Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
An opportunity for improvement
“So, what do you think?” the broker asked, gesturing expansively with one hand. The other hand held a thick folder that detailed the property in question. “The best real estate bargain in my entire portfolio!”
I looked around with a scowl on my face. I’d already made up my mind, but I couldn’t let him know that. There was still haggling to be done.
“A bit of a fixer-upper,” I said, poking a cloud with my hoof.
“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” he replied. “Besides, consider it an opportunity!”
I snorted and pushed the cloud. It skittered away from me like a sulky kitten. “How are broken weather patterns an ‘opportunity’?”
“Being a ‘fixer-upper’,” he said with accompanying air-quotes, “means that you get to set things up however you like. It’s a great deal!”
“The sun doesn’t work right,” I pointed out.
“All part of the charm,” he said, starting to sweat a little.
“Neither does the moon.”
“Uh, well… Who really needs a moon, when you get right down to it?”
“They’re all the rage across the third quadrant right now. How could I invite my friends over for a night-time party without a moon to light the sky? I’d be embarrassed to show my muzzle.” I let out a carefully crafted sigh. “No, I’m just not sure this will work. Not as-is, at least.”
To my immense satisfaction, he took the bait.
“Well…” The broker flipped through the folder he was holding. “I can throw in an extra, magical client species. Free of charge! This world has a pretty strong mana field. They can fix a lot of the problems for you.”
Now that was an unexpectedly good deal. “Hmm… Can they take any form I want?”
“Of course!”
“Ponies, then.”
“Oh, uh… Yeah, why not? Wouldn’t you prefer something with hands, though?”
“I’m kinda fixated on equines at the moment,” I said, waggling a hoof at him.
“Consider it done,” he said. Then he winked, “Pending final signatures, of course.”
“Of course,” I echoed. I manifested a pair of wings and glided down to the earth, frowning as my hooves hit the surface. “Soil needs some work. Especially if there’s a client species I need to feed.”
He cleared his throat and loosened his tie a little. “Well, how about you specialize your client species?”
“Meaning?”
“Divide them into thirds. Some work on the weather, some on moving the sun and moon around, and some on making the soil better.”
I hate to admit it, but that never would have crossed my mind. “Huh. That could work.” I glanced over at him and saw that he was getting excited, and I realized that I’d let too much of my enthusiasm show through. “Going to be a lot of work. It'll be pretty annoying, having to manage all that by myself.”
He shrugged. “Anything worth doing is going to be difficult.”
“Well, how about this. Throw in a minor demigod, maybe two, to manage things for me, knock ten percent off of the list price, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
A quick check through the folder was followed by another sigh. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’d accept the price, but not with the demigods. I’m already too far in the hole on this property as-is.”
That almost sounded like honesty. I concealed my shock and arched an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”
“Yeah. This property has been languishing for a while, so I’m willing to take a little bit of a loss just to get rid of it. But even a single demigod is too much. I’d rather just write it off as a total loss, honestly.”
Well, we couldn’t have that. I thought about it for a while. “I suppose I could just pick a couple of the client species and raise them up myself. Would take a few centuries, but it’s do-able.”
“Good, good!” The broker flipped once again through his folder. “Oh, I almost forgot. This world also has a Harmony system installed. One of the older ones—Crystal Tree, type IV—but it still works great!”
“Huh. Neat.”
“So, do we have a deal? Ten percent under list, client species thrown in?” The broker stretched out one of his hands.
“Sure, why not?” I said. I bumped the hand with a hoof and grinned. “I even have the perfect name already picked out.”
I looked around with a scowl on my face. I’d already made up my mind, but I couldn’t let him know that. There was still haggling to be done.
“A bit of a fixer-upper,” I said, poking a cloud with my hoof.
“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” he replied. “Besides, consider it an opportunity!”
I snorted and pushed the cloud. It skittered away from me like a sulky kitten. “How are broken weather patterns an ‘opportunity’?”
“Being a ‘fixer-upper’,” he said with accompanying air-quotes, “means that you get to set things up however you like. It’s a great deal!”
“The sun doesn’t work right,” I pointed out.
“All part of the charm,” he said, starting to sweat a little.
“Neither does the moon.”
“Uh, well… Who really needs a moon, when you get right down to it?”
“They’re all the rage across the third quadrant right now. How could I invite my friends over for a night-time party without a moon to light the sky? I’d be embarrassed to show my muzzle.” I let out a carefully crafted sigh. “No, I’m just not sure this will work. Not as-is, at least.”
To my immense satisfaction, he took the bait.
“Well…” The broker flipped through the folder he was holding. “I can throw in an extra, magical client species. Free of charge! This world has a pretty strong mana field. They can fix a lot of the problems for you.”
Now that was an unexpectedly good deal. “Hmm… Can they take any form I want?”
“Of course!”
“Ponies, then.”
“Oh, uh… Yeah, why not? Wouldn’t you prefer something with hands, though?”
“I’m kinda fixated on equines at the moment,” I said, waggling a hoof at him.
“Consider it done,” he said. Then he winked, “Pending final signatures, of course.”
“Of course,” I echoed. I manifested a pair of wings and glided down to the earth, frowning as my hooves hit the surface. “Soil needs some work. Especially if there’s a client species I need to feed.”
He cleared his throat and loosened his tie a little. “Well, how about you specialize your client species?”
“Meaning?”
“Divide them into thirds. Some work on the weather, some on moving the sun and moon around, and some on making the soil better.”
I hate to admit it, but that never would have crossed my mind. “Huh. That could work.” I glanced over at him and saw that he was getting excited, and I realized that I’d let too much of my enthusiasm show through. “Going to be a lot of work. It'll be pretty annoying, having to manage all that by myself.”
He shrugged. “Anything worth doing is going to be difficult.”
“Well, how about this. Throw in a minor demigod, maybe two, to manage things for me, knock ten percent off of the list price, and you’ve got yourself a deal.”
A quick check through the folder was followed by another sigh. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’d accept the price, but not with the demigods. I’m already too far in the hole on this property as-is.”
That almost sounded like honesty. I concealed my shock and arched an eyebrow. “Oh, really?”
“Yeah. This property has been languishing for a while, so I’m willing to take a little bit of a loss just to get rid of it. But even a single demigod is too much. I’d rather just write it off as a total loss, honestly.”
Well, we couldn’t have that. I thought about it for a while. “I suppose I could just pick a couple of the client species and raise them up myself. Would take a few centuries, but it’s do-able.”
“Good, good!” The broker flipped once again through his folder. “Oh, I almost forgot. This world also has a Harmony system installed. One of the older ones—Crystal Tree, type IV—but it still works great!”
“Huh. Neat.”
“So, do we have a deal? Ten percent under list, client species thrown in?” The broker stretched out one of his hands.
“Sure, why not?” I said. I bumped the hand with a hoof and grinned. “I even have the perfect name already picked out.”
No title case? Not making a strong first impression.
That being said, this was actually quite enjoyable. Certainly one of the more novel “creation of Equestria” stories I’ve ever read. The opening is a bit disorienting, what with both hands and clouds, but since you had twenty words left to work with, there wasn’t much more you could do there. I look forward to seeing this one expanded. Especially if you add a few rejected universes before it.
That being said, this was actually quite enjoyable. Certainly one of the more novel “creation of Equestria” stories I’ve ever read. The opening is a bit disorienting, what with both hands and clouds, but since you had twenty words left to work with, there wasn’t much more you could do there. I look forward to seeing this one expanded. Especially if you add a few rejected universes before it.
I agree:
With the above comments--very nice stuff. One thing I'd like to suggestion for an expansion would be some details about the narrator's actual internal reactions to the property being discussed. We can get an awful lot of information about the character that way: how does the narrator describe the smell of the place, the look of the place, the way its air tousles his or her mane? Make us see and feel the love the narrator has for the place even while that love is being hidden from the broker.
Mike
With the above comments--very nice stuff. One thing I'd like to suggestion for an expansion would be some details about the narrator's actual internal reactions to the property being discussed. We can get an awful lot of information about the character that way: how does the narrator describe the smell of the place, the look of the place, the way its air tousles his or her mane? Make us see and feel the love the narrator has for the place even while that love is being hidden from the broker.
Mike
Well, this was fun. Kinda reminded me of Discworld, in a vague sort of way.
My only suggestion would be to reveal just who the 'buyer' is-- maybe not a full 'By the way, my name's Lauren Fausticorn' but maybe a bit more of a hint.
My only suggestion would be to reveal just who the 'buyer' is-- maybe not a full 'By the way, my name's Lauren Fausticorn' but maybe a bit more of a hint.
I really don't have a lot to say, other than I had a lot of fun with this one. It's clever and funny, and it even manages to develop its characters pretty darn well over the course of a minific. This is definitely going towards the top of my slate.
"And that's how Equestria was made!"
...No, seriously. I enjoyed the reveal and I thought it was clever overall. What could have made it stronger would be to give the story more... I dunno, velocity? Stakes? Something like that. As it is, this is basically a creation myth, but told without the usual gravitas that comes with that kind of scenario, which would have been good even as a nod or reference or something. I suppose in the end I'm left wanting more, but not in the sense of wanting a sequel--I wish this had been a bit more fleshed out.
Tier: Almost There
...No, seriously. I enjoyed the reveal and I thought it was clever overall. What could have made it stronger would be to give the story more... I dunno, velocity? Stakes? Something like that. As it is, this is basically a creation myth, but told without the usual gravitas that comes with that kind of scenario, which would have been good even as a nod or reference or something. I suppose in the end I'm left wanting more, but not in the sense of wanting a sequel--I wish this had been a bit more fleshed out.
Tier: Almost There
So, uh, who exactly is the buyer?
Also, what about Discord? Or Sombra? Or... well, any of the villains, really? I dunno, I guess they're not exactly important to what's going on here, but I'd like to have some idea why they're around to screw with stuff.
Still, this is a very interesting idea, and I do like what you've got.
Also, what about Discord? Or Sombra? Or... well, any of the villains, really? I dunno, I guess they're not exactly important to what's going on here, but I'd like to have some idea why they're around to screw with stuff.
Still, this is a very interesting idea, and I do like what you've got.
>>Not_A_Hat
Obviously it is THE FAUST. Hence why the salesman wants to get rid of it so bad, because the salesman is THE HASBRO needing return on its investments!
Obviously it is THE FAUST. Hence why the salesman wants to get rid of it so bad, because the salesman is THE HASBRO needing return on its investments!
Thanks for the reviews, everyone! I really had a fun time with this. I also had an idea on how to expand this a little, and may be releasing it as a stand-alone in a few days.