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Putting Yourself Out There
Sandbar rapped his hoof on the wooden door.
“Come on in!” A squeaky voice exclaimed from the inside.
Sandbar took a deep breath and entered the room. Shock overtook him as he stared at the newly decorated room. Normally it would have streamers and banners galore, but now it had glow in the dark stars, pillows scattered throughout the room, a hint of hay to go alongside the pillows.
The normal scent of sugar and bread that hung thick in the air was all but absent, replaced with the sweet smell of soap and shampoo, like somepony just took a bath.
“Hold on, It’ll be just a minute!” Professor Pie called out from somewhere out of view.
“Gotcha! Stay you slippery decoration!” She shouted before bounding out from behind her desk. Tangled in her mane were the same glow in the dark stars that were pasted on the ceiling.
“Oh, Hiya Sandbar, what brings you here?” Pinkie said. “Oh! I know! Are you here to prepare for the exam on Monday? I was just preparing it. You want some help reviewing?”
“Actually…” Sandbar scratched the back of his neck. “I need some advice.”
“Sure, fire away!” Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off.
“Uhm…” Sandbar shifted back and forth on his hooves. “It’s kind of a long story. Can you promise to keep it a secret?”
“Oooh! I do love long stories!” Pinkie said. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” She mimed the actions, sealing the vow to keep it a secret. “Okay, go ahead…”
Sandbar’s heart was fluttering all over the place. He was sure he was safe to tell Pinkie. He considered just leaving entirely. Still, Pinkie was sitting on her haunches, smiling at him, waiting for him to go on.
“I heard through the grapevine that the school is hosting a ball. I-I uhm…” He stuttered.
“Go on! I’m not going to tell anypony!” Pinkie said.
“I- I want to ask Yona to the dance.” Sandbar finally blurted.
Pinkie’s grin grew wider. “five seconds, please.” She snagged a nearby pillow and covered her muzzle and screamed.
Sandbar reeled back.
Pinkie threw the pillow back to the side. She tapped her front hooves together. Sandbar hadn’t seen somepony… or technically somegriff this excited since Gallus discovered stairs.
“Well, what are you waiting for, silly pony?! Go on and ask her!”
“I-I.” Sandbar lowered his head. “I can’t”
“What do you mean you can’t?” Pinkie said. “Is she not around? Oh no… did she get taken by an Ursa Minor? We should go and rescue her immedi-¬”
“No… it’s not that.” Sandbar said.
“Then… what’s the matter?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m afraid.” Sandbar said.
“Afraid of what?” Pinkie lifted his head.
“What if she says ‘no’?” Sandbar said.
“Pssh, Sandbar. She would never say ‘no’. She’s your friend!” Pinkie said.
“But what if she is already asked?” Sandbar’s warmth left his body. His heart dropped to the bottom of his chest. “I mean, what if Gallus beat me to it? Then all my friends would laugh at me for being too slow. I would be laughing stock for the rest of the school year…”
Pinkie snickered “They wouldn’t laugh at you. If anything, I don’t find anything about that funny at all.”
“Also, I have no idea if Yaks would find it insulting if I ask them to dance? I’m afraid I might do something to insult her…” Sandbar scratched a sweaty foreleg with his hoof. “I asked Professor Applejack first, but she recommended I talk with you since you are familiar with Yakyakistan culture.”
“Stop being a worry-wart!” She chuckled. “You got nothing to worry about!”
Sandbar raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t Prince Rutherford smash a lot of things in Ponyville a couple months ago because the decorations weren’t quite right?”
“I take it that the test on Yakyakistan didn’t do you any favors.” Pinkie said. “Yona is nice. She understands that pony culture is way different from yak culture. If there is something bugging her, she’ll always tell you.”
Sandbar smiled. Why was he so nervous asking a cute yak out? She didn’t get angry that much… and when she did, it was quick, and didn’t do much damage. Still, he couldn’t find the right words to say. Were there right words to say?
“I know you are scared to ask her, but just imagine how she would feel if she didn’t get asked.” Pinkie’s ears drooped. “I met countless ponies who never got asked to a dance. It is extremely hard to make them smile after that.”
Pinkie did have a point. He imagined Yona, curled up in her dorm room under countless blankets, sulking throughout the night.
“The worse thing you can do is not ask.” Pinkie said.
“Still, what if I mess up? What if I make a buffoon out of myself? What if I can’t find the right words?”
Her smirk twisted as her tongue peeked out of her lips, like she was thinking deeply about something. She grabbed a nearby bulb and lifted it over her head. The bulb illuminated as her wide grin returned. It was odd, however, that her mane didn’t revert to its ratty and curly state. “Ah ha! Give me a minute!” She bounded towards the closet and disappeared inside. He could hear the faint clattering of cymbals, honks of horns, and nasally squeaks of kazoos as Pinkie rummaged in her closet. Every so often, a random item would fall out, like a rug, or a plate, and weirdly enough… a vinyl disk.
Sandbar took a deep breath and smiled at Pinkie’s antics. Just classic Professor Pinkie being Professor Pinkie.
“And done!” Pinkie exited the closet. Sandbar had to hold in a laugh as he found Pinkie’s appearance to be… very convincing.
Pinkie had a yak helmet (given to her as a gift) atop her head. Her coat was long and fuzzy. Atop her back was the rug she dropped from earlier. Her mane was braided and looped. “Here, I’ll help you… I’ll be Yona, and you’ll be Sandbar!”
Sandbar nodded, stifling another laugh as she approached.
Pinkie pointed a hoof at Sandbar “You go first.”
“He-Hey, Yona, can I ask you something?”
Pinkie lowered her voice. “Yes, Sandbar?” She fluttered her eyes and smiled expectantly.
“I-I was wondering…” Sandbar quivered. “W-would you like to go to the dance with me?” He wheezed.
“Parrdon?” Pinkie cupped and ear with her hoof “I’m sorry, Yona’s ears are not very good since Zuezaphone is loud.”
“I-I was wondering…” Sandbar stood a little taller. “If you would go out to the dance with me?”
“LOUDER!” Pinkie screamed.
Sandbar squeezed his eyes shut and shouted “Yona! I was wondering if you would go out to the dance with me!”
Pinkie squealed “Oh, Sandbar! Yes! When do you want to pick Yona up?”
“Uhm,” Sandbar glanced at the clock. “Four-thirty?”
“Perfect! I will be waiting in my dorm!” Pinkie winked and trotted back to the closet.
After a few more whistles and strums of instruments, Pinkie emerged, back to her normal self.
“Thank you, Professor.” Sandbar said.
“You’re very welcome!” Pinkie bowed. “Anyways, run along! Yona is waiting for you!”
Sandbar nodded and bolted out the door. He never had this feeling before- it was warm, like friendship, it was empowering like honesty, it was motivating like loyalty. But, most of all, he was going to do the impossible: He was going to ask Yona out to the dance.
“Come on in!” A squeaky voice exclaimed from the inside.
Sandbar took a deep breath and entered the room. Shock overtook him as he stared at the newly decorated room. Normally it would have streamers and banners galore, but now it had glow in the dark stars, pillows scattered throughout the room, a hint of hay to go alongside the pillows.
The normal scent of sugar and bread that hung thick in the air was all but absent, replaced with the sweet smell of soap and shampoo, like somepony just took a bath.
“Hold on, It’ll be just a minute!” Professor Pie called out from somewhere out of view.
“Gotcha! Stay you slippery decoration!” She shouted before bounding out from behind her desk. Tangled in her mane were the same glow in the dark stars that were pasted on the ceiling.
“Oh, Hiya Sandbar, what brings you here?” Pinkie said. “Oh! I know! Are you here to prepare for the exam on Monday? I was just preparing it. You want some help reviewing?”
“Actually…” Sandbar scratched the back of his neck. “I need some advice.”
“Sure, fire away!” Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off.
“Uhm…” Sandbar shifted back and forth on his hooves. “It’s kind of a long story. Can you promise to keep it a secret?”
“Oooh! I do love long stories!” Pinkie said. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” She mimed the actions, sealing the vow to keep it a secret. “Okay, go ahead…”
Sandbar’s heart was fluttering all over the place. He was sure he was safe to tell Pinkie. He considered just leaving entirely. Still, Pinkie was sitting on her haunches, smiling at him, waiting for him to go on.
“I heard through the grapevine that the school is hosting a ball. I-I uhm…” He stuttered.
“Go on! I’m not going to tell anypony!” Pinkie said.
“I- I want to ask Yona to the dance.” Sandbar finally blurted.
Pinkie’s grin grew wider. “five seconds, please.” She snagged a nearby pillow and covered her muzzle and screamed.
Sandbar reeled back.
Pinkie threw the pillow back to the side. She tapped her front hooves together. Sandbar hadn’t seen somepony… or technically somegriff this excited since Gallus discovered stairs.
“Well, what are you waiting for, silly pony?! Go on and ask her!”
“I-I.” Sandbar lowered his head. “I can’t”
“What do you mean you can’t?” Pinkie said. “Is she not around? Oh no… did she get taken by an Ursa Minor? We should go and rescue her immedi-¬”
“No… it’s not that.” Sandbar said.
“Then… what’s the matter?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m afraid.” Sandbar said.
“Afraid of what?” Pinkie lifted his head.
“What if she says ‘no’?” Sandbar said.
“Pssh, Sandbar. She would never say ‘no’. She’s your friend!” Pinkie said.
“But what if she is already asked?” Sandbar’s warmth left his body. His heart dropped to the bottom of his chest. “I mean, what if Gallus beat me to it? Then all my friends would laugh at me for being too slow. I would be laughing stock for the rest of the school year…”
Pinkie snickered “They wouldn’t laugh at you. If anything, I don’t find anything about that funny at all.”
“Also, I have no idea if Yaks would find it insulting if I ask them to dance? I’m afraid I might do something to insult her…” Sandbar scratched a sweaty foreleg with his hoof. “I asked Professor Applejack first, but she recommended I talk with you since you are familiar with Yakyakistan culture.”
“Stop being a worry-wart!” She chuckled. “You got nothing to worry about!”
Sandbar raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t Prince Rutherford smash a lot of things in Ponyville a couple months ago because the decorations weren’t quite right?”
“I take it that the test on Yakyakistan didn’t do you any favors.” Pinkie said. “Yona is nice. She understands that pony culture is way different from yak culture. If there is something bugging her, she’ll always tell you.”
Sandbar smiled. Why was he so nervous asking a cute yak out? She didn’t get angry that much… and when she did, it was quick, and didn’t do much damage. Still, he couldn’t find the right words to say. Were there right words to say?
“I know you are scared to ask her, but just imagine how she would feel if she didn’t get asked.” Pinkie’s ears drooped. “I met countless ponies who never got asked to a dance. It is extremely hard to make them smile after that.”
Pinkie did have a point. He imagined Yona, curled up in her dorm room under countless blankets, sulking throughout the night.
“The worse thing you can do is not ask.” Pinkie said.
“Still, what if I mess up? What if I make a buffoon out of myself? What if I can’t find the right words?”
Her smirk twisted as her tongue peeked out of her lips, like she was thinking deeply about something. She grabbed a nearby bulb and lifted it over her head. The bulb illuminated as her wide grin returned. It was odd, however, that her mane didn’t revert to its ratty and curly state. “Ah ha! Give me a minute!” She bounded towards the closet and disappeared inside. He could hear the faint clattering of cymbals, honks of horns, and nasally squeaks of kazoos as Pinkie rummaged in her closet. Every so often, a random item would fall out, like a rug, or a plate, and weirdly enough… a vinyl disk.
Sandbar took a deep breath and smiled at Pinkie’s antics. Just classic Professor Pinkie being Professor Pinkie.
“And done!” Pinkie exited the closet. Sandbar had to hold in a laugh as he found Pinkie’s appearance to be… very convincing.
Pinkie had a yak helmet (given to her as a gift) atop her head. Her coat was long and fuzzy. Atop her back was the rug she dropped from earlier. Her mane was braided and looped. “Here, I’ll help you… I’ll be Yona, and you’ll be Sandbar!”
Sandbar nodded, stifling another laugh as she approached.
Pinkie pointed a hoof at Sandbar “You go first.”
“He-Hey, Yona, can I ask you something?”
Pinkie lowered her voice. “Yes, Sandbar?” She fluttered her eyes and smiled expectantly.
“I-I was wondering…” Sandbar quivered. “W-would you like to go to the dance with me?” He wheezed.
“Parrdon?” Pinkie cupped and ear with her hoof “I’m sorry, Yona’s ears are not very good since Zuezaphone is loud.”
“I-I was wondering…” Sandbar stood a little taller. “If you would go out to the dance with me?”
“LOUDER!” Pinkie screamed.
Sandbar squeezed his eyes shut and shouted “Yona! I was wondering if you would go out to the dance with me!”
Pinkie squealed “Oh, Sandbar! Yes! When do you want to pick Yona up?”
“Uhm,” Sandbar glanced at the clock. “Four-thirty?”
“Perfect! I will be waiting in my dorm!” Pinkie winked and trotted back to the closet.
After a few more whistles and strums of instruments, Pinkie emerged, back to her normal self.
“Thank you, Professor.” Sandbar said.
“You’re very welcome!” Pinkie bowed. “Anyways, run along! Yona is waiting for you!”
Sandbar nodded and bolted out the door. He never had this feeling before- it was warm, like friendship, it was empowering like honesty, it was motivating like loyalty. But, most of all, he was going to do the impossible: He was going to ask Yona out to the dance.
Pics
Technical issues first:
"A squeaky voice exclaimed from the inside." - since this is a dialogue tag, "a" should be lower case. The same problem occurs with "She shouted before bounding out from behind her desk."--"she shouted" should be lower case--and in other places throughout the story. When you've got an action tag, one that doesn't use a speaking verb, then you capitalize it. But tags with speaking verbs should have their subjects in lower case unless it's a character's name. Also, the punctuation is consistently wrong in the dialogue: “I’m afraid.” Sandbar said. should be “I’m afraid,” Sandbar said. with a comma before the close quote instead of a period. "since Gallus discovered stairs" - it was Silverstream who was so excited about stairs.
Also, the line Pinkie snickered “They wouldn’t laugh at you. If anything, I don’t find anything about that funny at all.” needs a period after "snickered," and why is she snickering if she doesn't find anything funny at all? “The worse thing you can do is not ask.” Pinkie said. - Again, a comma instead of a period before the close quote since there's a speaking verb in the tag, and "worse" is the comparative form when it should be the superlative "worst."
The story itself is fine, though in the "She's All Yak" episode itself, there's no time for this to happen. They all find out about the dance at the beginning of the opening scene, and Sandbar asks Yona to go with him before the scene's over. Maybe this could be for their first actual date, Sandbar wanting to ask Yona to dinner and a movie down in Ponyville or something?
Mike
"A squeaky voice exclaimed from the inside." - since this is a dialogue tag, "a" should be lower case. The same problem occurs with "She shouted before bounding out from behind her desk."--"she shouted" should be lower case--and in other places throughout the story. When you've got an action tag, one that doesn't use a speaking verb, then you capitalize it. But tags with speaking verbs should have their subjects in lower case unless it's a character's name. Also, the punctuation is consistently wrong in the dialogue: “I’m afraid.” Sandbar said. should be “I’m afraid,” Sandbar said. with a comma before the close quote instead of a period. "since Gallus discovered stairs" - it was Silverstream who was so excited about stairs.
Also, the line Pinkie snickered “They wouldn’t laugh at you. If anything, I don’t find anything about that funny at all.” needs a period after "snickered," and why is she snickering if she doesn't find anything funny at all? “The worse thing you can do is not ask.” Pinkie said. - Again, a comma instead of a period before the close quote since there's a speaking verb in the tag, and "worse" is the comparative form when it should be the superlative "worst."
The story itself is fine, though in the "She's All Yak" episode itself, there's no time for this to happen. They all find out about the dance at the beginning of the opening scene, and Sandbar asks Yona to go with him before the scene's over. Maybe this could be for their first actual date, Sandbar wanting to ask Yona to dinner and a movie down in Ponyville or something?
Mike
First Impressions:
I’m always in for a good Yona and Sandbar Ship.
Now the Formal Review:
The good stuff is that I enjoyed the scene where Pinkie was role-playing as Yona. Again, you’ve chipped into my tastes.
However, there are a lot of technical issues, such as punctuation, capitalizing in the wrong places. And also,
This bugged me for some strange reason.
Next, is the pacing. I may not know what I’m talking about, but it seems to me that the pacing is suffering. This is happening all way to too quickly. Sandbar yields his thoughts almost instantly― it takes a little while to open up and be willing to express how the feel, let alone be vulnerable. I suppose Pinkie can generate ideas rather quickly, but it seems a teensy bit rushed. Lastly, Sandbar seems to bolt for the door before taking a breath of relief, or taking in the moment of thinking ‘Wow. I just did that.’
I don’t know, that’s just probably me. I’m still learning how to review, so take this with a grain of salt.
Thanks for Writing!
I’m always in for a good Yona and Sandbar Ship.
Now the Formal Review:
The good stuff is that I enjoyed the scene where Pinkie was role-playing as Yona. Again, you’ve chipped into my tastes.
However, there are a lot of technical issues, such as punctuation, capitalizing in the wrong places. And also,
We should go and rescue her immedi-¬”
This bugged me for some strange reason.
Next, is the pacing. I may not know what I’m talking about, but it seems to me that the pacing is suffering. This is happening all way to too quickly. Sandbar yields his thoughts almost instantly― it takes a little while to open up and be willing to express how the feel, let alone be vulnerable. I suppose Pinkie can generate ideas rather quickly, but it seems a teensy bit rushed. Lastly, Sandbar seems to bolt for the door before taking a breath of relief, or taking in the moment of thinking ‘Wow. I just did that.’
I don’t know, that’s just probably me. I’m still learning how to review, so take this with a grain of salt.
Thanks for Writing!
This one's pretty charming, as far as stories go. I'll admit, I'm not particularly keen on stories focusing on the Young Six, so as good as their stories can be, it's not something that I'm readily invested in, meaning it'll take time for me to really appreciate what's in store for me.
After a few reads, I'll come out and say that the narrative's pretty decent. Rather straightforward as well. It certainly was a pleasant read while it lasted, though I do wish it strove to achieve something further than just telling the tale at hand. Right now, it just feels a bit too safe for my liking, like it's an excerpt from the script that didn't make the cutting room floor. There's nothing wrong with being safe, of course—I just think that with this current iteration, it currently feels a bit too nondescript.
The prose, though paced evenly, feels rather stiff and wooden, mostly because it's really just telling every action and reaction that both of our characters are doing. It feels very instructive, like a script or a manual of sorts. I guess what I want to see is a more vivid picture of the emotions that both Sandbar and Pinkie are going through. You know, be a little playful with how you're describing the unfolding chain of events. Maybe capture not what they're doing exactly but what they themselves perceive they're doing, something like how Pinkie sees her own laughter might be different from how Sandbar sees it, that kind of thing.
Anyways, this definitely has heart, dear Author, no doubt about it. I just think it needs a bit more focus and refinement for it to really make itself special.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
After a few reads, I'll come out and say that the narrative's pretty decent. Rather straightforward as well. It certainly was a pleasant read while it lasted, though I do wish it strove to achieve something further than just telling the tale at hand. Right now, it just feels a bit too safe for my liking, like it's an excerpt from the script that didn't make the cutting room floor. There's nothing wrong with being safe, of course—I just think that with this current iteration, it currently feels a bit too nondescript.
The prose, though paced evenly, feels rather stiff and wooden, mostly because it's really just telling every action and reaction that both of our characters are doing. It feels very instructive, like a script or a manual of sorts. I guess what I want to see is a more vivid picture of the emotions that both Sandbar and Pinkie are going through. You know, be a little playful with how you're describing the unfolding chain of events. Maybe capture not what they're doing exactly but what they themselves perceive they're doing, something like how Pinkie sees her own laughter might be different from how Sandbar sees it, that kind of thing.
Anyways, this definitely has heart, dear Author, no doubt about it. I just think it needs a bit more focus and refinement for it to really make itself special.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Making my best effort to review this as if I don’t know who wrote it, how it placed, et cetera. Apologies for the late review. It’s been a week here.
I have to confess that I really enjoyed She’s All Yak. Getting to see Yona stumble through her own expectations of a maybe-date, as well as the expectations she perceived from pony culture, set up Sandbar and Yona for a simple but sweet story of growing together as maybe-friends/maybe-a-couple. It also offered a vicarious way to enjoy the Pinkie X Rutherford crackship that was clearly never going to happen (even though I still say it could’ve worked). So when I see this story filling in the background for that episode from Sandbar’s perspective, it starts out with automatic goodwill from me purely in terms of topic selection. This is the fanfiction that I came here to read, please and thank you!
Where this falters for me is in its gravitas as a scene that would’ve fit alongside the rest of the episode. Don’t get me wrong: it’s imminently functional, in that it takes a logical moment and plays it from start to finish in a way that makes total sense and could’ve fit. Sandbar’s hesitation feels authentic, and I like the setup with Pinkie having him role-play asking Yona out. I also like how it retains some ambiguity at the end about what Sandbar’s true feelings toward Yona are. There’s ample room for them to figure out where they stand with each other, both as a potential couple and in how that might work inside pony & yak culture.
But again, I feel like the gravitas comes up short on a couple of points. One is on the question of Sandbar’s feelings heading into the conversation, and the other is on Pinkie’s overall “zany” portrayal.
I said a moment ago that I like how Sandbar isn’t maybe fully sure at the end whether he likes Yona, or whether he like-likes her. That’s great! Thing is, we don’t get much of a sense of what his internal state looks like towards the beginning, either. I realize that the central thrust of this scene is Sandbar seeking advice from Pinkie to overcome his fear and do what he already wants to do, but at no point do we get a clear vision of why. Pinkie seems to assume that “She would never say ‘no’. She’s your friend!” -- but in going down that road, the story sidesteps the question of what Sandbar’s feelings toward Yona actually look like. There’s a brief aside where he thinks of her as cute, and says “She didn’t get angry that much… and when she did, it was quick, and didn’t do much damage” -- but this only paints around how he might feel in the vaguest of terms. If Sandbar thinks Yona is cute, I’d love to see that manifest itself in him thinking about what parts or aspects of her bring that feeling to life. Let the lad’s pulse race a little, or get some sweat going--by all means keep it at an agreeable content rating, but show us that there are effects of the attraction in both his body and mind. And if he’s got complicated feelings about that attraction because she’s (let’s be blunt) of a different species than he is… well, call that out! Let him struggle for us. There’s good ficcage to be had in that.
I also mentioned some quibbles with how Pinkie is depicted in this. I have strong views about balancing Pinkie’s often zany exterior with a more introspective core of self-doubt and over-eagerness to please. But apart from those personal views, I do feel this tended to lean more into her surface wackiness to the detriment of driving a deeper emotional connection between her and Sandbar. Not that there’s anything wrong with Pinkie being wacky, but when I bump into a line like: “Sandbar took a deep breath and smiled at Pinkie’s antics. Just classic Professor Pinkie being Professor Pinkie” -- I start turning a more critical eye on whether that angle on her character fits with the rest of the story’s tone and direction. E.g., in something going for broader/crackier comedy, it might make sense for Pinkie to be as off-the-wall as possible; but I see this more as a moment when Sandbar is letting his guard down emotionally, and it feels like there’s deeper potential in Pinkie doing the same.
Again-again, though: I liked this. It’s complete, it’s pretty clean, and it absolutely works. I dig in with some critique because I feel like it could be tuned up to work better, but that doesn’t detract from what’s here now.
I have to confess that I really enjoyed She’s All Yak. Getting to see Yona stumble through her own expectations of a maybe-date, as well as the expectations she perceived from pony culture, set up Sandbar and Yona for a simple but sweet story of growing together as maybe-friends/maybe-a-couple. It also offered a vicarious way to enjoy the Pinkie X Rutherford crackship that was clearly never going to happen (even though I still say it could’ve worked). So when I see this story filling in the background for that episode from Sandbar’s perspective, it starts out with automatic goodwill from me purely in terms of topic selection. This is the fanfiction that I came here to read, please and thank you!
Where this falters for me is in its gravitas as a scene that would’ve fit alongside the rest of the episode. Don’t get me wrong: it’s imminently functional, in that it takes a logical moment and plays it from start to finish in a way that makes total sense and could’ve fit. Sandbar’s hesitation feels authentic, and I like the setup with Pinkie having him role-play asking Yona out. I also like how it retains some ambiguity at the end about what Sandbar’s true feelings toward Yona are. There’s ample room for them to figure out where they stand with each other, both as a potential couple and in how that might work inside pony & yak culture.
But again, I feel like the gravitas comes up short on a couple of points. One is on the question of Sandbar’s feelings heading into the conversation, and the other is on Pinkie’s overall “zany” portrayal.
I said a moment ago that I like how Sandbar isn’t maybe fully sure at the end whether he likes Yona, or whether he like-likes her. That’s great! Thing is, we don’t get much of a sense of what his internal state looks like towards the beginning, either. I realize that the central thrust of this scene is Sandbar seeking advice from Pinkie to overcome his fear and do what he already wants to do, but at no point do we get a clear vision of why. Pinkie seems to assume that “She would never say ‘no’. She’s your friend!” -- but in going down that road, the story sidesteps the question of what Sandbar’s feelings toward Yona actually look like. There’s a brief aside where he thinks of her as cute, and says “She didn’t get angry that much… and when she did, it was quick, and didn’t do much damage” -- but this only paints around how he might feel in the vaguest of terms. If Sandbar thinks Yona is cute, I’d love to see that manifest itself in him thinking about what parts or aspects of her bring that feeling to life. Let the lad’s pulse race a little, or get some sweat going--by all means keep it at an agreeable content rating, but show us that there are effects of the attraction in both his body and mind. And if he’s got complicated feelings about that attraction because she’s (let’s be blunt) of a different species than he is… well, call that out! Let him struggle for us. There’s good ficcage to be had in that.
I also mentioned some quibbles with how Pinkie is depicted in this. I have strong views about balancing Pinkie’s often zany exterior with a more introspective core of self-doubt and over-eagerness to please. But apart from those personal views, I do feel this tended to lean more into her surface wackiness to the detriment of driving a deeper emotional connection between her and Sandbar. Not that there’s anything wrong with Pinkie being wacky, but when I bump into a line like: “Sandbar took a deep breath and smiled at Pinkie’s antics. Just classic Professor Pinkie being Professor Pinkie” -- I start turning a more critical eye on whether that angle on her character fits with the rest of the story’s tone and direction. E.g., in something going for broader/crackier comedy, it might make sense for Pinkie to be as off-the-wall as possible; but I see this more as a moment when Sandbar is letting his guard down emotionally, and it feels like there’s deeper potential in Pinkie doing the same.
Again-again, though: I liked this. It’s complete, it’s pretty clean, and it absolutely works. I dig in with some critique because I feel like it could be tuned up to work better, but that doesn’t detract from what’s here now.
Putting A Retro Out There
Mostly with what I covered, I can already see the grammatical and pacing errors, so I won’t cover my faux-review. Sorry, I’m trying to get this out ASAP since the event is over, and it’s better I don’t procrastinate.
>>Baal Bunny
Thank you pointing out particular problems. This may be short, but most of these are easy fixes, even so far as fixing this to the time of after the amity ball, on a future date (no pun intended). I tried to swing around before the amity ball because Sandbar seemed to act fairly calm (he must’ve had some practice), but I think it would be better to swing it around their official first date.
As the odds and ends, the things you’ve pointed out regarding to technical errors such as Pinkie laughing when telling Sandbar “I don’t find that funny at all…” is a good catch. Also, I might need to brush up on my dialogue tags. Dialogue tags are my kryptonite.
Thanks for reviewing!
>>WritingSpirit
I really should put “make things less wooden” at the top of my list of things to improve. It seems that the topic has come up more than once and by the same person. So, I guess this is a loaded question, but is there something that I should look over to correct this? You’ve seemed to notice it, and I think the other writers notice it as well. I don’t want it to slip past again, so I wonder, what is the best way to tackle such a problem? If it’s not too much trouble, do you know any examples I can look at and emulate so I can break this bad habit for once and for all?
Thanks for reviewing!
>>CoffeeMinion
This comment is super helpful! Thank you!
What I said to Baal highly applies here- particularly the topic regarding the matter of how it supposed to fit in an episode-type sense. Obviously, the whole thing doesn’t fit in the canon of the show if I place the events to pre-Amity, but Baal made a great suggestion to place it on their next “official” first date.
I see what you mean. Pinkie seems overly zany in this piece. I should tone that down a bit. Seems like the embellishment of her personality can be likely, but also fits in the OOC category if I’m not careful. I still got some things to learn if I’m going to do a fairly accurate portrayal of Ponk. Luckily, you gave me a few pointers about balance (self-doubt or eagerness to please), so I’ll give it a shot sometime.
On the Sandbar side of things, I also have yet to master his portrayal. Fortunately, I had a little leeway with the perspective of his thoughts, but then again, the lack of elaboration (Hitting the upper word limit didn’t do me any favors) caused failure in delivery. As you said, let his heart race, show clear signs of attraction! Plus, the addition with the angst of how they are… different species can be a great topic to bring up.
As an after-thought, going back to a point from before, maybe I can place the events before their first “official” date, and do both the ambiguity of whether Sandbar sees Yona as a friend or a lover. Before Amity, he probably sees her more as a friend (hence the reason why he didn’t have any hesitation approaching her, but post-Amity, after getting to know her a little better, maybe feelings of attraction surfaced, and now he’s unsure of himself- thus dealing with interpreting what his feelings mean and how to manage them (the fact of it being an interspecies relationship only complicates it further).
Thanks for pointers to take steps in the right direction for the tune-up!
Lastly, thank you for the art! It’s sure a boost in morale when an artist makes a pic of your fic!
>>PinoyPony
Well, I'm of the mind that in the pursuit of learning, no question is loaded. Not to mention that it's only fair I do my best to answer that question given how critical I was of this particular aspect whenever it pops up. I should say though, despite being similar, my issues with Hearth & Home are vastly different from my issues with this story.
Hearth & Home, my key gripe was regarding the dialogue and how it feels manufactured for the purpose of the story alone. There's a lot for me to say on this, but all the best advice I can give you has been boiled down to this blog post, particularly the one about reading your dialogue aloud. If there's anything I'd like to add to that list, it's also that a) sometimes people don't really mean what they say, and b) silence can sometimes speak volumes.
I would also like to add something else beyond just making it natural. Personally when I write, I treat every line of dialogue with an in-universe reason i.e. why the character is saying this line within the context of the story. Put it simply, a dialogue is an extension of the character trying to achieve something in the span of that scene. It's something that I've taken to thanks to reading theatre scripts and screenplays, so I'll try my best to be brief about it.
Let's use Pinkie and her Mother as an example. Let's give them a simple scene, say, Pinkie wants a cookie from a jar but her Mother, who had hidden the jar, is against it. The dialogue between them would then be an exchange to see who achieves their objective by the end of the scene and the tactics of they go about it.
Pinkie would probably begin with just straight up asking her Mother first. In return, her Mother says no.
That didn't work, so Pinkie switches gears. Maybe by asking her Mother "Why not?" She wants her mother to explain her reason why. Her Mother, in response, would probably proceed to remind Pinkie about the five other jars of cookies she had finished the night before.
Still didn't work. Change tactics again. Perhaps Pinkie would proceed to justify it? Or maybe obfuscate the truth by saying it wasn't exactly five jars? Maybe she just begs to have just one more cookie? Or maybe bemoan about how her Father would've given the cookie if he were here.
That's basically dialogue in a nutshell. Note that not every exchange has to be confrontational. It's just a matter of understanding what your characters really want once they come away from their conversation. It may not be conventional as advice goes, but it'll certainly help give their voices a grounded, more deeper sense of purpose in addition to making them sound natural.
Now, for the issue I had with this story, ergo the prose.
Prose is a trickier beast to nail down. It's somewhere along the lines of the advice above but in a different coat of paint. However, were it up to me, I'd usually start by being more picky about what words to use to capture perfectly what I want to depict. Give it a visual flair. After all, there's a stark difference when saying something is 'big' compared to saying something is 'humongous'. Similarly, instead of something like 'Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off', just show us how that looks like. Maybe something like 'Pinkie leaped into a burst of confetti'.
Rhythm also plays a part in the best stories. When I mention how something is stiff and wooden, I'm usually referring to this particular aspect lacking variation in the story. It's mainly just playing around with your sentences and punctuations to find the best fit. Take this section from above, for example:
It's fine, though it certainly seems daunting to read. If I paced it out, it'll be something like this:
It's not perfect, but I think it helps give the story a bit of a spring in its step.
Finally, I'll append that not every advice is absolute. What might work in one instance may not entirely work in another. Also, once again: that there's no such thing as a loaded question in the pursuit of learning. Sure, it might be a bit of a tiresome comment for me to type out, but if there's a chance you'd learn something from it by the end, it's worth a shot.
Thanks for writing!
Well, I'm of the mind that in the pursuit of learning, no question is loaded. Not to mention that it's only fair I do my best to answer that question given how critical I was of this particular aspect whenever it pops up. I should say though, despite being similar, my issues with Hearth & Home are vastly different from my issues with this story.
Hearth & Home, my key gripe was regarding the dialogue and how it feels manufactured for the purpose of the story alone. There's a lot for me to say on this, but all the best advice I can give you has been boiled down to this blog post, particularly the one about reading your dialogue aloud. If there's anything I'd like to add to that list, it's also that a) sometimes people don't really mean what they say, and b) silence can sometimes speak volumes.
I would also like to add something else beyond just making it natural. Personally when I write, I treat every line of dialogue with an in-universe reason i.e. why the character is saying this line within the context of the story. Put it simply, a dialogue is an extension of the character trying to achieve something in the span of that scene. It's something that I've taken to thanks to reading theatre scripts and screenplays, so I'll try my best to be brief about it.
Let's use Pinkie and her Mother as an example. Let's give them a simple scene, say, Pinkie wants a cookie from a jar but her Mother, who had hidden the jar, is against it. The dialogue between them would then be an exchange to see who achieves their objective by the end of the scene and the tactics of they go about it.
Pinkie would probably begin with just straight up asking her Mother first. In return, her Mother says no.
That didn't work, so Pinkie switches gears. Maybe by asking her Mother "Why not?" She wants her mother to explain her reason why. Her Mother, in response, would probably proceed to remind Pinkie about the five other jars of cookies she had finished the night before.
Still didn't work. Change tactics again. Perhaps Pinkie would proceed to justify it? Or maybe obfuscate the truth by saying it wasn't exactly five jars? Maybe she just begs to have just one more cookie? Or maybe bemoan about how her Father would've given the cookie if he were here.
That's basically dialogue in a nutshell. Note that not every exchange has to be confrontational. It's just a matter of understanding what your characters really want once they come away from their conversation. It may not be conventional as advice goes, but it'll certainly help give their voices a grounded, more deeper sense of purpose in addition to making them sound natural.
Now, for the issue I had with this story, ergo the prose.
Prose is a trickier beast to nail down. It's somewhere along the lines of the advice above but in a different coat of paint. However, were it up to me, I'd usually start by being more picky about what words to use to capture perfectly what I want to depict. Give it a visual flair. After all, there's a stark difference when saying something is 'big' compared to saying something is 'humongous'. Similarly, instead of something like 'Pinkie mimicked her party cannon going off', just show us how that looks like. Maybe something like 'Pinkie leaped into a burst of confetti'.
Rhythm also plays a part in the best stories. When I mention how something is stiff and wooden, I'm usually referring to this particular aspect lacking variation in the story. It's mainly just playing around with your sentences and punctuations to find the best fit. Take this section from above, for example:
Her smirk twisted as her tongue peeked out of her lips, like she was thinking deeply about something. She grabbed a nearby bulb and lifted it over her head. The bulb illuminated as her wide grin returned.
It's fine, though it certainly seems daunting to read. If I paced it out, it'll be something like this:
Her smirk twisted. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she reached back, before yanking out a lightbulb from her tail and placed it onto her head.
Ding. The brightest grin surged from Pinkie's face.
It's not perfect, but I think it helps give the story a bit of a spring in its step.
Finally, I'll append that not every advice is absolute. What might work in one instance may not entirely work in another. Also, once again: that there's no such thing as a loaded question in the pursuit of learning. Sure, it might be a bit of a tiresome comment for me to type out, but if there's a chance you'd learn something from it by the end, it's worth a shot.
Thanks for writing!