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Impermanent Vacation
The hoof that slammed into Cheese Sandwich’s face lit his world up with whirling colors and dizzying pain. Visions of sugarplums danced on his grave, and if it wasn’t for the shackles keeping him upright, he wouldn’t have been.
“You will tell me what you know about reaching the Amulet, Mr. Sandwich,” came the heavily accented voice of Dr. Caballeron.
Cheese half-grinned, half-grimaced, and struggled to focus on his captor. Crimson sunset streamed through cracks in the dirt-floored shack’s wooden walls, bathing his already blurry vision in deep shadows. “I already did, Dr. No-It-All!” Cheese’s words came out muffled by his bloodied muzzle, but he spat and tried again: “I’m just a humble accordionist who tried to take the scenic route to his next gig, and ended up lost in this Tartarus-hole of a jungle. I’d never even heard of an ‘Alicorn Amulet’ until you started asking!”
Caballeron scoffed. “I’m afraid I don’t believe you, Mr. Sandwich. We’re three days march from the rump-end of civilization, deep in what was once the Kingdom of Pachacutie, and a stone’s throw from the entrance to its holiest temple. Either you’re remarkably dedicated for a wanderer ‘between gigs,’ or you’ve read the same legends that I have about Pachacutie’s crown jewels, and you’ve also come to rob them from their guardian.”
“Never rob another stallion’s rhubarb,” Cheese spoke through a bloody smirk.
“You think I am joking?” Caballeron picked up a floppy and familiar figure: Boneless. “I pride myself on being reasonable, but it has not escaped me that you’ve shown a certain favoritism toward this… rubber chicken… as I’ve searched your effects for concealed information.”
Cheese’s pulse slammed to maximum as Caballeron raised a knife towards Boneless. “Wait, WAIT!” he shouted, lurching forward, straining against his shackles, his mind’s eye filled with the indescribably pink filly who’d gifted it to him so many years before. “There’s no need to be hasty!”
“So the chicken is significant. Then perhaps we may at last drop the pretense? Pachacutie’s temple will be rife with traps and dangers, but the greatest is the guardian lurking in its treasure chamber. I trust you have knowledge that can help me overcome these so I may claim the Amulet’s power?”
Cheese kept his gaze fixed on Boneless, and reflected on his calling to a life of entertainment by the angel in pink. He preferred musical comedy, not the kind of improv that this gig looked like it would call for. Yet he gulped as he watched Boneless’ silent flopping, and steeled himself to do whatever necessary to protect his one link back to her.
“Yep… guiding ponies through temples of doom is my middle name,” he lied.
After an arduous night spent sleeping in chains, Cheese was given a pickaxe at dawn and put to the grueling task of breaking through the tiered temple’s sealed stone doors. Only after he breached them did the rest of the small team of stallions take up tools as well and join him in clearing a pony-sized opening into the silent, dusty antechamber.
Halfway through traversing that chamber, one of the stallions plunged through a cleverly disguised deadfall.
“My bad,” Cheese called out, struggling to feign composure in spite of his shock at seeing—and hearing—another pony’s end.
Caballeron gripped his neck and slammed him up against a wall… which made a faint “click!” sound upon impact. Both stallions gasped and hit the deck. Within heartbeats, a whirling saw blade sliced through a groove that Cheese had assumed was just a join between two carvings. The blade repeatedly retracted and pushed back through.
“Such robust construction,” Caballeron muttered, sitting halfway up. “And to think, the mechanism driving it must’ve been coiled for six hundred years or more, waiting for this very moment.” His eyes hardened. “I have waited far too long to reach the Amulet; if another of my colleagues falls prey to a ‘your bad,’ this blade will be the last thing both you and your chicken will see!”
“They won’t!” Cheese wracked his brain for any way to salvage things. Acrobatics is a bit more in my wheelhouse… “Look, you guys are all alpha as buck, and not amazing listeners. Why don’t I go first, and you just step where I step? That way, if I mess up…” The dread of never finding her again made his throat go dry.
Caballeron nodded. “I will be watching you closely, Mr. Sandwich—especially as we near the guardian!”
“Oh boy,” Cheese grimace-smiled, wondering what kind of fun that would be…
“Giant cat!” blurted one of Caballeron’s henchponies, dropping his torch and bolting from the pitch-black, high-ceilinged chamber.
“Stop, fool!” Caballeron shouted. But Cheese watched with horror as the henchpony stepped on a pressure-plate—
He couldn’t resist smirking with irony as the henchpony’s wings were clipped by a fusillade of feathered darts.
A rumble rippled through the chamber, drawing everypony’s eyes and torches high. There among the glittering gold and precious stones stood a creature that was indeed catlike, but with massive wings and a mare-like head that grinned maliciously down at them. It was taller than ten ponies standing on each other’s heads—which Cheese could guesstimate based on a brief stint at clown college.
“Greetings, noble Sphinx,” Caballeron said in a Somnambulan dialect that Cheese had encountered and practiced to semi-fluency. “We honor your undying service to King Pachacutie, and seek the Alicorn Amulet as a boon for answering your challenge!”
The Sphinx laughed menacingly. “Very well, mortal; I would ask you a riddle: ‘I crawl, but do not walk. I fly, but do not run. What am I?’”
Cheese winced as Caballeron elbowed him. “This is your moment, Mr. Sandwich.”
He fought to keep his trembling at a minimum, and nodded, letting his mind race with possibilities. But after nearly a minute of frazzled, sweat-streaked thinking, Cheese still had zip, zero, nada. He knew he had to give an answer if he ever hoped to see her again, but nothing else fit.
“Can I…” Cheese bit his lip, and met the Sphinx’s slitted eyes. “Can I be honest?”
Caballeron bared his teeth, but the Sphinx nodded.
“None of us should take the Amulet. These mooks just want power, but all I want is…” He blushed.
“A girl,” purred the Sphinx. “The Amulet could make her yours…”
“No way José,” Cheese spat. “Consent is sexy.”
“Yet beside the point!” Caballeron shouted, brandishing his torch—
—and drawing the Sphinx’s ire in the form of two huge paws that lashed out, alternately slashing or tossing everypony but Cheese into the hall.
“Answer,” the Sphinx hissed.
“Is it…” Cheese scratched his chin. “A pegasus foal?”
The Sphinx drew back, furrowing its brow. But soon it shrugged and met Cheese’s eyes again. “I was going for ‘time,’ but that’s also a clever solution.” It tossed him a silvery, gem-inlaid amulet, which he caught in midair.
Tension flooded out of Cheese’s barrel. “Thank you, though I’ll probably just sell it. I’m not in this for power.”
“Of course not.” The Sphinx winked. “Good luck finding her, mortal… and don’t forget your chicken.”
“My—?” Cheese glanced at where the henchponies had recently been. Boneless lay upon the ground.
“Come on, old friend,” Cheese said, picking him up and hugging him. Then he glanced at the Amulet. “The road ahead is long, but Pinkie’s out there somewhere. Let’s go find a reputable merchant where we can ditch this and pick up some sponge cake and tofu-dogs to celebrate our freedom!”
“You will tell me what you know about reaching the Amulet, Mr. Sandwich,” came the heavily accented voice of Dr. Caballeron.
Cheese half-grinned, half-grimaced, and struggled to focus on his captor. Crimson sunset streamed through cracks in the dirt-floored shack’s wooden walls, bathing his already blurry vision in deep shadows. “I already did, Dr. No-It-All!” Cheese’s words came out muffled by his bloodied muzzle, but he spat and tried again: “I’m just a humble accordionist who tried to take the scenic route to his next gig, and ended up lost in this Tartarus-hole of a jungle. I’d never even heard of an ‘Alicorn Amulet’ until you started asking!”
Caballeron scoffed. “I’m afraid I don’t believe you, Mr. Sandwich. We’re three days march from the rump-end of civilization, deep in what was once the Kingdom of Pachacutie, and a stone’s throw from the entrance to its holiest temple. Either you’re remarkably dedicated for a wanderer ‘between gigs,’ or you’ve read the same legends that I have about Pachacutie’s crown jewels, and you’ve also come to rob them from their guardian.”
“Never rob another stallion’s rhubarb,” Cheese spoke through a bloody smirk.
“You think I am joking?” Caballeron picked up a floppy and familiar figure: Boneless. “I pride myself on being reasonable, but it has not escaped me that you’ve shown a certain favoritism toward this… rubber chicken… as I’ve searched your effects for concealed information.”
Cheese’s pulse slammed to maximum as Caballeron raised a knife towards Boneless. “Wait, WAIT!” he shouted, lurching forward, straining against his shackles, his mind’s eye filled with the indescribably pink filly who’d gifted it to him so many years before. “There’s no need to be hasty!”
“So the chicken is significant. Then perhaps we may at last drop the pretense? Pachacutie’s temple will be rife with traps and dangers, but the greatest is the guardian lurking in its treasure chamber. I trust you have knowledge that can help me overcome these so I may claim the Amulet’s power?”
Cheese kept his gaze fixed on Boneless, and reflected on his calling to a life of entertainment by the angel in pink. He preferred musical comedy, not the kind of improv that this gig looked like it would call for. Yet he gulped as he watched Boneless’ silent flopping, and steeled himself to do whatever necessary to protect his one link back to her.
“Yep… guiding ponies through temples of doom is my middle name,” he lied.
After an arduous night spent sleeping in chains, Cheese was given a pickaxe at dawn and put to the grueling task of breaking through the tiered temple’s sealed stone doors. Only after he breached them did the rest of the small team of stallions take up tools as well and join him in clearing a pony-sized opening into the silent, dusty antechamber.
Halfway through traversing that chamber, one of the stallions plunged through a cleverly disguised deadfall.
“My bad,” Cheese called out, struggling to feign composure in spite of his shock at seeing—and hearing—another pony’s end.
Caballeron gripped his neck and slammed him up against a wall… which made a faint “click!” sound upon impact. Both stallions gasped and hit the deck. Within heartbeats, a whirling saw blade sliced through a groove that Cheese had assumed was just a join between two carvings. The blade repeatedly retracted and pushed back through.
“Such robust construction,” Caballeron muttered, sitting halfway up. “And to think, the mechanism driving it must’ve been coiled for six hundred years or more, waiting for this very moment.” His eyes hardened. “I have waited far too long to reach the Amulet; if another of my colleagues falls prey to a ‘your bad,’ this blade will be the last thing both you and your chicken will see!”
“They won’t!” Cheese wracked his brain for any way to salvage things. Acrobatics is a bit more in my wheelhouse… “Look, you guys are all alpha as buck, and not amazing listeners. Why don’t I go first, and you just step where I step? That way, if I mess up…” The dread of never finding her again made his throat go dry.
Caballeron nodded. “I will be watching you closely, Mr. Sandwich—especially as we near the guardian!”
“Oh boy,” Cheese grimace-smiled, wondering what kind of fun that would be…
“Giant cat!” blurted one of Caballeron’s henchponies, dropping his torch and bolting from the pitch-black, high-ceilinged chamber.
“Stop, fool!” Caballeron shouted. But Cheese watched with horror as the henchpony stepped on a pressure-plate—
He couldn’t resist smirking with irony as the henchpony’s wings were clipped by a fusillade of feathered darts.
A rumble rippled through the chamber, drawing everypony’s eyes and torches high. There among the glittering gold and precious stones stood a creature that was indeed catlike, but with massive wings and a mare-like head that grinned maliciously down at them. It was taller than ten ponies standing on each other’s heads—which Cheese could guesstimate based on a brief stint at clown college.
“Greetings, noble Sphinx,” Caballeron said in a Somnambulan dialect that Cheese had encountered and practiced to semi-fluency. “We honor your undying service to King Pachacutie, and seek the Alicorn Amulet as a boon for answering your challenge!”
The Sphinx laughed menacingly. “Very well, mortal; I would ask you a riddle: ‘I crawl, but do not walk. I fly, but do not run. What am I?’”
Cheese winced as Caballeron elbowed him. “This is your moment, Mr. Sandwich.”
He fought to keep his trembling at a minimum, and nodded, letting his mind race with possibilities. But after nearly a minute of frazzled, sweat-streaked thinking, Cheese still had zip, zero, nada. He knew he had to give an answer if he ever hoped to see her again, but nothing else fit.
“Can I…” Cheese bit his lip, and met the Sphinx’s slitted eyes. “Can I be honest?”
Caballeron bared his teeth, but the Sphinx nodded.
“None of us should take the Amulet. These mooks just want power, but all I want is…” He blushed.
“A girl,” purred the Sphinx. “The Amulet could make her yours…”
“No way José,” Cheese spat. “Consent is sexy.”
“Yet beside the point!” Caballeron shouted, brandishing his torch—
—and drawing the Sphinx’s ire in the form of two huge paws that lashed out, alternately slashing or tossing everypony but Cheese into the hall.
“Answer,” the Sphinx hissed.
“Is it…” Cheese scratched his chin. “A pegasus foal?”
The Sphinx drew back, furrowing its brow. But soon it shrugged and met Cheese’s eyes again. “I was going for ‘time,’ but that’s also a clever solution.” It tossed him a silvery, gem-inlaid amulet, which he caught in midair.
Tension flooded out of Cheese’s barrel. “Thank you, though I’ll probably just sell it. I’m not in this for power.”
“Of course not.” The Sphinx winked. “Good luck finding her, mortal… and don’t forget your chicken.”
“My—?” Cheese glanced at where the henchponies had recently been. Boneless lay upon the ground.
“Come on, old friend,” Cheese said, picking him up and hugging him. Then he glanced at the Amulet. “The road ahead is long, but Pinkie’s out there somewhere. Let’s go find a reputable merchant where we can ditch this and pick up some sponge cake and tofu-dogs to celebrate our freedom!”
Pics
The "Consent is sexy" line made my inner hyena come to the surface.
Something I liked:
who knew that the most exciting Daring Do story would not involve Daring Do herself? Cheese Sandwich, my old friend; you might just be Weird Al on four legs, but you mean so much to us all. Kinda goes without saying that Cheese's writing is on-point here, and even though this is very much a dramatic story, the few jokes he got in landed for me. Reading this entry the first time around was kind of off-putting (for reasons I'll explain soon), but the second time around I feel like I understand what Cheese is looking for and why he's going through all this. A lovely adventure story, no doubt.
Something I didn't like:
God knows why, but the story feels it necessary to be really coy about the fact that Cheese is looking for Pinkie Pie. Apparently something happened to her in such a way that Cheese is unable to contact her, and doing some Daring Do shenanigans will help him... find her somehow? It seems to be like a twist, except we already get the impression early on that Pinkie is the "her" at the center of this plot; the story, unfortunately, is not being honest with me here. I don't like it when stories feel the need to hide things that have no reason to be hidden.
Verdict: Fond of this entry, but there's something missing about it. Would love to see some expansion, but not that much.
Something I liked:
who knew that the most exciting Daring Do story would not involve Daring Do herself? Cheese Sandwich, my old friend; you might just be Weird Al on four legs, but you mean so much to us all. Kinda goes without saying that Cheese's writing is on-point here, and even though this is very much a dramatic story, the few jokes he got in landed for me. Reading this entry the first time around was kind of off-putting (for reasons I'll explain soon), but the second time around I feel like I understand what Cheese is looking for and why he's going through all this. A lovely adventure story, no doubt.
Something I didn't like:
God knows why, but the story feels it necessary to be really coy about the fact that Cheese is looking for Pinkie Pie. Apparently something happened to her in such a way that Cheese is unable to contact her, and doing some Daring Do shenanigans will help him... find her somehow? It seems to be like a twist, except we already get the impression early on that Pinkie is the "her" at the center of this plot; the story, unfortunately, is not being honest with me here. I don't like it when stories feel the need to hide things that have no reason to be hidden.
Verdict: Fond of this entry, but there's something missing about it. Would love to see some expansion, but not that much.
Genre: Welcome To The Jungle
Thoughts: So before I dig in here, I note that my colleague >>No_Raisin has presented a thought that could significantly sway one’s interpretation of Cheese’s underlying quest. Personally, I didn’t read this as Cheese being out to rescue Pinkie from unspecified peril; I read this more as Cheese’s wanderings in search of her prior to Pinkie Pride. Though the story makes a big enough deal of this that I can’t be sure now. Didn’t he know she was in Ponyville all along? In which case, why the quest?
Author, I would fact-check this and/or try to present it more clearly either way, because that leads to two very different readings of the conclusion.
However, that issue aside, the rest of this story strikes me as capital-G Good. It’s difficult to write a satisfying adventure story in so few words, but this manages to deliver that while maintaining good pacing for the most part—though the third scene did start to feel a bit crammed by the word limit towards the end. This is where a little bit more clarity about Cheese’s goals and situation would go a long way to help make the short dialogue between Cheese and the Sphinx carry more meaning. But you could also potentially fix this by just extending the dialogue there.
Here’s the thing... based on the rest of the story, this is a potential Top Contender that suffers from a single really big flaw. The balance of humor, action, and a little bit of darkness, was all solidly delivered. Assuming this is actually set in an early-seasons timeframe, I like this as the secret history of how the Alicorn Amulet got out to a random shop where Trixie later bought it. So I hesitate to stick this in my Almost There tier, as it fundamentally works.
Author, clean this sucker up a little and it should do great on FImFiction.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: So before I dig in here, I note that my colleague >>No_Raisin has presented a thought that could significantly sway one’s interpretation of Cheese’s underlying quest. Personally, I didn’t read this as Cheese being out to rescue Pinkie from unspecified peril; I read this more as Cheese’s wanderings in search of her prior to Pinkie Pride. Though the story makes a big enough deal of this that I can’t be sure now. Didn’t he know she was in Ponyville all along? In which case, why the quest?
Author, I would fact-check this and/or try to present it more clearly either way, because that leads to two very different readings of the conclusion.
However, that issue aside, the rest of this story strikes me as capital-G Good. It’s difficult to write a satisfying adventure story in so few words, but this manages to deliver that while maintaining good pacing for the most part—though the third scene did start to feel a bit crammed by the word limit towards the end. This is where a little bit more clarity about Cheese’s goals and situation would go a long way to help make the short dialogue between Cheese and the Sphinx carry more meaning. But you could also potentially fix this by just extending the dialogue there.
Here’s the thing... based on the rest of the story, this is a potential Top Contender that suffers from a single really big flaw. The balance of humor, action, and a little bit of darkness, was all solidly delivered. Assuming this is actually set in an early-seasons timeframe, I like this as the secret history of how the Alicorn Amulet got out to a random shop where Trixie later bought it. So I hesitate to stick this in my Almost There tier, as it fundamentally works.
Author, clean this sucker up a little and it should do great on FImFiction.
Tier: Strong
The hoof that slammed into Cheese Sandwich’s face lit his world up with whirling colors and dizzying pain.
Good start. Right into the action. An extended metaphor that tied in the artifact/jungle/temple/missing-romance theme could improve it. Not necessarily all of them.
He couldn’t resist smirking with irony as the henchpony’s wings were clipped by a fusillade of feathered darts.
Your prose is pretty tight, but you could ditch a few words, like ”with irony” in this example. Calling out irony feels like failure to me. Irony needs to be self-evident. Alternatively, your characters instead of narrator can claim irony, and then use reaction to the claim for adding context.
Let’s go find a reputable merchant where we can ditch this and pick up some sponge cake and tofu-dogs to celebrate our freedom
Perfect. In-character dialogue. Denouement. Hook for next chapter/story/episode.
“Never rob another stallion’s rhubarb,”
Excuse me, have you ever danced with devils food cake in the pale moonlight?
Oh, so Cheese is responsible for that particular episode. Well written, and very... cheesy.
The good news is that this was my favorite by far after a first read! Now that I'm going through it a second time, I'll try to point things out when I see them, but my hopes remain high :)
First, the hook is great. I'm immediately immersed, and things flow incredibly naturally. It takes everything I like about Daring Do, pumps it up, and throws in a unique character to boot, which I really appreciate. The first scene has the right amount of funny.
So this gets pretty dark rather quickly, and I can understand why some people might dislike that. I think maybe Cheese Sandwich's shock at seeing other ponies die could be communicated a little better in order to reflect that. Later, I especially didn't understand why he smirked as another pony dies. The dialogue remains really high quality, though. The one issue I had with it is the "alpha as buck" part, which I felt wasn't really needed. Very, very minor nitpicky thing -- some of the words here feel a little offbeat (for ex: "indescribably", "ceilinged", and "guesstimate", which I'm okay with but which my sibling really despises), although this didn't detract from the story. The scene with the Sphinx is probably my favorite, and yes the "consent is sexy" line is wonderful. I also loved Cheese's answer, and the Sphinx's response left me so satisfied.
With that all being said, there's one issue I think could've been worked out a little better. The first is that it took me a while before I realized it was set before Cheese met Pinkie. I think it was a little strange how he referred to Pinkie as well, and I would've liked to see some more elaboration on ther relationship at this point in order to make it feel a little less forced. Finally, it does work for the sake of comedy, but I do wonder how Caballeron picked up on Cheese's attraction to Boneless, and why he even came up with the idea of threatening a rubber chicken with a knife in the first place.
All in all though, a really solid story. Thanks for the entry, anon!
First, the hook is great. I'm immediately immersed, and things flow incredibly naturally. It takes everything I like about Daring Do, pumps it up, and throws in a unique character to boot, which I really appreciate. The first scene has the right amount of funny.
So this gets pretty dark rather quickly, and I can understand why some people might dislike that. I think maybe Cheese Sandwich's shock at seeing other ponies die could be communicated a little better in order to reflect that. Later, I especially didn't understand why he smirked as another pony dies. The dialogue remains really high quality, though. The one issue I had with it is the "alpha as buck" part, which I felt wasn't really needed. Very, very minor nitpicky thing -- some of the words here feel a little offbeat (for ex: "indescribably", "ceilinged", and "guesstimate", which I'm okay with but which my sibling really despises), although this didn't detract from the story. The scene with the Sphinx is probably my favorite, and yes the "consent is sexy" line is wonderful. I also loved Cheese's answer, and the Sphinx's response left me so satisfied.
With that all being said, there's one issue I think could've been worked out a little better. The first is that it took me a while before I realized it was set before Cheese met Pinkie. I think it was a little strange how he referred to Pinkie as well, and I would've liked to see some more elaboration on ther relationship at this point in order to make it feel a little less forced. Finally, it does work for the sake of comedy, but I do wonder how Caballeron picked up on Cheese's attraction to Boneless, and why he even came up with the idea of threatening a rubber chicken with a knife in the first place.
All in all though, a really solid story. Thanks for the entry, anon!
I think this had a great hook, and it held my attention throughout with some good comedy and a little bit of action. Cheese's voice works well in the prose, with a lot of decent jokes and puns in it and the dialogue, and the pacing avoids it from dragging fairly well. That said, maybe a little bit of expansion between the initial scene and the contact with the sphinx could help, and allow for some potential humor. Maybe a puzzle that needs to be solved, besides just traps?
Overall, a really enjoyable tale with two characters that I didn't think I'd ever see interact.
Overall, a really enjoyable tale with two characters that I didn't think I'd ever see interact.
Impermanent Retrospective
Before I dig into this, I want to take a moment to thank everyone who participated in the contest--whether or not you read this, commented on it, et cetera. I’ve long felt that a word limit in this range would open up good possibilities for authors who enjoy writing short but who are frustrated by the current Minific limits. You guys proved me right!
On that note, this story grew out of one of my recurring pet peeves with the Minific word limit: you can’t write an adventure story in 750 words. Or at least I can’t. That doesn’t mean my instincts and desires don’t keep skewing in that direction, though; it seems like I inevitably gravitate toward adventure during Mini rounds, which leaves me with the choice of cranking out something “fun but flawed,” or slogging through something smaller and more personal that actually works in 750 words.
So I knew going into this that I wanted to try writing a short adventure.
What I didn’t know was that Cheese would be waiting for me.
I’ve written one other story involving Cheese Sandwich. It was a dark AU story where Cheese is one part Weird Al, three parts The Joker, and by far the most twisted character I’ve put on the page. Some of you noted that the Cheese in this story is a bit dark at times; where that came from was the same basic characterization as in the other story, just filtered through a much less broken world. In this, his affection for Pinkie shows through in strange and almost worshipful terms… yet at the same time, he’s not being very focused in his quest to find her. Chalk it up to him being a good guy at heart, but with a lot of self-doubt, a mild tendency to laugh at things that others find disturbing, and a very definite breaking point.
Caballeron could beat Cheese up all day and Cheese wouldn’t take it personally. But if Caballeron had actually cut Boneless…
*shudder*
>>No_Raisin
The “consent is sexy” line was a very last-minute thing that came out as I was tweaking Cheese’s response to the Sphinx’s temptation. I originally had him saying something more flowery, but I needed to shave a few words off--and it dawned on me that changing it to this was bound to get some kind of reaction.
>>CoffeeMinion
For what it’s worth--and I know this is going to sound self-indulgent--I honestly feel this was a good fic that competed strongly against a good field. And it’s a tremendous thrill to get my second medal evar for it! This has a few flaws, but I’m not planning to change much before I post it.
>>LoftyWithers
I appreciate the notes here. Thank you!
>>Moosetasm
Excuse me, have you ever danced with devils food cake in the pale moonlight?
Have I toooold… you latelyyyyy… that I loooove yooooo... :-p
>>_Moonshot
Good thoughts. I definitely took some liberties with word choice, though part of that was motivated by my struggle with the word count. While I hoped that people would take this opportunity to write Minifics that didn’t have to work so hard to cut words at the end… I actually ran afoul of my same old classic problem of having to cut off ~200 words when I was done with my first draft. (YES ROGER YOU WERE RIGHT BUT 200 IS A MUCH SMALLER PERCENTAGE OF 1250 THAN 750 SO BOO ON YOU!!
That’s also why it wasn’t clearer that this was set before Cheese reconnected with Pinkie in S4. But part of the decision to skip that came from some feedback I got on the original Writeoff version of Bra Quest! In that, I shoehorned Limestone’s age into the first paragraph because I needed to establish it somewhere, otherwise things might get confusing soon after. But people pretty much just said that was something I’d be better off establishing in the story’s long description on FimFiction. So again, being in the situation where I was low on word count here, I decided to go light on that establishing information and trust in the material & my future ability to clear that up when it gets published.
It was a calculated risk, but I think it was the right one.
>>Flashgen
Thanks much! And I love putting characters together who might never otherwise get to interact. I like your thoughts about expansion, and I’ll consider them seriously. I’ve also got a small amount of cut content from the very first over-long draft (which I saved!) that should help make things breathe easier.
And that’s all, folks! Thanks for reading, thanks for the medal, and I hope to send more fic your way soon!