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While >>Miller Minus is being:
A bit harsh on this story FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON, I'll agree with a couple of his points. The question of why Drizzles is in Ponyville remains a mystery, and I'd personally like some resolution to it. And while I love filly Cheerilee letting us know when the story's taking place, I'd like that information sooner, author. So let me suggest starting the story a scene earlier as Drizzles is flying into Ponyville. He could compare/contrast his first impression of the place to Stallionigrad or Cloudsdale or wherever he's just come from, then he could meet Bright Mac and Pear Butter in some way that further reinforces his decision that Ponyville is the place for him: friendly folks, lovely countryside, et cetera, et cetera. This'll strengthen his reason for wanting to be here, will tell us where we are time-wise right at the top, and will give him a connection to the Apples early on to make that middle scene even more devastating.
Mike
A bit harsh on this story FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON, I'll agree with a couple of his points. The question of why Drizzles is in Ponyville remains a mystery, and I'd personally like some resolution to it. And while I love filly Cheerilee letting us know when the story's taking place, I'd like that information sooner, author. So let me suggest starting the story a scene earlier as Drizzles is flying into Ponyville. He could compare/contrast his first impression of the place to Stallionigrad or Cloudsdale or wherever he's just come from, then he could meet Bright Mac and Pear Butter in some way that further reinforces his decision that Ponyville is the place for him: friendly folks, lovely countryside, et cetera, et cetera. This'll strengthen his reason for wanting to be here, will tell us where we are time-wise right at the top, and will give him a connection to the Apples early on to make that middle scene even more devastating.
Mike
Trying to get:
My comments in before tomorrow's deadline, I'll largely agree with everyone above about the unresolved "why?" Halfway through the story, I thought the necklace was going to turn out to be a traditional earth pony engagement gift, so for Dash to give it to AJ even with the Apple family connection was going to be culturally very dissonant for AJ unless Dash is actually declaring her love. But then that didn't happen...
So clear that up, author, and you'll be well on your way!
Mike
My comments in before tomorrow's deadline, I'll largely agree with everyone above about the unresolved "why?" Halfway through the story, I thought the necklace was going to turn out to be a traditional earth pony engagement gift, so for Dash to give it to AJ even with the Apple family connection was going to be culturally very dissonant for AJ unless Dash is actually declaring her love. But then that didn't happen...
So clear that up, author, and you'll be well on your way!
Mike
Okay, so there's a lot of moving pieces when it comes to this entry, so I'm going to break from my usual review format of likes-dislikes-suggestions and just go through this one from the top.
Now, a good hook is really important when it comes to short story type fiction, and it's doubly so with a Writeoff entry. We're going into this story absolutely blind, with no cover art or summary to tell us which characters, settings, or genres/themes we're going to be seeing. So it's difficult to overstate how important it is that your first 300 or so words immediately gives us a sense of what's going on and something to care about.
The first paragraph kind of stumbles it that regard. We get a place and a time of day, and then a checklist of what our OC POV character looks like. Is this important information? Yes! But is it vital to the reader making an immediate emotional investment in the story? Maybe not.
From my personal reading experience, there was also a bit of a tone clash. When I see a character in the middle of a "Oh, what a wonderful day!" line getting interrupted by an off-screen noise, I tend to automatically think 'comedy.' This was kind of reinforced by the whole "check for a pulse" bit. Now, in hindsight, I realize that all this is probably to establish the character as the kind of snarky, hard-boiled sort, but back when I had absolutely no idea what this story was going to be about, I took what I saw as an indication that I was reading a comedy. By the time we're halfway through Fancy's scene, I figured out that this was supposed to be more of a noir piece, but I think a bit of harm was already done to my general reading experience.
Now, I do like what you're going for with Fancy Pants' scene, with trying to subvert our main character's expectations. But to be honest, I'm not sure that it worked well for me. Part of the reason is that I'm just not all that familiar with the Comet yet at this point of the story, so him having to reconsider his "nobles are fools" belief doesn't quite feel meaningful yet. It's also a tough sell, because between introduction and his departure, Fancy Pants is only in this story for about 350 words. That's an awfully short amount of time to make somebody rethink the beliefs that they hold.
Now, the next scene does a great job of immediately setting up contrast between Midnight Comet and Stormy Spear. I like that you're doing this, because it's a great way to set the stage for some character interaction between them. Unfortunately, the scene (and the story itself) ends before they can really start bouncing off of each other. Like the other reviewers said, it really does feel like you ran out of time, which is really unfortunate.
I'm under the impression that you're trying to set up a kind of buddy-cop dynamic between Comet and Spear, and I think that would be an excellent way to move this story forward. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that both parties really need to be contributing to the dynamic between them. Right now, I really only see Comet as bringing things to the table. He's the competent one, he's the one with the know-how, and he's got the outsider dynamic. Spear, on the other hand, only really has the chance to be reactive and flighty, so he just doesn't end up seeming very interesting. Given a bit more spotlight, though, I'm sure he'll have a chance to shine.
Overall, I can tell that this story was written with passion and inspiration, and I'm very glad to have read it! But I will have to agree with our other reviewers in that there probably needs to be some work done to make the payoff everything it could be. Thank you for submitting, and hope we see you next time too!
Now, a good hook is really important when it comes to short story type fiction, and it's doubly so with a Writeoff entry. We're going into this story absolutely blind, with no cover art or summary to tell us which characters, settings, or genres/themes we're going to be seeing. So it's difficult to overstate how important it is that your first 300 or so words immediately gives us a sense of what's going on and something to care about.
The first paragraph kind of stumbles it that regard. We get a place and a time of day, and then a checklist of what our OC POV character looks like. Is this important information? Yes! But is it vital to the reader making an immediate emotional investment in the story? Maybe not.
From my personal reading experience, there was also a bit of a tone clash. When I see a character in the middle of a "Oh, what a wonderful day!" line getting interrupted by an off-screen noise, I tend to automatically think 'comedy.' This was kind of reinforced by the whole "check for a pulse" bit. Now, in hindsight, I realize that all this is probably to establish the character as the kind of snarky, hard-boiled sort, but back when I had absolutely no idea what this story was going to be about, I took what I saw as an indication that I was reading a comedy. By the time we're halfway through Fancy's scene, I figured out that this was supposed to be more of a noir piece, but I think a bit of harm was already done to my general reading experience.
Now, I do like what you're going for with Fancy Pants' scene, with trying to subvert our main character's expectations. But to be honest, I'm not sure that it worked well for me. Part of the reason is that I'm just not all that familiar with the Comet yet at this point of the story, so him having to reconsider his "nobles are fools" belief doesn't quite feel meaningful yet. It's also a tough sell, because between introduction and his departure, Fancy Pants is only in this story for about 350 words. That's an awfully short amount of time to make somebody rethink the beliefs that they hold.
Now, the next scene does a great job of immediately setting up contrast between Midnight Comet and Stormy Spear. I like that you're doing this, because it's a great way to set the stage for some character interaction between them. Unfortunately, the scene (and the story itself) ends before they can really start bouncing off of each other. Like the other reviewers said, it really does feel like you ran out of time, which is really unfortunate.
I'm under the impression that you're trying to set up a kind of buddy-cop dynamic between Comet and Spear, and I think that would be an excellent way to move this story forward. One thing to keep in mind, though, is that both parties really need to be contributing to the dynamic between them. Right now, I really only see Comet as bringing things to the table. He's the competent one, he's the one with the know-how, and he's got the outsider dynamic. Spear, on the other hand, only really has the chance to be reactive and flighty, so he just doesn't end up seeming very interesting. Given a bit more spotlight, though, I'm sure he'll have a chance to shine.
Overall, I can tell that this story was written with passion and inspiration, and I'm very glad to have read it! But I will have to agree with our other reviewers in that there probably needs to be some work done to make the payoff everything it could be. Thank you for submitting, and hope we see you next time too!
Again:
Here I am agreeing with everyone. Have Pinkie be more Pinkie in the scenes outside the Boutique, author, have Rarity wonder why Pinkie is so sedate when they're alone together, and make the ring a proper MacGuffin--something that drives the plot but isn't really integral to the story that develops. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
Here I am agreeing with everyone. Have Pinkie be more Pinkie in the scenes outside the Boutique, author, have Rarity wonder why Pinkie is so sedate when they're alone together, and make the ring a proper MacGuffin--something that drives the plot but isn't really integral to the story that develops. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
Okay, so like basically everyone else, I'm really loving the sheer scope and scale of the ideas here. The apocalyptic fantasy themes here are inspired and gorgeous, so well done!
Now, I will have to end up echoing a bit of what >>Miller Minus says about the voicing and a bit of what >>Chris says about the info-dumps. I think another thing that ultimately ends up hurting you is the detached, almost clinical tone in the latter half of the story.
You establish this tone in the first half to great effect. It makes Celestia's situation seem bleak, and it sets up the mid-story twist nicely. But I think that Twilight's arrival should have really signaled a shift away from this mood. When Twilight shows up, IMHO it's time to get emotional! This is supposed to be the culminating moment of all the big ideas you've been feeding us, but it ends up feeling kind of flat. The two alicorns very professional convey the situation to one another, before the conversation and the story ends. I don't think it's necessarily out of character for Celly and Twilight to speak like this (after all, they are thousands of years older now), but it's just not very climatic.
In the end, I can really tell that there's a lot of thought that went into this story. But I found it difficult to translate these cool ideas into emotional payoff, for the reasons stated above. If you choose to expand this, I'd absolutely love to see what you come up with!
Now, I will have to end up echoing a bit of what >>Miller Minus says about the voicing and a bit of what >>Chris says about the info-dumps. I think another thing that ultimately ends up hurting you is the detached, almost clinical tone in the latter half of the story.
You establish this tone in the first half to great effect. It makes Celestia's situation seem bleak, and it sets up the mid-story twist nicely. But I think that Twilight's arrival should have really signaled a shift away from this mood. When Twilight shows up, IMHO it's time to get emotional! This is supposed to be the culminating moment of all the big ideas you've been feeding us, but it ends up feeling kind of flat. The two alicorns very professional convey the situation to one another, before the conversation and the story ends. I don't think it's necessarily out of character for Celly and Twilight to speak like this (after all, they are thousands of years older now), but it's just not very climatic.
In the end, I can really tell that there's a lot of thought that went into this story. But I found it difficult to translate these cool ideas into emotional payoff, for the reasons stated above. If you choose to expand this, I'd absolutely love to see what you come up with!
Okay, so a lot of our reviewers how strong the OCs come across, and I think I have to echo that sentiment. Overall, I think I really like the idea of this story, to kind of showcase this relatively low-key SoL that also has a dramatic twist to it.
Unfortunately, I can kinda feel the execution fall apart towards the end. The last scene is, well, playing pretty fast and loose with tying up as many loose ends as it can. Applejack's appearance is kind of sudden, and Drizzle's little pep-talk to Twi also feels a little... unwarranted? In contrast to how the first scenes handle their character work, this feels ham-fisted in comparison.
You're definitely not hitting the word cap, so I'm going to assume that you might have hit the time limit. As it is right now, it's a little abrupt-feeling, and it doesn't quite develop it's payoff to the fullest extent. Which is a shame; I'd really like to see what this piece can do if it had the space to breathe.
Unfortunately, I can kinda feel the execution fall apart towards the end. The last scene is, well, playing pretty fast and loose with tying up as many loose ends as it can. Applejack's appearance is kind of sudden, and Drizzle's little pep-talk to Twi also feels a little... unwarranted? In contrast to how the first scenes handle their character work, this feels ham-fisted in comparison.
You're definitely not hitting the word cap, so I'm going to assume that you might have hit the time limit. As it is right now, it's a little abrupt-feeling, and it doesn't quite develop it's payoff to the fullest extent. Which is a shame; I'd really like to see what this piece can do if it had the space to breathe.
>>Posh
FUCK YEAH MASHUPS
In Soviet Equestria, Moon Shoots for Ascension!: This millennium, Luna's gonna have to spend a nice, long, chat with the Angel of Chastity.
The Golden Alicorn of Old Flames: Everypony decides it's really not worth getting Sun-butt out of the sun. So they just leave for a new solar system.
Hidden Demise: The Mane 6 have to try to explain to a very determined monster hunter that Rainbow Dash isn't a fucking zombie. Well, technically, maybe, but she's a friendship zombie.
Ambassador Tempest's Cleanse: The Storm King won't let Tempest attend a thirteenth anniversary comic book convention unless she agrees to have her leg chopped off by a magic ring.
FUCK YEAH MASHUPS
In Soviet Equestria, Moon Shoots for Ascension!: This millennium, Luna's gonna have to spend a nice, long, chat with the Angel of Chastity.
The Golden Alicorn of Old Flames: Everypony decides it's really not worth getting Sun-butt out of the sun. So they just leave for a new solar system.
Hidden Demise: The Mane 6 have to try to explain to a very determined monster hunter that Rainbow Dash isn't a fucking zombie. Well, technically, maybe, but she's a friendship zombie.
Ambassador Tempest's Cleanse: The Storm King won't let Tempest attend a thirteenth anniversary comic book convention unless she agrees to have her leg chopped off by a magic ring.
Hate to pile on the "what's with the necklace" baggage train, but... yeah, what's with the necklace? I know that's a pretty weak comment, this late in the round, but everything I could possibly say has kinda already been said.
...Actually:
I alluded to this in my mash-up, but... literally went to Hell and back? This calls to mind an image of Rainbow Dash tracking down and mugging the disembodied soul of Bright Mac to obtain a lost family heirloom. Or grave-robbing it from his corpse.
Maybe that's why AJ didn't want it...
...Actually:
Rainbow had literally had to go through Tartarus and back,
I alluded to this in my mash-up, but... literally went to Hell and back? This calls to mind an image of Rainbow Dash tracking down and mugging the disembodied soul of Bright Mac to obtain a lost family heirloom. Or grave-robbing it from his corpse.
Maybe that's why AJ didn't want it...
Ok, I’m taking credit. The Golden Alicorn of the Sun is mine (and published on FimFiction). Give me your hearts, ripped raw from your chests and marinated in a bed of pure sea salt. I’ve probably thought about writing a story like this ever since I read Ray Bradbury’s The Golden Apples of the Sun back way long ago. I re-read it recently, and I have to admit, I wanted to ‘fix’ some of what I now see as problems. (much like I suppose some people want to fix Rembrandts and such, but meh) So the writeoff popped up with this prompt and that little devil that all of us have in the back of our minds gave me a poke and said, “Put up or shut up.”
The Golden Apples of the Sun is from "The Song of Wandering Aengus" by W.B. Yates in 1899
No, I’m not quite sure what he meant either. I guess I don’t have the heart of a poet. (although I do have an empty jar on my desk in case I find one)
Anyway, the Bradbury story has a ship travel to the sun to collect a dipper full of the sun’s surface to bring back to Earth. I want you to think about that for a moment. If you said, “Yeah that sounds reasonable” that noise you hear is your high school science teacher beating his head against the wall and wishing he had become a beautician.
Thankfully, this is a My Little Pony round.
So what better way to pay homage to that great mind than to send Twilight and all of her friends to the sun to rescue Princess Celestia, who is stranded there after making a Heroic Sacrifice to re-ignite the sun (Think of the 2007 film Sunshine only… No, on second thought, never think of that horrible abomination of physics again. What’s worse, it doesn’t even make most top ten worst science films lists. Ick.
Really, every time I think I’m a lousy writer, I go watch something that the film industry pumped fifty million dollars or so into, and I feel so much better. Hm. I wonder if they’ve thought of a plot for My Little Pony - The Sequel
(Replies to the wonderful people who commented once I get back from my trip today)
The Golden Apples of the Sun is from "The Song of Wandering Aengus" by W.B. Yates in 1899
Though I am old with wandering
Through hollow lands and hilly lands,
I will find out where she has gone
And kiss her lips and take her hands;
And walk among long dappled grass,
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
No, I’m not quite sure what he meant either. I guess I don’t have the heart of a poet. (although I do have an empty jar on my desk in case I find one)
Anyway, the Bradbury story has a ship travel to the sun to collect a dipper full of the sun’s surface to bring back to Earth. I want you to think about that for a moment. If you said, “Yeah that sounds reasonable” that noise you hear is your high school science teacher beating his head against the wall and wishing he had become a beautician.
Thankfully, this is a My Little Pony round.
So what better way to pay homage to that great mind than to send Twilight and all of her friends to the sun to rescue Princess Celestia, who is stranded there after making a Heroic Sacrifice to re-ignite the sun (Think of the 2007 film Sunshine only… No, on second thought, never think of that horrible abomination of physics again. What’s worse, it doesn’t even make most top ten worst science films lists. Ick.
Really, every time I think I’m a lousy writer, I go watch something that the film industry pumped fifty million dollars or so into, and I feel so much better. Hm. I wonder if they’ve thought of a plot for My Little Pony - The Sequel
(Replies to the wonderful people who commented once I get back from my trip today)
>>Chris
>>TerrusStokkr
>>Miller Minus
>>Posh
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to comment on every story--the San Diego Comic-Con was this week, and I've been going since the early 1980s--but I did read 'em all to make sure I could produce an informed ballot. It was a good group all the way around!
As for my story here, the prompt brought me the immediate image of Pinkamina in all her psychotic glory ranting about how Equestria must be cleansed through fire, but I wasn't at all interested in writing that. Taking a step back, though, led me to think about Pinkie and wonder if maybe Pinkie's every bit as introverted as her twin sister Marble but that she's learned how to play the part of an extrovert since she's so driven to give parties. I know that in my case, I need to be alone to recharge after I've been playing the extrovert, so how would Pinkie go about doing that?
Word games with Rarity, of course, and from there, the first draft flowed pretty straightforwardly. It needs fleshing out as folks pointed out, and I'll be doing that this next week, I think. I might also wanna commission some cover art--there aren't a lot of pictures out there of Rarity and Pinkie together...
Oh, and "cleanse" starts with the same two letters as both "clickety" and "clack," hence Pinkie's description. I can have Rarity express some reservations about it, though. More conflict for the scene!
Mike
>>TerrusStokkr
>>Miller Minus
>>Posh
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to comment on every story--the San Diego Comic-Con was this week, and I've been going since the early 1980s--but I did read 'em all to make sure I could produce an informed ballot. It was a good group all the way around!
As for my story here, the prompt brought me the immediate image of Pinkamina in all her psychotic glory ranting about how Equestria must be cleansed through fire, but I wasn't at all interested in writing that. Taking a step back, though, led me to think about Pinkie and wonder if maybe Pinkie's every bit as introverted as her twin sister Marble but that she's learned how to play the part of an extrovert since she's so driven to give parties. I know that in my case, I need to be alone to recharge after I've been playing the extrovert, so how would Pinkie go about doing that?
Word games with Rarity, of course, and from there, the first draft flowed pretty straightforwardly. It needs fleshing out as folks pointed out, and I'll be doing that this next week, I think. I might also wanna commission some cover art--there aren't a lot of pictures out there of Rarity and Pinkie together...
Oh, and "cleanse" starts with the same two letters as both "clickety" and "clack," hence Pinkie's description. I can have Rarity express some reservations about it, though. More conflict for the scene!
Mike
Thanks to a reminder from Miller Minus, this round's folder is now created over at FIMFic. As usual, if you don't have permission to add your stories to the folder, poke me here or at FIMFic or wherever you can find me — to prevent spam, it's locked to "Contributor" status, which is given out to all authors who have participated in at least one Writeoff.
A'ight, retrospective time for...
Demise Reprise
So, like many people clearly did, my first thought when I read the words Through Flames was of crossing between life and death. So I wrote a story about doing that over and over again--even when your friends really wish you'd pick a side and stay on it (hint: there is a correct side).
My original thought was to have most of the story be about Twilight getting her exasperated/annoyed friends together, but as I started writing I felt like that was stretching on too much and getting same-y, so I cut it down to just AJ and Fluttershy, and instead of having "okay everypony, time to go get Dash again" the endpoint, decided to dive into Dash's psyche. Unfortunately, it's kind of a shallow pool.
(Honest, RD is my favorite of the main six!)
Anyway, there seems to be a consensus that the outside-Tartarus stuff dragged a bit, or at least was a little wheel-spinny, so when I edit this I'll see if I can give it some more forward push without losing the weary dark humor I was aiming for. That bit seemed to come through, at least, which I was glad to see; character-twisting dark comedy isn't something I've really tried before, so I was glad the humor of it seemed to land. Thank you all for the comments; you've given me plenty to work with when I edit. And congrats to our winners, and to everyone who entered.
Specific comments:
>>TerrusStokkr
Thanks for the comments, and welcome to the Writeoff! "I hope to read more stories like this" is a great compliment, and I appreciate it.
>>Miller Minus
Point taken on the quipping; there are a few bits that are literally "here's a sentence of moving the plot forward. Here's three reactions. Here's another sentence moving the plot forward. Here's two more reactions. Here's..." I'll keep on eye on that going forward. Thanks for pointing that out!
>>Bachiavellian
I totally get what you mean about wrapping it around to the show themes. I think I need to workshop the ending a little bit (the current one is funny, but it's not really thematic) and look at giving this more of a through-line in that regard. Thanks for the comments!
>>Rao
Glad you enjoyed!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks for the suggestions, and especially good call on the Dash line. I appreciate it!
>>Posh
Hey, high praise! I think that giving this a little more thematic focus and maybe shortening it a bit will address your criticisms, so, I'mma do that.
Also! specific comments on other stories:
>>Miller Minus
Well, it's pretty clearly low-effort for the teachers; despite the main six being the principal teachers, it doesn't seem to interfere with AJ's ability to run a farm with only her brother for support, with Rarity's ability to manage a small business franchise, etc. And from the students perspective... well, their studies don't seem to take up much on-screen time too, but unlike the main six, they don't have extensive, complicated lives that we know aren't being interfered with. I guess that's more into personal opinion than canon fact, then, but the lessons we've seen them learning are how to share sweets, how to hug... real kindergarten-level stuff.
Anyway, I'm not saying that a story about the academic rigours of Friendship Community and Technical College can't exist, but without addressing that in any way... well, to me at least, it doesn't jive with what we've been shown.
>>Posh
Well... I disagree. About being able to assume the author knows that, that is. A lot of people don't find contemporary-age Twilestia problematic, and I don't assume that they're all able to somehow intuit exactly what about a particular portrayal of Twilestia is or is not likely to cross someone else's ethical third rail. That's kind of moot, though, because the reason I mentioned it (which I thought was clear in context; I apologize that it wasn't!) was because it's a disclaimer. Like, that footnote is me saying "when I say this about your story, I am quite confident I'm speaking for a significant group of readers, but they aren't your readers for this fic." As a writer, I would consider that useful information to know about my story, and if possible, would want a reviewer to make clear who they might reasonably be talking for, and to what extent that group overlaps with my target readership. I'm sorry I didn't convey that well!
Demise Reprise
So, like many people clearly did, my first thought when I read the words Through Flames was of crossing between life and death. So I wrote a story about doing that over and over again--even when your friends really wish you'd pick a side and stay on it (hint: there is a correct side).
My original thought was to have most of the story be about Twilight getting her exasperated/annoyed friends together, but as I started writing I felt like that was stretching on too much and getting same-y, so I cut it down to just AJ and Fluttershy, and instead of having "okay everypony, time to go get Dash again" the endpoint, decided to dive into Dash's psyche. Unfortunately, it's kind of a shallow pool.
(Honest, RD is my favorite of the main six!)
Anyway, there seems to be a consensus that the outside-Tartarus stuff dragged a bit, or at least was a little wheel-spinny, so when I edit this I'll see if I can give it some more forward push without losing the weary dark humor I was aiming for. That bit seemed to come through, at least, which I was glad to see; character-twisting dark comedy isn't something I've really tried before, so I was glad the humor of it seemed to land. Thank you all for the comments; you've given me plenty to work with when I edit. And congrats to our winners, and to everyone who entered.
Specific comments:
>>TerrusStokkr
Thanks for the comments, and welcome to the Writeoff! "I hope to read more stories like this" is a great compliment, and I appreciate it.
>>Miller Minus
Point taken on the quipping; there are a few bits that are literally "here's a sentence of moving the plot forward. Here's three reactions. Here's another sentence moving the plot forward. Here's two more reactions. Here's..." I'll keep on eye on that going forward. Thanks for pointing that out!
>>Bachiavellian
I totally get what you mean about wrapping it around to the show themes. I think I need to workshop the ending a little bit (the current one is funny, but it's not really thematic) and look at giving this more of a through-line in that regard. Thanks for the comments!
>>Rao
Glad you enjoyed!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks for the suggestions, and especially good call on the Dash line. I appreciate it!
>>Posh
Hey, high praise! I think that giving this a little more thematic focus and maybe shortening it a bit will address your criticisms, so, I'mma do that.
Also! specific comments on other stories:
>>Miller Minus
I've seen most of the school episodes and I don't remember it being implied to be zero-effort for either party.
Well, it's pretty clearly low-effort for the teachers; despite the main six being the principal teachers, it doesn't seem to interfere with AJ's ability to run a farm with only her brother for support, with Rarity's ability to manage a small business franchise, etc. And from the students perspective... well, their studies don't seem to take up much on-screen time too, but unlike the main six, they don't have extensive, complicated lives that we know aren't being interfered with. I guess that's more into personal opinion than canon fact, then, but the lessons we've seen them learning are how to share sweets, how to hug... real kindergarten-level stuff.
Anyway, I'm not saying that a story about the academic rigours of Friendship Community and Technical College can't exist, but without addressing that in any way... well, to me at least, it doesn't jive with what we've been shown.
>>Posh
I'm just saying, what you've presented in this story is something that I, and plenty of other readers, can and will 100% read as statutory rape.
I'm sure the author knows that already, and I don't see why you brought it up in the first place, beyond just providing the disclaimer that you don't care for the ship.
Well... I disagree. About being able to assume the author knows that, that is. A lot of people don't find contemporary-age Twilestia problematic, and I don't assume that they're all able to somehow intuit exactly what about a particular portrayal of Twilestia is or is not likely to cross someone else's ethical third rail. That's kind of moot, though, because the reason I mentioned it (which I thought was clear in context; I apologize that it wasn't!) was because it's a disclaimer. Like, that footnote is me saying "when I say this about your story, I am quite confident I'm speaking for a significant group of readers, but they aren't your readers for this fic." As a writer, I would consider that useful information to know about my story, and if possible, would want a reviewer to make clear who they might reasonably be talking for, and to what extent that group overlaps with my target readership. I'm sorry I didn't convey that well!
>>Chris
I mean... I guess if you'd prefer the writers lampshade that the school requires effort every time they want to write something that takes place outside it then you do you, but to a couple of your other points:
Well of course it doesn't; that'd be boring. But they take place off-screen all the time.
Are we watching the same show? I've seen references to them writing essays on monsters, learning the history of Equestria, and studying in groups for upcoming tests. Sure it's not Introduction to Quantum Biology but in the context of the show it's meant to be challenging at times. I'm not normally one to go after other peoples' interpretations, but you seem to be implying that the school is a waste of time that everybody's letting Twilight do because it's adorable.
But if that's really how you see it then okie-doke.
SEE YOU AT BRONYCON, NEW FRIEND CHRISTOPHER
I mean... I guess if you'd prefer the writers lampshade that the school requires effort every time they want to write something that takes place outside it then you do you, but to a couple of your other points:
their studies don't seem to take up much on-screen time
Well of course it doesn't; that'd be boring. But they take place off-screen all the time.
but the lessons we've seen them learning are how to share sweets, how to hug... real kindergarten-level stuff
Are we watching the same show? I've seen references to them writing essays on monsters, learning the history of Equestria, and studying in groups for upcoming tests. Sure it's not Introduction to Quantum Biology but in the context of the show it's meant to be challenging at times. I'm not normally one to go after other peoples' interpretations, but you seem to be implying that the school is a waste of time that everybody's letting Twilight do because it's adorable.
But if that's really how you see it then okie-doke.
SEE YOU AT BRONYCON, NEW FRIEND CHRISTOPHER
>>Miller Minus
Okay, so, unless that's all from the most recent season (which I haven't watched), then I legit don't remember that stuff.
And if it is from the most recent season... well, ignore the idiot who doesn't keep up with the show, I guess!
Not gonna be at Bronycon, but have fun! And buy my book, if you wanna :p
Okay, so, unless that's all from the most recent season (which I haven't watched), then I legit don't remember that stuff.
And if it is from the most recent season... well, ignore the idiot who doesn't keep up with the show, I guess!
Congrats to Baal, georg, and Miller on their medals! Craaaazy close round this time around; I think this is the first time I've seen top-slate votes go down this far. What I'm saying is, this was a really competitive round, which was really cool to see!
Retrospective: Where There's Smoke
Okay, so I kind of gave up on this story twice.
The very first idea I had was do to a piece about how firefighting works in Equestria, but I honestly thought that was kind of boring, and I ditched it pretty early in my brainstorming process. For most of Friday and Saturday, I was playing with the idea of writing a rom-com shipping story, where somepony is trying to date a Wonderbolt, but has to get through Spitfire first. I'm a genius, aren't I?
Well, that idea went absolutely nowhere, so on Sunday I ressurected the firefighter idea (thanos_back_to_me.jpg) and tried to hammer it out. I got the idea of this firefighter who would help put out fires in each of the Mane 6's houses over the span of the show, and I wrote the first scene with that in mind.
And then I was stuck for about an hour, trying to figure out how to order the Mane 6's scenes, and how the logistics of firefighting in the MLP universe would work. Eventually, I got frustrated, told the Discord chat that I gave up, and started playing video games for a couple of hours.
And then, since my muse is a bitch, I got some ideas about 9PM. So of course I had to sit down and slam them all out, before passing out around 3AM with a 9AM meeting the next day. Unsurprisingly, the last scene (which I wrote in a questionable state of wakefulness) made me cringe and pull on my hair when I read it the next morning.
But honestly, I like this idea. I got some great advice from ya'll, and I'm seriously considering expanding/publishing it. Thanks!
>>Chris
Yeah, so this story went from having about 7-9 planned scenes to the 4 that you see now. Totally agree that we should have had at least one or two between the first fire and the Apple fire.
As for Mama's accent, I kind of like the unexpected reveal of Ponyville, but I'm gonna lose that element anyway if/when I publish to Fimfic, so I guess it's one of those things that's gotta go. To expand a bit more on the idea, I kinda wanted to base it a bit on my own real life experience of moving to the South, having absolutely no idea what anyone was saying for a year or two, and then eventually starting to sound like them. So, I've tried to make Drizzles sound more and more "country" throughout the story. I thought it was a neat idea at the time, but in retrospect I guess it'd be hard for the readers to notice, let alone care.
Thank you for your thoughts!
>>TerrusStokkr
Regarding the need for another couple of scenes, I agree too! Having more scenes before the Apple fire would probably also give me more chances to clue the reader in on the time period, considering that the only one so far is that one-word reference to filly Cherilee. Happy you enjoyed it, and thanks for leaving a comment!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thank you for your kind words! Yeah, to be honest, I did totally kind of do a bad job of working with any of the themes of this story, especially with how I kinda flubbed the ending. So I totally agree with you that the message needs a bit of work to really come out. You're not being dense—I was being lazy. :P
As for Mama Bear's name, the IRL explanation is that when I was outlining the characters, my stand-in name for the station chief (who's main qualities I knew was going to be female, older, protective, and southern) was "Mama Bear" in my notes. And then, honestly, I just couldn't think of a better name, so I stuck with it, even though it's a bit un-Equestrian and more than a little bit on-the-nose.
The in-universe explanation is that her parents were zookeepers, or something. :P
Thank you for your review!
>>Posh
Originally, each character of the fire department was going to get their own little "showcase" scene. Mama's was the first two, then the each of the twins would get their own, then Sprinkler, then a character that I cut (who would be handling communications/dragonfire, a role I eventually repurposed for Sprinkler), and then Drizzles would get a chance to shine. This was going to line up with the original idea of putting out a fire at each of the Mane 6's houses, ending with Twilight's treehouse after Tirek. So, basically, Mama Bear was the only one who got the spotlight, because I apparently can't plan stories on the fly. :P
Yeah, that last scene is just a total flipping mess. That's where I know I'm going to have to do the most work, if I want to publish this. I'll probably axe like 70-80% of it, honestly.
And also, I originally wrote "Drizzle's" like every time, and it looks like I only caught about half of them. Blugh!
Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Miller Minus
Right, I totally get what you're saying about how this story doesn't really go anywhere. I guess that's what I get when I change the point of the story like three times in the middle of writing. And yeah, I kind of completely forgot to mention anything at all about why Drizzles decided to go to Ponyville in the first place. Blughhhhhhhhh; that was sloppy of me.
I think I was kind of going for your option 2 here in my original idea of this story, and then it started kind of morphing into option 3 while I was writing. Which, of course, wasn't really helped by the fact that I ended up axing 3 or 4 scenes that were meant to develop the other fire department members other than Mama. Blughhhhhhh!
Thank you so much for your thoughts; I always appreciate your criticism!
>>Rao
Yes, that last scene was just a mess. I was really just trying to tie a pretty little bow on as many of the lingering plot points as I could before I passed out. There was literally a moment, when I chose to re-introduce AJ, that I said out loud "Because it's fucking thematic or something!", in frustration at myself. It's just.... not a shining example of cohesive storytelling.
Happy you seemed to like it, though! And you're going to need to tell me this helicopter story someday. (If you're up for it, of course).
>>Baal Bunny
Miller is being harsh for COMPLETELY FATHOMABLE REASONS, MY STORY IS KIND OF A SLOPPY MESS. But really, I appreciate your thoughts! I kind of like the thought of having a scene where Drizzles gets to interact with Ponyville people in a non-firefighter context, so thank you for that suggestion!
>>Bachiavellian
You're a thot.
Okay, so that's all folks! I'll see you guys for the next round, and maybe a few of ya'll sooner, at BC. Take care!
Retrospective: Where There's Smoke
Okay, so I kind of gave up on this story twice.
The very first idea I had was do to a piece about how firefighting works in Equestria, but I honestly thought that was kind of boring, and I ditched it pretty early in my brainstorming process. For most of Friday and Saturday, I was playing with the idea of writing a rom-com shipping story, where somepony is trying to date a Wonderbolt, but has to get through Spitfire first. I'm a genius, aren't I?
Well, that idea went absolutely nowhere, so on Sunday I ressurected the firefighter idea (thanos_back_to_me.jpg) and tried to hammer it out. I got the idea of this firefighter who would help put out fires in each of the Mane 6's houses over the span of the show, and I wrote the first scene with that in mind.
And then I was stuck for about an hour, trying to figure out how to order the Mane 6's scenes, and how the logistics of firefighting in the MLP universe would work. Eventually, I got frustrated, told the Discord chat that I gave up, and started playing video games for a couple of hours.
And then, since my muse is a bitch, I got some ideas about 9PM. So of course I had to sit down and slam them all out, before passing out around 3AM with a 9AM meeting the next day. Unsurprisingly, the last scene (which I wrote in a questionable state of wakefulness) made me cringe and pull on my hair when I read it the next morning.
But honestly, I like this idea. I got some great advice from ya'll, and I'm seriously considering expanding/publishing it. Thanks!
>>Chris
Yeah, so this story went from having about 7-9 planned scenes to the 4 that you see now. Totally agree that we should have had at least one or two between the first fire and the Apple fire.
As for Mama's accent, I kind of like the unexpected reveal of Ponyville, but I'm gonna lose that element anyway if/when I publish to Fimfic, so I guess it's one of those things that's gotta go. To expand a bit more on the idea, I kinda wanted to base it a bit on my own real life experience of moving to the South, having absolutely no idea what anyone was saying for a year or two, and then eventually starting to sound like them. So, I've tried to make Drizzles sound more and more "country" throughout the story. I thought it was a neat idea at the time, but in retrospect I guess it'd be hard for the readers to notice, let alone care.
Thank you for your thoughts!
>>TerrusStokkr
Regarding the need for another couple of scenes, I agree too! Having more scenes before the Apple fire would probably also give me more chances to clue the reader in on the time period, considering that the only one so far is that one-word reference to filly Cherilee. Happy you enjoyed it, and thanks for leaving a comment!
>>Anonymous Potato
Thank you for your kind words! Yeah, to be honest, I did totally kind of do a bad job of working with any of the themes of this story, especially with how I kinda flubbed the ending. So I totally agree with you that the message needs a bit of work to really come out. You're not being dense—I was being lazy. :P
As for Mama Bear's name, the IRL explanation is that when I was outlining the characters, my stand-in name for the station chief (who's main qualities I knew was going to be female, older, protective, and southern) was "Mama Bear" in my notes. And then, honestly, I just couldn't think of a better name, so I stuck with it, even though it's a bit un-Equestrian and more than a little bit on-the-nose.
The in-universe explanation is that her parents were zookeepers, or something. :P
Thank you for your review!
>>Posh
Particularly Mama Bear, who really steals the show.
Originally, each character of the fire department was going to get their own little "showcase" scene. Mama's was the first two, then the each of the twins would get their own, then Sprinkler, then a character that I cut (who would be handling communications/dragonfire, a role I eventually repurposed for Sprinkler), and then Drizzles would get a chance to shine. This was going to line up with the original idea of putting out a fire at each of the Mane 6's houses, ending with Twilight's treehouse after Tirek. So, basically, Mama Bear was the only one who got the spotlight, because I apparently can't plan stories on the fly. :P
Yeah, that last scene is just a total flipping mess. That's where I know I'm going to have to do the most work, if I want to publish this. I'll probably axe like 70-80% of it, honestly.
And also, I originally wrote "Drizzle's" like every time, and it looks like I only caught about half of them. Blugh!
Appreciate you leaving your thoughts!
>>Miller Minus
Right, I totally get what you're saying about how this story doesn't really go anywhere. I guess that's what I get when I change the point of the story like three times in the middle of writing. And yeah, I kind of completely forgot to mention anything at all about why Drizzles decided to go to Ponyville in the first place. Blughhhhhhhhh; that was sloppy of me.
I think I was kind of going for your option 2 here in my original idea of this story, and then it started kind of morphing into option 3 while I was writing. Which, of course, wasn't really helped by the fact that I ended up axing 3 or 4 scenes that were meant to develop the other fire department members other than Mama. Blughhhhhhh!
Thank you so much for your thoughts; I always appreciate your criticism!
>>Rao
Yes, that last scene was just a mess. I was really just trying to tie a pretty little bow on as many of the lingering plot points as I could before I passed out. There was literally a moment, when I chose to re-introduce AJ, that I said out loud "Because it's fucking thematic or something!", in frustration at myself. It's just.... not a shining example of cohesive storytelling.
Happy you seemed to like it, though! And you're going to need to tell me this helicopter story someday. (If you're up for it, of course).
>>Baal Bunny
Miller is being harsh for COMPLETELY FATHOMABLE REASONS, MY STORY IS KIND OF A SLOPPY MESS. But really, I appreciate your thoughts! I kind of like the thought of having a scene where Drizzles gets to interact with Ponyville people in a non-firefighter context, so thank you for that suggestion!
>>Bachiavellian
You're a thot.
Okay, so that's all folks! I'll see you guys for the next round, and maybe a few of ya'll sooner, at BC. Take care!
Really interesting color choice for the sun! I think going for that muted grey-orange really works and evokes the feeling of something that's burnt out.
Now to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what the centerpiece image is supposed to be. I kind of see a sword-ish shape, but I don't recall a sword being mentioned in the story. If I'm being blind and/or stupid, feel free to let me know.
As for Celestia, I like the shape of her head and her ear, but proportionally speaking, I think her horn and her mane look a little too small for her head. The hard lines on her horn also kind of stick out a bit when compared to the softer lines that make up her eyes and features. It's also a little odd just to see her head, but I assume that it's because she's burning away in this scene.
Thank you for submitting!
Now to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what the centerpiece image is supposed to be. I kind of see a sword-ish shape, but I don't recall a sword being mentioned in the story. If I'm being blind and/or stupid, feel free to let me know.
As for Celestia, I like the shape of her head and her ear, but proportionally speaking, I think her horn and her mane look a little too small for her head. The hard lines on her horn also kind of stick out a bit when compared to the softer lines that make up her eyes and features. It's also a little odd just to see her head, but I assume that it's because she's burning away in this scene.
Thank you for submitting!
I'll be honest; I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, except for Philomena. You've tagged a lot of stories, but I just can't tell what those objects below Philomena are... One looks kinda like a flask to me, and the other looks like a monolith or something.
As for Philomena herself, it looks to me like it's from a photograph of a sewn-together image with felt or cotton? It's really neat, and I'd love to hear more about it once the round closes!
And if anyone can tell what's going on in the rest of the picture, please let me know, because I do feel kind of silly for not being able to figure it out.
Thank you for submitting!
As for Philomena herself, it looks to me like it's from a photograph of a sewn-together image with felt or cotton? It's really neat, and I'd love to hear more about it once the round closes!
And if anyone can tell what's going on in the rest of the picture, please let me know, because I do feel kind of silly for not being able to figure it out.
Thank you for submitting!
This is super neat, and I'd love to hear about where you grabbed all these bits and pieces from. That is, I'm assuming that each of the elements on the ship are compiled from real-life photos of various objects. If I'm wrong, I'd love to hear how this was actually done! Also. it's a cool call-back to the original Bradburry story that the ship is apple-shaped. Really neat stuff!
Thank you for submitting!
Thank you for submitting!
I absolutely love you for doing art of my story. Thank you so much!
Now, just going off of the looks of this, I think this has to be based on a screenshot or a vector from the show. If I'm wrong, and this is drawn, then color me super impressed.
Anyhoo, this is basically exactly how I imaged Drizzles in my head, complete with the little retro-ish fireman's jacket and all. Unless I'm seeing things, I think you've given him a bit of a lankier look than most pegasus stallions on the show, which I think fits him very well.
Thank you so much for submitting!!
Now, just going off of the looks of this, I think this has to be based on a screenshot or a vector from the show. If I'm wrong, and this is drawn, then color me super impressed.
Anyhoo, this is basically exactly how I imaged Drizzles in my head, complete with the little retro-ish fireman's jacket and all. Unless I'm seeing things, I think you've given him a bit of a lankier look than most pegasus stallions on the show, which I think fits him very well.
Thank you so much for submitting!!
I agree with >>Bachiavellian for the most part. Celestia's proportions seem off, but having her original form is a good touch. You could improve your line work as well.
>>Bachiavellian I'm pretty sure that the sword is a Dark Souls reference. It looks like the sword from Dark Souls 3. The Dark Souls series is about Death and Rebirth, a cycle, and I think the artist drew parallels between the two.
>>Bachiavellian I'm pretty sure that the sword is a Dark Souls reference. It looks like the sword from Dark Souls 3. The Dark Souls series is about Death and Rebirth, a cycle, and I think the artist drew parallels between the two.
"The forbidden fruit."
But seriously, this is very well crafted. There is a great balance here. Nothing fully stands out, and that is a good thing. I'm an artist as well (still training, but understands the basics) so I have a general understanding of how a piece should be composed. This piece is a good example, and one I will use in the future.
But seriously, this is very well crafted. There is a great balance here. Nothing fully stands out, and that is a good thing. I'm an artist as well (still training, but understands the basics) so I have a general understanding of how a piece should be composed. This piece is a good example, and one I will use in the future.
This is very impressive and I'm curious of how you made it. Do you use a reference or draw straight from your head? Either way, it is still good.
Compared to the other pieces, this is very simple. But sometimes simplicity is best. An artist needs to have balance, and needs to know when balance is needed. If too much is put into frame and it isn't balanced, then the piece fails.
I enjoy this piece, and if this what made by someone who submitted two pieces, then congrats. You managed to add two great pieces that didn't suffer any time constraint. You know what you are doing and I hope to see more art from you in the future.
Compared to the other pieces, this is very simple. But sometimes simplicity is best. An artist needs to have balance, and needs to know when balance is needed. If too much is put into frame and it isn't balanced, then the piece fails.
I enjoy this piece, and if this what made by someone who submitted two pieces, then congrats. You managed to add two great pieces that didn't suffer any time constraint. You know what you are doing and I hope to see more art from you in the future.
As >>Bachiavellian said, it feels like this piece was made out of cotton (or felt) and it is pretty cool. But I can't understand what anything is (besides Philomena), and I can't draw connections to the stories you have listed.
I'm assuming the design choice was to have the other objects be pretty vague, but there has to be a balance. For example, let's take the big green mound. I'm assuming it is the mountain from "Ascension", but that is just a shot in the dark. You could put a pony-like figure on top of the mountain to solve this, but "that makes it obvious". There would be a pretty easy fix for that. Change the color of the mound to brown with black patches, and have some clouds hang above it. Is it "Golden Oaks" or the mountain from "Ascension"?
Again, this assumption is drawn from how vague the objects were. The big lesson of art (and writing) is learning how to get the viewer (or reader) to correctly infer your intent behind the piece. Art is a story with pictures, so it is natural that the two share the same ideals.
Anyways (I was going on a tangent, but that was a very important point), I will restate I like the piece, but you should make it a little clearer. Abstraction pieces work better when you blur the lines between connected things. Instead of making you viewers wonder what an object is, make them wonder which interpretation is correct. (Blur the lines, don't obscure.)
I'm assuming the design choice was to have the other objects be pretty vague, but there has to be a balance. For example, let's take the big green mound. I'm assuming it is the mountain from "Ascension", but that is just a shot in the dark. You could put a pony-like figure on top of the mountain to solve this, but "that makes it obvious". There would be a pretty easy fix for that. Change the color of the mound to brown with black patches, and have some clouds hang above it. Is it "Golden Oaks" or the mountain from "Ascension"?
Again, this assumption is drawn from how vague the objects were. The big lesson of art (and writing) is learning how to get the viewer (or reader) to correctly infer your intent behind the piece. Art is a story with pictures, so it is natural that the two share the same ideals.
Anyways (I was going on a tangent, but that was a very important point), I will restate I like the piece, but you should make it a little clearer. Abstraction pieces work better when you blur the lines between connected things. Instead of making you viewers wonder what an object is, make them wonder which interpretation is correct. (Blur the lines, don't obscure.)
Took me a while to get around to reading these, been a hectic week, but here I am! Not looking at results (or comments) either, I don't want any preconceptions going in.
Anyway, this story definitely needs some work. You've got a cool little concept, but I get a strong impression that you got the deadline without having done everything you wanted to, or really gone back over it. Lots of little editing mistakes, and a lot of the character dialogue and descriptions are a bit "he was this and said this"--nothing necessarily wrong with that, but the prose does feel like it could use a little polish.
Still, as I said you have a cool little concept, and you've clearly put some love into these OC's. Keep at it!
Anyway, this story definitely needs some work. You've got a cool little concept, but I get a strong impression that you got the deadline without having done everything you wanted to, or really gone back over it. Lots of little editing mistakes, and a lot of the character dialogue and descriptions are a bit "he was this and said this"--nothing necessarily wrong with that, but the prose does feel like it could use a little polish.
Still, as I said you have a cool little concept, and you've clearly put some love into these OC's. Keep at it!
Oh damn, I really like this.
It really feels like we're following Drizzles through his life here, nervous Rookie to weary veteran. Not the most content heavy entry I've ever seen--very much vignettes in the life kind of feel--but very solid.
That little bit of interaction with Applejack at the end was fantastic.
It really feels like we're following Drizzles through his life here, nervous Rookie to weary veteran. Not the most content heavy entry I've ever seen--very much vignettes in the life kind of feel--but very solid.
That little bit of interaction with Applejack at the end was fantastic.
This is a delightful story. Rich and verbose and weird in all the best ways. Rarity and Pinkie just ooze character all over the place. I honestly don't have any criticisms; I think you hit exactly the note you wanted to with this. Good job.
A great character study of both Grubber and Tempest. I think some of the rest of it suffers a bit for this--specifically some of the descriptions, the setting, the fluff around the edges so to speak--but that's honestly a pretty minor complaint. Grubber and Tempest are the stars of the show here, and you nailed them. The double mobius reach-around backstab is brilliant, and works really well within canon and on it's own.
I'm a sucker for stories about old immortals, and a sucker for stories about Celestia.
So it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I love this story. The descriptions at the beginning are vivid, gripping and brilliant--honestly the whole concept had me on board from the first word to the last. If I had any criticisms, it would be that we're not really given any coherent explanation for what's going on with Luna--if you just wanted to write her out of the story, 'Team Rocket is blasting off agaaaaaaain!!!!' is an odd one. It's not bad, but it felt like a moment of out of place comedy in a story that otherwise felt quite serious.
But that's literally the only thing I could find to criticise, and I still liked it. So yeah, good job author.
So it shouldn't come as much of a surprise that I love this story. The descriptions at the beginning are vivid, gripping and brilliant--honestly the whole concept had me on board from the first word to the last. If I had any criticisms, it would be that we're not really given any coherent explanation for what's going on with Luna--if you just wanted to write her out of the story, 'Team Rocket is blasting off agaaaaaaain!!!!' is an odd one. It's not bad, but it felt like a moment of out of place comedy in a story that otherwise felt quite serious.
But that's literally the only thing I could find to criticise, and I still liked it. So yeah, good job author.
The writing here is good, and genuinely funny. Ye-Olde-Englishe Luna can be a bit tiresome if done wrong, so props to making her feel genuinely funny while still being ridiculous. The twist is great, 'mystery guard's reactions are great, buuuut....
While I get what you're going for, Luna came across as juuuust a little too much this side of creepy for my liking. I still like it, but I think that held me back from thinking of it as top tier. That is a very personal issue with the story though; nothing to do with the actual execution.
While I get what you're going for, Luna came across as juuuust a little too much this side of creepy for my liking. I still like it, but I think that held me back from thinking of it as top tier. That is a very personal issue with the story though; nothing to do with the actual execution.
Now this is my kind of comedy. Black and ridiculous. Comedies about death are usually great, and the execution on this definitely puts it up there in my books. Also, Rainbow Dash being literally too dumb to live is just such a great idea I can't help but laugh.
And the borthday joke was masterfully executed. Kudos.
And the borthday joke was masterfully executed. Kudos.
OH MAN.
Proper sci-fi? In my ponies? It's more likely than you think. :y
I grew up on Clarke and Asimov and Bradbury, and this is so much my jam it almost hurts. The nostalgia is real. It really reads like old school sci-fi too, all clinical and descriptive yet capturing the sense of hope andhuman pony triumph that so much of that era of the genre embodies.
This likely isn't a story for everyone, but you really hit the niche you were going for. And on a personal note, it was just really nice to read something like this again.
Proper sci-fi? In my ponies? It's more likely than you think. :y
I grew up on Clarke and Asimov and Bradbury, and this is so much my jam it almost hurts. The nostalgia is real. It really reads like old school sci-fi too, all clinical and descriptive yet capturing the sense of hope and
This likely isn't a story for everyone, but you really hit the niche you were going for. And on a personal note, it was just really nice to read something like this again.
The prose is good, the emotions for the most part feel natural and well conveyed...
But they don't make a whole lot of sense to me? Mostly the main conflict, AJ not wanting her necklace and all the other Main 6 agreeing it's a terrible idea. It was just a bit weird to me.
But they don't make a whole lot of sense to me? Mostly the main conflict, AJ not wanting her necklace and all the other Main 6 agreeing it's a terrible idea. It was just a bit weird to me.
Huh. I really liked this, and I wasn't really expecting to.
Autumn Blaze is perfectly ridiculous. Absurd, funny, almost Pinkie-esque in her quips, but feeling perfectly natural. Spike on the other hand has a much more grounded, mature presence in this story, and an honestly pretty nuanced internal/external conflict that I found myself fascinated by.
And yet you somehow made these two seemingly opposing characters, story arcs, genres, work together. Work together really well.
I'm a bit baffled, but mostly impressed.
Autumn Blaze is perfectly ridiculous. Absurd, funny, almost Pinkie-esque in her quips, but feeling perfectly natural. Spike on the other hand has a much more grounded, mature presence in this story, and an honestly pretty nuanced internal/external conflict that I found myself fascinated by.
And yet you somehow made these two seemingly opposing characters, story arcs, genres, work together. Work together really well.
I'm a bit baffled, but mostly impressed.
>>Bachiavellian
I made that:
"Unfathomable" comment because I was absolutely and totally convinced that this was Miller's story. But then I was similarly convinced that "Golden Alicorn" was Chris's entry. I'm always so sure of everything... :)
Mike
I made that:
"Unfathomable" comment because I was absolutely and totally convinced that this was Miller's story. But then I was similarly convinced that "Golden Alicorn" was Chris's entry. I'm always so sure of everything... :)
Mike
Holy shit this was fucking amazing. What is with all the quality entries this round?
I am and always will be a sucker for Celestia fics. Slightly less well known is that well done Twilestia, particularly when Celestia is the interested party, is my freaking jam.
But my obvious bias aside, the concept for this was cool as hell, and the execution was refreshing and interesting. The Angels of the Virtues as old friends, occaisonally sweet, sometimes annoying, and always very pony (by which I mean, of course, human) is inspired. Their characters are feel fleshed out and fully realised, which is doubly impressive given how little time we spend with each.
Celestia's characterisation flows with a naturalness I rarely see in stories that stick so close to her canon personality (that is, without any of the lovely lovely fanon we have lovingly built over the years), with both that kindly motherly quality and the mischievousness that were so prevalent in early seasons. Her hesitation over Twilight is adorable and also, as previously stated, my jam, and the ending is hopeful and satisfying while remaining open ended.
If I had been here early enough to vote, I think this would have been a top contender for me.
I am and always will be a sucker for Celestia fics. Slightly less well known is that well done Twilestia, particularly when Celestia is the interested party, is my freaking jam.
But my obvious bias aside, the concept for this was cool as hell, and the execution was refreshing and interesting. The Angels of the Virtues as old friends, occaisonally sweet, sometimes annoying, and always very pony (by which I mean, of course, human) is inspired. Their characters are feel fleshed out and fully realised, which is doubly impressive given how little time we spend with each.
Celestia's characterisation flows with a naturalness I rarely see in stories that stick so close to her canon personality (that is, without any of the lovely lovely fanon we have lovingly built over the years), with both that kindly motherly quality and the mischievousness that were so prevalent in early seasons. Her hesitation over Twilight is adorable and also, as previously stated, my jam, and the ending is hopeful and satisfying while remaining open ended.
If I had been here early enough to vote, I think this would have been a top contender for me.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!! I'm happy you liked it, even though we might have to disagree with how good the ending was. :P
>>Baal Bunny
Ah, I getcha! Yeah, I know what you mean; I stopped submitting guessing slates because no matter how sure I am of who wrote something, I'm always wrong every time.
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!! I'm happy you liked it, even though we might have to disagree with how good the ending was. :P
>>Baal Bunny
Ah, I getcha! Yeah, I know what you mean; I stopped submitting guessing slates because no matter how sure I am of who wrote something, I'm always wrong every time.
The vector work here is really sharp and show-consistent. If this is your own work, Artist, kudos! If it’s generated, then I thank you for contributing an illustration and having good taste.
Thanks for illustrating my story, Artist!
I don’t know the Dark Souls symbolism and so can’t comment on it much. On the surface of the sun, it seems you’re going for a primitive style with the varied flame strokes. I think this could be improved if the strokes were more flowing / harmoniously arranged. I know the drawing program you used can do smooth flowing strokes, as the star trails in the sky are nicely serpentine. It may just be a matter of practicing with the tools.
I’ll adopt what the others have said about the proportions of Celestia’s head, with the observation that working on drawing smoother lines and enlarging her horn would really help things to come together. Note that the shapes of her head are well executed.
It’s clear that you have talent, Artist, and I hope to see more of your work in the coming rounds.
I don’t know the Dark Souls symbolism and so can’t comment on it much. On the surface of the sun, it seems you’re going for a primitive style with the varied flame strokes. I think this could be improved if the strokes were more flowing / harmoniously arranged. I know the drawing program you used can do smooth flowing strokes, as the star trails in the sky are nicely serpentine. It may just be a matter of practicing with the tools.
I’ll adopt what the others have said about the proportions of Celestia’s head, with the observation that working on drawing smoother lines and enlarging her horn would really help things to come together. Note that the shapes of her head are well executed.
It’s clear that you have talent, Artist, and I hope to see more of your work in the coming rounds.
>>TerrusStokkr
Ah, I see! I know next to nothing about Dark Souls, so it kinda went straight over my head. :P
Ah, I see! I know next to nothing about Dark Souls, so it kinda went straight over my head. :P
A broad gauge assemblage. I have a feeling that you will understand, Artist, when I say that openly blase salads confound retrieval of less than twenty disparative quidnuncs. The mighty eyes will suspect the avuncular cacophony, but even then one may stretch too many oyster shells, mayn’t one?
>>Monokeras, >>Bachiavellian, >>TerrusStokkr
τῇ καλλίστῃ
Thanks for the gold and the reviews! This is indeed a photo collage, assembled in Photoshop. I tried to use only objects that weren’t meant as pure decoration (even the apple is probably a paperweight.) I referenced an old bronze diving helmet, knife handles, fireplace pokers, a nozzle, an interesting four-pronged industrial claw, and a fire hydrant wrench. The picture of the sun is from NASA.
>>Monokeras
I copied the title from Wikipedia. I know the Author explicitly tried to keep Discord away from the ship, but I reasoned that it was going to rescue a pretty princess, anyway. It certainly won some gold for me. Excelsior!
τῇ καλλίστῃ
Thanks for the gold and the reviews! This is indeed a photo collage, assembled in Photoshop. I tried to use only objects that weren’t meant as pure decoration (even the apple is probably a paperweight.) I referenced an old bronze diving helmet, knife handles, fireplace pokers, a nozzle, an interesting four-pronged industrial claw, and a fire hydrant wrench. The picture of the sun is from NASA.
>>Monokeras
I copied the title from Wikipedia. I know the Author explicitly tried to keep Discord away from the ship, but I reasoned that it was going to rescue a pretty princess, anyway. It certainly won some gold for me. Excelsior!
>>Bachiavellian, >>TerrusStokkr
…But Not Through Glass
I was hoping but not expecting that someone would get this one. (Where’s Fenton when you need him?) I had to do it, regardless.
When the prompt was selected, it instantly reminded me of Through Birds Through Fire But Not Through Glass, a work by the Surrealist painter Yves Tanguy. My inspiration became shaped by this coincidence.
I went through several different concepts, in decreasing complexity as the deadline loomed, and finally arrived at this piece, which was mostly digitally painted in Photoshop. Tanguy often included an obelisk in his landscapes, and so there is one in mine. Philomena was drawn in Illustrator and merged with the rest of the scene with Photoshop tools.
I was expecting that some author would include a reference to a phoenix, but I couldn’t find one, so I referenced a selection of fics and hoped to muddle through somehow. I apologize for any confusion.
See you all next round!
…But Not Through Glass
I was hoping but not expecting that someone would get this one. (Where’s Fenton when you need him?) I had to do it, regardless.
When the prompt was selected, it instantly reminded me of Through Birds Through Fire But Not Through Glass, a work by the Surrealist painter Yves Tanguy. My inspiration became shaped by this coincidence.
I went through several different concepts, in decreasing complexity as the deadline loomed, and finally arrived at this piece, which was mostly digitally painted in Photoshop. Tanguy often included an obelisk in his landscapes, and so there is one in mine. Philomena was drawn in Illustrator and merged with the rest of the scene with Photoshop tools.
I was expecting that some author would include a reference to a phoenix, but I couldn’t find one, so I referenced a selection of fics and hoped to muddle through somehow. I apologize for any confusion.
See you all next round!
>>Bachiavellian >>TerrusStokkr >>GroaningGreyAgony
Thank you all for the kind words, and also congrats to Groaning for the win!
What happened was, I was reading the writeoff entries one day and was particularly impressed by this one story. It gave me an idea, so I whipped this image up in about a day when I had time off and was bored.
I hate to break it to you, however, but I did not draw it completely from my head, and I hope you didn’t vote it higher based on that — as far as I know, these kinds of images are more or less always based on the show (there are vectors that aren't, but those are usually quite different in style). For the more generic poses, there might even exist ready-made templates, though I prefer to always start from scratch, and draw my own.
However, it’s not just a regular screencap, either:
I’d probably call this something of a composite shot (I hope I’m using the term correctly). What I usually do is I take a few screenshots, for this image I had probably four or five, and draw the vectors I need based on them. I then modify what I’ve drawn to make the image work as a whole (such as the hair and the eyes — in the original screencap the eyes were only partially visible, because of hair), and then just wing it with the rest (in this case; the jacket, which went through a number of revisions).
The colours felt fitting. I wanted them to mirror rain or water, in some way. And yes, he is a little on the skinny side, and it was on purpose, just like the overly long wings.
I’ve been doing these for only a little while and to tell you the truth, I can’t draw to save my life. That's why I use Inkscape: it has an "undo" -button. Anyway, I hope you liked it, nonetheless.
Thank you again!
Thank you all for the kind words, and also congrats to Groaning for the win!
What happened was, I was reading the writeoff entries one day and was particularly impressed by this one story. It gave me an idea, so I whipped this image up in about a day when I had time off and was bored.
I hate to break it to you, however, but I did not draw it completely from my head, and I hope you didn’t vote it higher based on that — as far as I know, these kinds of images are more or less always based on the show (there are vectors that aren't, but those are usually quite different in style). For the more generic poses, there might even exist ready-made templates, though I prefer to always start from scratch, and draw my own.
However, it’s not just a regular screencap, either:
I’d probably call this something of a composite shot (I hope I’m using the term correctly). What I usually do is I take a few screenshots, for this image I had probably four or five, and draw the vectors I need based on them. I then modify what I’ve drawn to make the image work as a whole (such as the hair and the eyes — in the original screencap the eyes were only partially visible, because of hair), and then just wing it with the rest (in this case; the jacket, which went through a number of revisions).
The colours felt fitting. I wanted them to mirror rain or water, in some way. And yes, he is a little on the skinny side, and it was on purpose, just like the overly long wings.
I’ve been doing these for only a little while and to tell you the truth, I can’t draw to save my life. That's why I use Inkscape: it has an "undo" -button. Anyway, I hope you liked it, nonetheless.
Thank you again!
>>TerrusStokkr
>>Baal Bunny
>>Anonymous Potato
>>Anonymous Potato
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Chris
>>Posh
>>Miller Minus
>>Bachiavellian
>>Meridian_Prime
Meridian: Myself, also. I believe I had read nearly every book in the grade school library by the time I hit high school. My first reaction to getting there was to go into the library and wallow. My basement is also full of grand books, of Asimov to Zelany, Galaxy magazines, periodicals that I subscribed to and ones I picked up at garage sales by the box that pre-date me. Think I’ll write a Bradbury Martian story next. (or the Atomic Ernie with his cousins Beta and Alpha Ray series that I've never been able to find again)
Bach: The style may have gone out of date, but I date from the time of that style. :) I think other than style, the only thing I brought along was the title and the spaceship. The original story is waaaay dialogue heavy, and when I re-read it, the words kept bashing me out of my warm bubble. (hence my decision to do this one totally sans dialogue.) I was really wanting to sneak something in about Chrysalis being determined to defeat Celestia (her eternal nemesis) and therefore was determined to bring her back just for that, but I didn’t find a good spot to stick that square peg, so I left it hanging.
Miller: Ahem. Gold is an excellent conductor of heat, which they’re going to need. Perfectly good reason right there, let alone the literary scheming I had planned.
You didn’t know Prometheus was the mortal who stole fire from the gods in Greek mythology? I blame the decline in the US educational system ever since they removed the Latin requirements. Darned kids nowdays.
Posh: To be honest, I used more of Bradbury’s flavor than contents. The idea had been simmering in the back of my head for about ten years, during which I never went back and re-read the story. I read it again before I started writing, and was frankly amazed at how I had to shift gears to make sense of it (which is why I went no-dialogue, as above). And you have to admit, Pinkie using the claw machine was perfect characterization. :)
Chris: Thanks! I really should have put Golden Harvest in there somewhere, I suppose. And I didn’t feel the need to explain why Prometheus was a pony idea too, because a whole giant walloping load of pony history gets cribbed straight from Greek and Romans anyway. I was more worried that people would not twig to the sun having gone out and Celestia traveling there to reignite the pilot light.
Groaning: Yep, and thanks for the link. (the copy I found online stunk. I had to go downstairs and find one of my paper copies in my book collection.)
Potato: Thanks, I try to be educational in everything I do. (Even the naughty bits)
Baal Bunny: Yep, the cosmic waterheater going out and Celestia going to relight the pilot light was something I was a little worried that people would not catch, but I couldn’t find a smooth way to slip that in other than by hints and tips through the text.
Terrus: Bringing the tension up like that was intentional. I needed a crescendo where Good triumphs over Overwhelming Odds and… I didn’t know what I was going to do when I got there. I *did* know I wasn’t going to kill off a character just to kill one like Bradbury did (Hey, I’m Georg, but not Georg RR Martin) so I used it to let Chrysalis have her Shining Moment of Awesome So This Is Why We Brought Her Along. Thankfully, not having an ending planned worked out just fine because I hit that spot and wings popped out, just like it was planned, like playing pool and seeing a ball you didn’t aim at drop into a pocket. I’ll take it! Then the very tail followed so naturally I just kept writing until I smacked into the end… and totally forgot I wanted to use Prometheus there darnit. Yeah, had to do some last-bit editing to move it around, but I’m happy.
(Sorry for taking so long to get my responses here. I blame real world stuff.)
>>Baal Bunny
>>Anonymous Potato
>>Anonymous Potato
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Chris
>>Posh
>>Miller Minus
>>Bachiavellian
>>Meridian_Prime
Meridian: Myself, also. I believe I had read nearly every book in the grade school library by the time I hit high school. My first reaction to getting there was to go into the library and wallow. My basement is also full of grand books, of Asimov to Zelany, Galaxy magazines, periodicals that I subscribed to and ones I picked up at garage sales by the box that pre-date me. Think I’ll write a Bradbury Martian story next. (or the Atomic Ernie with his cousins Beta and Alpha Ray series that I've never been able to find again)
Bach: The style may have gone out of date, but I date from the time of that style. :) I think other than style, the only thing I brought along was the title and the spaceship. The original story is waaaay dialogue heavy, and when I re-read it, the words kept bashing me out of my warm bubble. (hence my decision to do this one totally sans dialogue.) I was really wanting to sneak something in about Chrysalis being determined to defeat Celestia (her eternal nemesis) and therefore was determined to bring her back just for that, but I didn’t find a good spot to stick that square peg, so I left it hanging.
Miller: Ahem. Gold is an excellent conductor of heat, which they’re going to need. Perfectly good reason right there, let alone the literary scheming I had planned.
You didn’t know Prometheus was the mortal who stole fire from the gods in Greek mythology? I blame the decline in the US educational system ever since they removed the Latin requirements. Darned kids nowdays.
Posh: To be honest, I used more of Bradbury’s flavor than contents. The idea had been simmering in the back of my head for about ten years, during which I never went back and re-read the story. I read it again before I started writing, and was frankly amazed at how I had to shift gears to make sense of it (which is why I went no-dialogue, as above). And you have to admit, Pinkie using the claw machine was perfect characterization. :)
Chris: Thanks! I really should have put Golden Harvest in there somewhere, I suppose. And I didn’t feel the need to explain why Prometheus was a pony idea too, because a whole giant walloping load of pony history gets cribbed straight from Greek and Romans anyway. I was more worried that people would not twig to the sun having gone out and Celestia traveling there to reignite the pilot light.
Groaning: Yep, and thanks for the link. (the copy I found online stunk. I had to go downstairs and find one of my paper copies in my book collection.)
Potato: Thanks, I try to be educational in everything I do. (Even the naughty bits)
Baal Bunny: Yep, the cosmic waterheater going out and Celestia going to relight the pilot light was something I was a little worried that people would not catch, but I couldn’t find a smooth way to slip that in other than by hints and tips through the text.
Terrus: Bringing the tension up like that was intentional. I needed a crescendo where Good triumphs over Overwhelming Odds and… I didn’t know what I was going to do when I got there. I *did* know I wasn’t going to kill off a character just to kill one like Bradbury did (Hey, I’m Georg, but not Georg RR Martin) so I used it to let Chrysalis have her Shining Moment of Awesome So This Is Why We Brought Her Along. Thankfully, not having an ending planned worked out just fine because I hit that spot and wings popped out, just like it was planned, like playing pool and seeing a ball you didn’t aim at drop into a pocket. I’ll take it! Then the very tail followed so naturally I just kept writing until I smacked into the end… and totally forgot I wanted to use Prometheus there darnit. Yeah, had to do some last-bit editing to move it around, but I’m happy.
(Sorry for taking so long to get my responses here. I blame real world stuff.)
>>GroaningGreyAgony I *so* much want to use this picture when I eventually publish the story on Fimfiction. (and now I have permission, so YEA!)
>>Pascoite Same thing, more frost, fewer bikinis. Still no Latin. (And he's still awesome)
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
Congratulations to all the winners, and a massive thank you to all the participants; I enjoyed reading all your stories. And of course, thank you all for taking the time to comment!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!
>>TerrusStokkr
Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you enjoyed, although I feel I still have a ways to go as a writer.
>>Miller Minus
I really have no excuse for Shining acting like a dick. I can’t say I know that much about writing, but I feel one of the first aspects anybody should be wondering about their protagonist is: “why should the reader like them”. And I bypassed that like a gibbon. Unacceptable.
Luna’s acting OOC could have been knocked down a peg or two, or at least it could’ve used an explanation. Hindsight and all that. Thanks for the tips!
>>Chris
... I have no excuse for this, either; I agree that his marriage could’ve at least been mentioned. It could’ve doubled as a much needed bit of foreshadowing, even.
As for Luna, I only realized after the fact how over the top her acting was. By then I wasn’t sure how to go about fixing it, without sacrificing the story’s comedic tone, however. I’ll do better next time...I hope.
>>Rao
Nice catch. Pretty much exactly what I intended (though I may have derped with ‘consort’ — I must've thought it sounded better at the time.)
>>Posh
Though I can't excuse her wackiness, while I was still planning this story I had an explanation for why Luna was talking the ol’ timey way. It was supposed to be another one of her ploys to make Shining fall in love with her, like by reciting Shakespearean poetry, for example.
Then sleep happened, and my goldfish’s memory kicked in.
Cadance isn't a blonde.
Speaking of things I forgot about, around an hour after the submissions closed I still couldn’t remember the word “redhead.”
Also, I agree that the foreshadowing was virtually nonexistent here. I’m assuming this was due to my inexperience as a writer; I can’t recall having ever written a story that relied as heavily on its twist before. Now I know better, so thank you!
Incidentally, this is similar conceptually to another story from a writeoff round three years ago, "Concubine." I'm not implying anything untoward, don't get me wrong, but if this was inspired by it, I think that'd be pretty neat.
According to Fimfiction, I have read it, though I have no recollection when that was or what it was like (I’m assuming when they posted it in 2016, and I’ll probably end up rereading it in the future). So this story wasn’t at least consciously inspired by that one.
>>Bachiavellian
I mostly wrote this just for laughs; I wasn’t really putting a lot of thought on logic. You make an important point, however; plausibility is a big thing when it comes to immersion, so maybe it would be best I thought things through in the future. Still, I’m happy you at least got something out of it.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you for your kind words. I’m glad if I did do something correctly here, although a wacky Luna might not have been one of them. I don't think you're the only one who found her unnecessarily overbearing.
Anyway, that almost wraps it up. Thank you all again for reading and commenting. If I could still have a minute of your time, I would like to tip my nonexistent hat one last time:
>>Bachiavellian
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
Happy weekend!
You're really hard on yourself in your self-assessment, and even in your comments.
You wrote a comedy that made a lot of people crack the fuck up, and your reviews are really helpful.
So, be kinder to yourself. Please.
You wrote a comedy that made a lot of people crack the fuck up, and your reviews are really helpful.
So, be kinder to yourself. Please.