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Discord Libs
“Ah call this meeting of the Cutie Mark Crusaders- and honorary Cutie Mark Crusaders- to order!” proclaimed Apple Bloom.
“Here Here!” Cried two other fillies and a draconequus.
“So what are we going to do today?” inquired Sweetie Belle.
“Ah was hoping one of you would have some ideas.”
“I know a fun game!” exclaimed Discord. “I call it Discord Libs. Now I’ll say a type of word- like noun or adjective, and you have to come up with something else that meets the definition.”
“That don’t exactly sound like a fun game,” said Apple Bloom, Scootaloo shaking her head in agreement.
“Oh that’s just the setup,” responded Discord. “Then we get to the fun part. Just trust me. Now then,” he said while pulling out a pad and pencil from nowhere, “name a pony.”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Applejack!”
“Rarity!”
Twilight Sparkle trotted up to Applejack’s stand, Spike on her back reading through a list. “Next we need to get more quills and paper- Hi Applejack!- then Rarity wanted us to all go to the Boutique.” Twilight floated two bits out of her saddlebags and placed them in front of Applejack.
“Howdy Spike. Here ya go sugarcube,” said Applejack, flipping a pineapple to Twilight with her tail.
Twilight caught the pineapple with her magic, stared at it for a second, then looked to Applejack, eyebrow raised.
“Sorry sugarcube, no idea how that got there. Here’s your apple,” apologized Applejack, this time tossing Twilight an apple.
“Thanks AJ. I’ll see you at Rarity’s later.”
“Bye Applejack!” shouted Spike, waving the claw holding the maraca.
“Spike, what’s that rattling sound?” asked Twilight.
“Um…” started Spike, looking at his newly acquired instrument. “My maraca, apparently. Hey, where’d the checklist go?”
“Welcome to Quills and Scrolls! What can I get for you today?” greeted Davenport.
Twilight cocked her head, and asked, “Quills and Scrolls? Don’t you mean sofas…” She turned to inspect his merchandise, to indeed be greeted by a large display of quills and many bookcases packed with scrolls.
“Oh. I guess we can get both at one place then, check it off the list Spike!”
“Both?”
“Yes. Why do you seem so surprised?”
“Well, first of all my sofas seem to have become scrolls, and also I’ve never had a pony by both products at once before.”
“Well, yeah, quills and sofas were completely unrelated, while quills and blank paper are both needed for writing.”
And thus after many long years Davenport finally had an octopus.
Twilight dashed into the Boutique, noticing her friends were all already there waiting. “Sorry we’re late, the craziest thing just happened.”
“It’s ok, darling.” Rarity had on smile that started to stretch across her face. “You’re just in time for the big presentation. And now without further ado,” she turned to a sheet draped over a sizeable form. With a large, “taa-daa,” Rarity ripped the sheet off and revealed a giant rock.
“Hi Tom!” blurted out Pinkie.
“We agreed never to speak of it again,” hissed Rarity as Tom flew out the window surrounded by a blue aura. With Tom gone, Rarity let out a sigh. “Ok Dash, I’ll admit that was a pretty good prank. Now where’s my dress?”
“Sorry Rarity, I didn't do it.”
“Then how did my dress suddenly become… that?”
“Weird stuff like that has been happening to Twilight and me all day.”
“Really?” asked Rarity.
“Yeah. First Applejack gave us a pineapple, then Quills and Sofas became Quills and Scrolls.”
“Yeah you’re right Spike. Wait here girls, I’m going to to the Castle to see if I can figure out what’s going on,” said Twilight.
And so Twilight flew to the Cutie Mark Crusader’s Clubhouse.
“Wait why did I come here?” Twilight mused aloud, then took notice of other aspects of her surroundings. “Where did you get a TV, those are only from the mirror… and why are we on… You’ve been messing with me all day.”
“I can explain!” cried Discord.
“Well?”
“They made me do it!”
“A bunch of little fillies made you?”
“Their cuteness is weapons-grade.”
“Uh-huh. Castle. Now.”
“But-”
“Now!”
With that, Discord and Twilight disappeared in a flash of light, and the TV turned to static.
Sweetie covered her ears. “Ow, how do we make it stop?”
Scootaloo ran up to the TV and hit the side, pushing one of the buttons in the process.
“... today in New York…”
“Is that a minotaur?”
“Do that again Scoots”.
“~My little pony, My little pony~”
“Here Here!” Cried two other fillies and a draconequus.
“So what are we going to do today?” inquired Sweetie Belle.
“Ah was hoping one of you would have some ideas.”
“I know a fun game!” exclaimed Discord. “I call it Discord Libs. Now I’ll say a type of word- like noun or adjective, and you have to come up with something else that meets the definition.”
“That don’t exactly sound like a fun game,” said Apple Bloom, Scootaloo shaking her head in agreement.
“Oh that’s just the setup,” responded Discord. “Then we get to the fun part. Just trust me. Now then,” he said while pulling out a pad and pencil from nowhere, “name a pony.”
“Rainbow Dash!”
“Applejack!”
“Rarity!”
Twilight Sparkle trotted up to Applejack’s stand, Spike on her back reading through a list. “Next we need to get more quills and paper- Hi Applejack!- then Rarity wanted us to all go to the Boutique.” Twilight floated two bits out of her saddlebags and placed them in front of Applejack.
“Howdy Spike. Here ya go sugarcube,” said Applejack, flipping a pineapple to Twilight with her tail.
Twilight caught the pineapple with her magic, stared at it for a second, then looked to Applejack, eyebrow raised.
“Sorry sugarcube, no idea how that got there. Here’s your apple,” apologized Applejack, this time tossing Twilight an apple.
“Thanks AJ. I’ll see you at Rarity’s later.”
“Bye Applejack!” shouted Spike, waving the claw holding the maraca.
“Spike, what’s that rattling sound?” asked Twilight.
“Um…” started Spike, looking at his newly acquired instrument. “My maraca, apparently. Hey, where’d the checklist go?”
“Welcome to Quills and Scrolls! What can I get for you today?” greeted Davenport.
Twilight cocked her head, and asked, “Quills and Scrolls? Don’t you mean sofas…” She turned to inspect his merchandise, to indeed be greeted by a large display of quills and many bookcases packed with scrolls.
“Oh. I guess we can get both at one place then, check it off the list Spike!”
“Both?”
“Yes. Why do you seem so surprised?”
“Well, first of all my sofas seem to have become scrolls, and also I’ve never had a pony by both products at once before.”
“Well, yeah, quills and sofas were completely unrelated, while quills and blank paper are both needed for writing.”
And thus after many long years Davenport finally had an octopus.
Twilight dashed into the Boutique, noticing her friends were all already there waiting. “Sorry we’re late, the craziest thing just happened.”
“It’s ok, darling.” Rarity had on smile that started to stretch across her face. “You’re just in time for the big presentation. And now without further ado,” she turned to a sheet draped over a sizeable form. With a large, “taa-daa,” Rarity ripped the sheet off and revealed a giant rock.
“Hi Tom!” blurted out Pinkie.
“We agreed never to speak of it again,” hissed Rarity as Tom flew out the window surrounded by a blue aura. With Tom gone, Rarity let out a sigh. “Ok Dash, I’ll admit that was a pretty good prank. Now where’s my dress?”
“Sorry Rarity, I didn't do it.”
“Then how did my dress suddenly become… that?”
“Weird stuff like that has been happening to Twilight and me all day.”
“Really?” asked Rarity.
“Yeah. First Applejack gave us a pineapple, then Quills and Sofas became Quills and Scrolls.”
“Yeah you’re right Spike. Wait here girls, I’m going to to the Castle to see if I can figure out what’s going on,” said Twilight.
And so Twilight flew to the Cutie Mark Crusader’s Clubhouse.
“Wait why did I come here?” Twilight mused aloud, then took notice of other aspects of her surroundings. “Where did you get a TV, those are only from the mirror… and why are we on… You’ve been messing with me all day.”
“I can explain!” cried Discord.
“Well?”
“They made me do it!”
“A bunch of little fillies made you?”
“Their cuteness is weapons-grade.”
“Uh-huh. Castle. Now.”
“But-”
“Now!”
With that, Discord and Twilight disappeared in a flash of light, and the TV turned to static.
Sweetie covered her ears. “Ow, how do we make it stop?”
Scootaloo ran up to the TV and hit the side, pushing one of the buttons in the process.
“... today in New York…”
“Is that a minotaur?”
“Do that again Scoots”.
“~My little pony, My little pony~”
This is a quick and cute comedy, and I don't think I've seen this approach to a Discord story before.
I was confused at the first Twilight Sparkle part, I kept trying to figure out what it was "supposed" to be. It already seems to be correct? That really distracted me from the rest of the scene, and I caught on to the joke a little late, after some awkward confusion.
I liked the octopus.
The last scene and ending felt like a letdown, because instead of more of the core idea/joke, it seemed like it was trying to throw in some cheap non-sequitur humor instead.
Still, I enjoyed this minific for the quick pacing and fresh possibilities. I wish I'd thought of the idea of Discord Libs myself.
I was confused at the first Twilight Sparkle part, I kept trying to figure out what it was "supposed" to be. It already seems to be correct? That really distracted me from the rest of the scene, and I caught on to the joke a little late, after some awkward confusion.
I liked the octopus.
The last scene and ending felt like a letdown, because instead of more of the core idea/joke, it seemed like it was trying to throw in some cheap non-sequitur humor instead.
Still, I enjoyed this minific for the quick pacing and fresh possibilities. I wish I'd thought of the idea of Discord Libs myself.
Hee. Well, I laughed, so well done! I do agree that the final scene makes it feel a bit scattered. The core idea is fantastic, though.
I guess this is based on Mad Libs, the game. I can't say for certain that the reason that the story didn't make sense to me is because I'm not familiar with Mad Libs at all, but I think it's likely, and I'm sorry to say Discord's brief explanation at the beginning didn't really help me understand.
Now that I've looked it up I like the idea more, especially for Discord, but I can't overlook the fact that I was baffled the first time (second and third times too, before I understood I really was missing something and literally typed "libs game" into Google) and still am somewhat. But I don't hold it against you, Author, and I'll abstain instead.
Now that I've looked it up I like the idea more, especially for Discord, but I can't overlook the fact that I was baffled the first time (second and third times too, before I understood I really was missing something and literally typed "libs game" into Google) and still am somewhat. But I don't hold it against you, Author, and I'll abstain instead.
This one gets major points for originality and humor, but it is toward the end that it begins to show signs of strain from the word count limit. Some ideas simply need more space, and this is one of those. The TV could be introduced earlier, the stripped-down prose of the last scene could be more detailed, and so on. You could even include a few more jokes, provided they did not stretch the concept too thin.
There were a few clunky lines in there, but I'll forgive them because I laughed. Hard. This idea is great, and it was executed well.
Oh, I originally thought it was 'dragon' instead of 'draconequs' (because Spike spending time with the CMC makes more sense to me than Discord, maybe?) so that threw me.
But yeah, funny stuff, especially the 'octopus'.
Oh, I originally thought it was 'dragon' instead of 'draconequs' (because Spike spending time with the CMC makes more sense to me than Discord, maybe?) so that threw me.
But yeah, funny stuff, especially the 'octopus'.
Okay, I need a verb, a preposition, and a root vegetable.
Ah. I wasn’t far off. “Real world Mad Libs” is a very fun idea, one that deserves more space than you could give it here. Even so, it was still good, surreal fun, though ending did sag a bit. I look forward to seeing it expanded.
>>Not_A_Hat
Discord was made an honorary Crusader in the comics.
Ah. I wasn’t far off. “Real world Mad Libs” is a very fun idea, one that deserves more space than you could give it here. Even so, it was still good, surreal fun, though ending did sag a bit. I look forward to seeing it expanded.
>>Not_A_Hat
Discord was made an honorary Crusader in the comics.
This shouldn't work... It's based on such a simplistic idea... yet somehow, it works, really well. I couldn't help but chuckle at everypony's bafflement. And even the occasional punctuation idiosyncrasies
just make it funnier.
Wait why did I come here?
just make it funnier.
>>FanOfMostEverything Themoreyouknow.jpg.
This really isn't a case of relying on people knowing the comics, but I still think Spike makes more sense without that extra bit of context.
This really isn't a case of relying on people knowing the comics, but I still think Spike makes more sense without that extra bit of context.
Super A++ for the concept. But the execution is a bit lackluster. Many words that should be underlined (as they were replacements) aren't. E.g. the first "Maraca" is underlined, but the next isn't. There are typos and other minor technical mistakes as well.
My main complaint is that the story works too hard at setup and tear-down. Discord literally explains the concept in the opening—enough so that it sounds trite to those of us that get it from the title, but not enough so that readers unfamiliar with the concept actually grasp it. At the end, the joke/premise is explained verbatim. "You've been messing with me all day." If the readers didn't get that already, then you've already failed. Having Twilight reiterate it wastes wordcount, and makes it feel more trite. Then a TV is thrown in, non-sequiter, for a final gag. Set that up earlier for more effect!
Overall, as I said, I love the concept, but it needs work to live up to the potential.
My main complaint is that the story works too hard at setup and tear-down. Discord literally explains the concept in the opening—enough so that it sounds trite to those of us that get it from the title, but not enough so that readers unfamiliar with the concept actually grasp it. At the end, the joke/premise is explained verbatim. "You've been messing with me all day." If the readers didn't get that already, then you've already failed. Having Twilight reiterate it wastes wordcount, and makes it feel more trite. Then a TV is thrown in, non-sequiter, for a final gag. Set that up earlier for more effect!
Overall, as I said, I love the concept, but it needs work to live up to the potential.
I laughed out loud when I figured out where this story was going, but I don't think its potential is explored as much as it should be. The stuff that Twilight and Spike interact with should reflect the CMC a little bit more, and the Tom reference fell flat.
Give this another pass, author, and I'd be happy to read it on FiMfic and brag about it to my friends, family, and clergy.
Give this another pass, author, and I'd be happy to read it on FiMfic and brag about it to my friends, family, and clergy.
Reviewing this late, I have little to add to what’s been said. I like this and look forward to seeing a fuller version of it on FIMFic.
Genre: Discord being Discord
Thoughts: I do like me some Discord being Discord... so why didn't I like this as much as I expected based on the title, reviews, and concept?
As often happenswhen adequately compensated, I find myself agreeing with >>Posh. The concept here is fun but it doesn't quite work itself up to the madcap fever pitch that Discord shenanigans on this scale could ideally reach. Maybe that's a case of my own expectations working against me, but the slow burn of escalating impacts on the world doesn't feel like it goes far enough before getting chopped-up by the speedy resolution.
The bit in Quills & Sofas was perfect. Give us more of that.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I do like me some Discord being Discord... so why didn't I like this as much as I expected based on the title, reviews, and concept?
As often happens
The bit in Quills & Sofas was perfect. Give us more of that.
Tier: Almost There
End style change is really, really jarring.
Beyond that, the idea is cute, but unfortunately really underutilized, IMO. Like, really, I think the lib should have covered everything once it started, including the ending. As is it ends up being kind of a gimmick, rather than a solid core concept.
Beyond that, the idea is cute, but unfortunately really underutilized, IMO. Like, really, I think the lib should have covered everything once it started, including the ending. As is it ends up being kind of a gimmick, rather than a solid core concept.
“I know a fun game!” exclaimed Discord.
On the list of phrases to run away from as fast as you possibly can...
This works out pretty well for me overall. Could've used another pass on word economy, though. Cutting the initial scene way down would allow more time for the conceit to play out, and it should've been kept up throughout the ending as well. I felt the Quills and Scrolls bit, essentially a random place, was the weakest point, and the more structured end still kept me engaged despite dropping the gimmick. Combine the strong points of both!
>>Haze
>>SPark
>>Astrarian
>>HorseVoice
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>CoffeeMinion
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
Thanks for all the comments and feedback everyone. Ok, so retrospective time.
This was an idea I had after an older write-off (forgot which one exactly) in true testament to only having the good ideas the day after. As a result, it has lived in my head for a while and has gone through several iterations of how to execute the core idea, which in part led to a bit of disjointedness, most notably the random TV at the end I didn't have time to introduce at the beginning. I knew that was a bit of an issue when I finished, but given that it was late at night at the time and I had no ideas how to fix it I hoped that the randomness of the rest of the piece covered for its sudden appearance.
For feedback about the underlining/other small specific things:
>>Xepher
Only the actual changing of a word is underlined. After that, the alteration is now "normal" in the scene, and as such characters react to it (as opposed to ordinary Mad Libs where they have to pretty much keep the words in a box- when doing a random noun they couldn't later describe it by other wider nouns, such as an instrument, or use the specific properties of whatever is conjured, i.e. the rattling Twilight hears)
>>Haze
Yeah, in retrospect I agree. It was underlined because it was meant to be the pony they end up ultimately giving Discord to use.
>>Xepher
The point of this was to be Twilight's blurting a stream of consciousness and then a deadpan realization. I don't think I got the tone across properly though, so I'll have to fix that if it survives with the changes to the ending I'm planning.
Now then, the two most common criticisms seem to be the beginning and the end. The beginning I'll have to tune up- redoing the start off and either expanding or cutting the explanation of the game seems to be in order. As for the end, continuing the gimmick seems like a good idea. The main reason it got cut was because of how the game was working in the TV iteration. Kinda starting to regret that one, but they needed a way to watch, and something out of place does seem like the best match for Discord.
Finally, this is my story I liked the best so far, and the first one where I think I've gotten good enough to actually polish it up and post it on Fimfiction. Although that probably won't be for a while, seeing as I want to expand it a significantly, really only have time on weekends, and have to figure out how to get (a) proofreader(s) as well.
>>SPark
>>Astrarian
>>HorseVoice
>>Not_A_Hat
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Xepher
>>Posh
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>CoffeeMinion
>>AndrewRogue
>>Ranmilia
Thanks for all the comments and feedback everyone. Ok, so retrospective time.
This was an idea I had after an older write-off (forgot which one exactly) in true testament to only having the good ideas the day after. As a result, it has lived in my head for a while and has gone through several iterations of how to execute the core idea, which in part led to a bit of disjointedness, most notably the random TV at the end I didn't have time to introduce at the beginning. I knew that was a bit of an issue when I finished, but given that it was late at night at the time and I had no ideas how to fix it I hoped that the randomness of the rest of the piece covered for its sudden appearance.
For feedback about the underlining/other small specific things:
>>Xepher
Only the actual changing of a word is underlined. After that, the alteration is now "normal" in the scene, and as such characters react to it (as opposed to ordinary Mad Libs where they have to pretty much keep the words in a box- when doing a random noun they couldn't later describe it by other wider nouns, such as an instrument, or use the specific properties of whatever is conjured, i.e. the rattling Twilight hears)
>>Haze
Yeah, in retrospect I agree. It was underlined because it was meant to be the pony they end up ultimately giving Discord to use.
>>Xepher
The point of this was to be Twilight's blurting a stream of consciousness and then a deadpan realization. I don't think I got the tone across properly though, so I'll have to fix that if it survives with the changes to the ending I'm planning.
Now then, the two most common criticisms seem to be the beginning and the end. The beginning I'll have to tune up- redoing the start off and either expanding or cutting the explanation of the game seems to be in order. As for the end, continuing the gimmick seems like a good idea. The main reason it got cut was because of how the game was working in the TV iteration. Kinda starting to regret that one, but they needed a way to watch, and something out of place does seem like the best match for Discord.
Finally, this is my story I liked the best so far, and the first one where I think I've gotten good enough to actually polish it up and post it on Fimfiction. Although that probably won't be for a while, seeing as I want to expand it a significantly, really only have time on weekends, and have to figure out how to get (a) proofreader(s) as well.
>>Firelight Flicker
Getting proofreaders isn't complicated in principle. Basically you just ask someone who you think might be willing and who seems like they could offer good feedback. I find that direct PMs through FimFiction have the highest success rate, though I've occasionally found assistance through posting a request in a group related to whatever I'm writing about.
Granted, it can feel nerve-wracking to ask someone to look at your stuff, especially if you're new to seeking feedback that way, or if it's someone you really respect as a writer (the senpai noticed me! effect). Also, people might turn you down if they're busy, not interested, etc. But it's a great way to get additional perspectives, and if you're already comfortable putting stuff out there in the Writeoff anyway, it's not too much harder than that.
Getting proofreaders isn't complicated in principle. Basically you just ask someone who you think might be willing and who seems like they could offer good feedback. I find that direct PMs through FimFiction have the highest success rate, though I've occasionally found assistance through posting a request in a group related to whatever I'm writing about.
Granted, it can feel nerve-wracking to ask someone to look at your stuff, especially if you're new to seeking feedback that way, or if it's someone you really respect as a writer (the senpai noticed me! effect). Also, people might turn you down if they're busy, not interested, etc. But it's a great way to get additional perspectives, and if you're already comfortable putting stuff out there in the Writeoff anyway, it's not too much harder than that.