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Cold Comfort
"If you remain on this mountain you will die of hypothermia," the spectral voice intoned again.
"Gah!" Ellie shouted, flinging her claws up as she stomped in little circles through the powdery snow. "Can you shut that damn thing up already?"
Maya shivered—even through her thick jacket she was getting cold, and she didn't want to think about how freezing her best friend was, wearing nothing but her werewolf form's natural coat. "That wouldn't be smart. We got into this trouble by not having it on."
"We got into this trouble because you memorized the wrong damn spell! I told you I wanted a warming evocation—"
"I just went with what you said in the e-mail," Maya said defensively. "Don't blame me for typos."
"Then I'm gonna blame you for not casting that thing until after my backpack sailed over the cliff! Boy, sure would have been nice to see that coming!"
"The incoming wildstorm has awakened vengeful earth elementals," the voice intoned. "Descending the mountain to retrieve the pack will cause them to trigger a deadly avalanche."
"Do you have any idea how exhausting this is?" Maya snapped. "It's a master-level divination! I had to borrow Jared's doctoral references for some of the runic kerning! I figured you just wanted it for, y'know, emergencies."
"We got into this trouble by not having it on," Ellie said, claws making little air-quotes.
Maya crossed her arms and stared at the hazy lights of the city. Less than five miles away, and it might as well have been halfway around the world. "Coulda, shoulda, woulda. How about we focus on getting out of here alive—like, set up the tent and figure out how to ride this out—and have this argument back at the Academy?"
"The tent construction is insufficient to withstand tonight's gale-force winds," the voice said.
Ellie snarled gutturally—then paused, crouched, and began digging.
"The weight of the precipitation added by tonight's storm will collapse the snow cave," the voice said.
Ellie kicked at the snow with a curse. "Seriously, it's just a one-letter difference. Can't you, I don't know, just fix the rune or something?"
"That is so far from the way magic works it's not even funny." Maya sighed. "And don't ask me to turn it off again. It's our only asset right now, and it's already stopped us from several appealing-yet-deadly solutions."
"Yeah, well, unless we find a non-deadly one, that's gonna matter exactly squat." Ellie frowned. "Some asset. Maybe you can annoy the elementals away with it."
"Gods, no," Maya said. "Targeting it on them would draw them to us like a homing beacon."
"Well, if that triggers the avalanches early…" Ellie's voice trailed off. "Hold on. Hold on."
"…I know that look, Ellie. That's the look of a bad idea."
"No. Forget the elementals. What, exactly, is your spell's range?"
Maya blinked. "Uh…short answer, line of sight. The temporal crosslink was the big energy expenditure…" She glanced back at the city. "Is that what you're thinking? I can barely make out the lights! How could I target anyone?"
"So area-cast it! Like you did with the amplification spell when Jeanette was taunting you about the books she stole!"
Maya's face paled. "Oh no. No no no. Ellie, don't even suggest—"
"The energy surge will disrupt six active rituals, including the wildstorm protection enchantment being erected around the city," the voice intoned. "You will face several civil lawsuits, an Academy disciplinary tribunal, and possible lifetime casting sanctions."
Maya sank to her knees, staring numbly out toward the city. "Are you crazy?" she pleaded. "Listen to that!"
"I did," Ellie said softly, "and you know what I didn't hear? Either of us dying."
Maya frantically thought about it. There had to be a better way. Except there wasn't—not with the warning evocation occupying her entire spell memory, half of their outdoor equipment lost, and a wildstorm on the way.
"Claiming full responsibility for your friend's decision," the voice suddenly said behind her, "will result in arrest, jail time, and the withdrawal of your family's financial support for your education."
Maya felt Ellie's claw on her shoulder. She smiled humorlessly, reached up, and squeezed it.
"We're in this together," Ellie quietly said. Then, louder: "Shit, it's cold."
Fifteen minutes later, a dragon was winging its way toward the peak. "There will be hell to pay tomorrow," Maya intoned in an imitation of the spell's voice…but at least there would be a tomorrow to pay it with.
"Gah!" Ellie shouted, flinging her claws up as she stomped in little circles through the powdery snow. "Can you shut that damn thing up already?"
Maya shivered—even through her thick jacket she was getting cold, and she didn't want to think about how freezing her best friend was, wearing nothing but her werewolf form's natural coat. "That wouldn't be smart. We got into this trouble by not having it on."
"We got into this trouble because you memorized the wrong damn spell! I told you I wanted a warming evocation—"
"I just went with what you said in the e-mail," Maya said defensively. "Don't blame me for typos."
"Then I'm gonna blame you for not casting that thing until after my backpack sailed over the cliff! Boy, sure would have been nice to see that coming!"
"The incoming wildstorm has awakened vengeful earth elementals," the voice intoned. "Descending the mountain to retrieve the pack will cause them to trigger a deadly avalanche."
"Do you have any idea how exhausting this is?" Maya snapped. "It's a master-level divination! I had to borrow Jared's doctoral references for some of the runic kerning! I figured you just wanted it for, y'know, emergencies."
"We got into this trouble by not having it on," Ellie said, claws making little air-quotes.
Maya crossed her arms and stared at the hazy lights of the city. Less than five miles away, and it might as well have been halfway around the world. "Coulda, shoulda, woulda. How about we focus on getting out of here alive—like, set up the tent and figure out how to ride this out—and have this argument back at the Academy?"
"The tent construction is insufficient to withstand tonight's gale-force winds," the voice said.
Ellie snarled gutturally—then paused, crouched, and began digging.
"The weight of the precipitation added by tonight's storm will collapse the snow cave," the voice said.
Ellie kicked at the snow with a curse. "Seriously, it's just a one-letter difference. Can't you, I don't know, just fix the rune or something?"
"That is so far from the way magic works it's not even funny." Maya sighed. "And don't ask me to turn it off again. It's our only asset right now, and it's already stopped us from several appealing-yet-deadly solutions."
"Yeah, well, unless we find a non-deadly one, that's gonna matter exactly squat." Ellie frowned. "Some asset. Maybe you can annoy the elementals away with it."
"Gods, no," Maya said. "Targeting it on them would draw them to us like a homing beacon."
"Well, if that triggers the avalanches early…" Ellie's voice trailed off. "Hold on. Hold on."
"…I know that look, Ellie. That's the look of a bad idea."
"No. Forget the elementals. What, exactly, is your spell's range?"
Maya blinked. "Uh…short answer, line of sight. The temporal crosslink was the big energy expenditure…" She glanced back at the city. "Is that what you're thinking? I can barely make out the lights! How could I target anyone?"
"So area-cast it! Like you did with the amplification spell when Jeanette was taunting you about the books she stole!"
Maya's face paled. "Oh no. No no no. Ellie, don't even suggest—"
"The energy surge will disrupt six active rituals, including the wildstorm protection enchantment being erected around the city," the voice intoned. "You will face several civil lawsuits, an Academy disciplinary tribunal, and possible lifetime casting sanctions."
Maya sank to her knees, staring numbly out toward the city. "Are you crazy?" she pleaded. "Listen to that!"
"I did," Ellie said softly, "and you know what I didn't hear? Either of us dying."
Maya frantically thought about it. There had to be a better way. Except there wasn't—not with the warning evocation occupying her entire spell memory, half of their outdoor equipment lost, and a wildstorm on the way.
"Claiming full responsibility for your friend's decision," the voice suddenly said behind her, "will result in arrest, jail time, and the withdrawal of your family's financial support for your education."
Maya felt Ellie's claw on her shoulder. She smiled humorlessly, reached up, and squeezed it.
"We're in this together," Ellie quietly said. Then, louder: "Shit, it's cold."
Fifteen minutes later, a dragon was winging its way toward the peak. "There will be hell to pay tomorrow," Maya intoned in an imitation of the spell's voice…but at least there would be a tomorrow to pay it with.
Well hello. This is something new.
I haven't finished my slate yet, but I can already tell this one will be a strong contender for the top spot. It's an interesting premise, the hook is very strong ("wearing nothing but her werewolf form's natural coat" certainly got my attention), and I like the realization. The ending is a bit weak and it could use more substance in the dialogue, but this certainly got a smile out of me, and I was reading eagerly for its entire duration. Well done.
I haven't finished my slate yet, but I can already tell this one will be a strong contender for the top spot. It's an interesting premise, the hook is very strong ("wearing nothing but her werewolf form's natural coat" certainly got my attention), and I like the realization. The ending is a bit weak and it could use more substance in the dialogue, but this certainly got a smile out of me, and I was reading eagerly for its entire duration. Well done.
Huh.
There's a bit of strangeness in here for me about what the spell actually answers to or what triggers it. At the opening it seems to speak pretty much whenever, but when they get into the discussion it sorta just shuts up to let them talk... and then seemingly reacts to Maya's thoughts? I dunno. Maybe there's a consistent trigger I missed.
I feel like the University ought to have some leniency, given the fact that this is a life-or-death situation. Sure, some punishment for not following whatever guidelines are in place to keep people out of situations like this is probably warranted, but if this really was their only way out of the situation, then maybe they can get a little clemency for taking it.
Well... and speaking of it being the only way out of their situation, was it? They seemed to simply jump on the first option presented, without even trying to find a better one. Maybe there wasn't a better one, or maybe they really did have to act right this instant, but neither of those things came through strongly enough for me, given the weight of the consequences.
But still, don't take my problems here as indicative of me disliking this story. It does a lot of things right, including introducing us to a fantasy world very smoothly, and bringing both the characters to light elegantly and crisply. Iron out the details and it'll be both fascinating and compelling; the foundations are definitely there, I just couldn't engage with it as strongly as I'd have liked to because of nitpicks.
There's a bit of strangeness in here for me about what the spell actually answers to or what triggers it. At the opening it seems to speak pretty much whenever, but when they get into the discussion it sorta just shuts up to let them talk... and then seemingly reacts to Maya's thoughts? I dunno. Maybe there's a consistent trigger I missed.
I feel like the University ought to have some leniency, given the fact that this is a life-or-death situation. Sure, some punishment for not following whatever guidelines are in place to keep people out of situations like this is probably warranted, but if this really was their only way out of the situation, then maybe they can get a little clemency for taking it.
Well... and speaking of it being the only way out of their situation, was it? They seemed to simply jump on the first option presented, without even trying to find a better one. Maybe there wasn't a better one, or maybe they really did have to act right this instant, but neither of those things came through strongly enough for me, given the weight of the consequences.
But still, don't take my problems here as indicative of me disliking this story. It does a lot of things right, including introducing us to a fantasy world very smoothly, and bringing both the characters to light elegantly and crisply. Iron out the details and it'll be both fascinating and compelling; the foundations are definitely there, I just couldn't engage with it as strongly as I'd have liked to because of nitpicks.
Hm.
This one landed fairly high on my slate, mostly because it did a lot of basic storytelling tasks right. It builds a world through action and dialogue, starts at the interesting part, and requires a tough decision by the main characters.
But even though I ranked it highly, I'm not sure I love it. A lot of the dialogue is thinly disguised exposition, it's not really clear how these two got into this mess, and the author seems to be aiming for the most literal personification of the prompt I think I've ever seen.
I think, with a little more space to breathe, this story could work very well. As is, it'll be knocking around the upper parts of my slate, but not the top.
This one landed fairly high on my slate, mostly because it did a lot of basic storytelling tasks right. It builds a world through action and dialogue, starts at the interesting part, and requires a tough decision by the main characters.
But even though I ranked it highly, I'm not sure I love it. A lot of the dialogue is thinly disguised exposition, it's not really clear how these two got into this mess, and the author seems to be aiming for the most literal personification of the prompt I think I've ever seen.
I think, with a little more space to breathe, this story could work very well. As is, it'll be knocking around the upper parts of my slate, but not the top.
Cold Comfort — A — Good, but skeletal on descriptions (checks the size) Ah, and just barely under the limit. That’s probably why. Does the ‘Entrancing pull you into the story’ really well, and even without character descriptions, the two of them can be easily determined from their dialogue. Would be interested in seeing this fleshed out. Nice work on minimalistic worldbuilding.
I have to admit, this was a pretty creative story. The usage of magic had interesting rules, almost to the point of it being a bureaucratic mess that’d kill you simply because you didn’t read some minor subset. I also liked how the disembodied voice was rather passive-aggressive, almost as if it was taking a subtle and perverse joy in watching these two squirm their way out of this situation.
However, I feel like Maya and Ellie aren’t that interesting of characters. They just come off as the typical “strict bookworm-wisecracking rule breaker” tag team in every magic school story of the past 20 years. Some of Ellie’s lines were kind of funny, but I never felt that concerned about their fates at any point. I was also confused as hell as to how they got up on that mountain in the first place; did they accidentally teleport up there, or were they playing some bizarre game of hooky from Unnamed Magic Academy? They must be doing something wrong, as I’d think that disrupting largescale enchantments in order to save their own lives from demonic elementals and hypothermia wouldn’t be so harshly punished if they weren’t already doing something illicit.
A creative tale marred by boring characters and confusing circumstances of personal endangerment.
However, I feel like Maya and Ellie aren’t that interesting of characters. They just come off as the typical “strict bookworm-wisecracking rule breaker” tag team in every magic school story of the past 20 years. Some of Ellie’s lines were kind of funny, but I never felt that concerned about their fates at any point. I was also confused as hell as to how they got up on that mountain in the first place; did they accidentally teleport up there, or were they playing some bizarre game of hooky from Unnamed Magic Academy? They must be doing something wrong, as I’d think that disrupting largescale enchantments in order to save their own lives from demonic elementals and hypothermia wouldn’t be so harshly punished if they weren’t already doing something illicit.
A creative tale marred by boring characters and confusing circumstances of personal endangerment.
The Great
Solid voice and characterization in a short space. Also another solid, full story.
The Rough
The biggest issue here definitely feels like it stems from the fact that it is quite unclear what is actually happening. Why does have their equipment being lost ruin things, why can't they work out a warming spell, what is a wildstorm and how would they have survived it anyway, why can't they just head the five miles back, etc. Like, you sell the concept of danger well, but the actual shape of it is rather unclear.
Solid voice and characterization in a short space. Also another solid, full story.
The Rough
The biggest issue here definitely feels like it stems from the fact that it is quite unclear what is actually happening. Why does have their equipment being lost ruin things, why can't they work out a warming spell, what is a wildstorm and how would they have survived it anyway, why can't they just head the five miles back, etc. Like, you sell the concept of danger well, but the actual shape of it is rather unclear.
I like the takeaway of this story, which is, more or less: “Don’t hesitate to fuck up others’ life to save yours.”
I’m going to apply it right now by ranking this story last, so that mine goes up.
Except I have no story in the finals. Shit! :P
No really, that was a funny story, the idea is nice. The only thing is that you wasted up words to explain to us why the guys are here, whereas maybe you could’ve invented something less complex to achieve the same goal and save some words. After all, the exact reason why they're in such a tight spot doesn’t matter much to the story, does it?
I’m going to apply it right now by ranking this story last, so that mine goes up.
Except I have no story in the finals. Shit! :P
No really, that was a funny story, the idea is nice. The only thing is that you wasted up words to explain to us why the guys are here, whereas maybe you could’ve invented something less complex to achieve the same goal and save some words. After all, the exact reason why they're in such a tight spot doesn’t matter much to the story, does it?