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Protagonist Syndrome
Lyra Heartstrings was rather bemused when she found a pony hammering at her parent’s front door.
“Lyra!” Moon Dancer roared, bangging her hooves against the painted wood. “Get out here! I need your help right now!”
Lyra considered turning and trotting in the opposite direction. She’d picked up the habit of pretending not to be home when angry fillies came calling in college. Still, it was Moon Dancer, and while high strung, she usually knew a crisis from a bunny stampede. It had to be something serious.
“Hi Moon Dancer,” Lyra called out, cantering over. “You know I moved, right?”
“Lyra!” Moon Dancer rushed over. “Where were you, you won't–” She paused, her eyebrows knitting. “Wait, you moved? When?”
“Two years ago.”
Her frown deepened. “That can’t be right, I saw you last week... Wait, this isn’t important. I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn and I have no idea how to deal with it! Come on!” She dragged Lyra through Canterlot’s twisting streets.
“Oh!” Lyra smiled, sudden understanding washing over her. “So you’ve caught Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome, interesting.”
Moon Dancer stumbled. “Caught what?” she demanded, rounding on Lyra.
“Protagonist Syndrome. I discovered it in college.”
“You majored in bardic knowledge,” Moon Dancer pointed out. “If you can call that a major. Look, if we’re going to go off on one of your wild theories talk and trot.” She set off at a run.
Lyra stuck her tongue out, jogging to catch up. “Love you too, Moonie. But seriously, it's an observable phenomenon. Weird stuff just happens when you’re around Twilight Sparkle. Look at Ponyville, I moved there to find somewhere quiet to work on my music. In six months a dark alicorn attacked, we were visited by a star bear and don’t get me started on the whole superhero thing.”
“Is this really relevant?” Moon Dancer grumbled, breathing hard as they raced through the streets. “Twilight’s always been special, it makes sense that she end up somewhere interesting and with more interesting friends.” She failed to hide the note of bitterness.
“Ah ha! That’s just the point,” Lyra continued. “When she made friends with the Element Bearers they were just ordinary mares, now they’re globe trotting celebrities. Something changed, and some may say it's destiny or the Elements but I know better. I didn’t study epic poems for two years for nothing after all!”
“That was a six month course.”
Lyra ignored her. “The answer, you see, is that they’ve all become protagonists and it's still spreading.”
“What are you talking about?” she Moon Dancer demanded, skidding to a halt. “Protagonists are literary devices that forward a narrative. The world does not work that way. Magic does not run off literary tropes.”
“So what does it run off?”
Moon Dancer’s eye twitched. “Lyra, I don’t have time for this. I have two crazy beings on my front step and I need help getting rid of them. Can you please act like the perfectly normal mare I know you are for just five minutes?”
“You do know I was once mind-controlled into kidnapping a princess, right?”
“Please?” she dropped to her knees. “Just be normal. I can’t handle these crazies on my own.”
Lyra sighed. “Okay, fine. I reserve the right to say I told you so. You can’t escape once you’re a protagonist.”
A moment later they rounded the corner. Stood on the lawn of Moon Dancer’s house was a pony wearing a pith helmet that had an alarming resemblance to Daring Do, right down to the cutie-mark. She was stood next to a bipedal cat-like creature that was wearing a long, flowing silk robe.
“There you are!” Daring exclaimed, hurrying over. “Is this the friend you said you had to get? Princess Felidae and I can’t afford to wait around, I don’t like to use the phrase ‘Fate of Equestria’ often but we really need your help.”
“See?” Moon Dancer hissed. “They’re convinced they’re the real deal. What do I do?”
Lyra looked between her and Daring Do. “Follow my lead,” she muttered back.
“Yes she is!” Lyra exclaimed. “My child prodigy, university researcher friend is ready to help you with your quest to distant climes and save the world. Let me just grab my secret agent fillyfriend while you’re getting ready and we’ll be off.”
Moon Dancer spluttered something incoherent about traitors. Daring Do just cocked her head.
“And who are you?”
“Lyra Heartstrings.” She beamed. “I’m the bard.”
“Lyra!” Moon Dancer roared, bangging her hooves against the painted wood. “Get out here! I need your help right now!”
Lyra considered turning and trotting in the opposite direction. She’d picked up the habit of pretending not to be home when angry fillies came calling in college. Still, it was Moon Dancer, and while high strung, she usually knew a crisis from a bunny stampede. It had to be something serious.
“Hi Moon Dancer,” Lyra called out, cantering over. “You know I moved, right?”
“Lyra!” Moon Dancer rushed over. “Where were you, you won't–” She paused, her eyebrows knitting. “Wait, you moved? When?”
“Two years ago.”
Her frown deepened. “That can’t be right, I saw you last week... Wait, this isn’t important. I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn and I have no idea how to deal with it! Come on!” She dragged Lyra through Canterlot’s twisting streets.
“Oh!” Lyra smiled, sudden understanding washing over her. “So you’ve caught Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome, interesting.”
Moon Dancer stumbled. “Caught what?” she demanded, rounding on Lyra.
“Protagonist Syndrome. I discovered it in college.”
“You majored in bardic knowledge,” Moon Dancer pointed out. “If you can call that a major. Look, if we’re going to go off on one of your wild theories talk and trot.” She set off at a run.
Lyra stuck her tongue out, jogging to catch up. “Love you too, Moonie. But seriously, it's an observable phenomenon. Weird stuff just happens when you’re around Twilight Sparkle. Look at Ponyville, I moved there to find somewhere quiet to work on my music. In six months a dark alicorn attacked, we were visited by a star bear and don’t get me started on the whole superhero thing.”
“Is this really relevant?” Moon Dancer grumbled, breathing hard as they raced through the streets. “Twilight’s always been special, it makes sense that she end up somewhere interesting and with more interesting friends.” She failed to hide the note of bitterness.
“Ah ha! That’s just the point,” Lyra continued. “When she made friends with the Element Bearers they were just ordinary mares, now they’re globe trotting celebrities. Something changed, and some may say it's destiny or the Elements but I know better. I didn’t study epic poems for two years for nothing after all!”
“That was a six month course.”
Lyra ignored her. “The answer, you see, is that they’ve all become protagonists and it's still spreading.”
“What are you talking about?” she Moon Dancer demanded, skidding to a halt. “Protagonists are literary devices that forward a narrative. The world does not work that way. Magic does not run off literary tropes.”
“So what does it run off?”
Moon Dancer’s eye twitched. “Lyra, I don’t have time for this. I have two crazy beings on my front step and I need help getting rid of them. Can you please act like the perfectly normal mare I know you are for just five minutes?”
“You do know I was once mind-controlled into kidnapping a princess, right?”
“Please?” she dropped to her knees. “Just be normal. I can’t handle these crazies on my own.”
Lyra sighed. “Okay, fine. I reserve the right to say I told you so. You can’t escape once you’re a protagonist.”
A moment later they rounded the corner. Stood on the lawn of Moon Dancer’s house was a pony wearing a pith helmet that had an alarming resemblance to Daring Do, right down to the cutie-mark. She was stood next to a bipedal cat-like creature that was wearing a long, flowing silk robe.
“There you are!” Daring exclaimed, hurrying over. “Is this the friend you said you had to get? Princess Felidae and I can’t afford to wait around, I don’t like to use the phrase ‘Fate of Equestria’ often but we really need your help.”
“See?” Moon Dancer hissed. “They’re convinced they’re the real deal. What do I do?”
Lyra looked between her and Daring Do. “Follow my lead,” she muttered back.
“Yes she is!” Lyra exclaimed. “My child prodigy, university researcher friend is ready to help you with your quest to distant climes and save the world. Let me just grab my secret agent fillyfriend while you’re getting ready and we’ll be off.”
Moon Dancer spluttered something incoherent about traitors. Daring Do just cocked her head.
“And who are you?”
“Lyra Heartstrings.” She beamed. “I’m the bard.”
A. Freaking Mazing. I love everything about this, from Lyra and Moondancer riffing off of one another to the metafictional aspects to how the ending is both satisfying yet presents the potential for expansion. Thank you for this.
The first entry I read and it's already a good one.
I was afraid when I read 'Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome' but there isn't any major 4th wall break and you kept it just the way I like it, subtle and believable.
However, there is one thing I don't understand. Daring Do says "Is this the friend you said you had to get?", and I was thinking she was asking Moon Dancer, who had left her to find Lyra, but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!". I'm confused. So if anyone know the answer, please share it.
Moreover, I disagree with >>FanOfMostEverything, I don't find the ending satisfying. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just that it feels unresolved, like it lacks something.
A good one nonetheless.
I was afraid when I read 'Twilight’s Protagonist Syndrome' but there isn't any major 4th wall break and you kept it just the way I like it, subtle and believable.
However, there is one thing I don't understand. Daring Do says "Is this the friend you said you had to get?", and I was thinking she was asking Moon Dancer, who had left her to find Lyra, but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!". I'm confused. So if anyone know the answer, please share it.
Moreover, I disagree with >>FanOfMostEverything, I don't find the ending satisfying. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, it's just that it feels unresolved, like it lacks something.
A good one nonetheless.
I like the concept a lot. I feel like it hasn't really been realized, though. We've just gotten an info-dump from Lyra, and Lyra inviting herself along on an unspecified adventure. It makes me wonder why Moon Dancer is even there at all, except I guess as somepony for Lyra to tell all this to. I can't exactly put my finger on how you'd fix that, but it just feels (perhaps ironically) like Moon Dancer is a bit of a background pony in her own story here.
I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn
das raciz
But seriously, this is how you make a well-rounded story with a clear beginning, middle, and end that's both satisfying on its own while still hinting at a larger story being told.
This was great, is really all I have to say. If I had to criticise something, I somewhat agree with Fenton, in that the ending could have packed a bit more of a punch, but at least ends on a lighter note. Plus, while the story is benefitted from being told from Lyra's POV, I really wish we could have gotten a better glimpse at what was going through Moon Dancer's mind.
Other than that, though. Stellar work.
>>Fenton
but then we have Lyra who replies "Yes she is!".
Trixie isn't the only one who speaks in third person.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Oooh. That's clearer now (the rain is gone dumdumdum). Still surprising coming from Lyra, I'm not used to see her written like that.
Trixie isn't the only one who speaks in third person.
Oooh. That's clearer now (the rain is gone dumdumdum). Still surprising coming from Lyra, I'm not used to see her written like that.
Comedy is hard to do well, which is why this one scores major points in my book. Not that I'm an expert, but I know when I'm laughing. The concept of strange, subtle magical systems explaining the show's plot lines is reminiscent of Horizon's "Versebreakers" stories, and I would like to see people attempt this more often.
My only big quibble is with the ending. Endings to comedies must of course be punchlines, but this one's final line is a non sequitur. Adventure stories are my other favorite genre, and in no case is there ever a bard. Bardic adventurers were an invention of tabletop games, as far as I know.
My only big quibble is with the ending. Endings to comedies must of course be punchlines, but this one's final line is a non sequitur. Adventure stories are my other favorite genre, and in no case is there ever a bard. Bardic adventurers were an invention of tabletop games, as far as I know.
I am really a sucker for stories that make the sometimes inconsistent narrative and world building of our favorite show make sense. Not only did you explain magic, but gave rules for the sometimes absurd events that make you put your mind in pretzels to explain it consistently as if it took place in a real world. I think you got the voice for both Moon Dancer and Lyra exactly right.
I liked it a lot.
I didn't get the reference in this sentence
I liked it a lot.
I didn't get the reference in this sentence
“You do know I was once mind-controlled into kidnapping a princess, right?”but I am guessing it is from one of the chapter books.
>>scifipony
Rewatch the canterlot wedding, Twilight and Cadance 'fight' the bridemaids and one of them is Lyra. That line implies that she had taken part in kidnapping Cadence to replace her with the Changeling Queen.
Rewatch the canterlot wedding, Twilight and Cadance 'fight' the bridemaids and one of them is Lyra. That line implies that she had taken part in kidnapping Cadence to replace her with the Changeling Queen.
Hmm... This is an odd one, as there's some great set-up, and there's some great punchline, but the two don't line up in my head. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the "we're in a story" form of magic... my own profile on fimfic lists "Narrative Concidence" as one of the few things I believe in. But that premise at the start isn't woven tightly enough into the "I'm a bard" thing at the end. There's a hint or two, on re-read, but 750 words means you have to be pretty single-minded in narrative, and this meanders more than it should.
Of course, the OTHER thing my profile says I believe in is the Oxford Comma, which is missing here:
I'm not just trying to be pedantic, but I genuinely read that as a cat and a pony arguing about which of them was really Daring Do. It completely threw me when they got to the lawn and that wasn't what was happening.
Overall, I still think it's pretty strong, but mostly in concept, with execution being the weak point. Metafiction needs to be really strong to not come off as cheesy, and this could get there, but it's not there yet.
Of course, the OTHER thing my profile says I believe in is the Oxford Comma, which is missing here:
I’ve got a cat and a pony claiming to be Daring Do on my lawn...
I'm not just trying to be pedantic, but I genuinely read that as a cat and a pony arguing about which of them was really Daring Do. It completely threw me when they got to the lawn and that wasn't what was happening.
Overall, I still think it's pretty strong, but mostly in concept, with execution being the weak point. Metafiction needs to be really strong to not come off as cheesy, and this could get there, but it's not there yet.
Unlike dear >>Xepher, I think it is there, but only because I'm looking at this less like metafiction and more like a D&D campaign. As Lyra says? She's the bard. The spoony bard, it would seem. Well aware of roleplaying tropes and all ready to meet them. Moondancer the wizard, Lyra the Bard, Bon-Bon the Rogue, which leaves Felidae to be our Cleric and Daring to be another rogue, I suppose. That's the only flaw here! You never want two of the same class in the party!
Lyra ought to be fetching Fluttershy. A druid would be far more helpful, doncha know.
Lyra ought to be fetching Fluttershy. A druid would be far more helpful, doncha know.
>>Morning Sun
Daring could also be classed as a dex Fighter, which I personally think would fit her better than rogue. Maybe battle master?
Anyways, in regards to the story.
I also looked at this from a DnD perspective, mostly because I am a big fan of bards and thus the word bard springs DnD to mind first. I actually kinda guessed where this was going when it was mentioned that Lyra majored in bardic studies, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. Overall, this is one of the higher ranking stories in my opinion.
Daring could also be classed as a dex Fighter, which I personally think would fit her better than rogue. Maybe battle master?
Anyways, in regards to the story.
I also looked at this from a DnD perspective, mostly because I am a big fan of bards and thus the word bard springs DnD to mind first. I actually kinda guessed where this was going when it was mentioned that Lyra majored in bardic studies, but that didn't hamper my enjoyment at all. Overall, this is one of the higher ranking stories in my opinion.
The flow of the words (not the pacing of events, but, like, the actual grammar) felt odd to me at several points here. I'm not sure if it doesn't have enough commas or what, but it just felt off.
Sorry, that's probably not very helpful. :/
Story-wise, this is nicely economical. Quick pick-up, Effective exposition with interspersed jokes, and a nice clincher. I agree with Horse Voice that the 'adventure bard' is mostly a DnD thing, (although Terry Pratchett does an amazing riff on this in his graphic novel 'The Last Hero') but Equestria is more music-y, so I think I could buy it. I guess I'd have liked to have this explore Moon Dancer's feelings a little more; mic-drop Lyra was great, but I'd have loved to see what the reaction was.
All-around good, even if it didn't knock my socks off.
Sorry, that's probably not very helpful. :/
Story-wise, this is nicely economical. Quick pick-up, Effective exposition with interspersed jokes, and a nice clincher. I agree with Horse Voice that the 'adventure bard' is mostly a DnD thing, (although Terry Pratchett does an amazing riff on this in his graphic novel 'The Last Hero') but Equestria is more music-y, so I think I could buy it. I guess I'd have liked to have this explore Moon Dancer's feelings a little more; mic-drop Lyra was great, but I'd have loved to see what the reaction was.
All-around good, even if it didn't knock my socks off.
Actually pretty funny! Structurally, not the strongest I've read, but the characters and their interplay are natural and well-suited to their respective voices. Moonie, moreso than Lyra, because Lyra doesn't have a whole lot of established characterization, besides being "best friends" with Lyra, and probably having trust issues.
That Moondancer, though, damn. Especially her implied bitterness toward Twilight. As a big fan of Amending Fences, I appreciated that. That's a rift that needs a little more healing, I think.
Well above average, as far as the stories I've currently read/ranked are concerned.
That Moondancer, though, damn. Especially her implied bitterness toward Twilight. As a big fan of Amending Fences, I appreciated that. That's a rift that needs a little more healing, I think.
Well above average, as far as the stories I've currently read/ranked are concerned.
Definitely needs a bit of a cleanup pass. Small example, you could cut the last sentence from the third paragraph and lose nothing, but clean up the narrative flow a little.
I'm not quite sure I like the protagonist syndrome call here? The problem is it is so lowgrade and reasonable that I don't fully buy the premise of a slowly widening weird world. It's not a bad way to approach it, but yeah, it just doesn't quite click for me.
I dunno, I hate to say this and maybe it's just me being tired, but this is one of those stories I can't actually put a finger on as to why I don't like it more.
I'm not quite sure I like the protagonist syndrome call here? The problem is it is so lowgrade and reasonable that I don't fully buy the premise of a slowly widening weird world. It's not a bad way to approach it, but yeah, it just doesn't quite click for me.
I dunno, I hate to say this and maybe it's just me being tired, but this is one of those stories I can't actually put a finger on as to why I don't like it more.
This is a nice scene, but I'm not sure I buy it as a story. Trying to apply traditional analysis to it doesn't yield much: the characters don't undergo any changes or have any desires fulfilled, except in very brief technical senses. Most of the writing is either fluff descriptions of things irrelevant to the narrative (such as Lyra's living situation) or Lyra and Moon infodumping and as-you-knowing at each other.
Pleasant to read, but mostly because it expends its entire economy of words and concepts on trying to be pleasant and catch the reader on a constant succession of hooks. Why does Moon want Lyra -> what's Protagonist Syndrome -> what's Twilight got to do with anything -> what's up with these visitors -> whoa what's Lyra doing -> and we're done! Hooks are good! Hooks are great! Hooks are necessary! But payoff is important too, and there isn't enough here for me. Style over substance, as it stands.
Still quite good on execution, mind you; this is one of those comments that's going to come off way more negatively than I actually feel because I'm rambling and trying to pinpoint to myself why I felt disappointed after reading it. It seems way more common to find entries that have a solid, fully contained structure, but struggle with execution. Here, the execution is fantastic and it's the concept and storyboarding that let me down.
Pleasant to read, but mostly because it expends its entire economy of words and concepts on trying to be pleasant and catch the reader on a constant succession of hooks. Why does Moon want Lyra -> what's Protagonist Syndrome -> what's Twilight got to do with anything -> what's up with these visitors -> whoa what's Lyra doing -> and we're done! Hooks are good! Hooks are great! Hooks are necessary! But payoff is important too, and there isn't enough here for me. Style over substance, as it stands.
Still quite good on execution, mind you; this is one of those comments that's going to come off way more negatively than I actually feel because I'm rambling and trying to pinpoint to myself why I felt disappointed after reading it. It seems way more common to find entries that have a solid, fully contained structure, but struggle with execution. Here, the execution is fantastic and it's the concept and storyboarding that let me down.