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The Yo Mama Mandate
About one week before the revolution, Twilight Sparkle strolled out of her castle, whistling.
Her Tuesday checklist was filled with activities that several sources indicate to be fulfilling for Twilight. Her friend Applejack had requested help with Applejack’s little sister Apple Bloom’s mathematics homework that morning, and her friend Rarity requested that she also help her own little sister and one of Applejack’s little sister Apple Bloom’s best friends Sweetie Belle with her mathemagics homework, both of which Twilight was eager to assist with. In addition, her friend Rainbow Dash had challenged her to a reading contest (with Twilight’s assistant Spike as a judge, in an effort to make him feel included).
The first item she had planned to check off, though, was a visit to the town hall. The mayor of Ponyville, Mayor Mare, had requested for Twilight to organize the scrolls on which the laws of Ponyville were kept, which Twilight was described as being extremely eager to do. On her way to the town hall, Twilight was reported to have either a spring in her step or a skip in her step. More research is required.
However, by all accounts, Twilight Sparkle was reportedly having a good day, and planning to have a good day prior to arriving at the town hall.
Upon arriving, she was greeted by her friend Pinkie Pie. “Morning, Twilight!” Pinkie said, waving on her way out of the town hall. “How are you on this fine Tuesday the 16th of November, in the year 1338 AD (After Diarchy) of our Princesses Celestia and Luna?”
“I’m great, Pinkie, thanks,” Twilight said. “You sure seem, ah… accurate today.”
“My Pinkie Sense told me historical accuracy is important today.” Pinkie shrugged.
Twilight pulled open the door to town hall, but stopped. “What brings you to town hall so early? To town hall at all, really?”
“Oh, nothing the mayor can help me with,” Pinkie said. “It turns out I’m supposed to escalate my request to the national level, I guess. I’ll be back later. Toodles!” Pinke said, prancing down the road.
Twilight released her magical grip on the door. Townsponies passing by reported Twilight’s face to be moderately baffled and/or bewildered. “Pinkie?” Twilight said. “Wait, Pinkie! Where are you going?”
Pinkie turned around as she trotted away. “I’m off to Canterlot to overturn the Yo Mama Mandate.”
Twilight blinked. “You’re what?”
Twilight did not attend any of her planned events for the rest of that day. Her friends have expressed varying degrees of disappointment, but understood that her actions that day had ultimately benefited the cause.
Rainbow Dash repeatedly requested that the records show that Twilight did not show up to the reading contest because she was afraid she’d lose. And Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony in Equestria. And Twilight has no choice but to admit defeat because Rainbow won by default. And Rainbow totally would’ve won had there actually been a contest. She insists that’s all. For now.
The 8:05 a.m. Canterlot-bound train rumbled along the tracks. Twilight and Pinkie sat opposite each other on the third car down from the engine. Experts still debate to this day whether it was Twilight who sat opposite Pinkie or Pinkie who sat opposite Twilight. Until more evidence is brought forward, the reader is encouraged to decide for themselves for the sake of imagining the discussion.
“Pinkie, I really think you should reconsider,” Twilight said.
Pinkie held up a hoof. “Gimme a second… Yeah, I think I’ll still do it.”
Twilight scooted closer to Pinkie. Glancing at all the ponies seated around them, she whispered, “But these are yo mama jokes we’re talking about, Pinkie. Why can’t we just leave it alone?”
“Because I’m being oppressed, Twilight!” Pinkie not-whispered, not glancing at all the ponies staring at her. “Since when does the government tell us what jokes we can or cannot use? This is abuse of political power in its purest form!”
“But why yo mama jokes, Pinkie? Do you really think that’s the type of joke you should be fighting for?” Twilight held her hooves out. “Don’t you think the basic concept is mean? I mean, the premise is that it’s an insult to the recipient’s mother.”
“Yeah, but nopony ever means it. The fun in the joke isn’t to actually insult yo mama, but to come up with creative insults.” Pinkie wrapped her hoof around Twilight’s shoulder, waving her other hoof in what sources reported to be a grand motion. “Think of the comedic potential! Every day, we could be coming up with new, fun, and innovative ways of insulting other ponies’ mothers!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “So coming up with insults is fun?”
“Yes, now you’re getting it!” Pinkie beamed. “Again, it’s never meant to actually insult anypony. Sometimes it’s just fun to pretend to be mean, y’know?”
“No, I don’t know. Why is pretending to insult somepony’s mother fun? How would mothers feel about that?” Twilight said, laying a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “How would your mother react to a joke like that?”
Pinkie snickered. “She’d probably laugh and tell me a better one.”
Twilight sighed. “Then your mother is insensitive.”
Pinkie’s lips curled up in an objectively sly smile. “How insensitive is my mama, Twilight?”
“What? How should I—oh,” Twilight said, frowning. “Pinkie.”
“Is my mama so insensitive—”
“Pinkie, that’s illegal.”
Though all witnesses present had gasped and covered their ears, many reported seeing Pinkie’s lips move, allegedly to continue telling the rest of the joke, bearing a grin that was almost unanimously described as “mischievous”.
Twilight scowled.
“You get it?” Pinkie said. “ ‘Insensitive’ as in not being able to physically feel—”
“Yeah, I get it.”
Pinkie nudged Twilight on the shoulder. “See? I’m telling you, this kind of joke can be clever.”
Twilight didn’t respond, instead choosing to look out the window at the scenery passing by.
After a few minutes, Pinkie leaned over and grinned. “You’re still here.”
“Yes,” Twilight said, folding her arms, “because I can’t physically stop you from doing this. I can, however, be the voice of reason in case Celestia actually agrees to this, because knowing you, she very well might.”
“Who wouldn’t?” Pinkie said, cradling her face with her hooves and puffing up her cheeks. “Who could disagree with this adorable face?”
“The answer has surprised me in the past.”
“But will the answer surprise you now?” Pinkie jumped up and yelled, “Nopony!”
Twilight glanced at the ponies nearby. “Pinkie, please don’t. Not so loud.”
Pinkie hid her face behind her hooves, then peeked out and whispered with rounded lips, “Nopony.”
Twilight glowered. “Pinkie.”
Pinkie closed her mouth, staring out the window. Twilight took a deep breath, also turning to look out the window. A few minutes of silence passed between them before Pinkie blurted, “Nopony?”
Many earwitnesses reported hearing the distinct sound of a teakettle whistling. Some indicate steam literally erupted from Twilight’s ears, and though the feat is physically impossible, four independent sources have confirmed it.
The heavy doors to the throne room swung open for Pinkie and Twilight. Guards lined the walls, watching over the proceedings of the Day Court. Celestia sat on her throne and smiled at the future leaders of the rebellion.
“Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, it’s a pleasure to see you both,” the Princess said, giving her subjects a gentle bow. “Though there’s no reason to come to me during Day Court. We could have easily met in a less formal setting.”
Pinkie hopped up. “That’s okay, Madame Princess Sir, but I thought Day Court would be more appropriate since it concerns laws and other dry and boring stuff.”
Twilight hid her face behind her hoof.
Princess Celestia chuckled. “Very well. What is your request, Madame Pinkie Sir?”
Pinkie cleared her throat and puffed up her chest. “I would like to propose a proposition that we do away with the Yo Mama Mandate.”
Princess Celestia’s smile disappeared, and a hardened expression took its place. Every guard in the room reported other guards shifting nervously, though not one guard admitted shifting nervously himself, only either shifting boldly or shifting as part of his duties as a member of the Gaurd.
Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “Day Court has now concluded for the day.”
The guards immediately mobilized, ushering ponies out of the room, Twilight and Pinkie included. Pinkie attempted to climb over the guards as they pushed her towards the exit. “But Your Highness Majesty, I haven’t had a chance to present my case yet!”
“Day Court is canceled,” Celestia said. “I cannot mediate any more disputes today.”
The guards pushed Pinkie down. The only visible piece of Pinkie was her hoof, flailing underneath a mass of guards. “Should I have brought this up in a less formal setting? Is that what you meant?”
If any guards near Celestia heard her mutter something under her breath (with a strong emphasis on the “if”), then it was simply their imagination.
Princess Luna rubbed her eyes and yawned. “And you came to me… why?”
“Because we were hoping you wouldn’t shut the door in our faces,” Pinkie said, throwing her arms up. “And you didn’t, so success! But now we’re hoping you’d hear our argument, too.”
“She was hoping that,” Twilight said, crossing her arms. “I was hoping you’d be able to explain to Pinkie why this is a terrible idea. Both repealing the mandate and waking you up this early.”
Princess Luna sighed. “We won’t be overturning that mandate, not anytime soon.”
Pinkie furrowed her brow. “No? Why not?”
Princess Luna’s ears drooped as she walked over to a window, drawing back the curtains. She looked out the window, squinting and shielding her eyes from the sun. She licked her lips. “This mandate was made a long time ago, back when I ruled this place with my sister. We can’t repeal the mandate.” Tears welled up in Princess Luna’s eyes as she looked up at the sun. “Because our momma is so fat, she has her own orbit.”
Pinkie followed Luna’s gaze up to the sun, then gasped. “Oh,” she said, sitting down. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay,” Luna said, squinting and drawing the curtains closed. “It’s a sensitive issue, as you’ve seen. Celestia would rather uphold the mandate for now.”
Pinkie nodded. “Okay. I didn’t realize it was that personal to you. I’m sorry.” Pinkie pulled Luna in for a hug.
Luna returned the hug, smiling. “You’re a very caring pony, Pinkie Pie.”
“I am, aren’t I?” she said, backing away. “Speaking of which, you’re looking very sleepy. We’ll let you get back to bed now,” she said, hopping away.
Twilight squinted, not following Pinkie. “So does the sun have its own orbit, then? I thought Celestia moved the sun. That’s what they taught us in school.”
Princess Luna froze. Her eyes opened all the way, before half-shutting again. “Um, well, wow am I tired. Oh stars above,” she said, staggering. “I must be sleepwalking again,” she muttered. “And sleeptalking. And sleeplying, because what I just said is most certainly not true.” She swayed back towards her own bed. “My sleepimagination sure runs away with me sometimes.”
“Princess Luna—” Twilight said before Luna slammed her bedroom door shut. Twilight held up her hoof to open the door, but hesitated and walked away with Pinkie instead, off to Ponyville.
However, the seed of doubt had been planted, and Twilight was able to gather evidence the very next day that the earth did indeed revolve around the sun. Celestia denounced the evidence, but literally every scientist in the country sided with the princess of friendship. This led to an uprising and the citizens of Equestria calling for Equestria’s first democratic election, in which Twilight and the rest of the Elements of Harmony won by a landslide and became Equestria’s new hexarchy.
Celestia’s infamous last demand before fleeing the country was that Twilight was to never speak to her or her sun ever again.
Her Tuesday checklist was filled with activities that several sources indicate to be fulfilling for Twilight. Her friend Applejack had requested help with Applejack’s little sister Apple Bloom’s mathematics homework that morning, and her friend Rarity requested that she also help her own little sister and one of Applejack’s little sister Apple Bloom’s best friends Sweetie Belle with her mathemagics homework, both of which Twilight was eager to assist with. In addition, her friend Rainbow Dash had challenged her to a reading contest (with Twilight’s assistant Spike as a judge, in an effort to make him feel included).
The first item she had planned to check off, though, was a visit to the town hall. The mayor of Ponyville, Mayor Mare, had requested for Twilight to organize the scrolls on which the laws of Ponyville were kept, which Twilight was described as being extremely eager to do. On her way to the town hall, Twilight was reported to have either a spring in her step or a skip in her step. More research is required.
However, by all accounts, Twilight Sparkle was reportedly having a good day, and planning to have a good day prior to arriving at the town hall.
Upon arriving, she was greeted by her friend Pinkie Pie. “Morning, Twilight!” Pinkie said, waving on her way out of the town hall. “How are you on this fine Tuesday the 16th of November, in the year 1338 AD (After Diarchy) of our Princesses Celestia and Luna?”
“I’m great, Pinkie, thanks,” Twilight said. “You sure seem, ah… accurate today.”
“My Pinkie Sense told me historical accuracy is important today.” Pinkie shrugged.
Twilight pulled open the door to town hall, but stopped. “What brings you to town hall so early? To town hall at all, really?”
“Oh, nothing the mayor can help me with,” Pinkie said. “It turns out I’m supposed to escalate my request to the national level, I guess. I’ll be back later. Toodles!” Pinke said, prancing down the road.
Twilight released her magical grip on the door. Townsponies passing by reported Twilight’s face to be moderately baffled and/or bewildered. “Pinkie?” Twilight said. “Wait, Pinkie! Where are you going?”
Pinkie turned around as she trotted away. “I’m off to Canterlot to overturn the Yo Mama Mandate.”
Twilight blinked. “You’re what?”
Twilight did not attend any of her planned events for the rest of that day. Her friends have expressed varying degrees of disappointment, but understood that her actions that day had ultimately benefited the cause.
Rainbow Dash repeatedly requested that the records show that Twilight did not show up to the reading contest because she was afraid she’d lose. And Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony in Equestria. And Twilight has no choice but to admit defeat because Rainbow won by default. And Rainbow totally would’ve won had there actually been a contest. She insists that’s all. For now.
The 8:05 a.m. Canterlot-bound train rumbled along the tracks. Twilight and Pinkie sat opposite each other on the third car down from the engine. Experts still debate to this day whether it was Twilight who sat opposite Pinkie or Pinkie who sat opposite Twilight. Until more evidence is brought forward, the reader is encouraged to decide for themselves for the sake of imagining the discussion.
“Pinkie, I really think you should reconsider,” Twilight said.
Pinkie held up a hoof. “Gimme a second… Yeah, I think I’ll still do it.”
Twilight scooted closer to Pinkie. Glancing at all the ponies seated around them, she whispered, “But these are yo mama jokes we’re talking about, Pinkie. Why can’t we just leave it alone?”
“Because I’m being oppressed, Twilight!” Pinkie not-whispered, not glancing at all the ponies staring at her. “Since when does the government tell us what jokes we can or cannot use? This is abuse of political power in its purest form!”
“But why yo mama jokes, Pinkie? Do you really think that’s the type of joke you should be fighting for?” Twilight held her hooves out. “Don’t you think the basic concept is mean? I mean, the premise is that it’s an insult to the recipient’s mother.”
“Yeah, but nopony ever means it. The fun in the joke isn’t to actually insult yo mama, but to come up with creative insults.” Pinkie wrapped her hoof around Twilight’s shoulder, waving her other hoof in what sources reported to be a grand motion. “Think of the comedic potential! Every day, we could be coming up with new, fun, and innovative ways of insulting other ponies’ mothers!”
Twilight raised an eyebrow. “So coming up with insults is fun?”
“Yes, now you’re getting it!” Pinkie beamed. “Again, it’s never meant to actually insult anypony. Sometimes it’s just fun to pretend to be mean, y’know?”
“No, I don’t know. Why is pretending to insult somepony’s mother fun? How would mothers feel about that?” Twilight said, laying a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “How would your mother react to a joke like that?”
Pinkie snickered. “She’d probably laugh and tell me a better one.”
Twilight sighed. “Then your mother is insensitive.”
Pinkie’s lips curled up in an objectively sly smile. “How insensitive is my mama, Twilight?”
“What? How should I—oh,” Twilight said, frowning. “Pinkie.”
“Is my mama so insensitive—”
“Pinkie, that’s illegal.”
Though all witnesses present had gasped and covered their ears, many reported seeing Pinkie’s lips move, allegedly to continue telling the rest of the joke, bearing a grin that was almost unanimously described as “mischievous”.
Twilight scowled.
“You get it?” Pinkie said. “ ‘Insensitive’ as in not being able to physically feel—”
“Yeah, I get it.”
Pinkie nudged Twilight on the shoulder. “See? I’m telling you, this kind of joke can be clever.”
Twilight didn’t respond, instead choosing to look out the window at the scenery passing by.
After a few minutes, Pinkie leaned over and grinned. “You’re still here.”
“Yes,” Twilight said, folding her arms, “because I can’t physically stop you from doing this. I can, however, be the voice of reason in case Celestia actually agrees to this, because knowing you, she very well might.”
“Who wouldn’t?” Pinkie said, cradling her face with her hooves and puffing up her cheeks. “Who could disagree with this adorable face?”
“The answer has surprised me in the past.”
“But will the answer surprise you now?” Pinkie jumped up and yelled, “Nopony!”
Twilight glanced at the ponies nearby. “Pinkie, please don’t. Not so loud.”
Pinkie hid her face behind her hooves, then peeked out and whispered with rounded lips, “Nopony.”
Twilight glowered. “Pinkie.”
Pinkie closed her mouth, staring out the window. Twilight took a deep breath, also turning to look out the window. A few minutes of silence passed between them before Pinkie blurted, “Nopony?”
Many earwitnesses reported hearing the distinct sound of a teakettle whistling. Some indicate steam literally erupted from Twilight’s ears, and though the feat is physically impossible, four independent sources have confirmed it.
The heavy doors to the throne room swung open for Pinkie and Twilight. Guards lined the walls, watching over the proceedings of the Day Court. Celestia sat on her throne and smiled at the future leaders of the rebellion.
“Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie, it’s a pleasure to see you both,” the Princess said, giving her subjects a gentle bow. “Though there’s no reason to come to me during Day Court. We could have easily met in a less formal setting.”
Pinkie hopped up. “That’s okay, Madame Princess Sir, but I thought Day Court would be more appropriate since it concerns laws and other dry and boring stuff.”
Twilight hid her face behind her hoof.
Princess Celestia chuckled. “Very well. What is your request, Madame Pinkie Sir?”
Pinkie cleared her throat and puffed up her chest. “I would like to propose a proposition that we do away with the Yo Mama Mandate.”
Princess Celestia’s smile disappeared, and a hardened expression took its place. Every guard in the room reported other guards shifting nervously, though not one guard admitted shifting nervously himself, only either shifting boldly or shifting as part of his duties as a member of the Gaurd.
Princess Celestia cleared her throat. “Day Court has now concluded for the day.”
The guards immediately mobilized, ushering ponies out of the room, Twilight and Pinkie included. Pinkie attempted to climb over the guards as they pushed her towards the exit. “But Your Highness Majesty, I haven’t had a chance to present my case yet!”
“Day Court is canceled,” Celestia said. “I cannot mediate any more disputes today.”
The guards pushed Pinkie down. The only visible piece of Pinkie was her hoof, flailing underneath a mass of guards. “Should I have brought this up in a less formal setting? Is that what you meant?”
If any guards near Celestia heard her mutter something under her breath (with a strong emphasis on the “if”), then it was simply their imagination.
Princess Luna rubbed her eyes and yawned. “And you came to me… why?”
“Because we were hoping you wouldn’t shut the door in our faces,” Pinkie said, throwing her arms up. “And you didn’t, so success! But now we’re hoping you’d hear our argument, too.”
“She was hoping that,” Twilight said, crossing her arms. “I was hoping you’d be able to explain to Pinkie why this is a terrible idea. Both repealing the mandate and waking you up this early.”
Princess Luna sighed. “We won’t be overturning that mandate, not anytime soon.”
Pinkie furrowed her brow. “No? Why not?”
Princess Luna’s ears drooped as she walked over to a window, drawing back the curtains. She looked out the window, squinting and shielding her eyes from the sun. She licked her lips. “This mandate was made a long time ago, back when I ruled this place with my sister. We can’t repeal the mandate.” Tears welled up in Princess Luna’s eyes as she looked up at the sun. “Because our momma is so fat, she has her own orbit.”
Pinkie followed Luna’s gaze up to the sun, then gasped. “Oh,” she said, sitting down. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“It’s okay,” Luna said, squinting and drawing the curtains closed. “It’s a sensitive issue, as you’ve seen. Celestia would rather uphold the mandate for now.”
Pinkie nodded. “Okay. I didn’t realize it was that personal to you. I’m sorry.” Pinkie pulled Luna in for a hug.
Luna returned the hug, smiling. “You’re a very caring pony, Pinkie Pie.”
“I am, aren’t I?” she said, backing away. “Speaking of which, you’re looking very sleepy. We’ll let you get back to bed now,” she said, hopping away.
Twilight squinted, not following Pinkie. “So does the sun have its own orbit, then? I thought Celestia moved the sun. That’s what they taught us in school.”
Princess Luna froze. Her eyes opened all the way, before half-shutting again. “Um, well, wow am I tired. Oh stars above,” she said, staggering. “I must be sleepwalking again,” she muttered. “And sleeptalking. And sleeplying, because what I just said is most certainly not true.” She swayed back towards her own bed. “My sleepimagination sure runs away with me sometimes.”
“Princess Luna—” Twilight said before Luna slammed her bedroom door shut. Twilight held up her hoof to open the door, but hesitated and walked away with Pinkie instead, off to Ponyville.
However, the seed of doubt had been planted, and Twilight was able to gather evidence the very next day that the earth did indeed revolve around the sun. Celestia denounced the evidence, but literally every scientist in the country sided with the princess of friendship. This led to an uprising and the citizens of Equestria calling for Equestria’s first democratic election, in which Twilight and the rest of the Elements of Harmony won by a landslide and became Equestria’s new hexarchy.
Celestia’s infamous last demand before fleeing the country was that Twilight was to never speak to her or her sun ever again.
her own little sister and one of Applejack’s little sister Apple Bloom’s best friends Sweetie Belle
This is a nitpick, but nitpicks about the first few sentences are important because they have an early and outsized effect on engagement: You're going through some extreme verbal contortions here to establish that the narrator is not familiar with the show's cast, and it's really not helping the story flow. (In fact, you're overestablishing that fact. You've already introduced "Applejack's little sister Apple Bloom" on first reference, and so subsequent references — unless you're mangling English for effect — should just use the name.) I'm thinking you probably meant this as a joke, but IMHO it's a lot of buildup for a weak punchline.
Contrast with, say:
On her way to the town hall, Twilight was reported to have either a spring in her step or a skip in her step. More research is required.
This plays very effectively off of the narrator's lack of knowledge and fanatic obsession with irrelevant detail in a way that doesn't bog down the story or require detailed re-parsing of the sentence. Much funnier.
Experts still debate to this day whether it was Twilight who sat opposite Pinkie or Pinkie who sat opposite Twilight. Until more evidence is brought forward, the reader is encouraged to decide for themselves for the sake of imagining the discussion.
Okay, this is beating the joke into the ground.
Kudos for the smooth transition into the actual Yo Mama joke, though, and especially for leaving the punchline itself unsaid and explaining the joke around it. That sense of subtlety is sharp, and really welcome after the barrage of bludgeon-humor.
… and the twist of the Luna scene really elevates this from the rough early going. The fact that it sort of comes out of nowhere after beating your core joke into the ground is exactly the sort of comic wit this story would have fallen flat without.
Overall this feels rough, but on balance it ends up a decent crackfic. I'm not really sure what else to suggest here.
Tier: Almost There
I enjoyed this for what it was, but I can't help feeling like the dialogue is at odds with the story's premise. You seem to abandon the conceit of the story being a historical report at times. Why is there so much ambiguity with, say, what Twilight's interests were, or her gait, but the dialogue is transcribed so accurately?
Hey, make no mistake; you had me laughing, especially with the line at the end (well meme'd, friend).
Hey, make no mistake; you had me laughing, especially with the line at the end (well meme'd, friend).
The writing was a bit awkward at times, but it was rather funny overall, so I enjoyed it.
Two small nitpicks: 1) I can't see Pinkie's mom actually telling a yo mama joke. 2) It probably would have been better to set this before Twilight became an alicorn, since there doesn't seem to be any reason to set it after, and she did move the sun in the season four premiere. These issues make me wonder if this story was written by someone who hasn't seen the relevant episodes, but it's also completely possible that they have, and just decided to ignore the problems in the name of comedy, which is okay.
Great story; definitely one of my favorites so far.
Two small nitpicks: 1) I can't see Pinkie's mom actually telling a yo mama joke. 2) It probably would have been better to set this before Twilight became an alicorn, since there doesn't seem to be any reason to set it after, and she did move the sun in the season four premiere. These issues make me wonder if this story was written by someone who hasn't seen the relevant episodes, but it's also completely possible that they have, and just decided to ignore the problems in the name of comedy, which is okay.
Great story; definitely one of my favorites so far.
OH my god. I just got the last line. What the hell. What. The hell.
I found this story thoroughly engaging throughout, although you probably could do without the second "Applejack's little Sister" line.
Parts of it don't make sense but I'm not really sure if it's supposed to make sense. I'm actually almost certain that you made up a new kind of sense for this story to exist in.
I found this story thoroughly engaging throughout, although you probably could do without the second "Applejack's little Sister" line.
Parts of it don't make sense but I'm not really sure if it's supposed to make sense. I'm actually almost certain that you made up a new kind of sense for this story to exist in.
Well, that’s certainly one way to hook the reader in. The second paragraph, however, is clunkier than the Flintstones’ car. You don’t need to introduce the characters. It’s safe to assume that all readers are familiar with Friendship is Magic. You especially don’t need to introduce Apple Bloom twice in the exact same way.
Okay, you’re clearly going for some sort of historical/scientific/journalistic voice and it flat-out is not working. The continual references to later testimony and persistent passive voice frequently interfere with the narrative while adding nothing to it.
I find it very hard to imagine Cloudy Quartz delivering any kind of joke. Laughing at Pinkie’s, possibly, but not making any, with the possible exception of a very droll one about rocks. (“Hast thou e’er noticed that the manner in which limestone erodes is like unto this, whereas feldspar erodes like unto this?”)
I still don’t like the narrator’s voice, but I will concede that “earwitnesses” is pretty amusing. Likewise Celestia playing along with Pinkie’s title spam. The conceit actually does grow on me during the Day Court scene; your usage of it is wittier and much less obtrusive. I suspect some of that is the way it’s diluted with good dialogue.
The entire story improves with time. Ease back on the early officiousness and you’ll have something fantastic. Though I will note that in a heliocentric solar system, the planet is the one that has an orbit. For the most part. There is a little circular oscillation on the part of the star, but it’s negligible.
Okay, you’re clearly going for some sort of historical/scientific/journalistic voice and it flat-out is not working. The continual references to later testimony and persistent passive voice frequently interfere with the narrative while adding nothing to it.
I find it very hard to imagine Cloudy Quartz delivering any kind of joke. Laughing at Pinkie’s, possibly, but not making any, with the possible exception of a very droll one about rocks. (“Hast thou e’er noticed that the manner in which limestone erodes is like unto this, whereas feldspar erodes like unto this?”)
I still don’t like the narrator’s voice, but I will concede that “earwitnesses” is pretty amusing. Likewise Celestia playing along with Pinkie’s title spam. The conceit actually does grow on me during the Day Court scene; your usage of it is wittier and much less obtrusive. I suspect some of that is the way it’s diluted with good dialogue.
The entire story improves with time. Ease back on the early officiousness and you’ll have something fantastic. Though I will note that in a heliocentric solar system, the planet is the one that has an orbit. For the most part. There is a little circular oscillation on the part of the star, but it’s negligible.
Entry number 28, File Code Name, The Yo Mama Mandate
Now this was a funny story to read. It had it's funny moments and bits that would seem outlandish but with Pinkie Pie in the midst it did lead to a fun trip throughout the story. The ending felt a little weak and it should have hit on a high note. Other than that I say the story turned out well.
Now this was a funny story to read. It had it's funny moments and bits that would seem outlandish but with Pinkie Pie in the midst it did lead to a fun trip throughout the story. The ending felt a little weak and it should have hit on a high note. Other than that I say the story turned out well.
I feel dense, in that I don't quite get how Luna's 'Our Momma' joke leads to Twilight figuring out Heliocentric Solar System.
>>Morning Sun
The sun has its own orbit. That means that the planet orbits the sun, not the other way around. Therefor, Celestia has been lying about moving the sun.
Technically, it could still be the case that the sun orbits the planet and some other smaller object—basically, its own moon—orbits the sun. But if that was the case, Luna would have just said so.
The sun has its own orbit. That means that the planet orbits the sun, not the other way around. Therefor, Celestia has been lying about moving the sun.
Technically, it could still be the case that the sun orbits the planet and some other smaller object—basically, its own moon—orbits the sun. But if that was the case, Luna would have just said so.
Okay, crackfic is crackfic, and that's just generally not my thing, so take this with a grain of salt. The humor, overall, is very hit and miss. The odd narrative phrasings are horribly annoying at parts (especially near the start) and actually quite clever/funny in others ("earwitnesses.")
I have to give credit to the attempt though. Using a yo mamma joke as an excuse to reveal a heliocentric solar system is a very, very lofty goal. You certainly aimed for the stars, and that you got even halfway is still an accomplishment. That said, this whole thing is basically a shaggy dog story, with everything lining up for that single swing at the end. So, to that end, it really could use some tightening up throughout. As this comes in at exactly the 2,000 word minimum for the contest, I'm fairly certain it was stretched. That hurt it. This should be maybe half the length it is, and if you take out the cruft, and polish a few of the narrative jokes along the way, then it could really be a great comedy. As is, I'm afraid it's in the finals against some serious literary work, and I can't rank it very high next to those I'm afraid.
I have to give credit to the attempt though. Using a yo mamma joke as an excuse to reveal a heliocentric solar system is a very, very lofty goal. You certainly aimed for the stars, and that you got even halfway is still an accomplishment. That said, this whole thing is basically a shaggy dog story, with everything lining up for that single swing at the end. So, to that end, it really could use some tightening up throughout. As this comes in at exactly the 2,000 word minimum for the contest, I'm fairly certain it was stretched. That hurt it. This should be maybe half the length it is, and if you take out the cruft, and polish a few of the narrative jokes along the way, then it could really be a great comedy. As is, I'm afraid it's in the finals against some serious literary work, and I can't rank it very high next to those I'm afraid.