I'm having trouble framing my response to this. I get the impression from your writing style that you're a young and fairly inexperienced writer, someone who's just starting to find their voice and their footing. I don't want to rain on your parade, so to speak, but at the same time, the best way to help you improve is with a frank evaluation of what I see as the major problems in the story.

I guess what I'm trying to say is "don't take this personally, and don't be discouraged".

To begin with, most of what we're seeing here is told to us, rather than shown. To give an example:

Sanguine Soul was well known by her friends and family as a joyful mare, her bright silver coat and crimson mane would reflect what little light would reach the dark town of Hollow Shades. Like her cutie mark showed, a bright red heart with a wide smile in the center, her very presence was enough to light up the lives of those around her. Even when news of the fall of the Elements reached the town her smile never faltered, for she felt deeply that everything would be alright.

Skipping through the town she kept up the spirits of her fellow townsfolk and it felt like nothing could ever change that, for she was their light. A guiding spirit that kept the hopes of a community in her smile, but the corruption could not be kept at bay forever.

You say a great deal here, but none of it is substantial - none of it tells us anything about who this character is, what they do, or what kind of person they are. There's a lot of flowery prose, but all we really get out of it is that Sanguine Soul is an upbeat pony.

There are better, more elegant ways to convey that in your story than by simply telling it. Show Sanguine in a conversation with someone, like a friend of hers, who says something like "gosh, did you hear about them raiders? Equestria sure is a pile of crap these days." Then Sanguine can say something upbeat and optimistic, like "don't worry, friend, this too shall pass and we'll all be friendship-is-magic-ing again before too long!"

By having that come out in conversation, you show your audience what kind of character they're dealing with; you establish their traits and personality in a more natural way.

You also need to put more thought into the specifics of your premise and the way things work in the universe you're building. The Mane Six are dead and the Elements of Harmony are useless, and Celestia has lost power. Okay, how? Why? If you feel that's important enough to warrant explaining to the reader, then we're gonna need some more details. The first plot point in the story is "raiders kill Sanguine's family". Why are there raiders? Why has society descended into anarchy and chaos? How long has it been since this accident?


Additionally, the idea of a character being subjected to such horrible trauma that her mind simply fractures between different personalities - that's interesting. That can be done well, and has been done well. But then things like this start happening:

”Apologies Madame Sanguine, it would appear that when your mind broke down it was separated into many pieces. Those affected by the darkness you have witnessed and those that still hold true to who you are. In removing most of those pieces it appears that most of your mind has returned to you, though the most powerful parts have created us. I as a creation of your joy and Goodwill to others and the other, Vengeance, the ultimate image of your desire to destroy those who have destroyed your way of life,” explained Goodwill.

How does Goodwill know that? If she's a product of Sanguine's mind, then she should only know as much as Sanguine does, right? How is she privy to this information that Sanguine would have no ability herself to understand? In a different story, perhaps one that isn't subject to an 8k word limit, this is the sort of thing that the character would gradually discover. Here, though, it's just known straight out the gate.

This story clearly has a lot of ambition behind it, and I'm wondering if a contest like this is the appropriate venue for it. There's too much going on, and too much that needs to be said, to effectively tell the story in eight thousand words.

I hope some of this helps.

Apparently, he'd given orders for our cells to be prepared well before our arrival. I'm not the one to pity the most: they gave me a large room, with a comfortable bed, a sink with hot and cold water, a private latrine, a lot of books and even a desk and some sheets of pristine paper for me to write. I'm still a princess, you know, even without my magic, and rank has its privileges.

Something of a disconnect between this and all the public humiliation, no?

I'm sorry; I can't do this. I can typically stomach grimdark, but this verges on over-the-top torture porn grimdark. It's grimdark that goes so far at times that it becomes almost comical and I can't take it seriously. I got to this line here:

"where did she learn her manners? Getting drunk and then peeing and shitting on a friend… What kind of pony is this?"

And god help me, I laughed.

I'm sorry; I'm gonna bow out for this one. Abstain from voting on it. Your story has enough technical merit in its prose, but I just can't give it a fair shake.

I liked this story quite a bit, but there are a number of spelling/grammar errors. They may just be typos, but they were frequent enough to distract me. The plot of the story, however, was excellent. The scene with Pinkie Pie at the end was probably my favorite part: it was where change really came into play. I thought Twilight in particular was excellently written throughout the story, and I enjoyed your portrayal of Celestia as well.

Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.

That being said, I don't think I can critique this story in a technical manner, as most that stuff is handled well. Characterization was handled well, too. I think the author of this is more of a veteran.

I was going to critique that a god with a unique currency to offer does not need money, and would not need business schemes to get what he wants. Then, I thought about how making money seems to become its own merit in the humans of our world, even if they already have more than they could ever hope to spend in a single lifetime... which means it kinda isn't a valid critique.

I can't find a valid point of critique, so why don't I like it? I guess it's just not a story for me. All I saw was a fraud exploiting the naivety and emotional weakness of a good person. It's something I've witnessed in real life, and I find nothing comedic or enjoyable about it. Especially Fluttershy just clicking "accept, accept, accept" to save her dearest friend felt aggravating and dark to me.

Concluding remarks:
A well-written piece reflecting real-world dynamics, but nothing I'll ever enjoy reading about.

I have never read My Little Dashie, and I have absolutely no desire to ever do so. I am, however, very familiar with Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder, and by extension, Kefentse. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I didn't recognize the title until I saw horizon's comment, but once I did I knew I had to read this.

I feel like my enjoyment of this story is rather out of proportion to its actual quality. The story itself is pretty "meh," even as a parody. But I was thrilled to read a silly story about Kefentse, especially since it defictionalized the flavor text of one of the cards.

But the biggest problem with this story is that Kefentse is Twilight Sparkle's original character, and she is very clearly labeled "DO NOT STEAL." Shame on you.

PS: I still think we should have a TSSSF game in the Discord chat sometime.

This story deserves credit for its ambitious and unique premise, and it hooked me early on with its meta discussion of all the things that ponies use that they are anatomically incapable of handling correctly. I was really excited to see where you took it.

I have mixed feelings on the final product, though. It's a little too convenient that Celestia was able to manufacture all of Equestrian history and lore from whatever materials the English colonists had on hand. And the fact that it was the H.G. Wells who started this endeavor, specifically, doesn't play as much into the story as I was hoping it would. It feels like wasted potential.

The stuff with Twilight and Celestia is probably the best material in the story; I love their chemistry and their repartee. The flashbacks are where things stumble.

Minor note, too, but the word "bullet" is used in May The Best Pet Win; it stands to reason that Celestia wouldn't have to explain to Twilight what guns are.

I enjoyed this for what it was, but I can't help feeling like the dialogue is at odds with the story's premise. You seem to abandon the conceit of the story being a historical report at times. Why is there so much ambiguity with, say, what Twilight's interests were, or her gait, but the dialogue is transcribed so accurately?

Hey, make no mistake; you had me laughing, especially with the line at the end (well meme'd, friend).

I really need to stop reading entries at work. -_-

So! Let's cut straight to the meat of the matter here: my problem with the rape/torture porn isn't so much that it exists or the content itself, but (as >>horizon points out) the arc that it follows. You've reversed the order of the one-two punch (dammit, now I'm using boxing metaphors) such that the second one is swinging at empty air - you've already knocked the reader out with the first punch, and with the second punch you're just flailing about, searching for a target to hit and finding none, and looking a bit silly.

Also, let's talk a bit about character voicing.

I'm still a princess, you know, even without my magic, and rank has its privileges.

THIS ISN'T TWILIGHT. And as the story progresses, would Twilight really just sit there, going "oh woe is me" listening to it all in the next room? No! She'd buck at the door and walls until her hooves split open - futilely, uselessly, sure, as the narrative demands, but she most definitely would not sit idle. That would even fit more within the framework of the whole torture porn thing - Twilight harming herself in her desperation to reach her friends while they all suffer.

And then there's Tirek. Yes, he's a cartoon supervillain. Yes, he's as prone to monologues as the rest of the antagonists in MLP. But as >>Posh points out, his teasing turns this all to such absurdity that everything turns into a twisted joke.

I just realized how many problems reversing the order of nights two and three solves - the part where Tirek talks about breaking ponies takes on so much more of a sinister air if it's implied that Twilight, Applejack and Rarity's initial resistance are what drove him to such lengths.

One final note, and I feel like someone needs to point it out at least once every competition - new speaker, new line. Two separate characters speaking never go in the same paragraph. EVER. New speaker, new paragraph. Every single time.

I can see some potential for a decent ultra-grimdark story here, Writer - but you've got your work cut out for you before it becomes something other ponies won't automatically burn you at the stake for writing.

I will write a proper review of this later. I will say now that I enjoyed it.

'Why am I in a hospital room?’ she wondered to herself, looking around for any sign of help.

I feel like this confusion could be illustrated better through action, not internal monologue.

Two things. First, Spitfire told Soarin that she wanted her resignation to be handled quietly, but Soarin blabbed to the entire cloud, apparently. Nothing wrong with that; it's perfectly touching, but Spitfire shows zero reaction to it. I also think that someone who cares so much about her image as Spitfire would be less tolerant of Rainbow Dash's breach of decorum.

Second, I'm gonna go ahead and suggest that you start the story with the second scene. Spitfire's in the bar, drinking alone, there's some comment in the narration alluding to her losing her wing, to hook the reader in. Then Soarin comes in, like before, and he and Spitfire have a conversation that alludes to the accident, the details of it, and her wing, without ever explicitly touching on it.

Or, if you must begin with waking up in the hospital, at least have The Man Who Sold The World playing in the background. :P

So I just read this after reading the lovely reviews left by the four others who commented on this. I just had to comment.

And I have to agree that after the first night, the second night sounds rather... silly. I can see what you were going for, with increasing the visceral nature of what was happening to them and some manner of an ironic perversion of their elements.

But there's this serious tone set by the first night and the second night reads like some kind of slapstick comedy in comparison.

I can roll with this being an AU, but yeah, it's a little too stiff to be Twilight.

And >>horizon , those parts sort of strike me more as a "never forget what happened to us" sort of deal and she pretty much admits she doesn't expect anyone to find the letter, so I can kind of let that slide, personally. But addressing your point, I know that reading about atrocities committed against my friends gets me fired up sometimes. Hell, it happens sometimes with people I don't even know.

Generally I'm pretty easy to please when it comes to fiction, I just feel like you went a bit too far in degrading them, author, for me to take this seriously... or perhaps not far enough.

I could totally see this expanded into an M-Rated fic without the fetters of the Writeoff binding it.

Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.

I'm probably blind to the things horizon sees fault in because I melt when stories end like this. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now, so thank you for writing and submitting your story!

I actually don't find the tonal shift to be so extreme, but that might be because I wrote a minific during one of the write-offs in which Luna's banishment was described as being teleported to the moon's surface, and the feeling of suffocation due to the absence of air was an important part of it. The notion of having to re-learn breathing didn't seem silly at all to me, probably because it fit my head canon perfectly.

As for other critique: I don't think replacing the "I" with "Ah" in Apple family accent is a good choice. I've even done that myself in my very first story, but it's really immersion-breaking, as it takes the focus off the meaning of a word and instead makes it necessary to interpret the sound the letters describe, which is a big mental shift. I also think it's pretty superfluous, as anyone who has seen the show will read it in the correct accent automatically if you are writing close enough to the correct sentence pattern and word choice.

I also think you dropped Luna's royal expressions unintentionally during the first scene, and I think I found a comma splice somewhere. Apart from that, great work on the technical side, too!

I could list a lot of things I loved about this, apart from the heart-warming ending, but the best laugh I had probably was with the "ploughing princesses" joke.

Concluding remarks:
I found this story funny and heart-warming, and I'd be happy to reread, like, and favourite it if it gets published on fimfic.

First up for reviewing is a kind gentle story that seems to try to explain things with how Luna transitions between a formerly released Lulu into a modern day society Princess. Which we’ve all come to know and love by now. It can do a heart good, but leave the mind boggled. Now that’s just the start. Here we have a story that fell into a genre I don’t normally come to enjoy. Yet every so often, I find a good one that can lift up my heart. Without of course adding major drama or some complex feature that would overdo the story.

Negatives
Description-This is often times a tricky thing to do well and can be a heartache or a blessing in disguise. Now. Enough said with the obvious. This story mentions things without there being some sort of buff to the fact that there are “things” happening within the story. Often it felt bland to read and continue onwards. So I could not relate with the characters or understand certain actions. Just with how little it left for me to imagine. A good example is the use of the word “tilt”. It is used a lot in this piece. So much so, that the characters’ reactions do not feel genuine. They feel stiff almost like a cut out of some sorts. My advice is to add variety and explain a bit more on these characters feelings. Show me what Luna is feeling through use of her eyes, brow, hoof movements, or even her tail. The face is not the only means of expressing a character. Give me something different to taste, to keep my interest up.

Actions-This may seem like the same as the above, but it is a close trait. The author in this piece tends to skip certain things and comes right down to the point. “Luna sat down next to Big Mac.” is an example. The use here could have been hightlighted better “Luna took to her seat. Resting her anxious filled self next to the closest comfort she had on the Apple Farm.” This can do two things. One: it offers a reasoning behind the action and two:It gives way for the reader to sense and see how Luna might be seating herself, thus adding to the simple action of sitting without adding a bunch of unneeded fluff. Aside from the way the characters acted, the side characters felt like they weren’t there or really needed. Big Mac could have had a midnight pinic with Luna and the story could have been better. Including the rest of the Apple family requires a bit of interaction that I just can’t see in this story. Granny could have been dead at the table with how little she said and Applebloom only had a single line with no essence into it. Might as well have dropped the two of them if that’s the case.

Sensibility-This one really rode me the whole story. I didn’t know what was going on and why. All I got was that, Celestia’s little sister needed a “loving” companion and needed it badly because she was ogling guards? Celestia still somehow manages to raise the moon and drop the sun while completely asleep? Why didn’t Luna in her Archia manner command Big Mac to just do the “deed” and why was she dealing with a commoner? Farmers were known to be bottom tier in society. So wouldn’t Princess Luna know better than to provide such a position to an uncouth individual who can’t even speak properly? And this is just considering that Luna is actually following what royal society use to be back in the days. I get I don’t know pony culture, but the story even hints at lowly Big Mac’s position is compared to Luna’s own. Showing that she does have that sense of the long forgotten social tiers in her mind. Also why is Celestia sleeping on her throne? She probably has a dozen rooms to sleep in and no other being could deny her that. There was just so many things not explained well in this story. While it did hit on the comedic side it was overbearing to think of why things were happening, rather than laugh at the punchlines provided.

POSITIVES
Archia-The use and sense of having the Archia Luna overcome her natural frustrations with her sister was a brilliant idea and I believed that you played it quite well. We get a story that comes to further explain how Luna changed so drastically from her second appearance in the show on nightmare night. Where Luna was always serious about her royal traditions and keeping them intact. Now the problem here is, that this Luna here didn’t even seem to have been taught by Twilight. It feels as if this story takes a different twist from a different universe altogether. Same characters different kinds of teachers for our moon Goddess. It just didn’t really belong in multiple reasons that the story itself seems to tell its readers about. Which can get very confusing. Thus it breaks what we know about Luna as a whole. You played her part right but gave her something different in life. It felt like you went against that whole thousand year old Luna bit and gave us something different than the Nightmare Night episode. Not to mention you seemed to have broken Luna’s speech several times before the moment Big Mac forces it from her. It’s minor errors, but it’s tricky to write about and I find it a joy to read something that uses “old speech” in its stories.

Moral-This one made my day. Right when I thought I was going to get a horrible pun in the end, the story twists itself into a self correcting sexual phase? And gives Luna a life moral in which an honest man tells her that she doesn’t need glamourous things in her life to be happy. But by living a good honest one, you can find everything you need in the simplicity of things. Now honest and simple I can work with but denying it all for constant sexual favors and being spoiled. Not sure about you but this white booty would drop dead at the mention of such a deal. Now enough about me back on the story. Being a slice of life/romance I felt the need for the comedic and the intro was off-putting together along with the ending. It comes to no surprise as it’s already given to us that Mac himself was going to teach Luna and that Luna was somehow going to live a better life. My next question is “Why is an Alicorn that had lived 100s of centuries getting a lesson from the most silent guy in the show?” It is a wonderful trait of the story and can make your heart melt just exactly how the show does it. But getting there is rough and rocky. It could have done better without the silliness honestly. With this you could have changed “Harem” into personal servants. That would have been great to read. Also the intro mentions Luna’s sexual frustrations. In the end we get that it is solved through Pie...Lemon Chiffon Pie to be exact. Um...problem and solution didn’t actually go into one another.

Luna: Celestia please can we have a bunch of hot studs serve us?

Celestia: No.

L: But I need it.
C: No.

L But I need it.

C: No.

L But I need it.

C: No

L: But I need it.

C: FINE! By all that is a Goddess in me! I’m sick of your s***!

(If you get this reference you are awesome!)

Now this being my first review for this round is kinda disappointing. There were good points and bad points. I liked this one and cringed at it. But it was a good read. There are elements that seem to struggle within itself that make it kinda disturbing. My advice keep writing. You are doing wonderful. Though it wouldn’t hurt to try a bit of scripting to smooth things out.

I'm guessing you ran out of time while you were changing the story from first to third person or vice-versa, so let's not talk about that. Also problems with the dialogue; everypony sounds the same, including Celestia. (Giving each of the 2 first characters the first word "Eh" is one manifestation of this.) But the big problem is what the story is about.

I think the idea is that the royal guard is dehumanized by its duties, and revolts. There are no changelings. Unfortunately this doesn't fit the facts:

Wait a minute, Burnished Halberd doesn’t have a horn, he’s a pegasus!

Also, I strongly expect membership in the guard in canon is voluntary.

A parody of MLD has comic potential. I know, because Rainbow Dash Presents did it. I see 2 problems with the implementation:

First, it isn't clear ever what type of parody it wants to be. It drops hints that it wants to be a parody in which Kefentse is a terrible, evil, vicious dracofelinequus on her way to becoming tyrant of the Earth. But it keeps veering away from that to be a parody in which Kefentse is just a Mary Sue, & that's supposed to be funny, because... I'm not sure why. Mary Sues can be funny, and a parody of MLD can be funny, but that doesn't make putting a Mary Sue in MLD funny. There are no points of contact between those concepts. MLD doesn't have a Mary Sue in it. Also, at the ending the story moves in the opposite direction than it did at first, towards "Fentse is an innocent victim of tyrant Celestia, assuming that a reincarnation shouldn't be held accountable for its past lives." The finale introduces a serious moral dilemma, which make it very hard to keep reading it as comedy at that point.

More importantly, this is full of things that are random, but none of them are very funny. Some are a little funny, like

Chivalrous, smart, popular - there was nothing his dear little Fentsie touched that couldn’t turn to gold! Quite literally, in fact, as they had found one day when monetary woes had afflicted them and her heretofore unrevealed alchemical content manifested when the broken-down old car suddenly became a massive block of shining gold bullion.

This is surprising and silly, but the story leans very hard on surprising and silly, without ever developing characters capable of supporting character-based humor. I think, too, it goes over the edge into implausibility--eg, turning a car into gold shouts "I am being silly!" rather than being just on the edge of plausibility (such as, for instance, much the humor in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

So... this is an EqG fic, and I have trouble getting into those because I just plain don't care for EqG. I was afraid that I'd be prejudiced against this story for that reason, but you went and surprised me, whoever-you-are. You got me to care about Equestria Girls. You must be some sort of brilliant scientist.

A couple of criticisms, though. The dream sequence at the start contextualized the rest of the story, and subtly informs some of Rainbow Dash's hostility toward StepMombow Dash, so good on you for that. That said, dream sequences being used to open/contextualize stories is a device that I'm generally not fond of, and it feels a little forced in this instance. The fact that Dash's recollection is so specific (not "half-remembered" at all, despite the story's insistence), despite being a dream, comes across as contrived. If the story hadn't explicitly called it a dream after the scene ended, I probably wouldn't have been able to guess that it was a dream.

I would say that you could open with it, and just treat it like a flashback, but that might just be subjectivity.

Regarding the story itself, the conflict between Dash and StepMombow is handled well, but I found Rainbow Dash the less sympathetic character in the conflict. I get the sense that she baits her stepmom frequently, but I don't see Crystal baiting her back. It comes across as just a one-sided grudge on Rainbow Dash's part. Again, that's probably because of the aforementioned mother issues, but Dash is the protagonist and probably the person I'm supposed to identify and sympathize with, but that's just not happening. The only moment where I found myself actually rooting for Dash was when she refuses to ask her father to leave Crystal (sidenote: that's a huge moment for Rainbow Dad, and I wish there'd been some more build-up to it, a little more dialogue to characterize him, or a conversation between he and Dash about Mombow Dash).

And the conflict between them goes unresolved at the end. I was hoping that there would be some moment where they make progress toward reconciling - a moment of mutual understanding; maybe StepMombow makes some kind of gesture, or overture, or goes out of her way to help Dash when she needs it, and maybe Dash comes to realize that she's treating her stepmother unfairly because of whatever happened with her mom - but instead they side-step the issue altogether by having Rainbow Dash move out of the house, solving nothing and creating a situation where an immature, unemancipated minor without the means to support herself is living alone. And that just seems like it'd create further problems.

I dunno; I feel like more could be done with this to bring it to a more effective conclusion. There's a solid bedrock, and your writing's fairly strong; there's good interplay between Dash and Fluttershy, and the Zephyr Breeze cameo was a nice touch (there are several little touches like that in the story).

But it feels... abridged.

Good on the sentence level; doesn't work at the story level. This story is basically:

For i = 0 to 4 do {
Sunset Shimmer is afraid to graduate because she doesn't know what to do after high school.
Sunset Shimmer decides to swallow her fear and move on.
}

First, instead of drawing one clear path from start to finish, the story is a collection of 5 or 6 similar but different paths from start to the same finish. Several little mini-stories, presented in sequence, in which SS says she's afraid, then someone else does something to slightly dispel her fear.

Story threads are not like actual threads. Many weak threads don't make one strong rope, at least not when they're sequential instead of parallel.

2nd, after each of these stress-reassure cycles, the tension is released. It feels like maybe the story is about to end, and then SS gets nervous again, and it starts again, doing another variation on reassuring SS. This is taunting the reader.

Instead of having everypony be so nice to SS, be mean to her! Make things worse, then make them worse. I hate to be that guy who recommends Syd Field's standard 3-act structure, but I'm being that guy now. I believe there are other ways to build a story than the Syd Field model, but this is not one of them.

Quibble: Using the name Peridot will make many readers think this is a Steven Universe crossover. Know your audience. Bronies are likely to watch Steven Universe. At least read the Wikipedia page on it.

The good news: This is at the top of my slate. This was the only story on my slate that I wanted to finish.

The bad news: IMHO, to write at a publishable level, an author needs to master 2 tracks: technique (grammar, style, dialogue, description, tension, scene structure, plot structure) and theme.

Technique is hard, and this story is there in terms of technique. Congratulations!

Theme is... not hard, and not easy. It is the thing that some people know intuitively and some people never learn. It is what makes a story resonate. I couldn't discern a theme. I guess I mean, what could this story mean to me? What in my life will ever make me think back to this story?

Usually an adventure story takes a character arc as its theme; see the scriptnotes analysis of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" for a great example. There is no character arc here. In this story, the character arc would most likely be Peridot learning in her own life the lesson she must teach to the tribes. But Peridot is already at Mary Sue levels of modern late-20th-century egalitarianism at the start of the story. She's so egalitarian that it's a plausibility problem. She should end up still not as modern-minded as she is in this story, and start out somewhere well south of that.

This is a fix-fic, an attempt to fix a few weird things in canon simultaneously. The first rule of fix-fics is: We don't talk about fix-fics First, do no harm. The fix should not be worse than the thing it's fixing.

The fix in this story is less believable than the things it's fixing. That makes it not work as a fix-fic. The fix aspect is questionable: Does the "Celestia is only 120 years old" part have any connection to the origins-of-Equestria part? In that sense this is two separate stories smooshed together. I wonder if it wouldn't be better without the entire "handles" prelude story. What you have can be seen as 2 separate stories, with 2 separate moods, going in 2 separate directions, tacked together where one ends and the other begins.

The ending is good. Quibble with the word "befriend"; all the weight of the story is concentrated behind that word, and it's a weak word. "Make friends with" would sound stronger to me.

Agree with >>Posh that HG Wells is a Chekhov's gun that isn't fired.

Quibble: Story shifts without warning, pattern, or purpose between first-person Celestia and first-person Twilight.

I agree with literally everything >>Posh said (and have head-canonized the names Rainbow Dad and Mombow Dash). It didn't even occur to me that the opening scene was a dream until I read Posh's comment; I was just confused by Rainbow having a possibly-homicidal real-mom somewhere who never entered the story.

My suggestion: Start this story where you ended it, with Rainbow moving out. I predict it will not go well and lessons will be learned, mainly by Dash, who seems to be the pony who most needs to learn them.

I keep using phrases like "this has a lot of ambition" in my reviews, and I know how trite that sounds, but it's difficult to think of a different adjective for a story like this. It's "ambitious". It's experimental; that's another adjective. It's an ambitious, experimental piece that takes an unconventional (hey, third one!) approach to storytelling.

But I can't say I enjoyed it. There's wit, and humor, and a few things in here that caught my attention ("there are no shotguns in Equestria" - powerful stuff), but reading it was a slog. And, significantly, barely pony-related.

I can't really give this a favorable review; I'm sorry.

>>Bad Horse Thank you for agreeing with me, Internet Horse-Person. You are not as bad as your username would imply. :)

>>Bad Horse


Seriously, welcome back! This is unexpected and super-sweet!

“Well, look at that!” she continued. A huge grin broke out on her face. “And it’s a book! A book! Oh, Firecracker, if only you were ten years older.” She finished with a chuckle.

bad touch bad touch bad touch bad touch bad touch

Her smile changed as he spoke. It expanded, though it remained small, until her cheeks and eyes smiled as well. She placed her forelegs on the table and stood, towering over him again, then leaned down to place a chaste kiss on his forehead.

bad touch bad touch bAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH

“Hey, don’t worry.” A feathertip brushed his shoulder. “I think it’s really awesome what your parents did. For her.”

BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH ABORT ABORT ABORT FIRECRACKER NEEDS AN ADULT

#FirecrackerGetsAllTheMares

Alright, in all seriousness, I loved this. There's a lot of context missing behind, like, the family situation (under what circumstances did this family come to adopt a Griffon?), and it seems like an entry in a series of stories or one-shots about Firecracker and his family rather than a full-fledged, standalone story. But I don't really see that as a bad thing.

I am a little curious about one thing, though: Do all the students share the same schoolhouse? Because the CMC are definitely a few years older than Firecracker, and probably ahead of him in grade.

Huh. This is one of those rare fics that really wouldn't have lost anything for being original fiction. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed it better if it was, if only because being pony fiction brings a lot of expectations that weren't really met here. I was sure halfway through that Angel was in on this guy's con the whole time, and he used a trick on the plant. Instead, it turned out to be a modern fable that portrays Equestrian life almost exactly like ours, with all focus on the premise instead of the established characters or setting. It was done pretty well, but it was just done in the wrong month.

There isn’t nearly enough sci-fi in this fandom, and this was a beautiful effort to rectify that lack. A wonderfully balanced blend of hope and melancholy. Thank you for it.

>>Posh
In brief:

• A shockwave was rippling out from the galactic core, wiping out just about everything. Luna was nearly driven mad by the sound of countless stars crying out and being silenced.
• Equestria's sun and moon break physics as we understand it, so they could crack a bit off of the sun and use it to drag the planet away at a gradual but constant acceleration.
• A slingshot around a star that hadn't yet been wiped out by the shockwave sent them in the direction of another galaxy, dodging the shockwave entirely. Specifically, it sent them to the Milky Way and our sun.

There are a lot of awkward constructions here. An editor will be a great help to you.

Okay, so the story conflates Equestria and the Power Ponies while opening a portal to Earth, and this is all explained in a very clumsy text dump. Also, the ponies are anthropomorphic for some reason, possibly to make interspecies marriage moderately less bizarre. Really not winning me over here.

And now you’re just remaking the Soldier: 76 Overwatch trailer with ponies. This might work if you had thought about how the different context would change the circumstances of the story. Humans beating an omnic is just deplorable. Ponies beating a human is an interplanetary incident. Furthermore, a damsel in distress is measurably less so when she has a reality control device coming out of her forehead. As is, it's clear that your reworking began and ended at changing names, species, and weaponry.

>>FanOfMostEverything

And now you’re just remaking the Soldier: 76 Overwatch trailer with ponies.

I read this entire story just to confirm that you weren't just speaking in hyperbole. You're dead on. Beat for beat, this is essentially the same as the Soldier 76 trailer.



For other reviewer's reference: this is the trailer

Opal, Gemstones, Salt, etc, etc

Okay, first review up! Opal, Gemstones, Salt, Wood, Crystal and Stubbornness.

First, author, I applaud the deliberate omission of the Oxford Comma. Good choice. However, I’m not sure that a six-item list is the best title for a story. We’ll see how it plays out, I guess.

The first thing that strikes me is the perspective. It seems to be third-person omniscient, as there’s no clear character we’re attached to. But then we get to this line:

Her sister found it a shamefully disrespectful manner in which to honour the memories of national heroes, but perhaps in a few decades hence she would be done with this selfish mourning period and cease hoarding them unto herself.

This is clearly shaded with Luna’s perspective, and it uses somewhat archaic language (‘unto herself’) at the end. So right away this feels like a Luna story even though Luna’s name hasn’t even come up yet.

So, this is something I’ve seen before -- story telling by proxy. Luna is visiting the tombs of the Elements, and by perusing them we get hints at how they lived and died. It’s a story about a story, in other words.

It can work. I’ve seen it happen. The Princess Bride uses the framing device of a grandfather reading a story to his sick grandson, after all.

But let’s talk about Telling for a moment. We get Luna reading a scroll about poor Rainbow’s death, and how Twilight thinks it’s her fault, and then this:

Regret is the feeling of trying to change something which has already happened.

The pain in the message leaked through both ink and through time.

Was that necessary? I thought Twilight’s scroll conveyed her regrets very well -- there’s no need to bludgeon the reader over the head with it.

By now the title’s conceit is becoming clear. Six words, six tombs. But that last one, ‘Stubbornness.’ That sticks out enough to pique my interest.

So, after the second tomb, this story is starting to read like an extended obituary for a good friend. And there’s four coffins to go!

So, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. I love the Reformed Villains book club idea, and Chrysalis tasting Discord’s emotions. But then we get to this line:

No greater tragedy befell Equestria that its two kindest ponies, no two who loved children and teaching more, would not... It was a cruelty.

Old ponies dying of old age, surrounded by friends and loved ones, is not a tragedy! Unless Luna has simply gotten sappy in her old age, she should surely recognize that young ponies dying is much more tragic (though not, technically, a tragedy as the Greeks would have understood the term).

Okay, two ponies left.

And, uh…

Well, based on the ‘stubbornness’ in the title, I was half-expecting Applejack to be the last survivor. I wasn’t expecting her to be a survivor, though. That’s some intense mood whiplash, especially with how jocular she is.

Then she wanders off, leaving Luna alone, and we’re back to sad. How, she wonders, will Equestria survive without the Elements of Harmony?

I don’t know, of course, but just tossing this out: the same way they survived for the thousands or so years she was on the moon and the elements were balls of rock in her old castle.

This story features some good writing, but it’s in the service of a premise that doesn’t deliver much. The main character never does anything. The secondary characters just die. Celestia, apparently, never lost any close friends during her thousands of years of life until just now.

Also, this story has been written already. Several times. In fact, it’s a pretty common story -- the mortal ponies die and the immortal ponies are sad. If you want to stick out from that crowd, you need to do something extraordinary, and simply being more sad probably isn’t the way to go.

So, in conclusion:

Pros: good writing, decent mechanics. A bit of telly language, but not too much.

Cons: Nothing particularly original. Takes the ‘everypony is sad because the elements finally died’ trope and runs it into the ground.

So, I was pretty scathing about this one in the chat. If you were reading, author, I apologize. I got a little carried away.

This story has some flaws. It will probably struggle to do well in the voting. But none of that should outweigh the fact that the author had an idea, managed to write a coherent story based on that idea, and submitted it for judgement, all in 72 hours. That's quite an accomplishment, and one that I sometimes fail at.

Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.

On the technical side, I think this is outstandingly written. There were some proof reading flubs which looked like oversights during rephrasing, not like actual problems with the English language, so no biggy.

It did not occur to me during reading, but I think >>Xepher is right: a real reason for the council to rid Luna of her titles etc. would make the decision more than a "disrespect Luna yes/no", which would heighten the stakes and increase the overal involvement of the reader. There is no reason given why Celestia shouldn't just manage Luna's affairs power of attorney style until she returns.

I had to do some tough thinking about why, although it is beautifully written, this piece did not impact me as much as I would have liked, and I think it comes down to emotional involvement and progression. It felt like more of a snapshot to me, taken right after Luna's banishment. We see Celestia sad, but ready to carry on for her people, and the story ends on the exact same note. Maybe showing a Celestia crippled by depression working up her strength would have had more of an impact... although one might perceive that out-of-character for her, I don't think we can assume the level of emotional anguish to be anything near to what we were able to observe during the show (also she's still a 1000 years younger, which might account for less resilience).

Sorry for the vague critique and speculation, but as a proficient writer, maybe you can set it into context and have it help you anyway.

Concluding remarks:
Very well-written post-Luna-banishment piece, but missing the emotional impact for me.

I don't have much to say. The prose reads fine, the descriptions are cute, and the story is well structured. It's a bit difficult for someone who hasn't been raised in the US system of education to appreciate all the stakes. We don't have those sort of ceremonies over here. We just go through a final exam, and if you pass, you're free to move to U, and if not, you have to repeat the final year. The diploma are sent by post afterwards.

The arc, on the other hand, feels a bit weak. In any case, the end indeed feels rushed, and the solution proposed seem only to brush the problem. It's not a resolution. She's made a step towards it, but it's still there. Besides, I have no idea how S.S. sustains herself. Is she put up by the Principals? If yes, how is she to cope if she's to move to a campus. Etc.

WELL WRITTEN, but as FoME pointed out, it feels more like a beginning than a story of its own.

the first half of this was quite thrilling. and nostalgic. it got my attention and pulled me along effortlessly. I love this kind of thing, G1 characters colliding with the human world (well, it already HAD a human world. so really it's our contemporary human world)

loved how the conversation with Megan was so.... cozy, yet awkward? my heart was melting a little there. and that was just the moment when I figured out what the rainbow signified, and that got me all excited and giddy. the possibilities! what's gonna happen?!

(I might be slower than average at figuring these things out, I bet others will figure it out sooner, but it accidentally was the perfect timing for those emotions to strike me all at once)

after that.... I was expecting some explosion of emotion, or new complications and drama for both characters. but instead of hitting the ramp, the story pressed the brakes. seems to tie up too neatly: the old era is ending, pay no attention to the new era behind the curtain.

more typos and missing words and formatting errors pop up here. those things don't bother me, but I do notice them, and here it leads me to guess that the ending was rushed. understandable, what with the time limit. this seems like a concept that would take much more days of planning and writing to be fully realized. I did enjoy this draft, quite a lot, but I'd really like to see it in its glorious final form.

apparently everyone who uses "well-written" in their reviews is going to be called out and shamed at the end of the event.

isn't that fun?

>>Haze

well-written

YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD AHHHHHHHH!

>>Haze

I'm not sure who you think is going to go through the trouble to bother doing that.

“Teach me goodness.” Interesting.

I do love a good, easy-to-loathe Spoiled Rich.

I literally laughed out loud at Scootaloo’s line. You know which one.

In all, a beautifully heartfelt tribute to teachers in general and one in particular, especially in relation to those who don’t have anyone more affectionate in their lives. Excellent work.

>>Cassius
the Writers Trapped in a Well Society
and the ghost of H.G. Wells

Hmm. G1 elements. Interesting.

This is definitely in need another proofreading sweep. Aside from the typos, there are missteps like Megan asking “You saw what?” when Firefly says “It happened.”

Wait, if Megan is thinking of using ponies as a means of monetizable Internet fame, why doesn’t she just record Firefly?

There definitely needs to be more emotion at the ending. Almost twenty years of isolation have finally come to an end for Firefly, and that’s just on her side of things. This merits a little more reaction than looking forward to something she can sink her teeth into, be it scone or stallion. Put more polish and thought into this and it will be quite nice.

Okay, so, the technobabble at the beginning was really distracting. I felt like I was being introduced to a new gadget every 5 words, and was going "how much of this should I really be paying attention to?

Then we got past that and the rest of the story was amazing.

I love the world building here. I love the characterizations of the three characters with speaking roles, and the characters without speaking roles. I love the problem they're trying to escape. I love their solution to it and the problems that creates. Really, the more I read, the more I wanted to keep reading (I actually had to sneak peeks at it during work cause I didn't finish on my lunch break yesterday). And, well, that's the highest praise I can give.

I admit I was a bit disappointed in the less-than-happy ending. I really wanted to see the people who had actually come up with the plan. But... I can't say it wasn't fitting.

Good job. Just... just good job.

Verdict: Fantastic.

Tragic, but not maudlin. The most apt description would be “paying respects,” because this is tremendously respectful to all involved, ending on a nicely ominous note. My only complaint is that it would’ve been nice to get more information about Twilight.

As CiG noted, this is well-travelled ground, but there’s something to be said for a good execution, especially with the hints of tension between the sisters. Nice work.

>>Haze
I'm already going to be called out and given a hiding when everyone knows whose entry is mine, so I don't care

Vice Principal Luna doesn’t speak archaically. On the other hand, given the subject matter, I get the feeling that I shouldn’t be thinking about this too hard.

Yup, definitely shouldn’t be thinking about this too hard.

In all, an entertaining bit of nonsense. Not much to it beyond that, but it was still fun. That said, you really need to convey when it's taking place earlier in the story. Still, props for putting the diacritical mark in Pokémon.

>>Haze
Why?

Opening with the Copenhagen interpretation? You have my attention.

Well. That was disturbing. Reading this almost felt intrusive, like someone cornered me at a train station and started telling me this deeply personal story and I was too afraid to say anything or get up because I was worried about what would happen if I made any sudden movements. Really not sure how to feel about this one. The nicest thing I can say about it is that it’s certainly novel; I definitely wouldn’t have ever read it on Fimfiction.

This is a very cool idea that sadly does not work, and here’s why:

I was perhaps five or maybe six. A grown adult for a horse. Do remember, time and aging works a bit differently for you ponies.

It comes down to a question of simple math: Are there enough generations to make the history work? And, depending on how quickly the length of a generation grew, I don’t think there are, not when Sweetie Belle’s fifth birthday party saw her smaller than she is now. And that’s not taking Granny Smith into account. By all rights, she and anyone else around her age should remember Luna's banishment, making Nightmare Night more than a little bizarre. Heck, while we’re on the subject, why was Luna ever speaking in thees and thous if ponies first came this world in the 1880s? Where did she even come from?

Nothing more information can’t fix… but that fix is still necessary. Still, I look forward to seeing this in a fully internally consistent form.

>>Cold in Gardez

First, author, I applaud the deliberate omission of the Oxford Comma. Good choice.

You monster.

and then Fluttershy boarded the Espoir for the slim hope of clearing her debt

why would he go after Twilight next, if she's so keen and skeptical?

why kill her, instead of squeezing more interest out of her? or use her as a hostage to rope the rest of the Mane 6 into a scheme?

actually, if he's got so much time, and it's not valuable to him, why repo it? I thought he only wanted money? once again, I question why he's not instead using Fluttershy as leverage. to get more of.... whatever he really wants.

the rest of the story's great. just the grim ending raising too many questions. makes the villain and his motivations seem kinda flimsy.

Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.

The scenes are nicely crafted and I can't find glaring issues, although the escape from the flood got a bid hard to picture, as >>FanOfMostEverything already noted.

1. What I had most problems with is your scene transitions. The transition between the legend and the scene in the throne room was fine, but the cut between throne room and tavern was so harsh in setting and emotional shift that I had a hard time getting into it. Might also have to do with Quite ending the one scene seemingly stoked to uncover this mystery, and starting with complaining about something being "not natural" in the next without any explanation as to where that change of heart came from.

The harsh cuts continue with the other scene transitions, though. One second they've decided to go gather up equipment, meet back at the tavern, go through the mine and open up the seal. Next second, they're in front of the seal, about to blast it to pieces. This not only breaks the rather fine pacing you set in the scenes themselves, but plunges the reader into a situation where things are happening he/she has no context to yet. While that is a valid way to start a story off to plunge a reader right into the action, I think it should be used sparingly throughout a story to not confuse the reader. An introductory paragraph that's not action filled would alleviate most of that. Something like:

Once Shady Patch and Star Presto had gathered their equipment, the party set out towards the mines. Quite only reluctantly left the warm afternoon sun behind as they entered, the warm, flowery breeze replaced by cool, still air that smelled of earth and moss. Down they went, moving ever further into the bowels of the mountain. After about an hour, they reached their destination: a wall, the haste with which it was built apparent by the different size stones, just patched up with dirt from the ground.

Shady Patch pointed at it: “Let ‘er rip, kid!

A paragraph like this for the scene transitions in your story would benefit your story a lot I think. Also, this helps in getting rid of stuff like this:

To Quiet Time’s eyes, he had stepped out of the mine and into an open valley at nighttime. He knew he hadn’t, though, because it had only been late afternoon when they entered an hour ago, and there was no way the sun had gone down already at this time of year.

This way of introducing information is particularly clumsy.

2. Another thing I found was a missing dialogue attribution.

“All I’m saying is it was the right one. Y’all didn’t see the smoke in the sky like we did. Came right out of nowhere, at just the same time they broke through that wall and found those trees. It got to where it was casting shadows on the ground, and folks swear they heard growling coming from the thick of it before they got wise and sealed the hole back up. You watch; you open up that cave again and the smoke’ll be back, thicker than ever. We’ll all be choked out or eaten up or goddesses-know-what before you so much as hear ticking from any dratted clock. Not that anyone has the right to meddle with such things anyway, on principle.”

“Bah, you don’t really care about that, Song,” came a voice from behind,

Here, I had no idea who spoke the first paragraph because you did neither introduce the barmaid nor even mention she was part of that unfolding conversation. I also still have no idea who Song is at that point until a few paragraphs later, which is really confusing taking into account you did not only introduce 2, but 4 characters in this scene.

3. I think you're leaving too much untold here. The story is obviously incomplete, but more of a hint what the glowing of the gems on the clock could mean, or what's up with the creepy forest, would make the (I hope) temporary ending you present here a bit more satisfactory.

Concluding remarks:
Great ideas, and an interesting yet underexplored cast of characters, and good writing, but harsh scene transitions and incomplete as a story.

You've done something new with Luna's exile, and congratulations on that!

The sentences are well-written, but I didn't care about the core of the story, which I take to be the council's desire to strip Luna of authority vs. Celestia's desire not to. There are several reasons:

- We're supposed to see the council as the bad ponies. They're bad and stupid, and Celestia and Posh Pin are wise and good. This is a boring way to frame the question. Give the council some good points.

- Above point is made worse because the issue being debated doesn't matter. There are no political consequences for doing so or for not doing so. Celestia is the only pony this matters to, so the council's insistence doesn't make sense, and Celestia's reluctance also frankly is a first-world white-pony-problem. it's hard to feel invested in the outcome, or to feel sympathy for Celestia & Posh Pin, when my impulse is to tell them to pony up and stop whining.

- Posh Pin doesn't help your case. His name, his superior attitude, his priggish conservatism, his destroying the political process by working back channels... I don't like him. He makes his side of the debate seem like knee-jerk conservatism blocking the path of progress.

- We don't know any of the council members other than Posh, who is functionally against the council. They are faceless, nameless antagonists who turn on a dime for the resolution.

- The story says that "the council is full of young bucks that they can’t remember how important how important Princess Luna was to Equestria". It's been less than one day since the battle. Are these ponies, or goldfish? I think this conflict would be stronger if they hated Luna, if they were angry at her and angry at Celestia for forgiving her, than if they just... forgot? Were negligent?

- On that point, they should still be in shock from the battle and sweeping up rubble, catching up on sleep, searching for survivors, preparing for the move out of the ruined castle, or just trying to stop bleeding. Surely on the evening of the battle with Luna, or possibly the morning after, Celestia has more important things to do than argue over ceremonial titles (in a castle that is canonically in ruins, no less).

Seriously, change the chronology so this is a year after the battle, not less than a day after it. That just doesn't work.

- The resolution is that Celestia gives an inspiring speech and the council is caught up in the enthusiasm and goes along with her. That isn't how you defeat antagonists.

The plot is too slim to support the story. I suggest keeping that story, but condensing all this "Hail Queen Celestia!" stuff into one scene at the start, and having Celestia do something in response. Like saying, "Okay. I am Queen Celestia. All other noble titles and their privileges are now void. I declare this council disbanded and my authority absolute. The miscegenation laws are now repealed. Land will be redistributed and public education integrated. I'm seizing your mansions and turning them into public housing. Report to the unemployment office tomorrow for your new work assignments." Then figure out how to get from there to the same ending you have now.

>>Bad Horse

I suggest keeping that story, but condensing all this "Hail Queen Celestia!" stuff into one scene at the start, and having Celestia do something in response. Like saying, "Okay. I am Queen Celestia. All other noble titles and their privileges are now void. I declare this council disbanded and my authority absolute. The miscegenation laws are now repealed. Land will be redistributed and public education integrated. I'm seizing your mansions and turning them into public housing. Report to the unemployment office tomorrow for your new work assignments." Then figure out how to get from there to the same ending you have now.

Sounds more like Chairmare Celestia, haha!

>>Remedyfortheheart

The author in this piece tends to skip certain things and comes right down to the point. “Luna sat down next to Big Mac.” is an example. The use here could have been hightlighted better “Luna took to her seat. Resting her anxious filled self next to the closest comfort she had on the Apple Farm.” This can do two things. One: it offers a reasoning behind the action and two:It gives way for the reader to sense and see how Luna might be seating herself, thus adding to the simple action of sitting without adding a bunch of unneeded fluff.

I'm going to have to disagree here that this is a problem. Bare actions are kind of the staging equivalent of using the speaking verb "said" a lot — it might feel like that's a repetition issue, but the reality is that it's a sort of invisible word, retreating into the background, and readers will gloss over it in order to put more emphasis on the dialogue itself.

If sitting down next to Big Mac is establishing a physical fact and other parts of the scene are carrying the emotional resonance, then throwing the action in and moving past it to the emotionally important parts is perfectly fine. Now, there's nothing saying that you shouldn't use actions to establish emotions — just like nobody but the pedants are going to object to you tagging occasional dialogue with "whispered" or "growled" — but the fact is that it can be made to work either way, as long as the story is covering the emotional ground in some fashion. (My own impression was that it did. Author, you may want to straw-poll this, and see whether most readers found the story moving or whether most readers found it flat; that will tell you much more about how problematic this is than any individual opinion.)

But the bigger reason I'm speaking up here is that, if you are going to fix it and use actions to emotionally liven up the scene, don't do it by naked telling. "Resting her anxious filled self" is the narrator straight-up making an editorial judgment on Luna's state (note also: "anxious" is an adjective, so it can't fill things). "Anxiously" is equally telly, but much better in that at least it compresses the judgment into one word instead of five. If you're trying to establish Luna's emotional state with action, do it by showing: describe her tense muscles, or say she sat "stiffly".

"Next to the closest comfort she had on the Apple Farm" actually isn't as bad, because while strictly speaking it's telling, the story is from Luna's perspective, and it's telling us her thoughts. "The closest comfort" isn't the narrator's judgment, it's Luna's, and so we are learning information that would be more unwieldy to establish through dialogue (unless there was already a conversation planned about the subject) and difficult to convey through body language.

… and actually, searching the story for "Luna sat", this is the only occurrence of those words:

Princess Luna sat down at the dining table now laden with minestrone soup, waldorf salad, and, of course, her lemon chiffon pie. She stared at it as the other members of the Apple family took their seats. A part of her was actually fearful of what the others might say when they tried her dessert. She made sure to squish and destroy that part of her. She was a princess of Equestria! She did not care what the common rabble had to say about her cooking abilities.

… so I would say that the author here is neither using bare action nor shying away from the emotional struggles. (Nor for that matter, skimping on the descriptions.) The actual text of the story frankly is better than either of our off-the-cuff examples.

Remedy, can you copy and paste a quote from the story that you felt was thin on description, or matter-of-fact about the action? Let's ground this discussion in the story's text as written.

I have little to add to what the prestigious reviewers above have already said. The overall impression I had is one of flimsiness. The plot is a bit shallow, and I don’t know why the council would argue about keeping or getting or Luna’s throne, which seems a very minor issue. Besides, I frankly doubt a royal council would be made up of upstarts, with only one senior councillor.

Also, well, I agree with Wyvern that the execution lacks punch. You steer for something that tries to tug on the heartstrings, but it is too insubstantial to do so. Show us more of Celestia’s longing, maybe her entering in Luna’s room, collecting some objects, etc.

But nevertheless, it’s a very commendable story — well better than mine. Thanks for writing.

Why would Twilight plagiarize well-known bedtime stories for her friendship reports? That's just a failure of common sense, never mind why Twilight Sparkle would plagiarize anything in the first place.

There's a bunch of weird stuff like that in this story. Why is erudite, educated Spike, who's worked as Twilight's assistant for years, unaware of even the word plagiarism? Why does plagiarizing a single friendship report mean that Celestia can revoke Twilight's titles? Luna tried to take over the world and she got to keep her crown; Discord tried to take over the world three times and he gets to have tea with Fluttershy on Tuesdays. Twilight's offense, besides being highly out of character, does not match the punishment.

I could see this working as a comedy, where Twilight reads Spike an old fable, realizes the similarity between its message and the contents of her friendship reports, and starts freaking out about accidentally plagiarizing Neighsop (or whoever), and then Celestia by coincidence asks her to Canterlot, and Twilight freaks out and - you know, something like that, something that would be perfectly in character for Twilight to do: berate herself for making a simple error which she then blows out of proportion. There'd also be room for some meta-commentary on the whole notion of writing in general, on the fact that there are only so many original stories out there, and that most everything is just iterations on well-beaten premises and themes.

This is not the way to tell that story, however, sorry.

>>horizon

Author, you may want to straw-poll this, and see whether most readers found the story moving or whether most readers found it flat; that will tell you much more about how problematic this is than any individual opinion.)

I'm erring on your side here, Orange Horse Person. That kind of prose is overladen with unnecessary description, not to mention it's unpleasant to read. It's also impractical in a contest where you have to be economical with your word choice.

This would easily be at the top of my slate if it were on my slate. I really like how social facts and relationships are woven in among the technical ones, like the poetry and the observations about Flurry & Cadence. I like it when a few words convey vast amounts of information, like how "The most-upvoted response" tells us the previous poem was posted on an interactive network like the Web which measures upvotes like Reddit, and that upvotes are salient, indicating a culture of egalitarian democracy.

The story used the words 'literal' / 'literally' 6 times, which is about 5 times too many.

Helping the changelings survive is problematic, though that's not your fault; the setting leaves you stuck having to say something about them. I realize my belief that saving the changelings is like saving the timber wolves is a minority viewpoint.

Matumaini ('hope'): It's chic to use a Swahili word, but only in an online publication, where Google is close at hand. In print, it would be as much of a dick move as using an untranslated Latin phrase.

the 2.5 million light-years to Hope could be covered with an intergalactic banishment of just under two thousand subjective Equestrian years.

The irony, Twilight often noted, could not have possibly been lost on Celestia.

... am I missing something? Just under 1000 = ironic. Just under 2000 = ???

It's admirable how that big wall o' text infodump has 3 different points, at the start, in the middle, and at the end, where it connects to something else--the existence of the aliens at the start, new head-canon about Equestria in the middle, and Luna's banishment at the end. It's admirable that the author had enough restraint to hold off on the infodump this long.

Not a minor quibble: The impact of the last line is broken because it doesn't grammatically fit with the sentences before. I figured out that it meant "We'll make friends with everyone we find," but to do so I had to stop and re-read the last several sentences a few times, try to think of possible interpretations, and finally decide that must be the interpretation even though it didn't make any sense grammatically. That killed the dramatic impact. When it comes to central story points or dramatic moments, whenever possible, & when not deliberately handing out puzzle pieces, make things clear, not just clear enough that the reader can figure it out. (Unless the impact comes from the delayed realization.) I put that in italics because a lot of authors argue with me on that point. Requiring extra cognitive effort to parse sentences or resolve pronouns is far more destructive than authors realize, especially in sentences that are supposed to have emotional impact. It's like telling a joke this way:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It demarcated the boundary between where it wanted to be and where it was.

By the time you figure out what it means, the joke is dead.

>>Bugle There's no technobabble here. This is hard SF.

Hard SF quibbles:

"Canterlot Castle, 120.47138 kilometers away" -- 0.00008 km = 8 cm. This is more precise than the measurement can be meaningfully defined. To be that precise, you have to answer questions like: Are you taking the nearest point of the castle, the nearest point of its bounding convex surface, the nearest point of a simplified polygon representation (to eliminate irregularities in its surface), the nearest point on the surface of the land, its center of mass, etc.? Are you measuring to the nearest point on Twilight, to Twilight's center of mass? Are you measuring at the moment she begins thinking the proposition, the moment she stops, or are you taking a path integral over Twilight's center of mass throughout that thought? Etc. The implication of such a precise measurement is that Twilight is now an artificial intelligence, as only an AI could make use of such precision. Either that, or their user interface technology is both highly advanced and stupid.

"If Celestia grabbed Shard and "raised" it to in front of Equestria—leveraging unicornium's unique properties to do so without pushing the planet backward and "slowing down" Equestria in normal three-dimensional space—she could then turn on its gravity and have it pull the system's center of gravity forward."
-- This allows you to build a free energy pump. In other words, it breaks the universe. It would be better not to mention this speed-up method.

Besides the grammatical and typographical problems (which are a recurring problem that goes beyond just minor errors missed in proofreading), this story was a joy to read. If I had any suggestion in particular, it'd be that you do more to justify Pinkie's presence. She's the lynchpin here. Give her a reason to be there in the first place. It's just a little too convenient as is.

Pinkie Pie is the key to all of this. If you can get Pinkie working. Because she's a funnier character than we've had in any of the other stories.

Heh, good comedy. Good use of running jokes. I'm not too sure why Twilighttwo was turned down for the job, though. She seemed fairly qualified.

But yeah, people!Luna doesn't talk like she came out of a BBC Production of Shakespeare.

>>Posh
Like Equestrian physics, the show gives us a choice of incompatible Lunas to choose from.

You're right that EqG Luna uses no archaisms, tho.

>>Posh

I'm not too sure why Twilighttwo was turned down for the job, though. She seemed fairly qualified.

She could've had if she wanted it, but not being allowed to live in the library was a dealbreaker.

>>FanOfMostEverything oh, true. I guess I thought Celly let her get away a little too easily though.

I've abstained from voting on this officially, because I agree with the other comments. I don't see how this meets the prompt.

But I want to at least give you some praise for the way you handled the story. You captured Rarity's voice beautifully, and what little relationship develops between her and Harshwhinney feels natural. In another time and place, I could easily see this landing in my favorites.

Congratulations on writing a moving story. But I'm afraid I have to pass on it.

I like this story. Although the Celestia-rewriting-history thing is probably clichéd, I was drawn in to Daring’s story and I enjoyed finding out about the truth along with Daring. Experiencing the mystery unfold was fun.

I think the biggest problem I had with this story was the cuts to the Twilight/Daring Do scene. I felt like it didn’t progress very well; it stayed pretty one-note until the scene where Daring Do discovers that Celestia and Luna were wiping people out. Then it really added more context to the scene; it gave the reason Daring Do doesn’t want to add this to history books, and why she doesn’t share Twilight’s excitement. It heightened my investment in the Twilight/Daring Do convo. However, other than that, the scenes with Twilight don’t add a whole lot. For example, there are two scenes that establish the exact same thing early on in the story: both scenes start with Twilight eager to hear about Daring Do’s adventures, and the scenes end with a line that imply pretty much the same idea and tone: [“Yeah. Yeah, I’ve seen lots of things.”] [“Yeah, there have been a lot of those…”]. I think either less Twilight scenes or more progression in the Twilight scenes would’ve helped.

Nitpick: I think you used too many italics to stress words. Italicized words are like light sabers: they're great tools, but the more you use them in a story, the lesser the impact they can have. A majority of the italicized words here could simply be un-italicized and still have the same effect. Same thing goes for ellipses, imo. Both got distracting after a while.

>>Haze

isn't that fun?

haze made his point well, imo, and I agree with him.

In general, if you'd like to point something out as constructive criticism for reviews, great! Personally, I appreciate hearing how my reviews could be better or more helpful. There's limits to my skills as an amateur writer, of course, but I'll do my best.

However, the suggested implementation sounded more like a shaming thing than a constructive thing. All I ask is that people please be constructive if you'd like to see something more or better out of reviews, but not demanding. For me, working up the self-confidence to think I'd have something helpful to say in a review is already a challenge.

/twocents

>>FrontSevens
Could you please elaborate what this is all about? Did someone call for a way to rate reviews in the chat or something?

>>wYvern
Someone brought up that they'd like to see the phrase "well-written" used less in reviews, and they had a fair point. "Well-written" is a complement, but sort of a vague term--does it mean technical competence, or does it mean the prose flowed well, or does it mean it evoked the story's intended emotion/tone through word choice, etc. I've used "well-written" before and I'm starting to see its vagueness.

A suggestion was made that at the end of the round, all reviews using the phrase "well-written" would be compiled into one comment to point them all out. It didn't seem like a constructive method to me. Again, it's a fair point, but it's the method I disagree with, is all.

>>FrontSevens
Thanks for clearing that up.

On topic: I use well-written exactly because it is vague. I use it as a term to mean everything I do not criticize. If something really stood out, I might mention what I loved in particular, but I try to concentrate on finding things to point out where the story could improve. I don't feel obliged to provide already competent writers with fancier compliments.

>>Posh

I could see this working as a comedy, where Twilight reads Spike an old fable, realizes the similarity between its message and the contents of her friendship reports, and starts freaking out about accidentally plagiarizing Neighsop (or whoever), and then Celestia by coincidence asks her to Canterlot, and Twilight freaks out and - you know, something like that, something that would be perfectly in character for Twilight to do: berate herself for making a simple error which she then blows out of proportion. There'd also be room for some meta-commentary on the whole notion of writing in general, on the fact that there are only so many original stories out there, and that most everything is just iterations on well-beaten premises and themes.

I just might plagiarize that.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. It's obvious that the author is skilled and knows what they're doing, and I don't think that the story is bad. But I just did not get much actual enjoyment from it.

So sorry, author. It's not you, it's me.

This story has a good idea going for it. I like the idea of the main six as sovereign rulers having to deal with a corrupted Cadence. I think it’s clever the way that Cadence is dealt with eventually.

However, my problem with this story is that much of it is told through expositional dialogue. Like, a lot, if not most. The plot by itself boils down to: the main six discuss how to defeat Cadence, and Cadence confronts Twilight, with two scenes of Fluttershy and Twilight reflecting on each. It doesn’t feel like a lot has happened proportional to how much is talked about. I’m told through dialogue that Cadence is corrupted and gaining ground in a war, I’m told what the wonderbolts are doing, why they can’t use the elements, where Discord is, where Celestia and Luna are, that battles are happening, but I feel like I’m not seeing as much plot as I want to or need to. I think this either needed to be longer to better show things and space out time (words) between exposition, or the exposition needed to be cut down. War is told and not shown so much that the war feels more like background noise.

There are things told through characterizing moments [Starlight cleared her throat. “Heartbreak’s army is—” “Cadance’s.”], and I appreciate that, but I feel like it needed more. There are also some smaller instances of unnecessary telling when showing was already doing the job [Twilight was aghast at the suggestion. “Rainbow!”] [It was like—” She struggled, trying to find the words. “I don’t know how to explain it.].

The second scene was too short, I think, to have the emotional impact it seems to be trying to have. It’s a bit of a pacing issue, but it also doesn’t help that infodump is paired with somewhat sudden crying.

>>RogerDodger
then I shall correct the sarcastic line: "it is not fun."

I kept expecting there to be some sort of clever twist here, like discovering that Twilight had written the book, or that the author of the book was the one who had plagiarized Twilight's letters. If something like that had happened, this story could have work as a comedy. But instead it played everything straight, which means you don't get to ignore logic like comedies sometimes do. So I found myself wondering why Celestia's butler was reading her fables, why Twilight would be driven to cheat, why Spike doesn't know what plagiarism is, and so on.

You know what’s going to happen. You’ll never forgive yourself for this. Nopony will blame you for running away now. Pull a “Sunset Shimmer,” her intellect told her.

The story also would have been more interesting if Twilight had decided to run away and live with Sunset instead.

On the whole, I think this story is actually pretty decent, but the concept is too flawed for me to call it good.

>>FanOfMostEverything

to say nothing of the frankly ridiculous degree of the punishment. Dethroning a reigning princess for plagiarism? On the first offense?

I don't know about that. I think that the punishment is fitting and makes sense, especially since Celestia made it clear that Twilight can still re-earn her position. And Twilight doesn't seem to do any actual ruling right now, so it's not like this will destabilize the government or anything.

I'm not sure your title is actually appropriate as the only bell is one in the first sentence.

So this story was... well, there's stuff I liked and stuff I didn't.

I liked the speeches at the end. They were pretty cliche, but still made me smile.

I didn't like the interactions between Sunset and the other major figures. Starlight's voice never seemed right to me. Nor did Twilight's, or Celestia's, or even Luna's... The flow of conversation just didn't seem natural to me. It never felt like a real conversation.

I liked the core concept here of needing to decide whether or not to return to the old land or the new one.

I disliked that it never really actually felt like a choice because it was pretty obvious Sunset was going to stick around. At no point did I feel like there was any real tension here.

Really, it was a pretty mixed bag and I am unfortunately out of things to say (Short Story is a lot harder to critique than minifics for me, unfortunately. I think it's a very solid foundation, but the details just don't always work for me.

Verdict: Good start.

The writing was a bit awkward at times, but it was rather funny overall, so I enjoyed it.

Two small nitpicks: 1) I can't see Pinkie's mom actually telling a yo mama joke. 2) It probably would have been better to set this before Twilight became an alicorn, since there doesn't seem to be any reason to set it after, and she did move the sun in the season four premiere. These issues make me wonder if this story was written by someone who hasn't seen the relevant episodes, but it's also completely possible that they have, and just decided to ignore the problems in the name of comedy, which is okay.

Great story; definitely one of my favorites so far.

I can't really think of anything that was necessarily wrong with this story, but I also didn't find it very engaging or enjoyable. I think this is another case of a perfectly good author writing a perfectly good story that was simply not meant for me. If you held a gun to my head and forced me to tell you what I didn't like about this story, I might say that the entire second half was predictable or that I just couldn't stand the Council, but I also don't think that those reasons are an adequate explanation. I think it just comes down to "not my thing."

Disclaimer: Shipfics are not for me. Sexual comedies are also not for me. So the long and the short of it is this story was very, very much not for me.

That being said, I can't find anything wrong with it besides my general disinterest in basically everything. So, uh, I think this is a good job?

Oh, and you did get one genuine hearty laugh from me for this bit:

"Thou will want for nothing. All will be provided to thee: shelter, food, status, all of it given and all of it of the highest quality, and as our head concubine thou shall be the first in line to attempt to sate thine majesty's appetite as well as the privilege of using any other member of our harem for thine own pleasure. And if thou hast thine heart set on a family of thine own, then thou would certainly be allowed to take a wife to sire thy bloodline. For what reason couldst thou possibly deny thyself such a position?"

Macintosh blinked. "It's almost dinner time an' it's my turn to cook."

Anyway, sorry I'm not much help, but there is basically nothing here for me.

Verdict: not for me.

>>Xepher


I mean, Chrysalis' cruelty and kindness combined are hallmarks of emotional abuse. The way she speaks to him, and her use of pronouns in particular, is an attempt to rob him of his humanity. Or, you know, whatever word would be the pony/changeling equivalent. The way Chrysalis was written really frightened me.

I think whoever wrote this story might be slightly psychic, because this is a relevant thing that apparently just happened. Even more relevant is the first comment:

If Twilight Sparkle ever stole notes from Moondancer during her school years, I don't think she would be qualified at all to be princess.
-Steve

>>FrontSevens
>>Haze
>>wYvern
>>FrontSevens
>>RogerDodger
>>Haze

I'd like to nip this in the bud before it becomes any more of an issue than it is currently and is unnecessarily blown out of proportion.

>>FrontSevens

Someone brought up that they'd like to see the phrase "well-written" used less in reviews, and they had a fair point.

This is me and my opinion on the usage of "well-written" in reviews. I don't really see any conversation discussing the relative validity of this opinion to be particularly germane to the Write Off, which is why I choose to discuss it informally as a particular commentary on trends of reviewing I've noticed in the Write Off Discord chat.

>>FrontSevens

A suggestion was made that at the end of the round, all reviews using the phrase "well-written" would be compiled into one comment to point them all out. It didn't seem like a constructive method to me. Again, it's a fair point, but it's the method I disagree with, is all.

This refers to an offhand comment Roger made in response to me noting the use of "well-written" in the reviews so far. Essentially he said that I should make a list and point out the frequency of the usage. I assume this was not a particularly serious recommendation, and it is not in my interest to "shame" anyone, nor do I think it is Roger's intention that anyone be "shamed" as well. I didn't respond to that comment Roger made or make any indication that I was planning to do anything of the sort.

>>Haze

apparently everyone who uses "well-written" in their reviews is going to be called out and shamed at the end of the event.

isn't that fun?

I like Haze. But I can't help but feel a bit disrespected in being called out for something that I never intended to do as if I were plotting some sort of reviewer-bashing conspiracy, and on behalf of Roger, who is a friend of mine that I've known for years now, who was not given the benefit of the assuming good intentions when he was making that kind of wry joke. I think it is a case of irony that a post claiming to be against calling people out and shaming them essentially was written for that end, especially when it is not truthful. But I don't think Haze wrote his post with poor intentions either. He was being protective of a community he values, in perhaps a slightly abrasive way, but nonetheless the concern is there.

I don't want this discussion to continue. I don't see the point of stirring up drama on this board.

well-written

YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD AHHHHHH!

>>Cassius
Every entry in the WriteOff should be considered ‘well-written’ by default.

Unless it’s mine, of course, in which case the opposite is true.

OH my god. I just got the last line. What the hell. What. The hell.

I found this story thoroughly engaging throughout, although you probably could do without the second "Applejack's little Sister" line.

Parts of it don't make sense but I'm not really sure if it's supposed to make sense. I'm actually almost certain that you made up a new kind of sense for this story to exist in.

it's true, this type of story has been done often.

I'll start with the mini-stories, as Luna remembers each of the ponies' lives and their ends. each one had a little something new I hadn't seen before, while still being true to the characters. a little bit of the author's personal touch, those original ideas, I think goes a long way to keeping readers interested in this trope, instead of dismissing it as a cliche. some might prefer more inventiveness over tradition, but I think it was just enough to work well, while still being grounded in canon.

so, I liked the Mane 6's mini-stories. they were pretty nice. one of them gave me a little inspiration for an odd story idea.

*

but there's one more story: Luna's story. the framing story that ties them all together. I do like good framing stories.

this one falls into a common mental trap. a trap I've known well myself when trying framing stories! the structure is boring.

Luna goes to Rainbow. and then she goes to Rarity. and then she goes to Fluttershy. and then, and then, etc.

you could rearrange these in any order, except for the final pony, who MUST be last. these kinds of stories are much stronger if there's a reason for the order you chose. outside of obvious chronological order, they need some kind of link - one pony should lead to the next for a reason (e.g. there's a good reason Applejack is last. notice how that's the part where Luna's story starts becomes interesting). otherwise you could just throw out the framing story and have it be 6 seperate chapters that are linked together.

without that structure, everything depends on the strength of the individual mini-stories holding it up. and again, I think these are pretty strong on their own, but imagine if they weren't? readers will notice the pattern, and if they don't enjoy (let's say) Fluttershy's story, they'll skim past it looking for the next pony's story. or even worse, stop reading there. I might read another story about the Mane 6 dying, and get the details mixed up with this one.

as a more unified whole, it becomes a lot more difficult for a reader to skip sections, mix up details, or forget the order. it'll make a bigger impact.

“Why? Because as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m a business pony at heart, and it’s high time I started making a profit. Do you know what I’ve been doing these past millennia? Building demand. As any good business pony knows, and I think you’ll find that I’m a very good business pony, all commerce runs on the principle of supply and demand. And for the longest time, there was just too much time! Too much supply! Did you know, in the earliest ages, there was so much extra time lying about that no pony ever died? Your Celestia is a holdover from those early years. A bit of a hoarder, that one, but who can blame her? Business was hard then. Who would spend money on something you could pick up anywhere? Something as common as air and water? So I waited. I let you little ponies use my time for free, let you waste it. And you ponies really are so very wasteful, have you ever noticed? Hundreds of millions of years passed, and ponies began to die. I didn’t step in then, though. I decided to let them taste it for a while, let them develop a terrible taste for bitter inevitable death. Even then, I didn’t step in. I was building up demand. The less there was, the more valuable my stock became. So I let them die for a few millennia, let them forget the banquet of everlasting life. But our time is now, your time is now, Fluttershy. Time is running out for us all, but yours quicker than most. Because I’m back, and I’ve brought eternal life back into the world. For a price. And you, Fluttershy, owe me quite a bit.”

Writer's Pro Tip: Every line of text in a paragraph, especially dialogue, past the fifth halves the amount of readers who will read past the second or so.

The entire story ended up being a setup for an exposition dump which makes no sense.

Literally just off the top of my head, here's some things the God of Time could have done with his powers instead if he needed money: Wine and cheese, reforestation for lumber mills, antique restoration, archaeological fraud, "organic" refridgeration -- Fresh, never frozen!, honestly anything requiring fermentation, miracle surgeon, the manufacture of complex minerals and fossil fuels...or if he's just in it for the long game, set up investment banking ten thousand years ago and live off the accumulated interest.

Instead you took the concept of this character towards extortion and fraud.

Why?

You never establish why he needs money, other than that he does. Why the mane 6 as his first customers? So he can trivially kill the only 'possible' threat to a mad God? If he's the God of time, what threat would they pose anyway? Why murder Fluttershy? He's repossessing her of her time, which he has an infinite amount of, just killing her accomplishes nothing! It doesn't even send a better message than giving her just enough to say goodbye! Or let her live and pay off the interest indefinitely for threat of repossession! And, perhaps of greatest personal interest to me, why wasn't Discord, Fluttershy's canon God friend, involved?

Look, what I'm trying to say was this was interestingly written, but you do nothing in service of your own concept. His character interactions make no sense. His means of making money in no way support the concept you've given him; the only thing that ties his extortion to his powers is that he's selling his powers as a product. That connection is not in and of itself interesting or explain why there aren't better, more ethical ways for him to do this. More importantly, they don't explain why he wouldn't try those, or would try those, or anything.

There is no explanation or justification for anything here other than this is what has happened. And it strained my suspension of disbelief to snapping point.

That he's being unethical with his powers could have been interesting if the end result wasn't so nonsensical.

And I don't see how it really ties to the prompt either. I mean, I do, I just find that connection tenuous.

>>wYvern

I was going to critique that a god with a unique currency to offer does not need money, and would not need business schemes to get what he wants. Then, I thought about how making money seems to become its own merit in the humans of our world, even if they already have more than they could ever hope to spend in a single lifetime... which means it kinda isn't a valid critique.

It's simple; Because that's not established in-story. Your critique is valid.

Well, all I could say is bit of a mix of all that has already been said.

The prose is fine. There’s nothing to say about the execution. It's a nifty parable, though it left me with a bit of a déjà vu aftertaste.

Simply, it doesn't feel really pony. Simple world-building without any particular exploitation of the background.

I have some questions:

1. Why does the God of Time targets Fluttershy among all other ponies? Because she's the most gullible?
2. Why would the God of Time need real money?
3. Why does he want to be paid back in time rather than in bits?
4. What does he gain at the end?

So I agree with the others. It's a fine example of send-up on business practices by pedlars, and at the end the dark twist is unexpected and nonsensical. Not bad, though.

How did Spitfire notice the hospital gown under the sheets and without noticing the bandages?

Ah. Seems we have a variation on the “broken-winged Dash” subgenre.

If they need to amputate, there’s much more than “a good chance” that Spitfire will never fly again. Unless pony medical science has already developed those prosthetics from the Sombra timeline in “The Cutie Re-Mark.” I suppose this could be seen as letting Spitfire down easy, but it feels almost cruel in the false hope it provides.

Yes, Soarin’, she’s never going to fly again. Her wing got cut off. That’s a pretty definitive end to an aerobatic career.

The walk to the balloon is nicely emotional, but the thank-yous would have a lot more impact if you identified the speakers. Don’t just say that Spitfire recognizes each and every one of them. Prove it. Here's a rundown of some canon Wonderbolt names if you can’t think of any.

I agree with Posh in that this story would have more impact if it opened at the bar. The Soarin’ line I criticized could make a lot more sense to the reader that way, plus it gives Spitfire a chance to let the mask slip for a moment in her angry incredulity.

This needs a bit more proofreading polish and refinement, but you have a solid foundation, hitting the tragic notes without crossing the line into excessively maudlin.

I do love seeing a truly noble take on Princess Platinum.

An excellent tale of the dark reality behind the not-Christmas pageant. I especially like the parallels between Platinum and Peridot’s denial when losing loved ones. With regards to Bad Horse’s comment about Peridot’s egalitarianism, I think that could be addressed by starting the story earlier, so we can watch her haughtiness erode under the pressures of the long road and the needs of survival. Still, you probably should tone it down a bit. It's hard to believe that tribal divisions could ever flare up in this generation after such an arduous exodus.

Okay, I have to admit, I like “for peat’s sake” as a low-grade earth pony expletive.

The use of “kid” is a bit questionable, unless Kokirin had a sizable goat population.

The montage is amusing, but I think it might benefit from fleshing out each scene, giving more setup before delivering the punchline. Also, the frequent section breaks will probably look a lot better on Fimfiction than they do here.

In all, this was a fun story with some fascinating ideas, but there’s definitely room for improvement. Link may have a habit of doing whatever quest he’s assigned—especially when it comes from his princess—but as Haze noted, Brave Heart feels very passive when it comes to redefining his whole life. Also, Button Mash is relegated to a MacGuffin; he’s used as a reason for Brave to stop gallivanting about the land, but we never actually see father and son interact. You have a good base. Now you need to build on it.

Between the phrasing and the carefully applied italicization, you have a magnificent grasp on Rarity’s voice.

This is one of the most fascinating and improbable shipfics I’ve ever read. Personally, I think it fits the prompt just fine. Personal eras can end just as well as national or geological ones, especially an era that spans most of a person’s life.

This story isn't on my slate; I read it because I saw it getting a lot of comments that sounded unreasonable, so I checked. I disagree with a lot of them. This story is (mostly) great.

As to being pony, it's pony because Fluttershy, Angel, and Twilight are pony, and because a God of Time fits in Equestria better than he would into generic fantasy settings. The story grows out of Fluttershy's personality and her relationship with Angel Bunny, and the personalities of Twilight and Angel are also useful to it. I don't understand the "not pony" complaints at all. The original point of fan-fiction is to write about the characters, and this does that better than any of the other stories I've read in this competition, so ???

Character voicing is done well. Fluttershy, the God of Time, and the narrator all have distinctive & consistent voices. The GoT's voice is Discord's voice, though, which is odd in an MLP story, because then it seems Discord is disguising himself in order to kill Flutters. That probably isn't what you intended.

I would ignore the comments asking why Discord GoT wants money, or why he wants payment back in time. This kind of story is not that literal. This is a pseudo-fairy tale. Story elements are, let's say, symbolic.

The dark ending, though... it's a choice. Maybe it's not a bad choice. It feels like a questionable tonal shift, though. This story is unique enough, and out-of-place enough, that we struggle to locate it in story-space, and we might need some extra hints in the start and middle about how dark it might be.

I'm undecided on how much of a problem the wall-o-text is which MrNumbers commented on. It is a wall of dialogue, but it's great dialogue, and it's supposed to come out in an overpowering rush. It is hostile. Maybe break it in two & insert a response from Flutters before "So I waited".

The only thing I can single out as bad is a semantic mismatch:

“My friends will stop you!” Fluttershy cried. “Twilight will stop you!”

“Actually,” the God of Time said, pausing, “I think you’re right. I believe Twilight Sparkle will be my next customer.

Actually, he doesn't think she's right. He doesn't think Twilight will stop him. Change that from "I think you're right" to something like "you have a point. Perhaps I should make Twilight..." As it is, it stopped me and broke the flow of the story at the worst possible moment.

I’m a bit disappointed you didn’t point out the absurdity of how the New Lunar “Republic” is still led by a princess.

As others have noted, your command of Early Modern English is shaky at best. Either lose the archaic diction or do some more research on proper usage and conjugation. Aside from that, not bad. Some good strategic drama, but not much new. The last moral dilemma feels tacked on in an attempt to add more poignancy. Still, definitely more good than bad.

Oh. Well, this is an interesting premise.

Not sure how I feel about the justification for not employing the Rainbow Beam of Fix Everything™, Eyesore Edition®. It comes down to two factors: How Heartbreak behaves around Flurry and whether Flurry sees Rainbow Power as harming her mother. I don’t have a firm enough grasp on what Flurry thinks or how old she is to know what she thinks of her mother going mad. Plus, if Nightmare Moon couldn’t push back the Elements with a single user, why could Flurry shield against a full sextet? To say nothing of how apparently alicorn banishing doesn’t need the Elements in the first place; bit of an anticlimax there.

Again, fascinating idea, but the details aren’t quite there. Adding more before this segment will do a lot. This would work very well as the buildup and final climax of a longer story where readers won’t need all of the exposition.

Foam rubber nest-beds for young griffins? I love it.

Why would ponies reject help from the Crusaders with what they’re destined to do? Yes, they were troublemakers when they were fillies, but this is several years hence, presumably after they’ve built up a reputation for handling magic butt tattoo-based identity crises. The way you’re writing them sound less like teenagers and more like they just got their marks. Especially if they still don’t have a name for their occupational therapy.

Wow, Scoots. Rude.

In all, this was interesting, but didn’t feel cohesive. Looking back, I think I can see the thread tying it all together, but during the read, it came across as disjointed. I’m sorry to say that I’m not sure how to improve that. Still, you definitely have a good start. Refine the Crusaders’ characterization and smooth the rough edges and this will be a very interesting coming-of-age story.

Okay, the mention of small children made this go from vaguely amusing to vaguely disturbing.

Uh. Hmm. Well…

Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should critique this. Aside from better minds than mine already having taken their crack at it, it’s a crackfic and proud of it. I suppose I agree that it would benefit from going even more ridiculous; the opening may be dull by design, but it’s still dull. In short… well, you definitely got what you were going for.

A story that spends roughly half its wordcount blithely spouting exposition for the reader to understand the world, ultimately to set-up for a written version of the Soldier: 76 trailer from Overwatch, with some dialogue being stripped word for word. I wonder if I missing some sort of in-joke with this story, especially with the ham-fisted inclusion of "All Lives Matter" and the boob-jokes, but ultimately if this was some sort of parody, it should have gone for a more irreverent tone and not directly copied lines of dialogue from the short.

Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required

Five-Point Scale Explained:

*Excellent: the story excels at both in the story that it tells and its technical composition. Minor problems can be present, but they are more negligible and don't heavily impact the story.

*Above Average: the story suffers from some issues either with its presentation or internal logic that prevent it from being excellent, but displays clear skill in one or more areas that set it above other entries

*Okay: Stories that have clear problems that are counterbalanced by their competent writing, or stories that do not excel in any particular aspect, but are also not crippled in any particular aspect.

*Minor Fixes Necessary: A story that has at least one major issue that prevents it from a fully realized work, but can be fixed with some rearrangements or improvements that do not involve major reconstruction of the story.

*Heavy Maintenance Required: A story that is crippled from a technical or story-telling perspective that would require a major reconstructive effort in order to succeed.

Is it some sort of strange coincidence that a story that plagiarizes a cinematic trailer is immediately followed up by a story detailing the consequences of plagiarism?

As others have said, the issue of this story is mainly in the conceit of its premise, which, barring any potential explanation, reveal or understanding, comes as completely and inexplicably out of character for Twilight. The story also lacks any sort of tension, because the scene progression is essentially:

Celestia: I'm going to punish Twilight for plagiarism

Twilight: oh no I'm going to punished for plagiarism

Celestia: you are punished for plagiarism

Twilight: I've learned my lesson!

This could very well work in a longer form story that details how we got to Twilight plagiarizing some work and there being some fear built up over being found out, but not in its own story. A story that goes exactly as dialogue states it will go is not a story that has good grounds for dramatic tension.

Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required

>>horizon

In accordance with horizon's assessment, the opening scene reads like the opening monologue for a television show that is played every episode before the credits, not an actual introduction. An introduction in writing needs to be written with a strong hook that cuts a swath into the reader's mind and instantly introduces them to the story in an exciting or compelling manner.

The technical aspects of this story's presentation are what need the most work. The prose and construction of this story need a lot of fine tuning to be more artful in order to make their contents intriguing. The majority of the prose is purely utilitarian, giving flat, on the nose descriptions and doesn't particularly engage in any sort of rich language or scene construction. The ideas behind the story are interesting enough, but the author's inexperience marred the execution. The issue with this is story is not the so much the "What" of what is being presented (although there are quite a few questionable beats in the story), but rather "How" it is presented to the reader, which unfortunately is a more difficult and intangible road to improve that comes with experience.

I apologize if this seems condescending author, and I think you had a fine idea for a story.

Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required

Lovely on a technical aspect in terms of sentence structuring and formatting, but ultimately, I feel that the story is stretching itself thin with its long-winded scenes of mostly naked dialogue that don't really establish much beyond what we already know and mainly serves to advance the plot. What I think would most improve this story is the excise of filler content that ultimately serves to distract the reader from the overall story and concentrating on providing a cleaner, more coherent narrative on the theme of growing up and self-discovery. The scenes of the CMC, Twilight, and the griffon are all a bit gratuitously extended beyond the length required to grasp the idea what the author was going for, and a cleaner conclusion would improve my personal understanding of what was meant by the scrap-book greatly. Right now I feel I am merely speculating what its significance is specifically. Cut some of this story's fat and give us some more weight to the bones, and this would make an excellent story.

Opinion: Above Average

Ok.
<rant>
If you want to make Luna speak archaic, then do it without making a mistake almost every line. Thyself not thinself, Thy not thine, thou werest not thou were, art thou not are thou, etc. The text is full of those typos/mistakes, and it makes the burden of reading early modern English more cumbersome than normal.
</rant>

The premise is fine, silly and good, but the execution is lacking. I mean, it starts well, meanders a bit into cliché with Big Macintosh as the hunk of all Equestria, and then well… it veers into being somewhat maudlin. And there's little tension here, as we know of course Big Mac won't pander to Luna's desires, so as soon as he invites her to the kitchen, the dice are thrown. At the end, I'm still wondering why Luna didn't take him away all the same. It failed to convince me she had a good reason to remit.

Fair, but not hitting out of the park, at least for me.