rough or because it's edgy, but just know that I feel you either way.
>>_Moonshot
Much like the cat scene, the episode with Hoity Toity was meant to be longer, with Fleur's insecurity being more gradually introduced, but once again, the word ceiling is the enemy; it's especially the enemy when you're working with such a limited word count and you wanna write a lot of short scenes like I did. Fleur's anguish is largely self-imposed, although she does have some legitimate problems on her hooves: she's an immigrant in a city that will never truly accept her, she is unable to enter a satisfying relationship, and she works in an industry that quite literally treats people as objects. I suspect she would have at least a few nights where she doesn't dream so happily.
>>WritingSpirit
I'm still surprised that structurally it's not a complete mess, considering I was coming up with most of the scenes on the fly, and it didn't take me long to give up on the semblance of a linear narrative. I don't like writing linear stories so much; they make me anxious. But there's still that dilemma where I want to convey the progressive disillusionment while also keeping that freewheeling sense of a dream narrative. Some dreams are startlingly vivid, even if they lack a concrete sense of time progression; they are often defined by how you react to something in a particular moment, regardless of what may have happened before and what might happen afterward. It's a screwy idea that still needs time in the oven.
>>Flashgen
I'm glad you connected with it. The whole point is to empathize with someone whose lifestyle is perceived as totally alien by most people. You can make a rich person out to be pretty relatable; it just depends on the angle of attack. This story would be insufferable if Fleur was a clueless git who cried, "Oh woe is me, I'm so pretty and rich, but all the peasants look down on me!" She's a lot more self-aware than that, and I think that's what makes it work.
You can count on an expansion (to like 3000 words, maybe) and publication of this entry, although maybe not by tomorrow or the day after that. Gimme some time, damnit, and stay beautiful.
Let's go back in time and take a look at this.
A MODERN MARE IN SEARCH OF A SOUL: THE RETROSPECTIVE
It was a dreadful night, and the last night where I could submit some fiction for this contest. Going into the round, I assumed that since I had two days to submit something, I would surely have enough time to churn out two refined entries. So the first day of writing came, and I got no writing done. I did what I usually do during a round, which is try to work out the logistics of a story in my head, as opposed to outlining everything and making things easier for myself. This is a habit that I'll probably take to my grave. But by the end of the first day I at least had a good premise.
Then the second day came.
I must've spent about three hours on my other entry, my poor gay son, "Prince Cadance." Keep in mind that as I was working on this, I didn't think I would have the time or energy to work on another entry. Frankly, I knew it wouldn't do too well, although it did end up faring decently; it certainly turned out better than what one would imagine an M/M submission would be like. I was giddy with excitement about what I'd written; I was even proud of myself.
A few more hours passed by, and at this point it must've been 1 in the morning. I found myself in the mood for sloppy seconds, if you catch my drift. I was raised a good Christian boy, and tried resisting the temptation to indulge my darkest impulses; my hands quivered in anticipation; my mind raced with horribly lewd images. But, now being the godless human that I am, I gave in easily, and started up another document in FiMFiction. Oh, the pure sin of it made my mouth water...
Anyway, I'd had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while, which truth be told is often what happens when you examine a prompt for its potential; you think about how well an old and unused story premise would line up with it. I'd wanted to write about Fleur de Lis in particular, because she's the perfect example of a vapid Canterlot bourgeois pony who might have depths of anguish and disillusionment beneath all the glitter. One of the major advantages that horse writing has over She-Ra writing is that there are many "characters" one can write about without having to fear too much about continuity. What matters is the character's design, where they live, what they (probably) do for a living, and bam, you can invent a character study with just enough of a framework to make it distinctly horse-like.
Within 90 minutes I had the whole thing started, finished, polished, and submitted. It was quick and dirty, but oddly satisfying, since I knew what I wanted to do with Fleur's character from the outset, as opposed to "Prince Cadance" where I was constantly tinkering with pacing and characterization.
And also making sure shit didn't get too gay.
Now it's time to respond to people, and why all of you are correct.
>>CoffeeMinion
The two immediate flaws you point out are the brevity of the cat scene and the questionnaire at the end. With the cat scene I would've preferred it be longer and examine Fleur's psychology more, but the word ceiling is never my friend. The questionnaire is less forgivable, since it frankly comes off as edgy, and I still can't come up with a good pretense for it. I guess I'll get rid of it, even if its absence makes the ending out to be more of an anti-climax.
>>Moosetasm
I don't know why I said "eons," it's dumb. Should've been weeks or months, probably.
>>LoftyWithers
I wasn't quite sure as to what to do with Fancy Pants, but the show doesn't know either so it's fine. I like to think that his flirtatious interactions with Fleur while in public are just for show, and that he really prefers being a bachelor. Also, I can't tell if you cringed at the questionnaire because it's rough or because it's edgy, but just know that I feel you either way.
>>_Moonshot
Much like the cat scene, the episode with Hoity Toity was meant to be longer, with Fleur's insecurity being more gradually introduced, but once again, the word ceiling is the enemy; it's especially the enemy when you're working with such a limited word count and you wanna write a lot of short scenes like I did. Fleur's anguish is largely self-imposed, although she does have some legitimate problems on her hooves: she's an immigrant in a city that will never truly accept her, she is unable to enter a satisfying relationship, and she works in an industry that quite literally treats people as objects. I suspect she would have at least a few nights where she doesn't dream so happily.
>>WritingSpirit
I'm still surprised that structurally it's not a complete mess, considering I was coming up with most of the scenes on the fly, and it didn't take me long to give up on the semblance of a linear narrative. I don't like writing linear stories so much; they make me anxious. But there's still that dilemma where I want to convey the progressive disillusionment while also keeping that freewheeling sense of a dream narrative. Some dreams are startlingly vivid, even if they lack a concrete sense of time progression; they are often defined by how you react to something in a particular moment, regardless of what may have happened before and what might happen afterward. It's a screwy idea that still needs time in the oven.
>>Flashgen
I'm glad you connected with it. The whole point is to empathize with someone whose lifestyle is perceived as totally alien by most people. You can make a rich person out to be pretty relatable; it just depends on the angle of attack. This story would be insufferable if Fleur was a clueless git who cried, "Oh woe is me, I'm so pretty and rich, but all the peasants look down on me!" She's a lot more self-aware than that, and I think that's what makes it work.
You can count on an expansion (to like 3000 words, maybe) and publication of this entry, although maybe not by tomorrow or the day after that. Gimme some time, damnit, and stay beautiful.