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After A Wild Night
Orchard Blossom heard a low, deep moan just behind her, and felt small hooves running against her side and in her long, blonde mane. She turned her head, and saw him nestled against her back. It was nice.
She craned her head to look outside. The horizon was glowing orange. "Oh, my stars and garters," she said in surprise. "Hun, wake up."
He mumbled something about needing five more minutes, but it was nearly completely unintelligible.
"Hun," Orchard said louder. "It's almost morning."
He finally blinked away. His eyes looked at his groggily. They held their stare for a moment, and then he smiled. "Good morning, honey."
Orchard couldn't help but smile. "Mornin' sugarcube. It's time to get in the bath, okay?"
He chuckled. "Are you looking to have some fun already?"
Orchard blushed. His deep voice echoed through her body."Oh you, always knowing what to say to get a mare all fired up!" She wrapped him in her big, strong forelegs, and they nuzzled one another. "But seriously, you gotta take care of your animals, right?"
He nodded. "Of course. Let me just..." He kicked the covers off of him and rolled out of bed. "It would be awkward if anypony caught us like this, you know?"
"Indeed." Orchard rolled out of bed as well, her undergarments shifting on her body as she did so. "Go on, girl, I'll catch up."
"Oh, right!" He blushed, and with soft hoofsteps took himself out of the room.
Orchard waited until she heard water running in the bathroom before getting to work. The first step was to remove the undergarments. It was a struggle, as she hadn't worn them often before. Eventually, she was able to pull herself out of them. She stuffed them with the dress and shoes she had worn last night on their date, and all of it was stored deep in her closet.
The water stopped. It was time to join her. With hoofsteps as soft as she could muster—which wasn't very soft—she slipped into the bathroom. He was already in the bath, the scent of herbs wafting throughout.
"Ah," he sighed, relaxing into the waters. "That was some night."
She smiled. "Yes, it was."
"I never thought I could do those sorts of things!" He looked at her enthusiastically. "Dancing in public—"
"My mare, you were shaking your groove thing!"
"You were pretty light on your hooves, for such a big guy," he said, his voice rising a pinch.
Orchard looked at him in the reflection of the mirror; it was time to work on herself. "I never thought I could ice skate, but seeing you do it, I just had to give it a try!"
"And you did well."
She huffed. "If you count falling over a bunch of times 'doing well.'" She removed her wig, and the bountiful blonde wig yielded a short orange mane.
"But you eventually got it." His voice was no longer that deep resonating bass; it was now a reassuring tenor. He began rubbing her hooves together. "I mean, at least I thought so."
Orchard looked at her, figuring her old self was returning some. "Thank you," was all she could muster saying as she took a washcloth and wiped her make-up away. Now, besides the luscious eyelashes, she was a stallion.
"And sleeping with you, even though we didn't do anything, was..." His voice was now simply a mare's. "Nice."
The eyelashes were plucked off and stored in a stallion's care bag. Orchard Blossom was now Big Macintosh. "Eeyup."
Neither could stop blushing. She coughed, her voice now changed completely. Flutterguy was now Fluttershy.
"Um... Yeah. Nice."
"Eeyup."
They both finished up and disposed of all of the evidence. The sun was now a quarter of the way over the mountains as the two made their way down the stairs and out the front door. They lingered there, both blushing, both waiting for the other to say something.
"Um..."
"Eeyup."
"..."
"...Would you like to do this again?"
Big Macintosh had proposed it first. Fluttershy couldn't contain her smile.
"Oh, yes, I would love to do this again!"
He grinned. They continued lingering before Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Well, I should be off to take care of my animals. I hope they weren't too worried about me."
"Eeyup," was the simple reply.
Slowly, they came together for a hug.
"See you later."
"Eeyup."
His deep voice made her eep!, and she quietly cantered away. He silently watcher her go.
She craned her head to look outside. The horizon was glowing orange. "Oh, my stars and garters," she said in surprise. "Hun, wake up."
He mumbled something about needing five more minutes, but it was nearly completely unintelligible.
"Hun," Orchard said louder. "It's almost morning."
He finally blinked away. His eyes looked at his groggily. They held their stare for a moment, and then he smiled. "Good morning, honey."
Orchard couldn't help but smile. "Mornin' sugarcube. It's time to get in the bath, okay?"
He chuckled. "Are you looking to have some fun already?"
Orchard blushed. His deep voice echoed through her body."Oh you, always knowing what to say to get a mare all fired up!" She wrapped him in her big, strong forelegs, and they nuzzled one another. "But seriously, you gotta take care of your animals, right?"
He nodded. "Of course. Let me just..." He kicked the covers off of him and rolled out of bed. "It would be awkward if anypony caught us like this, you know?"
"Indeed." Orchard rolled out of bed as well, her undergarments shifting on her body as she did so. "Go on, girl, I'll catch up."
"Oh, right!" He blushed, and with soft hoofsteps took himself out of the room.
Orchard waited until she heard water running in the bathroom before getting to work. The first step was to remove the undergarments. It was a struggle, as she hadn't worn them often before. Eventually, she was able to pull herself out of them. She stuffed them with the dress and shoes she had worn last night on their date, and all of it was stored deep in her closet.
The water stopped. It was time to join her. With hoofsteps as soft as she could muster—which wasn't very soft—she slipped into the bathroom. He was already in the bath, the scent of herbs wafting throughout.
"Ah," he sighed, relaxing into the waters. "That was some night."
She smiled. "Yes, it was."
"I never thought I could do those sorts of things!" He looked at her enthusiastically. "Dancing in public—"
"My mare, you were shaking your groove thing!"
"You were pretty light on your hooves, for such a big guy," he said, his voice rising a pinch.
Orchard looked at him in the reflection of the mirror; it was time to work on herself. "I never thought I could ice skate, but seeing you do it, I just had to give it a try!"
"And you did well."
She huffed. "If you count falling over a bunch of times 'doing well.'" She removed her wig, and the bountiful blonde wig yielded a short orange mane.
"But you eventually got it." His voice was no longer that deep resonating bass; it was now a reassuring tenor. He began rubbing her hooves together. "I mean, at least I thought so."
Orchard looked at her, figuring her old self was returning some. "Thank you," was all she could muster saying as she took a washcloth and wiped her make-up away. Now, besides the luscious eyelashes, she was a stallion.
"And sleeping with you, even though we didn't do anything, was..." His voice was now simply a mare's. "Nice."
The eyelashes were plucked off and stored in a stallion's care bag. Orchard Blossom was now Big Macintosh. "Eeyup."
Neither could stop blushing. She coughed, her voice now changed completely. Flutterguy was now Fluttershy.
"Um... Yeah. Nice."
"Eeyup."
They both finished up and disposed of all of the evidence. The sun was now a quarter of the way over the mountains as the two made their way down the stairs and out the front door. They lingered there, both blushing, both waiting for the other to say something.
"Um..."
"Eeyup."
"..."
"...Would you like to do this again?"
Big Macintosh had proposed it first. Fluttershy couldn't contain her smile.
"Oh, yes, I would love to do this again!"
He grinned. They continued lingering before Fluttershy cleared her throat. "Well, I should be off to take care of my animals. I hope they weren't too worried about me."
"Eeyup," was the simple reply.
Slowly, they came together for a hug.
"See you later."
"Eeyup."
His deep voice made her eep!, and she quietly cantered away. He silently watcher her go.
I can’t help but like this idea, given that I’ve written something very similar. (Note: I have very definitely not written this story.) Really, the worst thing I can say about it is an unfortunate typo in the last sentence. There’s some gender confusion in the pronouns, but that’s to be expected given the context. In all, a very fun little vignette. Thank you for it
While I feel like you were a bit too explicit on the whole who's who aspect (the identity reveal is a big part of what kept me reading here, and just giving it away felt a bit cheap) I'm not really certain I could suggest a better way to do it. Maybe I'd have felt a little differently if I'd remembered who Orchard Blossom was off the bat.
Nice idea, on the whole. I do think this was a little light on conflict or something, but I'm having a bit of trouble saying why. Maybe because, although this isn't a joke, it's still a one idea fic; basically all you've got here is a reveal, and while it's a clever reveal, I can't help but want a bit more to the story than that.
Nice idea, on the whole. I do think this was a little light on conflict or something, but I'm having a bit of trouble saying why. Maybe because, although this isn't a joke, it's still a one idea fic; basically all you've got here is a reveal, and while it's a clever reveal, I can't help but want a bit more to the story than that.
Bouncing around all the pronouns had me rereading paragraphs thinking I'd missed something, but once I just got on with it everything made perfect sense. Like Not_A_Hat, I had forgotten about Orchard Blossom, but I think my memory lapse helped the revelation, if anything.
Thumbs up all around for giving some time in the spotlight to our two most not-quite gender bending characters.
Thumbs up all around for giving some time in the spotlight to our two most not-quite gender bending characters.
This was interesting. And once I connected Orchard Blossom to the relative episode it wasn't too confusing.
I really appreciate how you made a sweet tale out of this and how you told a complete story with still natural feeling dialogue.
There's not much I can say about it, except maybe rechecking the pronouns. While they made sense it was still jarring, which sometimes risks to pull the reader out of the story. Changing them more gradually or keeping it more contained may alleviate this. On the other hand, as they are now they kind of make a statement, so maybe you want to keep them as they are now.
Anyway, thank you for this.
I really appreciate how you made a sweet tale out of this and how you told a complete story with still natural feeling dialogue.
There's not much I can say about it, except maybe rechecking the pronouns. While they made sense it was still jarring, which sometimes risks to pull the reader out of the story. Changing them more gradually or keeping it more contained may alleviate this. On the other hand, as they are now they kind of make a statement, so maybe you want to keep them as they are now.
Anyway, thank you for this.
Genre: Sweet romance with a twist
Thoughts: This is the first story here that I felt truly deserved a couple of re-reads. Of course it needs careful checking to make sure the pronouns and everything line up... which I think they actually do, now that I've been through it a couple times. But beyond the technical curiosities of this story are layers of characterization and mutual attraction that I find a lot more compelling than I would have expected if I had just heard a summary of what this story is about. And perhaps the truest testament is that I don't remotely ship these guys, but I can actually kind of see this making sense.
Bravo, author, for taking some less-used bits of canon and doing something so unexpectedly cozy with them.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: This is the first story here that I felt truly deserved a couple of re-reads. Of course it needs careful checking to make sure the pronouns and everything line up... which I think they actually do, now that I've been through it a couple times. But beyond the technical curiosities of this story are layers of characterization and mutual attraction that I find a lot more compelling than I would have expected if I had just heard a summary of what this story is about. And perhaps the truest testament is that I don't remotely ship these guys, but I can actually kind of see this making sense.
Bravo, author, for taking some less-used bits of canon and doing something so unexpectedly cozy with them.
Tier: Top Contender
So, the pronouns were WAY too confusing. Yeah, you have to mix it up slightly to get across that there's some gender-confusion going on. But... pick something and stick with it. Or, failing that, use proper nouns instead of pronouns. As it reads now, I couldn't enjoy the story as my brain kept screaming about subject/verb agreement problems.
Stepping back from the technical problems, I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I get what it's going for: a nice, quiet scene between two characters, but the cross-dressing (or more?) elements overshadow the simple slice of life here. There is, for lack of a better term, an elephant in the room that isn't really addressed. I'm not saying gender-swapping has to be the lead story here, but... at least half the story is about the transition back to their normal/public roles, so it's far more than background. Yet reasons/feelings/etc. about it are curiously absent. Essentially, I feel that if this was any other topic (that is, something a little less taboo) then the story wouldn't work at all. As it sits though, the vague "taboo"ness here is the only story to be found, and it's a little weak because of that.
Stepping back from the technical problems, I'm not sure how to feel about this one. I get what it's going for: a nice, quiet scene between two characters, but the cross-dressing (or more?) elements overshadow the simple slice of life here. There is, for lack of a better term, an elephant in the room that isn't really addressed. I'm not saying gender-swapping has to be the lead story here, but... at least half the story is about the transition back to their normal/public roles, so it's far more than background. Yet reasons/feelings/etc. about it are curiously absent. Essentially, I feel that if this was any other topic (that is, something a little less taboo) then the story wouldn't work at all. As it sits though, the vague "taboo"ness here is the only story to be found, and it's a little weak because of that.
I have no doubt that everypony will think I wrote this one because I'm a dickmare who occasionally writes about gender (and isn't afraid of sexy shipping), even though careful examination will reveal the writing is not my style.
Initially I thought the premise was going to be that Big Mac was lonely and was imagining sleeping with herself, which I loved even though it broke my heart. However, that theory didn't match the small hooves from Orchard's partner.
The second role-reversal became more obvious as the modifiers started changing, but honestly that was way more distracting and confusing than helpful since we didn't know who the other pony was for certain yet (and I see above other readers agree). You should probably stick with one set of "words" and switch at a critical point. I think you could have gotten away with this if only you'd provided concrete clues who the other pony was earlier on. The shock of the reveal isn't the point behind the story: not everything needs to be a surprise twist.
This sentence in particular confused the ever-loving-hay out of me. I still don't know who you're talking about with either of those pronouns, because this sentence begins a paragraph in which it seems to be Orchard Blossom doing the talking! Besides, when does somepony's voice echo through somepony else's body? If it's one pony, why are you gender-swapping them in the middle of a sentence without more context?
It took me way too long to pick up on what the bath was for. One of the reasons I placed only a moderate conditional probability on the correct guess is that the animals comment isn't a knockout clue, especially since Mac lives on a farm and we can't tell in some cases who is doing the talking.
I strongly favor the how the character voicing (not the voices) changed. I actually wrote a story about that. It's underrated in part because of the subject matter, but I think I knocked it out of the park.
All in all, this is a great story. You just need to make the opening part significantly less confusing for the reader. It's okay to defer information, but this is a little too much of a mix-up.
"But seriously, you gotta take care of your animals, right?"
Initially I thought the premise was going to be that Big Mac was lonely and was imagining sleeping with herself, which I loved even though it broke my heart. However, that theory didn't match the small hooves from Orchard's partner.
The second role-reversal became more obvious as the modifiers started changing, but honestly that was way more distracting and confusing than helpful since we didn't know who the other pony was for certain yet (and I see above other readers agree). You should probably stick with one set of "words" and switch at a critical point. I think you could have gotten away with this if only you'd provided concrete clues who the other pony was earlier on. The shock of the reveal isn't the point behind the story: not everything needs to be a surprise twist.
His deep voice echoed through her body.
This sentence in particular confused the ever-loving-hay out of me. I still don't know who you're talking about with either of those pronouns, because this sentence begins a paragraph in which it seems to be Orchard Blossom doing the talking! Besides, when does somepony's voice echo through somepony else's body? If it's one pony, why are you gender-swapping them in the middle of a sentence without more context?
It took me way too long to pick up on what the bath was for. One of the reasons I placed only a moderate conditional probability on the correct guess is that the animals comment isn't a knockout clue, especially since Mac lives on a farm and we can't tell in some cases who is doing the talking.
I strongly favor the how the character voicing (not the voices) changed. I actually wrote a story about that. It's underrated in part because of the subject matter, but I think I knocked it out of the park.
All in all, this is a great story. You just need to make the opening part significantly less confusing for the reader. It's okay to defer information, but this is a little too much of a mix-up.
After A Wild Night — B- — That was… odd. The length restriction crippled it up quite a bit, but the unexpected shipping was a good touch to raise interest. The grammar and dialogue flow also was a little stilted in places. It may work out better if expanded, but as is, it’s good but not great.
The Great
Fairly clever take on the prompt with a fair amount of "awww" factor. Super sweet story.
The Rough
Like a lot of people, I didn't remember Cousin Orchard Blossom so this was a bit of a hard read on the first go. The mixed gender terminology and shifting pronouns are hard to track until you get to the reveal, so you're basically forced to give it a quick second read if you don't understand going in. Not that this is totally bad, per se, but I do think you could probably clean it up a little more?
This is so petty as to be silly, but I feel obligated to complain: "nearly completely unintelligible" really shouldn't net the fairly complete "needing five more minutes" idea, I feel.
Fairly clever take on the prompt with a fair amount of "awww" factor. Super sweet story.
The Rough
Like a lot of people, I didn't remember Cousin Orchard Blossom so this was a bit of a hard read on the first go. The mixed gender terminology and shifting pronouns are hard to track until you get to the reveal, so you're basically forced to give it a quick second read if you don't understand going in. Not that this is totally bad, per se, but I do think you could probably clean it up a little more?
This is so petty as to be silly, but I feel obligated to complain: "nearly completely unintelligible" really shouldn't net the fairly complete "needing five more minutes" idea, I feel.
This is amusing but confusing because of the gender shifts very early in the text, that addled me and threw me somewhat out. I think you should have been consistent in your gender at least until the reveal of the twist, where you could've liberally switched them.
But, eh, witty story, that will probably clash with many’s headcanons. However, there’s hardly anything else in the story than the reveal, so this looks like a masqueraded feghoot at the end.
But, eh, witty story, that will probably clash with many’s headcanons. However, there’s hardly anything else in the story than the reveal, so this looks like a masqueraded feghoot at the end.
Orchard Blossom was one of my favorite bits from the last few seasons, so I was happy to see Mrs. Doubtneigher's return, even if it took a form I wasn't necessarily expecting.
I like the concept; it's cute. I like the execution too, for the most part. But I don't understand the why of it. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be some sort of statement about gender, or if there's something about these characters that makes them only want to date one another when they've shifted into their alternate personas. Is Fluttershy only attracted to Big Mac in high heels, or... or what's going on with that? I also agree with the confusion surrounding the pronouns; it was very difficult to follow who was saying what at times, especially since the characters revert to their true identities mid-dialogue at the end.
I like the concept; it's cute. I like the execution too, for the most part. But I don't understand the why of it. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be some sort of statement about gender, or if there's something about these characters that makes them only want to date one another when they've shifted into their alternate personas. Is Fluttershy only attracted to Big Mac in high heels, or... or what's going on with that? I also agree with the confusion surrounding the pronouns; it was very difficult to follow who was saying what at times, especially since the characters revert to their true identities mid-dialogue at the end.
>>Posh
I've been contemplating the why of this one a bit myself. I think the way the story presents this is ultimately more about intimacy (in the sense of a close connection), and about finding someone that the characters can share less common aspects of themselves with, than being exclusively about gender per se.
Though maybe I'm bending this from the most obvious reading of the story to get to that conclusion; after all, this is coming from an otherwise straight-laced, traditional sort of fellow by day, who's only recently discovered he gets entirely too much of a kick out of dressing up as Vinyl Scratch at cons, so that could just be the denial talking. :-p
I've been contemplating the why of this one a bit myself. I think the way the story presents this is ultimately more about intimacy (in the sense of a close connection), and about finding someone that the characters can share less common aspects of themselves with, than being exclusively about gender per se.
Though maybe I'm bending this from the most obvious reading of the story to get to that conclusion; after all, this is coming from an otherwise straight-laced, traditional sort of fellow by day, who's only recently discovered he gets entirely too much of a kick out of dressing up as Vinyl Scratch at cons, so that could just be the denial talking. :-p
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Xepher
>>Trick_Question
>>georg
>>Astrarian
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
So I am the writer of this... thing. Story may not be the right word, as I have a habit of writing scenes rather than stories. I took people's advice from the last Write-Off and published three things this time, in order to boost my feedback.
With this particular Write-Off, I set out to do something that I don't seem to have done at all in any of my written works: keep a consistent tone. It seems to be the biggest thing that's stopping my stories from becoming good (besides being incoherent and incohesive), so that was what I was focusing on. With each of them, I went for a different tone: strained and a contemplative/reactionary tone in "A Talk With Yourself," horror and lack of mercy with "The Power of the Sun," and intimacy and cuteness with "After A Wild Night."
As the feedback has told me, I failed all three times. With the first, no one could tell who was talking, it didn't go anywhere, and for a strained relationship, it was boring. With the second, the first part was cheesy, and the second didn't match canon, making it ridiculous. With this story, the pronoun switches from he to she to he ruined the immersion, even though it was intentional every single time. This tells me that I'm not yet skilled enough to make a consistent tone throughout. Or tell a coherent story. Or make sense.
But I'm not bummed out about that. I was earlier, frustrated that none of my stories achieved what I had intended, but now I can look at them and tell myself that I need more practice. I am honestly frustrated that the story I put the most effort into scored the lowest out of all three, making me second-guess myself, but as horizon has told me before, some stories just need a little more love. As I need a lot more practice.
All criticisms are fair, and I thank you for them. I may participate in the next Write-Off, or I may take it off to focus instead on working the basic things I'm not good at (coherency, cohesiveness, logic and tone). I'm thinking positively about this, so I hope that's at least progress. Whatever happens, good practice with you all for the next Write-Off.
As for my critiques, I got scared that what I was doing would detract people from writing further, and that it wouldn't even provide useful information anyway, so I stopped. There were a few I wanted to dissect (A Good Filly, Post Metamorphosis, After Party, Dawn and Scorpion Days), but I didn't because of the mentioned reasons. [To Seekyoh, I'm sorry if my critique was too long to read; I tried being as thorough as possible]
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Xepher
>>Trick_Question
>>georg
>>Astrarian
>>AndrewRogue
>>Posh
So I am the writer of this... thing. Story may not be the right word, as I have a habit of writing scenes rather than stories. I took people's advice from the last Write-Off and published three things this time, in order to boost my feedback.
With this particular Write-Off, I set out to do something that I don't seem to have done at all in any of my written works: keep a consistent tone. It seems to be the biggest thing that's stopping my stories from becoming good (besides being incoherent and incohesive), so that was what I was focusing on. With each of them, I went for a different tone: strained and a contemplative/reactionary tone in "A Talk With Yourself," horror and lack of mercy with "The Power of the Sun," and intimacy and cuteness with "After A Wild Night."
As the feedback has told me, I failed all three times. With the first, no one could tell who was talking, it didn't go anywhere, and for a strained relationship, it was boring. With the second, the first part was cheesy, and the second didn't match canon, making it ridiculous. With this story, the pronoun switches from he to she to he ruined the immersion, even though it was intentional every single time. This tells me that I'm not yet skilled enough to make a consistent tone throughout. Or tell a coherent story. Or make sense.
But I'm not bummed out about that. I was earlier, frustrated that none of my stories achieved what I had intended, but now I can look at them and tell myself that I need more practice. I am honestly frustrated that the story I put the most effort into scored the lowest out of all three, making me second-guess myself, but as horizon has told me before, some stories just need a little more love. As I need a lot more practice.
All criticisms are fair, and I thank you for them. I may participate in the next Write-Off, or I may take it off to focus instead on working the basic things I'm not good at (coherency, cohesiveness, logic and tone). I'm thinking positively about this, so I hope that's at least progress. Whatever happens, good practice with you all for the next Write-Off.
As for my critiques, I got scared that what I was doing would detract people from writing further, and that it wouldn't even provide useful information anyway, so I stopped. There were a few I wanted to dissect (A Good Filly, Post Metamorphosis, After Party, Dawn and Scorpion Days), but I didn't because of the mentioned reasons. [To Seekyoh, I'm sorry if my critique was too long to read; I tried being as thorough as possible]
>>Not_Worthy2
I loved the story, it just needs tuning to make it less confusing for the reader to piece together.
These Writeoffs are hard as buck to do well in because you're competing against lots of masterful authors. One large flaw can derail a story's placement, even if the story itself is great. It is a mistake to think your story is bad based on its placement. Don't worry about the ranking: focus on the feedback and modify the story to make it shine. I'd like to see this one on Fimfiction someday.
I loved the story, it just needs tuning to make it less confusing for the reader to piece together.
These Writeoffs are hard as buck to do well in because you're competing against lots of masterful authors. One large flaw can derail a story's placement, even if the story itself is great. It is a mistake to think your story is bad based on its placement. Don't worry about the ranking: focus on the feedback and modify the story to make it shine. I'd like to see this one on Fimfiction someday.
>>Not_Worthy2
Please don't get discouraged! I thought this was fantastic and it was a lock for my #1 spot for most of the Writeoff (falling only to #2 by the end, versus the Cranky/Matilda one). I think the pronoun switching is a comparatively minor technical issue; the core of this remains strong. I would suggest that even if it didn't achieve the goal you set out for at its beginning, it achieved something worthwhile, and it deserves to live on.
Looking more broadly, >>Trick_Question nails the challenge of the Writeoff: you're up against some of the best authors in the fandom, who through whatever combination of talent, experience, and spare time, have demonstrated a much better than average ability to write popular stories.
"Goodness" doesn't always track with popularity. While I think it's sour grapes to explore that thought-line too far, I wouldn't automatically equate a lack of popularity with a lack of goodness. If the feedback on the story you thought would be your best helps you improve without being discouraging, then hopefully it's still worth having written it.
Please don't get discouraged! I thought this was fantastic and it was a lock for my #1 spot for most of the Writeoff (falling only to #2 by the end, versus the Cranky/Matilda one). I think the pronoun switching is a comparatively minor technical issue; the core of this remains strong. I would suggest that even if it didn't achieve the goal you set out for at its beginning, it achieved something worthwhile, and it deserves to live on.
Looking more broadly, >>Trick_Question nails the challenge of the Writeoff: you're up against some of the best authors in the fandom, who through whatever combination of talent, experience, and spare time, have demonstrated a much better than average ability to write popular stories.
"Goodness" doesn't always track with popularity. While I think it's sour grapes to explore that thought-line too far, I wouldn't automatically equate a lack of popularity with a lack of goodness. If the feedback on the story you thought would be your best helps you improve without being discouraging, then hopefully it's still worth having written it.
>>Not_Worthy2
Ooh, if you're still interested, I'd love it if you were to dissect Post Metamorphosis! The more feedback, the better. I already have a bundle of ideas on how to lengthen, rewrite, and change it from the other comments to make it much better; I'd absolutely love to hear what you have to say!
And I actually liked your stories. I thought the voices for pony-Cheerilee and EqG-Cheerilee were distinct, although there's a little polishing needed--nothing the average editor wouldn't be expecting to help with. (or even just prereader). I read The Power of the Sun briefly and actually thought it was pretty cool, but I didn't read it in time to vote properly... I thought the idea was really neat and it made perfect sense to me that Luna would pose as Celestia in Chrysalis' dream--although I can't easily explain why I thought it fit so well. Maybe because we've seen an antagonistic relationship between Celestia and Chrysalis in the show, while we haven't really seen any direct interactions between Luna and Chrysalis? I liked it. After a Wild Night didn't really do much for me, but that was purely because the topic isn't particularly my cup of tea and I couldn't really figure out why Big Mac and Fluttershy had done this. I thought the writing was solid and the pronouns didn't bother my immersion. I was planning to read the story for comprehension, not quick-read-get-through-fast, and I was confused with the pronoun change briefly, but I quickly figured out it was deliberate, read on, and got my explanation. The prose in that piece was certainly nice, though. I hope this helps a little--don't be so down on yourself! You're doing great, and I'm sure you'll only get better from here!
Ooh, if you're still interested, I'd love it if you were to dissect Post Metamorphosis! The more feedback, the better. I already have a bundle of ideas on how to lengthen, rewrite, and change it from the other comments to make it much better; I'd absolutely love to hear what you have to say!
And I actually liked your stories. I thought the voices for pony-Cheerilee and EqG-Cheerilee were distinct, although there's a little polishing needed--nothing the average editor wouldn't be expecting to help with. (or even just prereader). I read The Power of the Sun briefly and actually thought it was pretty cool, but I didn't read it in time to vote properly... I thought the idea was really neat and it made perfect sense to me that Luna would pose as Celestia in Chrysalis' dream--although I can't easily explain why I thought it fit so well. Maybe because we've seen an antagonistic relationship between Celestia and Chrysalis in the show, while we haven't really seen any direct interactions between Luna and Chrysalis? I liked it. After a Wild Night didn't really do much for me, but that was purely because the topic isn't particularly my cup of tea and I couldn't really figure out why Big Mac and Fluttershy had done this. I thought the writing was solid and the pronouns didn't bother my immersion. I was planning to read the story for comprehension, not quick-read-get-through-fast, and I was confused with the pronoun change briefly, but I quickly figured out it was deliberate, read on, and got my explanation. The prose in that piece was certainly nice, though. I hope this helps a little--don't be so down on yourself! You're doing great, and I'm sure you'll only get better from here!
>>Not_Worthy2
The pronoun confusion was a technical issue that detracted a bit but is relatively easy to fix. You experimented a bit there and it didn't work out completely, that happens. The write-off is ideal for this kind of experiments because you tend to receive topical feedback on what worked and what not. Your story still scored highly on my slate, it was good and touching. You di a great job.
Honestly, I appreciate any form of critique and feedback. Even if, for some bizarre and improbable reason, the things you say are not things I consider problems, it still is the feedback from one more reader that helps me understand how different people react to my story.
As long as you are not a jerk about it even things like "Your story made me feel uneasy/bad/sick and I can't score it/finish it because..." are quite useful data-points.
The pronoun confusion was a technical issue that detracted a bit but is relatively easy to fix. You experimented a bit there and it didn't work out completely, that happens. The write-off is ideal for this kind of experiments because you tend to receive topical feedback on what worked and what not. Your story still scored highly on my slate, it was good and touching. You di a great job.
As for my critiques, I got scared that what I was doing would detract people from writing further, and that it wouldn't even provide useful information anyway, so I stopped. There were a few I wanted to dissect (A Good Filly, Post Metamorphosis, After Party, Dawn and Scorpion Days), but I didn't because of the mentioned reasons. [To Seekyoh, I'm sorry if my critique was too long to read; I tried being as thorough as possible]
Honestly, I appreciate any form of critique and feedback. Even if, for some bizarre and improbable reason, the things you say are not things I consider problems, it still is the feedback from one more reader that helps me understand how different people react to my story.
As long as you are not a jerk about it even things like "Your story made me feel uneasy/bad/sick and I can't score it/finish it because..." are quite useful data-points.
>>CoffeeMinion
I will probably expand this to include when they decide to go on a date, and the date itself. I have a few fun things I could do with it. As for the other stories, I don't know how I could make them work with the established canon, though I would like to give the Cherilee one a go someday. I'm not upset at how my stories placed, for the most part; I am just confused as to how the story I worked the hardest on did the worst.
But positive thoughts going forward! Thank you for your words.
>>Trick_Question
I'm not discouraged in the slightest! I'm not upset that it wasn't popular either. I am a little disappointed that I didn't accomplish what I set out to do (make a consistent tone), but win some, lose some, right? I think all three of my stories were worth writing, now that I don't have the depressing sickness hanging inside of me. Thank you for your kind words. :)
>>Kitcat36
I'm glad you got something out of my stories. :) I will see what I can say about Post Metamorphosis. I believe that I can get better from here on, if I focus on my weaknesses and defining myself as a writer and person. Thank you for your kind words.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I'm happy you enjoyed it! Experimentation does seem to be the thing I want to do in these Write-Offs. I'll take that to heart; I can learn what works and what doesn't, and perhaps when. Thank you for your kind words.
I guess I'll end this by saying that I'm feeling good moving forward. I plan on practicing more, not neglecting my reading, and hopefully be better for the next round.
I will probably expand this to include when they decide to go on a date, and the date itself. I have a few fun things I could do with it. As for the other stories, I don't know how I could make them work with the established canon, though I would like to give the Cherilee one a go someday. I'm not upset at how my stories placed, for the most part; I am just confused as to how the story I worked the hardest on did the worst.
But positive thoughts going forward! Thank you for your words.
>>Trick_Question
I'm not discouraged in the slightest! I'm not upset that it wasn't popular either. I am a little disappointed that I didn't accomplish what I set out to do (make a consistent tone), but win some, lose some, right? I think all three of my stories were worth writing, now that I don't have the depressing sickness hanging inside of me. Thank you for your kind words. :)
>>Kitcat36
I'm glad you got something out of my stories. :) I will see what I can say about Post Metamorphosis. I believe that I can get better from here on, if I focus on my weaknesses and defining myself as a writer and person. Thank you for your kind words.
>>Orbiting_kettle
I'm happy you enjoyed it! Experimentation does seem to be the thing I want to do in these Write-Offs. I'll take that to heart; I can learn what works and what doesn't, and perhaps when. Thank you for your kind words.
I guess I'll end this by saying that I'm feeling good moving forward. I plan on practicing more, not neglecting my reading, and hopefully be better for the next round.