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End of an Era · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
Show rules for this event
A New Beginning
“Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news. I’m Mint Strong of MT news, and this is my human co-host Natalie Jensen.”

“Good to be here Mint. It’s nice being a part of this wonderful news station.”

“Thank you Natalie, it’s our pleasure to welcome you here. Now let's go to the main topics at hand for the City of Maretropolis.”

“Yes, we begin with the preparations for the royal family from Britain and the current president of the United States and his family to meet with the mayor of Maretropolis, along with both majesties, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. The two nations of Earth are seeking better ties with Equus and offer new trade deals and better co-operation.”

“Correct Natalie. This is all in due to celebrate the eighteenth year since the first contact, when a portal from Equus to Earth was discovered and the two planets have coexisted ever since. However, it does baffle scientists on both sides of how this had happened, yet the connection has been steadily ever since.”

“It seems the science community will never solve this phenomenon. It will likely remain a mystery for many years, or unless Princess Twilight figures it out.”

“Ha ha. Indeed it will, Natalie. Since we're on topic, can you explain to some of our viewers as to how the relationship is between Earth and Equus?”

“Sure can. Since the first contact both sides didn’t know what to do. Nations on either side thought the other was a threat and wanted war with the unknown force. Luckily it didn’t come to that, and through a calm deliberation between both sides the nations of Earth and the nations of Equus formally signed the ‘Peace accords.’ After the first year of establishing connections Earth began to invest their business into the world of Equus and vice versa. Because of this open exploration and sharing of technologies both Earth and Equus made leaps and bounds and now cohabiting among major cities on both worlds. Ponies are easily making headway with farming techniques on American mid-west while Gryphons are enjoying living high in the Crimean Mountains and even in the Taiga region.”

“Indeed, and humans have been making headway within Equestria and abroad, bringing new culture that is being spread throughout the planet. Immigrants who come here bring a piece of their history and both sides have been welcoming in the sharing of different civilizations. Though, recently many ponies in Equus and a few other races have felt that their own societies and cultures has been pushed aside because of the shock of human cultures.”

“That is true, Mint. However, there has been some good progress of late that has allowed for further understanding and acceptance between the two sides, particularly within the city of Maretropolis as its shiny example. Foreign exchange students from Earth have been experiencing all of the wonderful things the city has to offer. Though, some have been surprised when they came here and found ponies that were almost like them.”

“Ah anthropomorphic is the word you're looking for. Yes, and it is the same for the youth in the city and get the same reaction. Too think that there were intelligent beings that were closely resembled humans, if you could account for the different ears, horns, wings, and a number of other races and their differences. Nonetheless, they do come to warm to each other as they continue their study.”

“You're right, but both sides have accepted the other side and new studies on coexisting between humans and the inhabitants of Equus has been relatively positive.”

“Indeed Natalie, and with the royal families from Britain and the US, will no doubt bring new ideas to the table. A new possibility is allowing the students from Earth to intermingle with the communities within the city, and even allow host families to care for the students while they stay. Though the plan does have opposition, particularly with liberal major Harsh Wind. Long time mayor of Maretropolis feels that the new exchanges is infringing on the city's identity and way of life. But that only hurts him in public opinion polls, which leads us into the next segment of this evening.”

“You’re correct Mint and we do have the latest polls. Harsh Wind has been dealing with both new pressure on his high tax policy and for his poor performance in the private sector and mishandling on social programs within the city. Two other higher negative polling shows on his handling of crime, which is at a record time high and his comments on inter-species marriage.”

“Indeed, the longtime mayor had spoken harshly against such unions since humans have started coming to Maretropolis sixteen years ago. It is uncommon practice and there are not many people, ponies or humans, who have been known to get to know one another and develop such relations. However, since that time the union between species has been known by ponies and other races of Equus and some that favor the proposal argue that the humans shouldn’t be any different. The mayor himself even made damning words to a ‘couple’ several years ago by saying, quote, ‘You people have no right to be here and to infringe upon our lives. This is not normal behavior and you will go straight to hell.’ unquote.”

“Yes that did bit him hard in the polls and he received harsh criticism for his remarks, including from the human, David Bronco, who seeks to gain the mayoral seat in next year’s election. He is the first human to run for mayor of Maretropolis and is much favorable by the populace. He claims that he has plans that will help the city get back on its feet and make Maretropolis a city free of crime. That is actually a heat segment that we will be getting to later in the program.”

“Indeed Natalie. For tonight we have other news to speak about. Crime is still at all time high and that is what most people are afraid and talking about the most. But we can’t forget our favorite heroes who work tirelessly to keep our streets safe and worry free. And no I’m not talking about the Backstreet Boys, who have made a resurgence since coming to Equus.”

“Ha ha. That trues. It’s our favorite heroines the Power Ponies. For many years they have kept this city safe from the most violent criminals and the vilest villains. The worst of all is the Mane-iac, who her very actions cause more harm to the citizens of Maretropolis.”

“Indeed she does. She frequently clashes with police and has run rampant for many years, terrorizing the citizens with her dastardly deeds. However, when the Power Ponies began to interfere with her plans she has been deterred at every turn. After so many string of defeats the city became safer because of the Power Ponies. Hopefully when she is finally caught and sentenced that the Era of Mane-iac’s terror will end. However, she is unpredictable and will likely return to wreak havoc upon the cities inhabitants.”

“She was defeated several months ago by the Power Ponies at the warehouse in the downtown district and ever since been in hiding. Though it is a safe reprieve from her savagery and merciless attacks it is a relief to Metropolis's citizens that the Power Ponies are always there and keeping vigilant watch over the city.”

“Speaking of vigilance, Natalie. Did you hear of a new vigilante in the city? Apparently the Power Ponies have created such an impact on the people of Maretropolis that some have begun dress up and began to help out in their own way. Though the MTPD, the Maretropolis Police Department, urged the citizens not to take anything that is dangerous and would refrain from taking matters into their own hands. Though one notable citizen has been taking the news as of late. The Mysterious ‘Mare Do Well’ has been making a name for his or herself and been serving their own brand of justice. Notable gangs have been found and beaten into submission and there has been reports of some deaths because of her actions. She is like a modern Batman, as you call Natalie, but has a killer side to her.”

“That is very true Mint and both the MTPD and the Power Ponies have called for her to come forward and to either submit herself to custody or to keep in touch with the other super heroines. She may try to keep the peace but some don’t have to die necessarily because of her actions.”

“That is so true, Natalie. We’ll take a quick break and in the next segment we will discuss David Bronco and his candidacy for mayor. Plus, later in this evening we’ll discuss the latest trend that has been hitting the streets. Pokemon Future. Is this new app a fun entertainment for millions or will it lead to deadly collisions? Find out after these-

***

“Mom, I was watching that.” Dinky Doo said as she looked away from the T.V. Her mother, a gray pegasus with bright yellow eyes, settled the remote down on the table nearby. She was wearing an apron that read ‘Kiss the Cook’ on the front and some of it was covered in smudges.
“I think that is enough T.V. Dinky.” Derpy Whooves said as she continued to cook dinner, “Besides, don’t you have homework to finish?” she asked as she cracked several eggs into a bowl and began to whisk them. Several pots were cooking on the stove and steam vented up into the air. The smell of tomato soup and fresh bread hung in the air. It was going to be a delicious dinner.

“I already finished my homework mom and I’m already ahead in my classes.”

“That’s my little muffin.” Derpy said as she continued to beat the dough again and again, making sure it had the right consistency. “Dinner should be ready in an hour and father will be returning soon so do you think you can help me settle the plates on the table?” she asked as she went to a nearby cupboard to grab a few cooking items.

Dinky stretched her legs and arms outward, making her joints go to the farthest extent before relaxing back at her sides. She got up and headed toward the kitchen, grabbing the plates from the nearby cupboard and settling them down onto the table.

“This is going to be so exciting Dinky. Father said that we will be having several guests coming over, and even a human will be here. I think he is a student and he might be looking for a host family, to test for a possible program in the city. Can you imagine that sweetie?” Derpy said as she continued to shuffle through the cupboards, apparently not finding what she was looking for.

“Hmm.” Dinky responded, only half listening to what he mother was saying. After several minutes later, and Dinky finished setting the table, Derpy shut the last of the cupboards and had a disappointed look on her face.

“Oh horse feathers. There is no more flour for my muffin dessert.” Derpy said and Dinky turned to her in surprise.

“Mom, you shouldn’t swear.”

“Oh. Sorry muffin.” she said with a small blush. She then looked over at the clock then back at Dinky.

“Dinky. Would you be a dear and go get some some flour from the store?” she asked and Dinky furrowed her brow.

“But mom, why can’t Amethyst Star get it?” she said and Derpy shook her head.

“Your sister already has plans with her friends and she won’t have time to go to the store and back.”

“But mom I don’t want to go, it’s scary when it’s close to the night.” she said and Derpy drew a breath and breathed out a deep sigh.

“Dinky. You only turned twelve several months ago. I know you're young but you're no longer a child. I want you to be a big girl for mommy and do this task. I trust that you can do this.”

Dinky looked over to the clock, it read 6:10. She then turned to her mother and nodded.

“Okay mom, I can do it.” she said as her mom wrapped her arms around her in a big hug. She always did like that.

“I know you can do it my little muffin.” she said as she reached for the counter and grabbed her wallet, pulling out several bills and hand them to Dinky, the latter placing them on her small coin purse that had Mistress Mare-velous on it, the top opening and closing like her lasso. “Be sure to get the flour and also some milk for tomorrow.”

Dinky nodded then settled her purse on the side of her belt. She then went to the door and opened it up, only to hear her mother call out once more.

“Remember, go straight to the store and come right back. No stops muffin.” she said as Dinky closed the door behind her. Dinky sighed and made her way toward the store. The neighborhood was nice, several families were out and about, taking little walks or speaking with neighbors. They lived in the small district within the city of Maretropolis, the taller buildings of the city surrounding them on all sides. Police were in and around the areas due to the local gangs and they were frequent on their patrols. Dinky kept moving, her mind settled on getting to the store and back before it got darker. After several minutes of walking she walked onto the streets of Maretropolis, walking casually on the sidewalk at a brisk pace. The streets were largely deserted, most likely turning in for the night and being safe with their families. Dinky kept moving, hoping to reach the store down at the end of the block.

She soon passed a corner and stopped when she almost passed a bulletin board. There was much graffiti and many torn signs, however only one seemed to stand out amongst the rest. She was looking at a poster that had the Power Ponies on the front. Light was behind each of the six ponies and they were looking outward with a determined yet optimistic for the future. Dinky looked at for a moment longer before turning to get to the store. She soon neared a plaza, which was right across from where the store is. She was close and she would get the things she needed and get home, simple as that. She climbed a few steps and entered the plaza and stopped when she heard yelling.

She saw the plaza was deserted and in the corner of the plaza three ponies, two earth and one pegasus, was beating upon somepony on the ground. She could see one of them holding a baseball bat in his hands and they were all covered in tattoos. Dinky turned to the other end of the plaza, the store was just right there. Taking a deep breath she made her way toward the other side of the plaza, hoping that the others wouldn’t spot her. She was halfway when she heard a voice call out to her.

“Hey you. Were you going girl!” she froze as she heard one of the stallions call her name. Thinking quickly she hesitantly replied.

“Ah… no nowhere.” she said as she turned to meet one of the stallions approach her. He was blue earth pony with a bald head, his tattoos were bones that covered his face and open chest. In his hand he had a large bat. He chuckled as he approached right until he was standing over her.

“Nowhere is right.” he said, revealing his teeth along with a single golden tooth. “C'mere.” he said, wrapping his long arm around her and pulling her closer. Her nose ringed slightly as he smelled of alcohol and sweat. He then escorted her until she stood right in between the two other stallions. He then pointed with his bat at what they were beating on.

“Here. Look at this… thing.” he said and Dinky took it all in. It was a human, cradled in a fetal position. The human had white skin, which was bruised on parts of his arms, and his hair was a light blonde, now dirty and out of place. He had blue eyes and they showed fear from the ponies. “Here. Give it what he deserves.” the goon said, handing over his bat to her then pushing her forward.

She looked down at the lone human. He looked up at her and he had a perplexed look on his face. Dinky looked at the bat in hand then back at the human.

“I… I don’t want to. I… I got to go.” she said meekly, which only earned laughter from the other gang members. The blue goon then came forward with open arms.

“C’mon… Do it!” he yelled suddenly, pushing her forward even more, “He’s not like us, it’s just a lonely human.” he placed a hand on her shoulder, bring only false assurance to his words as she stared at the hurting human.

The human lowered his head, submitting himself to more brutal beating, but he looked more like he just passed out. Dinky, still hesitant in her heart, shook her head at them.

“I can’t. My mom always taught me that all lives matter.” she said and the blue goon laughed even more.

“Yeah that’s true. But only pony lives matter, not these freaks.” he said and his two buddies agreed with him.

“I got to go. I have to get to the store before it closes or my mom would kill Me.” she said as the blue goon backed away as if this was a joke. She then felt something tug on her belt and her coin purse was snatched.

“Hey.” she cried, watching as a green stallion with a beard was holding her money in his hand.

“Going to be hard without any money, girl.” he said as he tossed it to his friend. She quickly went after it but was only rewarded by them tossing her coin purse to his friend. They did this for several moments, taunting and teasing her as they tossed and played keep away from Dinky. After another tossed she lunged for her coin purse, only to be stopped by one of them, holding her head back with his massive hand while the other held the coin purse high enough away. She struggled for a few more moments before a loud honk came from behind the goons. A big red truck came rolling in and several more goons were inside.

“Hey, c’mon let's go. It’s time!” the driver called out as the three headed toward the truck, knocking Dinky aside as she watched helplessly as they walked away with her money. She ran after them hoping to snatch her purse before they got on. They already jumped in the back of the truck and took off down the street, one of the goons waving goodbye and laughing as he did.

“My money.” she called out, watching the red truck turn down the corner and onto a small street. She stomped her foot on the ground and took off toward an adjacent alley way. She ran as she tried to keep up with the moving truck, hearing the machine make wide turns in the narrow streets. She quickly ran until she jumped on top of a box, and hopped over a fence. She landed a little hard but she was able to recover and keep moving. She kept her pace and saw the truck making another quick turn into an alleyway. The truck soon stopped and the goons began moving about in the adjacent alleyway. Dinky hid behind a broken pallet and watched as they began moving boxes onto the truck. She saw the goon who had her purse, hefting it up and down and smile crept across his face.

Dinky wanted to get it back, but it would probably be too late.

Realizing that there were too many she quickly moved to the next alleyway, hoping to get out and possibly notify the police. She turned the next corner, pausing only briefly to see if there any signs of any more of the bad guys. The only thing she could see was a few dumpters, empty trash cans, and the few hanging street lights in the alley. Believing everything to be clear she made her way toward the street, only to stop in her tracks by a goon. She screamed as the large goon was standing before her.

Only for the goon to groan and double over, falling face first onto the floor of the alleyway.

Dinky had her hands up and she stood there, unsure as to what happened or how the goon got knocked out, but it was not by her. Another cry came from the adjacent alleyway and she saw one of the goons get knocked to the floor. He spun onto his stomach and began to crawl away, only for a purple gloved hand to grab his feet and dragging him back into the dark alleyway. The goon cried out as his nails dragged into the dirt and his cries were snuffed when he went into the darkness. At the far end of the alley she saw four more goons loading large crates onto the red truck. They paused when they heard the screaming and Dinky quickly hid behind a pile of crates. One of them pointed a finger down the alley and three of them began to move towards their friend.

Dinky could only stay still as her heart began to beat fast in her chest.

Several tense moments of uneasy silence passed as the goons made their way toward their friend, a couple of them grabbing nearby pipes while the other two had their bats close. When they were close one of them approached their fallen friend, placing a hand on to his back.

“Hey, you alright?” he asked, his friend rousing in response. The fallen goon got up, placing a hand on his head and groaning.

“C’mon, get up.” his friend said once more, and he began to stir once again. He helped his buddy up and he supported him with his weight, while the other two looked about the alleyway, trying to find whoever caused this.

“Hey man. You alr-” he was interrupted when something flew through the adjacent alleyway and crashed into a nearby power box, shattering the inside and causing the street lights from above to go out. The goons turned to see that there buddy was on the ground, his body bruised and beaten from whatever that attacked him. As the lights flickered in and out Dinky saw somepony in the alleyway. A masked pony in a purple body suit and a wide hat, standing in the alley.

It was brief, but Dinky definitely saw somepony there. She waited with baited breath at what the goons would do.

The goons continued to look about, all of them looked scared but held their weapons at the ready. The goon that hit the power box was stirring but looked down for the count.

“Show yourself!” one of them called out.

“Come out and fight!” another shouted, ready to swing his bat at the ready.

A few seconds passed and nothing happened, only the silence of the wind blowing past them. Then Dinky watched as a figure strolled out of the alleyway and stood before them. The goons jumped, ready to fight back, only for one of them to gawk in surprise.

“Whoa, dude. Check out the honkers on this chick.” he said, pointing a finger directly at the masked mare’s chest. The mare looked down at her chest for a brief moment then back at the would-be gang member.

“That your final words? You're really pathetic.” she said, her voice low and mysterious. The goons looked at her in disgust, only for their wounded friend to get up and point directly at her.

“Don’t get close. She’s dangerous.” he explained, only for his friend to laugh and turn to him.

“Or what. Will big melons try and slap me to death?” he said, turning back to the masked mare, only to find her standing in front of him.

“No… beat you to death.” she said and slammed a fist into the stallion's head. He flew and slammed into the adjacent wall as the other goons attacked at once. Each one threw their bat or lead bar at her, only for to block and counter with her fist or feet. She grabbed the first once and smacked his head with her long legs. The goon flew into his friend as the other three went after her. She parried the next few fists and returned a few of her own. Some of the goons flew back or slammed onto the ground and the numbers began to dwindle.

Dinky could only watch in astonishment as she fought and beat down the bad guys. As this was happening she notice the other goons were hurrying to load the last of their crates onto their truck, while their friends continued to be pummeled by the Mare Do well. She watched as two of the goons were taken out and the Mare Do Well grabbed one of them and lifted him up.

“No, no please!” he cried as he was thrown out and crashing into a pile of trash cans, sending the filthy debris all around them. The second to last goon went and swung his bat straight at the mare and she blocked it with the palm of her hand, stopping the stallion in his tracks. She then lifted a leg and kicked his head, sending him flying into the sky. The final stallion grabbed at her back, trying to hold her, but she quickly countered with the butt of her elbow into his face then whirling him around and smacking into the wall. The stallion slid down and was still, while the pony that was in the air came crashing down into a dumpster nearby, landing inside with comedic fashion.

Dinky could not believe her eyes. She defeated them all. She was just on par as the Power Ponies. Whoever this Mare Do Well was, she had the strength of at least ten stallions or more.

Then the masked mare looked in her direction.

Dinky, stopping in her jubilation, was still as a statue as she moved forward. Her intended target, was a struggling goon as he crawled to get away.

“No please.” he said desperately, trying to crawl inch by desperate inch. The Mare soon came up behind him and placed a foot on the back of the goons head.

“These aren’t you streets,” she seethed, anger dripping from every word she spoke, “anymore!” she slammed her foot down and sickening crunch came on the back of the goons head. Dinky screamed and fell from her hiding spot. The mare looked up and saw her crawl backwards, trying to get away from her.

“No… no please don’t hurt me.” Dinky said, fear gripping her as the mare had her foot on the back of the stallion's neck. The mare lifted a hand to her, almost trying to say something. A honk from the truck broke her concentration and she turned to see several of the goons getting inside, including a couple that she thought she knocked out.

“Let's get out of here!” the goon in the truck yelled as he started the truck and the Mare Do Well turned to face them.

“You won’t escape me that easily!” she called out and began running after them. Dinky remained where she was, stunned by the still goon before her and the charging vigilante. She then notice one of the goons began to lift something and pulled something off it.

“Eat this!” he called and threw it in a wide arc, not aiming at the masked mare. The object landed and began to roll closer to Dinky. When it was close enough Dinky’s eyes widened in horror as she realized that it was a grenade. The goons on the truck began to wheel out and Dinky cried out, helplessly crawling back as the grenade neared her. A small red dot was blinking at a rapid pace and it suddenly made a loud beep noise. Dinky cried out and felt something grab her.

The grenade exploded, sending fire and smoke into the air and shrapnel hitting the walls of the alley. Dinky felt her body slid on the ground, her arms held close to her body. For a moment she remained like that, hardly moving, barely breathing. She opened an eye and all she saw was purple. She felt fingers pressed on her head and though her hair, gently holding her from the ground. Her head rested above the mare’s chest, which true to the goon’s words were big.

The masked Mare Do Well had saved her life.

She then felt the mare shift in place, still holding her close as she moved to a sitting position. The mare soon parted and Dinky looked up to see the mare looking at her. The mare then stood up slowly, grabbing her side as she did. Dinky scooted a little bit back, unsure how to respond to her. The mare grunted as she lifted a hand from her side, revealing a deep purple skin underneath her costume, it almost looked violent in the light but she was not sure. The mare grunted again as she placed her hand back onto her wound and she looked back down the alley, which was covered in thick smoke. Dinky looked to the side for a moment before looking back at the mare.

“You… you saved me.” she paused, unsure what else to say, “Why?”

The mare turned back to her and she flinched slightly as she stared at her. She couldn’t tell what emotion she was expressing but underneath that mask she was giving her a serious look. After a moment of uneasy silence the mare looked to the side once again.

“I don’t want to see any children hurt again.” she said, almost speaking to herself. Before Dinky could reply the mare looked at her once again. “Run home kid. It’s not safe here.” she then tossed something towards her and she gasped as the object landed in her lap. Dinky’s eyes widened as she looked at her coin purse. The picture of Mistress Mare-velous was staring at her and Dinky looked up at the mare before her. She couldn’t tell but she imagine there was a smile underneath that mask. The mare then turned and headed toward the smoke. Before she reached it Dinky stood up and called out to her.

“Your one of those heroes. Aren't you?” she asked, making the masked mare to stop in her tracks. As she stopped Dinky notice the holes in her cape and saw the small scratches on her back, she thought she could see the wounds were still smoking. The mare turned her head to the side, staying there for a second before turning back to the smoke.

“I never was.” she replied, entering the smoke and disappearing all together. All the while Dinky continued to have a smile on her face.

“I think you are.”

***

About thirty minutes later Dinky was already rushing home with a sack of flour and a gallon of milk, pushing her legs as far as they could go. As she moved she had noticed an increase of cops in the area, most likely discovering the battle in the alleyway. She ignored them and kept moving, kept pushing until she was home. As she went she passed by the bulletin board that had the Power Ponies on the front.

She stopped for a second and tore the page from the wall and took it with her.

After reaching neighborhood she soon returned to her home and opened the door, where she was greeted by her frightened mother and father.

“Oh my muffin. I heard there was an explosion nearby and I hope that you were safe.” she said desperately as she hugged her. Her father, a brown earth pony stallion and wearing a white suit and green tie, also held her close.

“I hope that you alright dear. I was worried sick my dear.” he said as he held her close. Dinky only gave a small smile and clutched tightly to her poster in hand.

“I have such a story to tell you Mom. You would not believe what happened tonight.”

As the excited filly began to explain to her parents of what had transpired she did not see a figure watching from high above, the full moon shining right over her. The Masked Mare Do Well only looked on as the young girl told her parents what had happened and soon took the conversation into the home. The mare didn’t move from her position only staring out into the expanse of the city. She has been all around the city and always done things her way. She had it all and the city was hers.

Tonight though, was different.

"I think you are." The girl had said a while ago. It was the last thing the girl said before she took to the rooftops. She looked down at her hands, and saw that they were shaking and she knew the only reason why. She was afraid of becoming one and not be accepted. She knew she could never be one and be welcomed.

She can never become one of them.

The mare removed her wide hat to the side and took her mask off. The fabric came off her face, letting loose large green hair, and coming down until it rested right behind her back. She opened her eyes, revealing a green irises on the outer edge of her eye and a red iris in the center. She had tears streaming down her face, letting them let them fall down to the city streets below.

“I’m sorry little girl. I can never be one.” the Mane-iac said as she stood up from her perch and began to walk away, her mane taking her across the rooftops of the city of Maretropolis.
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#1 ·
· · >>Cassius
There are a lot of awkward constructions here. An editor will be a great help to you.

Okay, so the story conflates Equestria and the Power Ponies while opening a portal to Earth, and this is all explained in a very clumsy text dump. Also, the ponies are anthropomorphic for some reason, possibly to make interspecies marriage moderately less bizarre. Really not winning me over here.

And now you’re just remaking the Soldier: 76 Overwatch trailer with ponies. This might work if you had thought about how the different context would change the circumstances of the story. Humans beating an omnic is just deplorable. Ponies beating a human is an interplanetary incident. Furthermore, a damsel in distress is measurably less so when she has a reality control device coming out of her forehead. As is, it's clear that your reworking began and ended at changing names, species, and weaponry.
#2 · 6
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>>FanOfMostEverything

And now you’re just remaking the Soldier: 76 Overwatch trailer with ponies.


I read this entire story just to confirm that you weren't just speaking in hyperbole. You're dead on. Beat for beat, this is essentially the same as the Soldier 76 trailer.



For other reviewer's reference: this is the trailer
#3 · 1
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So, I was pretty scathing about this one in the chat. If you were reading, author, I apologize. I got a little carried away.

This story has some flaws. It will probably struggle to do well in the voting. But none of that should outweigh the fact that the author had an idea, managed to write a coherent story based on that idea, and submitted it for judgement, all in 72 hours. That's quite an accomplishment, and one that I sometimes fail at.
#4 ·
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A story that spends roughly half its wordcount blithely spouting exposition for the reader to understand the world, ultimately to set-up for a written version of the Soldier: 76 trailer from Overwatch, with some dialogue being stripped word for word. I wonder if I missing some sort of in-joke with this story, especially with the ham-fisted inclusion of "All Lives Matter" and the boob-jokes, but ultimately if this was some sort of parody, it should have gone for a more irreverent tone and not directly copied lines of dialogue from the short.

Opinion: Heavy Maintenance Required

Five-Point Scale Explained:

*Excellent: the story excels at both in the story that it tells and its technical composition. Minor problems can be present, but they are more negligible and don't heavily impact the story.

*Above Average: the story suffers from some issues either with its presentation or internal logic that prevent it from being excellent, but displays clear skill in one or more areas that set it above other entries

*Okay: Stories that have clear problems that are counterbalanced by their competent writing, or stories that do not excel in any particular aspect, but are also not crippled in any particular aspect.

*Minor Fixes Necessary: A story that has at least one major issue that prevents it from a fully realized work, but can be fixed with some rearrangements or improvements that do not involve major reconstruction of the story.

*Heavy Maintenance Required: A story that is crippled from a technical or story-telling perspective that would require a major reconstructive effort in order to succeed.
#5 ·
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My first impression of this story was that it really didn't make any sense. You combine Power Ponies, Equestria, and humans all together for no reason, and then make them anthro for no reason. The bits about Equestria added nothing, and bits about humans only added a half-baked commentary on current events that you don't actually do anything with. You should have just cut out the humans and the references to the real Equestria and made this a Power Ponies story. That also would have let you cut out the opening news broadcast, which was easily the weakest part of the entire story. I admit that it's been a while since I actually watched the news, but I'm pretty sure that actual news anchors don't sound anything like that.

And then I read the other comments and learned that this story is largely an Overwatch trailer with a new paintjob. If I had liked this story, I would have felt cheated. As it was, I mostly just felt disappointed. There's nothing wrong with writing crossovers or with the idea behind a story being "X, but with ponies." A large chunk of my ideas have come from me seeing a thing and wondering what it would be like if ponies were involved. But you can't just take a story you like and change the characters to ponies. A good crossover involves more than that. You need to take the things that make each source material special and combine them. For example, if I was going to ponify that trailer, I might have had Scootaloo take the girl's role and Rainbow Dash take Soldier 76's role, and instead of saving the girl from a gang, Rainbow would save Scoots from some monsters in the Everfree, and at the end we would learn that this is where Scootaloo's hero-worship of Rainbow Dash started.
Or something. That's just the first idea that came to my mind.

I do like the reveal in the last two paragraphs though. That is an idea that you could do a lot with.