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The Bureaumancer
The telltale signs of an impending freakout were clear: Twilight’s head cocked to the right, her muzzle curled upwards to the left, her brow furrowed, and her blinking came at an irregular cadence. It instantly sent Spike’s pulse into overdrive, and he took an instinctive step back over the threshold of Golden Oaks Library’s upper room, regardless of the tray of tea and scones clenched in his claws.
“Spike!” she blurted, shifting focus to him with startling suddenness. He shrank back under her gimlet gaze, but her magic gripped him before he could flee, tossing the tray to the floor and hauling him cheek-to-jowl next to her.
“Uh,” he managed.
She jerked her head toward one of the myriad tomes sitting open on the desk before them. “Tell me what you see.”
He didn’t bother; he knew better. “You found evidence about Starswirl the Bearded’s final resting place?” he guessed at random.
“What? No! Spike, don’t tease me like that. Look at this...” She hefted one of the books with her magic, and held it just a hair too close for Spike’s eyes to adjust.
Yet he pulled his head back and squinted, as he knew that the only way out of her madness was through it. “It looks like… some kind of ledger?”
“That’s right! This is a logbook from Ponyville’s tax authority, back when it was founded almost a century ago. Look at the date, though, and the presiding officer.”
The combination of awkward positioning and nigh-ancient chicken-scratch made this impossible. “Twilight, what’s going on?”
“It’s Mayor Mare, Spike! She signed off on the very first treasurer’s report after Ponyville was founded!”
Spike crinkled his nose. “She couldn’t have been in office that long ago.”
“But the record says otherwise. I… thought I’d do an impromptu tax audit of Ponyville after we got here. You know, to pass the time.”
“I think that’s called ‘meddling.’”
“Maybe.” A hot blush overtook her, and—thank Celestia!—her magic blinked out. “But Mayor Mare’s age isn’t the problem… I think she might’ve embezzled a lot of tax money.”
Spike scratched at his chin and considered this. At length, his mind worked its way toward an inexorable conclusion: “You’re not gonna eat any of the scones I baked, are you?”
To her credit, Twilight gave the scattered scones a guilty look. “Sorry, Spike, but I can’t leave this alone now that I know about it. Mayor Mare approved what amounts to a cover-up.”
“How airtight is your evidence?”
It was as if a light switch flipped in Twilight’s head. Spike’s frown deepened in proportion with the brimming smile that came to her muzzle. “I know how we can strengthen it! We just need to break into… er, investigate Mayor Mare’s office—”
“I’m out.”
“Yes, but—”
“I’m out, Twilight. This isn’t one of you and Shining’s Sibling Supreme contests… and I’m too beautiful for prison.”
“Use your dragonfire to send her filing cabinets to Canterlot,” Twilight said, eyes glinting. “We could have the nation’s top auditors standing ready to spot-check things, and a court mage could hold the channel open and teleport everything right back before Mayor Mare knows they’re missing.”
Spike grimaced at the realization that an executable plan had emerged from an otherwise semi-coherent bout of Twilighting. “This is risky!”
“No, Spike… this is fiscally responsible!”
Setting up the Canterlot side of the plan had been easy. Easy for Twilight, anyway. As Spike climbed claw-over-claw up the trellis leading to Mayor Mare’s office window, his tummy grumbled at the memory of belching forth more than a week’s worth of message-fire in just a couple of hours.
He paused, took a breath to calm himself, tried not to look down, and kept climbing.
One weakness of the plan was Twilight’s insistence on executing it in broad daylight. “No, that’s a strength,” she’d said, insisting that time was of the essence in blowing the lid off a decades-old conspiracy. “I’d have to find an excuse to meet with her off-hours. But if I catch her during the day, we can take a walk…”
Spike’s foothold slipped. He looked down on instinct, and felt another wave of queasiness flow into his stomach. The grass below was lush, the flowers a brilliant mix of color, and the onlookers who’d noticed his ascent seemed relatively few—yet they all swirled together in a dizzying brain stew that threatened to boil over. He dug in harder with his foreclaws, and managed to jam his hind claws into something.
He hung there for a moment, panting, trying not to think about what had just nearly happened.
Then a force of magical power clamped onto his midsection and tore his grip away with breakneck speed. He tried to shout but couldn’t for the sheer press of air around him. Up he went, clearing three more stories of Town Hall in an instant, shooting through an open window—
Spike dropped, gasping, on an austere blue carpet where the only other detail he could digest at first was four purple legs extending out of his field of vision. Soon he blinked, and focused, and looked up, seeing they belonged to Twilight. But her clenched jaw and widened eyes were no comfort at all.
“I never thought it would end this way,” Mayor Mare said. She sauntered out from behind her desk, letting Spike see a frown upon her muzzle that was tinged with sadness and anger. Yet somehow neither touched her eyes. “I never thought it’d end at all.”
“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.
“I was younger, in the beginning. Careless. Sloppy. If only I’d thought of a more creative name than ‘Mayor Mare,’ or maybe changed it every couple of decades.” She gave a humorless chuckle. “But now you know my secret, and you’re determined… what? To put a righteous end to an unholy revenant of state? Be warned, I will not cede power easily.”
Twilight tried to form words, but all that came out was a salad.
Spike sighed with exasperation at having to be the one showing grace under pressure this week. “Mayor Mare, let’s make this quick: have you or haven’t you embezzled a boatload of tax money over your… freakishly long existence?”
Her scowl deepened. “I would never steal from my public’s trust!” She paused, and raised a hoof. “I would complete dark rituals to bind my soul to a municipality, thus ensuring myself eternal life as long as I hold office within. But I would never exploit that for my own gain otherwise!”
“So that’s why you’ve opposed term limits,” Spike breathed. “All right then, how do you explain the irregularities that Twilight found? Something’s been wreaking havoc on Ponyville’s books since nearly the beginning.”
Mayor Mare blinked, seemingly dumbfounded for a moment. “Really?”
Spike shrugged. “That’s what Twilight said, anyway.”
After a moment of uncomfortable silence, one of Mayor Mare’s eyebrows shot up. “There’s only one other pony who’s been around since the beginning… who helped craft our tax laws… who I never would’ve guessed would cheat them.”
“But who?” Spike asked.
Mayor Mare’s eyes hardened. “Come on, youngsters… we have justice to serve.”
Granny Smith eyed the gathering clouds of red-black lighting—replete with the backlit shapes of two ponies and one tiny dragon—from her favorite rocker on the Apple Family’s porch.
“Took ya long enough, Marey,” she chuckled. “But listen well: y’all set a hoof on my property, and I’ll sic the most expensive lawyers this side o’Tartarus on ye!”
“Spike!” she blurted, shifting focus to him with startling suddenness. He shrank back under her gimlet gaze, but her magic gripped him before he could flee, tossing the tray to the floor and hauling him cheek-to-jowl next to her.
“Uh,” he managed.
She jerked her head toward one of the myriad tomes sitting open on the desk before them. “Tell me what you see.”
He didn’t bother; he knew better. “You found evidence about Starswirl the Bearded’s final resting place?” he guessed at random.
“What? No! Spike, don’t tease me like that. Look at this...” She hefted one of the books with her magic, and held it just a hair too close for Spike’s eyes to adjust.
Yet he pulled his head back and squinted, as he knew that the only way out of her madness was through it. “It looks like… some kind of ledger?”
“That’s right! This is a logbook from Ponyville’s tax authority, back when it was founded almost a century ago. Look at the date, though, and the presiding officer.”
The combination of awkward positioning and nigh-ancient chicken-scratch made this impossible. “Twilight, what’s going on?”
“It’s Mayor Mare, Spike! She signed off on the very first treasurer’s report after Ponyville was founded!”
Spike crinkled his nose. “She couldn’t have been in office that long ago.”
“But the record says otherwise. I… thought I’d do an impromptu tax audit of Ponyville after we got here. You know, to pass the time.”
“I think that’s called ‘meddling.’”
“Maybe.” A hot blush overtook her, and—thank Celestia!—her magic blinked out. “But Mayor Mare’s age isn’t the problem… I think she might’ve embezzled a lot of tax money.”
Spike scratched at his chin and considered this. At length, his mind worked its way toward an inexorable conclusion: “You’re not gonna eat any of the scones I baked, are you?”
To her credit, Twilight gave the scattered scones a guilty look. “Sorry, Spike, but I can’t leave this alone now that I know about it. Mayor Mare approved what amounts to a cover-up.”
“How airtight is your evidence?”
It was as if a light switch flipped in Twilight’s head. Spike’s frown deepened in proportion with the brimming smile that came to her muzzle. “I know how we can strengthen it! We just need to break into… er, investigate Mayor Mare’s office—”
“I’m out.”
“Yes, but—”
“I’m out, Twilight. This isn’t one of you and Shining’s Sibling Supreme contests… and I’m too beautiful for prison.”
“Use your dragonfire to send her filing cabinets to Canterlot,” Twilight said, eyes glinting. “We could have the nation’s top auditors standing ready to spot-check things, and a court mage could hold the channel open and teleport everything right back before Mayor Mare knows they’re missing.”
Spike grimaced at the realization that an executable plan had emerged from an otherwise semi-coherent bout of Twilighting. “This is risky!”
“No, Spike… this is fiscally responsible!”
Setting up the Canterlot side of the plan had been easy. Easy for Twilight, anyway. As Spike climbed claw-over-claw up the trellis leading to Mayor Mare’s office window, his tummy grumbled at the memory of belching forth more than a week’s worth of message-fire in just a couple of hours.
He paused, took a breath to calm himself, tried not to look down, and kept climbing.
One weakness of the plan was Twilight’s insistence on executing it in broad daylight. “No, that’s a strength,” she’d said, insisting that time was of the essence in blowing the lid off a decades-old conspiracy. “I’d have to find an excuse to meet with her off-hours. But if I catch her during the day, we can take a walk…”
Spike’s foothold slipped. He looked down on instinct, and felt another wave of queasiness flow into his stomach. The grass below was lush, the flowers a brilliant mix of color, and the onlookers who’d noticed his ascent seemed relatively few—yet they all swirled together in a dizzying brain stew that threatened to boil over. He dug in harder with his foreclaws, and managed to jam his hind claws into something.
He hung there for a moment, panting, trying not to think about what had just nearly happened.
Then a force of magical power clamped onto his midsection and tore his grip away with breakneck speed. He tried to shout but couldn’t for the sheer press of air around him. Up he went, clearing three more stories of Town Hall in an instant, shooting through an open window—
Spike dropped, gasping, on an austere blue carpet where the only other detail he could digest at first was four purple legs extending out of his field of vision. Soon he blinked, and focused, and looked up, seeing they belonged to Twilight. But her clenched jaw and widened eyes were no comfort at all.
“I never thought it would end this way,” Mayor Mare said. She sauntered out from behind her desk, letting Spike see a frown upon her muzzle that was tinged with sadness and anger. Yet somehow neither touched her eyes. “I never thought it’d end at all.”
“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.
“I was younger, in the beginning. Careless. Sloppy. If only I’d thought of a more creative name than ‘Mayor Mare,’ or maybe changed it every couple of decades.” She gave a humorless chuckle. “But now you know my secret, and you’re determined… what? To put a righteous end to an unholy revenant of state? Be warned, I will not cede power easily.”
Twilight tried to form words, but all that came out was a salad.
Spike sighed with exasperation at having to be the one showing grace under pressure this week. “Mayor Mare, let’s make this quick: have you or haven’t you embezzled a boatload of tax money over your… freakishly long existence?”
Her scowl deepened. “I would never steal from my public’s trust!” She paused, and raised a hoof. “I would complete dark rituals to bind my soul to a municipality, thus ensuring myself eternal life as long as I hold office within. But I would never exploit that for my own gain otherwise!”
“So that’s why you’ve opposed term limits,” Spike breathed. “All right then, how do you explain the irregularities that Twilight found? Something’s been wreaking havoc on Ponyville’s books since nearly the beginning.”
Mayor Mare blinked, seemingly dumbfounded for a moment. “Really?”
Spike shrugged. “That’s what Twilight said, anyway.”
After a moment of uncomfortable silence, one of Mayor Mare’s eyebrows shot up. “There’s only one other pony who’s been around since the beginning… who helped craft our tax laws… who I never would’ve guessed would cheat them.”
“But who?” Spike asked.
Mayor Mare’s eyes hardened. “Come on, youngsters… we have justice to serve.”
Granny Smith eyed the gathering clouds of red-black lighting—replete with the backlit shapes of two ponies and one tiny dragon—from her favorite rocker on the Apple Family’s porch.
“Took ya long enough, Marey,” she chuckled. “But listen well: y’all set a hoof on my property, and I’ll sic the most expensive lawyers this side o’Tartarus on ye!”
First Impressions:
This made my day.
Now the Formal Review:
To dive right in,
Spike’s POV when Twilight- er… Twilights? Is Twilighting? Is a great touch. He picks up on the slightest idiosyncrasies of Twilight that precede her freaking out.
Now, onto the meat of the story.
I got a little confused in the middle. To be careful in my footing (like Spike,) my confession is that I have less than decent comprehension skills (you will see this later).
First, when Spike is levitated into Mayor Mare’s office, I wonder what Twilight was doing already there. I’m guessing I’m missing a link when I say that ‘wasn’t she supposed to be in Canterlot, making sure the incriminating documents are in place and then returned before they were missed?’
Secondly, setting the first bit of confusion aside, I get the fact that she was caught in the act with Spike, but why wouldn’t she tell him to get away before he becomes an accomplice? To me, getting him involved was one thing- somewhat OOC for Twilight, but ‘Twilighting’ gives it a pass. But, to me, bringing Spike into the office when they get busted is way far on left field (I’m not sure if that baseball metaphor is correct).
It seems to me that the Twilighting is apparent in the first sentence, but goes away (switches off like a light once she starts talking with Mayor mare):
Versus
Next, is a sentence that made me need to re-read the whole thing over again:
Somehow, someway, A salad comes out of Twilight’s mouth? Forgive me if there is another definition of salad I’m unaware of. If I get what you are trying to say however, is that she was having trouble forming the words because Mayor Mare surprised them. However, that is after Twilight formed the sentence:
If she was able to form a sentence on the spot (not to mention she’s initially flustered), then why would she have a hard time forming the one after that? [/spoiler]
Idk… it’s just me. Take this with a grain of salt. I’m not exactly good at reviewing yet.
But, on the other side of the coin, Don’t take that huge block of text of negativity too seriously. I genuinely liked this piece. Like I said, Spike’s view of Twilighting and him being dragged into her shenanigans is certainly a good concept. That, and tax embezzler Granny Smith was a good finale. Now… by what she meant by lawyer this side of Tartarus, I wonder if this could turn into a Phoenix Wright versus literal demons type of fiction?
Thanks for Writing!
“No, Spike… this is fiscally responsible!”
This made my day.
Now the Formal Review:
To dive right in,
Spike’s POV when Twilight- er… Twilights? Is Twilighting? Is a great touch. He picks up on the slightest idiosyncrasies of Twilight that precede her freaking out.
Now, onto the meat of the story.
I got a little confused in the middle. To be careful in my footing (like Spike,) my confession is that I have less than decent comprehension skills (you will see this later).
First, when Spike is levitated into Mayor Mare’s office, I wonder what Twilight was doing already there. I’m guessing I’m missing a link when I say that ‘wasn’t she supposed to be in Canterlot, making sure the incriminating documents are in place and then returned before they were missed?’
Secondly, setting the first bit of confusion aside, I get the fact that she was caught in the act with Spike, but why wouldn’t she tell him to get away before he becomes an accomplice? To me, getting him involved was one thing- somewhat OOC for Twilight, but ‘Twilighting’ gives it a pass. But, to me, bringing Spike into the office when they get busted is way far on left field (I’m not sure if that baseball metaphor is correct).
It seems to me that the Twilighting is apparent in the first sentence, but goes away (switches off like a light once she starts talking with Mayor mare):
But her clenched jaw and widened eyes were no comfort at all.
Versus
“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.
Next, is a sentence that made me need to re-read the whole thing over again:
Twilight tried to form words, but all that came out was a salad.
Somehow, someway, A salad comes out of Twilight’s mouth? Forgive me if there is another definition of salad I’m unaware of. If I get what you are trying to say however, is that she was having trouble forming the words because Mayor Mare surprised them. However, that is after Twilight formed the sentence:
“Th—This doesn’t have to be an end,” Twilight stammered.
If she was able to form a sentence on the spot (not to mention she’s initially flustered), then why would she have a hard time forming the one after that? [/spoiler]
Idk… it’s just me. Take this with a grain of salt. I’m not exactly good at reviewing yet.
But, on the other side of the coin, Don’t take that huge block of text of negativity too seriously. I genuinely liked this piece. Like I said, Spike’s view of Twilighting and him being dragged into her shenanigans is certainly a good concept. That, and tax embezzler Granny Smith was a good finale. Now… by what she meant by lawyer this side of Tartarus, I wonder if this could turn into a Phoenix Wright versus literal demons type of fiction?
Thanks for Writing!
No technical issues:
Leaped out at me in this one, and I can actually track the story from beginning to end!
I'd like some resolution to the situation, of course--maybe Twilight can threaten to tell Applejack about Granny's dishonesty, and Granny folds rather than risk the searing power of AJ's Single Raised Eyebrow of Scorn. It's a great set-up, but craving closure. I'm left a little itchy at the end.
Mike
Leaped out at me in this one, and I can actually track the story from beginning to end!
I'd like some resolution to the situation, of course--maybe Twilight can threaten to tell Applejack about Granny's dishonesty, and Granny folds rather than risk the searing power of AJ's Single Raised Eyebrow of Scorn. It's a great set-up, but craving closure. I'm left a little itchy at the end.
Mike
Apparently, I've left this review in the same place where I left my car keys in a rusting locker in the fifth circle of hell, though it was kindly returned to me by unspecified, gallinaceous means. Couldn't get it out in time before the round was over, but here it is anyway.
Comedy never really was my forte when it comes to reviewing, so it's no surprise that I'm not as invested in all these stories, mine included, as I should be. Nevertheless, this was definitely a fun read. A fun romp with a bit of a mystery twisted within it. I'm inclined to believe that everything we're seeing here was only the tip of the iceberg, and that this will only be the beginning of a grander conspiracy at play
Not sure what criticisms I'd level against this entry. I guess what I'm hoping for is for this entry to have a goal that feels more purposeful? Then again, that's pretty much how I feel about all our entries anyway. Still doesn't take away from the story and the fact that I enjoyed reading this. Wouldn't mind seeing where this could go should you expand it.
Thanks for writing, andgood luck congratulations on the gold!
Comedy never really was my forte when it comes to reviewing, so it's no surprise that I'm not as invested in all these stories, mine included, as I should be. Nevertheless, this was definitely a fun read. A fun romp with a bit of a mystery twisted within it. I'm inclined to believe that everything we're seeing here was only the tip of the iceberg, and that this will only be the beginning of a grander conspiracy at play
Not sure what criticisms I'd level against this entry. I guess what I'm hoping for is for this entry to have a goal that feels more purposeful? Then again, that's pretty much how I feel about all our entries anyway. Still doesn't take away from the story and the fact that I enjoyed reading this. Wouldn't mind seeing where this could go should you expand it.
Thanks for writing, and
The Retromancer
I'd like to thank
No, seriously, All The Way Down was an attempt to write this story, only it went off the rails pretty badly. I was given the title and basic premise for The Bureaumancer by FimFiction user SIGAWESOME a couple years ago, I and squirreled it away in my idea document, hoping to find the right time/place/inspiration to make it happen. Lately it seems like I've had decent luck opening my idea document, grabbing the top item on the pile, and turning it into a story; this was another one of those. The Bureaumancer as-written was a more faithful and straightforward run at the idea of Mayor Mare being older than she seemed, with some light comic hijinks spiraling out from that. In contrast, All The Way Down might've turned into a story of Vinyl trying to blackmail/extort money out of Mayor Mare after discovering her secret... except that would've made for a much more serious, dramatic, and long story than I had time to do during that Writeoff. Somehow I (arguably) managed to land All The Way Down by having Discord randomly walk by; but this was of course a terrible decision from a storytelling perspective, and I was determined to keep this attempt at The Bureaumancer much more grounded, direct, and light. Spike-as-straight-man quickly emerged as a perspective character who could help play-up the absurdity swirling around him, whereas I found Vinyl's wilder side in All The Way Down kept pulling her towards self-assessment and contemplation of serious change.
Personally, I feel like one of the bigger failings of this is that no one changes, and no one has to change; it just hangs its hat on a couple of easy jokes. That's not bad per se, but it undercuts how thought-provoking this might be to the point where it's less of a story and more like those Yoplait Whip cups--it delivers sugar and oxygen with a veneer of nutritiousness by masquerading as yogurt.
Something like that.
>>PinoyPony
Your comments made me smile, so thank you!
The "salad" line was me trying to say that Twilight spoke a "word salad," or a pile of gibberish. Unfortunately this fell victim to a bit of rough accommodation of the word limit. I thought I was getting by well enough with that line, but evidently not; I'll have to re-hydrate it.
I'll also agree that the mechanics of the middle section could be clearer. The idea was supposed to be that Twilight was leading Mayor Mare away from the office, except Mayor Mare knew something was up and dragged Twilight back to wait with her until she figured it out. This would only work by virtue of Mayor Mare's boosted magical prowess that she'd gained through making a pact with dark powers, but of course I didn't actually spell that out. By that same token, the force that grabbed Spike was supposed to be from Mayor Mare, who had finally figured out what the pair were up to.
I also see that I wrote Twilight's intentions kind of weird there, so thank you for pointing that out!
>>Baal Bunny
I like the idea of expanding the end. Right now it's just meant to cap things off with a good-enough resolution to the story's main action, while incorporating a small comedic sting. But yes, absolutely, it might work even better by playing things out a bit more. Thank you!
>>WritingSpirit
Better a late review, late retro, or late whatever, than nothing!
I'm glad this was enjoyable. I hear you loud and clear about this lacking purpose, though. Right now the aspect of Mayor Mare being in thrall to dark powers is played purely for a few light chuckles; whereas this could have more oomph if she had clearer motivation, or if that ended up mattering for more than just a couple jokes. I'll have to do a bit of work on this before taking it to FimFiction, but thank you for calling out a place where I can improve it!