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She Ships by the Seashore
“I made a friend today! She was playing in the water by the cove. I said hello and we had a race. She won, of course!
I’ve never met a hippogriff. Her name--”
Birchbud stopped her quill.
She didn’t know her name. She hadn’t actually met her. But she had seen the stranger playing at the end of the beach near her parents’ cottage. It was evening now, the end of the first day of summer. White gold in the sky turned amethyst and dusky blue.
The quill glowed orange and rose again, scratching out the last line.
“She’s so pretty and fun. I can’t wait to hang out with her again.”
Birchbud smiled as she waited for the ink to dry, then put the paper away.
It’s a nice story, she thought.
In the years her family had spent summering here, Birchbud had rarely met anypony her own age. The next day, though, an unusual-looking foal appeared on the nextdoor lanai, reading a book about marine animals. Birchbud was also interested in marine animals!
“Ocellus,” someone called from inside, and the foal disappeared. Birchbud sighed.
“Ocellus and I have a lot in common," she wrote that night. "I don’t think we’ll ever run out of things to talk about. She knows so many interesting things!”
On the third day Birchbud ventured out with a book about invertebrates. It was so interesting that she walked right into a young earth pony in the middle of the path.
“Hey, you okay? What’s your name? I’m Sandbar.” He had a friendly voice.
At that moment, Birchbud panicked. “I...Brr..uhh...I gotta go!”
“Oh, cool cool. Later, Bruh!”
That evening she sat out on the deck of the cottage, watching turtles play in the surf. She looked at a blank piece of paper, picked up her quill and began to write.
“Ever meet somepony and just know you’re going to be good friends? I could probably tell Sandbar anything. But then sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all, you know? Today he asked me to sit with him, and we just sat with our hooves in the surf.
His eyes are warm like the sea.”
Cheeks burning, she put her papers away.
I should try to talk to them, she thought.
What if they don’t like me?
Midsummer came. Late one afternoon the three were playing together on the beach, keeping a ball in the air. Birchbud sat in the shade outside, watching them play, watching a sailboat on the water. The breeze whistled over the empty bottles on the deck behind her.
“Good one, Silver!” Sandbar cheered.
Silverstream, Sandbar, Ocellus. She imagined going sailing with the three of them. Laughing together. Best of friends.
A harsh thought interrupted: You can’t even say hello.
Birchbud’s heart sank. She went inside to where she kept her stories. Watching the sailboat through her window, listening to the singing breeze, she had an idea.
Later, she walked toward the water, down the beach from where the other children played. Her magic carried a bottle holding a folded paper ship with sails full of stories.
They’ll find this and be so flattered, she thought. Then I’ll introduce myself.
She tossed the bottle to the waves and instantly regretted it.
They’ll freak out! I have to get it back!
But soon it was out of reach of her magic, dancing on the water, and Silverstream had noticed it. She swooped for the bottle and brought it ashore. Birchbud hesitated, then galloped toward her.
“Is that writing?” asked Ocellus as the trio gathered around.
“That’s mine!” Birchbud gasped. “Sorry! Can...Can I have it back, please?”
“Oh, hey, Bruh! No need to apologize.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Birchbud’s my name. Sor--uh--thank you.”
“Birchbud!” said Sandbar. “It's good to see you again. Wanna come to our bonfire tonight?”
Her heart jumped. Oh no, she thought.
“Okay,” she said, and fled again.
Dark fell. The three friends smiled when Birchbud returned.
“Nice to meet you, Birch,” said Silverstream.
“Hi,” said Ocellus.
“Make yourself at home,” Sandbar waved. “We’re just chillin’.”
For a long time they sat in silence. The waves crashed. The moon rose. Birchbud began to relax. The fire crackled, and she stirred it with magic the color of the flame’s outmost edge.
“Pretty!” Silverstream exclaimed.
They talked and Birchbud watched and listened, and she learned about her new friends. Sandbar sat on the blanket beside her. After a while he turned and asked:
“So, Birchbud, know any good stories?”
I’ve never met a hippogriff. Her name--”
Birchbud stopped her quill.
She didn’t know her name. She hadn’t actually met her. But she had seen the stranger playing at the end of the beach near her parents’ cottage. It was evening now, the end of the first day of summer. White gold in the sky turned amethyst and dusky blue.
The quill glowed orange and rose again, scratching out the last line.
“She’s so pretty and fun. I can’t wait to hang out with her again.”
Birchbud smiled as she waited for the ink to dry, then put the paper away.
It’s a nice story, she thought.
In the years her family had spent summering here, Birchbud had rarely met anypony her own age. The next day, though, an unusual-looking foal appeared on the nextdoor lanai, reading a book about marine animals. Birchbud was also interested in marine animals!
“Ocellus,” someone called from inside, and the foal disappeared. Birchbud sighed.
“Ocellus and I have a lot in common," she wrote that night. "I don’t think we’ll ever run out of things to talk about. She knows so many interesting things!”
On the third day Birchbud ventured out with a book about invertebrates. It was so interesting that she walked right into a young earth pony in the middle of the path.
“Hey, you okay? What’s your name? I’m Sandbar.” He had a friendly voice.
At that moment, Birchbud panicked. “I...Brr..uhh...I gotta go!”
“Oh, cool cool. Later, Bruh!”
That evening she sat out on the deck of the cottage, watching turtles play in the surf. She looked at a blank piece of paper, picked up her quill and began to write.
“Ever meet somepony and just know you’re going to be good friends? I could probably tell Sandbar anything. But then sometimes you don’t have to say anything at all, you know? Today he asked me to sit with him, and we just sat with our hooves in the surf.
His eyes are warm like the sea.”
Cheeks burning, she put her papers away.
I should try to talk to them, she thought.
What if they don’t like me?
Midsummer came. Late one afternoon the three were playing together on the beach, keeping a ball in the air. Birchbud sat in the shade outside, watching them play, watching a sailboat on the water. The breeze whistled over the empty bottles on the deck behind her.
“Good one, Silver!” Sandbar cheered.
Silverstream, Sandbar, Ocellus. She imagined going sailing with the three of them. Laughing together. Best of friends.
A harsh thought interrupted: You can’t even say hello.
Birchbud’s heart sank. She went inside to where she kept her stories. Watching the sailboat through her window, listening to the singing breeze, she had an idea.
Later, she walked toward the water, down the beach from where the other children played. Her magic carried a bottle holding a folded paper ship with sails full of stories.
They’ll find this and be so flattered, she thought. Then I’ll introduce myself.
She tossed the bottle to the waves and instantly regretted it.
They’ll freak out! I have to get it back!
But soon it was out of reach of her magic, dancing on the water, and Silverstream had noticed it. She swooped for the bottle and brought it ashore. Birchbud hesitated, then galloped toward her.
“Is that writing?” asked Ocellus as the trio gathered around.
“That’s mine!” Birchbud gasped. “Sorry! Can...Can I have it back, please?”
“Oh, hey, Bruh! No need to apologize.”
She couldn’t help but laugh. “Birchbud’s my name. Sor--uh--thank you.”
“Birchbud!” said Sandbar. “It's good to see you again. Wanna come to our bonfire tonight?”
Her heart jumped. Oh no, she thought.
“Okay,” she said, and fled again.
Dark fell. The three friends smiled when Birchbud returned.
“Nice to meet you, Birch,” said Silverstream.
“Hi,” said Ocellus.
“Make yourself at home,” Sandbar waved. “We’re just chillin’.”
For a long time they sat in silence. The waves crashed. The moon rose. Birchbud began to relax. The fire crackled, and she stirred it with magic the color of the flame’s outmost edge.
“Pretty!” Silverstream exclaimed.
They talked and Birchbud watched and listened, and she learned about her new friends. Sandbar sat on the blanket beside her. After a while he turned and asked:
“So, Birchbud, know any good stories?”
Pics
Sweet and relatable shortfic about acute social anxiety. Birchbud's characterization is about what I'd expect from an introverted youngster. The use of her imagination as a coping mechanism, her creative writing, her self-loathing. It's handled well.
Less well handled is your story's structure. The short, snippity episodes that we get don't have quite enough lead-in or progression to them; they could all be rearranged into basically any order, as long as they ended on the last couple, and very little about the story would change. Coupled with that, there isn't a lot of progression or development with Birchbud's character up until she makes the decision to... uh... mail her erotic friendfiction to the StudentSix Three.
I'd recommend teasing things out a little bit more. Maybe show her daring to go a little bit further with each new character she observes, teasing herself with how close she can get before being noticed. Build a sense of momentum, progress. And maybe her journals about them get more intense and personal as they go, rather than these descriptions of their dynamics with one another. Do more to distinguish the personas that Birchbudweiser builds for these characters in her head.
For instance, I note a little bit of attraction in the way she talks about Sandbar (Silverstream, too, to a lesser extent). Maybe you could seize on that, and develop it more. Or do whatever you like with them, I dunno.
Just, make it all signify something. You dig?
On a final note:
As far as she knows Silverstream's name is just "Silver." Make sure you stay grounded in what the character plausibly knows.
Less well handled is your story's structure. The short, snippity episodes that we get don't have quite enough lead-in or progression to them; they could all be rearranged into basically any order, as long as they ended on the last couple, and very little about the story would change. Coupled with that, there isn't a lot of progression or development with Birchbud's character up until she makes the decision to... uh... mail her erotic friendfiction to the Student
I'd recommend teasing things out a little bit more. Maybe show her daring to go a little bit further with each new character she observes, teasing herself with how close she can get before being noticed. Build a sense of momentum, progress. And maybe her journals about them get more intense and personal as they go, rather than these descriptions of their dynamics with one another. Do more to distinguish the personas that Birchbudweiser builds for these characters in her head.
For instance, I note a little bit of attraction in the way she talks about Sandbar (Silverstream, too, to a lesser extent). Maybe you could seize on that, and develop it more. Or do whatever you like with them, I dunno.
Just, make it all signify something. You dig?
On a final note:
“Good one, Silver!” Sandbar cheered.
Silverstream, Sandbar, Ocellus. She imagined going sailing with the three of them. Laughing together. Best of friends.
As far as she knows Silverstream's name is just "Silver." Make sure you stay grounded in what the character plausibly knows.
I honestly can't say anything on this better than what Posh wrote in their comment. I very much echo the same sentiments, as well as the recommendations to try and tease/develop this out more.
Still, this was a lot of character packed into a tight fic, and it still worked really well. Open it up to more word count though and it'll really sing. Nice job!
Still, this was a lot of character packed into a tight fic, and it still worked really well. Open it up to more word count though and it'll really sing. Nice job!
Bruh.
Something I liked:
I'm gonna diverge from Pish Posh and say that I like how this is structured. Very few minifics have this episodic feel to them, given word count limits, but this pulls it off pretty nicely and without feeling rushed. We learn about Birchbeetle pretty fast, despite her being an OC. Some people love to be surrounded by ocean and the beach and all that, but there's this loneliness to Birchbrother's character that's palpable, yet never goes over the top. I can imagine the author being picky with what words to keep, since this is written in such a refined and economical way. Gotta respect that.
Something I didn't like:
Too many characters. Or rather I think this entry would benefit from just focusing on the budding friendship (maybe even romance) between Birchbitch and Sandbar, or maybe Silverstream. Having three of the student six be here causes Birchbourbon's interactions to be unfocused, and since we're given so few words to work with she only get a few lines with each member. Thus, the relationships feel undeveloped, but this is something that can be fixed for FimFic.
Verdict: A cute, if mildly depressing character study that's mid-tier for me, or maybe upper third.
Something I liked:
I'm gonna diverge from Pish Posh and say that I like how this is structured. Very few minifics have this episodic feel to them, given word count limits, but this pulls it off pretty nicely and without feeling rushed. We learn about Birchbeetle pretty fast, despite her being an OC. Some people love to be surrounded by ocean and the beach and all that, but there's this loneliness to Birchbrother's character that's palpable, yet never goes over the top. I can imagine the author being picky with what words to keep, since this is written in such a refined and economical way. Gotta respect that.
Something I didn't like:
Too many characters. Or rather I think this entry would benefit from just focusing on the budding friendship (maybe even romance) between Birchbitch and Sandbar, or maybe Silverstream. Having three of the student six be here causes Birchbourbon's interactions to be unfocused, and since we're given so few words to work with she only get a few lines with each member. Thus, the relationships feel undeveloped, but this is something that can be fixed for FimFic.
Verdict: A cute, if mildly depressing character study that's mid-tier for me, or maybe upper third.
This is good. It was difficult for me to read because I was initially certain that it was headed for Cliche Sad End. I think I'd like the story better if her stories were increasingly fantastic or imaginative or inappropriate.
I agree with most of what >>Posh has already written.
I'd put a comma after "orange" or rephrase. I had to read this three times before I realized her aura didn't have two colors.
Make some friends with the "hr" tag.
I agree with most of what >>Posh has already written.
The quill glowed orange and rose again, scratching out the last line.
I'd put a comma after "orange" or rephrase. I had to read this three times before I realized her aura didn't have two colors.
Make some friends with the "hr" tag.
On one hoof, this could be read as being a bit creepy, as those stories comprise a large part of her reality (as opposed to actual reality). On the other hoof, it's endearing, sobering, and/or rather sad to watch a character struggling with herself so much.
Sometimes the break between reality and fiction was blurred such that I had to re-read a section to be certain -- this could be a strength or a weakness of the piece. Similarly, the style of writing strikes me as a bit disjointed and a bit infantile, which could be a deliberate effect (and somewhat effective).
The last question there seems very scary, as, from what we the reader has seen, those stories tend to revolve around those asking, whom Birch doesn't actually know. How she and they handle her response could be a very significant or telling moment in their nascent friendship, and we the reader are deprived of learning how it happens.
Sometimes the break between reality and fiction was blurred such that I had to re-read a section to be certain -- this could be a strength or a weakness of the piece. Similarly, the style of writing strikes me as a bit disjointed and a bit infantile, which could be a deliberate effect (and somewhat effective).
The last question there seems very scary, as, from what we the reader has seen, those stories tend to revolve around those asking, whom Birch doesn't actually know. How she and they handle her response could be a very significant or telling moment in their nascent friendship, and we the reader are deprived of learning how it happens.
Genre: Social Anxiety
Thoughts: I’ve been on a pro-OC kick this round, and I’ll mention it again: writing OCs is hard to do well, much less when you have so little space to do it in. This story takes its OC and weaves them into every aspect of the story, from concept, to structure, to the lens through which we see every action unfolding. It’s beyond just being the “perspective” character; we get so deep in their perspective that the story couldn’t exist without it. Da’s good!
I will complain some, however, about the very fragmentary nature of the episodes presented here. It’s all presented very economically, but my beef is that there isn’t a ton being told. The progression from watching, to encountering, to hanging with the Young Half-Six, feels its limited breathing room. Ultimately I’m left with the oldest complaint in the history of minific Writeoffs: IMO this just needs more words to let itself build. But fear not Author; there’s an equally long history of promising minifics making successful jumps to FimFiction in the 1000-1250 word rangeWHICH IS WHY I STILL THINK WE SHOULD EXPAND THE WORDCOUNT OF MINIFIC ROUNDS TO AT LEAST 1K OR SOMETHING AARGH ROGER WITNESS ME.
I’ll pick a bit on the final line, too. I think it’s not quite landing right now, because it’s not clear what direction it’s trying to pull things in. Granted, it gives the feeling of being very thematically consistent with our heroine’s storytelling tendencies; but there’s both darkness and light on that path, and I’m not sure which way we’re going.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I’ve been on a pro-OC kick this round, and I’ll mention it again: writing OCs is hard to do well, much less when you have so little space to do it in. This story takes its OC and weaves them into every aspect of the story, from concept, to structure, to the lens through which we see every action unfolding. It’s beyond just being the “perspective” character; we get so deep in their perspective that the story couldn’t exist without it. Da’s good!
I will complain some, however, about the very fragmentary nature of the episodes presented here. It’s all presented very economically, but my beef is that there isn’t a ton being told. The progression from watching, to encountering, to hanging with the Young Half-Six, feels its limited breathing room. Ultimately I’m left with the oldest complaint in the history of minific Writeoffs: IMO this just needs more words to let itself build. But fear not Author; there’s an equally long history of promising minifics making successful jumps to FimFiction in the 1000-1250 word range
I’ll pick a bit on the final line, too. I think it’s not quite landing right now, because it’s not clear what direction it’s trying to pull things in. Granted, it gives the feeling of being very thematically consistent with our heroine’s storytelling tendencies; but there’s both darkness and light on that path, and I’m not sure which way we’re going.
Tier: Almost There
You win imaginary points for writing about the Young Six. I've said it in the discord chat already, but for good measure I'll repeat it here
You're all sleeping on the Young Six.
I have two things to say. The first is to expand on KwirkyJ's commentary about the ending: It's written to be a clincher, but since it ties back into Birchbud's "stories" she wrote of these three, it's a little confusing what it's supposed to signify. After all, they're only asking if she has any stories, and Birchbud could tell them literally anything. She seems to have the imagination for it. Or, if she wants, she could reveal the stories she's written, but as Kwirky says (as does Birchbud) that would likely come off very off-putting to these three. And yet the line is presented to be very uplifting, a sort of success for our main character. She's overcome her anxiety, at least for today.
Really, if the thing about the stories in a bottle hadn't happened, I think that last line would be a lot better. As others have mentioned, really lean on Birchbud as a storyteller, maybe even give her stories in her arsenal that aren't about these three that she wish she could tell them about, and that ending line could really shine.
My only other comment is about Sandbar's voice. His vernacular isn't so surfer-dude heavy. I understand why it happened—his voice actor sounds so much like a surfer I'm pretty sure he was born on a boogie board—but to my knowledge Sandbar doesn't say things like "Bruh" or "Chillin".
That's it! Thanks for writing!
You're all sleeping on the Young Six.
I have two things to say. The first is to expand on KwirkyJ's commentary about the ending: It's written to be a clincher, but since it ties back into Birchbud's "stories" she wrote of these three, it's a little confusing what it's supposed to signify. After all, they're only asking if she has any stories, and Birchbud could tell them literally anything. She seems to have the imagination for it. Or, if she wants, she could reveal the stories she's written, but as Kwirky says (as does Birchbud) that would likely come off very off-putting to these three. And yet the line is presented to be very uplifting, a sort of success for our main character. She's overcome her anxiety, at least for today.
Really, if the thing about the stories in a bottle hadn't happened, I think that last line would be a lot better. As others have mentioned, really lean on Birchbud as a storyteller, maybe even give her stories in her arsenal that aren't about these three that she wish she could tell them about, and that ending line could really shine.
My only other comment is about Sandbar's voice. His vernacular isn't so surfer-dude heavy. I understand why it happened—his voice actor sounds so much like a surfer I'm pretty sure he was born on a boogie board—but to my knowledge Sandbar doesn't say things like "Bruh" or "Chillin".
That's it! Thanks for writing!
Now I'll be honest, I haven't really warmed up to the Student 6 yet. I mean, I won't let that impact how I vote on this story, but I'm letting you know so that you'll know to take my comments with a grain of salt.
Okay, to start things off, I really like how strongly Birchbud's voice comes across in her writing, and in the narration itself. It's really endearing, and her journal entries do make it feel like we're getting to know her. Nicely done!
But I think one part of the story that kind of rubs on me the wrong way is the general pacing. It's just that you've really cut up your word count a lot, here. With six scenes, we're going to be averaging 125 words per scene. When I write, I usually try to give the reader about fifty to a hundred words at the start of each scene just to orient themselves. I'm not saying that you should write this story the way I would have, but I just want to highlight that jumping from scene to scene really can take a toll on your readers' attention.
Another note that I want to make, is that I feel like the best parts of the story were the first three scenes, before Birchbud starts interacting in earnest with our three Student characters. Part of this is because once Birchburd starts talking to them, we lose the journal entry approach that I really thought worked well. Another part is probably the fact that I'm just not very familiar with the Student 6, and I don't know what makes them tick, so when they become bigger players, I kinda lose my place. Grain of salt, remember?
So overall, this is a really cute story, but I'm not exactly cozy with it yet, because of how things are paced and structured. I hope that kind of makes sense!
Thank you very much for writing this!
Okay, to start things off, I really like how strongly Birchbud's voice comes across in her writing, and in the narration itself. It's really endearing, and her journal entries do make it feel like we're getting to know her. Nicely done!
But I think one part of the story that kind of rubs on me the wrong way is the general pacing. It's just that you've really cut up your word count a lot, here. With six scenes, we're going to be averaging 125 words per scene. When I write, I usually try to give the reader about fifty to a hundred words at the start of each scene just to orient themselves. I'm not saying that you should write this story the way I would have, but I just want to highlight that jumping from scene to scene really can take a toll on your readers' attention.
Another note that I want to make, is that I feel like the best parts of the story were the first three scenes, before Birchbud starts interacting in earnest with our three Student characters. Part of this is because once Birchburd starts talking to them, we lose the journal entry approach that I really thought worked well. Another part is probably the fact that I'm just not very familiar with the Student 6, and I don't know what makes them tick, so when they become bigger players, I kinda lose my place. Grain of salt, remember?
So overall, this is a really cute story, but I'm not exactly cozy with it yet, because of how things are paced and structured. I hope that kind of makes sense!
Thank you very much for writing this!
>>Bachiavellian
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/190/373/131942790061.jpg
I'm not exactly cozy with it yet
https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/190/373/131942790061.jpg
This is a story that speaks to me on a very personal level and does a fantastic job of expressing how social anxiety feels, at least to me. That's part of the reason it's resting at the very top of my list, but it's also there because of the very good quality of the writing, descriptions, and a pace that feels steady even as it skips forward in time. It doesn't seem like a word of this is wasted, either in describing what Birchbud is going through, or in giving us a better idea of her voice.
I do think that if it's going to be published, it needs to definitively say that Birchbud is coming out of her shell at the end, or show us that. While you can definitely assume that, it's just not explicitly shown. It's fine to end without the actual action take place, as long as we get some signal, even if that's just mentioning her nagging self-doubt is finally silent, or if she at least takes the action to more defiantly ignore it.
I do think that if it's going to be published, it needs to definitively say that Birchbud is coming out of her shell at the end, or show us that. While you can definitely assume that, it's just not explicitly shown. It's fine to end without the actual action take place, as long as we get some signal, even if that's just mentioning her nagging self-doubt is finally silent, or if she at least takes the action to more defiantly ignore it.