Blustering — B+ — Three semi-connected micro stories, all of which are cute in their own fashion, although I still don’t think God plays dice with the universe, and if he does, he rolls what he wants. You probably would have done better expanding one of them to meet the minimum prompt.

Enjoyed - The Pumpkin Clause — B+ — Ok, I’ll admit it. I laughed. There are horrible structural issues in the story, with strained grammar and pumpkin guts all over the place, but it’s funny, and that makes up for a multitude of sins. (Because a perfectly written boring story is far worse than a badly written funny story) Seriously, an hour or two with a good editor would improve this one a lot.

A Star Shot Upon Midnight — B — Very Kramer-esk in it being a story about nothing in particular other than what would you do if you made a wish. Not bad. Not much there.

An Almost-Perfect Verse — B — Nice setup for the environment, but the characters seem awkward, and the plot with the warning on the wall… I don’t get it.

A Simple Task — B- — Interesting premise, but choppy as heck in both implementation and grammar. And there was space within the word limit to smooth out the jumps too. Felt a little like a snip out of larger story. Character framing could use more work.

Mind the Gap — B- — A good warning story about the dangers of going scuba diving alone, but falls flat with the general preachy-ness. After all, if he had brought a buddy, he/she would have either been trapped with the POV character or outside and helpless to help other than to identify the body in a few hours when the air ran out. Drowning this one like a kitten.

There’s An App For That — C+ — Interesting premise that all police communications are tappable in the future. Horribly wrong, though, because the criminals are themselves *carrying phones* which are getting GPS signals, and therefore the police don’t even have to chase them. All they need is to ‘ask’ the phone company which phones were in the house at the time of the 911 call. Then again, even smart criminals are dumb. Still, it makes a good strawman to set up, although contrived and more than a bit artificial. +1 for the idea, -1 for the implementation.

Rock Mansion — C+ — Starts off a little clunky. Really needs a better hook. Short and chunky sentences that don’t flow well together. Interesting concept. It really doesn’t show the parallelism between the POV character and the ‘bad parents,’ and how it was inherited.

I’m Taking Off My Belt — C — Seems a little odd, because it was always the father who took off his belt to administer a little kinetic education through posterior trauma. Mom used the bare hand, which was almost always worse, because those hands also were the ones who took care of you when you were ill, tired, or needed help with homework. Still, even taking that into account, the stream of mental dialogue does not really hold together well. There *is* flow, which is good, but it tends to leap around, and leaves the reader a little flustered about where the story went and if it actually ended.

Bugger. I thought I had two more days for this. OKAY. REVIEW SPAM INCOMING FOR THE AUTHORS IN MY SLATE.

The Wheel of Fate is turning. Rebel 1. Let's rock.

The Great

Funny. I mean, it's a simple thing to say, but actually being funny is a challenge. While this story didn't have me guffawing, I smiled the whole way though. The tone is great.

The Rough

Mostly just some small technical issues, but nothing major.

The Great

Telling a fully arced story in such a short space is quite difficult, but you succeed excellently. Just very clean.

The Rough

Surprisingly, I think you do manage a bit of unnecessary fat in the story. The line about jailbreaking in the past, for example, doesn't add much to the story in my opinion. Same for the bit about shaving the back of the neck being dangerous. Like, I think I could use a straight razor back there and still manage without killing myself. >_>

I have a bit of a broader issue in that my suspension of disbelief doesn't quite manage to kick in for the author's need. I like the idea (desperate times, desperate measures), but the technology in play makes it a little weird that the author HAS to go to that extreme to solve the issue. Like, this seems like a really obvious use they would have already created something to handle this. Or at least you'd have better options than shitty Russian firmware. I'm also not fully convinced killing those emotions would actually help.

The Great

Very cute idea. One of the best titles thus far.

The Rough

I think the core conceit is a little flawed. Trashing all fiction on principle sounds really silly on the part of Ben, as there -are- valuable fiction titles out there. I think acknowledging that would help with suspension of disbelief. Hell, it might actually make the idea more poignant to have a few books spared just because they'll sell for a few bucks, and just trash the rest.

I don't think we gain anything from Ben having a true voice. I think this being more just a direct musing about what happened from the narrator would be a tighter story.

The Great

The core idea is good and fits well for the minific concept. Just a very short character arc.

The Rough

The story itself very much needs an editorial pass. Just a lot of technical errors.

I don't quite think the conclusion quite works. Fear of a backfired wish just isn't super compelling. It's a bit cliche, of course, but angling more towards the idea of satisfaction/contentment or maybe just realizing that you're better off working towards it rather than wishing for it would be a more satisfactory end.

The Great

Competently written (odd title error aside).

The Rough

The story doesn't quite sell well enough on it's concept, but I'm not sure which part is the problem. There are really two ways to go about this: really sell the priest's faith or really sell the error of Ted's way. Neither really happens here. The former miiiiiiight be a reader problem (turn the other cheek in all circumstances for the non-faithful is a hard sell), the latter could be fixed a bit by making things a little less overtly evil. Like, revenge or not, Ted feels pretty in the right here. These dudes are pretty clearly a problem.

Honestly, it might be more interesting to take the complete reverse of your story concept: the priest is forced to question his faith in the presence of such evil.

In Unit P12 at Mel’s Mini Warehouses, we judged books by their covers, and found them wanting.

OK, for this sentence alone I upvoted.

However, while I like the premise and the style of the story, the central concept seems a bit wanting too. As someone else pointed out, while destroying books feels disturbing in itself, it's an exaggeration to call it a "massacre" of "hundreds of thousands of words" and "bits and bobbles and hopes and loves and fears of my fellow writers". Presumably, there's been countless copies of each of these pulp novels issued, and one copy in existence less doesn't equal the utter eradication of someone's work. (Heck, in the real world, booksellers routinely pulp unsold copies of books.)

But we saved a few, set aside in a little pile. Among them: Social Register of Philadelphia: 1970; Grattan’s Failure: Parliamentary Opposition and the People of England 1779-1800; and the best find of the day, the browning A Discourse of Agriculture, Its Antiquity, and Importance, to Every Member of the Community, first edition, published in 1785, sealed in an airtight bag.

I'm not sure, but I think this is supposed to introduce contrast: "look how unfair it is -- we throw away all the awesome books, but we preserve all the totally boring and stuffy books." It works at a first read of the story, on a visceral level, but upon further thought the argument seems shaky. These professional books are presumably much rarer than the pulp novels, and thus they indeed are more worth preserving.

Still, this is easily one of the best stories in the lineup, well-written and with a great concept.

The Great

A very cute concept with a few legitimately funny moments sprinkled throughout.

The Rough

Puts me in mind of Pinkie's Wake from last round. Unfortunately, that's an unfavorable comparison as I don't think it executes nearly as well. While there are some funny moments, ultimately, the nonsense feels mostly like nonsense, and that just isn't overly compelling. It really needed to be more... clever, I guess? (Or less, I suppose, if I'm missing some tight wordplay in here).

The Great

I'd be interested in seeing the non-minific saga. Neat world and story concept.

The Rough

Technically needs a lot of work. Just a lot of little errors.

Feels like we actually kind of missed the actual interesting portion of the story, since we don't have much in the way of actual conflict. The relationship between the man and woman kinda revealed the ultimate conclusion ahead of time (to me at least). I'd much rather have gone through an abbreviated version of the robbery and the loss of the feather.

It feels really weird that nothing bad actually seems to happen during the story here, considering the havoc that the bad luck has apparently wrecked while we weren't reading.

The Great

At a technical level, among the best on my slate. The first two paragraphs are some of my favorites in this set of stories.

The Rough

I'm not really sure I can explain what my issue here is effectively. At a broad level, the metaphor just doesn't click with me. Which, I guess, is not wholly a bad thing. Thinking rationally about it, the idea carries (grief is unpleasant but we keep it anyway), but it just fails to click or engage with me at all.

Ultimately, I wonder if I was just more interested in the literal story: I just wanted to see the adventure of a man and his spider.

"One night he left the case open." should be cut entirely. I don't think it adds anything at either level, and is visually distracting because of the breaks.

The Great

Cute idea, and using game action as a parallel for reality is always cute.

The Rough

Technical flaws. Looks like it was written on a phone, maybe? Needs a definite cleaning pass.

That rules explanation set my teeth on edge. I'm a pretty experienced tabletop person, and having something like "you each play once card a turn" FURTHER EXPLAINED enrages me. Especially given this seems to be an actual even where gamers are expected to be, that seems immensely condescending. Which just kind of builds into the larger problem that the narrator feels unlikable. Like, if I went to the Dev Day at VPC this weekend, I don't think I'd want to play with this person.

This trails into I'm not really sure I buy the flirting on the part of Moony, here.

Echoing Haze and Horizon a bit here in that the terminology surrounding the game is rather off. To take that a bit further, honestly, the game itself feels kind of lacking. Like, I'm kind of envisioning it as a slightly less interesting Fluxx, which... is not a good place to be considering my feelings re: Fluxx. Making up games is definitely challenging in a narrative, as is then making the gameplay interesting! But for a story like this, making the game engaging feels absolutely necessary.

The Great

The potential is there for the idea.

The Rough

But yeah, ultimately this vision of this falls utterly flat for me. Basically, this took the laziest route of criticism and critique by largely cribbing the letter and just taking it a bit further. The end is actually a bit cute, but I knew the punchline and the body of the work from the instant I read the first sentence. This isn't terrible, per se. I've enjoyed plenty of stories that I'd figured out from sentence one! But here there just isn't anything to be interested by until the very, very end.

The Great

Cute, very classic parable style story.

The Rough

Honestly, I think this is the only story in my slate where I really feel I want to say that it was too long. Basically you have a very clear set-up and an inevitable conclusion, so drawing out the answer feels awkward. Like, I think this would be quite nice if it were aggressively tightened up to an Aesop length.

I wasn't expecting a good reception of this “fiction” because it is packed with French intimations and what I consider, with a dab of jingoism, to be French specific humour (just kidding: I mean it is very particular humour).

More specifically, the first part is a zany idea I had that cannot be traced to anything I read or saw. It was pure raving with puns as sprinkles. And I apologise, Horizon, if the Bohr model bumped you out, but the De Broglie/Heisenberg one is so boring… Maybe more true to facts, but so lackadaisical. Who cares about wave functions? ;)

The next part, tentatively the most achieved, is a double-take on La Fontaine’s most famous fable, La Cigale et la Fourmi, a classic poem every pupil studies and rote memorises in 2nd or 3rd grade (you can find the poem together with an English translation here). The short poem features the same characters, and the beginning is more or less the same, the locust (cricket, grasshopper, whatever) mooching food from the ant, who scorns it for spending the summer goofing off rather than working. The sentence “It’s been three centuries” refers to this initial text, written around 1670. The rest, starting off with the locust threatening to pester the ant with its shrill voice, is a stupid crossover of A Bug’s Life movie.

The last part is also something I thought of. I had this idea of God and the Devil playing bluff together. I first plumped for poker, but found out poker had very specific jargon I wasn’t familiar with (I never played poker, so I’m not even familiar with the French terminology). So I had to chuck that initial idea, and I picked a dice game instead. The game called “421” (rules here) was about the only one I was familiar with, and it’s also a fun one, so I went for it.

There was no direct connection between those three pieces, no golden thread to follow. So what gives? Well, each taken in isolation wouldn't have reached the 400 words limit, so I found fun to lodge three different "microfics" into a unique entry. Sort of a challenge of its own.

Overall, this was loaded as the dice with French references, and it was, in the end, quite easy to figure out who had written it given prior knowledge of almost one reference. Given that bias, I wasn't expecting much success out of it. Thanks to Kritten (and Georg, too!) for loving it and, frankly, Hat I’m not surprised you didn’t!



The title is more a reference to Pink Floyd’s most acclaimed album than anything else.

This was partly written on my iPhone, and delivered “as is” without any editing pass. In short, I wrote it in the course of two hours while showering and packing up for London. I transferred the text to the WriteOff server in the nick of time before scarpering away to the Gare du Nord, where I naively thought I could use the WiFi and a few minutes before the train's departure to smooth it. Turned out the platform was crowded, I had to queue up much more than anticipated at the passport controls (but in the charming company of a foxy British gal), and finally barely managed to hop into the carriage before departure. In other words, absolutely zero time to correct anything, so it was left untouched.

To say the truth, given the circumstances the text was born under, I’m more than pleased of the reception it got, especially the writing being singled out as solid. Thanks a bunch guys!

My idea was to set this story into a “Martian chronicles”-like universe, but I realised this was too ambitious a project for such a low word count. At the end, I had to content myself with a slightly advanced outline, and that's what the text is. Also, I had no precise idea for the end, so I just sort of “plugged” a placeholder paragraph to serve as conclusion. But as you all noted, it was underwhelming. Basically it must be chucked and replaced by something more punchy. Suggestions welcome.

So thanks again for your appreciation of skill which was unexpected, to say the least, good luck, as usual, to the finalists and see you next round!

Take care all!

I rarely post comments, but this time I wanted to thank everyone for the comments (I always do, I just don't post it :)) and clarify a few things.

-The protagonist is female.
-If a designer is well known, they get comments about games other than the ones they were presenting at the convention itself ("in game x, you mixed up the special skill of y with z! Also J is op!")
-Munchkin was used as a test, being more mainstream, although having no common elements with the game.
-The game itself, while closer to Fluxx, is actually a version of the battle of fates in Sandman (start of the first comic, when Dream goes to hell to get some of his artifacts back),
-The goth was just a goth, the badge was an attempt at a joke mixing Nightmare moon and the video clip of Sexy aboy (by Air)

Again, thanks for all your kind words. :)
See you next round

>>QuillScratch

Added an index to your podcast Quill :3

You successfully guessed five fics that didn't make the finals!

>>horizon
I was aware, and I stand by my comment

I am conflicted about this story. I really appreciate the message it's trying to convey, but the problem is that what I have in front of me, well… It's not really a story, is it? It's more of an extended blueprint for a safety video. Which is not a bad thing in and of itself, but we're here to read stories, right?

I believe that stories can carry a message even stronger than a mere safety warning can. Suffocating trapped in the bowels of a sunken ship surrounded by skeletons of crew past must be a horrifying, slow, and completely hopeless way to go. But instead of getting to experience this, we are given bullet-point instructions on what not to do. That's not how drama in stories works.

Drama should be experienced, not explained. Let us see the choices of the character through their own eyes. Lead us in. Show us the bad choices he makes. Show us his dismissal of safety precautions, let us see his rationalizations first hand. Show us how excited he got when he found the ship. Heck, let us get excited alongside him! Let us experience that tinge of anxiousness before he dives, that foreboding moment of “Maybe I am over my head here.” Then elate us with the magnificent sight of the innards of the ship. And then crush us alongside our hubris!

Instead of explaining what the character did wrong, let us make the wrong choices alongside him and then allow us to learn from his mistakes. That's how a story teaches its warning.

There's An App For That - Retrospective

Not at all surprised to see this wash out in preliminaries, but I was surprised at one thing: everyone assumed it was speculative fiction. This is set in the near future, so obviously there's some extrapolation going on, but it's actually social commentary on current events.

Vigilante is a real app which was unveiled last week for limited release on the East Coast before it was pulled off of the App Store by Apple. The manifesto I paraphrase was posted to Medium not long before the Writeoffs. Google the app name and you can see the news stories. During the writing period, commentary about it was flitting around my social media feeds, and it seemed to fit startlingly well with the prompt.

Here's a slightly more thorough article about the app (I got a few of the details wrong because I was working from earlier commentary that didn't explain quite how it worked). The article, too, notes the concern that criminals can use the app to track police movement, and thus target areas where police will be slower or unable to respond. The alternative is listening to police scanners, which, yes, can be done right now, but a single criminal with a single scanner out on a job doesn't have the resources to do large-scale mapping of police deployment; the app does all that work for them and gives them an at-a-glance bigger picture, complete with historical response times. (And if you've ever actually listened to a police scanner, like I did when I worked in a newsroom, it's a mess. There's fifteen channels, any or all of which can be active at once, shared with other emergency services.) Everyone unanimously criticized the story for that, which is disappointing, so I guess I didn't have the room (or time) to make that force-multiplier effect clear.

The other critical flaw here is that I started this way too close to the deadline, after a day with friends and finishing up my other submission, and had to rush through it to submit it in time. I wasn't able to develop it the way I wanted -- especially with the debate about the wider implications of the app, which I intended to be the real meat of the story but only was able to sort of hint around the edges. In hindsight this ended up not ready for prime time, but I threw it in hoping it was still worth reading. So, yeah; I stand by my self-tiering of "Needs Work" but thank you all for the commentary.

>>georg

Horribly wrong, though, because the criminals are themselves *carrying phones* which are getting GPS signals, and therefore the police don’t even have to chase them. All they need is to ‘ask’ the phone company which phones were in the house at the time of the 911 call.

As a sci-fi story, this would be a point I'd need to address, but that's not how policing works now. Not without warrants, anyway. Besides, a criminal could just use a stolen phone and throw it out afterward. The app's available for public download.

Honestly? I liked this. It managed to get an impressive amount of worldbuilding for its length, and it felt as if it was happening in a world that had rules and established forces at play. I find it unfortunate that the many typos and at times clunky writing lets it down. Add to that a sense of aimlessness where there is no real conflict/resolution inside the story, and the bad starts to equal the good. (I really think we could've skipped the first prompt drop).

I would love to see a better edited story that uses inventive elements as a misfortune hound to a more focused purpose :)

I did not enjoy this story, no... um...scene, I guess? Not much of a story here, really.

While the writing was certainly well executed, I found that it ultimately served no purpose. By the end of the story, we know almost nothing of import that was not there in the beginning. Try as I might, I do not understand what is the story trying to say. "Sometimes mildly sucky things happen?"

I think that there is such a thing as bad realism. We all live in the real world, we all deal with issues like these. This makes it immediately relatable, but you have to build upon that. After all, aren't stories meant to let us experience something beyond our mundanity? A character facing a conflict and then choosing to retreat and avoid it is real, but it's not a story. In the end, I have nothing to remember having read it.

Reading a badly executed story is frustrating, but reading a greatly executed refusal to tell one is worse.

There was something off about the writing and tense slips/typos that makes me think the author is not a native speaker.

I want to give props for the effort. This story is going for that classical haunted mansion horror movie feel. It's good to know the feeling you want to instill into your readers from the get go. Unfortunately, I think what ended up happening is a story that is merely mimicking the texture of horror instead of its core. You are invoking imagery - a stormy night, old creaky house, creepy portraits, ghostly apparitions - but missing the essence.

Horror hinges on the experiences of the characters in the story. It's their refusal to accept the unthinkable, their struggle to rationalize away the mystical and their shock at discovering that the world is not as they know it that guides us as readers. Some characters will even question their own sanity, because accepting that their entire worldview is a lie is scarier. Finding out little we actually understand the world around us is horrifying.

In this context, the way you wrote the ghost encounter was completely lacking in these themes. It sounded like an argument one could be having on the way back from the movies, and almost no dialogue would need changing. No one should brazenly accept: "Oh, hey, my dead mother's spirit is talking to me... Welp, time to start the grandson argument again!"

The central theme you seemed to want to evoke was the horror at being as bad as your parents. Of having their emotional torment turn out to be right. Of ending up validating everything they accused you of, in the worst possible way.

Those sound like very internal, personal sort of fears, and I feel like a less literal approach might have been better suited. Instead of a straight up confrontation in the attic, maybe make this hazier. Maybe the protagonist comes to the house to arrange some affairs, finds the letter, gets angry and drunk. In his dreams, his mother appears before him. All the memories of abuse and pain rush in. He's again that little boy, crying and pleading, but being silenced at every turn. He lashes out, and then sees himself as the abuser of his own son. Then he wakes up in a cold sweat.

Something alongside those lines would leave a bit of a mystery - were his nightmares just that, or was it really his mother's spirit invading them to torment him again?

Because, hey, for him rationalizing that it was just a nightmare is easy. After all, the alternative... well... that would be horrifying.

>>horizon

but I can't envision any possible reason to give a freaking stove Dolby 5.1 surround-sound.

This already exists: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sectorqube/maid-oven-make-all-incredible-dishes

Welcome to the future. It's here and it's shit.

So, what can I even say about this story? It's amazing!

I think that some people will dismiss its humor as just that, but it's closer to reality than you might suspect. We already have different "smart" devices fighting each other. One of the more high-profile cases was when Phillips tried to DRM it's Hue system, forbidding use of "3rd party light bulbs." It made the news in 2015, and now they seem to have "accidentally" done it again. A firm tried to DRM the coffee pods for its "smart" espresso machine. And that's on the heels of the largest DDOS attack ever - it happened not 2 weeks ago, and used hacked Internet of Things devices as a botnet.

To that end, I found the portrayal of AI to be a spot-on punditry of the actual policies of these companies. The escalation was handled great and I couldn't help but grin throughout the whole thing.

I last read a Cold in Gardez story literally 2 years ago (which reminds me I must read Salvation redux now it's complete), but am gonna make a bet he's the author behind this one.

PS Everyone should follow @internetofshit.

Well, after putting myself through writing practice, and an even longer period of telling myself to never publish anything, I decided to push through my funk and publish something. I honestly don't feel strongly for this idea in general; dark humor isn't something I think I would write. But I published it simply to publish it, and to stop not publishing things. Sorry you guys had to read it, but I did it for that reason.

I would've written something a lot more horror-focused, but everything I wrote felt hackneyed, and I didn't want to publish it. I decided on something funny, to attempt to get something that wasn't hackneyed. it didn't work, but that's the way life works, right?


All of the criticisms are fair. I'm not going to be negative like the last times, because that won't be good for anybody. I didn't write a good story, I can try again some other time, and I can fix this up if I want to.

I learned some things about myself and my writing from this:

1. I have a lot of trouble writing endings, something that has always been a problem in my writing. I don't even know what to ask in order to make a satisfying ending. I don't know what mindset to adopt, what people look for, what elements to throw in or tie together, anything! I don't think I can be a good writer until I figure that out.

2. My writing is flabby. This has been with every single story I've ever written, and I don't know how to practice snappy writing, but my writing is just flabby and loose. Maybe with another round of editing I could've done something with it.

3. I don't know my writing identity. I've been hesitant to publish anything because I don't know what I want to publish. Dark humor isn't something I want to write; I was aiming for the absurd here, and it didn't happen. I couldn't make anything I wanted to write work out for this prompt. And now I think I'm veering on excuses, so I'll stop now. I need to do some searching and see what draws me.

4. I don't know a lot of words. Someone said that I should've subverted my writing, and I had no clue what that means; even after looking it up, I wouldn't know how to apply it to my writing. I saw someone be praised for lampshading their prose, and another for writing a distaff piece, and after looking those words up, I wouldn't know how to do either of those things either. Jingoism is another word that, even though I've looked it up before, doesn't mean anything to me. That's the most discouraging thing that I've found. I'm not going to be deterred by it, though; I'll probably just be quieter in the future.

I don't know much more that I can say about that.

Thank you for the criticisms, everyone, and I again apologize for not writing something of enjoyment. I'm not going to be deterred by this, not like the last times. I don't know what to do about my deficiencies in ending stories, meandering around and making tight prose. If my publishing-for-publishing's-sake isn't really allowed, please let me know; otherwise, I will try again. Great job to everyone, finalist or not finalist, and best of luck to you all on your writing endevors!

Well, I adored this story, I like the rhythm and the minimalistic descriptions and I like the conflict.

I think that the spirit was effectively a spirit of wisdom, as in wisdom intended as the ability to chose correctly inside your own ethical frame of reference. She told him exactly what the problem was and the reason behind it. And then she offered one possible way out for some of his problems. Which is not what he wanted.

Anyway, almost top of my slate.

>>Not_Worthy2

But I published it simply to publish it, and to stop not publishing things. Sorry you guys had to read it, but I did it for that reason.

This is a good reason to publish, and I'm glad you did. Please don't take my critical review as meaning a story shouldn't be written/published; I think every story deserves that, despite how much I might or might not enjoy it.

Secondly, you mentioned flabby writing. I've found the book "Sin and Syntax" by Constance Hale useful in my own attempts to prune a purple prose problem, so if you can find a copy you might find it an interesting read. Not sure it's worth buying for the list-price, though.

>>Not_A_Hat
I'll have to look out for that at Barnes and Noble, thank you for that reference.

I didn't take your criticial review as anything other than a critical review, thank you for it. I would like to press you further, though; how does one subvert stories/story ideas (also, what doe one subvert?)?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus

>>Not_Worthy2 So, subversion is, in my mind, about pointing one direction and going another. Stories are usually built out of ideas that have been used before; Perspective has a strong example. The idea of the spirit, a reclusive being full of wisdom living on a mountaintop of distant place, is a staple in mythical stories. Someone who gives guidance or prophecy or what.

There are ideas about what this sort of character is like. Dignified, old, detached from worldy stuff, etc etc, there are ideas that spring to mind in association with that character.

Subverting that character, then, would be making them out as one thing while taking some of those ideas in a new or different direction.

In Perspective, the character is set up with this archetypal 'wise' idea-set, but instead of being old, dignified, etc etc, they're young, vivacious, funny, tightly connected to the world, etc etc. It's a subversion of the idea of this guide, because when the reader sees the setup they expect one thing, but they get another that doesn't fit what's expected but is still interesting and works with the archetype well enough.

As for what can be subverted... I'd say just about anything that has ideas/tropes/expectations around it can be given this treatment.

Is that helpful at all?

>>Not_A_Hat
That's very helpful! I must confess that I wouldn't know how to use it with the idea I used, though. XD

Though now I would like to press further, if you don't mind: when would subverting an idea be detrimental to a story? It seems as though people want the unexpected all the time, and so subverting ideas would always seem like a good idea.

>>Not_Worthy2

There's three things you need to do if you want to improve your writing: 1. Write a lot; 2. Get feedback; 3. Improve your writing based on the feedback.

You've already done the first two as a part of this contest, so you're much further along than you think. And once you write your next story, you'll have done all three. Assuming your next story is a pony minific, you can post it here, and get more feedback! And thus the cycle continues.

I know it can be discouraging getting a lot of harsh feedback on your story, but the fact is OF minifics are the 'hard mode' of the Writeoff. We get a lot of hidden support when writing about ponies because we don't have to define a world, characters, motivations, etc. We're writing about people we already know.

Anyway, the reason I think a lot of people had trouble with I’m Taking Off My Belt is that it didn’t have a lot of the traditional elements of a story: Character, Plot, Setting, Theme and Conflict.

Now, do stories need these things? Not at all -- there is no ‘correct’ way to write a story. But the modern convention of storytelling revolves around those five concepts. In a contest like this, with amateur writers, a story that doesn’t use those basic tools will need to be extremely compelling to justify its unconventional format.

Of those five concepts, what does I’m Taking Off My Belt have? There’s no character, really; the whole story is just the narrator telling us how everyone’s afraid of getting whipped by a belt. The plot is the sequence of events in a story -- again, there is no plot here. Nothing happens; nothing progresses.

Setting? Where does this story take place? I couldn’t tell you. Everywhere and nowhere, it seems.

Theme? Here we have something. I’m Taking Off My Belt does have a theme, and it’s a very strong one at that. In fact, the whole thing is pretty much an extended explication of the theme, about crime and punishment and fear. So, check this box off.

Conflict? Usually conflict is presented as the struggle of the character against another character, or nature, or god, or himself. Since there are no characters here it’s hard to say we have conflict. We have a narrator, but that’s not quite the same as having a character. On the other hand, the narrator does seem genuinely fearful at points, so I’m willing to grant that this story has some degree of conflict.

So this story has, maybe, two of the elements of storytelling. I think, more than any other reason, that’s why reviewers had trouble giving it a higher rating.

>>Not_Worthy2
The short answer (because I'm on my phone at a con) is, everything you subvert you have to justify. Playing a trope straight allows you to establish a story element quickly: if your hero is approached by a familiar old man offering advice, you've got the "wise old mentor" trope played straight, and nobody's going to question it. But if you subvert that by making his mentor a five-year-old girl, you generally have to explain how that came about and how it works for readers to accept it as plausible — or at the very least do a lot of showing to establish the fact she's his mentor and they're both on board with that.

More subversions means more weight of of exposition; fewer means a more generic-feeling story. It's a balancing act.

>>Not_Worthy2
Hey. I just wanted to chime in. I can't be of great help here because I'm almost in the same situation than you – I usually put off only mediocre stories at best (that's why I write retrospectives in advance), so I'm not really the one able to give you tricks and methods to improve your writing. The group is full of experts that have already tipped you with valuable information.

I just wanted to say that well, I'm with you in this. I know how frustrating and unnerving it can be to write something and get bashed because of it. But Cold is right: there's no other way than banging one's head against the wall, until you're strong enough to crash it and get through. It just takes time, so be diligent and patient. And do vent your anger when you feel bad, it's healthier than brooding.

Good luck, from the bottom of my heart. I'm sure you'll succeed.

>>Not_Worthy2
As for when subverting would be detrimental... this is pretty hard to make definite statements about.

The problem is that stories are complex, and made up of many pieces. Because of that, they are very rarely made/broken on the inclusion or removal of any one idea. Pointing to any one piece and saying 'this never works' is really, really hard; it's just as easy to point to the rest and say 'change these.'

So to make strong statements about subversion, I'd need more idea of what the story was like and what the author was going for, and even then there would probably be a way to make the subversion work somehow by adjusting the rest of the story.

Of course, at some point, 'adjusting the rest of the story' might mean 'write a different story', which is advice I dislike giving; just because the rest of the story can be changed to suit one idea doesn't mean it should. So I guess in that sense, I'd say a subversion (or any trope) isn't a good idea if it detracts from the point of the story somehow. But in order to say when that's true, I'd need more to go on; I can't make a blanket statement about when/when not to subvert things. All I can do is say 'I don't think subversion serves your goals best here' in a specific story.

Does that address your question?

This is probably my favorite story in this contest so far. The main reason is that it manages to tell a meaningful story while also completely encompassing the emotion it’s trying to portray. Every line in this story just drips with a sense of melancholy, and never does it feel forced or pretentious. It’s just a small, quiet story about a man (or possibly woman) reflecting on lost love and the emptiness of his current relationship. It doesn’t get any more ‘literary’ than that right there.

A grand exercise in emotion driving a story instead of plot, and being all the better because of it.

I think what I enjoy most about this story is the creative ways that the main character portions the ingredients. Just the idea that he has to work out how much of “melancholy” or “advice” to put into a bowl is entertaining to watch. I also liked the idea that you had to add the emotions and other aspects in just the right threshold; throwing in just equal amounts wouldn’t make for a good sonnet. There had to be a certain balance.

That being said, I have to file in with the other commenters about this feeling like more of an ‘exercise’ than a story. Normally, I wouldn't really mind this; I don't demand that a work has to be a strictly plot or character driven piece. Doing a piece more focused on an emotional experience can really work out if the right tactics are used. But this story doesn't quite manage to use them quite right, particularly when it comes to character.

Despite all the details we get about the ingredients, we don’t really know anything about the narrator or his girlfriend in terms of character. I get that the focus is supposed to just be on the creation of the sonnet, but it can be hard to really care about the successful mixing when we don’t really know who it’s being made for (and why). Again, I wouldn't really mind this aspect, but the fact that the narrator constantly mentions his girlfriend so often makes the piece feel like it's being driven by his desire to give her this sonnet. Once that happens, it feels rather frustrating to not know anything about these people and why they're worth baking sonnets for.

A very pretty piece, but it doesn’t feel like it entirely justifies itself by the end.

I really enjoyed the vagueness of this story. Though we know the basics of the spider and Jacob, everything else seems very thinly defined. This made the story seem timeless, like it could be taking place in the past, future, or present. I also just really liked how it managed to have a dark undertone, despite it just being about a guy with a spider. Like a few others, I thought it was an allegory for addiction or toxic relationships in general; the thing that’s supposed to bring you pleasure just alienates everyone around you and eventually ends up killing you. I didn’t expect this kind of tale to be told through an arachnid, but I’ll take what I can get.

With that in mind, I feel like the entire justification for this story happening is pretty shaky. The idea that he didn’t like the idea of squishing the spider is believable, but taking the spider home with him? That I didn’t really understand. I don’t necessarily need it to be explicitly said, but I’m really struggling to see anything in that first part of the text that leads me to believe that he’d take the spider home. Is it because the silk it spun was pretty? That’s the closest reason I can make up, and even that’s pretty darn loose of a reason.

A shaky start, but a poignant portrayal of alienation and self-destruction by the end.

It’s always nice to see a traditional fairy-tale once in a while, and this story did a grand job of capturing that fairy tale feel. I also enjoyed how the djinn was portrayed; not really being for the sultan, but not explicitly trying to screw him over. Knowing how djinn usually are in folklore, the sultan probably got off easy with this passive-aggressive one.

However, I feel like the story loses its luster by the ending parts. The moral is perfectly fine, but the sudden inclusion of modern-day Islamic countries kind of shook me. The story worked when it was just a vague Middle Eastern kingdom, but suddenly harking on about modern-day Islamic decadence, technology, and what-not felt like it was trying too hard to be commentary about the present day. I’m not saying there can’t be commentary in fairy tales, but the execution here was way too anvilicious and kind of took away from the magical feel the rest of the story had.

A decent fairy tale that only stumbles when it stops focusing on the past and tries to comment on the present.

I don’t really know how to feel about this story. On the one hand, I kind of liked the idea of a writer not being able to stop, even after being dead. I also enjoyed the atmosphere for the first part of the story, where things are quite obviously not alright, but the guy just proceeds like everything’s kosher.

On the other hand, I feel like the final joke is kind of a waste. This story had a genuinely creepy feel, yet the ending just kind of ends with a ghost writer joke. Nothing about the bizarreness of this arrangement, or on how damn unhinged both of these individuals must be to be doing something like this. It’s an ill-fitting ending for something that’s otherwise played horrifyingly straight.

Has a good horror tone, but can’t quite come up with the right ending.

I feel like this is a story just on the cusp of working. There’s an interesting idea about throwing away ‘useless’ books, and an interesting set-up to the story with the deceased lawyer’s warehouse.

However, I just don’t feel like this story really picks up at any point. The main character has the same flat tone of describing the books throughout, even after he has figured out that he doesn’t like tossing them. Honestly, I thought Pat was a more interesting character, simply because he had some kind of agency to his actions and had a logic to his book tossing that was at least interesting to look at. The whole reflection toward the end about how this is a “massacre” because they’re throwing out the labored works of writers also felt a bit too over-the-top. It’s not necessarily an incorrect assessment, but it felt like it was being beaten over our heads instead of being more subtly implied.

A good attempt, but it’s hampered by an anvilicious message and a dull main character.

I have to admit, this was a pretty creative story. The usage of magic had interesting rules, almost to the point of it being a bureaucratic mess that’d kill you simply because you didn’t read some minor subset. I also liked how the disembodied voice was rather passive-aggressive, almost as if it was taking a subtle and perverse joy in watching these two squirm their way out of this situation.

However, I feel like Maya and Ellie aren’t that interesting of characters. They just come off as the typical “strict bookworm-wisecracking rule breaker” tag team in every magic school story of the past 20 years. Some of Ellie’s lines were kind of funny, but I never felt that concerned about their fates at any point. I was also confused as hell as to how they got up on that mountain in the first place; did they accidentally teleport up there, or were they playing some bizarre game of hooky from Unnamed Magic Academy? They must be doing something wrong, as I’d think that disrupting largescale enchantments in order to save their own lives from demonic elementals and hypothermia wouldn’t be so harshly punished if they weren’t already doing something illicit.

A creative tale marred by boring characters and confusing circumstances of personal endangerment.

Boy, this story really got the comments going.

I agree with many of the others that the story’s ending is not really a healthy decision. Ending all emotion to escape an addiction is at best misguided, and at worst just setting you up for greater emotional dysfunction down the road. It’s not something that anybody ever should do if this kind of technology did exist.

That being said, I feel like the story isn’t really posing this action as a good thing. It can seem that way; the main character is adamant about it and we’re seeing the entire story from his perspective. However, I don’t think the author was trying to purposefully say we should eliminate all emotions. In fact, the story comes off as more against doing that kind of thing. Look at the beginning, with the smiling employee and people on the box. The main character reflects on these as if they’re good things, but acts as if they’re something that he’s just not able (or willing) to feel. He’s obviously very conflicted, and his actions carry more an air of tragedy to them than any real positivity to “ascending” beyond emotions. This is a story about John Doe falling down while trying to fix himself, not him actually fixing himself. That’s the important difference that makes my perception of the story more positive.

On top of that, the story itself is actually pretty damn immersive. It goes all the way with its science-fiction device and fully explores the implications of it in a not-to-distant future society. I also liked how the narrator’s words were short and emotionally stilted, yet still had a tinge of emotion behind them. It’s like he was on the verge of giving up and just needed the Editor to get rid of those last vestiges. The last paragraph really shows that final transition, with the words simply being flat summations instead of pained reminisces.

I can see why some people don’t like it, but personally, I thought this was one of the strongest stories this round. A slow burn sci-fi about technology that can make you feel nothing...for a price.

The “robot pal” story is one I’ve seen done plenty of times before, but this one was actually fairly enjoyable to read. The idea that these bots are made in more “cuddly” forms to aid with therapy really harkens to the idea of therapy dogs, and the decision to have it as a fox specifically was a cute choice. I also liked the ambiguity of Alice’s condition. It’s clear it affects her pretty heavily, but the specifics are kept vague enough to make us really wonder what’s wrong with her. This really helped make the story feel uneasy, like there was some sort of sinister undertone that would break loose at any moment.

The story only really has one problem, but it’s a very big one: the ending. The progression from reluctant user to thinking Puff is talking to her might’ve worked with more build-up. However, the story’s short length and the large amount of words used to convey their first day together really shot this aspect in the foot. As is, the final few sentences feel really rushed, pretty much passing over the events that lead to her final breakdown and acceptance of Puff. This is probably more an issue of limited wordspace than story structure, but it’s an issue nevertheless.

A decent sci-fi story that stumbles only in its ending.

I thought this story was a very competent ghost story. It certainly had that spooky feeling, while also having that open-ended conclusion that is prerequisite for such tales. I also liked how the spirit wasn’t going full "Amityville Horror" with bleeding walls or satanic screams. It was all slow build-up, with small things gradually building up into the grand finale. It was admirable seeing so much restraint when one could’ve easily jumped the gun.

However, while the story attains all the positives of the ghost story, it also sadly falls victim to some of the negatives. The main character isn’t all that interesting, and just kind of works as a catalyst for this experience to occur. This plus the rather low-key events themselves, though well executed, made it hard to really be worried for his predicament, given how the ghost comes off as more annoying than malicious. It’s unnerving to be sure, but not really something that comes off like it was a legitimate threat. Hell, it wrote “Hello” in a steamed-up mirror instead of cracking the glass into the letters! This isn’t Beelzebub-tier spookiness, this is slightly grittier Casper-tier.

A decent ghost story, but nothing more.

I actually really enjoyed this story. It took the idea of the “wise man on the mountaintop” story to a bizarre place, while still keeping to the basic idea of advising others to overcome their personal flaws. Probably my favorite parts were where she gave him sage economic and business advice in lieu of the simple platitudes most men of wisdom would probably give in other stories. It was an impressive case of bluntness, and it both worked in terms of humor and drama. I also really liked the spirit’s design, which seemed like some bizarre mishmash of a Portland hipster and Starbucks resident. It’s creative, at the very least.

There’s only two issues I have with the story: One, Joshua’s age seems somewhat uneven. I’m guessing he has to be in his 50s or 60s, given how he has children and has a private business set up. But there were points where he talked like someone who was 20 or even younger:

But you’re talking about math. What about fate and…magic and stuff?

Fuck it. I… fuck it.

These aren't the words of an experienced businessman, these are the words of a college student trying to make sense of why his coffee isn't hot enough. I'm not saying that middle-aged/elderly people don't curse or use slang, but I sure as hell don't buy this guy saying rather straight language in regards to his kids and business, then suddenly sounding like a pissed-off undergraduate. It was strange as hell and took me right out of the story whenever it happened.

The second issue is the ending. While the last speech of the spirit is decent enough, the last part about learning Linux made me kind of groan. I get that the joke is she’s giving basic business advice instead of moral teachings, but I feel like the closing passages should’ve ended on something stronger (the speech, perhaps) than trying to milk the piece for one more laugh. Also, if this is in the present day, how the hell does a well-established business owner not know about utilizing the Internet for his business? Unless this is supposed to be taking place in the late 90s to early 2000s (if so, it’s not implied very well), I don’t buy for a minute that somebody running a business in present-day wouldn’t know about how to utilize computers for business efficiency.

Other than these few stumbles, the story on the whole was very entertaining. Definitely one of my favorites for this round.

This is a very conflicting story for me. On the one hand, I like the idea of a person reflecting on their life as they slowly suffocate to death. There’s lots of narrative potential there, and there could be plenty of experimentation there. I also think scuba-diving into lost shipwrecks for treasure is a pretty interesting situation, both for death and just the narrative in general.

But at the end of the day, I don’t feel like this story did much with those ideas. It sets them up, but their execution felt lacking. The diving itself and the life reflection are barely connected, with the reflection taking up most of the story before the suffocation takes up the last bit of the story. This disconnect really hurts the story, as everything talked about just feels like it’s a separate story instead of intrinsically tied to this person’s coming death. Also, the story seemed more focused on being a PSA about scuba safety, what with the rules being interwoven in the text and the link to the poster at the end. It’s not bad information, but again, I feel like something was sacrificed in terms of story in order to bring this PSA to us.

A decent attempt, but lacking enough to not make much of an impression.

I always enjoy stories like this, where objects suddenly start living and bickering with one another. The whole idea that appliances have AI that will turn against one another for petty reasons is actually a really funny idea, and I feel this story got quite a few good laughs out of it (the comparison to WW1 alliances was particularly grand). I also liked how the entire affair was both funny and somewhat disturbing. After all, the fridge cuts off her phone call to the police and seems to almost demand she take out the squash. If this was a darker story, that fridge would definitely become the next Skynet.

I guess if I had to complain about anything, it’d be that the story’s mostly just an experience instead of a firm plot. The appliances just kind of do their shenanigans and the owner throws her arms up. But then again, the experience is very entertaining, so I was perfectly willing to forgo any dense plotting.

A fun tale about the pettiness of appliances. Definitely one of my favorites in this round.

This was actually pretty entertaining. It took me a while to get it, but once I did, I was certainly chuckling. In that sense, this was a perfectly serviceable comedic fic. But that’s kind of all this feels like: good for a good chuckle, and not much else. Nothing wrong with that, but it’s somewhat limited by that trait to not really being all that memorable. There have a been a few other comedies in this round that I thought were better executed and overall funnier than this one.

I think this is so because of this story's biggest flaw: It only builds up to one joke. If you're going to go that route, it better be a real good one if you're expecting it to make the rest of the story worthwhile. The one here, though, is just kind of the usual "innocuous object causes annhilation" joke that's been made several times before. Not bad, just not really all that special either.

A good effort nonetheless, and entirely consistent through the way as well.

>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Okay, I figure I should probably explain this comment. As people who were listening to the Podcast Postshow know, I read this story and had a single comment: "Are we all reading this the same way? This dude fucked his mom!"

That's legit my only takeaway from this fic, and I'm kinda surprised that I'm the only one to come to the conclusion that Rose is the narrator's mom.

Rose smells like strawberries. Later on, Corrine wears strawberry perfume, gifted to her by his mother.

IT'S STARING YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE PEOPLE C'MON

But seriously, if this isn't correct, then your smell motif needs some fine tuning. I really liked the prose in this. It reminded me of a prose poem I would write.

>>Cold in Gardez
Firstly, allow me to thank you for helping me out with those tips. It is discouraging to see negative reviews on stories, but not as much as it used to. I hope that's a sign that I'm maturing, but I can't be sure. Anyways, I'll be taking this to heart, and will work towards getting more work out there (with effort, mind), to get feedback and adjust. I still need to find out what it is I want to write, as well as how to tighten up my prose, and I will be working towards that, among other things.

Your criticisms are all fair, and definitely something I should keep in mind. I attempted to be a bit out there with this piece, and it didn't pay off. I would need to study how others do it first, before I attempt it again. Thank you for pointing that out, and thank you again for the advice.

>>horizon>>Not_A_Hat

What you've both said makes sense to me; the way you guys have set it up, it seems less like a tool, and more like an effect. I would conclude, from what you guys have said, that I shouldn't worry about making an idea subvert a trope on purpose unless the story idea calls for it.

At least that's what I got out of it. Thank you both for sharing your wisdom.

Also, Not_A_Hat, I bought Sin and Syntax. We'll see what will happen after I give it a read (but I'm expecting superpowers, y'hear!?).

>>Monokeras

I remember you from some time ago; you were going through a rough time, if I recall correctly. I thank you for your support, and I shall be keeping my eye on you (if you don't mind). Perhaps we can work through our individual problems together, no? :)

And to all four of you, thank you for your words. This is pretty much why I view you Write-Off cats as the "cool kids" (even though I'm sure some of you are older than me). I bid you all the best with your writing endeavors!

>>Not_Worthy2
You're a writer; you can already create entire worlds using just your mind! What more of a superpower do you want? :P

And no worries. If you ever want more of my thoughts, feel free to hit me up on Discord or something. I can't claim to be correct or helpful, but I usually have an opinion. ;)

Yet another one I’m not entirely sure how to feel about. On the one hand, the action is quite intense, and there’s definitely an emotional rawness to it. It’s confronting an uncomfortable situation head-on, so there’s a certain admiration for it in its brashness. I also liked how the story was from Steve’s POV; that makes it somewhat unclear as to whether his brother really is the jerk he recalls him as, or if there’s something else clouding his vision.

But with that in mind, I also feel like the story’s firm fixation to realism kind of bites it in the butt in a few places. For instance, what kind of caring father would just say his son has a “mental condition” and not the disorder’s actual name? If someone you love has something wrong with them, I can say that you’ll definitely know what the heck it is. That whole section about reminding Steve of the condition itself seemed like too much of a “as you know” dialogue. Why not just have it be recited within Steve’s mind? He’d probably recall what it was, and it’d make more sense within the terms of the story. That’s the problem with realism; you have to convey actions and dialogue to the letter of how it’d be (or at least close to) in reality. One deviation, and the reader may stop buying it pretty quickly.

A gripping and emotional story fumbled only by those occasional breaks from reality.

I apologize for my extended nonparticipation, both in reviews and reply. I am going to be quite busy up to the end of this round, but will respond when I can.

The Great

Honestly, I kind of want to steal this idea. Just very well conceptualized. It isn't groundbreaking or new, per se, but it just works quite well.

The Rough

Boy that ending is a downer. Which puts this in a slightly awkward position to me, because I'm not sure that's what the story actually wanted to do? Ultimately, this feels like a story that exceeds it's word count. The ambiguity about whether this is a severe downer or a potentially uplifting escape is unsatisfying. That said, I would love to see a short story version of this instead, because I think the minific format just doesn't quite do what you wanted to tell justice.

The Great

Well written with quite solid pacing. The joke is good too.

The Rough

Have to echo the sentiments about Joshua's reaction. It actually hit me hard enough to take me out of the story and think the actual punchline was literally that she was speaking another language or her words just always fall on deaf ears or something. It was really disruptive. You should clear it up that he is upset that the answer isn't magical/mystical, not that he doesn't get it.

So, okay. The spirit is adorable. I love that particular take on these sorts of spirits. But I will also say that you miiiiiiiiiiiiight consider altering her appearance. It has pretty much become the cliche at this point. That said, you don't have to, of course. Like I said, I personally like this sort of thing. But it is worth considering.

Last line needs to be pulled up. It's pretty clearly supposed to be the spirit, but it does cause confusion to drop it like that.

The Great

Very good, classic punchline.

The Rough

Honestly, I caught myself zoning out and skimming during the build up. Not sure whether this is just a failure of interest in my part, or if the opening just lacks a real hook to drag me along with. Maybe a little of both, honestly.

The Great

Surprisingly full story in a very short space. Very well executed.

The Rough

Punchline doesn't work. At all. Story is better without it. "lots" is where you want to end it, I think.

I feel the description borders a bit too heavily on purple early on. Just a lot of information delivered that doesn't really do anything super great, I think.

Is Andrea giving the author a message before the type messages start happening? That took me a couple reads to arrive at that conclusion, because the combination of the cold fingers rubbing muscles and the author lying sprawled also creates imagery of possession. You might want to clear that up a bit.

The Great

Solid voice and characterization in a short space. Also another solid, full story.

The Rough

The biggest issue here definitely feels like it stems from the fact that it is quite unclear what is actually happening. Why does have their equipment being lost ruin things, why can't they work out a warming spell, what is a wildstorm and how would they have survived it anyway, why can't they just head the five miles back, etc. Like, you sell the concept of danger well, but the actual shape of it is rather unclear.

It seems so silly that I DQ'ed my first entry to ever get into finals, because I assumed that neither of my stories had made it...

Well when you assume...

I have to agree with most of reviewers here. It stands out to me as a garden variety ghost story — like I’ve read many of them before. There’s no real novelty into this, it feels super-generic. The execution is fine, but the story itself is sort of trite, and the conclusion fells flat.

Hmmm… I can’t help but thinking of Asimov’s Robbie story.

This was nice, besides I like foxes. I have a fox plush at home I like a lot.

My only gripes would be:

1. Alice feels a bit generic;

2. You give your ending away at the beginning. Granted, it’s difficult not to do so, given that the idea of a talking pet juts out from the rest of the story. But by directing our attention on the alleged danger of a talking pet, you almost reveal the conclusion beforehand.

A cute story, if not very original.

This feels much like Bradbury’s short story The City, on top of which you added a complex scientific-philosophical quantum mechanical-like take about time and forks in time.

I had a hard time connecting to that story. It is very atmospheric but lack specifics: for example, we don’t get to know why Dr Minsky is here or what exactly her mission is. We get the guide is a precog but, I mean, it’s not like Dick’s Minority Report, where the plot is woven around the capacity of the three precogs and the way they interact with each other.

It’s almost as if there was no arc, just descriptions. Of course, you had to make-do with the limitations of a minific, but in this case – outside the atmosphere – it fell a bit flat for me.

I like the takeaway of this story, which is, more or less: “Don’t hesitate to fuck up others’ life to save yours.”

I’m going to apply it right now by ranking this story last, so that mine goes up.
Except I have no story in the finals. Shit! :P

No really, that was a funny story, the idea is nice. The only thing is that you wasted up words to explain to us why the guys are here, whereas maybe you could’ve invented something less complex to achieve the same goal and save some words. After all, the exact reason why they're in such a tight spot doesn’t matter much to the story, does it?

How many ‘place’ in the first §?
Strange use of words in the second §.
“Hey, Steve,” he said in his gruff voice. […] “Ordered their Premiere pizza,” Dad piped. I am under the impression that “pipe” suggests a thin, high-pitched voice, contrary to what you describe with “gruff”.
The scents of mozzarella and flour filled the air. Curious. Were you ever acquainted with raw mozzarella? It smells nothing. I’m not sure flour would smell anything either.

Hmm… Are you rewriting Rain Man?

Overall, those little English quirks aside, this was fair. I wouldn’t say it reaches for the stars, but it’s reasonably well written, the dilemma the hero finds himself tangled in is fine, and the conclusion’s acceptable. There’s no fancy idea or concept underlying this story, but it’s competent, so it will land up in the upper middle slate of mine.

And with that, I’m done. All finalists reviewed and slated. Good luck!

Intro
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=0 - Quill Scratch, Not_A_Hat, Special Guest Cold in Gardez.

Controversial Stories Section
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=56 - A Man Must Learn to Love
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=344 - How to Play
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=408 - There's An App For That
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=477 - A Shadow of Thought

Honorable Mentions Section
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=577 - Path of Vengence
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=675 - Ramblin Johnny Shines
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=759 - An Almost-Perfect Verse in a Long Forgotten Tomb

Story Discussion and Recommendations Section
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=786 - The Coup
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=1104 - One Step at a Time
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=1577 - Sorrow's Council
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=2020 - Brother's Keeper
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=2608 - Perspective

Outro
https://youtu.be/KpZJvUPEsY8?t=2828 - No-one wants to guess authors. :P

Man, people are really bouncing off this one, aren't they? I liked it! Your punchline was a bit obvious, though. Were this to be expanded, I'd like "Andrea" to get a bit more of a character, and for the menacing feeling she carries to be expanded on.

The Great

Solidly written with a good emotional core.

The Rough

As pointed out, depending on your intentions, Steve does come across as a serious asshole. It is entirely possible that he's in the right here, but, on the information given, it is also entirely possible that he is put upon but completely in the wrong. The dog punching line particularly seems to lean towards the latter, as it does seem to indicate a -real- problem.

The Great

Also well written with a good emotional core!

The Rough

Also has kinda of a problematic thing where the story really doesn't hit the emotional beat it's looking for because there just isn't quite enough for the reader to grab onto. Again, it is possible that that is the intent, but I'm not a huge fan of it.

>>Monokeras It's probably closer to Silverberg's The Man In The Maze, but still a great take on the concept. Kudos author.

Also, quick question, now that I've done this twice: do people find my commentary structure/commentary in general too harsh? I've been thinking about it a lot this time around and I'm worried I'm coming off WAY more negative than I wish to be, probably because of the way I segment and generally tend to discuss problems more than sucesses

>>AndrewRogue

I think as long as you're explaining why you didn't like certain things, and making sure that the faults you're describing are actual storytelling problems, rather than personal preferences, you're doing just fine. No complaints here.

The Great

Competently written.

The Rough

Definite disconnect between the body of the story and the final lines. You either really needed to either deliver better in the story (like, how about some actual spooks?) or not go quite so hard with that final line. As is, you're trying to cash in on dread that you didn't actually earn.

Congrats to Not_A_Hat for Sorrow's Council. A well-deserved gold. Congrats to our other finishers, too!

And especially to horizon, for his fourth place bronze! Haven't seen that before.

Also congratulations to JudgeDeadd, who took sixth place with his first WriteOff entry! Hope to see more from you.

>>AndrewRogue I sometimes feel the same about my posts. I think part of what happens is that there's simply more to say about the negative aspects. I mean, if someone's doing well, you can tell them 'good job', but that rarely takes as long as pointing out bits you didn't like and explaining why?

So I usually try to pick out only one or two things to comment on as far as problems go, even if I feel the story has more. I pick what's most obvious to me and what I think I can give useful advice on. I don't know if it helps as much, but at the very least it helps keep me from feeling like I focus on problematic stories inordinately.

Well, I'll also say that... although getting positive feedback is pleasant, it's not very useful to me as a writer. So I'd much rather have someone acknowledge what they enjoyed, but then explain what they didn't, even if that outweighs what they liked. That's just me, though.

Sorrow's Council - A retrospective

Writing a retrospective after winning feels odd to me. Hopefully this doesn't seem annoyingly self-congratulatory to you guys. :/ I wrote this a few days ago, and I still think a wrap-up is worth it.

I'm glad you guys liked this, because it definitely felt like writing a bit out of my comfort zone. I wanted to write something a bit darker than normal for Halloween, but not straight-up horror. I don't read enough horror to write it well, and if I wrote good horror, I'd dislike it because it would disturb people... but if I wrote bad horror, I'd dislike it because it was bad. :P But when I woke up on Writeoff day, I had a sufficiently disturbing concept in mind: a helpless man being wrapped up and eaten by spiders.

I tossed it around for most of the day, trying to figure out how to turn it into a story. I eventually realized what I had was just the ending, before hitting on the spiders symbolizing things. I considered a few possibilities before realizing I didn't have room for more than one spider. Then I sat down and typed it up, edited it four or five times, and turned it in.

This was definitely intended to be about self-destructive behavior, and I'm glad that came across clearly. I originally decided on grief/sorrow, (the teardrop on the spider, the gravestones, the portraits in the halls, the empty rooms,) but realized when I got to the 'slim velvet case' that it also worked for drug abuse. I didn't actually intend toxic personal relationships, but looking back, I think that almost makes more sense than drugs; the spider is a being, after all.

What didn't come across as strongly as it should have was how Jacob was supposed to feel trapped and helpless. This is partly symbolized with all the webbing, but several people asked 'what does he get out of it?' so apparently that wasn't as obvious as it could have been.

The thing is, he doesn't get anything out of this except pain. But he can't give it up. That's part of what gets me about this sort of behavior. Procrastination, for example, or the choices I make while depressed; I know, on some level, that making certain choices is bad for me. I claim I 'don't want' to do these things and I'll believe I mean it. And yet, on a deeper level I do want to, or I'm compelled, because I find myself unable to resist and I don't know why. Something as ephemeral and clinging as spiderweb has entangled my mind, and no matter how I struggle I can't rid myself of it.

When editing, I probably should have cut half of the hourglass-and-tears motif from the spider and put whatever words I could free up there into re-enforcing that feeling of helplessness. That motif wasn't pulling its weight anyways. And it turned into a skull once, which I'm surprised no-one called me out on. :P

The seven-word scene needs to stay in some form, I think; it's intended to show that Jacob makes a choice by leaving the case open. In the end, people do what they think they have to, which is part of why it's a tragedy. The linebreaks being visually distracting is certainly true, though, and I could probably just use a soft scene break there anyways, since it's thematically close enough to the ending scene (and that would give the final scene a bookend structure.)

Probably my biggest influence here was Fallen London. I encountered Sorrow-spiders and a 'Spider Council' not long before I wrote this, and I read several blogs about a storyline I stumbled on in the game called 'Seeking Mr. Eaten's Name' which has fourth-wall-breaking warnings appended because it deals with similar ideas of self-destruction. I ended up giving Jacob a hat and a cane because he felt Victorian to me.

Also! Discussing my story on the podcast was nearly as terrifying as it was disconcerting and rewarding. Perhaps someone listening in the podcast noticed me gulp once or twice, but I'm fairly sure none of the tremors reached my voice. Still, it was more than a little nerve-wracking.

Fair warning, I intend to take this story off the Writeoff site, because I'm toying with the idea of sending it to magazines or something. So if you want a copy, grab one soon, or ask me for one later; I'll be happy to oblige anyone who asks.

Short mea culpa, mea maxima culpa for Murder She Collaborated here.

First, I'm glad all of you think that last line is a joke. It was *supposed* to be an ironic realization of his role as a ghost writer for a ghost. It seems I write humor into things that I didn't even think of as humor. Probably why I don't write horror stories with clowns. I'll probably dink the last line around to be more ironic in the final publication.

>>Not_A_Hat
>>GaPJaxie Yeah, there's something in Gdocs/Chrome that makes every Copy/Paste operation turn < NL > characters into < CR > < LF > pairs. That's why I switched from IE several years ago. Here we go again. Sigh.

>>Monokeras There's a reason those standard ghost story tropes get used to set the scene. :)

>>horizon >>libertydude For Sale, large house, one previous owner. Large expansive windows, rustic charm, odd stain on wood floorboards in den that will not come out. Former owner was a masseuse who wrote fiction, so some minor maintenance issues such as groaning pipes, mysterious drafts, and flickering lights are to be expected.

>>AndrewRogue >>Dubs_Rewatcher Well, the combination of cold ghostly fingers and the author laying across the chair was *supposed* to make the reader think the ghost had killed him.


Maybe I should have gotten Patrick Swayze to play the part.

Still, placing 15th in this collection of amazing shorts was pretty darned good. Grats to all the participants.

A Letter of Caution on Halloween is mine, and taught me several things during the short time it took to write.

1) Writing like a cold, humorless scold in a college administrator position is HARD. (Hence the cribbing from multiple sources, which I presume they do too, because so many of these letters seem so identical)

2) Writing a logical construction to exclude 99.9% of all Halloween costumes is tougher than it looks. I had no idea people dressed up as *food* items until I did a little research, which led to a conclusion that can only be done in Human fiction, not Ponyfic. i.e. showing up to a party naked to avoid being called out for your costume.

3) I really expected to wind up at the very bottom of the list (as I did once before) but I forgot that 'Interesting > Boring' in terms of ratings, plus none of us really like those overstuffed turkeys trying to take all the fun out of the world. I feel a little like an accidental Milo, without the good hair.

4) The end almost didn't get written, and turns out to be the most popular part of it. Go fig. I guess after spending all that time blowing up the balloon, you really need a pin. :)

>>bloons3 >>GaPJaxie >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Orbiting_kettle >>AndrewRogue

>>GaPJaxie I've got almost *exactly* the same thing unwinding with Filthy Rich in Letters From a Little Princess Monster. In short, Rich was in love with DT's biological mother, lost her, and is now marrying somepony else who he has no real affection for in order to give his daughter a mother (which she needs).

>>Dubs_Rewatcher No matter how you write it, if you have a parallel or a misconception in your story, a certain percentage of readers will completely miss the point and go off a metaphorical cliff. I still have readers in my Monster series who think Twilight Sparkle's parents are dead.

"as unmistakable as it is unwelcome" is a wonderful turn of phrase.

>>Not_Worthy2 "It is discouraging to see negative reviews on stories, but not as much as it used to..."

In terms of usefulness over the years, I've found positive comments to be a balm to the soul that keep me writing, but negative comments WITH descriptions of just why the reader did not like what they were reading are more precious than gold or diamonds. Even if I totally disagree with the reviewer at the time, given a few days or weeks, I start to see just where the story has peeling paint or dry rot. Sometimes it even takes a full re-write to make things tick. (Traveling Tutor's first chapter got that treatment, and very deservingly... deservingist... It really needed it.)

So the secret to success is to find people who hate what you are doing and are willing to describe their distaste in great detail on everything you do. Odd, but true.

Congrats to everyone, particularly our winners. =)

>>Not_A_Hat
>>Oblomov
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
>>georg
>>AndrewRogue
>>libertydude



So, I knew that this story was going to struggle a bit when I wrote it. The first draft was much longer, and I worried that the editing process really muddled the moral and what I was going for. And it seems those worries were justified! But I was still fairly disappointed by the reception it received. Regardless of if you agree with the moral or not, the simple fact that this story's moral was apparently that unclear (from how all over the board the comments were) means that I didn't convey it as well as I'd hoped.

I did giggle at the idea that the moral was "Technology is bad!" or any such thing, given how much of my writing is a love song to technology. CIG nailed it on the head in the podcast, with the intended moral of: "A man must learn to love change." But sadly, he also nailed it on the head that the truncated version doesn't fully support this moral, and the ending feels a bit abrupt.

Oh well. Back to the drawing board! Thanks to everyone for their much helpful and supportive feedback. :)

>>Not_Worthy2
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>libertydude
>>AndrewRogue



Irony for that title above. And that makes two stories of mine this round where the moral at the end was apparently super unclear! Much like A Man Must Learn to Love, this story once had a longer version, and I feel it suffered for the editing. Unlike AMMLTL, I intend to publish the full version of this story, which I feel is much better and addresses a lot of the criticisms seen here.

To clarify though -- particularly for those who (understandably!) saw the spirit as a Spirit of Knowledge rather than a Spirit of Wisdom -- the intended moral of the story is that the spirit is only telling him things he already knows. The purpose of the framing device, that "wisdom does not bring happiness," is that often wisdom is simply looking at the stark reality in front of you and accepting it for what it is.

Of course, the businessman knows that Google and Amazon exist. But he's not willing to face the reality that that implies: "You're screwed," because it's too unpleasant. Just like he's not willing to face the reality that his standards for life were set during an unrealistic boom time and may need to be adjusted.

Hence the reason that, as some pointed out, the spirit is a "go-getter." Her wisdom is meant to be entirely practical.

Also, the reason she uses Linux instead of BSD is because she's a spirit of wisdom, not obscure coding standards. That war is over. It's time to admit you've lost. :D

>>AndrewRogue
This is actually relevant to something that's been weighing on my mind for a while. It seems to be agreed that it's up to the individual writer to possess the fortitude to withstand the gales of criticism that accompany Writeoff rounds. But I do think that reviews can do more harm than good, when not delivered mindfully.

A few months ago, back in the spring, I had just submitted an entry to an Original Fiction round. It wasn't the best story--made use of an old idea, wrote it at the last minute, writing period fell over my birthday, had a test the next morning... multiple factors contributed to an entry that I wasn't enamored with. But hey, I hadn't missed the deadline! I could still take pride in the fact that I hadn't missed a single original round. Woohoo!

The story got shredded. A reviewer whose opinion I deeply respected disliked it so much that they couldn't even finish reading it. Reading that hurt enough--but hey, it just wasn't their thing. That's understandable. That's okay. What really hurt was seeing that same reviewer call the story pretentious. Annoying. Trite. What wrecked my confidence was seeing something I'd written used to appease other writers: "Oh, I didn't hate your story. If I was going to hate a story, I'd be more likely to hate {name of Fahrenheit's story}." I was so ashamed of writing that entry that I didn't even have the guts to thank the people who did give me valuable feedback. [Edit: Apparently I did thank people. But I definitely didn't want to.]

To get to the point, all negative reviews are unpleasant to some extent. But devoting more attention to a story's weaknesses doesn't make for an overly critical review. Being blunt and straightforward doesn't necessarily make for a harsh review. I think what's crucial is maintaining a sense of respect for the authors and stories in the round. There are a lot of very different people at various stages of their individual writing journeys here, and in this sort of situation, tact is rarely inappropriate. The fact that you're mindful enough to be concerned about this is likely an indication that you're doing just fine. Keep up the good work. :)

Thank you all (including Freud_Rewatcher) for your thoughts and comments. They were insightful and helpful as always, and I will be sure to reference them in the event that I decide to revisit this story.

Good job to everyone and congratulations all around!

>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>georg
>>AndrewRogue
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras



There was a line I cut from this story, because I thought it was too blunt. The original last line of the story.

"She never let go."

That line is totally going back in when I clean this up for release. To be clear, the canon ending is that this is the story of an agoraphobic young woman who self-medicates until she dies of a brain aneurysm caused by a bad reaction to her prescription-strength treatment.

Every time someone calls this story "Cute" is a moment I cringe with the weight of failure!

>>GaPJaxie Ok, this is the inverse to the rule that I just wrote about sometimes you can't explain something enough in a story for everybody to get it.

Sometimes the author has a mental image of a story that they write that has no real concrete connection to the story actually written.

No pills, no signs of physical illness, and yet how would we ever guess that she's self-medicating, or dies of a brain aneurysm? Severe agoraphobia, yes. Drops dead from a stroke, huh?

Wow. I didn't even anticipate my story being in the Top 5, based on comments and the strength of its competitors. To have it sneak into fourth place — and then, on top of that, get a medal because Cold in Gardez wrote two of the top three and medals are assigned per-user — I was completely unprepared for.

Still, I guess it wasn't the biggest polling miss of the night.

Congratulations to !Hat and CiG (double congrats to CiG), and to everyone more generally. I thought this was an unusually strong minific round. A lot more TCs and Strongs than I've been giving out lately, and with original fiction no less — and a great deal of promise all the way down my slate.

Pretty burnt out right now — sorry I couldn't work up the energy for mashups. Won't be doing a retrospective on Cold Comfort either, unless anyone has any burning questions they want to ask directly. At least I got some reviews in. See you all next round, unless the prompt is election-themed.

>>Fahrenheit
I had to double-check to make sure that wasn't me. (It wasn't, and I'm relieved.) I feel like I've been getting more critical over time, and original fiction rounds in particular, it seems like everyone's knives come out, because the bar for original fic is higher (there's a lot more to accomplish in the same space).

Respect, I think, is necessary but not sufficient. I try to push myself to say at least one thing positive about each story, even if I disliked it totally; even those stories have things that they do better than others. Even at the high end, reading nothing but critiques can get fatiguing, and the people whose stories need more polish are also likely to be the ones who need more encouragement.

As you say, it can get awfully demoralizing seeing a story savaged, but the message we want to send is how the story could be better with a second pass, and tearing it apart without some path toward reconstruction makes that harder.