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Just After Midnight
When Princess Luna’s unthinkable cry shook Castle Everfree, we servants hastened to shelter. Rich Bouquet, the sommelier, guided us to the wine cellars. The unicorn understood ’twas better to hide where the earth could block errant spells.
It blocked more than that. We had nary a hint of the battle’s progress, any signs reduced to slight shakings. We spent perhaps an hour there, aided by choice bottles, before the senior staff decided to send somepony to check for safety.
They chose me, then but the youngest and most expendable of the scullery maids. Though my legs trembled with my ascent, though I lacked wings to speed my escape and horn to defend myself, I ascended nonetheless. 'Twas my duty.
Unnatural night still reigned. I edged through the eerie silence, my own hoofsteps echoing like catapult stones striking the battlements. I saw no sign of life, scarcely heard one. But in the silence, with all the beasts of Everfree cowed by the Sisters’ fury, the sound of alicorn-sized lungs drew my notice. I followed the faint breaths to the front hall.
There, Princess Celestia slumped before a curious device, five stone spheres arranged around a central pillar. The Princess Herself did naught, saw naught, lying like insensate flesh before it. Moonlight shone upon her from a hole in the ceiling.
I approached Her cautiously, licking my dry lips. Speaking to Her would be a gross violation of my station, but there was nopony else. “Your Highness?”
“What?” The word sent a chill down my spine. There was no feeling there. It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.
“Should You not raise the Sun again, Your Highness?”
“Why bother?” Now there was feeling, purest sorrow. “Why, when I have lost the one who completes me? What purpose has a Sun with no Moon?”
I tried not to think too much about that. “Equestria needs You, Your Highness.”
The Princess shut Her eyes. “Luna needed me. Lookest thou upon her Moon to see how well I looked after her.”
The profile splotched across the heavenly sphere actually brought relief. “She lives.”
“Perhaps.” Only after the Princess spoke did I realize I had as well. “I know not. Mayhaps I should follow her, seal myself in my Sun. Surely mortal ponies would rule with more wisdom than I.”
Fool that I was in my youth, my thoughts found the leastmost fault there the most interesting. “Should You not raise the Sun first? It seems an easier journey when it lies above the land than beneath it.”
The Princess stared at me, the corners of Her mouth set to twitching, Her breathing stifled snorts. Just when I thought She would smite me for my impertinence, She erupted in belly-laughs. She rolled onto Her back and kicked Her legs like a foal playing in the grass.
I feared I had driven the Princess mad, especially when I could no longer tell if She were laughing or sobbing. Still, I stood by Her. Mad or not, She was Celestia, all Equestria had left.
In time, She collected Herself. She wiped at her eyes and said, “What is thy name, filly?”
“Mince Pie, Your Highness.”
She bowed Her head to me. I bit the inside of my cheek and felt pain. “I thank thee, Mince Pie. Thou hast done me a great service.”
As my mind struggled to fathom the nod, my mouth said, “Not ‘We,’ Your Highness?”
Princess Celestia shook Her head. “Neigh. Not while one half of the We is lost. But thou hast reminded me that one mare's problems, even mine, pale before the good of a nation.” She sighed. “I am not yet through this long darkness of mine.”
My fool’s mouth thrust again. “Neigh. You've still not raised the Sun.”
She smiled. “True. But even then, I will need to heal. Losing Luna was like tearing off mine own wings.” She looked up at the moon. “But I have faith that Harmony will redress this imbalance. I must or all is lost, and none can afford such.” She turned back to me. “But though I will be without my sister, I will have others to support me.”
I knelt. “I am ever Your servant, Your Highness.”
“And, I would hope, my friend.”
I started at that, mine eyes bulging open. “I…” I swallowed and nodded. “Aye.”
“I thank thee again.” Celestia turned once more to the sky, her horn aglow. “Now, to my duty.”
And thus the morning came.
It blocked more than that. We had nary a hint of the battle’s progress, any signs reduced to slight shakings. We spent perhaps an hour there, aided by choice bottles, before the senior staff decided to send somepony to check for safety.
They chose me, then but the youngest and most expendable of the scullery maids. Though my legs trembled with my ascent, though I lacked wings to speed my escape and horn to defend myself, I ascended nonetheless. 'Twas my duty.
Unnatural night still reigned. I edged through the eerie silence, my own hoofsteps echoing like catapult stones striking the battlements. I saw no sign of life, scarcely heard one. But in the silence, with all the beasts of Everfree cowed by the Sisters’ fury, the sound of alicorn-sized lungs drew my notice. I followed the faint breaths to the front hall.
There, Princess Celestia slumped before a curious device, five stone spheres arranged around a central pillar. The Princess Herself did naught, saw naught, lying like insensate flesh before it. Moonlight shone upon her from a hole in the ceiling.
I approached Her cautiously, licking my dry lips. Speaking to Her would be a gross violation of my station, but there was nopony else. “Your Highness?”
“What?” The word sent a chill down my spine. There was no feeling there. It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.
“Should You not raise the Sun again, Your Highness?”
“Why bother?” Now there was feeling, purest sorrow. “Why, when I have lost the one who completes me? What purpose has a Sun with no Moon?”
I tried not to think too much about that. “Equestria needs You, Your Highness.”
The Princess shut Her eyes. “Luna needed me. Lookest thou upon her Moon to see how well I looked after her.”
The profile splotched across the heavenly sphere actually brought relief. “She lives.”
“Perhaps.” Only after the Princess spoke did I realize I had as well. “I know not. Mayhaps I should follow her, seal myself in my Sun. Surely mortal ponies would rule with more wisdom than I.”
Fool that I was in my youth, my thoughts found the leastmost fault there the most interesting. “Should You not raise the Sun first? It seems an easier journey when it lies above the land than beneath it.”
The Princess stared at me, the corners of Her mouth set to twitching, Her breathing stifled snorts. Just when I thought She would smite me for my impertinence, She erupted in belly-laughs. She rolled onto Her back and kicked Her legs like a foal playing in the grass.
I feared I had driven the Princess mad, especially when I could no longer tell if She were laughing or sobbing. Still, I stood by Her. Mad or not, She was Celestia, all Equestria had left.
In time, She collected Herself. She wiped at her eyes and said, “What is thy name, filly?”
“Mince Pie, Your Highness.”
She bowed Her head to me. I bit the inside of my cheek and felt pain. “I thank thee, Mince Pie. Thou hast done me a great service.”
As my mind struggled to fathom the nod, my mouth said, “Not ‘We,’ Your Highness?”
Princess Celestia shook Her head. “Neigh. Not while one half of the We is lost. But thou hast reminded me that one mare's problems, even mine, pale before the good of a nation.” She sighed. “I am not yet through this long darkness of mine.”
My fool’s mouth thrust again. “Neigh. You've still not raised the Sun.”
She smiled. “True. But even then, I will need to heal. Losing Luna was like tearing off mine own wings.” She looked up at the moon. “But I have faith that Harmony will redress this imbalance. I must or all is lost, and none can afford such.” She turned back to me. “But though I will be without my sister, I will have others to support me.”
I knelt. “I am ever Your servant, Your Highness.”
“And, I would hope, my friend.”
I started at that, mine eyes bulging open. “I…” I swallowed and nodded. “Aye.”
“I thank thee again.” Celestia turned once more to the sky, her horn aglow. “Now, to my duty.”
And thus the morning came.
I alternately loved and was baffled by the wording in this one. Overall I liked the voice of the character quite a lot, and found it a pleasure to read, but a line or two confused me. Upon a re-read everything but one line (and "mayhaps" when I'm fairly certain it should be "mayhap") makes sense. I loved the detail of the sommelier's name, and the mention of being "aided by choice bottles," which made me smile. The line that still sounds bizarre to me is this one:
If anyone figures out exactly what the author was going for there, I'd love to know! I have a vague idea.
Anyways, author, this was a very fun little piece, mostly, I think, for the interesting character voice and word choice and the well-done first person P.O.V., and for the clever lines. Nicely done.
It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.
If anyone figures out exactly what the author was going for there, I'd love to know! I have a vague idea.
Anyways, author, this was a very fun little piece, mostly, I think, for the interesting character voice and word choice and the well-done first person P.O.V., and for the clever lines. Nicely done.
Genre: And that's how Equestria was made
Thoughts: A wonderful slice of humor and origin story, marinated in enough Olde Englishee-style prose to give it an authentic historical flavor. Good tension and great characterization as well. I thought it got a little draggy towards the end, but by that point I was already satisfied with the rest of it.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: A wonderful slice of humor and origin story, marinated in enough Olde Englishee-style prose to give it an authentic historical flavor. Good tension and great characterization as well. I thought it got a little draggy towards the end, but by that point I was already satisfied with the rest of it.
Tier: Top Contender
Very nicely done, author. The voicing was consistent and on point, the pacing was good, and the characters came across well. And you have some lovely prose. And, well:
It was worth reading for lines like that alone. Thank you for writing this; it was a pleasure to read.
Just when I thought She would smite me for my impertinence, She erupted in belly-laughs.
It was worth reading for lines like that alone. Thank you for writing this; it was a pleasure to read.
I love the recasting of the royal We. That was brilliant. However, I think the florid nature of Celestia's tongue is just a little distracting. You should be able to speak through her and make her sound archaic without switching languages on us, even to this small degree.
This is similar to how it's tempting to write "I" as "Ah" for Applejack. It seems evocative at first, but it's lazy: Applejack doesn't speak a language where there's a word spelled "Ah" that means "I", so it shouldn't be written that way. AJ speaks English, as does old-school Celestia. Keep this story firmly in normal English, even if you intend that Celestia doesn't speak normal English in this scene (the audience is English, and it's written for them to understand). Rely on clever word choices taken from "normal" English to make it sound archaic. You actually do this very well, but it needs to be pushed a little further.
I favored the connection between a Pie and laughter, however unrealistic that read might be.
Canonically speaking, I believe it's called the Castle of the Two Sisters.
Canonically, I'm also pretty sure the castle had been abandoned by ponies years prior to the fight between Celestia and Luna, but that would ruin the premise of the story, so I don't consider it a flaw.
Canonically, it's also the case that Celestia never actually spoke in the archaic fashion that Luna does, but I think this is secondary to the need for clarity which I mentioned above.
This is similar to how it's tempting to write "I" as "Ah" for Applejack. It seems evocative at first, but it's lazy: Applejack doesn't speak a language where there's a word spelled "Ah" that means "I", so it shouldn't be written that way. AJ speaks English, as does old-school Celestia. Keep this story firmly in normal English, even if you intend that Celestia doesn't speak normal English in this scene (the audience is English, and it's written for them to understand). Rely on clever word choices taken from "normal" English to make it sound archaic. You actually do this very well, but it needs to be pushed a little further.
I favored the connection between a Pie and laughter, however unrealistic that read might be.
Canonically speaking, I believe it's called the Castle of the Two Sisters.
Canonically, I'm also pretty sure the castle had been abandoned by ponies years prior to the fight between Celestia and Luna, but that would ruin the premise of the story, so I don't consider it a flaw.
Canonically, it's also the case that Celestia never actually spoke in the archaic fashion that Luna does, but I think this is secondary to the need for clarity which I mentioned above.
>>Kitcat36
My guess would be that it seemed that nobody was home. Her soul had been ripped out.
Anyway, I liked this one quite a lot. The language gave it a strong voice, and having Celestia speak using archaic forms and words was a way to show the contrast between the ruler a thousand years ago and the princess today.
I also concur with Trick that the part about the royal we was a wonderful touch.
As for the criticism, I fear I can offer only a vague sensation on what you could improve. It borders on useless from the wrong side to tell this, but I feel that the central turning point needs some tightening. The timing feels a bit off, and Celestia's recovery seem to happen one or two sentences too soon. Sorry for not being able to articulate it in some better way.
Very nice entry, beautiful story.
It was simply a sound the flesh made after hearing one.
My guess would be that it seemed that nobody was home. Her soul had been ripped out.
Anyway, I liked this one quite a lot. The language gave it a strong voice, and having Celestia speak using archaic forms and words was a way to show the contrast between the ruler a thousand years ago and the princess today.
I also concur with Trick that the part about the royal we was a wonderful touch.
As for the criticism, I fear I can offer only a vague sensation on what you could improve. It borders on useless from the wrong side to tell this, but I feel that the central turning point needs some tightening. The timing feels a bit off, and Celestia's recovery seem to happen one or two sentences too soon. Sorry for not being able to articulate it in some better way.
Very nice entry, beautiful story.
I can’t decide if the capitalized pronouns are a nice bit of incidental world building or an intrusion on the narrative flow. Still, aside from those and Celestia’s rather rapid recovery, this was quite nicely done. Fascinating contrast with “Favor Those Who Hold the Fire;” same base concept taken in very different directions.
Should you expand this, I’d love to know what became of the narrator. From the sound of it, she definitely didn’t stay in the kitchen for the rest of her life.
Should you expand this, I’d love to know what became of the narrator. From the sound of it, she definitely didn’t stay in the kitchen for the rest of her life.
This! Damn it, you win! It has heart, it has humor, it has history. It just works, and the minor quibbles I can give are only that more minor for it.
I like a lot of this.
However, I keep returning to the two lines where the narrator, ostensibly older and wiser, looks back on her past self with scorn. She is, supposedly, saying foolish/stupid things in her youth. But... they also happen to be the very things Celestia needs to hear, and fall at precisely the turning points of the story.
This makes things a little strange for drawing conclusions at the end of the story.
Has she failed to recognize what actually happened there? This would mean that, Celestia, despite her protestations of friendship, didn't teach her what she did right, or that even as a friend, Celestia has re-educated her into proper submission and etiquette in all circumstances so her past actions look properly foolish.
I mean, either of those kinda work, if Celestia had to fail at being a good friend a bunch of times before she was qualified to teach, but I dunno. I think you're kinda undercutting the whole story with those (possibly intended as throw-away) lines.
The rest of it, though, is very nice.
However, I keep returning to the two lines where the narrator, ostensibly older and wiser, looks back on her past self with scorn. She is, supposedly, saying foolish/stupid things in her youth. But... they also happen to be the very things Celestia needs to hear, and fall at precisely the turning points of the story.
This makes things a little strange for drawing conclusions at the end of the story.
Has she failed to recognize what actually happened there? This would mean that, Celestia, despite her protestations of friendship, didn't teach her what she did right, or that even as a friend, Celestia has re-educated her into proper submission and etiquette in all circumstances so her past actions look properly foolish.
I mean, either of those kinda work, if Celestia had to fail at being a good friend a bunch of times before she was qualified to teach, but I dunno. I think you're kinda undercutting the whole story with those (possibly intended as throw-away) lines.
The rest of it, though, is very nice.
The Great
Another nice, solid story. Pretty good dialogue beats and a nice take on the events.
The Rough
I'm not quite sure how I feel about the "Old English." On the one hand it gives the story a unique voice, but on the other it does make it does get a bit in the way of reading.
Also, much like "hay," "neigh" just grates on the chalkboard of my soul.
I'm not sure I actually like the last line. The beat just doesn't really work for me. It sounds too... short? Lacking in flourish? Plain compared to the remainder of the language? I'm having trouble putting my finger on it exactly, but the ending is just very flat.
Another nice, solid story. Pretty good dialogue beats and a nice take on the events.
The Rough
I'm not quite sure how I feel about the "Old English." On the one hand it gives the story a unique voice, but on the other it does make it does get a bit in the way of reading.
Also, much like "hay," "neigh" just grates on the chalkboard of my soul.
I'm not sure I actually like the last line. The beat just doesn't really work for me. It sounds too... short? Lacking in flourish? Plain compared to the remainder of the language? I'm having trouble putting my finger on it exactly, but the ending is just very flat.
my own hoofsteps echoing like catapult stones striking the battlements.Isn’t that a bit over the top?
I find your EME somewhat lacking style: you use modern word order, and modern forms like "has" instead of "hath".
For example:
Surely mortal ponies would rule with more wisdom than I.
Wiser than mine shalt mortal ponies’ rule be.
“I am not yet through this long darkness of mine.”I am not sure “being through something” is archaic. I’d use: “This long darkness of mine still beseth me.”
In any case, this was a nice story, but once again, I’d argue Celestia’s mindset turnabout is too quick and unexpected. It would seem more realistic to me if she accepted to raise the Sun, but still kept on mourning. What you paint here is so sudden a change that I can barely be sold on it.
In time, She collected Herself. She wiped at her eyes and said, “What is thy name, filly?”
“Mince Pie, Your Highness.”
A pony and a pie, no lie!
So while I like this a lot, both conceptually and in execution, I can't help but be thrown by the way it's written and worded. Your narrator is a pony of lowly station, but she speaks and writes in the exact same elevated, posh-y mode as Celestia. I get that she's a servant of the crown, but in that case, the quality of her diction should be somewhere between Warcraft peasant and Royal Canterlot such-and-such.
Just After Midnight
This was definitely interesting. As I noted before the preliminaries began, I had to trim a few hundred words of fat off of this, almost all of it even more grandiose turns of phrase than what made it in. I suppose the key to minifics is to start big and whittle them down.
This was one of those really convenient ideas that springs out fully formed and comes prepackaged with its title. After all, mornings officially start at midnight. There's still plenty of darkness between the end of the night and the sunrise. Similarly, Celestia probably needed some recovery time between banishing the one person who'd always been with her and putting away the celestial object now branded with that person's face.
Mince Pie is the result of one of those questions that no one seems to ask but bother you once they do: What was everypony else doing during the sisters' battle? I wanted to keep her name unknown until the end. Otherwise, it might telegraph how she was going to resolve the situation. Going first-person was a revelation in that regard; my original plan was to play the pronoun game, and that hit the usual pony fiction wall of too many "she"s. I suppose my original intention was that the story was an excerpt from her memoir or something similar, though I never really pinned that down. I'll have to do that.
The pacing is definitely a little off, but that'll be an easy fix once I have infinite space to work with.
Thank you to all of my reviewers, including >>Kitcat36, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Foehn, >>Orbiting_kettle, and >>Xepher
As for the rest of you, individual responses follow:
>>Trick_Question
Hmm. You may have a point on the archaic English. We'll see.
>>Not_A_Hat
Excellent point about the issues with Mince looking back with shame and scorn. Definitely something to adjust in the polished version.
>>AndrewRogue
I was hoping that the contrast between the past elaboration and the simple statement of fact would work out better than it did for you. Whoops. ^^;
>>Monokeras
I tried to indicate that Celestia had only begun to heal, but word count got in the way. As for the sentence structure... well, Trick may be onto something with just using archaisms.
>>Posh
Ooh, good point. Completely forgot about class divides, which isn't something one can do when writing a feudal society. I'm going to need to think about this...
This was definitely interesting. As I noted before the preliminaries began, I had to trim a few hundred words of fat off of this, almost all of it even more grandiose turns of phrase than what made it in. I suppose the key to minifics is to start big and whittle them down.
This was one of those really convenient ideas that springs out fully formed and comes prepackaged with its title. After all, mornings officially start at midnight. There's still plenty of darkness between the end of the night and the sunrise. Similarly, Celestia probably needed some recovery time between banishing the one person who'd always been with her and putting away the celestial object now branded with that person's face.
Mince Pie is the result of one of those questions that no one seems to ask but bother you once they do: What was everypony else doing during the sisters' battle? I wanted to keep her name unknown until the end. Otherwise, it might telegraph how she was going to resolve the situation. Going first-person was a revelation in that regard; my original plan was to play the pronoun game, and that hit the usual pony fiction wall of too many "she"s. I suppose my original intention was that the story was an excerpt from her memoir or something similar, though I never really pinned that down. I'll have to do that.
The pacing is definitely a little off, but that'll be an easy fix once I have infinite space to work with.
Thank you to all of my reviewers, including >>Kitcat36, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Foehn, >>Orbiting_kettle, and >>Xepher
As for the rest of you, individual responses follow:
>>Trick_Question
Hmm. You may have a point on the archaic English. We'll see.
Canonically, I'm also pretty sure the castle had been abandoned by ponies years prior to the fight between Celestia and Luna, but that would ruin the premise of the story, so I don't consider it a flaw.Citation needed.
Canonically, it's also the case that Celestia never actually spoke in the archaic fashion that Luna does, but I think this is secondary to the need for clarity which I mentioned above.See, it's discrepancies like that that make me suspect that the flashback potion wasn't a perfectly reliable narrator. After all, Luna doesn't speak in the archaic fashion during the conflict. Either she invented the you/thou distinction while banished on the moon or that's not exactly how things happened.
>>Not_A_Hat
Excellent point about the issues with Mince looking back with shame and scorn. Definitely something to adjust in the polished version.
>>AndrewRogue
I was hoping that the contrast between the past elaboration and the simple statement of fact would work out better than it did for you. Whoops. ^^;
>>Monokeras
I tried to indicate that Celestia had only begun to heal, but word count got in the way. As for the sentence structure... well, Trick may be onto something with just using archaisms.
>>Posh
Ooh, good point. Completely forgot about class divides, which isn't something one can do when writing a feudal society. I'm going to need to think about this...
>>FanOfMostEverything
I remembered in the flashback that the castle was deserted and decaying. Also, Canterlot and the new castle had been built prior to Luna's banishment (I'm fairly certain).
For the archaic speech, it's not just the episode (which gives several examples), it's Celestia's writing in the Journal of the Two Sisters. The language there is unchanged, whereas Luna uses archaic-sounding language because she enjoys taking on airs and appearing formal. The Journal dates to before the Castle of the Two Sisters was constructed (and before either Celie or Luna earned their cutie marks). Since the Journal appears in the series and it matches up with the book precisely, the book is official canon.
Also, it's just not a good device to use. Look atCiG's horizon's masterpiece, the one with Celestia and Clover the Clever (which also misses canon because Clover was female, but who cares). Did Celestia ever speak with 'prithee's and shit? Nope. horizon used other devices in the story to convey the fact that it happened long ago, and left the language in the form that readers could read.
I remembered in the flashback that the castle was deserted and decaying. Also, Canterlot and the new castle had been built prior to Luna's banishment (I'm fairly certain).
For the archaic speech, it's not just the episode (which gives several examples), it's Celestia's writing in the Journal of the Two Sisters. The language there is unchanged, whereas Luna uses archaic-sounding language because she enjoys taking on airs and appearing formal. The Journal dates to before the Castle of the Two Sisters was constructed (and before either Celie or Luna earned their cutie marks). Since the Journal appears in the series and it matches up with the book precisely, the book is official canon.
Also, it's just not a good device to use. Look at
>>FanOfMostEverything
Huh, wow. It hasn't even occurred to me that she and Pinkie share a family name. It adds nicely to the story.
I wanted to keep her name unknown until the end. Otherwise, it might telegraph how she was going to resolve the situation.
Huh, wow. It hasn't even occurred to me that she and Pinkie share a family name. It adds nicely to the story.