Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

The Morning After · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Favor Those Who Hold the Fire
Something fell to the floor; one heavy crash followed by five thuds that rang like stone striking stone. She fell too. She was bleeding badly, the burnt-skin smell acrid in each breath, but darkness came as the world wobbled around her like a porcelain vase about to topple…




“Your highness?”

She woke, and realized she was waking, and wild hope surged. It was a dream, let it all be a dream, I’d forgive you any nightmare if I could just hold you now– but she was in a shattered throne room dimly lit by torchlight, and a pedestal bore six colorless lumps of stone, cold as corpses to her magical sense. She was on silken bedding; she saw the stitches running up her left foreleg and ointment on the red patches of skin with hair burnt away, but she had not been moved from where she had fallen. A hole in the ceiling showed scattered stars in wild disorder, and most of the moon, and… her sister’s face, that dear sweet face burned into the sky like an epitaph. Her throat tightened against her breath and she squeezed her aching eyes shut again.

“Your highness? I am so sorry, please forgive us, we would not disturb you if we had any choice…” It was her unicorn seneschal. “We tried over and over to raise the Sun; we have failed. It does not respond to us. It does not… seem to want to respond.”

“How long?” she croaked in a voice of ashes.

“Three days by the tower clock, your highness. We could not bear to disturb your rest, but the plants are wilting, the winds unresponsive to the pegasi. We need you.”

She allowed them to insult her grief by coaxing her upright, and escorting her to the grand tower. She mounted the steps slowly, supporters fore and aft. When she reached the parapet, she heard the intake of breath from the assembled crowd, then a cheer. A cheer that ground her heart to powder. She winced, and her seneschal motioned for the crowd to be silent.

She sought within herself for the power. She had lost so much, now that the Elements were silent and dead to her. Would the Sun spurn her likewise?

But first the Moon had to descend. It fought her; it did not want to leave the sky. She wanted to kneel and beg it to go, to release its distant prisoner, to roll backward through the sky and undo the days and make everything a might-have-been, with one more chance to avoid it all… She pushed with more force then she could spare, then there was a hint of movement, and the orb and its frozen face were sliding down the sky and under the earth like a burial (no no not that no) and now the sky was clear and dark.

She reached out to the sun, but it was heavy, and her love was a sad sundered thing that could not speak to it as before. As she strained in despair, she saw the faces in the crowd; they were expectant, tense, hopeful, their concern for her as one with their need for crop rotation schedules and paperwork and other ephemeralities. For their sake, she had ripped her soul in half and banished one side from the world. And they had probably rejoiced when they heard the news.

Ah, now that was a fruitful conduit; along with her anger grew the spark of connection. She could envision the golden glow at the horizon, their silly cheers and their revolting celebration at the resumption of natural order, then their stunned incomprehension and growing horror as the fiery sphere descended upon them, as the flames wiped them and their troubles away forever, and cleansed the ground, and relieved her pain. Is this how it felt for you, my beloved sister? Is this what gave you such power that it ruined me to resist you?

As she thought, the great sphere responded to her ire, and in a glorious red rush, it ascended almost eagerly to inflame the sky. The fools below started to dance and shout. Wearing a glassy smile, she held the Sun there, hanging over their heads, perfectly within her command, as their stupid happy faces wept and beamed up at her from below. If they didn’t stop cheering soon, that might decide it.

And a small cool part of her took comfort and courage.

For it was still a choice.
« Prev   32   Next »
#1 · 2
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I admire what this story is trying to do, but I suspect the others may not appreciate it as much as I. The premise itself is not something special or new, and in fact, I've written (not in this competition) on the very same thing. I believe others have written on this topic as well. Nonetheless, I think this piece highlights the complexities of grief that most people fail to acknowledge. Grief can change a person, make them hard, resentful, unpleasant, angry, cold, self-destructive or arrogant.

The relief of this piece is that in the end, these feelings of bitterness and self-destruction are not the absolute deciders of what we do. The statement is fairly clear that there is no shame in these dark feelings or have temptations of power, but they should not escape our minds. The narrative doesn't scold Celestia for having these fleeting fantasies of cruelties. I can appreciate that maturity.

Although, I think the attitude Celestia does is a bit overplayed. The author showed a lot of restraint in here, but there are some choice sentences "such as the line about 'fools'" or the direct thoughts about Luna when Celestia wakes up that I'd choose to omit simply because it seems overzealous and exaggerated for the moment.

The construction of the prose here is interesting too, although I think there is a bit of an overuse of the ellipsis for dramatic pausing and italics for emphasis (only twice, but still). The author is indulging experimenting with their vocabulary a bit too much. Some minor technical issues with spacing and punctuation, but nothing that is a deal-breaker.

As a piece meant to capture a specific emotion rather than create any sort of real plot, I think it does well.
#2 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
Cassius makes some excellent points about the complexities of grief, especially when its fresh. Still, this strikes a rather worrisome tone with Celestia pulling from the same poisoned well that led to Nightmare Moon. On the other hand, that I feel enough for her to feel concerned for her continued well-being definitely speaks to the quality of the prose. Nicely done, if disconcerting. If that was your goal, congratulations on achieving it.
#3 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I liked this one despite having some issues with some of the wording.

Grief is a powerful force, and being forced to act by one's duties while one is mourning is a painful source of conflict. The theme you have chosen is a touching one indeed.

Now, my issues with some of the wording stems probably more from the idea of Celestia I have than from any kind of technical criticism. The spite we can hear from some of the phrasing seems a bit out of place. I could understand pain, desperation and hopelessness, but despising her ponies is something hard to swallow if you don't explain it somehow, which would be hard considering the word-limit.

Still, interesting and we'll written.
#4 · 1
· · >>Posh >>GroaningGreyAgony
There's a strong conflict between Celestia's duty and immediate feelings of "to hell with all of it" that I dig. It's not a side of her we get to see often but it makes sense given the situation, even if she feels a hair too willing to commit genocide for the sake of peaceful mourning.

Still, a great read.
#5 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Rao I think it's believable. Not that she would do it, but that she would be compelled to by the immediacy of her grief. The wound's still open, and her people are pouring big ol' heaps of salt into it by reminding her that she did something she's incapable of forgiving herself for. I could see that bringing out some destructive impulses, especially in a god-like being who just got through laying a smack-down on another god-like being for giving in to her own destructive impulses.

This is a very good character piece, and it comes as one of many character pieces written either about, or from the perspective of, Celestia. While I don't like to compare entries directly, I gotta say that this one probably nails Celestia better than any of the others I've read so far. Her thoughts and actions aren't quite the Celly we know and love, it's true, but this story effectively contextualizes her grief as a response to something world-shattering, better than the other Celestia pieces written for this prompt do.

If I were just going to rank the Celestia pieces I've read so far, I'd have to put this one at the very top. As it is, it's definitely a top contender to me.
#6 · 1
· · >>Morning Sun >>GroaningGreyAgony
This is good, but it leaves something very important unanswered.

The Elements weren't ruined when they were used against Luna, and Celestia didn't regard them with this kind of emotion. It seems like Celestia is more concerned about the Elements than her sister, which leads me to suspect that your intent was that it wasn't the Elements that were destroyed, but the Mane 6 who ended up travelling back to the past.

There's at least one very famous fic about this happening, but even if I hadn't read the fic your descriptions are so emotional (and the reference to "graves") I have to believe that's the case.

If that's true, I'm not sure if this is the original defeat of NMM, or a third defeat later on.

Also, canonically speaking, I'm pretty sure The Castle of the Two Sisters was abandoned for Canterlot long before the Sisters fought there. This lends weight to the idea that this wasn't the original fight.

Either you need to be more explicit about what's going on, or you need to explain what all the emotion and references to death are about. If there's no hidden subtext here, I can't understand all the allusion—I mean it starts with the very first sentence. In spades.

EDIT: In case y'all still can't see it: one specific, particular one crashing to the ground, followed by five others? Hmmmm?
#7 ·
·
Yeah, after a second read, even though none of the other commenters seem to be seeing what I'm seeing, I cannot believe this is simply an after-NMM-original-defeat story. This must involve the Mane 6 dying or else the author managed to accidentally send dozens of clues to that effect.
#8 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I think you're coming on a bit too hard and fast with the grief here; not that it's irreconcilable to Celestia's character, but that you need to introduce it a bit more slowly so the audience doesn't have a knee-jerk 'this is wrong' reaction.

When I got to the 'allowed them to insult her grief' line, my thought was 'wow, what an ass', because although I can understand someone irrationally thinking that, anyone rational will realize that wallowing in emotion is a horrific reason for killing everyone and everything on the planet, and that desperate people are simply trying to survive, not intentionally insult anything at all.

I did get back into the flow of the story, and the ending worked for me, but that line significantly dissipated the amount of impact it had, I think, because it jerked me out of the flow so hard.

Just build up a bit slower, I think, and this would work much better for me.
#9 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
A strong character study, though some of the phrasing and vocabulary choices felt stilted and awkward, making me pause here and there as I read. Celestia's character is also pretty well done, but likewise has a few flaws that seem out of place. She gets too specific with her insults for the populace, rather than hating what she feels inside, it turns outward, with hate towards others a tad too easily, then swings back inwards. I'd suggest the emotional ride needs to be smoother, and less of a see-saw. Still though, a lovely take on something sad and powerful.
#10 · 1
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
The Great

An (I assume) uncommon approach to Celestia's grief that is well realized.

The Rough

Let's start with something petty. Why was she not moved from where she fell? That's just hella weird to me.

I think this treads dangerously close to melodrama territory. While I can appreciate the emotion that's going on here, it just doesn't quite work for me because of how absolutely extreme it is. I think Not A Hat nailed it it with the "insult her grief" line. While it isn't... unreal, per se, it irritates and feels really petulant. Similarly, I think the last couple lines carry it on too strong as well.
#11 ·
· · >>Trick_Question >>GroaningGreyAgony
One issue I have with this story is that it's unclear what's going on and when is this happening. The "six colorless lumps of stone" suggest the death of the Mane Six.

But then you mention the moon and the face in it, and this suggests that this is (yet another) banishment aftermath story -- I have some vague idea that the "six lumps" are the six Element Bearers from a millenium ago; presumably, they've either sided with Nightmare Moon, or they stood against her and paid for it dearly.

Or maybe Luna has been corrupted and banished again, in the modern era, and the lumps are indeed the former Mane Six. But we're given no clear idea what actually happened. (Trick_Question drew my attention to the initial sentence, with one heavy crash contrasted with five smaller ones. A fully grown princess Twilight and her friends?)

...That said. I love this story. It's written so damn well that I'm willing to overlook the too-tantalizing hints of a deeper, unexplained story. I love the occasional dip into Celestia's desperate thoughts. The two-sentence ending is unfortunately weak, but not much more could be done within the word limit without crippling the brilliant prose above.
#12 · 2
· · >>JudgeDeadd
>>JudgeDeadd
I originally thought that, but I just figured something out.

I think the author was referring to the stone forms of the EoH from s01e02.

Technically, we don't know when the EoH turned to stone, but in s01e02 five of the Elements were stone spheres and the sixth was missing. I don't think it happened immediately after Luna's banishment, because when Luna's banishment was shown on the show, the EoH remained intact afterwards (I believe). But I think that's the idea the author is going with here, and it's not a huge stretch from canon.

It's just a little odd that Celestia seems to be showing so much emotion for the Elements. I suspect the emotion is intended to only be toward Luna, and perhaps a bit toward the cost of the sacrifice.

So, no. At the moment, I'm fairly certain the author did not mean to imply that the Mane 6 died.
#13 · 3
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony >>GroaningGreyAgony
This is awesome. The prose is superb, flows and sings in my ears like crystal clear waters from a small mountain spring over mossy pebbles.

And your Celestia is exactly how I imagine her myself.

I wish I had written this. Simply.

Definity atop my slate. Out and away.

(Horizon, is that you?)
#14 ·
·
>>Trick_Question
Ah. I didn't at all remember that detail (it's been years since I watched S1E1-E2), so I was confused.
#15 · 2
· · >>GroaningGreyAgony
I read this as well and I give it high praise. I feel the urge to dock it slightly for originality of topic, but its depiction of the dark side of Celestia's grief is powerful. The main thing I think would strengthen it is continuing it past this moment; there's bound to be a compelling journey along Celestia's path to recovery, and I would like to read it. The emotional punch is somewhat blunted by not getting to see more of that resolution.

Tier: Strong
#16 ·
· · >>Monokeras
>>Trick_Question

Celestia hitting the floor herself, then the now-inert elements. There's your six.
#17 ·
·
>>Morning Sun
Celestia deep-sixed the elements.
#18 ·
·
I’m sorry again for the delay. Thanks to all who commented!

This piece started, appropriately, with a morning burst of inspiration. I was sure the general topic had been done, but I thought I might feel my way into an interesting angle. I was at first hoping to leave it completely ambiguous as to whether she let her rage get the better of her. I decided it went better with a little quiet note of hope at the end

The lumps of stone are in fact supposed to be what would eventually become the S1E2 elements. I have perhaps been influenced by fanon in which one reason Celestia chooses Twilight and Co. to wield the elements is that she herself can’t touch them anymore; the enormity of her act, necessary though it was, offended them or broke her connection with them, though this was perhaps ameliorated when they were used to redeem Luna. I’ll try to clean things up in editing.

>>Cassius
I wasn’t sure about the “fools” line, but in limited space couldn’t find an alternative. This thing is just a little too large for its straightjacket and I will be correcting some issues when I put it on FIM.

>>FanOfMostEverything
I can’t say I had quite that goal in mind. The main part of it came forth without much conscious processing. I’m glad it still connected with you.

>>Orbiting_kettle
I intend to either tone down or justify in editing.

>>Rao
I’m glad you liked it.

>>Posh
Thank you!

>>Trick_Question
>>JudgeDeadd
if I may PM you, I’d like to get your help in resolving the ambiguity in the final version

>>Not_A_Hat
I did have to leave out a few things that might have smoothed the way. I will try to reintroduce them.

>>Xepher
As mentioned, I’ll work on her language. Thanks!

>>AndrewRogue
My authorial reason for not moving her is so she can reawaken at the scene of the event and see instantly the result of what she did, which saves some exposition. I meant to justify it by having her doctors think she shouldn’t be moved, but I lacked the space to to convey this elegantly.

>>Monokeras
Thank you for your flattery, both explicit and implied.

>>CoffeeMinion
I’m not sure I want to continue it past its present end, but I will consider it. Thanks!


Thanks to all again! I hope the story gave you some heliopause for reflection.