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I like the structure to this. There's no regular rhythm, but I don't know that would add anything for lines this short. A bit of the language is stretched (particularly the "clicks"), but for the most part it's effective.
I feel like something's gone over my head here. Stanzas 2-4 give some lovely picture of seasons changing, even though they're a bit out of order. Even that could be a deliberate effect. But the other stanzas place a mirror in the woods and make me a character. That's the piece I'm missing. I don't know what my role is supposed to be or why this mirror would be there. I can take a stab, assuming the mirror is a pond and I'm the sky or some such, but there's nothing I can come up with that makes everything fall into place. I like the language, but I only got half of what it was saying.
I feel like something's gone over my head here. Stanzas 2-4 give some lovely picture of seasons changing, even though they're a bit out of order. Even that could be a deliberate effect. But the other stanzas place a mirror in the woods and make me a character. That's the piece I'm missing. I don't know what my role is supposed to be or why this mirror would be there. I can take a stab, assuming the mirror is a pond and I'm the sky or some such, but there's nothing I can come up with that makes everything fall into place. I like the language, but I only got half of what it was saying.
This is a really cool format, and I think you execute on it nicely. With each stanza setting the scene and describing a state of change, it really adds a layer of implication to the last stanza.
I've got mixed feelings about the use of second person. On the one hand, it does add a feeling of unsettling-ness to the whole affair, but on the other hand, it feels a little contrived/cheap to me. But still, when I replace the "you" with "he" or "she" in my head, it definitely loses some of the impact, so I think it was the right decision, although I'm still kind of disoriented and taken out of the flow by it.
I'm not quite sure how to fix the issue I'm describing without removing a part of the poem's identity, so I'm going to take it as a sign that this might be more of a personal hang-up than a major problem.
Thank you for submitting!
I've got mixed feelings about the use of second person. On the one hand, it does add a feeling of unsettling-ness to the whole affair, but on the other hand, it feels a little contrived/cheap to me. But still, when I replace the "you" with "he" or "she" in my head, it definitely loses some of the impact, so I think it was the right decision, although I'm still kind of disoriented and taken out of the flow by it.
I'm not quite sure how to fix the issue I'm describing without removing a part of the poem's identity, so I'm going to take it as a sign that this might be more of a personal hang-up than a major problem.
Thank you for submitting!
>>LoftyWithers
Ummm:
If you're saying you wrote this one, then you've just disqualified yourself from the contest...
Mike
Ummm:
If you're saying you wrote this one, then you've just disqualified yourself from the contest...
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
I won't say either way about authorship. I'm just providing an answer to the question at the end.
Because
Also because I like Mojo Jojo and the Power Puff Girls.
I won't say either way about authorship. I'm just providing an answer to the question at the end.
Who is this reflection?
Because
You stare
Also because I like Mojo Jojo and the Power Puff Girls.
>>Pascoite
>>Bachiavellian
>>LoftyWithers
>>Baal Bunny
So, I know this is a bit late, but I wanted to thank you guys for reviewing my poem.
Change was about a mirror in the woods, and when you look at it, you see what you will be in the future, hence the caterpillar molding into a butterfly, etc. I do agree that the ‘you’ perspective at the end is clunky, but I couldn’t find a better way to do it, like Bachi said.
I know you guys may feel disheartened to review because you get less and less likes and reviews of the story, but I wanted to let you guys know I always read and appreciate your feedback. <3
>>Bachiavellian
>>LoftyWithers
>>Baal Bunny
So, I know this is a bit late, but I wanted to thank you guys for reviewing my poem.
Change was about a mirror in the woods, and when you look at it, you see what you will be in the future, hence the caterpillar molding into a butterfly, etc. I do agree that the ‘you’ perspective at the end is clunky, but I couldn’t find a better way to do it, like Bachi said.
I know you guys may feel disheartened to review because you get less and less likes and reviews of the story, but I wanted to let you guys know I always read and appreciate your feedback. <3