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Early at Earl's
"Shit. Stop the drill!"
"But don't you want it open?"
"Shh! Just turn it off. There's someone outside."
"I told you we should've left the lights out."
"Shut up. You take hours with no lights."
"You're free to try kick the safe open like you did the front door."
"Quiet. He's close."
"Fucker's coming in."
"What do we do? Do we knock him out? We could get out through the kitchen."
"Shut it!"
"Hello? Is anybody? Anybody here?"
"What is he doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Shh!"
"Is he seriously just sitting down there?"
"Shut it!"
"Hello? Could I order? I'd like to order, please?"
"Why would he? What do we do?"
"Oh fuck it! You drill quietly. I got this."
"Sir! Over here. I'll take your order."
"Ah. Thank you. Two, erm, I'd like one farmer's egg and cheese sandwich please."
"Sir, of course. I'll tell the kitchen team."
"Old fucker wants a sandwich. At 3 a.m."
"He won't leave quickly, will he? How do we get rid of him? The drill's almost through. What do we do?"
"Make him a sandwich."
"You sure? But I don't know, can we do that? What if-"
"Shush. Back there's the store room. Farmer's egg and cheese sandwich. Find some egg. Find some cheese. Find some bread. Use a pan. We got this."
"Sir, your sandwich's coming."
"Thank you, young man. Could you bring one, please, one bottle of wine as well? No, one glass only. Dry red please."
"Sir, of course. Be right back."
"Wine as well! Old fucker. You're cooking?"
"It shouldn't take more than a few minutes. The drill should be through by then, too. I saw a few bottles of wine in the store room."
"I'll find it."
"Sir. Your glass, and your wine."
"Thank you, young man."
"That all, Sir?"
"Yes. Yes, it's just.. When.. When I came in, young man, I couldn't help but notice your front door. Your front door's damaged."
"Really? Vandals! I'll write a note. We'll have it fixed. Damn kids."
"Language, young man. Weren't we all.. In our time we all were like that, weren't we?"
“I guess.”
"You can pick the farmer's egg and cheese sandwich up now."
"Sir, I'll get your sandwich."
"Old fucker's eating."
"What in the world is he doing here now?"
"Who cares. How's the safe?"
"The drill got through the lock. I just had a look at it, but maybe we should wait till the old man leaves?"
"The fuck? We fill our bags now."
"FUmmph"
"Keep it down! The old guy's still here. And don't bite me. It's not my fault."
"Where the fuck is the money?"
"I have no idea, it was empty when I looked through before I opened it."
"Fuck."
"Let's just pack up and leave out the back."
"Excuse me? Young man! I'd like to pay. Young man?"
"Shit. I'll go. You pack up. How much is this food stuff?"
"How would I know? What can it be? Ten Pounds?"
"That'll be fifteen Pounds, Sir."
"Do you not have a receipt, young man?"
"No. Sorry. Only during day shift."
"Ok. That's ok. I don't keep those anyway. Here please, take these two."
"Thanks. Did you enjoy your food, Sir?"
"Ghastly, the sandwich. Even more stale than usual. Still my wife, she would have liked it still."
"...?"
"It was just.. just to her taste. Thank you very much. Goodbye, young man."
"Goodbye, Sir."
"Completely nuts, I tell you. Old man was completely nuts."
"We were so lucky he was. He would have noticed something was off for sure."
"No one did. Fuck this town. And fuck those broke ass shops."
"We were so lucky we got out with no one noticing. And some money at least."
"Fuck all of that. Fuck wine too. Pass me another bottle."
"But don't you want it open?"
"Shh! Just turn it off. There's someone outside."
"I told you we should've left the lights out."
"Shut up. You take hours with no lights."
"You're free to try kick the safe open like you did the front door."
"Quiet. He's close."
"Fucker's coming in."
"What do we do? Do we knock him out? We could get out through the kitchen."
"Shut it!"
"Hello? Is anybody? Anybody here?"
"What is he doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Shh!"
"Is he seriously just sitting down there?"
"Shut it!"
"Hello? Could I order? I'd like to order, please?"
"Why would he? What do we do?"
"Oh fuck it! You drill quietly. I got this."
"Sir! Over here. I'll take your order."
"Ah. Thank you. Two, erm, I'd like one farmer's egg and cheese sandwich please."
"Sir, of course. I'll tell the kitchen team."
"Old fucker wants a sandwich. At 3 a.m."
"He won't leave quickly, will he? How do we get rid of him? The drill's almost through. What do we do?"
"Make him a sandwich."
"You sure? But I don't know, can we do that? What if-"
"Shush. Back there's the store room. Farmer's egg and cheese sandwich. Find some egg. Find some cheese. Find some bread. Use a pan. We got this."
"Sir, your sandwich's coming."
"Thank you, young man. Could you bring one, please, one bottle of wine as well? No, one glass only. Dry red please."
"Sir, of course. Be right back."
"Wine as well! Old fucker. You're cooking?"
"It shouldn't take more than a few minutes. The drill should be through by then, too. I saw a few bottles of wine in the store room."
"I'll find it."
"Sir. Your glass, and your wine."
"Thank you, young man."
"That all, Sir?"
"Yes. Yes, it's just.. When.. When I came in, young man, I couldn't help but notice your front door. Your front door's damaged."
"Really? Vandals! I'll write a note. We'll have it fixed. Damn kids."
"Language, young man. Weren't we all.. In our time we all were like that, weren't we?"
“I guess.”
"You can pick the farmer's egg and cheese sandwich up now."
"Sir, I'll get your sandwich."
"Old fucker's eating."
"What in the world is he doing here now?"
"Who cares. How's the safe?"
"The drill got through the lock. I just had a look at it, but maybe we should wait till the old man leaves?"
"The fuck? We fill our bags now."
"FUmmph"
"Keep it down! The old guy's still here. And don't bite me. It's not my fault."
"Where the fuck is the money?"
"I have no idea, it was empty when I looked through before I opened it."
"Fuck."
"Let's just pack up and leave out the back."
"Excuse me? Young man! I'd like to pay. Young man?"
"Shit. I'll go. You pack up. How much is this food stuff?"
"How would I know? What can it be? Ten Pounds?"
"That'll be fifteen Pounds, Sir."
"Do you not have a receipt, young man?"
"No. Sorry. Only during day shift."
"Ok. That's ok. I don't keep those anyway. Here please, take these two."
"Thanks. Did you enjoy your food, Sir?"
"Ghastly, the sandwich. Even more stale than usual. Still my wife, she would have liked it still."
"...?"
"It was just.. just to her taste. Thank you very much. Goodbye, young man."
"Goodbye, Sir."
"Completely nuts, I tell you. Old man was completely nuts."
"We were so lucky he was. He would have noticed something was off for sure."
"No one did. Fuck this town. And fuck those broke ass shops."
"We were so lucky we got out with no one noticing. And some money at least."
"Fuck all of that. Fuck wine too. Pass me another bottle."
Heh.
Well, all-dialogue is an interesting way to condense a story. It worked fairly well, since the scene-breaks kept us from having to deal with more than two characters at once. Rigid structures are good for keeping the audience clued in, and this one worked with them quite well.
I honestly found this more entertaining than the other comedy pieces I've read so far. Wacky and silly, but still interesting. Nice work!
Well, all-dialogue is an interesting way to condense a story. It worked fairly well, since the scene-breaks kept us from having to deal with more than two characters at once. Rigid structures are good for keeping the audience clued in, and this one worked with them quite well.
I honestly found this more entertaining than the other comedy pieces I've read so far. Wacky and silly, but still interesting. Nice work!
Y'know, flashlights are a thing that exist. Guess those two weren't too bright themselves.
To echo the previous thought, the story managed to carry itself through dialogue quite well and managed to paint a vivid picture without narration.
I wish there had been a bigger payoff to the involvement of the old man instead of just being a wrench in the duo's plan, though. It would have madre the story stand out much more.
Still, it was a nice read.
To echo the previous thought, the story managed to carry itself through dialogue quite well and managed to paint a vivid picture without narration.
I wish there had been a bigger payoff to the involvement of the old man instead of just being a wrench in the duo's plan, though. It would have madre the story stand out much more.
Still, it was a nice read.
It's even more important than usual to ensure that your characters have strong, defined voices when going for a dialogue-only approach, and I think you manage this pretty well, particularly in relation to the elderly man and his manner of speech. Nice work there. The style managed to carry the rest of the story well too, although the "...?" line kind of broke the spell weaved by the rest of the text. I can see why you used it, but I think there were perhaps other ways the response could have been captured that would have been more effective.
I think I also would have liked to have seen the final scene tie the two narratives together more strongly. As it is, the elderly man's story doesn't really mean anything. Maybe that's meant to be the point, but it didn't feel like a satisfying resolution.
A nice, fun read though. Thanks for sharing.
I think I also would have liked to have seen the final scene tie the two narratives together more strongly. As it is, the elderly man's story doesn't really mean anything. Maybe that's meant to be the point, but it didn't feel like a satisfying resolution.
A nice, fun read though. Thanks for sharing.
Okay. Another one that losing out on the pretenses of story structure. This one wasn't half bad. I quite enjoy the hidden conflict here. Even though I found that it in no way comes out to a satisfying ending to it. So summary short two robbers get away with stealing nothing but wine and snacks from a small town Sandwich shop. Robbers end up cursing and fool an old gentleman.
Soooo um. Traits? I don't have many to go form here.
NEAGTIVES
Description-This piece vaguely even uses describing the characters scenery or actions. It leaves me with a blank slate to even make a picture on.
Plot-I'm not really getting much form the plot here. Except the bad guys running into a snag and actually getting away with it, yet getting away with nothing. Though Wine bottles can go for 20-2000 dollars depending on what type of wine you buy. I'll admit that I'm sure that the bottles those two grabbed were of the cheaper variety.
POSITIVES
Entertainment-It's was pretty entertaining seeing the robbers go "OH S#$%!" and turning it all around. Though it would have been more fun if they had trouble in the kitchen. Or a couple of incidents with the customer asking what is going on. I swear that the time difference also seems to make this um...strangely ungenuine. The old man should have been sleeping and they could have easily said they were closed due to "door maintenance".
Intro-The introduction of two robbers and one older man getting in the way reminded me of "Home Alone" where the robbers would constantly find themselves in a nutshell thanks to one little annoyance. Now this story really didn't have that but it was a nice though and the hook really got to me. Now the ending though just didn't feel like it quite fit into. Becuase what you offer us is "bad" guys doing "bad" things and trying to get away with. The ending leaves us with no morals or lessons to go on making this feel very different from that of the movie.
I know my reviews have been getting shorter but only because the content I'm getting is rather strange. It's not bad just not what I've been expecting. Also I wanted to kick out more reviews anyway and see about helping people. Um I'm not gonna say it needs work because I see the potential here. you had a really good interesting idea that just needs hashing out. Keep the dialogue and focus on making a good structure around it.
Soooo um. Traits? I don't have many to go form here.
NEAGTIVES
Description-This piece vaguely even uses describing the characters scenery or actions. It leaves me with a blank slate to even make a picture on.
Plot-I'm not really getting much form the plot here. Except the bad guys running into a snag and actually getting away with it, yet getting away with nothing. Though Wine bottles can go for 20-2000 dollars depending on what type of wine you buy. I'll admit that I'm sure that the bottles those two grabbed were of the cheaper variety.
POSITIVES
Entertainment-It's was pretty entertaining seeing the robbers go "OH S#$%!" and turning it all around. Though it would have been more fun if they had trouble in the kitchen. Or a couple of incidents with the customer asking what is going on. I swear that the time difference also seems to make this um...strangely ungenuine. The old man should have been sleeping and they could have easily said they were closed due to "door maintenance".
Intro-The introduction of two robbers and one older man getting in the way reminded me of "Home Alone" where the robbers would constantly find themselves in a nutshell thanks to one little annoyance. Now this story really didn't have that but it was a nice though and the hook really got to me. Now the ending though just didn't feel like it quite fit into. Becuase what you offer us is "bad" guys doing "bad" things and trying to get away with. The ending leaves us with no morals or lessons to go on making this feel very different from that of the movie.
I know my reviews have been getting shorter but only because the content I'm getting is rather strange. It's not bad just not what I've been expecting. Also I wanted to kick out more reviews anyway and see about helping people. Um I'm not gonna say it needs work because I see the potential here. you had a really good interesting idea that just needs hashing out. Keep the dialogue and focus on making a good structure around it.
Early at Earls — A — First reaction: Lots of talkie, talkie.
(+) Nice job catching the action and emotions with only dialogue. That takes skill.
(-) I’m not sure if the old man is supposed to be something bigger in the story or if he’s just an old man. Leaves me with unanswered questions.
Weapons: Implied. Fatalities: None.
(+) Nice job catching the action and emotions with only dialogue. That takes skill.
(-) I’m not sure if the old man is supposed to be something bigger in the story or if he’s just an old man. Leaves me with unanswered questions.
Weapons: Implied. Fatalities: None.
I am not really sold on that one. The dialogue was fine but there are many points I found offbeat. First, we never really get to know who the characters are. Second we don't know why they choose to burglar a sandwich shop; I mean, that's not a bank, it's pretty uncommon restaurant have vaults. Third, why would that old cooter barge in at 3 AM asking for a sandwich? Fourth, why the hell did they chose to serve the guy rather than, say, knock him out? Sounded totally contrived to me.
Tl;dr: well written but too many oddities.
Tl;dr: well written but too many oddities.
An amusing hook to start with, having to pretend nothing is wrong during a robbery. But it doesn't do much for me beyond that. I wanted the old man to turn out to be a retired cop or something, and end up talking them into giving up a life of crime or something. His story, about eat a sandwich to remember his dead wife... so disconnected from the main plot line that I can't really credit it with being part of the same story.
Overall, fun hook, but doesn't do much with it.
Overall, fun hook, but doesn't do much with it.
