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Where's My Sand, Witch?
“No, you’ve got it all wrong.” Lul pushed strands of seaweed from her eyes and smiled reassuringly up at her customer. “It’s ‘sandwich shop’, not ‘sand witch shop’—Silent ‘t’, see?”
The skeleton looked at the sandwiches on Lul’s cart, sockets narrowed. “You stupid? Nobody eats around here. Now where’s my sand sculpture?”
Shame pricked Lul’s cheeks as she flicked her tail, conjuring a twisting edifice from the sand. “There you go,” she said thickly. “Good luck with the contest.”
Lul stared up at the muddy, sunless sky and wiped her eyes with a scaled hand. She hated this dumb tourist town and all the dumb, small-minded creatures who lived there. Who cared about the Annual Underworld Sand-garden competition anyway? What about what she wanted?
She clutched the book tightly to her chest and stared out to where the dull grey beach met the dull grey ocean. On the horizon, the gateway to the Overworld shimmered and twisted like it had the day the book washed ashore.
“I bet it's amazing there,” she whispered to the book. “It must be wonderful living somewhere where people want to try something new.”
Green flames licked the carcass of the Grökhog as Lul turned the spit. She checked the book again. Well, she had no idea what a ‘chicken’ was, but hopefully Grökhog was an okay substitute. A wonderful smell pressed at her nose from the nearby kiln: fresh bread and brimstone. It smelt like a dream.
A twig snapped and Lul looked round to see her father watching from the edge of the clearing. Ignoring the look in his eyes she held up a finished sandwich.
“Look, Pa. It’s called a cheese and sundried tomato sandwich. Wanna try some? The, uh, tomatoes aren’t sundried because we don’t have a sun here, but it should still taste great, right?”
All eight eyes blinked slowly, a strange colour in them that Lul couldn’t comprehend. Then he slowly clacked his mandibles.
“Come on, time for work.”
Lul watched him leave, then gazed at the sandwich. She took a bite but couldn’t taste anything.
Her eyes itched.
The next day she painted her cart in bright colours and pulled it to the beach. She neatly arranged the sandwiches by colour and size, and wore her best smile.
Nobody bought anything except sand, and everybody was noisy about the reasons why.
Lul kept smiling though, even when her mouth started to hurt.
“Hey Lul,” Maen’s voice boomed across the workshop on the beach. “Hear you’ve been freaking everyone out with your dumb food cart again.”
Lul’s magical grip on the miniature sand sculpture tightened as she glared at her brother. “It’s not dumb, Maen.”
Both mouths grinned. “No, but you must be. Food’s for idiots in the Overworld... Or those enchanted by them.”
“Maen.” Their father’s voice crashed against the tide.
“What? She’s a sand witch, Pa. Time she started acting like one.”
“You... I...” Lul swallowed. That was it. She snapped her tail and her sculpture disintegrated. “I don’t want to be one,” she hissed, her eyes burning. “Maybe I can do better than all this. Mom thought so.”
She ran home, far away from their expressions.
Lul pretended she was asleep when her father checked on her. Her hearts raced as she felt him pry the book from her fingers.
She heard the sound of pages being turned, and felt something in the air that weighed unpleasantly on her chest.
His fingers brushed hers for the longest time when he returned the book.
“The mayor gave my space away?”
The goblin shrugged as he unloaded his cart of dumb rock statues and other stupid tourist-town things.
“Yeah. Yer pa told ‘im you didn’t need it no more.”
Lul looked back at her packed cart, suddenly feeling stupid and tired. She kicked it, kicked it again. Then she ran down to the shore, her eyes burning, and tried to throw the book away, but the tide kept bringing it back.
When the storm finally carried her home, Lul found her father sitting at his work bench.
“How could you, Pa?” she growled, her chest sore. “I said I didn’t want to be a sand witch.”
He silenced her without moving, his eyes fixed on a square of paper on the bench. Eventually, a chitinous claw pushed it towards her. “And you won’t be,” he whispered.
Lul turned it over, and her breath caught.
The ticket to the Overworld shimmered in her hand.
The skeleton looked at the sandwiches on Lul’s cart, sockets narrowed. “You stupid? Nobody eats around here. Now where’s my sand sculpture?”
Shame pricked Lul’s cheeks as she flicked her tail, conjuring a twisting edifice from the sand. “There you go,” she said thickly. “Good luck with the contest.”
Lul stared up at the muddy, sunless sky and wiped her eyes with a scaled hand. She hated this dumb tourist town and all the dumb, small-minded creatures who lived there. Who cared about the Annual Underworld Sand-garden competition anyway? What about what she wanted?
She clutched the book tightly to her chest and stared out to where the dull grey beach met the dull grey ocean. On the horizon, the gateway to the Overworld shimmered and twisted like it had the day the book washed ashore.
“I bet it's amazing there,” she whispered to the book. “It must be wonderful living somewhere where people want to try something new.”
Green flames licked the carcass of the Grökhog as Lul turned the spit. She checked the book again. Well, she had no idea what a ‘chicken’ was, but hopefully Grökhog was an okay substitute. A wonderful smell pressed at her nose from the nearby kiln: fresh bread and brimstone. It smelt like a dream.
A twig snapped and Lul looked round to see her father watching from the edge of the clearing. Ignoring the look in his eyes she held up a finished sandwich.
“Look, Pa. It’s called a cheese and sundried tomato sandwich. Wanna try some? The, uh, tomatoes aren’t sundried because we don’t have a sun here, but it should still taste great, right?”
All eight eyes blinked slowly, a strange colour in them that Lul couldn’t comprehend. Then he slowly clacked his mandibles.
“Come on, time for work.”
Lul watched him leave, then gazed at the sandwich. She took a bite but couldn’t taste anything.
Her eyes itched.
The next day she painted her cart in bright colours and pulled it to the beach. She neatly arranged the sandwiches by colour and size, and wore her best smile.
Nobody bought anything except sand, and everybody was noisy about the reasons why.
Lul kept smiling though, even when her mouth started to hurt.
“Hey Lul,” Maen’s voice boomed across the workshop on the beach. “Hear you’ve been freaking everyone out with your dumb food cart again.”
Lul’s magical grip on the miniature sand sculpture tightened as she glared at her brother. “It’s not dumb, Maen.”
Both mouths grinned. “No, but you must be. Food’s for idiots in the Overworld... Or those enchanted by them.”
“Maen.” Their father’s voice crashed against the tide.
“What? She’s a sand witch, Pa. Time she started acting like one.”
“You... I...” Lul swallowed. That was it. She snapped her tail and her sculpture disintegrated. “I don’t want to be one,” she hissed, her eyes burning. “Maybe I can do better than all this. Mom thought so.”
She ran home, far away from their expressions.
Lul pretended she was asleep when her father checked on her. Her hearts raced as she felt him pry the book from her fingers.
She heard the sound of pages being turned, and felt something in the air that weighed unpleasantly on her chest.
His fingers brushed hers for the longest time when he returned the book.
“The mayor gave my space away?”
The goblin shrugged as he unloaded his cart of dumb rock statues and other stupid tourist-town things.
“Yeah. Yer pa told ‘im you didn’t need it no more.”
Lul looked back at her packed cart, suddenly feeling stupid and tired. She kicked it, kicked it again. Then she ran down to the shore, her eyes burning, and tried to throw the book away, but the tide kept bringing it back.
When the storm finally carried her home, Lul found her father sitting at his work bench.
“How could you, Pa?” she growled, her chest sore. “I said I didn’t want to be a sand witch.”
He silenced her without moving, his eyes fixed on a square of paper on the bench. Eventually, a chitinous claw pushed it towards her. “And you won’t be,” he whispered.
Lul turned it over, and her breath caught.
The ticket to the Overworld shimmered in her hand.
A delightful subversion of the prompt. Great characterization in a very short period of time.
There were lots of offhand details that made this feel like a deeper world, without introducing confusion.
Generally good description, I liked 'voice crashed against the tide'. How do eye sockets narrow, though?
I'll second bloons3's comment of good characterization; Lul was relatable, and her interactions gave it a strong arc, for such a short piece.
The scenes were very short, but that's to be expected with this format. They got the point across; you used your words effectively
I had few nitpicks and quite liked it overall.
Generally good description, I liked 'voice crashed against the tide'. How do eye sockets narrow, though?
I'll second bloons3's comment of good characterization; Lul was relatable, and her interactions gave it a strong arc, for such a short piece.
The scenes were very short, but that's to be expected with this format. They got the point across; you used your words effectively
I had few nitpicks and quite liked it overall.
Mmm, multiple small scenes is an interesting thing to try in the minifics; if you pull it off well, it can make your story seem much longer than it actually is. This one does... fairly well, I'd say.
The subversion is interesting. The lack of space means the world is pretty blurry, but it still mostly works by suggestion and hinting. I felt the bit with her father at the end could have used a touch more foreshadowing or... something. Perhaps if her conversation with Maen had been with her father instead, and perhaps a bit earlier...? I dunno.
The subversion is interesting. The lack of space means the world is pretty blurry, but it still mostly works by suggestion and hinting. I felt the bit with her father at the end could have used a touch more foreshadowing or... something. Perhaps if her conversation with Maen had been with her father instead, and perhaps a bit earlier...? I dunno.
It's somewhat comforting to know that beings in the underworld also have the pressure to fit in parameters set by their society.
This was awesome. It packed quite a punch for such a short length, which was helped by the use of small scenes, as mentioned above. All in all, it's a solid entry. I do wish we could have gotten another glimpse at the change of mind Lul's father experiences after reading the book instead of the faceheel turn we get.
I also feel like reading about Lul's misadventures un the Overworld. I have the feeling even the most contrarian hipster would have a hard time getting into her confections.
Maybe it's an acquired taste.
This was awesome. It packed quite a punch for such a short length, which was helped by the use of small scenes, as mentioned above. All in all, it's a solid entry. I do wish we could have gotten another glimpse at the change of mind Lul's father experiences after reading the book instead of the faceheel turn we get.
I also feel like reading about Lul's misadventures un the Overworld. I have the feeling even the most contrarian hipster would have a hard time getting into her confections.
Maybe it's an acquired taste.
This was a nice story, though, to be frank, the wilful girl sticking to her guns and chasing her dream (wait, wait. Didn’t Twilight Sparkle said something like “one must follow one’s dream” as someone recently pointed out? ;) )
The “sand-witch” pun was equally mentioned in the chat (besides being obvious) So That wasn’t very original either.
But, like the house built of common materials, this story is still nicely done. The cement and putty are neatly applied and the result is smooth and enjoyable to read. It doesn’t reach for the stars, but does well within its own purview.
Tl;dr: A solid journeyman’s work.
The “sand-witch” pun was equally mentioned in the chat (besides being obvious) So That wasn’t very original either.
But, like the house built of common materials, this story is still nicely done. The cement and putty are neatly applied and the result is smooth and enjoyable to read. It doesn’t reach for the stars, but does well within its own purview.
Tl;dr: A solid journeyman’s work.
More witchery! I approve of this.
There are things about this fic that I think work pretty well. The implication of a wider world outside of the immediate story succeeds for the most part in building richness and depth (although I think some aspects were a little clunky in their insertion) and the short scenes succeed in telling a complete story effectively. There are further aspects that perhaps could have been enhanced (Lul's father's motivations and reasons for those changing), and it feels as though the minific doesn't quite support the amount of character depth you are bringing to your principle cast. Fewer players, perhaps, might have helped here. Thanks for sharing your work.
There are things about this fic that I think work pretty well. The implication of a wider world outside of the immediate story succeeds for the most part in building richness and depth (although I think some aspects were a little clunky in their insertion) and the short scenes succeed in telling a complete story effectively. There are further aspects that perhaps could have been enhanced (Lul's father's motivations and reasons for those changing), and it feels as though the minific doesn't quite support the amount of character depth you are bringing to your principle cast. Fewer players, perhaps, might have helped here. Thanks for sharing your work.
Pun on "sand witch" and yet, she's running a food cart with sandwiches... We get it, you read the prompt. Or at least the last word of it. Kinda fuzzy how the full prompt meshes here though.
That aside, it was an interesting settings to say the least. I definitely want to know more about this world and these characters. But... I'm not sure a food car with "sun-dried tomatoes" really connects us to the Overworld. The reference to the lack of sun felt really forced.
Overall, a big reach, and it landed better than most, but... not quite at the top tier for me.
That aside, it was an interesting settings to say the least. I definitely want to know more about this world and these characters. But... I'm not sure a food car with "sun-dried tomatoes" really connects us to the Overworld. The reference to the lack of sun felt really forced.
Overall, a big reach, and it landed better than most, but... not quite at the top tier for me.
Yet more nitpicks, apologies in advance: Why is she cooking Grökhog as a substitute for chicken if she's making cheese and tomato sandwiches? And exactly what sort of book is this that survives being thrown in the ocean?
Hate to buck the trend here, but this one just felt sort of … ehh. There's nothing wrong with it I can particularly name, except that it felt so compressed I never worked up any emotional engagement with its characters. It's just trying to tell too big a story for its space, especially in an original fiction round where it has to build everything from scratch. It does a good job with little details (like her hearts, plural, beating), but I can't assemble those details into a coherent picture. What is the "Underworld", and how come everything lives there from skeletons to goblins to giant spider-people with scaly daughters? (Is this some sort of oblique Undertale crossover?) I want to like this more, but it's panning through its intriguing setting at top speed and leaving me behind.
Tier: Almost There
Hate to buck the trend here, but this one just felt sort of … ehh. There's nothing wrong with it I can particularly name, except that it felt so compressed I never worked up any emotional engagement with its characters. It's just trying to tell too big a story for its space, especially in an original fiction round where it has to build everything from scratch. It does a good job with little details (like her hearts, plural, beating), but I can't assemble those details into a coherent picture. What is the "Underworld", and how come everything lives there from skeletons to goblins to giant spider-people with scaly daughters? (Is this some sort of oblique Undertale crossover?) I want to like this more, but it's panning through its intriguing setting at top speed and leaving me behind.
Tier: Almost There
Hearty congratulations to the winners, but also to everyone who entered. Really enjoyed reading the stories this round.
Firstly, thanks very much to >>bloons3, >>Ratlab, >>Not_A_Hat, >>ZaidValRoa, >>Monokeras, >>Xepher, >>horizon, >>billymorph for your reviews and feedback during this round. You're always learning as a writer, and the type of critiques offered up go a long way to ensuring that I'm learning *good* practices, rather than squiffy ones.
I think it's fairly obvious where I took my starting point for this story from; there's no denying that it's an obvious and (depending on your tastes) bad pun, and one that a few others ran with to boot, but I make no bones about that. What I attempted to do (and succeeded/failed in achieving, depending on your perspective) was to try and take a really obvious spin on the prompt, but tell an original story with it. I was also looking to subvert the prompt somewhat too, though the word count curtailed my ability to do this as well as I had hoped.
So this is the tale of a witch who wants to escape the family trade of sand sculpting in a small, back-water tourist town, and whose desire to make sandwiches and other culinary delights was sparked by the discovery of a recipe book that had floated down from the Overworld. As well as attempting to deliver on the prompt, I also tried to shoehorn in an essence of the post-industrial rot that has blighted some parts of the UK, as well as the more lighthearted theme of attempting to do something other than what's expected of you. The original draft of this story was cancelled at around 1,000 words, and the version I submitted now was an attempt to condense these main themes into a 750 word story. This meant that the post-industrial rot was relegated to a few words here and there, and I think it lost some of its sharpness as a result.
Another perpetrator in the "too much going on in too few words" category was the number of characters present in the story. Believe me when I say there were a lot more originally, and that what you see before you is the result of some serious editing. I felt the remaining characters were necessary to the telling of the story, but can accept that their presence ate up some valuable words that would have been handy to have elsewhere.
What I also hoped to achieve with this effort was for it to read as a complete story. One of the critiques of my only previous Writeoff entry was that it felt like a scene attempting to tell a story, or that it read as more of a synopsis than something complete. Feedback seems to vary as to whether I achieved this successfully this time round, but I'm personally satisfied that I did. There is no getting away from the fact, however, that the word count stopped me developing aspects of the world as clearly as I would have liked. Some of you thought that what I did was sufficient, others didn't. Both views are valid.
Oh, bonus factoid time. The characters were named after beaches/coastal areas. Lul came from Lulworth Cove in Dorset, England, and Maen came from Porth Maenmelyn in Pembrokeshire, Wales.
Hopefully that covers everything. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I'm really chuffed that it ranked so high, as I intend to develop this as a full length piece of children's fiction, giving it the space it needs to breathe, and this served as a neat proof of concept.
Also, Mono:
That's my style in a nutshell, so I'm taking that as a lovely compliment.
See you all next time!
Where's My Sand, Witch?
Retrospective
Firstly, thanks very much to >>bloons3, >>Ratlab, >>Not_A_Hat, >>ZaidValRoa, >>Monokeras, >>Xepher, >>horizon, >>billymorph for your reviews and feedback during this round. You're always learning as a writer, and the type of critiques offered up go a long way to ensuring that I'm learning *good* practices, rather than squiffy ones.
I think it's fairly obvious where I took my starting point for this story from; there's no denying that it's an obvious and (depending on your tastes) bad pun, and one that a few others ran with to boot, but I make no bones about that. What I attempted to do (and succeeded/failed in achieving, depending on your perspective) was to try and take a really obvious spin on the prompt, but tell an original story with it. I was also looking to subvert the prompt somewhat too, though the word count curtailed my ability to do this as well as I had hoped.
So this is the tale of a witch who wants to escape the family trade of sand sculpting in a small, back-water tourist town, and whose desire to make sandwiches and other culinary delights was sparked by the discovery of a recipe book that had floated down from the Overworld. As well as attempting to deliver on the prompt, I also tried to shoehorn in an essence of the post-industrial rot that has blighted some parts of the UK, as well as the more lighthearted theme of attempting to do something other than what's expected of you. The original draft of this story was cancelled at around 1,000 words, and the version I submitted now was an attempt to condense these main themes into a 750 word story. This meant that the post-industrial rot was relegated to a few words here and there, and I think it lost some of its sharpness as a result.
Another perpetrator in the "too much going on in too few words" category was the number of characters present in the story. Believe me when I say there were a lot more originally, and that what you see before you is the result of some serious editing. I felt the remaining characters were necessary to the telling of the story, but can accept that their presence ate up some valuable words that would have been handy to have elsewhere.
What I also hoped to achieve with this effort was for it to read as a complete story. One of the critiques of my only previous Writeoff entry was that it felt like a scene attempting to tell a story, or that it read as more of a synopsis than something complete. Feedback seems to vary as to whether I achieved this successfully this time round, but I'm personally satisfied that I did. There is no getting away from the fact, however, that the word count stopped me developing aspects of the world as clearly as I would have liked. Some of you thought that what I did was sufficient, others didn't. Both views are valid.
Oh, bonus factoid time. The characters were named after beaches/coastal areas. Lul came from Lulworth Cove in Dorset, England, and Maen came from Porth Maenmelyn in Pembrokeshire, Wales.
Hopefully that covers everything. Thanks again for reading and commenting. I'm really chuffed that it ranked so high, as I intend to develop this as a full length piece of children's fiction, giving it the space it needs to breathe, and this served as a neat proof of concept.
Also, Mono:
But, like the house built of common materials, this story is still nicely done. The cement and putty are neatly applied and the result is smooth and enjoyable to read. It doesn’t reach for the stars, but does well within its own purview.
Tl;dr: A solid journeyman’s work.
That's my style in a nutshell, so I'm taking that as a lovely compliment.
See you all next time!