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The Morning After · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Tired
A little while after the end of the night, Twilight finds me at a secluded corner of the ballroom. As she nears, an errant sunbeam streaking in through a window catches her in the eye. Sleepiness has rendered her reactions muted, but she still backpedals, cringing, before ducking beneath the shaft of light with all the grace of a minotaur on skates. I feel just a little bad for chuckling.

"I'm sorry about that," I say with a little smile.

"No, it's fine, Princess Celest—" is all she can manage before a long, wheezing yawn overtakes her. "Oh, my goodness, excuse me!"

"It's all right. Perfectly understandable considering the circumstances, in fact."

"I usually do my all-nighters with a lot more coffee," she admits. "But coffee at an occasion like this wouldn't feel right, would it?"

"No, it wouldn't," I agree. I cast a glance at Luna, who's in the middle of the dance floor. The last of the guests have her surrounded, thanking her for the night and exchanging pleasantries before following the other ponies out the door. A good number of them seemed ready to pass out in their carriages on their way home.

"Thank you for arranging this, Twilight," I say. "She's really enjoyed herself, I can tell."

"It's nothing at all," Twilight insists, smiling broadly. "Just doing my job as the P-O-F, after all."

It takes me a second to figure out the acronym, but I smile when I do.

"Speaking of Pincessly duties," I say, ruffling my feathers a bit, "I'm actually thinking about retiring, myself."

When Twilight realizes I’m not joking, her eyes widen and dart subconsciously to the sunrise-filled windows.

“Oh, not from that,” I say with a chuckle before I point towards the little gaggle of nobles still gathered around Luna, eager to be seen with her. “From this. From being the Princess of the Sun.”

“Why?” Twilight asks. “Is there something wrong?”

I can’t help but feel a twinge of pride in her. A few short years ago, this kind of talk would have shaken her entire world. But now, her first thought is to help.

“Nothing’s wrong,” I assure her. I grin a little. “Can I actually tell you a secret?”

Twilight is still confused, but she nods.

“I actually never wanted to be a Princess,” I admit. “If I had things my way after Luna and I defeated Discord, I would have just gone to live in a quiet meadow somewhere, and ponies would be wondering to this day about how the sun rose and set.

“But Luna convinced me that ponies needed to know that they were being watched over. That we had a responsibility to guide them. And though it has been truly wonderful to see my little ponies succeed and grow over the many years I’ve cared for them, I think I’ve ruled for long enough, now.”

“Does Luna know?” says Twilight. Her ears are swivelling the way they do when she’s thinking.

“Not yet, but I’ll tell her soon.” I shoot my sister another glance. The few ponies that are still with her—Ispot an astronomer and a musician in their midst—are the ones that don’t have political reasons for being here. They seem to be having quite the good time.

“Won’t she be upset?”

“Perhaps at first,” I say, “But I honestly believe she has the most to benefit from this.” I let my voice drop a pitch or two to emphasis this next part. “Has the thought occurred to you that tonight may have been the first time that many of our guests have seen a moonset?”

Twilight blinks, and I continue.

“And it wouldn’t be from a lack of early rising. The simple fact is that most of the time, their attention is drawn other side of the horizon.” I sigh. “But it’s not their fault; I haven’t given Luna or Equestria enough room to grow without me.”

“I think I understand,” says Twilight. “When are… you planning on leaving?” A worried waver shakes her voice.

“It won’t be something I do overnight,” I reassure her. “I plan on doing it the right way, and it may be several more years before everything is put in order.”

“Okay,” she says, clearly relieved, “but let me know if you need my help, okay?”

“Of course.”

I gaze across the nearly-empty ballroom and I look forward to being the Princess of nothing but a little brook in a meadow, somewhere.
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#1 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
First-person present tense? Most unexpected. Let’s see where you go with this.

Hmm. The answer seems to be “Nowhere in particular, yet.” This feels like either a prologue or an epilogue, depending on whether you want to focus on the future or the past. I’d love to read either chapter, but as is, it falls a bit flat.
#2 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
A guy I know used to call this "paint by word." It's a lovely little scene, and works well enough for what it is, but doesn't tell much more of a story. Still though, I like it. It shows us a little growth on the part of both characters, and a deeper understanding between them. Nicely done!
#3 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
Celestia is a very difficult pony to write internal monologue for. She's heavily guarded, and there aren't a lot of ways to paint a mindset for her that feel like they comport with canon.

The headcanon displayed here about Celestia is this story, and I'm not quite feeling it. I need to understand more about her motivations than what you've given me. Even though we're inside Celie's head, we don't get to see any specific reasons why she doesn't enjoy ruling. We're given the sense that she's been doing this for over a millennium and rueing every minute of it, but why? What is it she hates so much? This is a rare moment where she isn't the center of attention, which I think unintentionally undercuts the message.

Celestia could have appointed a government and left the crowd centuries ago if she didn't enjoy ruling from the very beginning. There wasn't a need for her to be head of state for centuries running. I don't buy this unless she's undergone a change over time, and that isn't the message I'm getting. She's been a willing head of state for a very long time and canonically shows no signs of disliking her job other than occasional boredom (shown several times on the show)—and her description of an idyllic retirement in total isolation sounds even more boring than her current job, which makes it difficult for me to swallow.

I don't think the headcanon here is impossible, but it needs to be thought through and supported more than it currently is.
#4 · 3
· · >>Bachiavellian
I agree with Trick in that the headcanon displayed here about Celestia is this story. It doesn't set out to do much but it is something.

As someone who has a looser policy on sticking exactly to canon (without outright contradicting it), I did like this story. I thought it was a calm and sweet story, and made me happy for both Luna and Celestia. The thing is, that's all the story is, though. It's a quick foray into some nice headcanon, and that's about it. Sets out to do what it intends (for me, at least, though Trick makes some good points about the intracacies of this compared to canon that need more explanation), but it doesn't reach higher than that for me.

It feels complete and sweet, but petite. Too short, I think, and not substantial enough to have more of an impact. But it did have somewhat of an impact, so I think the author did something right :>
#5 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
Genre; Something I can empathize with early in the morning due to staying with relatives and having someone's EXTREMELY LOUD alarm go off every 10 minutes.

Definitely getting a hotel tonight. D:

Thoughts: As others have noted, this leans hard on headcanon about Celestia that seems like a stretch based on what we've seen in the show. Now that doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad or unworthy interpretation of her character, but I think it would take some more persuading to get me on board with this, and therein lies the rub: the main thing done within the word count is to present that headcanon, and not very much is done to persuade me of it. In the absence of that, a good portion of the emotional impact this story could make has been blunted. Which is a shame, because it's otherwise well-presented.

Tier: Almost There
#6 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
...Why is she springing this on Twilight during what I assume is the Grand Galloping Gala? She does it so casually, too...

I don't have a problem with the headcanon; I like portrayals of the Princess duo as projecting a confidence that they don't really feel one hundred percent, particularly Celestia the Reluctant Ruler. But I think that part would be better if you changed it from "after Discord" to "after Luna/Nightmare Moon" and wrote a different justification for it. Banishing John de Lancie from the mortal plane isn't really cause for introspection and quiet retirement. Banishing your baby sister and your only friend, well.. that would probably leave Celly a little more jaded.
#7 · 1
· · >>Bachiavellian
There's no hint of conflict here until the second half. And even when it does come in, it's settled without much in the way of drama. Although the amount of drama necessary is hard to gauge (some people like SOL,) I do think bringing the conflict into the story faster and more strongly would make for a more engaging tale. Some overarching conclusion to this idea might be nice as well; I've seen this sort of thing before (I've fiddled with it myself) but it would be interesting to hear what people think this attitude means about Celestia, and the fact that her sister/student haven't picked up on it means about them.
#8 · 3
· · >>Bachiavellian
Doing for at least a thousand years a job you don't want to do is hard. I suspect Celestia may have pulled out some fireworks in the privacy of her room the day Twilight ascended.

I liked this and the calm way in which Celestia informed Twilight (with just a hint of mischief), the almost detached way in which she looks at the world around her and the love for her sister. I can well reconcile those traits with the image we got from the show.

What I would have liked more would be a bit of reasoning about why she still has the reins (sorry) of power after all this time. Even some indirect hint about things tried and that didn't work out or about preserving the structure in memory of her sister or even simply the momentum of habit would have told us a lot more about your vision of the Princess.

Still, I liked this quite a bit.
#9 · 2
· · >>Bachiavellian
This feel strange. It lacks motivation: why would Celestia suddenly open her heart to Twilight on such an occasion.

Also, this clashes headlong with my own headcanon: I can’t buy Celestia privately informing Twilight of such a game changer decision before speaking to her own sister. Something is wrong here. And Celestia reigning over her private little mead? Hogwash! Think about her cakes!
#10 · 1
· · >>Bachiavellian
The Great

Just a pleasant little piece that captures the feel of the morning.

The Rough

Needs an editorial pass. Lot of little typos.

All told, this doesn't just quite gel for me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but, overall, the story just doesn't interest or excite me. Which is a shame, because I think it executes reasonably well on its core conceit.

POF feels really OOC for Twilight.
#11 · 4
· · >>Trick_Question >>Not_A_Hat
"H-hi guys." The disheveled pony rubbed at a coat that might have once been considered kempt years ago. He swallowed nervously, looking around at the others with him.

Perhaps thirty or forty faces looked back at him, sitting in a circle close enough to foster some sense of intimacy. An odd assortment of creatures they were—mostly ponies, but there was the occasional biped and even a sentient teakettle among them. Some faces he knew from past sessions; others sparked only vague senses of recognition; he hadn't been attending very much recently.

Some of those gathered began to notice the poor pony's hesitation, which only made his nervousness worse. He fidgeted in his chair with an almost seizure-like intensity before the pony sitting next to him reached out and laid a hoof on his shoulder.

"It's okay," said Derpy. The stallion wasn't sure why there was a toliet roll and a glowstick in her mane, but it actually had a disarming, almost comforting effect on him. "You're among friends."

"She's right," said an orange pegusus, who buzzed his wings in a nearly insectine way. "Nothing leaves this room."

The stallion breathed deep and steeled himself. He looked back through the crowd, briefly locking eyes with a boa undergoing a severe case of indigestion before squeezing his eyes shut and forcing the next words from his mouth.

"Hi everypony," he said. "My name is Bachiavellian, and I am addicted to Princesses."


-----

Retrospective: Tired

Fun fact, I went with that title cause it was literally the only thing I could think of at 3 AM in the morning of the night before submissions closed. And since the story is about being tired both physically and emotionally, that means this title has *triple meaning*. I'm so damn creative.

Anyways, I really did not expect this to make the finals at all. I kinda found myself at a point about 3/4 of the way through when I realized that it was nothing but talking heads and exposition, and I was sorely tempted to dump it right then and there. I've quit on fics for smaller reasons, after all. But it was far, far too late to come up with and write a new idea, and I was already sick of my writing unproductivity over the last few months, so I kinda just bit my cheek and finished it anyway.

Thanks for the reviews, everyone! It seems like virtually all of ya'll gravitated towards the same issues that I had with it, but it feels good to have my hunches confirmed anyway.

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.>>FanOfMostEverything
Definitely not complete. This is probably the nautical equivalent of walking into a drydock, looking at one of the skeletal keels, and asking the baffled shipwright, "Let's she how she floats, huh?"

>>Xepher
I'm glad that the mood-building seemed to have worked for you! Again, totally agree that it doesn't feel like a self-contained story. Thanks for your thoughts!

>>Trick_Question
You're entirely right, and you bring up some good points about Celestia's character. I think a lot of the issue is that the whole talking heads thing makes everything feel like a loredump, which is probably exacerbating the headcanon issues you're rightfully having. Thanks for the review!

>>FrontSevens
Happy you liked it! Agree that there isn't very much meat here, but I'm glad that what little there is worked for you!

>>CoffeeMinion
Yep, the presentation was about as flat as a cutting board. I probably needed about a thousand more words (and a dozen more hours) to make this idea work like it did in my head. Thank you!

>>Posh
Thank you for your thoughts! Personally, what I was going for was that Celestia never really wanted to be a Princess; she occasionally strikes me as quite the introvert. But I understand how having a catalyzing event would make the internal conflict feel more concrete. Appreciate it!

>>Not_A_Hat
That is a very interesting way to take this premise. I'm kind of disappointed in myself that I didn't come up with it myself. I don't think I'm likely to edit/publish this one, but your suggestions have definitely sparked my thought processes for another story. It's a really fun concept to play with. Thanks!

>>Orbiting_kettle
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it, and agree with your comments on the lack of character development. This was definitely one of those times I was really feeling the time crunch, so not all of my ideas/explainations made the final cut. Which is a mite disappointing, but such is life sometimes, I suppose. :P

>>Monokeras
Yep, yep, yep. Celestia opens up one of her deepest secrets because it was plot-convenient. My rittin skilz r thru the r00f. Thank you for your thoughts! And for the record, Celestia would totally have a catering service walk through 10 miles of wilderness to deliver a weekly cake.

>>AndrewRogue
Yeah I was really rolling my eyes at all those typos when I reread this the next morning. Totally understand your lack of investment; there's not much going on in the story at all. But I'll have to respectfully disagree with the Twilight being OOC thing--she totally strikes me as an acronym kind of girl. :derpytongue:

-----

Whew, that's everyone!

So, congrats to our medalists, and hope to see you guys next time!
#12 · 2
·
>>Bachiavellian
"Hi, Bachiavellian," says an obvious wolf bitch poorly disguised as a pony. "Um, though, everypony, I don't really belong here, exactly," she adds. "I'm just here to, like, meet ponies..."

Skeptical looks bore into her.

"I mean, I just, it's easy to write stories about Princesses because... because the characters, um, lend themselves... that's all... it's not like I worship them and those glorious, shimmering mantles... as they whip about in the open air... without the slightest hint of a breeze..." (cough)

...and then she breaks down crying directly into her paws hooves.
#13 · 1
·
>>Bachiavellian Remember, Princesses are friends, not food.

This is totally an elephant.

That's my story, and I'm sticking with it!