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The Pumpkin Clause
Halloween was one of Greg’s favorite days of the year. Cheryl goes out trick-or-treating with the kid, the temperature is always perfect for relaxing in a fleece, and he’s free to just sit on his porch with a beer, trading candy for an appreciation of costumery. This was a perfectly average Halloween, but that’s how Greg liked it. He was used to the yearly Ninja Turtle costumes, the yearly shrieks of his neighbor’s decorations, the yearly loud music from the party down the street, and the yearly pounding of footsteps on his roof.
“Wait a minute,” said Greg. “No one has ever been on our roof before.” Greg stood up and power walked out onto his lawn, and turned to face his roof. Through the darkness he could vaguely make out the shape of what appeared to be a giant pumpkin. As a self-proclaimed man of reason, Greg could only assume that this was some teenager’s idea of a joke.
“Hey, You! Get off my roof!” Instinctively, Greg chugged the rest of his beer and threw the can upwards at the vandal. The pumpkin shape began to roll down the roof into the light, and Greg could now see the shapes of legs sticking out of the bottom. Now it was time for Greg to watch the teenager roll off the roof, be shaken but have his fall padded by the costume, and then he wouldn’t come bother Greg anymore.
Splat!
Or it could be an actual pumpkin that now lay all over Greg and his lawn. That was okay too, it’s not like killing squash is a crime.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Greg spun and embraced Charlie. “What’s will all the pumpkin, Daddy?”
“There was a pumpkin on our roof, and it fell off.” Charlie ran off into the pumpkin while Greg addressed Cheryl. “How was it?”
“It was nice. Charile get out of the pumpkin you’re going to ruin your costume.” Charlie returned from ground zero carrying a small business card.
“Daddy, read this to me!” Greg sat down and sounded out every word with Charlie on the card.
“Whoever shall wear the suit of the great pumpkin shall become the great pumpkin.”
“Daddy, you mean you killed the great pumpkin?”
Greg’s face shot into an awkward half smile, then he laughed.
“I guess I did. I didn’t mean to.”
“But daddy! If the great pumpkin is dead then kids won’t get toys. All kids should get toys!”
“Charlie, he’s gone, I can’t magically bring him back.”
“But the card. You can become the pumpkin.”
Greg examined the card. He looked at Cheryl, who was examining him with one eyebrow cocked up. He looked at the remains of the pumpkin lying in his yard, then back at Charlie and his puppy dog eyes staring up at him. He began to walk towards the pumpkin. After all, what could happen?
Twenty years later, Charlie lay in bed with his arms wrapped around a beautiful redhead.
“Is your dad coming to the wedding tomorrow?” she asked.
Charlie sighed, then told her, “Yes.”
“He’s really a pumpkin?”
“Yes.”
“If our kid is ever as stupid as you were, I’m baking at least one of you into a pie.”
“Wait a minute,” said Greg. “No one has ever been on our roof before.” Greg stood up and power walked out onto his lawn, and turned to face his roof. Through the darkness he could vaguely make out the shape of what appeared to be a giant pumpkin. As a self-proclaimed man of reason, Greg could only assume that this was some teenager’s idea of a joke.
“Hey, You! Get off my roof!” Instinctively, Greg chugged the rest of his beer and threw the can upwards at the vandal. The pumpkin shape began to roll down the roof into the light, and Greg could now see the shapes of legs sticking out of the bottom. Now it was time for Greg to watch the teenager roll off the roof, be shaken but have his fall padded by the costume, and then he wouldn’t come bother Greg anymore.
Splat!
Or it could be an actual pumpkin that now lay all over Greg and his lawn. That was okay too, it’s not like killing squash is a crime.
“Daddy, Daddy!” Greg spun and embraced Charlie. “What’s will all the pumpkin, Daddy?”
“There was a pumpkin on our roof, and it fell off.” Charlie ran off into the pumpkin while Greg addressed Cheryl. “How was it?”
“It was nice. Charile get out of the pumpkin you’re going to ruin your costume.” Charlie returned from ground zero carrying a small business card.
“Daddy, read this to me!” Greg sat down and sounded out every word with Charlie on the card.
“Whoever shall wear the suit of the great pumpkin shall become the great pumpkin.”
“Daddy, you mean you killed the great pumpkin?”
Greg’s face shot into an awkward half smile, then he laughed.
“I guess I did. I didn’t mean to.”
“But daddy! If the great pumpkin is dead then kids won’t get toys. All kids should get toys!”
“Charlie, he’s gone, I can’t magically bring him back.”
“But the card. You can become the pumpkin.”
Greg examined the card. He looked at Cheryl, who was examining him with one eyebrow cocked up. He looked at the remains of the pumpkin lying in his yard, then back at Charlie and his puppy dog eyes staring up at him. He began to walk towards the pumpkin. After all, what could happen?
Twenty years later, Charlie lay in bed with his arms wrapped around a beautiful redhead.
“Is your dad coming to the wedding tomorrow?” she asked.
Charlie sighed, then told her, “Yes.”
“He’s really a pumpkin?”
“Yes.”
“If our kid is ever as stupid as you were, I’m baking at least one of you into a pie.”
C'mon folks, this story has received a grand total of six sentences of feedback from two reviewers. Let's show it some love.
So looking past the formatting, what do we have here? A whimsical little tale of gourdicide and unintended consequences. Also, what appears to be a stealth Peanuts crossover: we've got young Charlie (presumably surnamed Brown) talking about the Great Pumpkin, and he grows up to marry the little red-haired girl. Though the references are a bit off, because in the original comic it was Linus who believed that the Great Pumpkin would bring presents to children.
I'm not really sure the story holds up under its own weight, though. There's never any explanation given for the Great Pumpkin or his role in this world, but the way that everyone just rolls with what the card says implies that the Great Pumpkin's toy-delivering powers are common knowledge, which is at odds with Gary's earlier incomprehension. (Honestly, the whole toy-delivering angle comes up so suddenly and so briefly, without leaning hard on the crossover this just feels too random to work.) Also, is the Great Pumpkin mobile or not? Some fraction of the story's humor (and the premise of Gary killing him) relies on the answer being no, but the story opens with footsteps on the roof, which means the answer is yes.
Gary's a "self-proclaimed man of reason", which makes this line all the stranger, especially with what I noted above about the ambiguity of whether people in this setting accept the GP as an actually existing being or not. He's rolling with magic pretty hard for a rationalist.
It's not that this story doesn't have its moments, author. The structure here is solid; you're lining up the beats of a silly comedy surprisingly well, and that timing is no small skill. The narrator's casual aside about killing squash was worth a grin. The jump cut to the ending worked as intended. But it feels like this falls apart in the details, like all the things I cited above. You can get a lot of mileage out of taking an absurd premise seriously and running it out to its logical conclusions, but that requires internal self-consistency, and a little more care with exposition so that you're sharing with the audience all of the context they need. Thanks for entering, and I hope that gives you some starting points for an edit pass and/or some things to think about for your next submission. ^.^
Tier: Needs Work
So looking past the formatting, what do we have here? A whimsical little tale of gourdicide and unintended consequences. Also, what appears to be a stealth Peanuts crossover: we've got young Charlie (presumably surnamed Brown) talking about the Great Pumpkin, and he grows up to marry the little red-haired girl. Though the references are a bit off, because in the original comic it was Linus who believed that the Great Pumpkin would bring presents to children.
I'm not really sure the story holds up under its own weight, though. There's never any explanation given for the Great Pumpkin or his role in this world, but the way that everyone just rolls with what the card says implies that the Great Pumpkin's toy-delivering powers are common knowledge, which is at odds with Gary's earlier incomprehension. (Honestly, the whole toy-delivering angle comes up so suddenly and so briefly, without leaning hard on the crossover this just feels too random to work.) Also, is the Great Pumpkin mobile or not? Some fraction of the story's humor (and the premise of Gary killing him) relies on the answer being no, but the story opens with footsteps on the roof, which means the answer is yes.
“Charlie, he’s gone, I can’t magically bring him back.”
Gary's a "self-proclaimed man of reason", which makes this line all the stranger, especially with what I noted above about the ambiguity of whether people in this setting accept the GP as an actually existing being or not. He's rolling with magic pretty hard for a rationalist.
It's not that this story doesn't have its moments, author. The structure here is solid; you're lining up the beats of a silly comedy surprisingly well, and that timing is no small skill. The narrator's casual aside about killing squash was worth a grin. The jump cut to the ending worked as intended. But it feels like this falls apart in the details, like all the things I cited above. You can get a lot of mileage out of taking an absurd premise seriously and running it out to its logical conclusions, but that requires internal self-consistency, and a little more care with exposition so that you're sharing with the audience all of the context they need. Thanks for entering, and I hope that gives you some starting points for an edit pass and/or some things to think about for your next submission. ^.^
Tier: Needs Work
Enjoyed - The Pumpkin Clause — B+ — Ok, I’ll admit it. I laughed. There are horrible structural issues in the story, with strained grammar and pumpkin guts all over the place, but it’s funny, and that makes up for a multitude of sins. (Because a perfectly written boring story is far worse than a badly written funny story) Seriously, an hour or two with a good editor would improve this one a lot.