Alas:

With the AppleDash contest, Jake the Army Guy's contest, and Shrink Laureate's Season 10 Bingo contest all wanting stories by the end of the month, my Pony writing time is pretty much full up for the next couple weeks...

Mike

>>Baal Bunny
Surely you can spend a couple hours over the weekend making a short short, right?

>>Zaid Val'Roa

But it's not:

The writing. It's then reading the other entries, then wracking the thimbles and baling wire that I call my brains to come up with something useful to say about them while deliberating within the aforementioned thimbles and baling wire to rank the stories. The writing's the easy part of the Writeoff. It's the peripherals afterward that take up so much time.

Which I guess is why so few people comment on stuff anymore...

Mike

I just realized there is also an Original Round coming up Feb 10. Quite a surprise.

...Gosh, this weekend is trying to mess with me, isn't it? I have assignments to do, but at the same time, I need to Climb out of the Pit I digged myself into last FiSS round (I'm in the negatives). But, also, my mind is wanting to have a stab at the Original Also.

Idk... It's quite a gamble.

Seems like Risky Business...

Let's get it.

Sorry folks, I'm not ready to come back just yet. Soon though.

Good luck to the participants that have cute faces (which is all of you).

>>PinoyPony
I’m glad you made it in! I’ll get the old reviewin’ engine revved up here before long.

>>No_Raisin
Why must you tease my heart, Raisin-Chan? D:

>>Miller Minus
We await your return with vigilance, in keeping with the prophecy. So let it be written. So let it be done.

>>CoffeeMinion

I didn't get it. :(

Technical issues first:

It should be "princesses emeritae" since "princesses" is feminine plural and "ae" is the feminine plural ending in Latin. "Were it not for the relinquishment of my powers, the rind of the moon shall render asunder thy plump posterior!" - this sort of contrary-to-fact conditional statement ought to employ the subjunctive: "would render asunder" or "should render asunder". "when the days are fairer" should be past tense: "when the days were fairer". "their dictums" - since this is Luna talking, I'd prefer that she use "dicta," the correct old Latin plural for the word. "I’ve already acquired all publishing rights for this book already!" - uses the word "already" twice, and how can she acquire the rights to a book that hasn't been written yet? "shall have their plump posteriors render asunder by the rind of the moon!" - should be "rendered". And the last line of the story, being a question, should end with a question mark.

There's also an exchange in the middle where Celestia says, "I had intended this retirement to be a solo venture." But Luna then says three paragraphs later, "Why do you think I suggested this for you in the first place?" It sounds to me like they're each claiming to have originated the idea of retirement and that they'd each only meant for Celestia to retire. So that confused me.

But then, the whole story confused me. From the title and the talk in the middle about the rituals Twilight observed "beyond the Crystal Mirror," I'm guessing that the story wants to be a parody of organized religion, but I'm not sure about that at all. A better approach to that sort of thing might be Twilight confronting Celestia and Luna after they've written this book and it's spawned some sort of cult that Twilight's trying to get a handle on. As the story's structured now, it's really missing the mark for me...

Mike

Technical issues first:

"A squeaky voice exclaimed from the inside." - since this is a dialogue tag, "a" should be lower case. The same problem occurs with "She shouted before bounding out from behind her desk."--"she shouted" should be lower case--and in other places throughout the story. When you've got an action tag, one that doesn't use a speaking verb, then you capitalize it. But tags with speaking verbs should have their subjects in lower case unless it's a character's name. Also, the punctuation is consistently wrong in the dialogue: “I’m afraid.” Sandbar said. should be “I’m afraid,” Sandbar said. with a comma before the close quote instead of a period. "since Gallus discovered stairs" - it was Silverstream who was so excited about stairs.

Also, the line Pinkie snickered “They wouldn’t laugh at you. If anything, I don’t find anything about that funny at all.” needs a period after "snickered," and why is she snickering if she doesn't find anything funny at all? “The worse thing you can do is not ask.” Pinkie said. - Again, a comma instead of a period before the close quote since there's a speaking verb in the tag, and "worse" is the comparative form when it should be the superlative "worst."

The story itself is fine, though in the "She's All Yak" episode itself, there's no time for this to happen. They all find out about the dance at the beginning of the opening scene, and Sandbar asks Yona to go with him before the scene's over. Maybe this could be for their first actual date, Sandbar wanting to ask Yona to dinner and a movie down in Ponyville or something?

Mike

First Impressions:

“No, Spike… this is fiscally responsible!”

This made my day.

Now the Formal Review:

To dive right in,

Spike’s POV when Twilight- er… Twilights? Is Twilighting? Is a great touch. He picks up on the slightest idiosyncrasies of Twilight that precede her freaking out.

Now, onto the meat of the story.

I got a little confused in the middle. To be careful in my footing (like Spike,) my confession is that I have less than decent comprehension skills (you will see this later).

First, when Spike is levitated into Mayor Mare’s office, I wonder what Twilight was doing already there. I’m guessing I’m missing a link when I say that ‘wasn’t she supposed to be in Canterlot, making sure the incriminating documents are in place and then returned before they were missed?’

Secondly, setting the first bit of confusion aside, I get the fact that she was caught in the act with Spike, but why wouldn’t she tell him to get away before he becomes an accomplice? To me, getting him involved was one thing- somewhat OOC for Twilight, but ‘Twilighting’ gives it a pass. But, to me, bringing Spike into the office when they get busted is way far on left field (I’m not sure if that baseball metaphor is correct).

It seems to me that the Twilighting is apparent in the first sentence, but goes away (switches off like a light once she starts talking with Mayor mare):

But her clenched jaw and widened eyes were no comfort at all.

Versus

“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.

Next, is a sentence that made me need to re-read the whole thing over again:

Twilight tried to form words, but all that came out was a salad.

Somehow, someway, A salad comes out of Twilight’s mouth? Forgive me if there is another definition of salad I’m unaware of. If I get what you are trying to say however, is that she was having trouble forming the words because Mayor Mare surprised them. However, that is after Twilight formed the sentence:

“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.

If she was able to form a sentence on the spot (not to mention she’s initially flustered), then why would she have a hard time forming the one after that? [/spoiler]

Idk… it’s just me. Take this with a grain of salt. I’m not exactly good at reviewing yet.

But, on the other side of the coin, Don’t take that huge block of text of negativity too seriously. I genuinely liked this piece. Like I said, Spike’s view of Twilighting and him being dragged into her shenanigans is certainly a good concept. That, and tax embezzler Granny Smith was a good finale. Now… by what she meant by lawyer this side of Tartarus, I wonder if this could turn into a Phoenix Wright versus literal demons type of fiction?

Thanks for Writing!

No technical issues:

Leaped out at me in this one, and I can actually track the story from beginning to end!

I'd like some resolution to the situation, of course--maybe Twilight can threaten to tell Applejack about Granny's dishonesty, and Granny folds rather than risk the searing power of AJ's Single Raised Eyebrow of Scorn. It's a great set-up, but craving closure. I'm left a little itchy at the end.

Mike

First Impressions:

I’m always in for a good Yona and Sandbar Ship.

Now the Formal Review:

The good stuff is that I enjoyed the scene where Pinkie was role-playing as Yona. Again, you’ve chipped into my tastes.
However, there are a lot of technical issues, such as punctuation, capitalizing in the wrong places. And also,

We should go and rescue her immedi-¬”

This bugged me for some strange reason.

Next, is the pacing. I may not know what I’m talking about, but it seems to me that the pacing is suffering. This is happening all way to too quickly. Sandbar yields his thoughts almost instantly― it takes a little while to open up and be willing to express how the feel, let alone be vulnerable. I suppose Pinkie can generate ideas rather quickly, but it seems a teensy bit rushed. Lastly, Sandbar seems to bolt for the door before taking a breath of relief, or taking in the moment of thinking ‘Wow. I just did that.’

I don’t know, that’s just probably me. I’m still learning how to review, so take this with a grain of salt.

Thanks for Writing!

First Impressions:

Uncouth Luna is a mood.

Now the Formal Review:

Baal beat me to it, so I figured I send it out now.

Good take on Tia and Luna bored out of their minds while retired. My assumption is that they were enjoying time in paradise with no tasks whatsoever. But the details of a person (or pony) missing their daily routine of work after retirement is another plotline of its own.

I do have a couple of problems. Not with your prose― that is solid as steel. My problem is self-inflicted. As I said in another review, my comprehension skills are less than decent. If I’m missing something obvious, forgive me.

My first questions have to do with the book. I am with Baal on the fact that the type of book is unclear. Is it a songbook? Is it a book that contains law? Is it an arcane spell book? I am little confused there.

I like the playfulness of Tia and Luna writing down whatsoever they wish for the sole purpose of messing with each other and the (laws of Equestria apparently?). That part was good. Sometimes, the characters need to let loose a little. Have some fun.
On the final note, the Punchline went over my head. Sorry. I don’t know what Luster Dawn and Twilight have to do with the first scene. I’m getting the vibe that Luna and Tia have published the book and Twilight wants to keep the book in the forbidden section because of its contents, but that may be completely off also.

As always, take this with a grain of salt. I’m don’t know exactly what I’m doing most times.

Thanks for Writing!

I'll admit, despite having only three entries to review this time around, every one of these stories isn't exactly in my reviewing wheelhouse, my own included. Regardless, I'll try my best to give some substantial feedback as per usual.

So, this is a lighthearted comedy about Celestia and Luna creating some sort of religion, I guess? I do concur with my fellow reviewers above that it does seem a bit unclear about what our two princesses are doing with the book, though in a sense I guess the princesses don't really know what to do with it either. I do like the playfulness of the two though— the dialogue in general is just fun all around, and is definitely the main highlight of the story.

One gripe I do have with is that the story does feel a bit rushed as it neared its end. Case in point, the decision of sending the book to Twilight for reviewing does come about quite abruptly. I feel like there's a little bit more that could be done also to have the ending serve Celestia and Luna more than it's doing currently. You know, make it a bit more personal to them, give the story a sense of purpose beyond this scene. Either way, I think most of my issues with this could definitely be solved with a more robust word count, fellow Author. Wouldn't mind reading an extended version of this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This one's pretty charming, as far as stories go. I'll admit, I'm not particularly keen on stories focusing on the Young Six, so as good as their stories can be, it's not something that I'm readily invested in, meaning it'll take time for me to really appreciate what's in store for me.

After a few reads, I'll come out and say that the narrative's pretty decent. Rather straightforward as well. It certainly was a pleasant read while it lasted, though I do wish it strove to achieve something further than just telling the tale at hand. Right now, it just feels a bit too safe for my liking, like it's an excerpt from the script that didn't make the cutting room floor. There's nothing wrong with being safe, of course⁠⁠⁠—I just think that with this current iteration, it currently feels a bit too nondescript.

The prose, though paced evenly, feels rather stiff and wooden, mostly because it's really just telling every action and reaction that both of our characters are doing. It feels very instructive, like a script or a manual of sorts. I guess what I want to see is a more vivid picture of the emotions that both Sandbar and Pinkie are going through. You know, be a little playful with how you're describing the unfolding chain of events. Maybe capture not what they're doing exactly but what they themselves perceive they're doing, something like how Pinkie sees her own laughter might be different from how Sandbar sees it, that kind of thing.

Anyways, this definitely has heart, dear Author, no doubt about it. I just think it needs a bit more focus and refinement for it to really make itself special.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

OMG, it's an advice animal meme in 2020. Retro is cool but this is retro!

I like the cute, chubby Ponker here. This seems like a good encapsulation of the fic, too. Overall a bit simple in composition but gets the job done.

This is cool. It isn't immediately clear to me from the picture whether this is a physical object or a drawing, but I'm good either way. I think it's a picture of a physical object, though, which is great. I'd be curious to know if this was fully custom-made for this contest, or what its origins might be.

Regardless: this feels fitting for the religious aspects brought forth in the fic it is for. It seems fairly nonspecific about tying to a particular creed or background, but it also has overtones of sacredness. Definitely a strong piece that I'd like to know more about.

It wasn't until >>CoffeeMinion pointed out that this has a religious aspect to it that I saw the connection. Loose, but still a connection. My first impression is that this was a wind chime (I've been spending wayyy too long trying to review pics from the OF round) that you would find at an home improvement/decor store. It's a little up in the air whether this is a photo or a drawing though.

As for the critique of this, if it is indeed a drawing, then nice job with the shading of the stained glass. If it is a Photo, then also nice job on capturing the lighting. The faint creases (are they creases though?) I see to the sides it may be stylistic, but bug me a little, it kinda rips me away from the immersion of the piece and tells me- something is not quite right (like a hair out of place)

On that note, one last question comes to mind- if it is a wind chime (and I've seen wind chimes looking like this before), how bad has Celestia and Luna altered the realities?

Thanks for submitting!

Honorary Yak Pinkie is Best Advice Pinkie.

You got me good! Memes are the prime staple of internet life. I feel like posting this around just to take people back to the retro days of the internet, plus the message in the fic and the message in the pic match. It may be silly, but who knows? Somebody might follow Sandbar's hoof-steps and go ask out that person that they are terrified to ask in the first place..

Kinda hard to judge and weigh against the other entry though. Geez... both rounds are hard to weigh-in on the slate.

I have no room to add ideas for improvement either since this accomplishes what it is set out to do

Thanks for submitting!

I have fic reviews in the works that are running late and there’s no stopping the lateness at this point. Will post. Honest.

Making my best effort to review this as if I don’t know who wrote it, how it placed, et cetera. Apologies for the late review. It’s been a week here.

I have to confess that I really enjoyed She’s All Yak. Getting to see Yona stumble through her own expectations of a maybe-date, as well as the expectations she perceived from pony culture, set up Sandbar and Yona for a simple but sweet story of growing together as maybe-friends/maybe-a-couple. It also offered a vicarious way to enjoy the Pinkie X Rutherford crackship that was clearly never going to happen (even though I still say it could’ve worked). So when I see this story filling in the background for that episode from Sandbar’s perspective, it starts out with automatic goodwill from me purely in terms of topic selection. This is the fanfiction that I came here to read, please and thank you!

Where this falters for me is in its gravitas as a scene that would’ve fit alongside the rest of the episode. Don’t get me wrong: it’s imminently functional, in that it takes a logical moment and plays it from start to finish in a way that makes total sense and could’ve fit. Sandbar’s hesitation feels authentic, and I like the setup with Pinkie having him role-play asking Yona out. I also like how it retains some ambiguity at the end about what Sandbar’s true feelings toward Yona are. There’s ample room for them to figure out where they stand with each other, both as a potential couple and in how that might work inside pony & yak culture.

But again, I feel like the gravitas comes up short on a couple of points. One is on the question of Sandbar’s feelings heading into the conversation, and the other is on Pinkie’s overall “zany” portrayal.

I said a moment ago that I like how Sandbar isn’t maybe fully sure at the end whether he likes Yona, or whether he like-likes her. That’s great! Thing is, we don’t get much of a sense of what his internal state looks like towards the beginning, either. I realize that the central thrust of this scene is Sandbar seeking advice from Pinkie to overcome his fear and do what he already wants to do, but at no point do we get a clear vision of why. Pinkie seems to assume that “She would never say ‘no’. She’s your friend!” -- but in going down that road, the story sidesteps the question of what Sandbar’s feelings toward Yona actually look like. There’s a brief aside where he thinks of her as cute, and says “She didn’t get angry that much… and when she did, it was quick, and didn’t do much damage” -- but this only paints around how he might feel in the vaguest of terms. If Sandbar thinks Yona is cute, I’d love to see that manifest itself in him thinking about what parts or aspects of her bring that feeling to life. Let the lad’s pulse race a little, or get some sweat going--by all means keep it at an agreeable content rating, but show us that there are effects of the attraction in both his body and mind. And if he’s got complicated feelings about that attraction because she’s (let’s be blunt) of a different species than he is… well, call that out! Let him struggle for us. There’s good ficcage to be had in that.

I also mentioned some quibbles with how Pinkie is depicted in this. I have strong views about balancing Pinkie’s often zany exterior with a more introspective core of self-doubt and over-eagerness to please. But apart from those personal views, I do feel this tended to lean more into her surface wackiness to the detriment of driving a deeper emotional connection between her and Sandbar. Not that there’s anything wrong with Pinkie being wacky, but when I bump into a line like: “Sandbar took a deep breath and smiled at Pinkie’s antics. Just classic Professor Pinkie being Professor Pinkie” -- I start turning a more critical eye on whether that angle on her character fits with the rest of the story’s tone and direction. E.g., in something going for broader/crackier comedy, it might make sense for Pinkie to be as off-the-wall as possible; but I see this more as a moment when Sandbar is letting his guard down emotionally, and it feels like there’s deeper potential in Pinkie doing the same.

Again-again, though: I liked this. It’s complete, it’s pretty clean, and it absolutely works. I dig in with some critique because I feel like it could be tuned up to work better, but that doesn’t detract from what’s here now.

Apparently, I've left this review in the same place where I left my car keys in a rusting locker in the fifth circle of hell, though it was kindly returned to me by unspecified, gallinaceous means. Couldn't get it out in time before the round was over, but here it is anyway.

Comedy never really was my forte when it comes to reviewing, so it's no surprise that I'm not as invested in all these stories, mine included, as I should be. Nevertheless, this was definitely a fun read. A fun romp with a bit of a mystery twisted within it. I'm inclined to believe that everything we're seeing here was only the tip of the iceberg, and that this will only be the beginning of a grander conspiracy at play

Not sure what criticisms I'd level against this entry. I guess what I'm hoping for is for this entry to have a goal that feels more purposeful? Then again, that's pretty much how I feel about all our entries anyway. Still doesn't take away from the story and the fact that I enjoyed reading this. Wouldn't mind seeing where this could go should you expand it.

Thanks for writing, and good luck congratulations on the gold!

Making my best effort to review this as if I don’t know who wrote it, how it placed, et cetera. Apologies for the late review. It’s been a week here.

One thing I like here is the initial chemistry/charisma between Celestia & Luna. It’s fun to see them looking for antics to get up to post-retirement. I’m also intrigued to see the story bringing in aspects of Earth-like religions in the EqD world. This is something that I’ve done before myself and absolutely intend to continue doing because I think there’s deep and less-obvious value in exploring such things. The concept of these two sitting down and writing a holy book for themselves is funny, irreverent, and strong with potential.

I think where this breaks down for me is that there isn’t a lot of scene-setting, movement, or other compositional diversity. I scribbled the phrase “Talking Heads of the Divine” at some point while I was reading this, and I keep coming back to it as a summary of where I’m at. I like what the concept is doing, and I think it sets up the ending reasonably well, but I’d love to see the dialogue broken-up with other elements.

Granted, it’s a dialogue-heavy story, and there’s nothing wrong with that per se. Just if we’re checking in on these characters and their world after they’ve been away for a while, it’d be enjoyable to see more of where they are and what they’ve been up to.

I'd like to thank the academy folks for giving me my second-ever gold with this story! That reminds me, I still need to go back and retro my last one, All The Way Down. But I think that's going to be much easier now than it was when I wrote it, because this was much more in-line with what I was trying to write when I wrote that.

No, seriously, All The Way Down was an attempt to write this story, only it went off the rails pretty badly. I was given the title and basic premise for The Bureaumancer by FimFiction user SIGAWESOME a couple years ago, I and squirreled it away in my idea document, hoping to find the right time/place/inspiration to make it happen. Lately it seems like I've had decent luck opening my idea document, grabbing the top item on the pile, and turning it into a story; this was another one of those. The Bureaumancer as-written was a more faithful and straightforward run at the idea of Mayor Mare being older than she seemed, with some light comic hijinks spiraling out from that. In contrast, All The Way Down might've turned into a story of Vinyl trying to blackmail/extort money out of Mayor Mare after discovering her secret... except that would've made for a much more serious, dramatic, and long story than I had time to do during that Writeoff. Somehow I (arguably) managed to land All The Way Down by having Discord randomly walk by; but this was of course a terrible decision from a storytelling perspective, and I was determined to keep this attempt at The Bureaumancer much more grounded, direct, and light. Spike-as-straight-man quickly emerged as a perspective character who could help play-up the absurdity swirling around him, whereas I found Vinyl's wilder side in All The Way Down kept pulling her towards self-assessment and contemplation of serious change.

Personally, I feel like one of the bigger failings of this is that no one changes, and no one has to change; it just hangs its hat on a couple of easy jokes. That's not bad per se, but it undercuts how thought-provoking this might be to the point where it's less of a story and more like those Yoplait Whip cups--it delivers sugar and oxygen with a veneer of nutritiousness by masquerading as yogurt.

Something like that.

>>PinoyPony
Your comments made me smile, so thank you!

The "salad" line was me trying to say that Twilight spoke a "word salad," or a pile of gibberish. Unfortunately this fell victim to a bit of rough accommodation of the word limit. I thought I was getting by well enough with that line, but evidently not; I'll have to re-hydrate it.

I'll also agree that the mechanics of the middle section could be clearer. The idea was supposed to be that Twilight was leading Mayor Mare away from the office, except Mayor Mare knew something was up and dragged Twilight back to wait with her until she figured it out. This would only work by virtue of Mayor Mare's boosted magical prowess that she'd gained through making a pact with dark powers, but of course I didn't actually spell that out. By that same token, the force that grabbed Spike was supposed to be from Mayor Mare, who had finally figured out what the pair were up to.

I also see that I wrote Twilight's intentions kind of weird there, so thank you for pointing that out!

>>Baal Bunny
I like the idea of expanding the end. Right now it's just meant to cap things off with a good-enough resolution to the story's main action, while incorporating a small comedic sting. But yes, absolutely, it might work even better by playing things out a bit more. Thank you!

>>WritingSpirit
Better a late review, late retro, or late whatever, than nothing!

I'm glad this was enjoyable. I hear you loud and clear about this lacking purpose, though. Right now the aspect of Mayor Mare being in thrall to dark powers is played purely for a few light chuckles; whereas this could have more oomph if she had clearer motivation, or if that ended up mattering for more than just a couple jokes. I'll have to do a bit of work on this before taking it to FimFiction, but thank you for calling out a place where I can improve it!

Thank you >>PinoyPony for your comment! This was tons of fun to make. It’s my first actual vector of a pony, and I’m happy with how it turned out. For the record, I didn’t trace anything, though you can bet your bottom dollar that my eyes were glued to my reference pics from the show and MLP Movie. I also eventually gave up on trying to eyeball colors (a dubious prospect given my partial colorblindness) and just eyedropper-selected them off the refs. If this is grounds for summary dismissal, let me know. But it was neat looking closely at my references and trying to decompose them into vectorable shapes—perhaps a basic exercise for some, but satisfying for a hardcore n00b like me.

I’ll have to put the original image without text up on my DeviantArt. Can Advice Pinkie become a new meme for a new decade? Probably not, but at least she’s having a good time!

>>CoffeeMinion
If you do happen to post it on DA, can you send the link?

Mostly with what I covered, I can already see the grammatical and pacing errors, so I won’t cover my faux-review. Sorry, I’m trying to get this out ASAP since the event is over, and it’s better I don’t procrastinate.

>>Baal Bunny

Thank you pointing out particular problems. This may be short, but most of these are easy fixes, even so far as fixing this to the time of after the amity ball, on a future date (no pun intended). I tried to swing around before the amity ball because Sandbar seemed to act fairly calm (he must’ve had some practice), but I think it would be better to swing it around their official first date.
As the odds and ends, the things you’ve pointed out regarding to technical errors such as Pinkie laughing when telling Sandbar “I don’t find that funny at all…” is a good catch. Also, I might need to brush up on my dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are my kryptonite.

Thanks for reviewing!

>>WritingSpirit

I really should put “make things less wooden” at the top of my list of things to improve. It seems that the topic has come up more than once and by the same person. So, I guess this is a loaded question, but is there something that I should look over to correct this? You’ve seemed to notice it, and I think the other writers notice it as well. I don’t want it to slip past again, so I wonder, what is the best way to tackle such a problem? If it’s not too much trouble, do you know any examples I can look at and emulate so I can break this bad habit for once and for all?

Thanks for reviewing!

>>CoffeeMinion

This comment is super helpful! Thank you!

What I said to Baal highly applies here- particularly the topic regarding the matter of how it supposed to fit in an episode-type sense. Obviously, the whole thing doesn’t fit in the canon of the show if I place the events to pre-Amity, but Baal made a great suggestion to place it on their next “official” first date.

I see what you mean. Pinkie seems overly zany in this piece. I should tone that down a bit. Seems like the embellishment of her personality can be likely, but also fits in the OOC category if I’m not careful. I still got some things to learn if I’m going to do a fairly accurate portrayal of Ponk. Luckily, you gave me a few pointers about balance (self-doubt or eagerness to please), so I’ll give it a shot sometime.

On the Sandbar side of things, I also have yet to master his portrayal. Fortunately, I had a little leeway with the perspective of his thoughts, but then again, the lack of elaboration (Hitting the upper word limit didn’t do me any favors) caused failure in delivery. As you said, let his heart race, show clear signs of attraction! Plus, the addition with the angst of how they are… different species can be a great topic to bring up.

As an after-thought, going back to a point from before, maybe I can place the events before their first “official” date, and do both the ambiguity of whether Sandbar sees Yona as a friend or a lover. Before Amity, he probably sees her more as a friend (hence the reason why he didn’t have any hesitation approaching her, but post-Amity, after getting to know her a little better, maybe feelings of attraction surfaced, and now he’s unsure of himself- thus dealing with interpreting what his feelings mean and how to manage them (the fact of it being an interspecies relationship only complicates it further).

Thanks for pointers to take steps in the right direction for the tune-up!

Lastly, thank you for the art! It’s sure a boost in morale when an artist makes a pic of your fic!

>>PinoyPony
Well, I'm of the mind that in the pursuit of learning, no question is loaded. Not to mention that it's only fair I do my best to answer that question given how critical I was of this particular aspect whenever it pops up. I should say though, despite being similar, my issues with Hearth & Home are vastly different from my issues with this story.

Hearth & Home, my key gripe was regarding the dialogue and how it feels manufactured for the purpose of the story alone. There's a lot for me to say on this, but all the best advice I can give you has been boiled down to this blog post, particularly the one about reading your dialogue aloud. If there's anything I'd like to add to that list, it's also that a) sometimes people don't really mean what they say, and b) silence can sometimes speak volumes.

I would also like to add something else beyond just making it natural. Personally when I write, I treat every line of dialogue with an in-universe reason i.e. why the character is saying this line within the context of the story. Put it simply, a dialogue is an extension of the character trying to achieve something in the span of that scene. It's something that I've taken to thanks to reading theatre scripts and screenplays, so I'll try my best to be brief about it.

Let's use Pinkie and her Mother as an example. Let's give them a simple scene, say, Pinkie wants a cookie from a jar but her Mother, who had hidden the jar, is against it. The dialogue between them would then be an exchange to see who achieves their objective by the end of the scene and the tactics of they go about it.

Pinkie would probably begin with just straight up asking her Mother first. In return, her Mother says no.

That didn't work, so Pinkie switches gears. Maybe by asking her Mother "Why not?" She wants her mother to explain her reason why. Her Mother, in response, would probably proceed to remind Pinkie about the five other jars of cookies she had finished the night before.

Still didn't work. Change tactics again. Perhaps Pinkie would proceed to justify it? Or maybe obfuscate the truth by saying it wasn't exactly five jars? Maybe she just begs to have just one more cookie? Or maybe bemoan about how her Father would've given the cookie if he were here.

That's basically dialogue in a nutshell. Note that not every exchange has to be confrontational. It's just a matter of understanding what your characters really want once they come away from their conversation. It may not be conventional as advice goes, but it'll certainly help give their voices a grounded, more deeper sense of purpose in addition to making them sound natural.

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Now, for the issue I had with this story, ergo the prose.

Prose is a trickier beast to nail down. It's somewhere along the lines of the advice above but in a different coat of paint. However, were it up to me, I'd usually start by being more picky about what words to use to capture perfectly what I want to depict. Give it a visual flair. After all, there's a stark difference when saying something is 'big' compared to saying something is 'humongous'. Similarly, instead of something like 'Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off', just show us how that looks like. Maybe something like 'Pinkie leaped into a burst of confetti'.

Rhythm also plays a part in the best stories. When I mention how something is stiff and wooden, I'm usually referring to this particular aspect lacking variation in the story. It's mainly just playing around with your sentences and punctuations to find the best fit. Take this section from above, for example:

Her smirk twisted as her tongue peeked out of her lips, like she was thinking deeply about something. She grabbed a nearby bulb and lifted it over her head. The bulb illuminated as her wide grin returned.

It's fine, though it certainly seems daunting to read. If I paced it out, it'll be something like this:

Her smirk twisted. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she reached back, before yanking out a lightbulb from her tail and placed it onto her head.

Ding. The brightest grin surged from Pinkie's face.

It's not perfect, but I think it helps give the story a bit of a spring in its step.

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Finally, I'll append that not every advice is absolute. What might work in one instance may not entirely work in another. Also, once again: that there's no such thing as a loaded question in the pursuit of learning. Sure, it might be a bit of a tiresome comment for me to type out, but if there's a chance you'd learn something from it by the end, it's worth a shot.

Thanks for writing!