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My mind jumped to "funeral" at the third sentence, and the fourth sentence confirmed my suspicions.
The room being so cold as to need a heavy jacket seems out of place, but then, it's been a long time since I've been to a funeral that had a viewing, and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures. Is the room being particularly cold during a viewing a common thing? Also, as >>Not_A_Hat pointed out, eating food in the same room as the body seems... odd.
For some reason I assumed Jamie was Sarah's dad's husband at first, and the text didn't really give me a reason to think otherwise until he specifically addressed Sarah as "sis". The relationship between them feels a bit cold for siblings at their father's funeral, even if they were estranged, but grief does funny things to a person. Perhaps they're both older than I initially thought they were.
I certainly empathized with Sarah's persistent desire to be elsewhere and to not be noticed. Talking about the deceased makes their passing more real, and I can't fault her efforts to forestall that for as long as possible. She's in denial, until reality forces her towards acknowledgement of her father's death at the very end. Having her walls break down also bring her closer to her brother was a nice touch.
I felt rooted in Sarah's headspace throughout the story, and aside from the few little niggles above, everything felt very realistic and, perhaps, familiar. Very well done, Writer.
>>horizon
I actually really like this story because of the cold and isolating language Sarah uses to describe her surroundings. She's throwing up every form of barrier she can between herself and the situation around her, even on a subconscious level, to avoid feeling the pain of her loss and, if I'm reading it right, regret. Her desire to be elsewhere, while understandable (at least from my perspective), is also incredibly selfish. It's a slap in the face to Jamie when she says "I have plans" and he knows it's a lie, because it's their dad's funeral and even if it was true, it's cold on her part to so callously snub him (and, by extension, the rest of their family).
HOWEVER, I just re-read the story from the perspective you outline, and you're totally right, everything lines up pretty cleanly. Had I not automatically jumped to "funeral" at the beginning, I can see how I might have made the same mistake. I suspect I was part of the target audience for this piece.
The room being so cold as to need a heavy jacket seems out of place, but then, it's been a long time since I've been to a funeral that had a viewing, and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures. Is the room being particularly cold during a viewing a common thing? Also, as >>Not_A_Hat pointed out, eating food in the same room as the body seems... odd.
For some reason I assumed Jamie was Sarah's dad's husband at first, and the text didn't really give me a reason to think otherwise until he specifically addressed Sarah as "sis". The relationship between them feels a bit cold for siblings at their father's funeral, even if they were estranged, but grief does funny things to a person. Perhaps they're both older than I initially thought they were.
I certainly empathized with Sarah's persistent desire to be elsewhere and to not be noticed. Talking about the deceased makes their passing more real, and I can't fault her efforts to forestall that for as long as possible. She's in denial, until reality forces her towards acknowledgement of her father's death at the very end. Having her walls break down also bring her closer to her brother was a nice touch.
I felt rooted in Sarah's headspace throughout the story, and aside from the few little niggles above, everything felt very realistic and, perhaps, familiar. Very well done, Writer.
>>horizon
I actually really like this story because of the cold and isolating language Sarah uses to describe her surroundings. She's throwing up every form of barrier she can between herself and the situation around her, even on a subconscious level, to avoid feeling the pain of her loss and, if I'm reading it right, regret. Her desire to be elsewhere, while understandable (at least from my perspective), is also incredibly selfish. It's a slap in the face to Jamie when she says "I have plans" and he knows it's a lie, because it's their dad's funeral and even if it was true, it's cold on her part to so callously snub him (and, by extension, the rest of their family).
HOWEVER, I just re-read the story from the perspective you outline, and you're totally right, everything lines up pretty cleanly. Had I not automatically jumped to "funeral" at the beginning, I can see how I might have made the same mistake. I suspect I was part of the target audience for this piece.
>>Icenrose
We could've guessed that from your nickname alone :P
…and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures.
We could've guessed that from your nickname alone :P
Pun on "sand witch" and yet, she's running a food cart with sandwiches... We get it, you read the prompt. Or at least the last word of it. Kinda fuzzy how the full prompt meshes here though.
That aside, it was an interesting settings to say the least. I definitely want to know more about this world and these characters. But... I'm not sure a food car with "sun-dried tomatoes" really connects us to the Overworld. The reference to the lack of sun felt really forced.
Overall, a big reach, and it landed better than most, but... not quite at the top tier for me.
That aside, it was an interesting settings to say the least. I definitely want to know more about this world and these characters. But... I'm not sure a food car with "sun-dried tomatoes" really connects us to the Overworld. The reference to the lack of sun felt really forced.
Overall, a big reach, and it landed better than most, but... not quite at the top tier for me.
"The ethereal entity" was a phrase used FAR too many times. Likewise just "The entity." You could hardly pick a worse six letter word to take up three syllables. It grates. Several grammatical/typo problems do as well.
Beyond that... The pun of "Sand Witch/Sandwich is tired from the first use. I want a subversion of it, but... it's not found here.
Still though, you did a decent job giving character and depth to the witch and to Theo, and that's no small thing.
Overall, I think it's an admirable attempt, but by failing to either directly embrace the prompt OR reject it, this comes up middling to me.
Beyond that... The pun of "Sand Witch/Sandwich is tired from the first use. I want a subversion of it, but... it's not found here.
Still though, you did a decent job giving character and depth to the witch and to Theo, and that's no small thing.
Overall, I think it's an admirable attempt, but by failing to either directly embrace the prompt OR reject it, this comes up middling to me.
You have a strong beginning and a strong end. The problem is the middle. Even before I read the comments, I myself wanted to debate your math. >>billymorph did a much better job than I would though.
That's the danger of hard sci-fi. If you put out actual numbers, people WILL check those numbers. If you just wave your hands and say "it adds more mass, and that means exponentially more energy!" we'll all agree.
As a story, I think you had a great take on the prompt. Explaining to a "rook" why he can't "just have his sandwich" is perfect. The problem is that the explanation took the rest of the story, and the math was... iffy. Meat and cheese are actually rather high in caloric density. Bread isn't, but in terms of mass (rather than volume) its pretty decent. More importantly, until you show things like everyone on board being shaved bald and having their lower (if not upper) limbs removed to minimize mass, it's hard to begrudge a relatively dense Ruben vs. even an optimal protein shake.
Overall, strong attempt, but went technical without the
That's the danger of hard sci-fi. If you put out actual numbers, people WILL check those numbers. If you just wave your hands and say "it adds more mass, and that means exponentially more energy!" we'll all agree.
As a story, I think you had a great take on the prompt. Explaining to a "rook" why he can't "just have his sandwich" is perfect. The problem is that the explanation took the rest of the story, and the math was... iffy. Meat and cheese are actually rather high in caloric density. Bread isn't, but in terms of mass (rather than volume) its pretty decent. More importantly, until you show things like everyone on board being shaved bald and having their lower (if not upper) limbs removed to minimize mass, it's hard to begrudge a relatively dense Ruben vs. even an optimal protein shake.
Overall, strong attempt, but went technical without the
I definitely appreciate the genre-savvy MC, but... I felt there really should have been some sort of payoff (positive OR negative) for that. That the MC gets a can of coke and a can of coke only is... boring. Yeah, maybe it fits the prompt a little better, but... meh.
That said, the characters here, both of them, are well evoked, especially considering it's mostly dialog.
Overall, lovely scene and great characters, but doesn't close the deal.
>>horizon Like the last story (donut) I am continually surprised by the opposite reactions we're having to stories this round.
That said, the characters here, both of them, are well evoked, especially considering it's mostly dialog.
Overall, lovely scene and great characters, but doesn't close the deal.
>>horizon Like the last story (donut) I am continually surprised by the opposite reactions we're having to stories this round.
"Close only counts in handgrenades and horseshoes...." and nukes.
I think decent attempt at showing something grand about the nature of humanity. Unfortunately, I had the distinct impression that the author has not been on either side of the lunch counter in question.
I say that with all humility. I am, as a white dude in his 30s that was raised in Colorado, nowhere near the civil rights activists of the 50s and 60s in the south. But... I think I can recognize like. This subject matter—racism—is very, very touchy and poignant. If you don't get it just so, it feels farcical. We (america and/or whites) did horrible thing to our minorities and outcasts during the period portrayed. As such, stories that appear to simply glaze over that or "solve" it in a short time are hard to interpret as realistic.
This story does a great job trying for that. If there was anything to ever bring about the realization that we are all equal, it would have to be a nuclear war. But it still feels... forced. I don't know how else to say it. I just don't feel there's enough shown in the story to make previously "hateful" individuals come to some sort of peace. I feel that's most likely due to the severe word limit here, but, "them's the breaks" as they say.
Overall, a great attempt in potentia, but feels like it lacks believably due to the short length.
I think decent attempt at showing something grand about the nature of humanity. Unfortunately, I had the distinct impression that the author has not been on either side of the lunch counter in question.
I say that with all humility. I am, as a white dude in his 30s that was raised in Colorado, nowhere near the civil rights activists of the 50s and 60s in the south. But... I think I can recognize like. This subject matter—racism—is very, very touchy and poignant. If you don't get it just so, it feels farcical. We (america and/or whites) did horrible thing to our minorities and outcasts during the period portrayed. As such, stories that appear to simply glaze over that or "solve" it in a short time are hard to interpret as realistic.
This story does a great job trying for that. If there was anything to ever bring about the realization that we are all equal, it would have to be a nuclear war. But it still feels... forced. I don't know how else to say it. I just don't feel there's enough shown in the story to make previously "hateful" individuals come to some sort of peace. I feel that's most likely due to the severe word limit here, but, "them's the breaks" as they say.
Overall, a great attempt in potentia, but feels like it lacks believably due to the short length.
I read this out aloud without having gone over it before, and the one time I stumbled over the words was because I read over a syllable in the last verse. The rhythm's great.
So a can of coke for the low price of spending the rest of your days wondering whether or not you wasted your wish? It's a beautiful fresh take on the genie scene. Also I guess the last person wished for a sandwich?
Not gonna review all the finalists but kinda had to chip in on this one.
>>Xepher beat me to my main comment, kind of. Which is: All this brainpower put into the math of sandwich shipment is missing a bigger point. The ship is crewed by humans, who require food consumption to stay alive. That food is already reaching them. The question is not how much it costs to send them a sandwich from scratch, but how much extra it costs to replace the food already being sent.
There are some answers for that which would lead to a compelling story, but you seem to be boxing yourself out of them with your little details.
The simplest answer would be that they have the capability to locally produce some sort of gross nutrient sludge (algae paste from their biotanks, or whatever), and that the meal replacement cost is prohibitive because it requires shipping whereas their sludge-meals don't. But you already have them on a menu that closely resembles the food they're dreaming about, implying an existing food source capable of producing Reubens:
One workaround to that compatible with your current text would be to have them eating only freeze-dried stuff because Washington Station is in a location where they can locally produce water (such as on a comet). It's not that they want sandwiches et.al., but they want fresh sandwiches instead of reconstituted crap. But the math doesn't make this cost-prohibitive. Typically 70%-ish of the weight of many common foods is water weight, so if their diet is all reconstituted with local water, shipping non-freeze-dried foods would roughly quadruple the cost of their meals. This would mean that in the worst-case scenario — where food is by far the largest expense of maintaining active station personnel — denying them the occasional fresh meal as a holiday bonus means quibbling about an amount representing less than two days' pay.
But, y'know, despite how the replacement-cost thing breaks the central premise of your story, it ultimately feels a lot like a nitpick, because it would take like five words of editing to have them eating shipgrown algae sludge instead (and noting that all "real" food has to be shipped in). It's just the biggest of my issues that hasn't been mentioned yet, is all. And as >>Not_A_Hat said: "I'm not picky enough to mark this down too heavily for any one nitpick, I guess, but this is spun as if it was hard sci-fi, and... I've got a lot of nitpicks." I like the core concept, and the characterization feels strong for its space (though Church's abuse gets wearisome by the end). I commend you for a daring story willing to stray afield, and I'm glad you wrote this and I engaged with it, but a story about the math needs to get the math correct (and in the correct context).
Tier: Almost There
>>Xepher beat me to my main comment, kind of. Which is: All this brainpower put into the math of sandwich shipment is missing a bigger point. The ship is crewed by humans, who require food consumption to stay alive. That food is already reaching them. The question is not how much it costs to send them a sandwich from scratch, but how much extra it costs to replace the food already being sent.
There are some answers for that which would lead to a compelling story, but you seem to be boxing yourself out of them with your little details.
The simplest answer would be that they have the capability to locally produce some sort of gross nutrient sludge (algae paste from their biotanks, or whatever), and that the meal replacement cost is prohibitive because it requires shipping whereas their sludge-meals don't. But you already have them on a menu that closely resembles the food they're dreaming about, implying an existing food source capable of producing Reubens:
Leonard lifted another spoonful of sludgy potatoes. They dripped back down to his plate in slow motion, courtesy of the ship’s artificial gravity.
His gaze wandered between the floor and the gelatinous meatloaf on his plate.
One workaround to that compatible with your current text would be to have them eating only freeze-dried stuff because Washington Station is in a location where they can locally produce water (such as on a comet). It's not that they want sandwiches et.al., but they want fresh sandwiches instead of reconstituted crap. But the math doesn't make this cost-prohibitive. Typically 70%-ish of the weight of many common foods is water weight, so if their diet is all reconstituted with local water, shipping non-freeze-dried foods would roughly quadruple the cost of their meals. This would mean that in the worst-case scenario — where food is by far the largest expense of maintaining active station personnel — denying them the occasional fresh meal as a holiday bonus means quibbling about an amount representing less than two days' pay.
But, y'know, despite how the replacement-cost thing breaks the central premise of your story, it ultimately feels a lot like a nitpick, because it would take like five words of editing to have them eating shipgrown algae sludge instead (and noting that all "real" food has to be shipped in). It's just the biggest of my issues that hasn't been mentioned yet, is all. And as >>Not_A_Hat said: "I'm not picky enough to mark this down too heavily for any one nitpick, I guess, but this is spun as if it was hard sci-fi, and... I've got a lot of nitpicks." I like the core concept, and the characterization feels strong for its space (though Church's abuse gets wearisome by the end). I commend you for a daring story willing to stray afield, and I'm glad you wrote this and I engaged with it, but a story about the math needs to get the math correct (and in the correct context).
Tier: Almost There
Well, this was the first story I read this competition, and it comes in at the top of my list. It was concise, contained, and cute. Children really do say the darndest things. Nicely done!
Racism and Nuclear Apocalypse... This story has it all!
I actually really liked this one. I think it really conveyed the atmosphere... Both of the time period and the circumstances. And the way the latter makes the tensions of the former irrelevant. Definitely one of my favorites.
I actually really liked this one. I think it really conveyed the atmosphere... Both of the time period and the circumstances. And the way the latter makes the tensions of the former irrelevant. Definitely one of my favorites.
Well, as a firearms enthusiast and staunch supporter of the 2nd amendment, this story automatically get's a few bonus points for catering to my biases. But beyond that, it's well written, and the protagonists reactions, emotions, and behaviors all ring very true. The terror, the disbelief, the muscle memory, the way things don't happen like they do on TV... Very well done and well put together. Definitely high on my slate (bonus points not withstanding. :) )
Well, I thought this was a clever little story and an interesting interpretation of the prompt.
I'm too lazy to do the math myself, so I'll trust Billymorph's calculations. My first thought though was that if a mere 300kg's costs $100k in fuel, then I'm surprised the corporation running the ship doesn't require every crewmember to go on a diet before launch... Or only hire anemics!
Regardless of the accuracy / believability of the math, it was still an entertaining and well written little story, so thumbs up!
I'm too lazy to do the math myself, so I'll trust Billymorph's calculations. My first thought though was that if a mere 300kg's costs $100k in fuel, then I'm surprised the corporation running the ship doesn't require every crewmember to go on a diet before launch... Or only hire anemics!
Regardless of the accuracy / believability of the math, it was still an entertaining and well written little story, so thumbs up!
Hmmmmm... I rather hate poetry. But strangely enough, I don't hate this piece. Maybe because it doesn't seem particularly 'poetry-like' to me. I actually rather like it.
It does a good job setting the atmosphere... I'm getting the impression of some World War One era settings, where chemical or biological weapons have rendered vast swathes of the land uninhabitable, and messages must be hand delivered between towns...
Some bits puzzle me a bit though... How is hope a danger that will kill you? That seems to be one of the key points of the story, but I'm not quite following that train of logic. And in the end... I'm assuming he removed his mask before he actually reaches safety... But why would he do that, after having made it so far already? It just seems unnecessarily foolish..
But despite that, I'm surprised to find myself enjoying this one. So kudos to you!
It does a good job setting the atmosphere... I'm getting the impression of some World War One era settings, where chemical or biological weapons have rendered vast swathes of the land uninhabitable, and messages must be hand delivered between towns...
Some bits puzzle me a bit though... How is hope a danger that will kill you? That seems to be one of the key points of the story, but I'm not quite following that train of logic. And in the end... I'm assuming he removed his mask before he actually reaches safety... But why would he do that, after having made it so far already? It just seems unnecessarily foolish..
But despite that, I'm surprised to find myself enjoying this one. So kudos to you!
Well, this certainly comes out swinging with strong emotions. For some reason, this round my reading seems to be getting caught on an awful lot of little nitpicks; I might as well share them as examples of things that pulled from my engagement, and in hopes they're helpful with editing.
I'm just gonna say that you've got a very unique protagonist if she reads Coates for fun and carries a concealed revolver. Not impossible; people break stereotypes all the time. But gun culture is largely conservative culture and TNC is very much not a conservative author. I'm much more curious about how the protagonist bridges that gap than I am about the shooting, honestly. Obviously there are family foundations to her gun ownership, but the tension there is left unexplored.
Uh, what caliber is this gun, exactly? "Blowing a hole in the floor" implies more than just the little dot of a round penetrating.
And I appreciate that this story ends on an ambiguous note (and describes the screams of the customers), so that it's not trying to make some sort of moral statement on her actions. Because, while gun control is a contentious and complex topic, the one fact I hope is beyond debate is that she was the one who escalated the situation from threats to gunfire. I hope to gods she didn't accidentally miss (as she continued to fire, emptying the gun) and kill any bystanders; and it's damn lucky for everyone that she managed to hit with the first shot before the mugger noticed her and started firing back, because nothing gets bystanders killed like crossfire. That she's directly responsible for one death is very nearly the optimal outcome here.
As strong as this is, I feel like it's the prologue to the real story. It's a very tense and vivid scene, but it sets up much bigger fallout.
Despite that and my general reservations about covering such a big story in such a small space, I think this is going near the top of my ballot. Just don't take my vote as an endorsement of this as a complete tale.
Tier: Top Contender
All she wanted to do this afternoon was settle down in a window seat at the sandwich shop and read Ta-Nehisi Coates's latest book.
I'm just gonna say that you've got a very unique protagonist if she reads Coates for fun and carries a concealed revolver. Not impossible; people break stereotypes all the time. But gun culture is largely conservative culture and TNC is very much not a conservative author. I'm much more curious about how the protagonist bridges that gap than I am about the shooting, honestly. Obviously there are family foundations to her gun ownership, but the tension there is left unexplored.
All she could think of was the people at the firing range calling her little revolver tiny and weak…
She lowered her aim as he dropped and fired again, the last shot passing through his side and blowing a hole in the floor as he landed in a welter of blood.
Uh, what caliber is this gun, exactly? "Blowing a hole in the floor" implies more than just the little dot of a round penetrating.
And I appreciate that this story ends on an ambiguous note (and describes the screams of the customers), so that it's not trying to make some sort of moral statement on her actions. Because, while gun control is a contentious and complex topic, the one fact I hope is beyond debate is that she was the one who escalated the situation from threats to gunfire. I hope to gods she didn't accidentally miss (as she continued to fire, emptying the gun) and kill any bystanders; and it's damn lucky for everyone that she managed to hit with the first shot before the mugger noticed her and started firing back, because nothing gets bystanders killed like crossfire. That she's directly responsible for one death is very nearly the optimal outcome here.
As strong as this is, I feel like it's the prologue to the real story. It's a very tense and vivid scene, but it sets up much bigger fallout.
Despite that and my general reservations about covering such a big story in such a small space, I think this is going near the top of my ballot. Just don't take my vote as an endorsement of this as a complete tale.
Tier: Top Contender
"Hansel and Gretel?" Really? You're counter to the argument that witches in stories are always killing or hurting people is a story where a witch is trying to eat two children, but dies because she fails? Somehow that's not a confidence booster! ;>
Still, I agree with the above reviews. It was cute and clever, and works from both the boy's direction and the witches. Well done and amusing. :)
Still, I agree with the above reviews. It was cute and clever, and works from both the boy's direction and the witches. Well done and amusing. :)
"Why are you not afraid?" the King repeated, almost desperately.
"Monsters don't see children," the child stated. "Nurse says so."
At first I thought the kid meant that he wasn't afraid because he was invisible to the king and therefore could flee without harm. I had to do a double-take two lines later at the king reacting thoughtfully to what felt like a sick burn.
Another reader in the >>Baal Bunny camp wrt the child's inconsistency. Definitely needs some editing on that score. Still, this tells an enjoyable story in its space.
Tier: Strong
Yet more nitpicks, apologies in advance: Why is she cooking Grökhog as a substitute for chicken if she's making cheese and tomato sandwiches? And exactly what sort of book is this that survives being thrown in the ocean?
Hate to buck the trend here, but this one just felt sort of … ehh. There's nothing wrong with it I can particularly name, except that it felt so compressed I never worked up any emotional engagement with its characters. It's just trying to tell too big a story for its space, especially in an original fiction round where it has to build everything from scratch. It does a good job with little details (like her hearts, plural, beating), but I can't assemble those details into a coherent picture. What is the "Underworld", and how come everything lives there from skeletons to goblins to giant spider-people with scaly daughters? (Is this some sort of oblique Undertale crossover?) I want to like this more, but it's panning through its intriguing setting at top speed and leaving me behind.
Tier: Almost There
Hate to buck the trend here, but this one just felt sort of … ehh. There's nothing wrong with it I can particularly name, except that it felt so compressed I never worked up any emotional engagement with its characters. It's just trying to tell too big a story for its space, especially in an original fiction round where it has to build everything from scratch. It does a good job with little details (like her hearts, plural, beating), but I can't assemble those details into a coherent picture. What is the "Underworld", and how come everything lives there from skeletons to goblins to giant spider-people with scaly daughters? (Is this some sort of oblique Undertale crossover?) I want to like this more, but it's panning through its intriguing setting at top speed and leaving me behind.
Tier: Almost There
I have many questions about the ending. How exactly are there "two" messages for Spencer? The courier took one (see the first stanza of scene 3), and even after a second read, I don't see them picking up another. Is the second message what happened to the courier? Were they, like, assassinated to make a point, or did the capsule contain a Cloud bomb or something? And why do the bookend stanzas transition from the abstract "hunger/hate/hope" to the concrete "hunger/hesitation/haste" if you're just going to make a specific point of saying that hope killed him? So this doesn't fully come logically together for me.
It also didn't come together in the other sense, that there's just so much context we're missing: but the poetry was specifically a good decision there, insofar as I felt comfortable with that sense of incompletion, since the format is inherently more about fragments and impressions. And I think it does make good use of the repetition and the formatting — enough so that when it broke format for the italicized digression about what appears to be a plague mask (and, if it's not, it should be), I felt let down.
On the strength of the poetry I think this is going to go up near the top of my "stories with flaws" and just underneath the weakest of the "stories that engaged me all the way through", so kudos. The bad news is that that's about 1/3 of the way down my ballot.
Tier: (High) Almost There
It also didn't come together in the other sense, that there's just so much context we're missing: but the poetry was specifically a good decision there, insofar as I felt comfortable with that sense of incompletion, since the format is inherently more about fragments and impressions. And I think it does make good use of the repetition and the formatting — enough so that when it broke format for the italicized digression about what appears to be a plague mask (and, if it's not, it should be), I felt let down.
On the strength of the poetry I think this is going to go up near the top of my "stories with flaws" and just underneath the weakest of the "stories that engaged me all the way through", so kudos. The bad news is that that's about 1/3 of the way down my ballot.
Tier: (High) Almost There
Everyone's saying something's up with the narrator... I think they're fine. What's up with Mom? Why is she responding to everything like a deaf robot?
Spoons clatter against saucers and the smell of bacon smegma molests my nostrils.
I refuse to believe I share a website with someone who wrote a sentence that good. Fuck off.
I love every part of this except the ending. Them actually being in Hell (or whatever it was) feels like a real cop out, considering how good of a slice of life piece you had going.
Right, I have just a few hours to plow through reviews so I'm setting myself a challenge. As the stories are max 750 words my reviews will all be 7 words or less. Usual disclaimer, reviews are intended as constructive and humorous criticism, reviews may contain small parts and should be kept out of reach of small children.
Now, let's do this!
Now, let's do this!
Homeopathy? Seriously? Homeopathy? You sir, are the worst assassin EVER!
Though I suppose it provides a bit of catharsis for the poor soul, which explains why he's the longest running assistant the boss has ever had...
Though the beginning kinda bugs me. We're shown that his boss is a real asshole based on the phone conversation... But then our protagonist tries to show just how truly evil she is! She works for a giant corporation! And her job is moving money around, so they don't have to pay taxes! She's a greedy monster! Why, she practically eats babies!
I know that there are people out there who actually believe that wealthy people = evil monsters. (Unless, of course, those wealthy people are funding one of that person's pet causes, in which case they get a pass.) But that kind of thinking annoys the heck out of me. I would have instead focused on things that make his boss such a horrible person personally. Denying vacation, forcing people to work overtime without pay, firing them for insignificant reasons, buying a puppy every week just so she'd have something to strangle at work to relieve tension... You know, evil things! Rather than "Not only is she mean, she's also a _____! (Lawyer/Banker/Oil Tycoon/Politician/Whatever.)" Though I suppose picking a stereotypical disliked group does have the advantage of being concise, always a useful trait in a mini fic! :)
Though I suppose it provides a bit of catharsis for the poor soul, which explains why he's the longest running assistant the boss has ever had...
Though the beginning kinda bugs me. We're shown that his boss is a real asshole based on the phone conversation... But then our protagonist tries to show just how truly evil she is! She works for a giant corporation! And her job is moving money around, so they don't have to pay taxes! She's a greedy monster! Why, she practically eats babies!
I know that there are people out there who actually believe that wealthy people = evil monsters. (Unless, of course, those wealthy people are funding one of that person's pet causes, in which case they get a pass.) But that kind of thinking annoys the heck out of me. I would have instead focused on things that make his boss such a horrible person personally. Denying vacation, forcing people to work overtime without pay, firing them for insignificant reasons, buying a puppy every week just so she'd have something to strangle at work to relieve tension... You know, evil things! Rather than "Not only is she mean, she's also a _____! (Lawyer/Banker/Oil Tycoon/Politician/Whatever.)" Though I suppose picking a stereotypical disliked group does have the advantage of being concise, always a useful trait in a mini fic! :)
Huh. It took me a minute or two to fully understand what was going on... But I have to admit, it's a pretty interesting and amusing take on the prompt! Rather silly, but well done. You definitely get the feeling that there's a deep, rich world behind this story, and we're just getting a glimpse of it, somewhere in the middle. Pretty enjoyable, all in all. :)
Seven Word Review
Gut punch, though not unjustified I'm sure.
(Aside, I've been in this fandom too long. I keep parsing the title as 'Horsewife'.)
Gut punch, though not unjustified I'm sure.
(Aside, I've been in this fandom too long. I keep parsing the title as 'Horsewife'.)
Seven Word Review
People kill people with guns, a tragedy
(And done! With five minutes to spare :D)
People kill people with guns, a tragedy
(And done! With five minutes to spare :D)
>>horizon
No, no, I actually got sick and slept through the entire writing period. I actually came back to check on this fic thinking the exact same thing.
I agree that the accusation was deserved though. I think it says a lot that this is something I'd have written to prove the point again. That it continues to prove that point I no longer wish to see made is... distressing me greatly.
No, no, I actually got sick and slept through the entire writing period. I actually came back to check on this fic thinking the exact same thing.
I agree that the accusation was deserved though. I think it says a lot that this is something I'd have written to prove the point again. That it continues to prove that point I no longer wish to see made is... distressing me greatly.
Still ended up being in my top three favourites, like Reuben Night, I'm surprised to see both so low in the final results.
I'm glad Sit In got first to make up for it though. Congratulations on two in the time period.
I'm glad Sit In got first to make up for it though. Congratulations on two in the time period.
I'd change the guy's first description of the sandwich to something that could work as both a sandwich and an eclair. I don't know anyone who puts avocado on an eclair... but maybe that's just me.
Congrats to our winners:
And thanks, folks. This is my second "most controversial," I think. Ah, poetry. So divisive! :)
As I say somewhere on the first page of these discussions, after seeing the prompt, I was going to sit this round out, but then my mind started fixating on the difference between "savory"--such as most sandwiches are--and "sweet"--such as, say, doughnuts are. The idea of being forced to eat sweet when all one wants is savory got sillier and more overblown as I thought about it, and since I'd spent the month of July writing a bunch of poetry including 101 limericks for a contest Zoetic Press was sponsoring, I still had anapests on the brain.
The rest followed rather naturally. I'll definitely be overhauling the thing before I submit it to the journal of the Science-fiction and Fantasy Poetry Association...
Mike
And thanks, folks. This is my second "most controversial," I think. Ah, poetry. So divisive! :)
As I say somewhere on the first page of these discussions, after seeing the prompt, I was going to sit this round out, but then my mind started fixating on the difference between "savory"--such as most sandwiches are--and "sweet"--such as, say, doughnuts are. The idea of being forced to eat sweet when all one wants is savory got sillier and more overblown as I thought about it, and since I'd spent the month of July writing a bunch of poetry including 101 limericks for a contest Zoetic Press was sponsoring, I still had anapests on the brain.
The rest followed rather naturally. I'll definitely be overhauling the thing before I submit it to the journal of the Science-fiction and Fantasy Poetry Association...
Mike
>>Not_A_Hat
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>georg
>>Baal Bunny
>>billymorph
Thanks to all for your reviews and for liking this fic. Your feedback was so positive I actually expected the story to fare better. But I’m already so pleased it made it to the finals, I can’t whine. That was a wonderful experience, thanks so much.
Briefly, the story was inspired by a Jacques Prévert’s poem called « La Grasse Matinée » (Oversleeping) which you can find a translation here, accompanied by the original French text. One of the best reading/singing of this poem is here, though the version I’m acquainted with is still better (but nowhere to be found on the net). I used to listen to this poem when I was younger and could never forget it.
The dystopian set-up is not really a post-Brexit UK, but originally the poem was written in the wake of WW2's end, so that would rather be a post-World War UK. I hope it won’t turn out to be an accurate description of the post-Brexit Britain, but sometimes I fear it could be.
It’s very hard for me to strike the right balance between atmosphere and plot. I like descriptions, but they eat up so much space in a MiniFic that not much is left for the plot itself. I agree with Hat and Zoey on the podcast when they say it would need a bit more room to breathe. Or alternatively, I should tone down the “run-down” of the environment and focus on the character. In any case I will chew your comments and advice, and hope to come back next round with a still better story! 😉
Thanks again!
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>georg
>>Baal Bunny
>>billymorph
Thanks to all for your reviews and for liking this fic. Your feedback was so positive I actually expected the story to fare better. But I’m already so pleased it made it to the finals, I can’t whine. That was a wonderful experience, thanks so much.
Briefly, the story was inspired by a Jacques Prévert’s poem called « La Grasse Matinée » (Oversleeping) which you can find a translation here, accompanied by the original French text. One of the best reading/singing of this poem is here, though the version I’m acquainted with is still better (but nowhere to be found on the net). I used to listen to this poem when I was younger and could never forget it.
The dystopian set-up is not really a post-Brexit UK, but originally the poem was written in the wake of WW2's end, so that would rather be a post-World War UK. I hope it won’t turn out to be an accurate description of the post-Brexit Britain, but sometimes I fear it could be.
It’s very hard for me to strike the right balance between atmosphere and plot. I like descriptions, but they eat up so much space in a MiniFic that not much is left for the plot itself. I agree with Hat and Zoey on the podcast when they say it would need a bit more room to breathe. Or alternatively, I should tone down the “run-down” of the environment and focus on the character. In any case I will chew your comments and advice, and hope to come back next round with a still better story! 😉
Thanks again!
Nobody Move was mine. (#5 place, yea!) It is based in an incident I’m going to have written into the middle of Farmer Bruner Has Some Ponies, a EiH story in development. It will be based on an incident where Claire (one of the POV characters) is involved in an attempted robbery. Concealed Carry is fairly popular in this area of the country, and armed robbery (for some reason) not so much.
Sometimes, the sheer density of guns in Kansas is a little overwhelming for the anti-gun crowd, particularly in Lawrence (KU). Considering that every rural high school in the state nearly becomes depopulated during the first days of deer/quail/pheasant season, and that the most popular woodworking project in our high school shop is still custom walnut stocks for hunting rifles/shotguns, guns are a normal thing to grow up around. Four or five guns in a household is not an armory, it’s a good starter on a normal collection. Even back in the ‘80s when I went to college, there were several people that I knew of who carried concealed on campus. Illegal, yes. Practical when walking through a dark campus on the way back to the dorms, certainly. Still going on today, absolutely. Kept very quiet by the people who are doing it, certainly.
Something to consider when writing about guns what happens to the bullets after they’re fired. For you technogunnerds, Claire is carrying a 9mm Ruger Lightweight Compact Revolver in a Sneaky Pete holster, but still, even with P+ hollow points, it beats the FBI standard for penetration of 12-15 inches. A non-center of mass shot will blow right through with enough energy to do serious damage to whatever is behind the target. Thankfully for the last round, it was the floor. And the perp. Now the *other* 2-3 shots that hit him were roughly center-of-mass, and if they do exit, they’re not going to kill anybody except in very bad-luck circumstances.
At 15 feet at the gun range, this pistol can turn out five inch groups. Since the robber just pistol-whipped the POV character, then turned his back to point his gun at the cash register attendant, he’s a lot closer BUT a few quick Google searches can give you several Cop/Perp shootouts at roughly the same range where *both* sides emptied their guns and did not lethally hit each other. Between adrenaline, distractions, jerking the shot, the New York mandated police 12 pound pull trigger, and just plain dumb luck, weird stuff happens. Still, getting 3-4 shots out of 5 onto the target in that situation is pretty good, and better than a lot of police shootings.
Link to the Hickock45 review of the LCR9
However… simply carrying a gun is not an answer unless the question is “How can I wind up shooting myself or somebody else by accident?” A responsible gun owner is familiar with their weapons, does NOT treat them casually, follows the four rules of gun safety, and practices with them regularly. A quality gun safe is a must in any house with small (under 21) children. Please don’t store your guns like the elderly couple our 4-H group was doing estate auction assistance with (they had gone into a retirement home) and put them behind the refrigerator and loose under the bed. (looks back) Ok, enough ranting.
Comments:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr - Thank you very much for your kind words.
>>bloons3 - There were a couple darker ones, including #1 Sit-In, which featured global thermonuclear war, but yes, there were a lot of weapons and fatalities in this writeoff.
>>ZaidValRoa - Shock has a way of making you feel about two feet behind and above your body with everything around you being dull and featureless. In police shootings, it can take two days for a witness to remember all of the details (discounting false memories and subtle promptings, of course).
>>Monokeras - It is said a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. Some of the most ardent concealed carry advocates are members of standard liberal groups who have suffered an assault of some sort, only to discover restraining orders and 911 calls have little influence on a violent offender. Pink Pistols are a good example. Even Bernie Sanders is quite pro-gun.
>>Not_A_Hat - During a sudden unexpected event, people can ‘twig’ on the strangest things because of the adrenaline surge. We watch TV and movies, which gives us a sense of ‘the way things are supposed to go’ whenever something we have not experienced before happens to us. More people have been killed by trains because they just stand there and lock up like a deer in the headlights.
>>TheCyanRecluse - Welcome fellow gun enthusiast. My objective with this *was* to emotionally involve the reader just as deeply into the POV character as possible while still using Third Person Past Tense.
>>billymorph - People killing people with guns is a tragedy. People killing violent criminals, not so much.
>>horizon - Winston Churchill said, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” I tried my best to start out as normal as I could so the shock of the robbery would be greater. As before, a liberal political point of view does not preclude a person from taking a practical stand when it comes to protecting their own life. The number of women at our gun range is almost at parity with men, because God made man, but Sam Colt made them equal (bad paraphrase, but you get what I’m saying)
And here we hit the lawyers. Ain’t this fun.
Massad Ayoob states it best when he explains, “Deadly force is justified only when undertaken to prevent imminent and otherwise unavoidable danger of death or grave bodily harm to the innocent.”
US gun laws are a patchwork mess. In roughly 20 states, what Claire did is perfectly legal. She used lethal force on a violent criminal who was in the act of committing a crime to prevent somebody else from getting shot. In Texas, for example, the police will most probably nod and comment about her shot placement, and that she should consider getting a larger carry weapon. In some other states, her actions are problematical, as she was not being *directly* threatened at the time of her first shot. In some of those states, she might be charged, possibly even convicted of manslaughter if she gets an aggressive district attorney, a bad lawyer, and a gullible jury.
In a few very select states (New Jersey, for example), she would wind up in court and prosecuted. If she was really smart and got a lawyer before talking to the police, she might get out of it with a warning or probation, but the perp’s family will promptly sue, and might even win since they only need ⅔ of the jury to vote in their favor, and a long string of wailing relatives detailing the poor child’s recent conversion to the priesthood and impending sainthood will certainly line up at the witness stand.
If you’re in *any* state, after identifying yourself to the police by producing identification and complying with their orders to turn over the weapon (probably not in that order), you should promptly demand to speak with your lawyer, and not to speak with the police until the lawyer shows up (and not then either.)
In short, try not to shoot anybody unless you have to. And if you do, get your lawyer immediately.
Sometimes, the sheer density of guns in Kansas is a little overwhelming for the anti-gun crowd, particularly in Lawrence (KU). Considering that every rural high school in the state nearly becomes depopulated during the first days of deer/quail/pheasant season, and that the most popular woodworking project in our high school shop is still custom walnut stocks for hunting rifles/shotguns, guns are a normal thing to grow up around. Four or five guns in a household is not an armory, it’s a good starter on a normal collection. Even back in the ‘80s when I went to college, there were several people that I knew of who carried concealed on campus. Illegal, yes. Practical when walking through a dark campus on the way back to the dorms, certainly. Still going on today, absolutely. Kept very quiet by the people who are doing it, certainly.
Something to consider when writing about guns what happens to the bullets after they’re fired. For you technogunnerds, Claire is carrying a 9mm Ruger Lightweight Compact Revolver in a Sneaky Pete holster, but still, even with P+ hollow points, it beats the FBI standard for penetration of 12-15 inches. A non-center of mass shot will blow right through with enough energy to do serious damage to whatever is behind the target. Thankfully for the last round, it was the floor. And the perp. Now the *other* 2-3 shots that hit him were roughly center-of-mass, and if they do exit, they’re not going to kill anybody except in very bad-luck circumstances.
At 15 feet at the gun range, this pistol can turn out five inch groups. Since the robber just pistol-whipped the POV character, then turned his back to point his gun at the cash register attendant, he’s a lot closer BUT a few quick Google searches can give you several Cop/Perp shootouts at roughly the same range where *both* sides emptied their guns and did not lethally hit each other. Between adrenaline, distractions, jerking the shot, the New York mandated police 12 pound pull trigger, and just plain dumb luck, weird stuff happens. Still, getting 3-4 shots out of 5 onto the target in that situation is pretty good, and better than a lot of police shootings.
Link to the Hickock45 review of the LCR9
However… simply carrying a gun is not an answer unless the question is “How can I wind up shooting myself or somebody else by accident?” A responsible gun owner is familiar with their weapons, does NOT treat them casually, follows the four rules of gun safety, and practices with them regularly. A quality gun safe is a must in any house with small (under 21) children. Please don’t store your guns like the elderly couple our 4-H group was doing estate auction assistance with (they had gone into a retirement home) and put them behind the refrigerator and loose under the bed. (looks back) Ok, enough ranting.
Comments:
>>Ceffyl_Dwr - Thank you very much for your kind words.
>>bloons3 - There were a couple darker ones, including #1 Sit-In, which featured global thermonuclear war, but yes, there were a lot of weapons and fatalities in this writeoff.
>>ZaidValRoa - Shock has a way of making you feel about two feet behind and above your body with everything around you being dull and featureless. In police shootings, it can take two days for a witness to remember all of the details (discounting false memories and subtle promptings, of course).
>>Monokeras - It is said a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged. Some of the most ardent concealed carry advocates are members of standard liberal groups who have suffered an assault of some sort, only to discover restraining orders and 911 calls have little influence on a violent offender. Pink Pistols are a good example. Even Bernie Sanders is quite pro-gun.
>>Not_A_Hat - During a sudden unexpected event, people can ‘twig’ on the strangest things because of the adrenaline surge. We watch TV and movies, which gives us a sense of ‘the way things are supposed to go’ whenever something we have not experienced before happens to us. More people have been killed by trains because they just stand there and lock up like a deer in the headlights.
>>TheCyanRecluse - Welcome fellow gun enthusiast. My objective with this *was* to emotionally involve the reader just as deeply into the POV character as possible while still using Third Person Past Tense.
>>billymorph - People killing people with guns is a tragedy. People killing violent criminals, not so much.
>>horizon - Winston Churchill said, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” I tried my best to start out as normal as I could so the shock of the robbery would be greater. As before, a liberal political point of view does not preclude a person from taking a practical stand when it comes to protecting their own life. The number of women at our gun range is almost at parity with men, because God made man, but Sam Colt made them equal (bad paraphrase, but you get what I’m saying)
And here we hit the lawyers. Ain’t this fun.
Massad Ayoob states it best when he explains, “Deadly force is justified only when undertaken to prevent imminent and otherwise unavoidable danger of death or grave bodily harm to the innocent.”
US gun laws are a patchwork mess. In roughly 20 states, what Claire did is perfectly legal. She used lethal force on a violent criminal who was in the act of committing a crime to prevent somebody else from getting shot. In Texas, for example, the police will most probably nod and comment about her shot placement, and that she should consider getting a larger carry weapon. In some other states, her actions are problematical, as she was not being *directly* threatened at the time of her first shot. In some of those states, she might be charged, possibly even convicted of manslaughter if she gets an aggressive district attorney, a bad lawyer, and a gullible jury.
In a few very select states (New Jersey, for example), she would wind up in court and prosecuted. If she was really smart and got a lawyer before talking to the police, she might get out of it with a warning or probation, but the perp’s family will promptly sue, and might even win since they only need ⅔ of the jury to vote in their favor, and a long string of wailing relatives detailing the poor child’s recent conversion to the priesthood and impending sainthood will certainly line up at the witness stand.
If you’re in *any* state, after identifying yourself to the police by producing identification and complying with their orders to turn over the weapon (probably not in that order), you should promptly demand to speak with your lawyer, and not to speak with the police until the lawyer shows up (and not then either.)
In short, try not to shoot anybody unless you have to. And if you do, get your lawyer immediately.
Hearty congratulations to the winners, but also to everyone who entered. Really enjoyed reading the stories this round.
Firstly, thanks very much to >>bloons3, >>Ratlab, >>Not_A_Hat, >>ZaidValRoa, >>Monokeras, >>Xepher, >>horizon, >>billymorph for your reviews and feedback during this round. You're always learning as a writer, and the type of critiques offered up go a long way to ensuring that I'm learning *good* practices, rather than squiffy ones.
I think it's fairly obvious where I took my starting point for this story from; there's no denying that it's an obvious and (depending on your tastes) bad pun, and one that a few others ran with to boot, but I make no bones about that. What I attempted to do (and succeeded/failed in achieving, depending on your perspective) was to try and take a really obvious spin on the prompt, but tell an original story with it. I was also looking to subvert the prompt somewhat too, though the word count curtailed my ability to do this as well as I had hoped.
So this is the tale of a witch who wants to escape the family trade of sand sculpting in a small, back-water tourist town, and whose desire to make sandwiches and other culinary delights was sparked by the discovery of a recipe book that had floated down from the Overworld. As well as attempting to deliver on the prompt, I also tried to shoehorn in an essence of the post-industrial rot that has blighted some parts of the UK, as well as the more lighthearted theme of attempting to do something other than what's expected of you. The original draft of this story was cancelled at around 1,000 words, and the version I submitted now was an attempt to condense these main themes into a 750 word story. This meant that the post-industrial rot was relegated to a few words here and there, and I think it lost some of its sharpness as a result.
Another perpetrator in the "too much going on in too few words" category was the number of characters present in the story. Believe me when I say there were a lot more originally, and that what you see before you is the result of some serious editing. I felt the remaining characters were necessary to the telling of the story, but can accept that their presence ate up some valuable words that would have been handy to have elsewhere.
What I also hoped to achieve with this effort was for it to read as a complete story. One of the critiques of my only previous Writeoff entry was that it felt like a scene attempting to tell a story, or that it read as more of a synopsis than something complete. Feedback seems to vary as to whether I achieved this successfully this time round, but I'm personally satisfied that I did. There is no getting away from the fact, however, that the word count stopped me developing aspects of the world as clearly as I would have liked. Some of you thought that what I did was sufficient, others didn't. Both views are valid.
Oh, bonus factoid time. The characters were named after beaches/coastal areas. Lul came from Lulworth Cove in Dorset, England, and Maen came from Porth Maenmelyn in Pembrokeshire, Wales.
Hopefully that covers everything. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I'm really chuffed that it ranked so high, as I intend to develop this as a full length piece of children's fiction, giving it the space it needs to breathe, and this served as a neat proof of concept.
Also, Mono:
That's my style in a nutshell, so I'm taking that as a lovely compliment.
See you all next time!
Where's My Sand, Witch?
Retrospective
Firstly, thanks very much to >>bloons3, >>Ratlab, >>Not_A_Hat, >>ZaidValRoa, >>Monokeras, >>Xepher, >>horizon, >>billymorph for your reviews and feedback during this round. You're always learning as a writer, and the type of critiques offered up go a long way to ensuring that I'm learning *good* practices, rather than squiffy ones.
I think it's fairly obvious where I took my starting point for this story from; there's no denying that it's an obvious and (depending on your tastes) bad pun, and one that a few others ran with to boot, but I make no bones about that. What I attempted to do (and succeeded/failed in achieving, depending on your perspective) was to try and take a really obvious spin on the prompt, but tell an original story with it. I was also looking to subvert the prompt somewhat too, though the word count curtailed my ability to do this as well as I had hoped.
So this is the tale of a witch who wants to escape the family trade of sand sculpting in a small, back-water tourist town, and whose desire to make sandwiches and other culinary delights was sparked by the discovery of a recipe book that had floated down from the Overworld. As well as attempting to deliver on the prompt, I also tried to shoehorn in an essence of the post-industrial rot that has blighted some parts of the UK, as well as the more lighthearted theme of attempting to do something other than what's expected of you. The original draft of this story was cancelled at around 1,000 words, and the version I submitted now was an attempt to condense these main themes into a 750 word story. This meant that the post-industrial rot was relegated to a few words here and there, and I think it lost some of its sharpness as a result.
Another perpetrator in the "too much going on in too few words" category was the number of characters present in the story. Believe me when I say there were a lot more originally, and that what you see before you is the result of some serious editing. I felt the remaining characters were necessary to the telling of the story, but can accept that their presence ate up some valuable words that would have been handy to have elsewhere.
What I also hoped to achieve with this effort was for it to read as a complete story. One of the critiques of my only previous Writeoff entry was that it felt like a scene attempting to tell a story, or that it read as more of a synopsis than something complete. Feedback seems to vary as to whether I achieved this successfully this time round, but I'm personally satisfied that I did. There is no getting away from the fact, however, that the word count stopped me developing aspects of the world as clearly as I would have liked. Some of you thought that what I did was sufficient, others didn't. Both views are valid.
Oh, bonus factoid time. The characters were named after beaches/coastal areas. Lul came from Lulworth Cove in Dorset, England, and Maen came from Porth Maenmelyn in Pembrokeshire, Wales.
Hopefully that covers everything. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I'm really chuffed that it ranked so high, as I intend to develop this as a full length piece of children's fiction, giving it the space it needs to breathe, and this served as a neat proof of concept.
Also, Mono:
But, like the house built of common materials, this story is still nicely done. The cement and putty are neatly applied and the result is smooth and enjoyable to read. It doesn’t reach for the stars, but does well within its own purview.
Tl;dr: A solid journeyman’s work.
That's my style in a nutshell, so I'm taking that as a lovely compliment.
See you all next time!
This is the best I've done in a writeoff so far. Yay for progress!
>>billymorph
>>Icenrose
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Ratlab
It was a fun experience, and I feel I've learned a little bit. Do you know what wasn't fun? Checking halfway through writing to see if I was getting close to the word limit and realising I had already gone beyond it and having to scramble to condense what I already had written and wrapping it up.
Still, that doesn't change I had a blast participating and will make an effort to keep delivering better stories in future events.
Just to make sure everything is clear, the story deals with a girl who had a falling out with her family, and they drift apart. Once her father dies, she attends the funeral while still conflicted about the whole ordeal. She latched onto the fact that the family's offering food to the people who came as though that was the reason she came and not because she's devastated about her dad's death.
Silly, perhaps, but better than the excuse for a title drop I also wrote.
Anyway, regarding the actual criticisms:
Yeah, I had to cut a few of Sarah's reactions due to going overboard with the wordcount. I originally had a few more lines of her sitting wistfully while trying not to be sad and avoiding everyone's stares.
My bad.
With the benefit of hindsight, the opening paragraph and setting scene probably wasn't the best place to cut out sentences to diminish the wordcount. I guess at the moment I didn't think it would make such a difference, since I was trying to focus more on Sarah's feeling of isolation and wanting to be somewhere else, the actual place wasn't as important as to why she was there and even more so her desire to not be there. But I see how failing to better establish the context for the scene could lead to confusion, you're definitely correct with that interpretation.
Duly noted.
Yeah... Maybe I should have made Jamie be Sarah's sister, instead. Seeing how I also had to cut another line of dialogue between them, the confusion was probably justified.
I should have tried to be more clear with their relationship, I've more than enough ambiguity throughout the story, after all.
The "I didn't mean to hurt him" does sound more melodramatic than intended, now that you mention it. It's meant to be about the part about having plans that won't let you stay long in your own dad's funeral, but I can see how it'd line up with your interpretation of the story.
I think it may be up to local customs and family tradition. Maybe avocado sandwiches are a bit too much, though.
I'll blame the failings of this story on my sub-par editing, if only to salvage my fragile ego. Once again, thanks a bunch to all of you. Your comments meant a lot to me, and I'll be sure to deliver an even better story in the following events.
Cheers!
>>billymorph
>>Icenrose
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Ratlab
It was a fun experience, and I feel I've learned a little bit. Do you know what wasn't fun? Checking halfway through writing to see if I was getting close to the word limit and realising I had already gone beyond it and having to scramble to condense what I already had written and wrapping it up.
Still, that doesn't change I had a blast participating and will make an effort to keep delivering better stories in future events.
Just to make sure everything is clear, the story deals with a girl who had a falling out with her family, and they drift apart. Once her father dies, she attends the funeral while still conflicted about the whole ordeal. She latched onto the fact that the family's offering food to the people who came as though that was the reason she came and not because she's devastated about her dad's death.
Silly, perhaps, but better than the excuse for a title drop I also wrote.
Anyway, regarding the actual criticisms:
It was too subtle for me at times; her reaction at the end was a little surprising. Given the detail of the body language, the description of the surroundings was sparse. Possibly intentionally. You might consider using the other senses more.
Yeah, I had to cut a few of Sarah's reactions due to going overboard with the wordcount. I originally had a few more lines of her sitting wistfully while trying not to be sad and avoiding everyone's stares.
My bad.
On the first time through, a lot of the things like "I omitted the here" make zero sense, as we've not been told where we are at all.
With the benefit of hindsight, the opening paragraph and setting scene probably wasn't the best place to cut out sentences to diminish the wordcount. I guess at the moment I didn't think it would make such a difference, since I was trying to focus more on Sarah's feeling of isolation and wanting to be somewhere else, the actual place wasn't as important as to why she was there and even more so her desire to not be there. But I see how failing to better establish the context for the scene could lead to confusion, you're definitely correct with that interpretation.
Duly noted.
There's also some confusion with the pronoun "he."
Yeah... Maybe I should have made Jamie be Sarah's sister, instead. Seeing how I also had to cut another line of dialogue between them, the confusion was probably justified.
I should have tried to be more clear with their relationship, I've more than enough ambiguity throughout the story, after all.
for the vast majority of the story I was reading about a woman confronting the ex who still loves her at some event like a class reunion.
The "I didn't mean to hurt him" does sound more melodramatic than intended, now that you mention it. It's meant to be about the part about having plans that won't let you stay long in your own dad's funeral, but I can see how it'd line up with your interpretation of the story.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me.
I think it may be up to local customs and family tradition. Maybe avocado sandwiches are a bit too much, though.
I'll blame the failings of this story on my sub-par editing, if only to salvage my fragile ego. Once again, thanks a bunch to all of you. Your comments meant a lot to me, and I'll be sure to deliver an even better story in the following events.
Cheers!
Congratulations to our medalists (and to our finalists in general, it was a hard and interesting round).
Thanks for all the feedback everyone. Reactions were all pretty much as expected, as this was only ever meant to be short and sweet, and it seemed to land as such for most. Exceptions below. :-)
>>horizon
>>MrNumbers
So, I actually disliked this prompt... a LOT. When it won, I was actually thinking we must have some Rabid Puppies sort of thing going on. (Then again, I'm prone to think the same thing about national politics lately as well.) The only way I could've been more annoyed by it is if it was literally "A Glass Case of Ot."
That said, I decided to take it as a challenge to actually write to the prompt and NOT some weakened form of it. I definitely wasn't trying to make a point about "empty fluff" being winning material, though I'll agree the story is basically that. I was simply the only thing I could come up with that was actually on prompt and not depressing, as I imagined (correctly) that we'd have a lot of dark and sad tales.
I'm personally worn out with sad/dark stories in these contests, as I feel it's far easier, given a short word count, to make a story feel "deep" by evoking negative emotions. Not that I haven't enjoyed plenty of sad stories (and written a few), but it wasn't what I was in the mood to write (or read), and my muse wasn't up to the task of putting serious meaning into only 750 words without going dark. So fluff it is.
>>horizon
>>MrNumbers
So, I actually disliked this prompt... a LOT. When it won, I was actually thinking we must have some Rabid Puppies sort of thing going on. (Then again, I'm prone to think the same thing about national politics lately as well.) The only way I could've been more annoyed by it is if it was literally "A Glass Case of Ot."
That said, I decided to take it as a challenge to actually write to the prompt and NOT some weakened form of it. I definitely wasn't trying to make a point about "empty fluff" being winning material, though I'll agree the story is basically that. I was simply the only thing I could come up with that was actually on prompt and not depressing, as I imagined (correctly) that we'd have a lot of dark and sad tales.
I'm personally worn out with sad/dark stories in these contests, as I feel it's far easier, given a short word count, to make a story feel "deep" by evoking negative emotions. Not that I haven't enjoyed plenty of sad stories (and written a few), but it wasn't what I was in the mood to write (or read), and my muse wasn't up to the task of putting serious meaning into only 750 words without going dark. So fluff it is.
I'm sleepy.
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>georg
>>Monokeras
Thanks for feedback. I disliked this prompt a lot and wrote what I felt like instead with some tenuous connection about ham.
>>horizon
I found that you read the story with a drastically different tone than I had intended, which adds a whole new dynamic to the story I find interesting.
To explain things: the alternative story title for this would be "It's a Real Story Guys, I Promise!" which essentially is a deconstructionist parody of commonplace narrative structures and is written with the intention to have a complete character arc despite being a mini-fic. It is sort a pastiche of hackneyed sit-com writing stripped of its veneer that disguises its characters as humans as opposed to plot objects and riffs in general about low-budget television, cliches, etcetera.
The original idea I had for writing this was "What if a bunch of network executives tried to write a show?" The answer would be a low-budget, transparently functional mess, involving the worst or most apathetic actors available. It's a very absurdist piece and I didn't expect it to go down easily for most people.
I'm still surprised this story made it to the finals at all given the circumstances.
I'm tired.
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>georg
>>Monokeras
Thanks for feedback. I disliked this prompt a lot and wrote what I felt like instead with some tenuous connection about ham.
>>horizon
I found that you read the story with a drastically different tone than I had intended, which adds a whole new dynamic to the story I find interesting.
To explain things: the alternative story title for this would be "It's a Real Story Guys, I Promise!" which essentially is a deconstructionist parody of commonplace narrative structures and is written with the intention to have a complete character arc despite being a mini-fic. It is sort a pastiche of hackneyed sit-com writing stripped of its veneer that disguises its characters as humans as opposed to plot objects and riffs in general about low-budget television, cliches, etcetera.
The original idea I had for writing this was "What if a bunch of network executives tried to write a show?" The answer would be a low-budget, transparently functional mess, involving the worst or most apathetic actors available. It's a very absurdist piece and I didn't expect it to go down easily for most people.
I'm still surprised this story made it to the finals at all given the circumstances.
I'm tired.
Retrospective: Reuben Night
The idea for this one was just me trying to figure out the most interesting way to deny someone a sandwich. I remembered watching some Discovery Channel documentaries as a kid about how weight is such an important factor in any space mission, so I threw together some freshman-year physics and tried to make it sound plausible. Unfortunately, I think it's pretty clear that a lot of you guys have a much better knack for figuring out this kind of stuff than I do. I played fast and loose with the math, and I guess it shows. :twilightblush: Which is a shame, because I love reading hard sci-fi, but it looks like writing it is going to be out of my reach for now.
Sue Church, Captain Zhang, and Washington Station are actually all from my scrapped entry for "The Killing Machine" OF Short Story round a couple of months back. I'm pretty sure the 7000 word draft I wrote for that will never see the light of day just because I have no idea what I was even going for with it, so cannibalizing its ideas and characters seems like the next best thing.
Anways, thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate the insight into what did and didn't work in this one.
And as a bonus for you guys, here's some trivia about the writing process behind this one:
-- For some reason, I thought half a G was 4.5 m/s*s. This skewed my figures accordingly.
-- I found a site quoting the cost of 99.994% deuterium oxide at $7520/kilo, but considering what a paltry sum that was, I handwaved it in favor of a bigger number. The in-universe explanation is that the deuterium needs to be a lot purer to work in the engines.
-- I actually didn't intend for Washington Station to be their destination; in my head Church brings it up just as a point of reference. But I totally understand why everyone thought it was where these guys are heading. I need to work on my dialogue. :P
-- MaPCon stands for "Magnetic Plasma Containment", which is loosely describes some theoretical fusion engine designs I read about as research for the scrapped Short Story entry.
-- The two characters' names are actually a spur-of-the-moment reference to a certain sci-fi comedy webseries that I've been watching since middle school. Yes, my taste in entertainment is that bad. :P
The idea for this one was just me trying to figure out the most interesting way to deny someone a sandwich. I remembered watching some Discovery Channel documentaries as a kid about how weight is such an important factor in any space mission, so I threw together some freshman-year physics and tried to make it sound plausible. Unfortunately, I think it's pretty clear that a lot of you guys have a much better knack for figuring out this kind of stuff than I do. I played fast and loose with the math, and I guess it shows. :twilightblush: Which is a shame, because I love reading hard sci-fi, but it looks like writing it is going to be out of my reach for now.
Sue Church, Captain Zhang, and Washington Station are actually all from my scrapped entry for "The Killing Machine" OF Short Story round a couple of months back. I'm pretty sure the 7000 word draft I wrote for that will never see the light of day just because I have no idea what I was even going for with it, so cannibalizing its ideas and characters seems like the next best thing.
Anways, thanks for all the comments! I really appreciate the insight into what did and didn't work in this one.
And as a bonus for you guys, here's some trivia about the writing process behind this one:
-- For some reason, I thought half a G was 4.5 m/s*s. This skewed my figures accordingly.
-- I found a site quoting the cost of 99.994% deuterium oxide at $7520/kilo, but considering what a paltry sum that was, I handwaved it in favor of a bigger number. The in-universe explanation is that the deuterium needs to be a lot purer to work in the engines.
-- I actually didn't intend for Washington Station to be their destination; in my head Church brings it up just as a point of reference. But I totally understand why everyone thought it was where these guys are heading. I need to work on my dialogue. :P
-- MaPCon stands for "Magnetic Plasma Containment", which is loosely describes some theoretical fusion engine designs I read about as research for the scrapped Short Story entry.
-- The two characters' names are actually a spur-of-the-moment reference to a certain sci-fi comedy webseries that I've been watching since middle school. Yes, my taste in entertainment is that bad. :P
>>Bachiavellian
Actually it is: g = 9.8 m•s⁻².
Containment or confinement? :P
Yeah, I know, nitpicking 😜
For some reason, I thought half a G was 4.5 m/s*s. This skewed my figures accordingly.
Actually it is: g = 9.8 m•s⁻².
MaPCon stands for "Magnetic Plasma Containment"
Containment or confinement? :P
Yeah, I know, nitpicking 😜
>>Monokeras
I was still 0.4 m/s*s off! That makes a bit of a difference, I think!
And I suppose neither containment nor confinement would be technically appropriate, since the concept isn't about preventing radioactive leakage. Rather, it's about inducing fusion of non-radioactive plasma using magnetic fields. So I guess, "compression" would work if I changed the acronym to MaPCom? Unless that also has a technical definition in this context.
I was still 0.4 m/s*s off! That makes a bit of a difference, I think!
And I suppose neither containment nor confinement would be technically appropriate, since the concept isn't about preventing radioactive leakage. Rather, it's about inducing fusion of non-radioactive plasma using magnetic fields. So I guess, "compression" would work if I changed the acronym to MaPCom? Unless that also has a technical definition in this context.
Boop, incoming unrequested self-promotion at the end of a contest I skipped.
My darksadfic sequel to TKatK is now done. There.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/278197/ashes
And the first vote following the posting of the final two chapters is a downvote! :pinkiehappy: So maybe it's terrible? I can never tell.
I do put too much bucking math into my stories, though.
My darksadfic sequel to TKatK is now done. There.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/278197/ashes
And the first vote following the posting of the final two chapters is a downvote! :pinkiehappy: So maybe it's terrible? I can never tell.
I do put too much bucking math into my stories, though.
My Kingdom for a Snack:
>>Not_A_Hat >>georg >>Monokeras >>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you kindly for your all your insights and thoughts; they were quite enlightening. There seems to be a general consensus as to the age of the child being inconsistent, so I'll make a note to clean that up, should I ever revisit this story in the future.
>>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny
Thank you for your specific suggestions. You raise some good points.
>>horizon
... brb, rewriting the story.
>>billymorph
Thanks for comment, but latter half unclear
>>Not_A_Hat >>georg >>Monokeras >>TheCyanRecluse
Thank you kindly for your all your insights and thoughts; they were quite enlightening. There seems to be a general consensus as to the age of the child being inconsistent, so I'll make a note to clean that up, should I ever revisit this story in the future.
>>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Baal Bunny
Thank you for your specific suggestions. You raise some good points.
>>horizon
king reacting thoughtfully to what felt like a sick burn
... brb, rewriting the story.
>>billymorph
Thanks for comment, but latter half unclear
Two Messages:
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towardsMount Riverbend the road I live off of.)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
how much substance was sacrificed in name of style
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towards
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!
He Kindly Stopped for Me: ( With apologies to Emily Dickinson )
>>Orbiting_kettle >>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Ratlab >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Xepher
Consensus seems to be: more words, refinement of death montage, general heavy sanding. Possibly stronger utilization of the characters. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
>>billymorph
Life is pain; I long for oblivion
Good job, all! This was a rather tricky prompt, and the variety and quality of stories that were submitted were, as always, quite impressive.
>>Orbiting_kettle >>ZaidValRoa >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Ratlab >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Xepher
Consensus seems to be: more words, refinement of death montage, general heavy sanding. Possibly stronger utilization of the characters. Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.
>>billymorph
Life is pain; I long for oblivion
Good job, all! This was a rather tricky prompt, and the variety and quality of stories that were submitted were, as always, quite impressive.
Hmm, the only one of the medalists that didn't end up on my slate. Just read it now, and I like it. I complained (a bit) in comments on my own entry (which was accused, rightfully, of being "fluff") that two many entries were dark, and this did the happy/encouraging ending with more weight than I pulled off. Definitely deserved to beat my story!
>>Bachiavellian
Not so much I think.
Precisely, you create a bottle of plasma — for me it’s confinement, since the plasma tends to break the barriers of the magnetic fields. It pushes constantly on the “virtual” sides of your magnetic box. Besides, I’m not sure you can actually kindle the fusion reaction with magnetic fields alone (remember magnetic fields never accelerate, they merely deviate particles). You have to use an external source of heat (but I would have to check on the Tokamak principles again).
I was still 0.4 m/s*s off! That makes a bit of a difference, I think!
Not so much I think.
And I suppose neither containment nor confinement would be technically appropriate, since the concept isn't about preventing radioactive leakage. Rather, it's about inducing fusion of non-radioactive plasma using magnetic fields. So I guess, "compression" would work if I changed the acronym to MaPCom? Unless that also has a technical definition in this context.
Precisely, you create a bottle of plasma — for me it’s confinement, since the plasma tends to break the barriers of the magnetic fields. It pushes constantly on the “virtual” sides of your magnetic box. Besides, I’m not sure you can actually kindle the fusion reaction with magnetic fields alone (remember magnetic fields never accelerate, they merely deviate particles). You have to use an external source of heat (but I would have to check on the Tokamak principles again).
>>Bachiavellian
I should really apologise for the physics dump. It's not that I wanted to discourage you writing these kinds of stories, its more of a warning that for hard sci-fi there's always someone who checks the maths. The key I've found in hardish science stories is always to leave numbers vague enough that no-one can run them through a spreadsheet. Or if you use the numbers, make sure the person with the spreadsheet was you.
That might sound like a bad thing if you're not very scientific, but the good news is, paradoxically, rocket science is actually one of the easier sciences for an author to wrap their head around. Not because its particularly simple, as some of the equations would make quantum physicists scratch their heads, but because its more or less solved. If you're writing about anything in the solar systems and with anything that resembles a realistic engine there exists long libraries of precise equations covering that situation, often with lengthy explanations and even discussions as to relative merits. In many cases its not a matter of too little, but almost so much that it's hard to tell what's important.
Which is a shame, because I love reading hard sci-fi, but it looks like writing it is going to be out of my reach for now.
I should really apologise for the physics dump. It's not that I wanted to discourage you writing these kinds of stories, its more of a warning that for hard sci-fi there's always someone who checks the maths. The key I've found in hardish science stories is always to leave numbers vague enough that no-one can run them through a spreadsheet. Or if you use the numbers, make sure the person with the spreadsheet was you.
That might sound like a bad thing if you're not very scientific, but the good news is, paradoxically, rocket science is actually one of the easier sciences for an author to wrap their head around. Not because its particularly simple, as some of the equations would make quantum physicists scratch their heads, but because its more or less solved. If you're writing about anything in the solar systems and with anything that resembles a realistic engine there exists long libraries of precise equations covering that situation, often with lengthy explanations and even discussions as to relative merits. In many cases its not a matter of too little, but almost so much that it's hard to tell what's important.
>>billymorph
No apology necessary at all! Like I said, I played fast and loose with the numbers and kinda just hoped it sounded plausible enough to pass. Comments like yours helped me figure out the kind of fact-checking process that happens inside a reader's head. It's been a good learning experience.
And don't be worried about discouraging me—there is a "for now" in that sentence for a reason, you know. :)
No apology necessary at all! Like I said, I played fast and loose with the numbers and kinda just hoped it sounded plausible enough to pass. Comments like yours helped me figure out the kind of fact-checking process that happens inside a reader's head. It's been a good learning experience.
And don't be worried about discouraging me—there is a "for now" in that sentence for a reason, you know. :)