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Okay, this is the kind of thing I was talking about when I said you could just look at some poetry and tell it took a lot of work.
This has a lot of intricate structure to it. Most lines have the same syllable counts, but a few are off. But the way you repeat lines! On one hand, that means you only have to write half as many lines, but it greatly increases the difficulty of the lines you do write so that they continue to make sense in context as they get shifted in the next stanza. And then they not only make sense, but have new meaning instead of just repeating the old one.
As a story, it's on the vague side, though. This princess apparently gives up her magical power in order to revive her realm from destruction, but there's not much depth to it beyond what default we can assume of someone in her position. More of her specific connection to the things she sees would help, but of course the trick is to get that to work with the pattern you're using. In a story, it's usually better to find why one or two of these people are important to her rather than just having a faceless multitude of bodies, and likewise with her memories of what the realm used to be like. But that'd obviously be a lot of work to do, since it's not as simple as adding in a couple of anecdotal paragraphs to a standard narrative. While there may be better story arcs in this event, this poem is the most impressive.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out this is an already established poetic form, but it's not one I'm familiar with.
This has a lot of intricate structure to it. Most lines have the same syllable counts, but a few are off. But the way you repeat lines! On one hand, that means you only have to write half as many lines, but it greatly increases the difficulty of the lines you do write so that they continue to make sense in context as they get shifted in the next stanza. And then they not only make sense, but have new meaning instead of just repeating the old one.
As a story, it's on the vague side, though. This princess apparently gives up her magical power in order to revive her realm from destruction, but there's not much depth to it beyond what default we can assume of someone in her position. More of her specific connection to the things she sees would help, but of course the trick is to get that to work with the pattern you're using. In a story, it's usually better to find why one or two of these people are important to her rather than just having a faceless multitude of bodies, and likewise with her memories of what the realm used to be like. But that'd obviously be a lot of work to do, since it's not as simple as adding in a couple of anecdotal paragraphs to a standard narrative. While there may be better story arcs in this event, this poem is the most impressive.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out this is an already established poetic form, but it's not one I'm familiar with.
Post by
_Moonshot
, deleted
>>_Moonshot
No it isn't. It tries to be, but it isn't. Plus that's not what I meant; that's a meter, not a poetic form. I meant the structure, like a sonnet or a villanelle.
No it isn't. It tries to be, but it isn't. Plus that's not what I meant; that's a meter, not a poetic form. I meant the structure, like a sonnet or a villanelle.
Holy flip on a stick, when I figured out the gimmick I actually swore out loud. This is probably one of the coolest things I've seen in a Writeoff poetry entry.
I think you use the repeated lines very well for the most part, integrating them into new sentences and meanings. There are a few places where their use wasn't entirely perfect, but I'm willing to forgive the details in light of the big picture success. It meshes nicely with both the prompt and the theme of the story, and was just overall fun to explore.
On a side note, I'm kind of guessing that the princess here is Twilight, but with her serial number scratched off. At least, that's how I read it. :P
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I think you use the repeated lines very well for the most part, integrating them into new sentences and meanings. There are a few places where their use wasn't entirely perfect, but I'm willing to forgive the details in light of the big picture success. It meshes nicely with both the prompt and the theme of the story, and was just overall fun to explore.
On a side note, I'm kind of guessing that the princess here is Twilight, but with her serial number scratched off. At least, that's how I read it. :P
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>>Pascoite
Yep. Structure's called a "pantoum".
I've never dared to try one. It's hard as heck. This holds together really impressively, especially in the few lines which shift meaning by altering punctuation.
Yep. Structure's called a "pantoum".
I've never dared to try one. It's hard as heck. This holds together really impressively, especially in the few lines which shift meaning by altering punctuation.
I've had to read this poem dozens of times, but it works. I feel like I'm still missing a clue as to who the character(s) are. I have multiple ideas that fit, but I haven't been able to eliminate the last couple possibilities. I think I'm okay with that. I am impressed with the structure, but I think that structure comes at a cost which balances the value of it.
Holy crap. This is wonderful. Bravo.
I don't have time to do a bit part here where I replicate the scheme or I would.
I don't have time to do a bit part here where I replicate the scheme or I would.
This is clearly impressive. It did start to feel like it was dragging on a bit too much for me towards the middle, but that could just be an unavoidable side effect of reading every line twice. And really, this probably gets more impressive the longer it can go on for.
This is also the only entry where I can make a pretty good guess at the identity of the author. Though I am basing my guess on the fact that I have only seen this type of poem once before, and that one was written by one of the authors here.
This is also the only entry where I can make a pretty good guess at the identity of the author. Though I am basing my guess on the fact that I have only seen this type of poem once before, and that one was written by one of the authors here.
>>The_Letter_J
>>Trick_Question
>>LoftyWithers
>>horizon
>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
Thanks, folks:
Congrats to our other medalists, and sorry I didn't get around to commenting on everything.
As folks noticed, pantoums aren't the best for narrative poetry--the repeating lines make it drag--but as soon as I saw the prompt, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I'm actually thinking it needs another couple stanzas in the middle to show what our princess here actually did, using a spell to enhance her magic that then sucked the life out of every other thing in the world.
Also, if folks could point out the lines that aren't iambic pentameter, I'd really appreciate it!
Mike
>>Trick_Question
>>LoftyWithers
>>horizon
>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
Thanks, folks:
Congrats to our other medalists, and sorry I didn't get around to commenting on everything.
As folks noticed, pantoums aren't the best for narrative poetry--the repeating lines make it drag--but as soon as I saw the prompt, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. I'm actually thinking it needs another couple stanzas in the middle to show what our princess here actually did, using a spell to enhance her magic that then sucked the life out of every other thing in the world.
Also, if folks could point out the lines that aren't iambic pentameter, I'd really appreciate it!
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
The fact that this poem beat the living crap out of everything else is proof Writeoff readers have good taste.
Every single reader top-slated it except for one reader who bottom-slated it, possibly to reverse-effect-poison the slates in order to improve their own poem's score. I can't imagine another reason you'd bottom this.
The fact that this poem beat the living crap out of everything else is proof Writeoff readers have good taste.
Every single reader top-slated it except for one reader who bottom-slated it, possibly to reverse-effect-poison the slates in order to improve their own poem's score. I can't imagine another reason you'd bottom this.
>>Trick_Question
Well, that would be appropriate, given the prompt.
Every single reader top-slated it except for one reader who bottom-slated it, possibly to reverse-effect-poison the slates in order to improve their own poem's score. I can't imagine another reason you'd bottom this.
Well, that would be appropriate, given the prompt.
>>Trick_Question
>>Baal Bunny
I remember someone having an issue once where they misinterpreted the way you rank and put the stories in reverse order. Maybe something like that happened here? Though I also would believe someone panned it to improve their own chances. That's happened before, but it's been a long time since there was an obvious case of it.
As to iambic pentameter, there are a few lines that stuck out for me. This one did in two ways:
This only works if you pronounce "realize" as three syllables, whereas I think you'll find most people pronounce it as two. Even then the stress is forced, and I'll bring in another line that does the same thing.
If I use bold caps for hard stress, regular caps for light stress, and lower case for unstressed, I normally pronounce that as EMP-TY-ing, but to fit the meter, you have to say it as EMP-ty-ING. Allowing for a three-syllable "realize," then it requires RE-a-LIZE, whereas in everyday speech, I'd say RE-A-lize. These aren't that awkward, and you certainly do see people muscle words into the meter a bit at times. It's just the little difference between something that merely works versus something that feels very natural. And iambic pentameter is a meter that's supposed to mirror natural speech fairly well. Other words that felt that little bit off for me were concentrate, prophecies, calamity, she'd donned. And maybe "home again." If it was just one or two, I might have glossed over them without noticing, but that many did get my attention.
>>Baal Bunny
I remember someone having an issue once where they misinterpreted the way you rank and put the stories in reverse order. Maybe something like that happened here? Though I also would believe someone panned it to improve their own chances. That's happened before, but it's been a long time since there was an obvious case of it.
As to iambic pentameter, there are a few lines that stuck out for me. This one did in two ways:
And mourns to realize her world's been killed.
This only works if you pronounce "realize" as three syllables, whereas I think you'll find most people pronounce it as two. Even then the stress is forced, and I'll bring in another line that does the same thing.
And emptying her sorry, worthless hide.
If I use bold caps for hard stress, regular caps for light stress, and lower case for unstressed, I normally pronounce that as EMP-TY-ing, but to fit the meter, you have to say it as EMP-ty-ING. Allowing for a three-syllable "realize," then it requires RE-a-LIZE, whereas in everyday speech, I'd say RE-A-lize. These aren't that awkward, and you certainly do see people muscle words into the meter a bit at times. It's just the little difference between something that merely works versus something that feels very natural. And iambic pentameter is a meter that's supposed to mirror natural speech fairly well. Other words that felt that little bit off for me were concentrate, prophecies, calamity, she'd donned. And maybe "home again." If it was just one or two, I might have glossed over them without noticing, but that many did get my attention.
>>Pascoite
I can't pronounce realize in two syllables unless I'm trying to mangle it, so in a poem it should be three (for me). I wouldn't see it as two unless you made it re'lize.
I can't pronounce realize in two syllables unless I'm trying to mangle it, so in a poem it should be three (for me). I wouldn't see it as two unless you made it re'lize.
>>Trick_Question
Yes, the two-syllable pronunciation you have there is the one I hear most people use. Maybe it's a regional thing, but I've lived enough places that it would cover Ohio, North Carolina, Connecticut, and Maryland. Poets don't always know that, but they have to be careful around words that have that effect, or it'll sound off to some readers and fine to others. I've run into this myself before, as to whether "squirrel" is one syllable or two.
Yes, the two-syllable pronunciation you have there is the one I hear most people use. Maybe it's a regional thing, but I've lived enough places that it would cover Ohio, North Carolina, Connecticut, and Maryland. Poets don't always know that, but they have to be careful around words that have that effect, or it'll sound off to some readers and fine to others. I've run into this myself before, as to whether "squirrel" is one syllable or two.
>>Pascoite
I admit when I say "realize" the syllables are so close together you can hear two when I'm actually pronouncing three. It's more how I think about it in my head that controls how I see it in a poem.
I admit when I say "realize" the syllables are so close together you can hear two when I'm actually pronouncing three. It's more how I think about it in my head that controls how I see it in a poem.
>>Pascoite
>>Trick_Question
Long vowels:
Followed by liquid consonants--words that rhyme with "eel" and "ile" and "ire" and "oil" and like that--are always problematic in metered poetry 'cause folks pronounce them differently in different places. I pretty much just avoid using them where I can.
But I've never in my life heard "realize" pronounced with 2 syllables--I'll point to the Beatles song "No Reply" as a very clear example of the word with 3 syllables--and none of the dictionaries I've looked at either on paper or online gives a 2 syllable pronunciation even as an option.
Still, I'll likely add "realize" to my list of words to avoid just to keep the question from coming up. Thanks for the comments!
Mike
>>Trick_Question
Long vowels:
Followed by liquid consonants--words that rhyme with "eel" and "ile" and "ire" and "oil" and like that--are always problematic in metered poetry 'cause folks pronounce them differently in different places. I pretty much just avoid using them where I can.
But I've never in my life heard "realize" pronounced with 2 syllables--I'll point to the Beatles song "No Reply" as a very clear example of the word with 3 syllables--and none of the dictionaries I've looked at either on paper or online gives a 2 syllable pronunciation even as an option.
Still, I'll likely add "realize" to my list of words to avoid just to keep the question from coming up. Thanks for the comments!
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
I suspect that's the problem right there. "Real" is being pronounced as "reel," losing a syllable. I grew up in basically the middle of the areas >>Pascoite lists, so I naturally pronounce it that way too.
Long vowels:
Followed by liquid consonants--words that rhyme with "eel"
I suspect that's the problem right there. "Real" is being pronounced as "reel," losing a syllable. I grew up in basically the middle of the areas >>Pascoite lists, so I naturally pronounce it that way too.
>>The_Letter_J
>>Trick_Question
>>LoftyWithers
>>horizon
>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
Five months later:
This poem, now titled "Mirror, Mirror", is up in its revised form on the Silver Blade website. Thanks again for everyone's help here!
Mike
>>Trick_Question
>>LoftyWithers
>>horizon
>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
Five months later:
This poem, now titled "Mirror, Mirror", is up in its revised form on the Silver Blade website. Thanks again for everyone's help here!
Mike