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Okay, first of all, you missed an excellent chance to have the antipenultimate paragraph feature the ring snapping shut in a trap and cutting Rarity's leg off. You can't leave that Chekhov's Gun unfired, friend!
...Okay, maybe that wouldn't have been appropriate to the story you're telling.
Maybe.
More seriously: I love the word-fondling going on here, and I suspect a lot of people will, because... well, you're writing for an audience composed almost entirely of writers. So excellent job identifying your audience, first off. I do take exception to the idea that the L in cleanse is in any way a "clickety-clack" consonant, though, and since your audience is, again, composed of writers, describing letters in a way that makes me go "wait, what?" is actually a bigger issue than it probably seems (still a few orders of magnitude short of a story-wrecker, sure, but I'm just saying that "that's not what L sounds like!" isn't as miniscule a complaint as it might seem out of context).
I felt like we lost some of Pinkie's voice at times throughout this story. Now, some of that's expected and even necessary given the content, but I think a few very small tweaks to her... not so much the words, even, as their cadence, to make it match the patterns of her voice a little more closely, would make a big difference.
But that's dwarfed by the things I love about this story. There's the aforementioned word-fondling, for starters. There's the way you deftly faked me into thinking you were writing a shipfic, and then gave me something I didn't even know I wanted, but that it turned out I wanted much more. There's the dry narrative humor you put to use in describing Pinkie, and how you generally manage to write it in such a way that her exuberance and ineffable Pinkie-ness come through without turning your whole setting into a joke. Point is, I found a lot to like in this story, and came away from it with exactly the kind of warm, bubbly feeling that I'm sure you intended.
...Okay, maybe that wouldn't have been appropriate to the story you're telling.
Maybe.
More seriously: I love the word-fondling going on here, and I suspect a lot of people will, because... well, you're writing for an audience composed almost entirely of writers. So excellent job identifying your audience, first off. I do take exception to the idea that the L in cleanse is in any way a "clickety-clack" consonant, though, and since your audience is, again, composed of writers, describing letters in a way that makes me go "wait, what?" is actually a bigger issue than it probably seems (still a few orders of magnitude short of a story-wrecker, sure, but I'm just saying that "that's not what L sounds like!" isn't as miniscule a complaint as it might seem out of context).
I felt like we lost some of Pinkie's voice at times throughout this story. Now, some of that's expected and even necessary given the content, but I think a few very small tweaks to her... not so much the words, even, as their cadence, to make it match the patterns of her voice a little more closely, would make a big difference.
But that's dwarfed by the things I love about this story. There's the aforementioned word-fondling, for starters. There's the way you deftly faked me into thinking you were writing a shipfic, and then gave me something I didn't even know I wanted, but that it turned out I wanted much more. There's the dry narrative humor you put to use in describing Pinkie, and how you generally manage to write it in such a way that her exuberance and ineffable Pinkie-ness come through without turning your whole setting into a joke. Point is, I found a lot to like in this story, and came away from it with exactly the kind of warm, bubbly feeling that I'm sure you intended.
Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this story. I think most of it came from the points that Chris made, that being that Pinkie lost her voice through the story. I like that concept that Pinkie can't be cheery all the time, but she is very emotional. If she isn't cheery, then it is very noticeable. Whether it be from her words or facial expressions. Pinkie wears her heart on her sleeve, so it is easy to tell how she feels about something.
Other than that, I do like you chose Rarity as the character that gets to see this side of Pinkie Pie. Rarity is a drama queen, but she knows the struggles of having to look like that you know what you are doing. In a sense, Rarity and Pinkie both wear a mask. Rarity is fine with taking it off, but Pinkie isn't. Truthfully, Rarity would be the only character to understand what Pinkie is going through. This left me with a bittersweet feeling. Mostly due to that I have been in Rarity's position., so it hit close to home.
Other than that, I do like you chose Rarity as the character that gets to see this side of Pinkie Pie. Rarity is a drama queen, but she knows the struggles of having to look like that you know what you are doing. In a sense, Rarity and Pinkie both wear a mask. Rarity is fine with taking it off, but Pinkie isn't. Truthfully, Rarity would be the only character to understand what Pinkie is going through. This left me with a bittersweet feeling. Mostly due to that I have been in Rarity's position., so it hit close to home.
Damn, son. That third-person Rarity-voice is so on-point it's insane. That's gonna carry this story super well in my ballot, let me tell you.
But story-wise I'm a little concerned. What's with this ring? When you dissect its journey throughout the story, it's really bizarre, and I don't understand Pinkie's obsession with it. Does it even have to be there at all? It honestly feels like a distraction, and I was legitimately worried that you were going to end this with an actual marriage proposal after having zero romance between these two leading up to it. I mean, I'm glad you didn't, but then what was the point?
In terms of others' struggles with Pinkie's voice in the boutique scenes--I think this is easily fixed. Make Rarity find it weird too. If you had her stutter the first time Pinkie starts talking about linguistics, and mention a couple more times that "she doesn't sound like herself when she's around me" I expect would get everyone on board, and the reveal will even be that little bit better. Because the story isn't about this ring it's about What's Eating Pinkie Pie?
That's it. Lovely work. Thanks for writing!
But story-wise I'm a little concerned. What's with this ring? When you dissect its journey throughout the story, it's really bizarre, and I don't understand Pinkie's obsession with it. Does it even have to be there at all? It honestly feels like a distraction, and I was legitimately worried that you were going to end this with an actual marriage proposal after having zero romance between these two leading up to it. I mean, I'm glad you didn't, but then what was the point?
In terms of others' struggles with Pinkie's voice in the boutique scenes--I think this is easily fixed. Make Rarity find it weird too. If you had her stutter the first time Pinkie starts talking about linguistics, and mention a couple more times that "she doesn't sound like herself when she's around me" I expect would get everyone on board, and the reveal will even be that little bit better. Because the story isn't about this ring it's about What's Eating Pinkie Pie?
That's it. Lovely work. Thanks for writing!
I spent a good deal of time contemplating this story after my initial read. It's got a lot of elements that I enjoy in my ponyfic. I think the characters are generally on point; I think their dialogue is witty and intelligent. Everyone that's in here seems to have a role that suits them, even the ones with relatively minor contributions. I really liked Glimmer and Twigger and their little exchange, especially.
And while I see a lot of criticism of Pinkie's dialogue and voice... I disagree. Even when she's not an eldritch bounce-goddess, no part of her dialogue or her character feels less than true to herself. And I think there's enough precedent in the ponyfic community, and in the fandom, for us to accept a slightly depressed Pink-Ponk who needs to turn off the party now and again as a valid interpretation of the character.
(The focus on phonetics and linguistics and etymology, I'm not too sold on; that doesn't feel entirely authentic, but Pinkie herself is characterized well.)
With all that said, it still didn't land with me.
The scenario with the ring struck me as needlessly complicated, and it took me a couple of reads (and an exchange in the writeoff discord) to really grasp how that worked in the story. When I'd finally put it all together, I was just left baffled. So, Pinkie was inspired to do something nice for Rarity (by a comment which Pinkie made about rings and forelegs), but rather than give her the gift directly, she left it in a spot where Rarity was likely to stumble upon it. Then, when Rarity turned it in to the lost-and-found, which is something that never actually came up in the story (so how did Pinkie know where it was?), she broke into the castle, stole it from the box, and left it in yet another spot where Rarity would find it. At no point did she just... give her the ring, tell her she wanted to do something nice for her, and why.
And on a sidenote, it's weird to me that, in a story about how Pinkie feels she can only be authentic around Rarity... Pinkie needs to be cornered before she's honest with her about her intentions.
Am I missing something? Did I misread the story? Tell me; I want to know if I did. I feel like I did, and that there's some very obvious bit that I've just overlooked.
A lesser issue I had was with the story's structure. The author skimmed over a lot of less important scenes, or rushed transitions, in order to keep the focus on the most important beats in the story. In a contest where we need to be economical with our word use, I think that's a smart move, because it allowed them to focus on the more crucial stuff without wasting time on minutiae. So, stuff like Rarity finding and returning the ring to the castle before the dialogue scene with Glimmy and Twiggy with only two sentences of transition and zero scene break... works.
On the other hand, I think there's a missed opportunity here. This story argues that Pinkie has to present facades, even around her friends, and that it's only in Rarity's company that she feels free to be herself. But we don't see how Pinkie behaves in these social situations; the audience is largely left to infer based on our knowledge of how she acts in the show.
It would, however, help us more if we saw that contrast firsthand, between the more languorous and thoughtful Pinkie in the Rarity scenes, and party girl persona. Develop those scenes beyond mere summary.
Overall, a decent character piece that could be great.
And while I see a lot of criticism of Pinkie's dialogue and voice... I disagree. Even when she's not an eldritch bounce-goddess, no part of her dialogue or her character feels less than true to herself. And I think there's enough precedent in the ponyfic community, and in the fandom, for us to accept a slightly depressed Pink-Ponk who needs to turn off the party now and again as a valid interpretation of the character.
(The focus on phonetics and linguistics and etymology, I'm not too sold on; that doesn't feel entirely authentic, but Pinkie herself is characterized well.)
With all that said, it still didn't land with me.
The scenario with the ring struck me as needlessly complicated, and it took me a couple of reads (and an exchange in the writeoff discord) to really grasp how that worked in the story. When I'd finally put it all together, I was just left baffled. So, Pinkie was inspired to do something nice for Rarity (by a comment which Pinkie made about rings and forelegs), but rather than give her the gift directly, she left it in a spot where Rarity was likely to stumble upon it. Then, when Rarity turned it in to the lost-and-found, which is something that never actually came up in the story (so how did Pinkie know where it was?), she broke into the castle, stole it from the box, and left it in yet another spot where Rarity would find it. At no point did she just... give her the ring, tell her she wanted to do something nice for her, and why.
And on a sidenote, it's weird to me that, in a story about how Pinkie feels she can only be authentic around Rarity... Pinkie needs to be cornered before she's honest with her about her intentions.
Am I missing something? Did I misread the story? Tell me; I want to know if I did. I feel like I did, and that there's some very obvious bit that I've just overlooked.
A lesser issue I had was with the story's structure. The author skimmed over a lot of less important scenes, or rushed transitions, in order to keep the focus on the most important beats in the story. In a contest where we need to be economical with our word use, I think that's a smart move, because it allowed them to focus on the more crucial stuff without wasting time on minutiae. So, stuff like Rarity finding and returning the ring to the castle before the dialogue scene with Glimmy and Twiggy with only two sentences of transition and zero scene break... works.
On the other hand, I think there's a missed opportunity here. This story argues that Pinkie has to present facades, even around her friends, and that it's only in Rarity's company that she feels free to be herself. But we don't see how Pinkie behaves in these social situations; the audience is largely left to infer based on our knowledge of how she acts in the show.
It would, however, help us more if we saw that contrast firsthand, between the more languorous and thoughtful Pinkie in the Rarity scenes, and party girl persona. Develop those scenes beyond mere summary.
Overall, a decent character piece that could be great.
Okay, so you can go ahead and place me firmly in the camp of "loved it" when it comes to that wordplay bit in the beginning. And really, I'm loving all of the voicing here as well. Pretty much everyone gets the chance to really pop, outside of maaaaaybe Twilight. But really, even Twilight is excellent, which goes to show just how fantastic everyone else feels.
Now, I'll have to be honest and say that in terms of plot, it does feel just a tad like we're going in circles. We spend a lot of time with the ring, and I can't help but feel that in the end, it didn't really warrant that level of attention. What's a lot more interesting to me personally, is getting to learn more about Pinkie and what makes her shy enough to not want to give the ring to Rarity directly. I mean, you can definitely use the ring as a framing device, but right now the way things are set up, it looks to the reader to be the #Main_Point aof the story, and it's a bit confusing when it turns out that it isn't.
In short, I think Pinkie needs another helping or two of screen time—this story is about her, after all. Giving how strongly all the characters are voiced, I really feel like you've got the toolkit to really do some work with Pinkie, but IMO you might want to take a step or two away from the mystery elements, which are really taking up a lot of the reader's emotional investment right now.
But, I'm still rating this one pretty darn highly.
Now, I'll have to be honest and say that in terms of plot, it does feel just a tad like we're going in circles. We spend a lot of time with the ring, and I can't help but feel that in the end, it didn't really warrant that level of attention. What's a lot more interesting to me personally, is getting to learn more about Pinkie and what makes her shy enough to not want to give the ring to Rarity directly. I mean, you can definitely use the ring as a framing device, but right now the way things are set up, it looks to the reader to be the #Main_Point aof the story, and it's a bit confusing when it turns out that it isn't.
In short, I think Pinkie needs another helping or two of screen time—this story is about her, after all. Giving how strongly all the characters are voiced, I really feel like you've got the toolkit to really do some work with Pinkie, but IMO you might want to take a step or two away from the mystery elements, which are really taking up a lot of the reader's emotional investment right now.
But, I'm still rating this one pretty darn highly.
I haven't looked at the others' reviews, so I don't know if they caught what I missed. But here we go:
The narrative voice here is good. The prose I found quirky, creative, and original. Good job. Story-wise, I like the idea of Pinkie running the risk of burning-out (fits with her saying she's constantly on fire. Very nice), and the word-plays worked quite well with that. Your portrayal of the characters is pretty spot-on too (I particularly liked the dry humor of Starlight).
Now, I'm still an amateur writer (and a reader, for that matter), so I'm fairly certain I missed something important here, however, I found the entire point of the ring a little questionable. I'll try to explain my thoughts as clearly as possible:
I'm assuming Pinkie got the ring because of the idea of the token, and the wordplay. I also got the idea that she runs out at the start because she feels she messed up (the ‘propose’ word-play). But she then gets the ring back after leaving it behind - on purpose, or not - for a reason that I don't know, and does the same thing again.
First of all, why was the ring important, since Pinkie was not actually proposing? If the ring was just for the wordplay, why did she keep getting it back? If Pinkie didn't realize the wordplay would give the wrong idea, why did she storm off? I suppose you could peg most of that as Pinkie just being Pinkie, and not knowing what to do when she makes a mistake, but to me, that only comes to mind retroactively (it’s not clarified what Pinkie feels she ‘messed up’.) A character making mistakes is fine, if not great even, in terms of narrative, but I wish it'd been explained somewhere, because it didn’t come instinctively to me.
Secondly: why was the sizing enchantment important? The ring, I felt, was already unique enough. It even ties in with Rarity somewhat (her knowing gems and all, though I wouldn't call her a jeweler) - was there a reason here that I missed? Furthermore, I don’t understand how the ring ties into Pinkie? I had thought that if she were to give someone such a token, it'd be something more along the lines of quirky, maybe party-related. (There could naturally be several reasons for this, but I'd appreciate clarification or explanation.)
Lastly, I think the only reason, that is given to the reader, how Rarity knew the ring was Pinkie's is the wordplay - and possibly that it keeps getting lost - which seems a little far-fetched to me, considering she found the ring the first two times by happenstance (if I understood at least that correctly).
Somebody will no doubt correct me on these, so I'm sorry I didn't get what you were going for here. I’m sorry, but if I don’t ask these questions, I’ll never learn.
I enjoyed this story greatly, nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong; any sort of nitpick I had was solely to point out the parts that I felt could use a little clarifying, to make the story even greater. This was really good.
Thank you so much for writing. Have a great weekend!
The narrative voice here is good. The prose I found quirky, creative, and original. Good job. Story-wise, I like the idea of Pinkie running the risk of burning-out (fits with her saying she's constantly on fire. Very nice), and the word-plays worked quite well with that. Your portrayal of the characters is pretty spot-on too (I particularly liked the dry humor of Starlight).
Now, I'm still an amateur writer (and a reader, for that matter), so I'm fairly certain I missed something important here, however, I found the entire point of the ring a little questionable. I'll try to explain my thoughts as clearly as possible:
I'm assuming Pinkie got the ring because of the idea of the token, and the wordplay. I also got the idea that she runs out at the start because she feels she messed up (the ‘propose’ word-play). But she then gets the ring back after leaving it behind - on purpose, or not - for a reason that I don't know, and does the same thing again.
First of all, why was the ring important, since Pinkie was not actually proposing? If the ring was just for the wordplay, why did she keep getting it back? If Pinkie didn't realize the wordplay would give the wrong idea, why did she storm off? I suppose you could peg most of that as Pinkie just being Pinkie, and not knowing what to do when she makes a mistake, but to me, that only comes to mind retroactively (it’s not clarified what Pinkie feels she ‘messed up’.) A character making mistakes is fine, if not great even, in terms of narrative, but I wish it'd been explained somewhere, because it didn’t come instinctively to me.
Secondly: why was the sizing enchantment important? The ring, I felt, was already unique enough. It even ties in with Rarity somewhat (her knowing gems and all, though I wouldn't call her a jeweler) - was there a reason here that I missed? Furthermore, I don’t understand how the ring ties into Pinkie? I had thought that if she were to give someone such a token, it'd be something more along the lines of quirky, maybe party-related. (There could naturally be several reasons for this, but I'd appreciate clarification or explanation.)
Lastly, I think the only reason, that is given to the reader, how Rarity knew the ring was Pinkie's is the wordplay - and possibly that it keeps getting lost - which seems a little far-fetched to me, considering she found the ring the first two times by happenstance (if I understood at least that correctly).
Somebody will no doubt correct me on these, so I'm sorry I didn't get what you were going for here. I’m sorry, but if I don’t ask these questions, I’ll never learn.
I enjoyed this story greatly, nonetheless. Don’t get me wrong; any sort of nitpick I had was solely to point out the parts that I felt could use a little clarifying, to make the story even greater. This was really good.
Thank you so much for writing. Have a great weekend!
Again:
Here I am agreeing with everyone. Have Pinkie be more Pinkie in the scenes outside the Boutique, author, have Rarity wonder why Pinkie is so sedate when they're alone together, and make the ring a proper MacGuffin--something that drives the plot but isn't really integral to the story that develops. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
Here I am agreeing with everyone. Have Pinkie be more Pinkie in the scenes outside the Boutique, author, have Rarity wonder why Pinkie is so sedate when they're alone together, and make the ring a proper MacGuffin--something that drives the plot but isn't really integral to the story that develops. Stuff like that. :)
Mike
>>Chris
>>TerrusStokkr
>>Miller Minus
>>Posh
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to comment on every story--the San Diego Comic-Con was this week, and I've been going since the early 1980s--but I did read 'em all to make sure I could produce an informed ballot. It was a good group all the way around!
As for my story here, the prompt brought me the immediate image of Pinkamina in all her psychotic glory ranting about how Equestria must be cleansed through fire, but I wasn't at all interested in writing that. Taking a step back, though, led me to think about Pinkie and wonder if maybe Pinkie's every bit as introverted as her twin sister Marble but that she's learned how to play the part of an extrovert since she's so driven to give parties. I know that in my case, I need to be alone to recharge after I've been playing the extrovert, so how would Pinkie go about doing that?
Word games with Rarity, of course, and from there, the first draft flowed pretty straightforwardly. It needs fleshing out as folks pointed out, and I'll be doing that this next week, I think. I might also wanna commission some cover art--there aren't a lot of pictures out there of Rarity and Pinkie together...
Oh, and "cleanse" starts with the same two letters as both "clickety" and "clack," hence Pinkie's description. I can have Rarity express some reservations about it, though. More conflict for the scene!
Mike
>>TerrusStokkr
>>Miller Minus
>>Posh
>>Bachiavellian
>>Anonymous Potato
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to comment on every story--the San Diego Comic-Con was this week, and I've been going since the early 1980s--but I did read 'em all to make sure I could produce an informed ballot. It was a good group all the way around!
As for my story here, the prompt brought me the immediate image of Pinkamina in all her psychotic glory ranting about how Equestria must be cleansed through fire, but I wasn't at all interested in writing that. Taking a step back, though, led me to think about Pinkie and wonder if maybe Pinkie's every bit as introverted as her twin sister Marble but that she's learned how to play the part of an extrovert since she's so driven to give parties. I know that in my case, I need to be alone to recharge after I've been playing the extrovert, so how would Pinkie go about doing that?
Word games with Rarity, of course, and from there, the first draft flowed pretty straightforwardly. It needs fleshing out as folks pointed out, and I'll be doing that this next week, I think. I might also wanna commission some cover art--there aren't a lot of pictures out there of Rarity and Pinkie together...
Oh, and "cleanse" starts with the same two letters as both "clickety" and "clack," hence Pinkie's description. I can have Rarity express some reservations about it, though. More conflict for the scene!
Mike
This is a delightful story. Rich and verbose and weird in all the best ways. Rarity and Pinkie just ooze character all over the place. I honestly don't have any criticisms; I think you hit exactly the note you wanted to with this. Good job.