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Like the others, I found the first half to have more tension. I honestly expected the bookmaker's apprentice to have sabotaged the train. And I expected Antonio to take more action than a prayer.
But my overarching, one thought is this:
I'd start a sports league.
Yes. It would be called simply War.
I'd buy a city or three. Absolutely fill it with cameras. Outfit participants with weapons, clothing, equipment, training. Team leagues, individual leagues. There would be a division for Flintlocks and Tomahawks. High Noon. The Great War. WWII.
Some would fight for glory. Some because they are tired of life. But most of them are fighting to open up citizen slots. Every tenth slot you open is reserved for you.
Happy hunting.
But my overarching, one thought is this:
I'd start a sports league.
Yes. It would be called simply War.
I'd buy a city or three. Absolutely fill it with cameras. Outfit participants with weapons, clothing, equipment, training. Team leagues, individual leagues. There would be a division for Flintlocks and Tomahawks. High Noon. The Great War. WWII.
Some would fight for glory. Some because they are tired of life. But most of them are fighting to open up citizen slots. Every tenth slot you open is reserved for you.
Happy hunting.
I'm split here, too, author:
Mary has a complete character arc, sure--I mean, she's quite literally answered the call to adventure--but is that enough? This could easily blossom out into a novel, but as a short story, I don't know if it quite satisfies...
Mike
Mary has a complete character arc, sure--I mean, she's quite literally answered the call to adventure--but is that enough? This could easily blossom out into a novel, but as a short story, I don't know if it quite satisfies...
Mike
>>Monokeras
It can happen, depending on the composition of the primer compound (mercury fulminate vs lead styphnate vs whatever crush or friction sensitive explosive they use on this planet) and the primer construction (is it a modern primer where the compound is crushed between the firing pin and the anvil? Is it a firing pin that penetrates through the primer and ignites the compound by friction?), how old the cartridge is and how it was stored, and what type of powder it is and, again, how it was stored.
I've used guns in temperatures where most gun oils gel up sufficiently to slow down a firing pin and prevent ignition. That's another possibility.
Long story short, it's a reasonable thing to happen. When I read that bit, I paused for a second, thought about how cold that would have to be for the various failure modes, nodded, and moved on.
The author may have just made a guess, gone with something that sounded reasonable without questioning it, or may actually have enough technical knowledge that an accurately described event seems unrealistic to someone unfamiliar with the field. The latter has bitten me before.
*shrug*
EDIT: also Cassius mentioned me a line where it is said rounds cannot be fired because of the cold. Does that even make sense?
It can happen, depending on the composition of the primer compound (mercury fulminate vs lead styphnate vs whatever crush or friction sensitive explosive they use on this planet) and the primer construction (is it a modern primer where the compound is crushed between the firing pin and the anvil? Is it a firing pin that penetrates through the primer and ignites the compound by friction?), how old the cartridge is and how it was stored, and what type of powder it is and, again, how it was stored.
I've used guns in temperatures where most gun oils gel up sufficiently to slow down a firing pin and prevent ignition. That's another possibility.
Long story short, it's a reasonable thing to happen. When I read that bit, I paused for a second, thought about how cold that would have to be for the various failure modes, nodded, and moved on.
The author may have just made a guess, gone with something that sounded reasonable without questioning it, or may actually have enough technical knowledge that an accurately described event seems unrealistic to someone unfamiliar with the field. The latter has bitten me before.
*shrug*
I liked the idea that the "message in a bottle" was the booze that foretold of an imminent mission.
I also liked the setting. Fictional places and battles in a war that could easily be historical. There wasn't much overlap between reinforced
I had only minor difficulty following the flashbacks. They worked well to highlight the struggle within Stefan at each moment - both to provide context within the larger story of the war and Stefan's history, and thematically for each minor conflict as the story builds to its climax.
I had a story with flashbacks, which confused readers, and someone (I forget who) suggested that I put the entire flashback into italics. It worked very well. You did well placing the setting of the flashbacks firmly in the warm sunny woods, and it took only until the second or third sentence for me to figure it out.
I also liked the setting. Fictional places and battles in a war that could easily be historical. There wasn't much overlap between reinforced
I had only minor difficulty following the flashbacks. They worked well to highlight the struggle within Stefan at each moment - both to provide context within the larger story of the war and Stefan's history, and thematically for each minor conflict as the story builds to its climax.
I had a story with flashbacks, which confused readers, and someone (I forget who) suggested that I put the entire flashback into italics. It worked very well. You did well placing the setting of the flashbacks firmly in the warm sunny woods, and it took only until the second or third sentence for me to figure it out.
This story:
Reminded me of two other stories, one called "The Screwfly Solution" by Alice Sheldon--it's a lovely, depressing story about the extinction of the human race that's remarkable prescient considering it was published in 1977, 40 years before anybody ever heard the term "incel"--and "City in the Ice" from this very competition.
It's because of that second one that this story doesn't quite work for me. See, in "City of Ice," the characters commit suicide for a very distinct reason. Here, Marcus kills himself...why exactly? He doesn't know what the aliens are doing and has no idea if his death will really upset their long-term plans. I need more motivation for his action, author, need him to uncover more of what's going on so he can kill himself for a reason. Right now, he's killing himself over a supposition...
Mike
Reminded me of two other stories, one called "The Screwfly Solution" by Alice Sheldon--it's a lovely, depressing story about the extinction of the human race that's remarkable prescient considering it was published in 1977, 40 years before anybody ever heard the term "incel"--and "City in the Ice" from this very competition.
It's because of that second one that this story doesn't quite work for me. See, in "City of Ice," the characters commit suicide for a very distinct reason. Here, Marcus kills himself...why exactly? He doesn't know what the aliens are doing and has no idea if his death will really upset their long-term plans. I need more motivation for his action, author, need him to uncover more of what's going on so he can kill himself for a reason. Right now, he's killing himself over a supposition...
Mike
Well, the idea is not that off-the-wall. I just read an article on the Guardian which clearly states that the energy output of the Sun will increase as it ages, and in two billion years the ocean could boil (that’s well before the Sun will go nova by the way).
Refreshing, isn’t it? Not exactly.
That being said, the story just another take on a very hackneyed scenario: a community is about to be destroyed, and only a few ones (or a single one) will be able to survive. That’s Titanic bis. And yeah, of course, in a situation like this, a single spark will suffice to ignite a tussle over who will be the fittest and make it while the others die.
But the story, although deliciously cynical (close to Mars Attacks! in a way) is flawed: there is no reason for anyone to cast the Qloph’s affirmation about the Sun catastrophe in doubt, since apparently scientists back it. So everyone’s acting “in good faith”.
At the end, I don’t really grok the message of the story. Is it: “we should have decided all together peacefully who was going to survive” – knowing that this is simply unrealistic – “but we’re too uncivilized to do this”? Or: “we should’ve been a bit smarter, refuse to back that deal, and die as a race in peace, knowing that a single survivor wouldn’t be enough anyway to rebuild the human race. Surviving would simply buy them small extra time, that’s all.”
Also, if you wanted to “go for broke” in cynicism, you could’ve had the aliens broadcast a message: “Oh boy, it was just a joke!” and leave without anyone. In a way, that would’ve been more satisfactory to me.
Refreshing, isn’t it? Not exactly.
That being said, the story just another take on a very hackneyed scenario: a community is about to be destroyed, and only a few ones (or a single one) will be able to survive. That’s Titanic bis. And yeah, of course, in a situation like this, a single spark will suffice to ignite a tussle over who will be the fittest and make it while the others die.
But the story, although deliciously cynical (close to Mars Attacks! in a way) is flawed: there is no reason for anyone to cast the Qloph’s affirmation about the Sun catastrophe in doubt, since apparently scientists back it. So everyone’s acting “in good faith”.
At the end, I don’t really grok the message of the story. Is it: “we should have decided all together peacefully who was going to survive” – knowing that this is simply unrealistic – “but we’re too uncivilized to do this”? Or: “we should’ve been a bit smarter, refuse to back that deal, and die as a race in peace, knowing that a single survivor wouldn’t be enough anyway to rebuild the human race. Surviving would simply buy them small extra time, that’s all.”
Also, if you wanted to “go for broke” in cynicism, you could’ve had the aliens broadcast a message: “Oh boy, it was just a joke!” and leave without anyone. In a way, that would’ve been more satisfactory to me.
>>Scramblers and Shadows
>>Miller Minus
>>horizon
A Matter of Nautical Communication - Message in a Bottle
(a space opera in one act)
I thought about setting this in the Honor Harrington universe, but decided to go generic instead because A) That would involve research and B) I’d still mess up some details between the People’s Republic of Haven or the Silesian Confederacy.
Anyway, after reading through all of the stories in the Writeoff (for a change), this one deserves to be way down there near the bottom. Seriously, there was a severe outbreak of Brillian Muse Fever among the other authors this weekend, and I only caught a corner of it. It did trigger an idea, though. If I ever get time (Ha!), I was considering writing a Starship Troopers crossover with Twilight Sparkle in the position of Rico. Guess who the Skinnies are going to be? Yep.
Anyway, the story’s various flaws to date:
It’s light on details because (duh) writeoffs don’t let me have a lot of time to work them in, and besides, the wife had me help getting the garage sale done this year. That’s why I went generic on the space opera setup too. “Dear, I can’t help you move the box springs because I’m doing research. No, I’m not just reading a book. Why are you dragging my tools out into the sale pile? Ok, I’ll come help.”
One of the advantages of following a standard line of fiction is the ‘holes’ can be filled in by the reader, so I can use ‘fusion bottle’ and people nod, or ‘nerve disruptor’ and they likewise know generally what it is without a paragraph or two of detailing proton-proton fusion.
Also (and I thought I detailed this enough), the rewired heaters are in the *acceleration couch* oxygen supply, not the suit, which would be nearly impossible to do. “Excuse me, can I modify your space suit while you hold that gun on me?” Yeah, no. Hence, Orpo’s gentle encouragement of the thug to have a seat and plug his air into the ship’s systems. (Which is a major complaint I have about The Expanse engineering. I mean putting your auxiliary oxygen connector *behind* your head? Some engineer needs shot.)
I should have foreshadowed more with the buggering up the couch, but NOT to the point of giving the booby trap away like Burn Notice. After all, that’s Television, which is written to a far lower reading level and practically *has* to tell everything it shows or the studios get a million phone calls. I did a poor job of building up suspense across the story, because he goes from being one step away from getting killed to one step away from getting killed, and it’s hard to crank up the tension there, so that’s something I’ll have to watch. Maybe if they had brought him in ‘nice’ at first, made a few insincere promises, escalated as the trip went on and his supposed value dropped, etc…
(I was going to use a dialogue scene for the O2 heater setup, but it broke the story flow and I had to go move chairs for the sale, so sigh.)
>>Miller Minus
>>horizon
A Matter of Nautical Communication - Message in a Bottle
(a space opera in one act)
I thought about setting this in the Honor Harrington universe, but decided to go generic instead because A) That would involve research and B) I’d still mess up some details between the People’s Republic of Haven or the Silesian Confederacy.
Anyway, after reading through all of the stories in the Writeoff (for a change), this one deserves to be way down there near the bottom. Seriously, there was a severe outbreak of Brillian Muse Fever among the other authors this weekend, and I only caught a corner of it. It did trigger an idea, though. If I ever get time (Ha!), I was considering writing a Starship Troopers crossover with Twilight Sparkle in the position of Rico. Guess who the Skinnies are going to be? Yep.
Anyway, the story’s various flaws to date:
It’s light on details because (duh) writeoffs don’t let me have a lot of time to work them in, and besides, the wife had me help getting the garage sale done this year. That’s why I went generic on the space opera setup too. “Dear, I can’t help you move the box springs because I’m doing research. No, I’m not just reading a book. Why are you dragging my tools out into the sale pile? Ok, I’ll come help.”
One of the advantages of following a standard line of fiction is the ‘holes’ can be filled in by the reader, so I can use ‘fusion bottle’ and people nod, or ‘nerve disruptor’ and they likewise know generally what it is without a paragraph or two of detailing proton-proton fusion.
Also (and I thought I detailed this enough), the rewired heaters are in the *acceleration couch* oxygen supply, not the suit, which would be nearly impossible to do. “Excuse me, can I modify your space suit while you hold that gun on me?” Yeah, no. Hence, Orpo’s gentle encouragement of the thug to have a seat and plug his air into the ship’s systems. (Which is a major complaint I have about The Expanse engineering. I mean putting your auxiliary oxygen connector *behind* your head? Some engineer needs shot.)
I should have foreshadowed more with the buggering up the couch, but NOT to the point of giving the booby trap away like Burn Notice. After all, that’s Television, which is written to a far lower reading level and practically *has* to tell everything it shows or the studios get a million phone calls. I did a poor job of building up suspense across the story, because he goes from being one step away from getting killed to one step away from getting killed, and it’s hard to crank up the tension there, so that’s something I’ll have to watch. Maybe if they had brought him in ‘nice’ at first, made a few insincere promises, escalated as the trip went on and his supposed value dropped, etc…
(I was going to use a dialogue scene for the O2 heater setup, but it broke the story flow and I had to go move chairs for the sale, so sigh.)
It’s a nice little story, but a bit shallow to me. The “twist” is very classic.
Bogdana means “God’s gift” also in Slavic. I think the story might take place in former Yugo- (=South) Slavia. That would explain the position of Italy in the West and Saxony (presumably Austria) North.
I have little to say apart from this. It’s a nice piece, but it doesn’t leave a lasting taste in mouth.
Bogdana means “God’s gift” also in Slavic. I think the story might take place in former Yugo- (=South) Slavia. That would explain the position of Italy in the West and Saxony (presumably Austria) North.
I have little to say apart from this. It’s a nice piece, but it doesn’t leave a lasting taste in mouth.
Since I seem to be:
In a "compare/contrast" mode, let me say how much this made me think of "Call Waiting." They're both very much character driven, and while that other one's mostly just a beginning, this one's mostly just a middle. This one does a good job of giving us the pertinent details of what happened earlier--though I did get a little confused with the transition to the flashback about the last time Stefan was involved with pulling casings out of a hat--but the ending hit a little too abruptly. Maybe have the condemned soldier marched in under guard or something and have Stefan still need to ask what's happening. Just another couple of clues before giving us the punchline.
Mike
In a "compare/contrast" mode, let me say how much this made me think of "Call Waiting." They're both very much character driven, and while that other one's mostly just a beginning, this one's mostly just a middle. This one does a good job of giving us the pertinent details of what happened earlier--though I did get a little confused with the transition to the flashback about the last time Stefan was involved with pulling casings out of a hat--but the ending hit a little too abruptly. Maybe have the condemned soldier marched in under guard or something and have Stefan still need to ask what's happening. Just another couple of clues before giving us the punchline.
Mike
When I read this, I realised I'd need a few days to organise my thoughts. Now it's been a few days, am I'm no closer to understanding how I reacted to this story. But something is better than nothing, so have some inchoate thoughts instead.
Suffice to say, I found it a slog to get through, it didn't arouse any emotions in me -- and right now I kind of want to put it at the top of my slate.
The technical skill on display here is undeniable. The structure is everything I can ask for. It's novel, but complete. Everything weaves together in a coherent whole. The theme of noble lies, gets its variations from the grand to the miniscule. Repetition is used as it should. The ending – a farce with a Chekhovian inversion – underlines it perfectly.
So why didn't I like it?
I have no idea.
Perhaps it's because the story claims wisdom – it seems in love with its own portentiousness – and yet seems to lack it. There are many offhand observations here, the sort of gently ironic jabs at human foibles that can work so well. And yet none of them do anything for me. In fact, most of them seem, if not cliches, then on the border of becoming so. The main thrust of the story, we all its utilitarian pulpit-thumping, certainly is. Then there's the feminist showing strength by socking a sexist.
Perhaps its because that for a story driven by questions of humanity, there's not much humanity on display. Most of it feels like it's told at a remove. I don't want to say unemotional prose is bad – used effectively, it can be incredibly heart-wrenching. Indeed, my favourite author writes like this pretty much all the time. But here, for whatever reason, it isn't effective. There are a couple of moments of genuine tenderness – Victor's telegram, and Helena's last moments with him.
But everything else feels like a grim slog through duties. That doesn't arouse much melancholy in me.
The end result: Most of the time, my reaction to events wasn't “this is sad”, but “oh look, the sotry is trying to make me feel sad”. And that's no fun at all.
What else can I say to a story that seems to be doing everything it should, but is failing at its most important task: Making my feel something? After some dithering between putting this at the top of my slate and the abstain box, I think I may have to opt for the latter.
Suffice to say, I found it a slog to get through, it didn't arouse any emotions in me -- and right now I kind of want to put it at the top of my slate.
The technical skill on display here is undeniable. The structure is everything I can ask for. It's novel, but complete. Everything weaves together in a coherent whole. The theme of noble lies, gets its variations from the grand to the miniscule. Repetition is used as it should. The ending – a farce with a Chekhovian inversion – underlines it perfectly.
So why didn't I like it?
I have no idea.
Perhaps it's because the story claims wisdom – it seems in love with its own portentiousness – and yet seems to lack it. There are many offhand observations here, the sort of gently ironic jabs at human foibles that can work so well. And yet none of them do anything for me. In fact, most of them seem, if not cliches, then on the border of becoming so. The main thrust of the story, we all its utilitarian pulpit-thumping, certainly is. Then there's the feminist showing strength by socking a sexist.
Perhaps its because that for a story driven by questions of humanity, there's not much humanity on display. Most of it feels like it's told at a remove. I don't want to say unemotional prose is bad – used effectively, it can be incredibly heart-wrenching. Indeed, my favourite author writes like this pretty much all the time. But here, for whatever reason, it isn't effective. There are a couple of moments of genuine tenderness – Victor's telegram, and Helena's last moments with him.
But everything else feels like a grim slog through duties. That doesn't arouse much melancholy in me.
The end result: Most of the time, my reaction to events wasn't “this is sad”, but “oh look, the sotry is trying to make me feel sad”. And that's no fun at all.
What else can I say to a story that seems to be doing everything it should, but is failing at its most important task: Making my feel something? After some dithering between putting this at the top of my slate and the abstain box, I think I may have to opt for the latter.
This is (admittedly engaging and poignant) Frostpunk fanfiction.
I dithered a bit on whether or not to call this out, Writer, but a significant amount of this story - the setting of a near-frozen city arranged in concentric circles, local industry comprised entirely of coal mining, steel manufacturing, and hothouses, the approaching doom of an unfathomably cold storm, details like decrees for diluted soup to help ration food and a propaganda center that allows a maximum of five workers - is lifted straight from the game.
Let me be clear, though - I think this story holds up on its own, as illustrated by the comments from other readers above, and I like the story quite a bit. The five characters you’ve created and the stories you’ve woven together of their final days in service to the city allow for a very zoomed in and specific view of this place, something the game tries to do at times but not nearly as well. This scenario certainly lends itself to the Lost Cities style, of which I’m a fan.
However, I’m also a fan of Frostpunk, and… yeah. I think the minor tweaks you’ve added, like having the nomenclature be Norwegian instead of English, are interesting touches, but at the end of the day, this is a Frostpunk story.
I dithered a bit on whether or not to call this out, Writer, but a significant amount of this story - the setting of a near-frozen city arranged in concentric circles, local industry comprised entirely of coal mining, steel manufacturing, and hothouses, the approaching doom of an unfathomably cold storm, details like decrees for diluted soup to help ration food and a propaganda center that allows a maximum of five workers - is lifted straight from the game.
Let me be clear, though - I think this story holds up on its own, as illustrated by the comments from other readers above, and I like the story quite a bit. The five characters you’ve created and the stories you’ve woven together of their final days in service to the city allow for a very zoomed in and specific view of this place, something the game tries to do at times but not nearly as well. This scenario certainly lends itself to the Lost Cities style, of which I’m a fan.
However, I’m also a fan of Frostpunk, and… yeah. I think the minor tweaks you’ve added, like having the nomenclature be Norwegian instead of English, are interesting touches, but at the end of the day, this is a Frostpunk story.
It could be that this story was too hyped before I had a chance to get to it, but it didn't land with me as well as some of the other entries. It's certainly good, but I wasn't blown away, which is admittedly a classic sign of overhype. But at the same time I did see some dissenting opinions as well, so I'd like to think I went in with an open mind.
I think my main concern was that I got thrown off the ride a couple times by having to re-read sentences and paragraphs. The pacing felt rushed despite its length, with a lot of important details of the city itself glossed over really quickly for the sake of the wordcount constraint, such that I had trouble getting a full picture. I'd point to Hakon's portion as being the worst offender. I can follow up to the food guy being pulled out of his home with his family, but then Hakon disappears, and there's a parade? (Fuck, you know what it is? You said "the watch brought the food guy out", followed by "he" proclaimed something. I didn't realize it was Hakon speaking. I thought it was the food guy demanding he be shown his dignity, but then as it continued I thought it might be a member of the watch under orders. Partially because of the "he" not being specific enough, but also because the propagandists so far have been presented as not wanting to draw any attention to themselves.)
And I can't help but disagree with >>Baal Bunny that the omniscient narrator feels like a character in this story as opposed to City of Cards. I agree it's written better, which may lessen the strange detachment of the narration, but both stories still gave me the same effect: like a writer is speaking to me as opposed to anyone with any stake in the matter. It's still better than Cards, but I think it's still... not a problem, but something that could be changed to improve on the story. If "what does the narrator know and when did they know it" is going to play into your story, then I think it's more fun to discover this stuff along with them, or be told how they discovered it as they go along, or something like that.
I mulled over what to say about this story on my drive home from work, and in that time >>Icenrose left their comment, and I got more disappointed. I haven't played Frostpunk, but if everything there is true, then I can't help but feel that the small changes to the universe, such as the core language, are meant to conceal where the inspiration is from, as opposed to providing a desired impact on the story. I'm not interested in arguing about how this stands against the rules of the writeoff—I imagine it's just fine—but suffice it to say it loses spots on my slate for not being as original as other entries.
But take nothing away from the prose itself or the characterization, which I understand was all your doing. But still. You know? But still.
I think my main concern was that I got thrown off the ride a couple times by having to re-read sentences and paragraphs. The pacing felt rushed despite its length, with a lot of important details of the city itself glossed over really quickly for the sake of the wordcount constraint, such that I had trouble getting a full picture. I'd point to Hakon's portion as being the worst offender. I can follow up to the food guy being pulled out of his home with his family, but then Hakon disappears, and there's a parade? (Fuck, you know what it is? You said "the watch brought the food guy out", followed by "he" proclaimed something. I didn't realize it was Hakon speaking. I thought it was the food guy demanding he be shown his dignity, but then as it continued I thought it might be a member of the watch under orders. Partially because of the "he" not being specific enough, but also because the propagandists so far have been presented as not wanting to draw any attention to themselves.)
And I can't help but disagree with >>Baal Bunny that the omniscient narrator feels like a character in this story as opposed to City of Cards. I agree it's written better, which may lessen the strange detachment of the narration, but both stories still gave me the same effect: like a writer is speaking to me as opposed to anyone with any stake in the matter. It's still better than Cards, but I think it's still... not a problem, but something that could be changed to improve on the story. If "what does the narrator know and when did they know it" is going to play into your story, then I think it's more fun to discover this stuff along with them, or be told how they discovered it as they go along, or something like that.
I mulled over what to say about this story on my drive home from work, and in that time >>Icenrose left their comment, and I got more disappointed. I haven't played Frostpunk, but if everything there is true, then I can't help but feel that the small changes to the universe, such as the core language, are meant to conceal where the inspiration is from, as opposed to providing a desired impact on the story. I'm not interested in arguing about how this stands against the rules of the writeoff—I imagine it's just fine—but suffice it to say it loses spots on my slate for not being as original as other entries.
But take nothing away from the prose itself or the characterization, which I understand was all your doing. But still. You know? But still.
I’d just like to add, before the round is over, kudos for mentioning ham radio. You didn’t speak with me, so did you speak with Bloons?
Gosh it’s been a while since I didn’t hold a microphone in my hands or even a soldering iron, but all is not lost…
Gosh it’s been a while since I didn’t hold a microphone in my hands or even a soldering iron, but all is not lost…
>>Haze
>>Baal Bunny
>>Monokeras
>>Hap
A-ha! When I made finals I assumed this would be where I ended up.
So, fun fact about me, but I write my rough drafts with my head entirely up my own ass. I submitted this one anyways, thinking I had finally beaten my curse, but I slowly over the course of 2 hours after submission started picking flecks of you-know-what out of my hair and realized I had done no such thing.
But in short, this is a rough draft for something I'd like to make a hell of a lot longer... And better. Thanks to M. Bunny for pointing out the poor choice in narration. And to everyone for their comments in general. I'd like to think I have a good idea that needs much better execution.
I don't plan on dissecting this story much more than that, but I will leave my inspiration for those who are interested.
Oh, and this is a different Panda Express. You don't know it. It, uh... It goes to a different school...
>>Baal Bunny
>>Monokeras
>>Hap
A-ha! When I made finals I assumed this would be where I ended up.
So, fun fact about me, but I write my rough drafts with my head entirely up my own ass. I submitted this one anyways, thinking I had finally beaten my curse, but I slowly over the course of 2 hours after submission started picking flecks of you-know-what out of my hair and realized I had done no such thing.
But in short, this is a rough draft for something I'd like to make a hell of a lot longer... And better. Thanks to M. Bunny for pointing out the poor choice in narration. And to everyone for their comments in general. I'd like to think I have a good idea that needs much better execution.
I don't plan on dissecting this story much more than that, but I will leave my inspiration for those who are interested.
Oh, and this is a different Panda Express. You don't know it. It, uh... It goes to a different school...
G'day, mates. First-time contender here, and now the results are in, congrats to GaPJaxie for the well-deserved first place. Bonza!
I had planned to keep mum as a mystery contender, but what the hell; let's be polite and respond instead.
>>Fenton
Not sure about this comment. Is that a "wow, this is good" or a "wow, this is bad"? Hard to read at my end.
>>Hap
I'm not sure what you mean about the narration, as it seems no different to me from start to finish. Don't suppose I could request an example or two for help?
Regarding Amaterasu's "alien-ness": that's a hard criticism to interpret. I don't know if you put it there simply to toss ideas out, or as a subtle criticism of my characterization. A clarification would be welcome.
I agree with you about the ending, though you made a damn good guess all the same. But I did muddle it and I'm not happy with the result either. Truth is I was still tinkering with the bioweapon subplot right up to the end, which didn't do me no favours.
>>Monokeras
Oh, the message was supposed to be a mystery. It was meant to be a case of "you've read the story and got an idea about what these two are like; what's your take?", but it didn't mesh well with all the other mysteries floating around, which probs weakened it a tick.
The rest, though, is a legit critique. Last-minute tinkering is to blame. I was a bit fuzzy on the specs near the finish and failed to make them fit together properly.
Also, re: the draggy middle, it was meant to build character and suspense, but I think I did too much of the first and not enough of the second. Maybe introducing the bioweapon plot sooner and making it matter more would have worked.
Also also, re: everything else: Thanks! And "elaborate" I'm gonna take as a compliment.
>>Baal Bunny
I'm not gonna lie: I half-thought this comment was a wind-up at first. See, I did get your point for revealing Melissa's ID early on. In hindsight, I'm not sure why I did that beyond getting distracted by other story stuff. And I won't go to bat for the ending, which was a mess I spent too long trying to fix, especially the bioweapon subplot.
But I'm not sure the whole thing was THAT big a muddle.
I mean, it's not like I just wrote on the fly, without the reader in mind. The rest of your advice I swear I used beforehand, to give the readers the details as and when they seemed to be needed. I had the characters, setting, and events planned out and everything, right down to the topics for discussion every few hundred words. I was constantly asking myself what readers needed to know and when. Short of being a micromanager, I'm not sure just planning more is gonna help. That it's unclear throughout the entire fic is a bit much too much more than I can take. Surely it wasn't that bad?
I do get the larger point that a bit of grounding, like horizon says and you seem to be saying, would be top stuff. I mean, I'll try harder, sure. I did reread it to get an idea of what seemed to make sense, and tinkered with the thing up until the end. But if that wasn't enough the first time round, I don't think "do it more next time" will work.
Honestly, I think the bigger problem is either trying to be too complicated (esp. at the end) and-or trying to leave too many mysteries at once, which is why the ending didn't fit together properly. That's my best guess.
>>horizon
"an ambitious story with some great interactions": Aw man, can I frame this and hang it on my wall?
Same as I've said to the others: I see where you're coming from. Half of it was too much tinkering with the ending; the bioweapon thing was a clumsy last-minute addition to try and fit the abandoned station with Amaterasu's breakdown, but the result is it just cuts off at the end. The other half I think was leaving too many mysteries floating. Cos I knew the solutions to them, I just assumed I'd left enough clues for readers to figure them out too (Hap seemed to nail it, for example), and the message at the end was meant as some meat to chew over afterwards.
The naming of the station's main parts was just to make clear the parallel between being trapped on an island in the sea and being trapped on the station in space. It really wasn't much more than that. Also, I'm not really sure a proofreader is practical for such a tight time schedule.
The grounding thing I definitely will remember for next time. That's my takeaway from all this.
TO ALL: Ta for the feedback, and hope to cross paths with you again next writeoff! Toodle-oo!
I had planned to keep mum as a mystery contender, but what the hell; let's be polite and respond instead.
>>Fenton
Not sure about this comment. Is that a "wow, this is good" or a "wow, this is bad"? Hard to read at my end.
>>Hap
I'm not sure what you mean about the narration, as it seems no different to me from start to finish. Don't suppose I could request an example or two for help?
Regarding Amaterasu's "alien-ness": that's a hard criticism to interpret. I don't know if you put it there simply to toss ideas out, or as a subtle criticism of my characterization. A clarification would be welcome.
I agree with you about the ending, though you made a damn good guess all the same. But I did muddle it and I'm not happy with the result either. Truth is I was still tinkering with the bioweapon subplot right up to the end, which didn't do me no favours.
>>Monokeras
Oh, the message was supposed to be a mystery. It was meant to be a case of "you've read the story and got an idea about what these two are like; what's your take?", but it didn't mesh well with all the other mysteries floating around, which probs weakened it a tick.
The rest, though, is a legit critique. Last-minute tinkering is to blame. I was a bit fuzzy on the specs near the finish and failed to make them fit together properly.
Also, re: the draggy middle, it was meant to build character and suspense, but I think I did too much of the first and not enough of the second. Maybe introducing the bioweapon plot sooner and making it matter more would have worked.
Also also, re: everything else: Thanks! And "elaborate" I'm gonna take as a compliment.
>>Baal Bunny
I'm not gonna lie: I half-thought this comment was a wind-up at first. See, I did get your point for revealing Melissa's ID early on. In hindsight, I'm not sure why I did that beyond getting distracted by other story stuff. And I won't go to bat for the ending, which was a mess I spent too long trying to fix, especially the bioweapon subplot.
But I'm not sure the whole thing was THAT big a muddle.
I mean, it's not like I just wrote on the fly, without the reader in mind. The rest of your advice I swear I used beforehand, to give the readers the details as and when they seemed to be needed. I had the characters, setting, and events planned out and everything, right down to the topics for discussion every few hundred words. I was constantly asking myself what readers needed to know and when. Short of being a micromanager, I'm not sure just planning more is gonna help. That it's unclear throughout the entire fic is a bit much too much more than I can take. Surely it wasn't that bad?
I do get the larger point that a bit of grounding, like horizon says and you seem to be saying, would be top stuff. I mean, I'll try harder, sure. I did reread it to get an idea of what seemed to make sense, and tinkered with the thing up until the end. But if that wasn't enough the first time round, I don't think "do it more next time" will work.
Honestly, I think the bigger problem is either trying to be too complicated (esp. at the end) and-or trying to leave too many mysteries at once, which is why the ending didn't fit together properly. That's my best guess.
>>horizon
"an ambitious story with some great interactions": Aw man, can I frame this and hang it on my wall?
Same as I've said to the others: I see where you're coming from. Half of it was too much tinkering with the ending; the bioweapon thing was a clumsy last-minute addition to try and fit the abandoned station with Amaterasu's breakdown, but the result is it just cuts off at the end. The other half I think was leaving too many mysteries floating. Cos I knew the solutions to them, I just assumed I'd left enough clues for readers to figure them out too (Hap seemed to nail it, for example), and the message at the end was meant as some meat to chew over afterwards.
The naming of the station's main parts was just to make clear the parallel between being trapped on an island in the sea and being trapped on the station in space. It really wasn't much more than that. Also, I'm not really sure a proofreader is practical for such a tight time schedule.
The grounding thing I definitely will remember for next time. That's my takeaway from all this.
TO ALL: Ta for the feedback, and hope to cross paths with you again next writeoff! Toodle-oo!
Congrats to our medalists:
And thanks for the comments, folks. I wanted to try two experiments here: first, to write a story with only human characters in it and second, to write a story that focused completely on the character while only kind of implying the larger action of the story. Neither of them quite worked out, but I think I got a kernal that I can do more work on.
Thanks again!
Mike
And thanks for the comments, folks. I wanted to try two experiments here: first, to write a story with only human characters in it and second, to write a story that focused completely on the character while only kind of implying the larger action of the story. Neither of them quite worked out, but I think I got a kernal that I can do more work on.
Thanks again!
Mike
>>BlueChameleonVI
One thing to take from this is that it's pretty essential to get another viewpoint whenever you have some sort of mystery. The author already knows the solution, so he has no idea how effective the clues he's leaving will be to a reader. of course, he's not operating completely blind, as he can make reasonable assumptions of what readers will pick up, but on the more subtle parts, that's very hard to gauge.
Proofreading really depends on your schedule. If you're working right up to the deadline, then of course you don't have room for it, but I posted earlier in the thread about being available for feedback on the Discord server. I would have been happy to help.
One thing to take from this is that it's pretty essential to get another viewpoint whenever you have some sort of mystery. The author already knows the solution, so he has no idea how effective the clues he's leaving will be to a reader. of course, he's not operating completely blind, as he can make reasonable assumptions of what readers will pick up, but on the more subtle parts, that's very hard to gauge.
Proofreading really depends on your schedule. If you're working right up to the deadline, then of course you don't have room for it, but I posted earlier in the thread about being available for feedback on the Discord server. I would have been happy to help.
>>Pascoite
That makes sense, especially the part about the subtle clues making it harder to predict what'll land and what'll miss. Plus, I had more than one mystery on the go. That's basically open season for people a-hunting for clues and connections.
On this occasion, yeah, I was working right up to the finish, and I overlooked most of the comments anyway. I did find your comment just now, though (>>Pascoite), so I'll bear that in mind next time. Cheers!
That makes sense, especially the part about the subtle clues making it harder to predict what'll land and what'll miss. Plus, I had more than one mystery on the go. That's basically open season for people a-hunting for clues and connections.
On this occasion, yeah, I was working right up to the finish, and I overlooked most of the comments anyway. I did find your comment just now, though (>>Pascoite), so I'll bear that in mind next time. Cheers!
>>horizon
>>Baal Bunny
>>Scramblers and Shadows
>>Monokeras
Thank you all for your comments. Very helpful.
I did set this in a vaguely-defined place in a vaguely-defined time, somewhere in the slavic lands sometime in the medieval ages. Italy is vaguely to the west, and Saxony is vaguely to the north-ish.
Fun story. I had no idea what I was going to write. All day at work on Friday, I was trying to think of a hook for a story. Nothing. Saturday afternoon, I thought I should write about the message being the booze in the bottle. Then I had the idea for a storyteller who trades stories for booze. But I couldn't get past the second paragraph. Sunday afternoon, I deleted the story. It just wasn't going anywhere.
Thought I'd go to bed early. The wife asked how my story was going. Told her I deleted it. She asked what it was about. Not much. She said, "why don't you have it end this way?"
Actually a pretty good idea.
So I got up and hammered out the story in about two hours.
Turns out, I completely misunderstood what she meant. But it was a decent attempt, I think.
>>Baal Bunny
>>Scramblers and Shadows
>>Monokeras
Thank you all for your comments. Very helpful.
I did set this in a vaguely-defined place in a vaguely-defined time, somewhere in the slavic lands sometime in the medieval ages. Italy is vaguely to the west, and Saxony is vaguely to the north-ish.
Fun story. I had no idea what I was going to write. All day at work on Friday, I was trying to think of a hook for a story. Nothing. Saturday afternoon, I thought I should write about the message being the booze in the bottle. Then I had the idea for a storyteller who trades stories for booze. But I couldn't get past the second paragraph. Sunday afternoon, I deleted the story. It just wasn't going anywhere.
Thought I'd go to bed early. The wife asked how my story was going. Told her I deleted it. She asked what it was about. Not much. She said, "why don't you have it end this way?"
Actually a pretty good idea.
So I got up and hammered out the story in about two hours.
Turns out, I completely misunderstood what she meant. But it was a decent attempt, I think.
>>Hap
Now you got me really curious as to what she meant :/
Turns out, I completely misunderstood what she meant.
Now you got me really curious as to what she meant :/
>>MLPmatthewl419
I think she had intended for the last scene to feature Ratimir, all grown up, having earned his own stories to tell, finding a bottle on the side of the road that inspired him to remember Hob and begin spinning a tale much like the one you read.
I think she had intended for the last scene to feature Ratimir, all grown up, having earned his own stories to tell, finding a bottle on the side of the road that inspired him to remember Hob and begin spinning a tale much like the one you read.
Most of what I have to say about this story has already been said: it was very well written, the opening grabbed me at once, it flowed naturally and was easy to read, and the first half had more tension than the second. It could benefit from polish, but that's mostly just nitpicking.
That said, there is one thing about the premise that bugged me, and I think it's what stands between The Garden being a good story and being a great story.
Letting us know why the protagonists care.
In real life, I'm getting toward thirty and I don't have children. While I would like to have children at some point, it's not an overwhelming desire. I'm not a woman, but there are certainly plenty of women who choose not to have children, and the desire not to have children tends to correlate with affluence and stability. So in a highly affluent, highly stable future society with strong restrictions against having children, I'd expect most couples would be okay with the idea that they can never have kids. Never having kids is normal.
But the people in this story? The women and couples competing for the available slots and watching the news for deaths? They aren't normal. They're the crazy 0.1% of people who really truly want to have children more than anything else. The dangerous fanatics of this future age.
Perhaps, instead of all the women in town gathering, it's a group of women spread out over the country. Perhaps there are online message boards dedicated to how to game the system, colored by the fact that everyone on them is competing against each other. Perhaps, after someone blows up a church to make room for more children, the normal people start to be suspicious of these dedicated breeders.
After all, none of them would have derailed that train just for the right to raise a little human. But until the police are sure it's an accident, best not to get too close to the Penas.
Details may vary, but I think a little more detail on why the protagonists feel they way they do would do a lot to make this story come to life.
That said, there is one thing about the premise that bugged me, and I think it's what stands between The Garden being a good story and being a great story.
Letting us know why the protagonists care.
In real life, I'm getting toward thirty and I don't have children. While I would like to have children at some point, it's not an overwhelming desire. I'm not a woman, but there are certainly plenty of women who choose not to have children, and the desire not to have children tends to correlate with affluence and stability. So in a highly affluent, highly stable future society with strong restrictions against having children, I'd expect most couples would be okay with the idea that they can never have kids. Never having kids is normal.
But the people in this story? The women and couples competing for the available slots and watching the news for deaths? They aren't normal. They're the crazy 0.1% of people who really truly want to have children more than anything else. The dangerous fanatics of this future age.
Perhaps, instead of all the women in town gathering, it's a group of women spread out over the country. Perhaps there are online message boards dedicated to how to game the system, colored by the fact that everyone on them is competing against each other. Perhaps, after someone blows up a church to make room for more children, the normal people start to be suspicious of these dedicated breeders.
After all, none of them would have derailed that train just for the right to raise a little human. But until the police are sure it's an accident, best not to get too close to the Penas.
Details may vary, but I think a little more detail on why the protagonists feel they way they do would do a lot to make this story come to life.
>>horizon
Thank you! I am much glad you enjoyed it! And your detailed feedback is helpful.
Yeah. I did it this way because I wanted to evoke the feel of Lost Cities, but the more I look at it (and your exchange with Hap below) the more I feel it's not right for the story. It really buried the lead.
I learned something today!
I've never actually seen a telegram. I got the "STOP" bit from old vaudeville plays that used "DON'T START STOP" as a recurring slapstick joke.
Thank you! I am much glad you enjoyed it! And your detailed feedback is helpful.
Spice up your opening. It tells us nothing about the story except for a bare minimum about the setting — we don't even learn until a paragraph later that the city's a ruin. Even just changing "city" to "dead city" would be an improvement, but I think this could go significantly farther toward setting a hook with the meat of the premise.
Yeah. I did it this way because I wanted to evoke the feel of Lost Cities, but the more I look at it (and your exchange with Hap below) the more I feel it's not right for the story. It really buried the lead.
"QUERY" would be the question-mark indicator, most punctuation wouldn't be spelled out unless needed, and you certainly wouldn't say QUERY STOP because that would mean "?."
I learned something today!
I've never actually seen a telegram. I got the "STOP" bit from old vaudeville plays that used "DON'T START STOP" as a recurring slapstick joke.
>>Baal Bunny
The narrator tone is an interesting side effect of the revision process. It started as a highly characterized narrator -- the narrator was a historian talking about the city. But as I wrote it, more questions started to pop up about how a historian knows all of these personal details. I revised it to be an omniscient narrator, but a lot of the characterization lingered after the revision.
I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of a characterized omniscient narrator, but I'm glad it worked here.
The narrator tone is an interesting side effect of the revision process. It started as a highly characterized narrator -- the narrator was a historian talking about the city. But as I wrote it, more questions started to pop up about how a historian knows all of these personal details. I revised it to be an omniscient narrator, but a lot of the characterization lingered after the revision.
I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of a characterized omniscient narrator, but I'm glad it worked here.
>>Cassius
I write stories!
More seriously, that's hilarious -- and totally unintentional. I guess my writing style is a little predictable! Well done on calling that out.
I write stories!
More seriously, that's hilarious -- and totally unintentional. I guess my writing style is a little predictable! Well done on calling that out.
>>Cassius
>>Hap
>>horizon
This entire exchange on the opening was fantastic. I feel like i learned more about story openers from reading this than I did from some of my books on writing.
And of course, Cassius is right. The opening was an homage to Lost Cities, a series that has a very faerie tale feel, while this story is brutally cynical. I thought it would be a harmless nod, but it actually really changed the tone of the opening, and in a way that didn't match with the rest of the story.
Now it all makes sense!
>>Hap
>>horizon
This entire exchange on the opening was fantastic. I feel like i learned more about story openers from reading this than I did from some of my books on writing.
And of course, Cassius is right. The opening was an homage to Lost Cities, a series that has a very faerie tale feel, while this story is brutally cynical. I thought it would be a harmless nod, but it actually really changed the tone of the opening, and in a way that didn't match with the rest of the story.
Tl;Dr horizon was right all along and is an infallible god even when he fails to read things—reality will simply shift to a timeline where he is correct if he ever is in error.
Now it all makes sense!
>>Scramblers and Shadows
>>Monokeras
I think these are two sides of the same problem: I didn't have five people's worth of things to say. Three propagandists instead of five would have driven this story much better, and allowed me to go into more detail on each one to avoid the "history book" tone.
Thanks for the detailed feedback as well. This was really helpful to figuring out why the story didn't click as well as it could have.
>>Monokeras
I think these are two sides of the same problem: I didn't have five people's worth of things to say. Three propagandists instead of five would have driven this story much better, and allowed me to go into more detail on each one to avoid the "history book" tone.
Thanks for the detailed feedback as well. This was really helpful to figuring out why the story didn't click as well as it could have.
>>Icenrose
Snowponies!
More seriously, while you're right on all of the above points, I would describe it as an homage rather than inspiration. While it borrows a lot of superficial elements (rings, the name "Oxbridge", etc) all the characters and the details of Equa Ventura are original.
I guess you could call it transformative fiction, and if you feel that's not appropriate for the writeoff, that's a fair discussion to have. But I thought it was original enough to stand on its own merits.
Still, I'm glad you liked it. :)
landstjóra means "Land Captain." Had to get in one last stealth reference!
This is (admittedly engaging and poignant) Frostpunk fanfiction.
Snowponies!
More seriously, while you're right on all of the above points, I would describe it as an homage rather than inspiration. While it borrows a lot of superficial elements (rings, the name "Oxbridge", etc) all the characters and the details of Equa Ventura are original.
I guess you could call it transformative fiction, and if you feel that's not appropriate for the writeoff, that's a fair discussion to have. But I thought it was original enough to stand on its own merits.
Still, I'm glad you liked it. :)
However, I’m also a fan of Frostpunk, and… yeah. I think the minor tweaks you’ve added, like having the nomenclature be Norwegian instead of English, are interesting touches, but at the end of the day, this is a Frostpunk story.
landstjóra means "Land Captain." Had to get in one last stealth reference!
>>Rao
>>Monokeras
>>Haze
>>Hap
>>Baal Bunny
Poor Stefan.
Seriously though, I cannot believe this won. Thank you everyone who voted for it! I am irrationally pleased. ^_^
All the battles are fictional. There was no Battle of Sarthe, or Jia Point, and there is no fortress by Macraw Lake. I wanted to evoke the rough themes of WW1, not be historically accurate.
I love that movie.
Yeah, I think cleaning up the flashbacks is the biggest point of improvement here. The ending comes second -- I was quite unhappy with it, but was also out of time to write. I think the revised version will add a little to the stories length, and as suggested, make it clear he's ready to bolt before finally dropping the reveal.
>>Monokeras
>>Haze
>>Hap
>>Baal Bunny
Poor Stefan.
Seriously though, I cannot believe this won. Thank you everyone who voted for it! I am irrationally pleased. ^_^
There is no Battle of Sarthe. Sarthe is a département 150 km west of Paris, in whose main city (Le Mans) I teach. I can guarantee you no German solder ever set foot in it, except maybe in 1870 but that’s not the conflict you’re depicting here. You must be mixing up with Battle of the Somme, which is way norther and was one of the big slaughters of WW1 (hundredth anniversary of the armistice is looming, 11 Nov. 2018).
All the battles are fictional. There was no Battle of Sarthe, or Jia Point, and there is no fortress by Macraw Lake. I wanted to evoke the rough themes of WW1, not be historically accurate.
Zubrowka, like in the film Grand Budapest Hotel?
I love that movie.
I had only minor difficulty following the flashbacks. They worked well to highlight the struggle within Stefan at each moment - both to provide context within the larger story of the war and Stefan's history, and thematically for each minor conflict as the story builds to its climax.
This one does a good job of giving us the pertinent details of what happened earlier--though I did get a little confused with the transition to the flashback about the last time Stefan was involved with pulling casings out of a hat--but the ending hit a little too abruptly.
Yeah, I think cleaning up the flashbacks is the biggest point of improvement here. The ending comes second -- I was quite unhappy with it, but was also out of time to write. I think the revised version will add a little to the stories length, and as suggested, make it clear he's ready to bolt before finally dropping the reveal.
So, yes. I'm the culprit here. And a most-controversial medal for both rounds of voting? Ace.
>>Rao
Thank you! Once I had the title, I knew I had to lurch into completely different territory.
>>Hap
This is going down as one of my favourite comments about anything I've written.
Also, since my degree is in the sciences, I'm inordinately pleased I can successfully imitate the lit crowd.
Also this. This is a very astute observation. Misato is, if you'll forgive the lit-grad phrase, present in her absence. So it ifts nicely that only appears in the story when spoken of, or spoken to.
>>Monokeras
Thanks! What's the correct Sarte quote?
>>Haze
Thank you! I'm glad someone got the Skins ref.
I don't understand this. Where is the lie?
But I do like the fact that in a story where I quote Sarte, Borges and Milton, and throw around a couple of other literary references, it's the line from a popular teen drama that makes me pretentious. I'll gleefully accept that epithet.
>>Rao
Thank you! Once I had the title, I knew I had to lurch into completely different territory.
>>Hap
Profoundly uncomfortable and not even a little bit enjoyable. This is going to the top of my slate.
This is going down as one of my favourite comments about anything I've written.
Also, since my degree is in the sciences, I'm inordinately pleased I can successfully imitate the lit crowd.
And I think the choice of format is designed to reinforce that idea. It's only a basic framework, just like Misato. Only the perception of her mattered, and there is nothing in this story but the perception of her.
Also this. This is a very astute observation. Misato is, if you'll forgive the lit-grad phrase, present in her absence. So it ifts nicely that only appears in the story when spoken of, or spoken to.
>>Monokeras
Thanks! What's the correct Sarte quote?
>>Haze
Thank you! I'm glad someone got the Skins ref.
Here it's not so much of a twist but turns into a complete lie ...
I don't understand this. Where is the lie?
But I do like the fact that in a story where I quote Sarte, Borges and Milton, and throw around a couple of other literary references, it's the line from a popular teen drama that makes me pretentious. I'll gleefully accept that epithet.
>>BlueChameleonVI
This was a "wow, this is some good stuff" comment. And just like >>horizon; this should have passed the prelims. I intended to come back with a longer and detailed review but I didn't have find the time at the moment (I didn't even find the time to even read all the entries)
This was a "wow, this is some good stuff" comment. And just like >>horizon; this should have passed the prelims. I intended to come back with a longer and detailed review but I didn't have find the time at the moment (I didn't even find the time to even read all the entries)
>>Fenton
Sweet of you to say so! No worries, though. So long as I know what you mean, it's all OK. Anyway, there's always a next time when I can try my luck and make it to finals. Am I right, or am I right?
Sweet of you to say so! No worries, though. So long as I know what you mean, it's all OK. Anyway, there's always a next time when I can try my luck and make it to finals. Am I right, or am I right?
>>Scramblers and Shadows
Tout est à la fois piège et parade; la réalité secrète de l’objet, c’est ce qu’en fera l’Autre.
All is both trap and …; the secret reality of the object is what the other will make of it.
parade is hard to translate. It’s a parade of course, but I think here it means more “showing-off”, “flaunting”. “Display” is an understatement here. But as usual, with Sartre, it’s mostly non-sequitur.
Tout est à la fois piège et parade; la réalité secrète de l’objet, c’est ce qu’en fera l’Autre.
All is both trap and …; the secret reality of the object is what the other will make of it.
parade is hard to translate. It’s a parade of course, but I think here it means more “showing-off”, “flaunting”. “Display” is an understatement here. But as usual, with Sartre, it’s mostly non-sequitur.