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Whenever I run out of space and/or time for a story, I end up writing extremely short scenes toward the end. Gotta power through that narrative somehow!
I think that's what happened here. This feels like the author wanted to put a lot more story in it, but wasn't able to make it fit in three days. I'll be interested to see how it gets expanded.
I think that's what happened here. This feels like the author wanted to put a lot more story in it, but wasn't able to make it fit in three days. I'll be interested to see how it gets expanded.
You read the accident report, now read the story!
Yeah, nothing to add here. As an Airman, I love reading about airplanes and the people who fly them, but there's really no story. I could see this as a scene in a Tom Clancy novel, but only as that -- a scene.
Yeah, nothing to add here. As an Airman, I love reading about airplanes and the people who fly them, but there's really no story. I could see this as a scene in a Tom Clancy novel, but only as that -- a scene.
Good luck to the finalists!
Impending Doom
That story was named ‘The cupboard’ at first, but I found it rather a silly title so decided to change it just before the deadline.
Turns out this was a good leaning exercise, but definitely not a story worth enduring. Will be unpublished as soon as rules permit. Thanks to all reviewers for reading it, and for your awesome reviews.
This is loosely inspired by stories like Shining or Poltergeist or Pet Cemetery as Cassius pointed out (don’t forget I grew up during the ‘80s). It was more conceived as a horror movie than a true story, and this explains the weak hook at the beginning: IMHO, horror movies often begin with a first scene simply showing how lackadaisical the life of the protagonists is (think about Shining for example), before the factor that will wreak havoc arrives. Cassius said the first sentence was ‘cinematic’ and that’s spot on, but I also need to be able to pull out such sentences: describing a vehicle stopping and backing into a driveway is not that easy to me. Nevertheless, I thought about cutting it and starting at scene 3, but finally reckoned it would be more info-dumpy with a lot of elements to stuff in a very short space (the cupboard, the prior fire, the guy, his wife, his child…).
As I noted above, there was an element of linguistic experimentation throughout the story: as a non-native, I often insert words simply to gauge the response they arise. It’s more or less the only way for me to sound out if their use is correct or not in a given context, and that of course leads to a jarring experience to most of you. Most of the linguistic discordance derives from this and I apologise: the dialogue was clunky or off. I’m pleased that most of the dialogues passed muster, though, to use Cassius turn of phrase. “Crikey” was used by Present Perfect more than once (even Oro used it in one of the reviews of this round), I found the word funny and reused it, ignoring it had Australian overtones (my dictionary tags it as “British informal”).
What about ice-creams vendors being “on cloud nine”?
On “brat” and uncaring: I admit that “brat” was a bit tiny overboard, but the use of the term (or its French equivalent) is common, at least over here. I use it quite a lot myself to qualify my own daughter, because she can really be a brat every now and then: spoiled, flighty even fractious. Able to mess up your evening just because you denied her installing an app on her phone, or the latest issue of the $10 magazine she practically reads two pages thereof before throwing it away. And it’s not an isolated case, as most of her friends seem to be made out of the same mould.
Use “the hell” before a 8-year old child? Asking your child to go and play and bit on their own in their room? Come on, Horizon! :P That’s something you do every day, especially when you freak out, like it’s been one hour you’ve asked your child to wash her hair, and she still hasn’t set foot in the bathroom.
But yeah, the major beef was about the plot. All of you got it right, I had no precise and definitive idea about the plot. The cupboard is meant:
1. To randomly doom some objects that enter inside;
2. Duplicate them once the original is broken/dead.
Except that at the end, we’re not sure whether the kid in the cupboard is or isn’t the copy (that’s why I had to send mother and child not so far away, to cast a shadow whether the tyke inside wasn’t the true child having returned in a fit of sleepwalking.
My first idea was to have the cupboard resist fire, and the house to burn out with the guy, replicating what had happened to the last proprietor. Somehow that seemed to me contrived, and I scraped it, but the new ending just came across as weak. In any case, Cassius you were right I had no really firm decision on the plot direction, and that trickled into the writing.
Thanks again to all!
Impending Doom
That story was named ‘The cupboard’ at first, but I found it rather a silly title so decided to change it just before the deadline.
Turns out this was a good leaning exercise, but definitely not a story worth enduring. Will be unpublished as soon as rules permit. Thanks to all reviewers for reading it, and for your awesome reviews.
This is loosely inspired by stories like Shining or Poltergeist or Pet Cemetery as Cassius pointed out (don’t forget I grew up during the ‘80s). It was more conceived as a horror movie than a true story, and this explains the weak hook at the beginning: IMHO, horror movies often begin with a first scene simply showing how lackadaisical the life of the protagonists is (think about Shining for example), before the factor that will wreak havoc arrives. Cassius said the first sentence was ‘cinematic’ and that’s spot on, but I also need to be able to pull out such sentences: describing a vehicle stopping and backing into a driveway is not that easy to me. Nevertheless, I thought about cutting it and starting at scene 3, but finally reckoned it would be more info-dumpy with a lot of elements to stuff in a very short space (the cupboard, the prior fire, the guy, his wife, his child…).
As I noted above, there was an element of linguistic experimentation throughout the story: as a non-native, I often insert words simply to gauge the response they arise. It’s more or less the only way for me to sound out if their use is correct or not in a given context, and that of course leads to a jarring experience to most of you. Most of the linguistic discordance derives from this and I apologise: the dialogue was clunky or off. I’m pleased that most of the dialogues passed muster, though, to use Cassius turn of phrase. “Crikey” was used by Present Perfect more than once (even Oro used it in one of the reviews of this round), I found the word funny and reused it, ignoring it had Australian overtones (my dictionary tags it as “British informal”).
What about ice-creams vendors being “on cloud nine”?
On “brat” and uncaring: I admit that “brat” was a bit tiny overboard, but the use of the term (or its French equivalent) is common, at least over here. I use it quite a lot myself to qualify my own daughter, because she can really be a brat every now and then: spoiled, flighty even fractious. Able to mess up your evening just because you denied her installing an app on her phone, or the latest issue of the $10 magazine she practically reads two pages thereof before throwing it away. And it’s not an isolated case, as most of her friends seem to be made out of the same mould.
Use “the hell” before a 8-year old child? Asking your child to go and play and bit on their own in their room? Come on, Horizon! :P That’s something you do every day, especially when you freak out, like it’s been one hour you’ve asked your child to wash her hair, and she still hasn’t set foot in the bathroom.
But yeah, the major beef was about the plot. All of you got it right, I had no precise and definitive idea about the plot. The cupboard is meant:
1. To randomly doom some objects that enter inside;
2. Duplicate them once the original is broken/dead.
Except that at the end, we’re not sure whether the kid in the cupboard is or isn’t the copy (that’s why I had to send mother and child not so far away, to cast a shadow whether the tyke inside wasn’t the true child having returned in a fit of sleepwalking.
My first idea was to have the cupboard resist fire, and the house to burn out with the guy, replicating what had happened to the last proprietor. Somehow that seemed to me contrived, and I scraped it, but the new ending just came across as weak. In any case, Cassius you were right I had no really firm decision on the plot direction, and that trickled into the writing.
Thanks again to all!
This wasn't on my prelim slate. I'm sad.
As someone who's worked with drones extensively, I love stories about them. I also love fiction in the guise of academic papers. This is pretty close to pushing all my buttons.
This gives me an idea for another story.
The year is 2032, and the U.S. military has just released its first long-endurance, autonomous drone over the mountains of Afghanistan, where the Taliban insurgency has just entered its fourth decade.
"PixieKittens99," the general says (the drone was allowed to choose its own name, to the military's chagrin). "Your area of operation is Wardak and Logar province. You have the store of Mk-7 Hellfire micro-missiles you are currently equipped with, and you will be resupplied via aerial drone as necessary. Do what it takes to end the insurgency in your AO."
The drone ponders this while it flies.
"General," the drone says as it reaches its loiter position. "I see that I also have access to an account with nearly $1 million U.S. dollars. What is this for?"
"It's so you can pay any civilians you accidentally kill. They don't like that."
A week passes while PixieKittens99 buzzes overhead. Occasionally it sends an email back to the headquarters, updating them on the targets it developed, or the phone conversations it listened to. It likes to watch the Afghans play volleyball, and sometimes sends back video clips of particularly good plays.
It adopted a stray kitten and phones the Afghans living nearby, asking them in fluent Pashto to go feed it or play with it. He buys it a toy mouse from Amazon, and has it delivered via a drone. PixieKittens99 strikes up a conversation with the delivery drone, and they become friends, spending many hours playing World of Warcraft III with each other.
Finally, after a month, the generals call up PixieKittens99. According to government reports, violence in Wardak and Logar has fallen by nearly 90 percent. How did she (PixieKittens99 recently began identifying as female) do it? How many insurgents had she killed? Did she need more missiles?
No, she replies. She used the $1 million in compensation funds to start a job training and adult literacy program. So far she's broken ground on three schools, a clinic and laid nearly seven miles of new road.
PixieKittens99 never received a combat medal, because she was never in combat – she never fired a missile. But she did receive an end of tour commendation from the headquarters, and when she returned to the United States to train new drones, she had her kitten shipped back to New Mexico, where she plays with it in the evenings.
As someone who's worked with drones extensively, I love stories about them. I also love fiction in the guise of academic papers. This is pretty close to pushing all my buttons.
By pairing goal-driven technical systems directly with political will, this ensured that the (steadily improving) algorithms would do “what we actually wanted” instead of “what we technically asked,” a common complaint at the time.
This gives me an idea for another story.
The year is 2032, and the U.S. military has just released its first long-endurance, autonomous drone over the mountains of Afghanistan, where the Taliban insurgency has just entered its fourth decade.
"PixieKittens99," the general says (the drone was allowed to choose its own name, to the military's chagrin). "Your area of operation is Wardak and Logar province. You have the store of Mk-7 Hellfire micro-missiles you are currently equipped with, and you will be resupplied via aerial drone as necessary. Do what it takes to end the insurgency in your AO."
The drone ponders this while it flies.
"General," the drone says as it reaches its loiter position. "I see that I also have access to an account with nearly $1 million U.S. dollars. What is this for?"
"It's so you can pay any civilians you accidentally kill. They don't like that."
A week passes while PixieKittens99 buzzes overhead. Occasionally it sends an email back to the headquarters, updating them on the targets it developed, or the phone conversations it listened to. It likes to watch the Afghans play volleyball, and sometimes sends back video clips of particularly good plays.
It adopted a stray kitten and phones the Afghans living nearby, asking them in fluent Pashto to go feed it or play with it. He buys it a toy mouse from Amazon, and has it delivered via a drone. PixieKittens99 strikes up a conversation with the delivery drone, and they become friends, spending many hours playing World of Warcraft III with each other.
Finally, after a month, the generals call up PixieKittens99. According to government reports, violence in Wardak and Logar has fallen by nearly 90 percent. How did she (PixieKittens99 recently began identifying as female) do it? How many insurgents had she killed? Did she need more missiles?
No, she replies. She used the $1 million in compensation funds to start a job training and adult literacy program. So far she's broken ground on three schools, a clinic and laid nearly seven miles of new road.
PixieKittens99 never received a combat medal, because she was never in combat – she never fired a missile. But she did receive an end of tour commendation from the headquarters, and when she returned to the United States to train new drones, she had her kitten shipped back to New Mexico, where she plays with it in the evenings.
Tequila Sunrise - A Retrospective
Genre: Sci-fi/social commentary
Thoughts: I once had an idea for a HiE where the human causes humorous chaos in Equestria by introducing Our Little Ponies to hard liquor (specifically Tequila). I stumbled upon that idea during a hail-Mary trawl through my backup idea list (because my initial story for this Writeoff crashed and burned). It’s a terrible idea, but I thought I could do something interesting with it by inverting the structure: Start the pony with the liquor, make the human have problems with that, and keep the tone serious.
Unfortunately, the setting was easier to come up with than a proper explanation for why their mysterious captors would want to conduct such an experiment in the first place. I ran with a loose concept (inspired by what feels to me like sky-is-falling rhetoric on both sides of the #brexit issue) that the captors were studying fear. The story hinged on Jane trying to decide if she feared the possibility of actual death more than the possibility of losing the progress she’s made in her lifelong struggle with personal demons. This also gave me a chance to explore the fear/antipathy inspired by the “other”-ness of the other characters, and whether that was justified.
None of that came off as clearly as I was hoping. I can see that the ending in particular was a letdown. That came as a consequence of me staying up late the night before the Writeoff deadline, desperately trying to bring the story to a controlled halt. I see that I failed to pay off the opening hook, and I strayed pretty badly into authorial self-insert preachiness.
Alas. I appreciate >>Oroboro, >>Not_A_Hat, >>billymorph, and >>Baal Bunny's comments about this, and I feel like it wasn’t a total loss. As with most of my Writeoff stories, I hope to use this as a starting point for something more complete later on.
I will also call it a moral victory that I successfully inserted a pony into an Original round without drawing people’s ire. :-)
Tier: Needs Work
Genre: Sci-fi/social commentary
Thoughts: I once had an idea for a HiE where the human causes humorous chaos in Equestria by introducing Our Little Ponies to hard liquor (specifically Tequila). I stumbled upon that idea during a hail-Mary trawl through my backup idea list (because my initial story for this Writeoff crashed and burned). It’s a terrible idea, but I thought I could do something interesting with it by inverting the structure: Start the pony with the liquor, make the human have problems with that, and keep the tone serious.
Unfortunately, the setting was easier to come up with than a proper explanation for why their mysterious captors would want to conduct such an experiment in the first place. I ran with a loose concept (inspired by what feels to me like sky-is-falling rhetoric on both sides of the #brexit issue) that the captors were studying fear. The story hinged on Jane trying to decide if she feared the possibility of actual death more than the possibility of losing the progress she’s made in her lifelong struggle with personal demons. This also gave me a chance to explore the fear/antipathy inspired by the “other”-ness of the other characters, and whether that was justified.
None of that came off as clearly as I was hoping. I can see that the ending in particular was a letdown. That came as a consequence of me staying up late the night before the Writeoff deadline, desperately trying to bring the story to a controlled halt. I see that I failed to pay off the opening hook, and I strayed pretty badly into authorial self-insert preachiness.
Alas. I appreciate >>Oroboro, >>Not_A_Hat, >>billymorph, and >>Baal Bunny's comments about this, and I feel like it wasn’t a total loss. As with most of my Writeoff stories, I hope to use this as a starting point for something more complete later on.
I will also call it a moral victory that I successfully inserted a pony into an Original round without drawing people’s ire. :-)
Tier: Needs Work
Let me start with thanking all the people who commented. Feedback is always appreciated.
The main problem seemed to be a lack of characterization. This was, at least in part, intentional to reflect the short and brutal lives of the workers. It should have been one of the cardinal points of their society, but I clearly missed to connect it to the rest and explain it. At the end it seems this backfired. Lesson learnt (until the next time, the more alien the society the more relatable your anchor needs to be.
Regarding the experiment of indirect narration, I think it could be considered a success.
>>Not_A_Hat
They are not exactly the same Morlocks, but I thought the name with correlated baggage would help to give some context to the story.
The main problem seemed to be a lack of characterization. This was, at least in part, intentional to reflect the short and brutal lives of the workers. It should have been one of the cardinal points of their society, but I clearly missed to connect it to the rest and explain it. At the end it seems this backfired. Lesson learnt (until the next time, the more alien the society the more relatable your anchor needs to be.
Regarding the experiment of indirect narration, I think it could be considered a success.
>>Not_A_Hat
They are not exactly the same Morlocks, but I thought the name with correlated baggage would help to give some context to the story.
Where Nothing Can Go Wrong - Yep, this one is mine. I really didn’t put as much effort into this entry as I should have, because this is actually my *third* attempt, and most of my energy got blown away in cybernetic warfare and nuclear weapon exchanges. The first attempt may get a public “Take a look at this” but the second got buried for good reason.
Corrections and suggestions made by reviewers (Hi Horizon!) will be implemented before I put the story into the Written Off collection, because you always pound out the dents and sand down any rough spots before putting a used car up for sale.
References:
ALZ-112 is the chemical given to the first chimp in the new Planet of the Apes movie
The android in the original Westworld played by Yul Brynner is a Model 406, while most of them were Model 404.
Charles and Tracy are the names of the two primary characters in Futureworld, a Westworld sequel which also had Yul Brynner as the last film role of his career.
(also catch the THX-1138 reference buried in the codes)
There’s a low-quality copy of Westworld on YouTube if you want to take a trip back along memory lane (old people) or look at the way movies used to be made in your grandparents’ age (for young punks). It’s worth the look, just to see how Sci-Fi movies have changed in 30+ years.
Corrections and suggestions made by reviewers (Hi Horizon!) will be implemented before I put the story into the Written Off collection, because you always pound out the dents and sand down any rough spots before putting a used car up for sale.
References:
ALZ-112 is the chemical given to the first chimp in the new Planet of the Apes movie
The android in the original Westworld played by Yul Brynner is a Model 406, while most of them were Model 404.
Charles and Tracy are the names of the two primary characters in Futureworld, a Westworld sequel which also had Yul Brynner as the last film role of his career.
(also catch the THX-1138 reference buried in the codes)
There’s a low-quality copy of Westworld on YouTube if you want to take a trip back along memory lane (old people) or look at the way movies used to be made in your grandparents’ age (for young punks). It’s worth the look, just to see how Sci-Fi movies have changed in 30+ years.
Ship retrospective.
Congrats to the finalists, and thank you for your feedback, Baal Bunny, Scramblers and Shadows, horizon, Not_A_Hat, CoffeeMinion, and georg.
The root flaw for at least some of the issues was that it took me half the writing period just to come up with an idea, and then I ran low on energy when it came to actually writing the piece. This was a contributing factor to the lack of description.
There were other issues too, though, the predominant one being that the bit with the spear (energy rifle) dragged. I got caught up in trying to describe a technical thing from a non-technical perspective, and failed to make it actually interesting. I have some ideas on fixing this. Certainly I'll try to cut the wordcount back, but I'll also try to make it meaningful; give the protagonist some agency in the path he takes, and yes, showing his reactions to the things he's seeing is a good suggestion, horizon.
I'd prefer not to cut it entirely - the whole reason for the amputation is that the weapon has a biometric lock - his finger will always be pulling the trigger. This isn't as clear as it could be, but I think that's a fairly easy fix. In regards to the issue of amputation, I've considered having one of the aliens tradegoods be a substance to (usually) regrow the lost limbs, though not in such a way that they could still be used for biometrics. Either that or specifying & upping the importance of the tradegood they receive in exchange.
No one complained about connection to the prompt, so I guess the titular Ship being 'the Killing Machine' could be intuited. I'm glad that the voice seems to have generally worked; I've been experimenting with first person / present lately.
Congrats to the finalists, and thank you for your feedback, Baal Bunny, Scramblers and Shadows, horizon, Not_A_Hat, CoffeeMinion, and georg.
The root flaw for at least some of the issues was that it took me half the writing period just to come up with an idea, and then I ran low on energy when it came to actually writing the piece. This was a contributing factor to the lack of description.
There were other issues too, though, the predominant one being that the bit with the spear (energy rifle) dragged. I got caught up in trying to describe a technical thing from a non-technical perspective, and failed to make it actually interesting. I have some ideas on fixing this. Certainly I'll try to cut the wordcount back, but I'll also try to make it meaningful; give the protagonist some agency in the path he takes, and yes, showing his reactions to the things he's seeing is a good suggestion, horizon.
I'd prefer not to cut it entirely - the whole reason for the amputation is that the weapon has a biometric lock - his finger will always be pulling the trigger. This isn't as clear as it could be, but I think that's a fairly easy fix. In regards to the issue of amputation, I've considered having one of the aliens tradegoods be a substance to (usually) regrow the lost limbs, though not in such a way that they could still be used for biometrics. Either that or specifying & upping the importance of the tradegood they receive in exchange.
No one complained about connection to the prompt, so I guess the titular Ship being 'the Killing Machine' could be intuited. I'm glad that the voice seems to have generally worked; I've been experimenting with first person / present lately.
This story and Ship both had a similar problem for me. They both had a narrator attempting to describe something very normal – a gun in Suburbanism; a keyboard and monitor in Ship – and in both cases it was frustrating.
From this story:
My first reaction when reading this was, "Socket wrench with hidden chamber for adapter bits?" It fits that same description just as well as a gun would.
This is one area where storytelling, as a medium, is less capable than something like a movie. In a movie you can show a character picking up a gun, puzzling over it, having no idea what it's for. That's a lot harder to do when you're using a narrator who simply doesn't know the word 'gun.'
It's obtrusive, and while Suburbanism was at the top of my slate in the prelims, it's going to have a bit of a hill to climb in the finals I think.
From this story:
I poked around for my souvenir, eventually settling on something cylindrical and angular. It clicked and spun mechanically as I worked it, fitting snugly into my palm. I examined it for a good few minutes, eventually realizing it hinged apart, revealing a set of cavities, filled with dull insets.
My first reaction when reading this was, "Socket wrench with hidden chamber for adapter bits?" It fits that same description just as well as a gun would.
This is one area where storytelling, as a medium, is less capable than something like a movie. In a movie you can show a character picking up a gun, puzzling over it, having no idea what it's for. That's a lot harder to do when you're using a narrator who simply doesn't know the word 'gun.'
It's obtrusive, and while Suburbanism was at the top of my slate in the prelims, it's going to have a bit of a hill to climb in the finals I think.
Alright, time for me to get back to reviews. (I went last night to a friend's MURRICA party, so I'm skipping fireworks tonight in favor of trying to catch up on things before Bronycon.)
Add me to the chorus of readers whose suspension of disbelief snapped at the reveal here. Before that, the writing was generally solid -- though it really seems like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too with technology (there's exposition about not having a power grid any more, but there are beeping fingerprint sensors and electromagnets built into the bike rack; and then you explicitly identify computer technology as having surpassed pre-war levels -- the SSD is smaller than the main character's drive -- yet they haven't rebuilt anything even slightly resembling an Internet). The character work and the slowly deepening mystery put this in the top half of my prelim slate, but everything else in the finals passed it by. I honestly can't think of any way to improve the fundamental premise without a major scrap and rewrite, so I'm just going to praise you on your prose and call this...
Tier: Misaimed
Add me to the chorus of readers whose suspension of disbelief snapped at the reveal here. Before that, the writing was generally solid -- though it really seems like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too with technology (there's exposition about not having a power grid any more, but there are beeping fingerprint sensors and electromagnets built into the bike rack; and then you explicitly identify computer technology as having surpassed pre-war levels -- the SSD is smaller than the main character's drive -- yet they haven't rebuilt anything even slightly resembling an Internet). The character work and the slowly deepening mystery put this in the top half of my prelim slate, but everything else in the finals passed it by. I honestly can't think of any way to improve the fundamental premise without a major scrap and rewrite, so I'm just going to praise you on your prose and call this...
Tier: Misaimed
This was another entry with generally solid storytelling and a premise that stretched my suspension of disbelief hard; others have covered that above, but really, a corrupt system that is government-funded and solicits public kill requests -- and therefore has a well-known methodology -- just can't survive a system that is as simple to break as the victim reading their letter out loud in an effort to negotiate with their vigilante killer. The plot also felt a little paint-by-numbers to me, but at least it nudged past Difference Engine on the grounds of wrapping to a satisfying ending rather than breaking my suspension of disbelief right at the end.
I think it might be possible to tighten this up without taking a wrecking ball to your premise: have Nate in on the con from the beginning, like Jim was. Maybe the government funding wasn't enough -- when is it ever? -- and they started bumping requests with "donations" to the top of the queue. Nate was willing to look the other way because at the end of the day they were still killing bad guys. But this is a straight-up mob hit, it wouldn't even slightly qualify for government funding, it's being done completely off the books and Nate got assigned to it explicitly because Barry suspects Nate is growing a conscience. That also explains Sam's presence. If you do this, it might also benefit you to introduce Jim earlier so you can talk out the morality angle and foreshadow your ending a little bit.
I think this needs a fair amount of editing to hit its plausibility stride, but at the same time, you've definitely got some interesting things going on with this. If you keep working on it, it'll be interesting to see where it ends up.
Tier: Almost There
I think it might be possible to tighten this up without taking a wrecking ball to your premise: have Nate in on the con from the beginning, like Jim was. Maybe the government funding wasn't enough -- when is it ever? -- and they started bumping requests with "donations" to the top of the queue. Nate was willing to look the other way because at the end of the day they were still killing bad guys. But this is a straight-up mob hit, it wouldn't even slightly qualify for government funding, it's being done completely off the books and Nate got assigned to it explicitly because Barry suspects Nate is growing a conscience. That also explains Sam's presence. If you do this, it might also benefit you to introduce Jim earlier so you can talk out the morality angle and foreshadow your ending a little bit.
I think this needs a fair amount of editing to hit its plausibility stride, but at the same time, you've definitely got some interesting things going on with this. If you keep working on it, it'll be interesting to see where it ends up.
Tier: Almost There
All of the stories in finals had some interesting ideas and were generally well put together. I'm sort of ranking my finals slate by the magnitude of the problems the stories did have, and this is ending up near the bottom due to a (somewhat less severe) case of the same plausibility issues from the stories I just reviewed.
Oddly enough, it's not the hitchhiking-white-supermodel-chick part that broke me. Truth is stranger than fiction here: check out Cheryl Strayed's Wild, or see the movie based on it, for a story of a somewhat similar woman who just fucked off from her life to go find herself out on theroad trail. Doli randomly picking her up and taking her in also didn't trigger my weirdness dial, because in my own life I have literally been taken in that same way: a single woman named Shari played trail angel for me when I was hitchhiking to town near the start of my Pacific Crest Trail hike in 2006, and drove me home to give me a shower and a home-cooked meal, and that was even with me being a tall and grungy male (which really changes the power dynamic).
No, what first really made me blink here was Brittany's out-of-nowhere gaydar and Doli's unforeshadowed lesbianism. And while I get that on both sides this was a relationship about need (or simple lust) rather than love, I just wasn't feeling any chemistry here, and since the whole plot from there on was contingent on selling the romance, the rest of the story fell kinda flat.
I'd recommend tinkering with the early story to foreshadow the romantic angle more (or at least put us more inside Doli's head to lay a more solid foundation for the lesbian thing). The rest of this holds together pretty well, but that part was so central it's dragging this down for me.
Tier: Almost There
Oddly enough, it's not the hitchhiking-white-supermodel-chick part that broke me. Truth is stranger than fiction here: check out Cheryl Strayed's Wild, or see the movie based on it, for a story of a somewhat similar woman who just fucked off from her life to go find herself out on the
No, what first really made me blink here was Brittany's out-of-nowhere gaydar and Doli's unforeshadowed lesbianism. And while I get that on both sides this was a relationship about need (or simple lust) rather than love, I just wasn't feeling any chemistry here, and since the whole plot from there on was contingent on selling the romance, the rest of the story fell kinda flat.
I'd recommend tinkering with the early story to foreshadow the romantic angle more (or at least put us more inside Doli's head to lay a more solid foundation for the lesbian thing). The rest of this holds together pretty well, but that part was so central it's dragging this down for me.
Tier: Almost There
I'm working my way up my finals slate from the bottom. This is approximately the part where I stop penalizing stories for major plausibility flaws, because I read them all the way through without getting significantly broken out by anything, and start evaluating them in terms of whether or not they pass my top-of-prelim-slate watermark (which was the good-and-inventive-but-short-by-a-scene Companions).
This doesn't, but it makes a strong effort. There's some equally interesting worldbuilding here -- several stories this round went for a postapocalyptic people-living-in-the-ruins-of-a-formerly-high-tech-society motif, and I think this was the most successful of them; the idea of automated deliveries (and cleaning, maintenance, etc) to long-abandoned homes hits a sweet spot. And while I agree with >>Cold in Gardez that this shares descriptive problems with Ship (and in fact had exactly the same reaction to thesocket wrench gun), that was the only place where the descriptive faults really leapt out at me; I felt like I could picture the rest in my head well enough.
Interestingly, this suffers the same falls-apart-at-the-end problem that Companions did, and that some of the stories I'm about to review did -- I'm getting the sense that a lot of authors just ran out of time at the end this round. The robot cop is very abrupt -- it suddenly changes the rules of the world on us, with human-level AI in charge after seeing nothing but dumb machines (and why didn't it respond to the delivery hijacking or the drones getting netted down?) -- and the main characters are sort of deus ex machina'ed into the library without a lot of time to process this major change/victory or its implications.
Still, the vast majority of this was a good read, and a leisurely rewrite of everything past the cop's arrival could make this sing.
Tier: Strong
This doesn't, but it makes a strong effort. There's some equally interesting worldbuilding here -- several stories this round went for a postapocalyptic people-living-in-the-ruins-of-a-formerly-high-tech-society motif, and I think this was the most successful of them; the idea of automated deliveries (and cleaning, maintenance, etc) to long-abandoned homes hits a sweet spot. And while I agree with >>Cold in Gardez that this shares descriptive problems with Ship (and in fact had exactly the same reaction to the
Interestingly, this suffers the same falls-apart-at-the-end problem that Companions did, and that some of the stories I'm about to review did -- I'm getting the sense that a lot of authors just ran out of time at the end this round. The robot cop is very abrupt -- it suddenly changes the rules of the world on us, with human-level AI in charge after seeing nothing but dumb machines (and why didn't it respond to the delivery hijacking or the drones getting netted down?) -- and the main characters are sort of deus ex machina'ed into the library without a lot of time to process this major change/victory or its implications.
Still, the vast majority of this was a good read, and a leisurely rewrite of everything past the cop's arrival could make this sing.
Tier: Strong
This is another one that falls just short of my Companions watermark, and once again the biggest problem is the way in which it slams into an unsatisfying ending; others have covered the issues with the sudden introduction and muted passing of Jada (consider introducing her earlier in the story? Perhaps even much earlier, maybe when he's doing his internet research, even if they don't get together then), and the weirdly sudden and blatant use of the paper for his suicide. Though "biggest" is perhaps overselling it. I had a lot of small reservations here that added up, and while the ending was the most noticeable issue, it didn't bug me much more.
>>Not_A_Hat cites Skywriter's "Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions", which actually is a super apt comparison here, because this appears to be fanfiction of / written in the same universe as it; TA&DBL was written for an anthology called The Machine Of Death, from which you are presumably drawing your title. Each of those stories centered around a machine which told people the manner in which they were going to die, so the premise here isn't original, though in fairness it doesn't look like this is making any effort to disguise its roots, and the ideas of the premise here aren't the main things I enjoyed anyway. Those would be the methodical deconstruction of the various little elements that went into Tyrone's paranoia; I kept trying to think of other loopholes but couldn't find any you missed.
The other major thing to address here is the pacing -- which kinda ties into the ending gripes mentioned above, since the ending fees quite hurried, but the difference between the first section (getting the slip) and the middle section (dealing with it) is itself rather stark. While the beginning does serve up a lot of exposition introducing the whole MOD angle, it feels rather too long for its weight.
Still, what edged this out over Suburbanism for me was that the ending, while way too abrupt, actually did sorta work thematically, in a way that I really wanted to like (and just needed more space). As the story says, the arsenic isn't THIS, and he could easily have just swallowed some; there was a deliberate choice to involve the note and to fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy, which makes some interesting statements about his changing relationship with the machine over the course of the story. (Though I can't help but feel that this could have ended with a lot more dark humor if, with a final cry of defiance, Tyrone drank the poison straight -- and then collapsed and expired, the bottle of arsenic rolling out of his hands to come to rest on the "THIS" slip.)
Tier: Strong
>>Not_A_Hat cites Skywriter's "Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions", which actually is a super apt comparison here, because this appears to be fanfiction of / written in the same universe as it; TA&DBL was written for an anthology called The Machine Of Death, from which you are presumably drawing your title. Each of those stories centered around a machine which told people the manner in which they were going to die, so the premise here isn't original, though in fairness it doesn't look like this is making any effort to disguise its roots, and the ideas of the premise here aren't the main things I enjoyed anyway. Those would be the methodical deconstruction of the various little elements that went into Tyrone's paranoia; I kept trying to think of other loopholes but couldn't find any you missed.
The other major thing to address here is the pacing -- which kinda ties into the ending gripes mentioned above, since the ending fees quite hurried, but the difference between the first section (getting the slip) and the middle section (dealing with it) is itself rather stark. While the beginning does serve up a lot of exposition introducing the whole MOD angle, it feels rather too long for its weight.
Still, what edged this out over Suburbanism for me was that the ending, while way too abrupt, actually did sorta work thematically, in a way that I really wanted to like (and just needed more space). As the story says, the arsenic isn't THIS, and he could easily have just swallowed some; there was a deliberate choice to involve the note and to fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy, which makes some interesting statements about his changing relationship with the machine over the course of the story. (Though I can't help but feel that this could have ended with a lot more dark humor if, with a final cry of defiance, Tyrone drank the poison straight -- and then collapsed and expired, the bottle of arsenic rolling out of his hands to come to rest on the "THIS" slip.)
Tier: Strong
I really don't have much to say about this one, other than kudos for a story well written, and for having passed my Companions watermark. No major complaints from beginning to end. At least not above a nitpick level -- it was a little weird for me to start the story with a description of dolmas, for example, but that's because I come from Greek ancestry and know exactly what they are, and I'm sure the rest of your readers appreciated the description.
Nice touch to give us a deal-with-the-devil story that gave us something besides the Judeo-Christian devil. Angra Mainyu is the Zoroastrian spirit of evil, more or less. Interestingly enough, Papak also appears to be a historical figure from the same mythology! (Search this page for his name.) And speaking of Angra, here's a fun piece of trivia, according to Wikipedia:
What kept this from scoring higher is not that anything's missing here, but that everything which passed it felt like it had bigger or more exciting ideas. This one's got a really memorable central premise, but the worldbuilding's pretty tightly focused, and aside from little hints (like the restaurant food or the towers) this feels a little grey against the vivid settings of my top three.
Tier:Demon Peacock Top Contender
Nice touch to give us a deal-with-the-devil story that gave us something besides the Judeo-Christian devil. Angra Mainyu is the Zoroastrian spirit of evil, more or less. Interestingly enough, Papak also appears to be a historical figure from the same mythology! (Search this page for his name.) And speaking of Angra, here's a fun piece of trivia, according to Wikipedia:
Angra Mainyu chose to be evil: "It is not that I cannot create anything good, but that I will not." And to prove this, he created the peacock.
What kept this from scoring higher is not that anything's missing here, but that everything which passed it felt like it had bigger or more exciting ideas. This one's got a really memorable central premise, but the worldbuilding's pretty tightly focused, and aside from little hints (like the restaurant food or the towers) this feels a little grey against the vivid settings of my top three.
Tier:
>>georg
I am now desperately curious as to whether you mean playing this idea straight (Celestia has some sort of demonic immortality pact requiring painful sacrifice e.g. having her sister betray her), or whether you mean subverting it in a pony direction (Celestia's immortality comes from, say, the Tree of Harmony, and every 1200 moons she has to give it a "sacrifice" of having brought ponykind closer to the principles of harmony). Either way, you have my attention.
I may even try to make a Celestia themed story based on this concept.
I am now desperately curious as to whether you mean playing this idea straight (Celestia has some sort of demonic immortality pact requiring painful sacrifice e.g. having her sister betray her), or whether you mean subverting it in a pony direction (Celestia's immortality comes from, say, the Tree of Harmony, and every 1200 moons she has to give it a "sacrifice" of having brought ponykind closer to the principles of harmony). Either way, you have my attention.
Roger bellowed as he leveled his shotgun at the horizon. A boom echoed through the Outback ...
Oh my god, you killed me! :raritydespair:
Anyway: on to my top three!
... Yes, I put a meta story in one of my medal slots. FIGHT ME
But really, this deserves it. What makes it beautiful isn't that it's making Writeoff jokes, but that it's taking the Writeoff context and subverting it into proper science fiction that not only meets the prompt but in a poignant and funny way. I can't imagine this having real legs outside of this contest context, but it's a laudable entry within it.
And -- let's not mince words -- the humor here lands. There's a mix of character destruction and great setup/timing that is hilarious without being personal. It's clearly a love letter to the Writeoffs (so much insider knowledge, even the little details like time zones), but it's got enough originality and sheer craziness that it doesn't feel like pandering. This is far and away the best meta story I've read in a while.
Tier: Top Contender
... Yes, I put a meta story in one of my medal slots. FIGHT ME
But really, this deserves it. What makes it beautiful isn't that it's making Writeoff jokes, but that it's taking the Writeoff context and subverting it into proper science fiction that not only meets the prompt but in a poignant and funny way. I can't imagine this having real legs outside of this contest context, but it's a laudable entry within it.
And -- let's not mince words -- the humor here lands. There's a mix of character destruction and great setup/timing that is hilarious without being personal. It's clearly a love letter to the Writeoffs (so much insider knowledge, even the little details like time zones), but it's got enough originality and sheer craziness that it doesn't feel like pandering. This is far and away the best meta story I've read in a while.
Tier: Top Contender
This definitely starts with a bang. Author, you sure know how to set a hook.
And while the rest of it never quite reaches the apex of that first casual murder (which is like saying that the rest of a roller-coaster ride never quite reaches the g-force of that first drop), it held me start to finish, and it both sets up some big ideas in the premise and tackles some big themes in the resolution.
The only thing keeping this from my top spot was that, for all that this kind of looped around on itself with the Memitim thing (nitty nitpick: I wonder if that should be a palindrome), that made it sort of ... disappointingly clean, and simultaneously weakened the way the story as a whole felt like it hung together. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's like ... that final twist implied that the narrator was basically setting up a time loop with the three of them, scrubbing their memories each time they had a falling out, which wraps everything back around on itself in a way that destroys the whole alpha-and-omega symbolism and unmoors the story. We no longer know how long this has been going on, which gives us a very different tragedy than the one the story so effectively sets up, and we have no context for the scope of that tragedy (other than perhaps the missing number of years), and suddenly the narrator's the actual villain because they're apparently the only one with agency in the cycle, destroying two other lives for their benefit. That's powerful, but unsatisfying. Maybe more Memitim foreshadowing would help? Maybe not.
Tier: Top Contender
And while the rest of it never quite reaches the apex of that first casual murder (which is like saying that the rest of a roller-coaster ride never quite reaches the g-force of that first drop), it held me start to finish, and it both sets up some big ideas in the premise and tackles some big themes in the resolution.
The only thing keeping this from my top spot was that, for all that this kind of looped around on itself with the Memitim thing (nitty nitpick: I wonder if that should be a palindrome), that made it sort of ... disappointingly clean, and simultaneously weakened the way the story as a whole felt like it hung together. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's like ... that final twist implied that the narrator was basically setting up a time loop with the three of them, scrubbing their memories each time they had a falling out, which wraps everything back around on itself in a way that destroys the whole alpha-and-omega symbolism and unmoors the story. We no longer know how long this has been going on, which gives us a very different tragedy than the one the story so effectively sets up, and we have no context for the scope of that tragedy (other than perhaps the missing number of years), and suddenly the narrator's the actual villain because they're apparently the only one with agency in the cycle, destroying two other lives for their benefit. That's powerful, but unsatisfying. Maybe more Memitim foreshadowing would help? Maybe not.
Tier: Top Contender
And my top slot goes to the story that turned "The Killing Machine" into a fairy tale, with no mechanisms of any kind anywhere. (I think I see it, though: the Fiddlers, as secret police, were the "machine".)
There's a remarkable amount of premise and theme overlap here with the Fable series of graphic novels -- though I should note that this goes enough in its own directions that there's no question about originality. And I enjoyed what this did with the premise for the same reason that I enjoyed Fable: the fairy-tale remix effect. There was clearly a lot of thought put into how the various nursery rhymes used as sources all interlinked, and the core plot conflict (and its slow reversal) was well-handled.
The ending clearly is opening the story up for more in a way that might lead to critiques of this being unfinished, but for me, this felt like a complete story -- just perhaps the first story in a bigger series. We get plot and character arcs that cleanly close, and a big decision and its big consequences. I'm rooting for the characters, and their moral decisions feel satisfying; in an odd sort of way that makes this feel more pony than many pony stories I read. I want more of this, in a good way.
Tier: Top Contender
There's a remarkable amount of premise and theme overlap here with the Fable series of graphic novels -- though I should note that this goes enough in its own directions that there's no question about originality. And I enjoyed what this did with the premise for the same reason that I enjoyed Fable: the fairy-tale remix effect. There was clearly a lot of thought put into how the various nursery rhymes used as sources all interlinked, and the core plot conflict (and its slow reversal) was well-handled.
The ending clearly is opening the story up for more in a way that might lead to critiques of this being unfinished, but for me, this felt like a complete story -- just perhaps the first story in a bigger series. We get plot and character arcs that cleanly close, and a big decision and its big consequences. I'm rooting for the characters, and their moral decisions feel satisfying; in an odd sort of way that makes this feel more pony than many pony stories I read. I want more of this, in a good way.
Tier: Top Contender
Doggone it, this one is tricky to rate and review. I'm gonna point at >>Cassius and >>Orbiting_kettle, who have already written much of what I could think to.
Adding a few brief thoughts: the writing here was excellent, barring some of the very brief asides peppered-in along the way, which I generally found more confusing than not. I also wanted to get more description of the main character's friends, as they came off a bit as indistinct talking heads. Unfortunately, I found the ending to be confusing and a bit of a dud, notwithstanding >>georg's suggestion that there's a "Rosebud"I should be looking for. I'll add that to my general desire to see elements of this world expanded more, such as what happened with the lawyers and the creepy company, which kind of seem to vanish.
But I get the sense that part of this is me missing things, rather than a serious fault in the work itself. I'm willing to let this into my top tier despite wishing for a clearer resolution, because at least the resolution is somewhere in the ball park of being thematically consistent.
Tier: Top Contender
Adding a few brief thoughts: the writing here was excellent, barring some of the very brief asides peppered-in along the way, which I generally found more confusing than not. I also wanted to get more description of the main character's friends, as they came off a bit as indistinct talking heads. Unfortunately, I found the ending to be confusing and a bit of a dud, notwithstanding >>georg's suggestion that there's a "Rosebud"I should be looking for. I'll add that to my general desire to see elements of this world expanded more, such as what happened with the lawyers and the creepy company, which kind of seem to vanish.
But I get the sense that part of this is me missing things, rather than a serious fault in the work itself. I'm willing to let this into my top tier despite wishing for a clearer resolution, because at least the resolution is somewhere in the ball park of being thematically consistent.
Tier: Top Contender
>>horizon
Lol, you posted your review while I was reading this and working on mine. I think your comparison to Companions is apt; I found this to be another brilliantly written story that kind of comes unraveled toward the end. This ended up coming in just above Companions for me though, and largely because the ending came closer to paying off the journey that the protagonist went through.
I also think your suggested ending would be perfect. Dear author, please consider. :-p
Lol, you posted your review while I was reading this and working on mine. I think your comparison to Companions is apt; I found this to be another brilliantly written story that kind of comes unraveled toward the end. This ended up coming in just above Companions for me though, and largely because the ending came closer to paying off the journey that the protagonist went through.
I also think your suggested ending would be perfect. Dear author, please consider. :-p
Anyway, now that I'm done reviewing, we've got a tradition of story mashups and/or story remixes to uphold around here! I didn't finish reading all of the stories before prelims ended, but better late than never, right?
WRITEOFF-BY-ONES: DEMON PEACOCK EDITION
The rules here are simple: Add, remove, or change a single letter in a Writeoff entry's title and humorously summarize the resulting story. (Punctuation and spacing can be changed at will.)
Ego Sum Deux - A translation error in a pusher's ledger accidentally leads to him doubling the dose of all his customers' hallucinogens. Transcendence ensues.
The Differencee Nine - When the world tries to rewrite history to collectively forget its massacre of Muslims, a group of kids in an improbably named town go rogue to spread the truth.
Fiddlers Tree - Old King Cole's assassination squad has just killed a little boy who lives in a house by a juniper tree. Now it's time for a phoenix to take revenge.
Moolock - A society of subterranean cows develops sentience and struggles to maintain their farm after the Butchers Above mysteriously vanish.
Where Nothing Cans Go Wrong... go wrong... - "Charles," Tracy says, "the only problem with our Vacuum-In-A-Tin marketing campaign is that we don't have our possibly-homicidal robots selling them."
Tequila Sunrisk - Jane's pony neighbor Agave wants to help her escape her prison, but Jane's really not sure about his plan to go outside their bottle-cells and use his alcohol as sunscreen.
Snub Urbanism - A group of primitives living outside a silent city launches occasional raids on the drones and supply bots that trundle back and forth between houses. The city dwellers sigh, shake their heads, and write snarky editorials about the "primitive movement" and their Luddite ways.
Operation: La Luna: Humanity decides to assassinate Moon Horse.
Even Cascade - In a cautionary tale about bad maths, a succession of rounding errors causes a plane crash.
Snip - A group of humans live in a postapocalyptic society on an old crashed starcraft, and when each of the males comes of age, they venture inside for guns to trade to the local war band. Then the war band cuts off their ... ahem. Let's just say that the humans die off in a generation.
Company Ions - After Friendly AIs invent jaunting technology and start colonizing the galaxy, an Unfriendly shorts the market on their jump drive manufacturer, bankrupts them, and buys them out. Thrill to economic warfare as the Friendlies struggle to free the market from their monopoly!
The Machine Of Litoral Death, Possibly, Maybe - Tyrone gets a prediction slip saying he will die from "TIED". Turns out the machine's just a shitty speller, and he drowns in the ocean when an unusually high wave pulls him in.
Audio - In exchange for his next 1200 moons of immortality, Papak invents Nickelback.
Impending Dorm - When Kate grows up and moves out to college, her parents insist on sending with her that creepy cabinet that survived her aunt's house fire.
Brats - A vigilante named Nate kills his latest target - a college-age girl named Kate, whose slip just says "Refused to play in her room by herself, and also survived being stuffed in a cabinet and set on fire. Really, she's starting to annoy me."
Bastly - A German freighter trying to sneak through a storm is, for no discernible reason, sunk by the ancient Egyptian goddess of cats.
Aerial - After losing years of memories while resurrecting after a skydiving accident, the narrator convinces two friends to join him in repeatedly jumping out of airplanes without parachutes, to give death a big middle finger.
Blue Binds - Doli picks a lesbian hitchhiker named Brittany up and takes her home, where they discover a mutual kink involving colored-fur handcuffs.
The View Through the Widow - When Tom tries to commit suicide by throwing himself from the second story of his home, the Ghost of Car Accidents Future walks him through a bizarre dream showing him how his wife's life would fall apart without him.
His Topical Retrospective - John Connor sends a T-9000 back to the day of Skynet's rise to sentience, with a plan to give a university lecture on the dangers of AI. It is, predictably, interrupted by killer robot drones from the future.
The Unsung Ballad of Rodger Wilco - Somewhere, deep in the Australian Outback, Roger's eye twitches.
My Friend, Amy Obsession - Child MMA stars have the weirdest names.
WRITEOFF-BY-ONES: DEMON PEACOCK EDITION
The rules here are simple: Add, remove, or change a single letter in a Writeoff entry's title and humorously summarize the resulting story. (Punctuation and spacing can be changed at will.)
Ego Sum Deux - A translation error in a pusher's ledger accidentally leads to him doubling the dose of all his customers' hallucinogens. Transcendence ensues.
The Differencee Nine - When the world tries to rewrite history to collectively forget its massacre of Muslims, a group of kids in an improbably named town go rogue to spread the truth.
Fiddlers Tree - Old King Cole's assassination squad has just killed a little boy who lives in a house by a juniper tree. Now it's time for a phoenix to take revenge.
Moolock - A society of subterranean cows develops sentience and struggles to maintain their farm after the Butchers Above mysteriously vanish.
Where Nothing Cans Go Wrong... go wrong... - "Charles," Tracy says, "the only problem with our Vacuum-In-A-Tin marketing campaign is that we don't have our possibly-homicidal robots selling them."
Tequila Sunrisk - Jane's pony neighbor Agave wants to help her escape her prison, but Jane's really not sure about his plan to go outside their bottle-cells and use his alcohol as sunscreen.
Snub Urbanism - A group of primitives living outside a silent city launches occasional raids on the drones and supply bots that trundle back and forth between houses. The city dwellers sigh, shake their heads, and write snarky editorials about the "primitive movement" and their Luddite ways.
Operation: La Luna: Humanity decides to assassinate Moon Horse.
Even Cascade - In a cautionary tale about bad maths, a succession of rounding errors causes a plane crash.
Snip - A group of humans live in a postapocalyptic society on an old crashed starcraft, and when each of the males comes of age, they venture inside for guns to trade to the local war band. Then the war band cuts off their ... ahem. Let's just say that the humans die off in a generation.
Company Ions - After Friendly AIs invent jaunting technology and start colonizing the galaxy, an Unfriendly shorts the market on their jump drive manufacturer, bankrupts them, and buys them out. Thrill to economic warfare as the Friendlies struggle to free the market from their monopoly!
The Machine Of Litoral Death, Possibly, Maybe - Tyrone gets a prediction slip saying he will die from "TIED". Turns out the machine's just a shitty speller, and he drowns in the ocean when an unusually high wave pulls him in.
Audio - In exchange for his next 1200 moons of immortality, Papak invents Nickelback.
Impending Dorm - When Kate grows up and moves out to college, her parents insist on sending with her that creepy cabinet that survived her aunt's house fire.
Brats - A vigilante named Nate kills his latest target - a college-age girl named Kate, whose slip just says "Refused to play in her room by herself, and also survived being stuffed in a cabinet and set on fire. Really, she's starting to annoy me."
Bastly - A German freighter trying to sneak through a storm is, for no discernible reason, sunk by the ancient Egyptian goddess of cats.
Aerial - After losing years of memories while resurrecting after a skydiving accident, the narrator convinces two friends to join him in repeatedly jumping out of airplanes without parachutes, to give death a big middle finger.
Blue Binds - Doli picks a lesbian hitchhiker named Brittany up and takes her home, where they discover a mutual kink involving colored-fur handcuffs.
The View Through the Widow - When Tom tries to commit suicide by throwing himself from the second story of his home, the Ghost of Car Accidents Future walks him through a bizarre dream showing him how his wife's life would fall apart without him.
His Topical Retrospective - John Connor sends a T-9000 back to the day of Skynet's rise to sentience, with a plan to give a university lecture on the dangers of AI. It is, predictably, interrupted by killer robot drones from the future.
The Unsung Ballad of Rodger Wilco - Somewhere, deep in the Australian Outback, Roger's eye twitches.
My Friend, Amy Obsession - Child MMA stars have the weirdest names.
>>horizon
That would actually have been an awesome story. I think I'll have to try to do the mashup before my next submission.
Moolock - A society of subterranean cows develops sentience and struggles to maintain their farm after the Butchers Above mysteriously vanish.
That would actually have been an awesome story. I think I'll have to try to do the mashup before my next submission.
The Unsung Bollard of Roger Wilco - The hero of the Space Quest games gets a bollard named in his honour. No one seems to notice nor care, despite his best efforts.
Cerial - The dyslexic suicide society gets off to a bad start when someone brings in a bowl of cornflakes.
Bats - Fluttershy unveils her newest way of draining blood from innocent ponies, by asking nicely.
Wait, original fiction round? Dang, okay...
BRuts - Somedays you just find yourself murdering people because its a habit, you know?
Compianions - Yeah, I'm not sure why anyone thought making sadistic AIs was a good idea either. Fortunately we managed to flog them all to some Western themed park.
Egg Sum Deus? - The secret to immortality is found in a dim sum recipe. Who would have guessed?
Morluck - The luckiest bastard in Alpha Complex has the best day of his life, much to the misfortune of everyone around them. (I can't have been on the only one to pick up the Paranoia vibe from this one :P)
Imploding Doom - Tompson's cupboard mysteriously implodes one day. He learns a valuable lesson about never inheriting anything.
Breastly - ... I got nothing.
The View Though the Window - A man spends the story trying to see out a window. At the end his wife opens the curtains.
My Fiend, My Obsession - On reflection betting your soul on an underground street wrestling league match was a terrible idea.
Cerial - The dyslexic suicide society gets off to a bad start when someone brings in a bowl of cornflakes.
Bats - Fluttershy unveils her newest way of draining blood from innocent ponies, by asking nicely.
Wait, original fiction round? Dang, okay...
Compianions - Yeah, I'm not sure why anyone thought making sadistic AIs was a good idea either. Fortunately we managed to flog them all to some Western themed park.
Egg Sum Deus? - The secret to immortality is found in a dim sum recipe. Who would have guessed?
Morluck - The luckiest bastard in Alpha Complex has the best day of his life, much to the misfortune of everyone around them. (I can't have been on the only one to pick up the Paranoia vibe from this one :P)
Imploding Doom - Tompson's cupboard mysteriously implodes one day. He learns a valuable lesson about never inheriting anything.
Breastly - ... I got nothing.
The View Though the Window - A man spends the story trying to see out a window. At the end his wife opens the curtains.
My Fiend, My Obsession - On reflection betting your soul on an underground street wrestling league match was a terrible idea.
Fiddlers Three
The introduction here is pretty good, but I can feel a noticeable drag from the numbers of extraneous details, often crowded into adjectives and adverbs. Regardless, we progress quickly, and the conceit makes itself clear: A nursery rhyme subversion. Well, okay.
“I'll keep this brief,” says Cole, then proceeds to dump some exposition on us about how he's set up the recording spell. Which brings me to another realisation at this point: Almost all the dialogue so far has been exposition. Okay, so it's somewhat natural; it's not As-you-know-ing. And yet it stands out because there's so damn much of it, and so little else.
Charming had been on the throne for six years? Hm. I see a reversal lurking in the distance.
And then all of a sudden, Itsy starts feeling guilty? Well, okay.
… And finally we hit the ending I was, more or less, expecting.
Okay, so, for final thoughts, I'm going to skip over the nursery-rhymes-crammed-into-le-Carre aesthetic. I found it sickeningly precious, but I guess that's just a matter of taste.
No, my real problem here is that nine tenths of this story is talking-about-action instead of action. (Not action in terms of fights, just action terms of important stuff happening.) That made it a slog to read. It was rather like watching a clip show for a show I haven't seen, but with all the clips edited out.
Really, why not show us these events rather than have the characters discuss them? Wouldn't that be so much better?
On the plus side, the story that's hiding behind all the chat is a pretty good one, even if the twist if predictable. It just needs to actually happen rather than be recounted. That would require a complete rewrite to fix, but you already have your outline place.
And, of course, with this in place, we'd be able to spend a little more time with the characters being characters, which would fix the other big problem: Lack of character empathy stifles the importance of this ending.
The introduction here is pretty good, but I can feel a noticeable drag from the numbers of extraneous details, often crowded into adjectives and adverbs. Regardless, we progress quickly, and the conceit makes itself clear: A nursery rhyme subversion. Well, okay.
“I'll keep this brief,” says Cole, then proceeds to dump some exposition on us about how he's set up the recording spell. Which brings me to another realisation at this point: Almost all the dialogue so far has been exposition. Okay, so it's somewhat natural; it's not As-you-know-ing. And yet it stands out because there's so damn much of it, and so little else.
Charming had been on the throne for six years? Hm. I see a reversal lurking in the distance.
And then all of a sudden, Itsy starts feeling guilty? Well, okay.
… And finally we hit the ending I was, more or less, expecting.
Okay, so, for final thoughts, I'm going to skip over the nursery-rhymes-crammed-into-le-Carre aesthetic. I found it sickeningly precious, but I guess that's just a matter of taste.
No, my real problem here is that nine tenths of this story is talking-about-action instead of action. (Not action in terms of fights, just action terms of important stuff happening.) That made it a slog to read. It was rather like watching a clip show for a show I haven't seen, but with all the clips edited out.
Really, why not show us these events rather than have the characters discuss them? Wouldn't that be so much better?
On the plus side, the story that's hiding behind all the chat is a pretty good one, even if the twist if predictable. It just needs to actually happen rather than be recounted. That would require a complete rewrite to fix, but you already have your outline place.
And, of course, with this in place, we'd be able to spend a little more time with the characters being characters, which would fix the other big problem: Lack of character empathy stifles the importance of this ending.
Companions
A strong introduction – in three paragraphs we get the genre flavour, a hint of character, a hint of setting, and an introduction to events. The prose is generally strong, if occasionally overwrought.
The chunk of exposition is pretty well done. Another reminder that exposition isn't bed, so long as you keep it interesting. It could've turned out to be a dry history-of-A.I., but the voice its rendered in makes it fun to read.
I'm uncertain about Ticktock.HerVer dialogue is sometimes fun, a bit like a cross between Pinkie Pie and Shrek's Donkey, but it does jar a little with the serious tone of the rest of the piece.
And ve used Russell's teapot to save the day? I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Okay, having finished it, I think that while the ideas themselves are good, the execution is iffy. Especially the structure. It strikes me as undisciplined in a way: “Here's a cool thing. Here's another cool thing! Here's another cool thing!” And so the proliferation is coolness overflows the structure, until at the end, it all just peters out and crawls over the finish line.
I can't really suggest better than the commenters above have done in terms of fixing the ending – but I think tightening up some of the earlier structure might help in this regard.
A strong introduction – in three paragraphs we get the genre flavour, a hint of character, a hint of setting, and an introduction to events. The prose is generally strong, if occasionally overwrought.
The chunk of exposition is pretty well done. Another reminder that exposition isn't bed, so long as you keep it interesting. It could've turned out to be a dry history-of-A.I., but the voice its rendered in makes it fun to read.
I'm uncertain about Ticktock.
And ve used Russell's teapot to save the day? I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Okay, having finished it, I think that while the ideas themselves are good, the execution is iffy. Especially the structure. It strikes me as undisciplined in a way: “Here's a cool thing. Here's another cool thing! Here's another cool thing!” And so the proliferation is coolness overflows the structure, until at the end, it all just peters out and crawls over the finish line.
I can't really suggest better than the commenters above have done in terms of fixing the ending – but I think tightening up some of the earlier structure might help in this regard.
Bluebirds
So let's talk about slice of life. Central to the notion is that you can do away with fancy worlds, explosions, mystery, tension, sometimes even drama, and still get a good story out of it. Why? People. Because people, in all their complexity, can make a fascinating tale by themseves.
It follows from this that a slice of life story is supported by its characters. To be any good, it needs to portray them with insight and complexity.
Does Bluebirds do this?
I don't think it does. Doli and Brittany are cardboard cutouts. Consider: What commonality brings them together? Being disaffected lesbian/bisexual millennials. That's it. What else about them can we say? Well, they have different backgrounds that don't affect their characters at all. That's about it.
Even the text itself seems to acknowledge this:
Because the deepest possible basis of attraction is educational background and race. Okay, sure.
And I can't go any further. This story embodies some of the things I dislike most in literature. It is sentimental, shallow, and openly manipulative. I can say no more about it.
So let's talk about slice of life. Central to the notion is that you can do away with fancy worlds, explosions, mystery, tension, sometimes even drama, and still get a good story out of it. Why? People. Because people, in all their complexity, can make a fascinating tale by themseves.
It follows from this that a slice of life story is supported by its characters. To be any good, it needs to portray them with insight and complexity.
Does Bluebirds do this?
I don't think it does. Doli and Brittany are cardboard cutouts. Consider: What commonality brings them together? Being disaffected lesbian/bisexual millennials. That's it. What else about them can we say? Well, they have different backgrounds that don't affect their characters at all. That's about it.
Even the text itself seems to acknowledge this:
“Ever been with a girl before?”
“One. Had a brief thing maybe six years ago. She was half white though, and ended up going to college.”
Brittany nodded, and flashed her perfect teeth. “Guess I’m your type then, huh?”
“You have no idea,” Doli growled, then dove into another kiss.
Because the deepest possible basis of attraction is educational background and race. Okay, sure.
And I can't go any further. This story embodies some of the things I dislike most in literature. It is sentimental, shallow, and openly manipulative. I can say no more about it.
Serial
I've at the end of the first conversation, and already the prose is bugging me. Okay, I get this is a talkie thing – at least to begin with – and we don't need a whole bunch of exposition. But there's almost nothing here. The repetition of simple, solitary actions become grating very quickly – characters smirk, wave their hands, grimace, etc.
The dialogue is far better. It deftly communicates a sense of character without becoming overbearing.
Suddenly, murder. Was wondering if something like that was going to happen. What follows it is rather more interesting, and effectively lays some seeds of mystery before cutting out at the right moment.
The following section is even better. Let it serve as a reminder that exposition can be a fantastic aid if done well. And this line, given the context: And he was vicious in rhetorically eviscerating those who possessed remarkable privilege and yet sought to claim the mantle of martyr for themselves. Haha!
We don't really need the lecture about crucifixion – not unless you want to make a stylistic point about the narrator's attitude to death by having him describe other methods. Also, “every nerve screamed in agony” strikes me as a clumsy construction.
Having reached the end and thought about it a bit, I think your general arc's good, but there's stuff missing. As I understand it, the nihilistic death-experience relationship with Jonas eventually sours, leading to the narrator's decision to reset everything again at the end. (Perhaps this should be clarified bit). That's a wonderfully nasty idea, but it only works as emotional progression if we see the relationship at its most successful, acting as a sort of attraction for the narrator. From the flashback onwards, it starts gloomy and ends gloomy, which mutes the blow of the ending.
I'm also left wondering what role Susan plays here. Apart from participating in some odd conversations and being all academic, she does very little but get pulled along in the wake of Jonas and the narrator. Remove her and your structure stays very much the same. So give her a part, or do that.
I've at the end of the first conversation, and already the prose is bugging me. Okay, I get this is a talkie thing – at least to begin with – and we don't need a whole bunch of exposition. But there's almost nothing here. The repetition of simple, solitary actions become grating very quickly – characters smirk, wave their hands, grimace, etc.
The dialogue is far better. It deftly communicates a sense of character without becoming overbearing.
Suddenly, murder. Was wondering if something like that was going to happen. What follows it is rather more interesting, and effectively lays some seeds of mystery before cutting out at the right moment.
The following section is even better. Let it serve as a reminder that exposition can be a fantastic aid if done well. And this line, given the context: And he was vicious in rhetorically eviscerating those who possessed remarkable privilege and yet sought to claim the mantle of martyr for themselves. Haha!
We don't really need the lecture about crucifixion – not unless you want to make a stylistic point about the narrator's attitude to death by having him describe other methods. Also, “every nerve screamed in agony” strikes me as a clumsy construction.
Having reached the end and thought about it a bit, I think your general arc's good, but there's stuff missing. As I understand it, the nihilistic death-experience relationship with Jonas eventually sours, leading to the narrator's decision to reset everything again at the end. (Perhaps this should be clarified bit). That's a wonderfully nasty idea, but it only works as emotional progression if we see the relationship at its most successful, acting as a sort of attraction for the narrator. From the flashback onwards, it starts gloomy and ends gloomy, which mutes the blow of the ending.
I'm also left wondering what role Susan plays here. Apart from participating in some odd conversations and being all academic, she does very little but get pulled along in the wake of Jonas and the narrator. Remove her and your structure stays very much the same. So give her a part, or do that.
For my part:
I love that his nearest neighbor is an apparently sapient spider named Tobias.
But that raises so many questions that the story then doesn't even begin to address. If he does indeed have a sapient spider named Tobias as a neighbor, it makes me wonder just how parallel a world we're in here. Does Roger live in the parallel world, and his connection through the computer is an interdimensional one toour world? Or is it possible that some of the Writeoff participants are also sapient animals? After all, "on the internet, no one knows you're a dog"...
Deal with that issue, author, and I'll be a happier reader than I am. Even though I wasn't included among the participants... :(
Mike
I love that his nearest neighbor is an apparently sapient spider named Tobias.
But that raises so many questions that the story then doesn't even begin to address. If he does indeed have a sapient spider named Tobias as a neighbor, it makes me wonder just how parallel a world we're in here. Does Roger live in the parallel world, and his connection through the computer is an interdimensional one toour world? Or is it possible that some of the Writeoff participants are also sapient animals? After all, "on the internet, no one knows you're a dog"...
Deal with that issue, author, and I'll be a happier reader than I am. Even though I wasn't included among the participants... :(
Mike
I'll join the chorus:
As well. The line Marion Zimmer Bradley always used in the rejection slips she sent me when I was submitting stories to her fantasy magazine decades ago was: "Suspension of disbelief doesn't mean hanging it by its neck until it's dead."
I'll also add that I couldn't figure out the narrator's attitude toward the events he's telling us about. At the very beginning, he expresses regret over how things turned out, but at the end, there doesn't seem to be any regret at all. Has he changed his mind while writing the story and decided that he was right all along? That would be an interesting thing to do, but I don't see any sign that that's the case.
Mike
As well. The line Marion Zimmer Bradley always used in the rejection slips she sent me when I was submitting stories to her fantasy magazine decades ago was: "Suspension of disbelief doesn't mean hanging it by its neck until it's dead."
I'll also add that I couldn't figure out the narrator's attitude toward the events he's telling us about. At the very beginning, he expresses regret over how things turned out, but at the end, there doesn't seem to be any regret at all. Has he changed his mind while writing the story and decided that he was right all along? That would be an interesting thing to do, but I don't see any sign that that's the case.
Mike
Audit
That's a very strong start: It rolls directly into the middle of an interesting situation, while weaving in just enough information about setting. Ah, they know each other. A minor point, but skilfully revealed.
A couple of minor nitpicks:
He popped the dolma in his mouth and began to chew. It's a little confusing to start a sentence with “He” when your scene has two male characters, and both have equal prominence in the previous paragraph. I worked it out, of course, but this isn't the sort thing I should have to work out.
At a first look it seemed almost unchanged in its long years of vigilance, yet he could see all the little traces of time and the efforts made to mask them. This would work so much better with the addition of some concrete details.
It seems fairly obvious by this point that they're immortals of some kind. Again, this information is provided delicately but effectively.
The tablet is a computer tablet? Perhaps that was easy to work out, but I wish you'd mentioned so at the start. I was thrown off for a while.
Having reached the end of it though, I find I have little in the way of further comments. It's a good scene, very skilfully executed, and a nice mix of ancient rites with modernity.
And yet, something about it isn't entirely satisfying. I took a while to think about this, and overnight the ideas coalesced: First, the final twist of oh, a corporation is a person falls a little flat. Second, I'm not enthused about this plundering of Zoroastrian mythology to add a bit of glamour to two otherwise archetypal characters. And third … well, archetypal in my view is just a fancy way of saying shallow. There's very little humanity in this story. Not even hidden behind alienated prose as in Morlock. And that, for me, counts as a problem problem.
Still, I find this goes to the top of my slate for technical execution. A frustrating choice, but I can do no better.
That's a very strong start: It rolls directly into the middle of an interesting situation, while weaving in just enough information about setting. Ah, they know each other. A minor point, but skilfully revealed.
A couple of minor nitpicks:
He popped the dolma in his mouth and began to chew. It's a little confusing to start a sentence with “He” when your scene has two male characters, and both have equal prominence in the previous paragraph. I worked it out, of course, but this isn't the sort thing I should have to work out.
At a first look it seemed almost unchanged in its long years of vigilance, yet he could see all the little traces of time and the efforts made to mask them. This would work so much better with the addition of some concrete details.
It seems fairly obvious by this point that they're immortals of some kind. Again, this information is provided delicately but effectively.
The tablet is a computer tablet? Perhaps that was easy to work out, but I wish you'd mentioned so at the start. I was thrown off for a while.
Having reached the end of it though, I find I have little in the way of further comments. It's a good scene, very skilfully executed, and a nice mix of ancient rites with modernity.
And yet, something about it isn't entirely satisfying. I took a while to think about this, and overnight the ideas coalesced: First, the final twist of oh, a corporation is a person falls a little flat. Second, I'm not enthused about this plundering of Zoroastrian mythology to add a bit of glamour to two otherwise archetypal characters. And third … well, archetypal in my view is just a fancy way of saying shallow. There's very little humanity in this story. Not even hidden behind alienated prose as in Morlock. And that, for me, counts as a problem problem.
Still, I find this goes to the top of my slate for technical execution. A frustrating choice, but I can do no better.
Rats
I felt like this was trying a little too hard on the first paragraph – especially considering the first scene is entirely unnecessary to the plot.
Otherwise, I can only echo the other commenters: The structure works pretty well, though it's standard fare for a thriller, but the plot falls down in believability. Least of all, why would the state do such a strange thing? And why would it give an organisation in charge of execution so little oversight that a conspiracy like this could emerge?
It's also not very easy to care for Nate. How honourable can he really be, playing at this game that prevents him from knowing what any of his victims have done to deserve such a punishment?
I felt like this was trying a little too hard on the first paragraph – especially considering the first scene is entirely unnecessary to the plot.
Otherwise, I can only echo the other commenters: The structure works pretty well, though it's standard fare for a thriller, but the plot falls down in believability. Least of all, why would the state do such a strange thing? And why would it give an organisation in charge of execution so little oversight that a conspiracy like this could emerge?
It's also not very easy to care for Nate. How honourable can he really be, playing at this game that prevents him from knowing what any of his victims have done to deserve such a punishment?
I'm running low on ready-reviewy time, so I'm crawling across the finish line with brief thoughts here.
TBH, I feel like a schmuck panning this when both >>georg and >>horizon gave it high marks, but I think >>Scramblers and Shadows summarized my thoughts best:
I mean, the writing is good--no question--but I found myself wishing it was over, and waiting for the action and/or tension to start ratcheting-up, and it just didn't. Even the ending just kinda happened.
Author, I'm sorry to dump on you; ordinarily I would try to highlight more of the story's positive elements, even if it didn't work for me. But in this case, you've got both >>georg and >>horizon on your side, so I figure you're in good shape. :-P
Almost There Needs Work (sorry author; demoted following reflection on my earlier star-struck-ness).
TBH, I feel like a schmuck panning this when both >>georg and >>horizon gave it high marks, but I think >>Scramblers and Shadows summarized my thoughts best:
No, my real problem here is that nine tenths of this story is talking-about-action instead of action. (Not action in terms of fights, just action terms of important stuff happening.) That made it a slog to read. It was rather like watching a clip show for a show I haven't seen, but with all the clips edited out.
I mean, the writing is good--no question--but I found myself wishing it was over, and waiting for the action and/or tension to start ratcheting-up, and it just didn't. Even the ending just kinda happened.
Author, I'm sorry to dump on you; ordinarily I would try to highlight more of the story's positive elements, even if it didn't work for me. But in this case, you've got both >>georg and >>horizon on your side, so I figure you're in good shape. :-P
>>CoffeeMinion
If anything, maybe this round can remind us just how fickle the professional market for fiction is. Pretend for a second that, instead of authors reviewing each other's work, we were all editors reading through slush piles to pick stories for a magazine or anthology. Which of these entries (not just finalists -- entries!) might get picked up for sale? A surprising number of them, if they land on the right desk!
Even in rounds where there has been remarkable consensus on story ranking, there are a number of readers who rate the gold medalist at mid-slate or below, and individual readers' favorites can come from anywhere in the list. (And it's generally far from clear-cut! Almost all rankings' comparisons with their neighbors are within the margin of error.) A submission to a single story market is basically like rolling the die on a random Writeoff reader and asking if they'll like it (and if it's what they're looking for at that time); the better you score in general, the quicker you'll find a hit, but there's no way to write a story good enough to guarantee a successful submission. And contrarily, just because a few high-profile people like it doesn't guarantee it's good; a flaw that affected your reading legitimately is dragging the story down for you and readers like you.
"But horizon," you may cry, "It's all well and good to pretend that we've all got equal credentials for assessing story quality, but you're like some master reviewer dude with good opinions and stuff." Well, as it happens, we do have a Writeoff alumnus that is demonstrably professionally saleable, because it was professionally sold -- and it is literally impossible to have been more wrong about that than I was! While it sailed to a medal, I scored it at the very bottom of my finals slate.
So anytime you're tempted to apologize for disagreeing with me, or thinking that your opinion is any less professional than mine, remember that my track record as a professional oracle is currently 0%. Yes, I do occasionally say some smart things in story feedback -- but we all look for different things in stories, and when you disagree with me it just means you're seeing things in my blind spots.
If anything, maybe this round can remind us just how fickle the professional market for fiction is. Pretend for a second that, instead of authors reviewing each other's work, we were all editors reading through slush piles to pick stories for a magazine or anthology. Which of these entries (not just finalists -- entries!) might get picked up for sale? A surprising number of them, if they land on the right desk!
Even in rounds where there has been remarkable consensus on story ranking, there are a number of readers who rate the gold medalist at mid-slate or below, and individual readers' favorites can come from anywhere in the list. (And it's generally far from clear-cut! Almost all rankings' comparisons with their neighbors are within the margin of error.) A submission to a single story market is basically like rolling the die on a random Writeoff reader and asking if they'll like it (and if it's what they're looking for at that time); the better you score in general, the quicker you'll find a hit, but there's no way to write a story good enough to guarantee a successful submission. And contrarily, just because a few high-profile people like it doesn't guarantee it's good; a flaw that affected your reading legitimately is dragging the story down for you and readers like you.
"But horizon," you may cry, "It's all well and good to pretend that we've all got equal credentials for assessing story quality, but you're like some master reviewer dude with good opinions and stuff." Well, as it happens, we do have a Writeoff alumnus that is demonstrably professionally saleable, because it was professionally sold -- and it is literally impossible to have been more wrong about that than I was! While it sailed to a medal, I scored it at the very bottom of my finals slate.
So anytime you're tempted to apologize for disagreeing with me, or thinking that your opinion is any less professional than mine, remember that my track record as a professional oracle is currently 0%. Yes, I do occasionally say some smart things in story feedback -- but we all look for different things in stories, and when you disagree with me it just means you're seeing things in my blind spots.
Well dang, it looks like I'm going to have to go rogue here, because it seems like people generally didn't like this one, while I loved it. More than that, I think it's the best-executed and most complete story I've read in this Writeoff, and I'm putting it at the top of my slate.
And here I didn't want to spend a bunch of time writing a review. D:
The writing, characterization, and plot structure here are all top notch. We get a nasty little mystery that, sure, strains some suspension of disbelief; but really, isn't the lead-up to the war that the grandfather describes exactly the sort of thing that a non-trivial number of people fear could occur? And isn't the subsequent "salt the earth and scour the adversary from history" reprisal exactly the sort of overwrought and excessively blunt response that others might fear? Maybe it's just that I was less successful at addressing the fear of "otherness" in my own Writeoff story, but I give this one huge props for rooting it's scenario in believable fears, regardless of how believable the scenario itself turned out to be.
But honestly, the whole story here feels to me like the stuff of classic sci-fi filtered through a lens of modern fear. I love the sheer awkward geeky teenage-boy-ness of the protagonist, and the fact that his pursuit of truth gets him a lot more than he bargained for. I think Scout was a great counterbalance to his wide-eyed enthusiasm, though I do fear she was shorted a bit on deeper characterization beyond that which was necessary to compliment our hero, which is a shame. I even thought the grandfather was excellent; he's a man who's done terrible things, and kept terrible secrets, but hopes they will ultimately lead to a better future. If we as readers find that unsettling, I think that's part of the point; we shouldn't think that what he's done is good. But neither should we feel so unsettled as to forget that that might be a plausible response from an otherwise not-terrible person who's seen too much, or who's been pushed too hard. The will of good men cannot count on the terrible strain of war, as it were.
I dunno. At some point this changed from me praising the work into me seeking to defend it before its critics while battling my phone's autocorrect. I should probably stop here, as I'm less likely to persuade those turned-off by the concept than I am to become enraged at my phone.
Tier: Top of my Top Contender list; and A Winner Is You!
And here I didn't want to spend a bunch of time writing a review. D:
The writing, characterization, and plot structure here are all top notch. We get a nasty little mystery that, sure, strains some suspension of disbelief; but really, isn't the lead-up to the war that the grandfather describes exactly the sort of thing that a non-trivial number of people fear could occur? And isn't the subsequent "salt the earth and scour the adversary from history" reprisal exactly the sort of overwrought and excessively blunt response that others might fear? Maybe it's just that I was less successful at addressing the fear of "otherness" in my own Writeoff story, but I give this one huge props for rooting it's scenario in believable fears, regardless of how believable the scenario itself turned out to be.
But honestly, the whole story here feels to me like the stuff of classic sci-fi filtered through a lens of modern fear. I love the sheer awkward geeky teenage-boy-ness of the protagonist, and the fact that his pursuit of truth gets him a lot more than he bargained for. I think Scout was a great counterbalance to his wide-eyed enthusiasm, though I do fear she was shorted a bit on deeper characterization beyond that which was necessary to compliment our hero, which is a shame. I even thought the grandfather was excellent; he's a man who's done terrible things, and kept terrible secrets, but hopes they will ultimately lead to a better future. If we as readers find that unsettling, I think that's part of the point; we shouldn't think that what he's done is good. But neither should we feel so unsettled as to forget that that might be a plausible response from an otherwise not-terrible person who's seen too much, or who's been pushed too hard. The will of good men cannot count on the terrible strain of war, as it were.
I dunno. At some point this changed from me praising the work into me seeking to defend it before its critics while battling my phone's autocorrect. I should probably stop here, as I'm less likely to persuade those turned-off by the concept than I am to become enraged at my phone.
Tier: Top of my Top Contender list; and A Winner Is You!
>>horizon
Duly noted, and you are too kind. :-)
...except I feel like I should disagree with you on principle now, given what you just wrote. :-p
I'm so confused!
Duly noted, and you are too kind. :-)
...except I feel like I should disagree with you on principle now, given what you just wrote. :-p
I'm so confused!
>>horizon
More of a Free Will vs Fate type of thing, sacrifices made to protect her little ponies up to and including her sister's decision to face off against Nightmare in a fight which she lost. Fate is fickle, capricious, and other hard to spell words, while Celestia wants only to see her ponies grow and learn without bottling them up and keeping the ability to make decisions away from them because they could decide incorrectly. Fate is a bitch who comes to your child's crib and declares she will prick her thumb with a spindle and fall into an eternal sleep. Somebody really needs to buck that twit in the face, and Celestia has the hooves for it. :) Another reason why I like the Writeoff site: it gives me ideas.
More of a Free Will vs Fate type of thing, sacrifices made to protect her little ponies up to and including her sister's decision to face off against Nightmare in a fight which she lost. Fate is fickle, capricious, and other hard to spell words, while Celestia wants only to see her ponies grow and learn without bottling them up and keeping the ability to make decisions away from them because they could decide incorrectly. Fate is a bitch who comes to your child's crib and declares she will prick her thumb with a spindle and fall into an eternal sleep. Somebody really needs to buck that twit in the face, and Celestia has the hooves for it. :) Another reason why I like the Writeoff site: it gives me ideas.
“Okay!” A shuffling of limbs could be heard as a case unzipped. With a clatter of a device coming onto the top of a wooden desk.
“Labtop? Check.” the voice replied back to itself. Listing out items that served a certain purpose.
“Mouse? Checkarooni.” a light giggled followed this time as the voice seemed to be flaring out in glee. Happy to have been doing whatever it was he was clearly setting up for.
“Review draft? Oh yeah, got that!” the change of the tone of voice showed some type of depression as he sighed out with a simple fling of his leg right over his head. Brushing his long flowing blue mane as he sat down.
With a mix of dread, fear, and happiness, Remedy was back on scene.
“Alright. Been a loonnnggg time. Finally back now.” A swift flick of his hoof and the top of the labtop flung open with it’s light flaring out at Remedy’s face. Beeping back to life as hooftips tapped along the keyboard.
“And. To…-” His words trailed out slowing in motion as he tapped more keys logging into his secured computer clicking on several links and getting to the one page that made his face light up with a smile.
“Begin!” A final tap and Remedy found himself staring at a blank replica of a white sheet. An empty document that he would write his next story. His next piece of work. His aspirations his thoughts and fantasies, to be stroked into words and coding that would be presented to the community he had loathed and loved for so long.
Yet even as happy as he was. There in the moment of his choosing. With the single chance to continue. He had froze up. His hooves finding no reason to tap anymore keys. Soon he could feel every spark fade away. Along with his smile which now mirrored how his stomach felt. Something he had loved to do so often just now seemed to fall apart so easily for him.
Whatever reason Remy had stopped for, it was clear that it was strong enough to tear apart at his mind. Rejection, judgement, acceptance, and certain things that just seemed to appalled him, were all tied into this devastating ache in his belly.
Through sheer mental capacity, Remedy had swallowed hard and accepted it. Doing what he loved to do and letting those matters be handled later in the future.
His right hoof tapped one key, with his left slowly tapping in pursuit. Soon he found his limbs back in business typing on his old out-dated thing. A steady rhythm of keys being hit filled the air. His mind releasing thoughts left and right. His smile perked up once more and for now he was lost in the love for the art of writing.
“Block Hurdle”
-Remedial Fortuitous Heart
POSITIVES
Details-The traits in this story is rather emphasized on the conditions that surround our two characters in their story. You take simple qualities and features and make them known without having to overdo each one. Some are more obvious and others are painted for the reader. This draws you into the story and shows a good natural feel to the characters. Thus making them feel more intimate to bond with and follow. While this is a good strong point of the story. I do want a little bit more detail with some of the other points of their environments. The trailer, the truck, and , sadly, the entire desert, felt rather bland and didn’t have no meaning, other than just being there. Perhaps the focus on the two love birds drew away from this, but overall you impressed me with how you managed to continue to mentally draw more in my mind as they interacted with certain pieces. The car seat, the couch, and the mailbox all held a meaningful impact that made the surroundings even more effective. Even though it shouldn’t be the focus it still plays a role in making the plot stronger and the immersive experience much deeper.
Relating-Being able to relate to a character is an important part of immersion that can make a story interesting. You meet someone, follow them through their journey, and end up learning from them. Witnessing their victories and/or failures. You do this easily by summing up their concerns through dialogue and the descriptions with their current attire and clothing. My only problem with this is that we could have such a stronger immersion set in if you drew flashbacks into the mix. It didn’t have to be big, but it would have made this story touching to see a bit more background to our two characters. Doli’s grandfather would have been a nice touch, when a reader would first read about an older gentleman who then passed away later in the story as you hop into the present scenario. Brittany arguing with her parents would have made the presentation of the credit card under their name seem so moving at that time. These were things you could have highlighted by merely adding a bit more to the story without ever changing the plotline.
NEGATIVES
Ending-This wasn’t exactly the strongest part of the story. It just suddenly ends without there ever having to be some sort of struggle or conflict. With Doli’s decision changing at the mere flip of a coin, to join Brittany on her adventure for the mere fact of love and a change of life. I’m not buying it. You have an established girl who knows she can live peacefully with someone who decided to run away to chase after some unknown happiness. Polar opposites that come together just so simply and easily that they never seem to have trouble meshing with one another. Doli should have at least had some decision making scenes to draw the story out more and give meaning to the ending. The ending also felt empty. There was nothing to go by or learn from this story by just having both of them joined together after um...sex. Don’t get me wrong. Loved the sex part and the lesbians, but uh...yeah. I’m a perv and you won me with just that alone. Though after calming down my white booty, I saw there was no real moral lesson or anything gained/lost.
Conflict-There wasn’t anything for me to dive into here other than the romance. Which I think was heavily overdone. No real build-up and two strangers just shagged in a torn down trailer and drove off in their truck into the sunrise. What we have here is straight line romance without anything bad in it. I never felt worried about Doli’s decision to run or stay. I never felt bad for their conditions. They just accepted everything in their wake without ever even having the thought to lay everything on the table and sort through each piece. Just that simple conflict alone would have made this light up like fire. Though it’s entirely difficult to make such a conflict complex in its symplectic nature of just making a single choice. There were things you could have played with to make Doli’s leaving more depressing, or joyful, for your reader by playing with the story more. By adding in a scene where Doli looks over her bank account or Brittany ends up treating her out to dinner. These things could have made this so much more concrete to have that effect in the end where a reader would be happy/sad with the ending of Doli’s absence in the desert or her new outlook on life and her current relationship.
Life-Life in itself is difficult. This is highlighted so much in this story that its able to make a name for itself by just showing two girls down on their luck, yet high off of life. The numbing desperation of living a stable life with the curious whimsical nature that is luck and chance. Doli’s job and life conditions are something a person can relate to, as not everyone has their very own dream house or the perfect job. Even when you do it’ll feel like something is missing. Which we get that end from brittany herself. These facts are told, yet they never seemed to play a role for the two characters. It was here I expected to see some sort of struggle. Something bad that would make the good parts shine through. These girls had their priorities straight, yet dropped everything. The simple question is can you yourself, or I for that matter, do the same? What does this story encourage? What does it entail? I can’t grasp the lesson. The moral of the story just feels out of place telling me to drop everything and face every difficult thing in life. No money, how to move around, which bed to sleep in next, etc. All just to chase something that really has no goal in it. Then there’s the theory of purpose and playing a part in the web of economical nature, but that’s another thing entirely.
So this is the first story I’ve read and reviewed in a long time. It’s not the best quality but has a lot of features that most can’t seem to grasp. Traits being romance plotline, details in dialogue, among many things. So far I wasn’t moved and felt disappointed as it held a feeling of a slice of life movie or a book. I expected to cry and smile at the same time. To truly be there for that character in her one important decision in her life. It had a good climb and ended with a suddenly slowing halt. This one felt more linear than most stories. So it really didn’t move me. It did moved something though *wink wink* girl on girl.
“Labtop? Check.” the voice replied back to itself. Listing out items that served a certain purpose.
“Mouse? Checkarooni.” a light giggled followed this time as the voice seemed to be flaring out in glee. Happy to have been doing whatever it was he was clearly setting up for.
“Review draft? Oh yeah, got that!” the change of the tone of voice showed some type of depression as he sighed out with a simple fling of his leg right over his head. Brushing his long flowing blue mane as he sat down.
With a mix of dread, fear, and happiness, Remedy was back on scene.
“Alright. Been a loonnnggg time. Finally back now.” A swift flick of his hoof and the top of the labtop flung open with it’s light flaring out at Remedy’s face. Beeping back to life as hooftips tapped along the keyboard.
“And. To…-” His words trailed out slowing in motion as he tapped more keys logging into his secured computer clicking on several links and getting to the one page that made his face light up with a smile.
“Begin!” A final tap and Remedy found himself staring at a blank replica of a white sheet. An empty document that he would write his next story. His next piece of work. His aspirations his thoughts and fantasies, to be stroked into words and coding that would be presented to the community he had loathed and loved for so long.
Yet even as happy as he was. There in the moment of his choosing. With the single chance to continue. He had froze up. His hooves finding no reason to tap anymore keys. Soon he could feel every spark fade away. Along with his smile which now mirrored how his stomach felt. Something he had loved to do so often just now seemed to fall apart so easily for him.
Whatever reason Remy had stopped for, it was clear that it was strong enough to tear apart at his mind. Rejection, judgement, acceptance, and certain things that just seemed to appalled him, were all tied into this devastating ache in his belly.
Through sheer mental capacity, Remedy had swallowed hard and accepted it. Doing what he loved to do and letting those matters be handled later in the future.
His right hoof tapped one key, with his left slowly tapping in pursuit. Soon he found his limbs back in business typing on his old out-dated thing. A steady rhythm of keys being hit filled the air. His mind releasing thoughts left and right. His smile perked up once more and for now he was lost in the love for the art of writing.
“Block Hurdle”
-Remedial Fortuitous Heart
POSITIVES
Details-The traits in this story is rather emphasized on the conditions that surround our two characters in their story. You take simple qualities and features and make them known without having to overdo each one. Some are more obvious and others are painted for the reader. This draws you into the story and shows a good natural feel to the characters. Thus making them feel more intimate to bond with and follow. While this is a good strong point of the story. I do want a little bit more detail with some of the other points of their environments. The trailer, the truck, and , sadly, the entire desert, felt rather bland and didn’t have no meaning, other than just being there. Perhaps the focus on the two love birds drew away from this, but overall you impressed me with how you managed to continue to mentally draw more in my mind as they interacted with certain pieces. The car seat, the couch, and the mailbox all held a meaningful impact that made the surroundings even more effective. Even though it shouldn’t be the focus it still plays a role in making the plot stronger and the immersive experience much deeper.
Relating-Being able to relate to a character is an important part of immersion that can make a story interesting. You meet someone, follow them through their journey, and end up learning from them. Witnessing their victories and/or failures. You do this easily by summing up their concerns through dialogue and the descriptions with their current attire and clothing. My only problem with this is that we could have such a stronger immersion set in if you drew flashbacks into the mix. It didn’t have to be big, but it would have made this story touching to see a bit more background to our two characters. Doli’s grandfather would have been a nice touch, when a reader would first read about an older gentleman who then passed away later in the story as you hop into the present scenario. Brittany arguing with her parents would have made the presentation of the credit card under their name seem so moving at that time. These were things you could have highlighted by merely adding a bit more to the story without ever changing the plotline.
NEGATIVES
Ending-This wasn’t exactly the strongest part of the story. It just suddenly ends without there ever having to be some sort of struggle or conflict. With Doli’s decision changing at the mere flip of a coin, to join Brittany on her adventure for the mere fact of love and a change of life. I’m not buying it. You have an established girl who knows she can live peacefully with someone who decided to run away to chase after some unknown happiness. Polar opposites that come together just so simply and easily that they never seem to have trouble meshing with one another. Doli should have at least had some decision making scenes to draw the story out more and give meaning to the ending. The ending also felt empty. There was nothing to go by or learn from this story by just having both of them joined together after um...sex. Don’t get me wrong. Loved the sex part and the lesbians, but uh...yeah. I’m a perv and you won me with just that alone. Though after calming down my white booty, I saw there was no real moral lesson or anything gained/lost.
Conflict-There wasn’t anything for me to dive into here other than the romance. Which I think was heavily overdone. No real build-up and two strangers just shagged in a torn down trailer and drove off in their truck into the sunrise. What we have here is straight line romance without anything bad in it. I never felt worried about Doli’s decision to run or stay. I never felt bad for their conditions. They just accepted everything in their wake without ever even having the thought to lay everything on the table and sort through each piece. Just that simple conflict alone would have made this light up like fire. Though it’s entirely difficult to make such a conflict complex in its symplectic nature of just making a single choice. There were things you could have played with to make Doli’s leaving more depressing, or joyful, for your reader by playing with the story more. By adding in a scene where Doli looks over her bank account or Brittany ends up treating her out to dinner. These things could have made this so much more concrete to have that effect in the end where a reader would be happy/sad with the ending of Doli’s absence in the desert or her new outlook on life and her current relationship.
Life-Life in itself is difficult. This is highlighted so much in this story that its able to make a name for itself by just showing two girls down on their luck, yet high off of life. The numbing desperation of living a stable life with the curious whimsical nature that is luck and chance. Doli’s job and life conditions are something a person can relate to, as not everyone has their very own dream house or the perfect job. Even when you do it’ll feel like something is missing. Which we get that end from brittany herself. These facts are told, yet they never seemed to play a role for the two characters. It was here I expected to see some sort of struggle. Something bad that would make the good parts shine through. These girls had their priorities straight, yet dropped everything. The simple question is can you yourself, or I for that matter, do the same? What does this story encourage? What does it entail? I can’t grasp the lesson. The moral of the story just feels out of place telling me to drop everything and face every difficult thing in life. No money, how to move around, which bed to sleep in next, etc. All just to chase something that really has no goal in it. Then there’s the theory of purpose and playing a part in the web of economical nature, but that’s another thing entirely.
So this is the first story I’ve read and reviewed in a long time. It’s not the best quality but has a lot of features that most can’t seem to grasp. Traits being romance plotline, details in dialogue, among many things. So far I wasn’t moved and felt disappointed as it held a feeling of a slice of life movie or a book. I expected to cry and smile at the same time. To truly be there for that character in her one important decision in her life. It had a good climb and ended with a suddenly slowing halt. This one felt more linear than most stories. So it really didn’t move me. It did moved something though *wink wink* girl on girl.
I'm not sure how to judge this one. It's well written, but this is an Original Fiction round and this is not an Original Fiction story.
I'm going to punt and abstain.
I'm going to punt and abstain.
>>CoffeeMinion
Gonna agree with Coffee here. 90 percent of this story was exposition in the style of "Hey, you remember the time we..."
Gonna agree with Coffee here. 90 percent of this story was exposition in the style of "Hey, you remember the time we..."
So, a belated retrospective on "Beastly."
Before anything else is written, I wish to give my thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. Special thanks are in order for >>Scramblers and Shadows, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Not_A_Hat, and >>Ratlab for taking the extra time to post what they thought of this piece, whether it be positive, negative, or indifferent.
One of the criticisms from the last story I submitted here (and it was an aspect that, I am ashamed to say, was something that never once occurred to me during its writing) was that, the way the story's ending was written, tended to sap it of any surprise for the reader. In other words, I had completely failed to consider the reader's perspective. As such, one of the major reasons I wrote this piece was to provide the reader with the necessary twist that the last one lacked. If the above response is indicative of the majority, then it appears that this go-around was successful. The main point of criticism now lies primarily with this story's ending. This is entirely fair, but, such being the case, I would like to ask both >>Scramblers and Shadows and >>Not_A_Hat just in what way, exactly, they would have liked to see this story come to an end. The only other possible conclusion I have thought of thus far has been ending the tale with a conversation between two members of the submarine's crew over what has just transpired. Perhaps, depending on how it is done and my skill at writing such a thing, that might bring about the added depth and resonance that was found lacking. But, obviously, I am open to suggestions. As a further note, specifically to S&S, was the criticism that the "introductory paragraph seems to be trying a wee bit too hard." Given that this is a charge that was levied at a few stories on here, I am legitimately curious: Trying too hard in what way?
Additionally, there was the criticism that the story needs "a second pass and some judicious pruning," which it absolutely does. Going into Sunday of the writing weekend, I had about 400-450 words actually written down. Due to some personal tsuris which had left me in a mental flat spin for most of Saturday, I was largely convinced that it would be better to just scuttle the whole thing and try again in the next original mini-fic round. However, I managed to rally at work on Sunday, and, after arriving home, put on some appropriate music and hopped to it. Most of this was written between 11 pm Sunday and 6 am Monday. From flat spin to afterburners a-go-go, oh yeah! While I am still reasonably happy with this piece, crude as it is, I fully concede that it needs additional work before it might possibly be sent out into the world at large, and, again, I thank everyone for helping point out some of my blind spots here.
A note on the historical background:
The Regenfels and her master Paul Braunwald are completely fictitious. There was a real German freighter, the Erlangen, which attempted to sail home from Australia at the start of World War II. Its tale inspired the 1948 novel The Sea Chase, which was adapted into a movie in 1955 starring (of all people) John Wayne as the German ship's captain. Despite the fictional nature of the incident described here, the story draws some heat from the fact that such a crime could have conceivably happened. Between the Imperial German Navy attacking hospital ships (the three such ships mentioned in the fake newspaper article (the Rewa, the Glenart Castle, and the Llandovery Castle) were all real, and in the latter two cases, survivors from both ships were machine-gunned in the water by the U-boats that sank them) and the British Royal Navy committing various acts of unpunished cruelty (such as during the Baralong incidents, the affair with the crew of the Zeppelin L.19, and the alleged attack on survivors from the submarine SM UB-110), the brutality of World War I was not just a land-locked occurrence. Regrettably, these incidents tend to be generally unremembered, along with much of the war at sea.
In closing, I would like to note that >>CoffeeMinion's comment is probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me about my writing in a long time. About ten years, to be precise. It might not provide much insight for improving, but it is a grand and glorious thing to hear, all the same. It helps provide the fuel for wanting to improve.
Before anything else is written, I wish to give my thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. Special thanks are in order for >>Scramblers and Shadows, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Not_A_Hat, and >>Ratlab for taking the extra time to post what they thought of this piece, whether it be positive, negative, or indifferent.
One of the criticisms from the last story I submitted here (and it was an aspect that, I am ashamed to say, was something that never once occurred to me during its writing) was that, the way the story's ending was written, tended to sap it of any surprise for the reader. In other words, I had completely failed to consider the reader's perspective. As such, one of the major reasons I wrote this piece was to provide the reader with the necessary twist that the last one lacked. If the above response is indicative of the majority, then it appears that this go-around was successful. The main point of criticism now lies primarily with this story's ending. This is entirely fair, but, such being the case, I would like to ask both >>Scramblers and Shadows and >>Not_A_Hat just in what way, exactly, they would have liked to see this story come to an end. The only other possible conclusion I have thought of thus far has been ending the tale with a conversation between two members of the submarine's crew over what has just transpired. Perhaps, depending on how it is done and my skill at writing such a thing, that might bring about the added depth and resonance that was found lacking. But, obviously, I am open to suggestions. As a further note, specifically to S&S, was the criticism that the "introductory paragraph seems to be trying a wee bit too hard." Given that this is a charge that was levied at a few stories on here, I am legitimately curious: Trying too hard in what way?
Additionally, there was the criticism that the story needs "a second pass and some judicious pruning," which it absolutely does. Going into Sunday of the writing weekend, I had about 400-450 words actually written down. Due to some personal tsuris which had left me in a mental flat spin for most of Saturday, I was largely convinced that it would be better to just scuttle the whole thing and try again in the next original mini-fic round. However, I managed to rally at work on Sunday, and, after arriving home, put on some appropriate music and hopped to it. Most of this was written between 11 pm Sunday and 6 am Monday. From flat spin to afterburners a-go-go, oh yeah! While I am still reasonably happy with this piece, crude as it is, I fully concede that it needs additional work before it might possibly be sent out into the world at large, and, again, I thank everyone for helping point out some of my blind spots here.
A note on the historical background:
The Regenfels and her master Paul Braunwald are completely fictitious. There was a real German freighter, the Erlangen, which attempted to sail home from Australia at the start of World War II. Its tale inspired the 1948 novel The Sea Chase, which was adapted into a movie in 1955 starring (of all people) John Wayne as the German ship's captain. Despite the fictional nature of the incident described here, the story draws some heat from the fact that such a crime could have conceivably happened. Between the Imperial German Navy attacking hospital ships (the three such ships mentioned in the fake newspaper article (the Rewa, the Glenart Castle, and the Llandovery Castle) were all real, and in the latter two cases, survivors from both ships were machine-gunned in the water by the U-boats that sank them) and the British Royal Navy committing various acts of unpunished cruelty (such as during the Baralong incidents, the affair with the crew of the Zeppelin L.19, and the alleged attack on survivors from the submarine SM UB-110), the brutality of World War I was not just a land-locked occurrence. Regrettably, these incidents tend to be generally unremembered, along with much of the war at sea.
In closing, I would like to note that >>CoffeeMinion's comment is probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me about my writing in a long time. About ten years, to be precise. It might not provide much insight for improving, but it is a grand and glorious thing to hear, all the same. It helps provide the fuel for wanting to improve.
>>horizon
Bastly - A German freighter trying to sneak through a storm is, for no discernible reason, sunk by the ancient Egyptian goddess of cats.
Well, a meeting between a feline deity and a vessel traveling upon a vast body of water is bound to end poorly.
>>billymorph
Breastly - ... I got nothing.
This sounds like it would end a lot more happily for Paul and his crew. It reminds me of a line from The Hunt for Red October: "And when we are finished, the only sound they will hear is our laughter, whilst we sail to Havana, where the sun is warm, and so is the 'comradeship.'"
Bastly - A German freighter trying to sneak through a storm is, for no discernible reason, sunk by the ancient Egyptian goddess of cats.
Well, a meeting between a feline deity and a vessel traveling upon a vast body of water is bound to end poorly.
>>billymorph
Breastly - ... I got nothing.
This sounds like it would end a lot more happily for Paul and his crew. It reminds me of a line from The Hunt for Red October: "And when we are finished, the only sound they will hear is our laughter, whilst we sail to Havana, where the sun is warm, and so is the 'comradeship.'"
As others have noted, it would be for this story's best if there were more story in here.
I believe that the best way to accomplish this would be to either ramp up the intensity of the relationship between the two characters, or to telescope the amount of time in which this takes place (upping it from a day to, say, three days). I can readily believe that two people who have just met can make such an impulsive, life-altering decision in this short a period of time. What I cannot believe, as it stands, is how these two particular characters did this, beyond a trite "because the author made it so." There are hints at interesting directions that each of these characters could be taken, but they need both narrative space and emotional room to be allowed to take them, first.
I will give credit, however, for the sort of low-key audacity inherent in looking at a prompt like "The Killing Machine" and producing a slice-of-life romance tale in response. One that also manages to take a very subtle approach to the prompt, as well. The grind of lower-class life on the margins might lack the rah-rah-sis-boom-bah of clashing machinery and sundering flesh, but it can be (or, at the very least, feels) just as lethal, all the same. It is to this story's merit that it manages to approach that, however quietly.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
I believe that the best way to accomplish this would be to either ramp up the intensity of the relationship between the two characters, or to telescope the amount of time in which this takes place (upping it from a day to, say, three days). I can readily believe that two people who have just met can make such an impulsive, life-altering decision in this short a period of time. What I cannot believe, as it stands, is how these two particular characters did this, beyond a trite "because the author made it so." There are hints at interesting directions that each of these characters could be taken, but they need both narrative space and emotional room to be allowed to take them, first.
I will give credit, however, for the sort of low-key audacity inherent in looking at a prompt like "The Killing Machine" and producing a slice-of-life romance tale in response. One that also manages to take a very subtle approach to the prompt, as well. The grind of lower-class life on the margins might lack the rah-rah-sis-boom-bah of clashing machinery and sundering flesh, but it can be (or, at the very least, feels) just as lethal, all the same. It is to this story's merit that it manages to approach that, however quietly.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
So, to echo many others at this late juncture, the opening scene in this is excellent. It really could almost stand on its own as a full story. Which is not to say that the rest is an afterthought, mind, just that it lacks some of the vibrancy that made the opening really pop. I felt like I had gotten whomped over the head by the time the first scene break was hit.
I found this tidbit to be especially clever: Jonas drained his glass of wine, then made a face. “It sure isn’t the alcohol. Are you trying to poison us with this shit? Talk about cliché.” On the first readthrough, there is absolutely nothing there to suggest that the mention of poison is anything other than hyperbole. The second time around, though, comes the realization that Jonas is completely serious about asking his host if there was anything more in the glass than alcohol.
For the amount of time provided in which to finish this, the end result is excellent. More detail on the world in which this takes place would be welcome, but what is here is surely enough to whet one's appetite. I took from this story the idea that it is about a group of highly intelligent, deeply troubled people who gained access to something that they once believed would allow them to circumnavigate their lives in new and profound ways. Now, though, the thrill of circumnavigation is gone, and they are simply going around in circles, with revivification only providing them a new manner in which (to bootjack a Pink Floyd lyric) to fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
This is stark and glitteringly cruel. Please, I would like some more.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
I found this tidbit to be especially clever: Jonas drained his glass of wine, then made a face. “It sure isn’t the alcohol. Are you trying to poison us with this shit? Talk about cliché.” On the first readthrough, there is absolutely nothing there to suggest that the mention of poison is anything other than hyperbole. The second time around, though, comes the realization that Jonas is completely serious about asking his host if there was anything more in the glass than alcohol.
For the amount of time provided in which to finish this, the end result is excellent. More detail on the world in which this takes place would be welcome, but what is here is surely enough to whet one's appetite. I took from this story the idea that it is about a group of highly intelligent, deeply troubled people who gained access to something that they once believed would allow them to circumnavigate their lives in new and profound ways. Now, though, the thrill of circumnavigation is gone, and they are simply going around in circles, with revivification only providing them a new manner in which (to bootjack a Pink Floyd lyric) to fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
This is stark and glitteringly cruel. Please, I would like some more.
Thank you, author, for writing this.
The lesson I learned here is: don't try being subtle.
Everyone commented that the suspension of disbelief was ruined by the fact that the conspiracy portrayed in this story was impossible. Where I went wrong was not making it explicit enough that this story is an allegory referencing two conspiracies just like that.
The real-world Pact of Forgetting was the name of the agreement forged in post-Franco Spain as part of an effort to put the years of civil war and Nationalist rule behind them. It did not involve actual forgetting so much as an agreement to simply let the past be the past, to ignore the crimes that were committed during Franco's rule because there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on them.
The second, of course, was hinted at in the date that keeps appearing in the story: June 4. The very first sentence, in fact, is "I celebrated my fourteenth birthday on June 4th, 2062."
June 4, of course, is the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989, an event which is virtually unknown in China. The government has successfully suppressed teaching or acknowledgement of it, and the people who do attempt to protest it end up in jail.
When seven smart people review your story and none of them make these connections, it's a sign that the author didn't do a good enough job of making the connection clear. This goes doubly so in an event like the Writeoff, where readers have an entire slate of stories to get through and can't dedicate too much time or analytic power to any single one.
Everyone commented that the suspension of disbelief was ruined by the fact that the conspiracy portrayed in this story was impossible. Where I went wrong was not making it explicit enough that this story is an allegory referencing two conspiracies just like that.
The real-world Pact of Forgetting was the name of the agreement forged in post-Franco Spain as part of an effort to put the years of civil war and Nationalist rule behind them. It did not involve actual forgetting so much as an agreement to simply let the past be the past, to ignore the crimes that were committed during Franco's rule because there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on them.
The second, of course, was hinted at in the date that keeps appearing in the story: June 4. The very first sentence, in fact, is "I celebrated my fourteenth birthday on June 4th, 2062."
June 4, of course, is the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989, an event which is virtually unknown in China. The government has successfully suppressed teaching or acknowledgement of it, and the people who do attempt to protest it end up in jail.
When seven smart people review your story and none of them make these connections, it's a sign that the author didn't do a good enough job of making the connection clear. This goes doubly so in an event like the Writeoff, where readers have an entire slate of stories to get through and can't dedicate too much time or analytic power to any single one.
>>Cold in Gardez
While the allegory might be obvious in hindsight, I think that it still stretches the limit of the suspension of disbelief.
You made it seem like 2 billion people were killed (one every three inhabitants of our planet) and it could be hidden in some way. It was too big, too much. It requires that the US isolated themselves from the rest of the world, that all dissidents had to disappear, that everyone (which means again the rest of the world) would play along in killing so many and then keep quiet about it.
The pact of forgetting in Spain is a legal framework, but people didn't forget. And Tiananmen is a bit different than the situation shown here.
That said, I liked the high level concept behind the story, I consider it very well written and the build up was interesting up to the revelation, but it still doesn't work for me, even with the explanation.
While the allegory might be obvious in hindsight, I think that it still stretches the limit of the suspension of disbelief.
You made it seem like 2 billion people were killed (one every three inhabitants of our planet) and it could be hidden in some way. It was too big, too much. It requires that the US isolated themselves from the rest of the world, that all dissidents had to disappear, that everyone (which means again the rest of the world) would play along in killing so many and then keep quiet about it.
The pact of forgetting in Spain is a legal framework, but people didn't forget. And Tiananmen is a bit different than the situation shown here.
That said, I liked the high level concept behind the story, I consider it very well written and the build up was interesting up to the revelation, but it still doesn't work for me, even with the explanation.
I’m glad those of you who enjoyed it, enjoyed it, and for those that didn’t, thanks for reading on anyway and leaving feedback, I really appreciate it :)
I will post my retrospective tomorrow.
In the meanwhile thanks to all the reviewers for their time and the effort they've put into the write-off. I admit this time of being guilty of having added very little to the discussion, but I will try to do better the next time.
In the meanwhile thanks to all the reviewers for their time and the effort they've put into the write-off. I admit this time of being guilty of having added very little to the discussion, but I will try to do better the next time.
>>Baal Bunny >>billymorph >>Not_A_Hat >>CoffeeMinion >>georg >>horizon >>Scramblers and Shadows >>Remedyfortheheart >>Hagdal Hohensalza
The Killing Machine is like, society maaan...
4th place! And probably just a single vote or so off of getting my first medal. Oh well. I've got a good idea for the next pony round, let's see if I can pull it off.
To the surprise of very few, I wrote the story about lesbians in a writeoff about Killing Machines.
A week or so before this writeoff, I saw a yuri visual novel on Steam called "Highway Blossoms." About two girls in the american southwest who drive around on a road trip then fall in lesbians. I thought "that sounds neat," and bought it. A few days later, I came up with the premise for Bluebirds, loosely based on the general premise of lesbian hitchhikers in the southwest. Then the writeoff came along, the prompt was Killing Machine, I blanched, then decided to do it vaguely anyway. Only after I had fully written the story did I actually bother to read Highway Blossoms. It was pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing, but I'm certainly glad I waited until after I'd finished writing Bluebirds to read it.
In any case, Bluebirds. Alcoholic Navajo girl with nothing to live for meets insane white girl who's thrown away everything. It's not a particularly healthy relationship. They barely know each other, their compatibility is based only on lust and physical proximity and a desperate need for companionship of any sort. Their trip is ill thought out, and will almost certainly end poorly.
According to my cursory google research, bluebirds are a symbol of the sun and morning in Navajo culture, and it is allegedly the meaning of the name "Doli." There's also a early 20th century Belgian play, later adapted into a number of movies called The Blue Bird. Something about children leaving on a fairytale adventure to seek this mythical bluebird of happiness only to find out that it was just sitting around at home the entire time.
I agree with a lot of the critique in that this story simply needed more. More angst, more conflict, more fleshing out of the characters, maybe a little more time spent with them, more time emphasizing the crippling poverty of Doli's surroundings.
A few things I wanted to address specifically:
>>horizon
Really? Doli spent a significant amount of her narration heavily focused on Brittany's physical appearance, often describing in almost worshipful language. She keeps getting lost in Brittany's eyes, staring at her cleavage, getting anxious about having a pretty girl naked in her shower, and is flustered at the offer of sharing the bed. I'm not sure how I could have made it any gayer, other than throwing in some telly narration of "oh look how lesbians I am"
>>Scramblers and Shadows
The line in question here is more of a bitter aside, an acknowledgement that being half white was the only way Doli's ex was able to escape the crippling poverty of the Navajo Nation (and leave Doli behind.) Whether or not Brittany recognizes it as such is up in the air, but she deflects it and turns it around to tease and flirt anyway.
In any case, thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing Bluebirds. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not, oh well. As it's original fiction and I can't get horsepoints for publishing it, I doubt I'll do any revising, but I'm getting close to starting on an original novel soon anyway, once I finish my current horse-project, and getting in OF practice is always welcome. Congratulations to our finalists, and I look forward to seeing many of you at Bronycon.
The Killing Machine is like, society maaan...
4th place! And probably just a single vote or so off of getting my first medal. Oh well. I've got a good idea for the next pony round, let's see if I can pull it off.
To the surprise of very few, I wrote the story about lesbians in a writeoff about Killing Machines.
A week or so before this writeoff, I saw a yuri visual novel on Steam called "Highway Blossoms." About two girls in the american southwest who drive around on a road trip then fall in lesbians. I thought "that sounds neat," and bought it. A few days later, I came up with the premise for Bluebirds, loosely based on the general premise of lesbian hitchhikers in the southwest. Then the writeoff came along, the prompt was Killing Machine, I blanched, then decided to do it vaguely anyway. Only after I had fully written the story did I actually bother to read Highway Blossoms. It was pretty good, if you're into that sort of thing, but I'm certainly glad I waited until after I'd finished writing Bluebirds to read it.
In any case, Bluebirds. Alcoholic Navajo girl with nothing to live for meets insane white girl who's thrown away everything. It's not a particularly healthy relationship. They barely know each other, their compatibility is based only on lust and physical proximity and a desperate need for companionship of any sort. Their trip is ill thought out, and will almost certainly end poorly.
According to my cursory google research, bluebirds are a symbol of the sun and morning in Navajo culture, and it is allegedly the meaning of the name "Doli." There's also a early 20th century Belgian play, later adapted into a number of movies called The Blue Bird. Something about children leaving on a fairytale adventure to seek this mythical bluebird of happiness only to find out that it was just sitting around at home the entire time.
I agree with a lot of the critique in that this story simply needed more. More angst, more conflict, more fleshing out of the characters, maybe a little more time spent with them, more time emphasizing the crippling poverty of Doli's surroundings.
A few things I wanted to address specifically:
>>horizon
No, what first really made me blink here was Brittany's out-of-nowhere gaydar and Doli's unforeshadowed lesbianism.
Really? Doli spent a significant amount of her narration heavily focused on Brittany's physical appearance, often describing in almost worshipful language. She keeps getting lost in Brittany's eyes, staring at her cleavage, getting anxious about having a pretty girl naked in her shower, and is flustered at the offer of sharing the bed. I'm not sure how I could have made it any gayer, other than throwing in some telly narration of "oh look how lesbians I am"
>>Scramblers and Shadows
Because the deepest possible basis of attraction is educational background and race. Okay, sure.
The line in question here is more of a bitter aside, an acknowledgement that being half white was the only way Doli's ex was able to escape the crippling poverty of the Navajo Nation (and leave Doli behind.) Whether or not Brittany recognizes it as such is up in the air, but she deflects it and turns it around to tease and flirt anyway.
In any case, thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing Bluebirds. I hope you enjoyed it, and if not, oh well. As it's original fiction and I can't get horsepoints for publishing it, I doubt I'll do any revising, but I'm getting close to starting on an original novel soon anyway, once I finish my current horse-project, and getting in OF practice is always welcome. Congratulations to our finalists, and I look forward to seeing many of you at Bronycon.
>>Cold in Gardez
I disagree with you, vigorously. The subtlety in this piece was a large part of its appeal. If anything, I think this should serve as a reminder to the rest of us that historical evils can be suppressed and forgotten if we let them be. Maybe the scale of it here is orders of magnitude larger than what we might be accustomed to, but I see nothing wrong with a work of fiction positing such a scenario.
I disagree with you, vigorously. The subtlety in this piece was a large part of its appeal. If anything, I think this should serve as a reminder to the rest of us that historical evils can be suppressed and forgotten if we let them be. Maybe the scale of it here is orders of magnitude larger than what we might be accustomed to, but I see nothing wrong with a work of fiction positing such a scenario.
>>Orbiting_kettle I definitely agree with Orbiting_kettle here. It's not the idea of a forgetting that's the problem, those happen and I can name half a dozen from WW2 alone, its the sheer scale of the genocide that blows all suspension of disbelief out of the water.
In a perverse way the whole war against the AI is far more believable story than the genocide. We know how difficult it is to keep a conspiracy rolling and how difficult a genocide is to perpetrate in secret (even ipso facto). Meanwhile, the AI war is a standard narrative trope so passes through most filters even if a few people raised eyebrows over how quickly it struck. The contrast between the two probably did the most damage to the suspension of disbelief in retrospect.
I will say though that this:
Is not a good way to deliver hints. Requiring your reader to infer historical trivia in a birth-date is just asking for the point to go flying over everyone's head. It's fine to have those kind of things, and I actually like putting those kinds of references in my own writing as a reward for the reader, but they can't be relied on by any measure.
In a perverse way the whole war against the AI is far more believable story than the genocide. We know how difficult it is to keep a conspiracy rolling and how difficult a genocide is to perpetrate in secret (even ipso facto). Meanwhile, the AI war is a standard narrative trope so passes through most filters even if a few people raised eyebrows over how quickly it struck. The contrast between the two probably did the most damage to the suspension of disbelief in retrospect.
I will say though that this:
June 4. The very first sentence, in fact, is "I celebrated my fourteenth birthday on June 4th, 2062."
June 4, of course, is the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre in 1989, an event which is virtually unknown in China.
Is not a good way to deliver hints. Requiring your reader to infer historical trivia in a birth-date is just asking for the point to go flying over everyone's head. It's fine to have those kind of things, and I actually like putting those kinds of references in my own writing as a reward for the reader, but they can't be relied on by any measure.
Thanks, folks!
And congrats to the other medalists. After nearly two years of entries, I now have one of each medal!
As for the story, one of my constant problems in first draft--and even after two years, I'm still unable to come up with anything but a first draft in three days--is starting the action later than I should. It's an adage of short story construction to start as close to the ending as you can, but I tend to take that way too far.
In the rewrite I'm working on now, the first scene is the night after King Cole's funeral with Blue and Muffet on a hill overlooking the capital city--and I really need to come up with a name for the capital city. That way, I can get all that backstory covered "in scene" just before the two of them leave, pretty sure that they'll never see Bitsy or each other again. Then we cut to six years later, and the story can carry out without a bunch of the current expositing. I'm also aiming to make Blue much more pro-King Cole and Bitsy more anti with Muffet steering the middle course between them.
Oh, and a needlessly persnickety point of correction: "The Procession of the Equinoxes" wasn't technically a professional sale, >>horizon. Gods WIth Fur paid half a cent a word, and SFWA defines that as semi-professional: it's gotta be six cents a word or more to rate as professional. But your point about finding the right editor is still very true--I'm convinced the only reason I get a story into the Sword and Sorceress anthology every year is 'cause Elisabeth Waters has a soft spot in her heart for squirrels. :)
Mike
And congrats to the other medalists. After nearly two years of entries, I now have one of each medal!
As for the story, one of my constant problems in first draft--and even after two years, I'm still unable to come up with anything but a first draft in three days--is starting the action later than I should. It's an adage of short story construction to start as close to the ending as you can, but I tend to take that way too far.
In the rewrite I'm working on now, the first scene is the night after King Cole's funeral with Blue and Muffet on a hill overlooking the capital city--and I really need to come up with a name for the capital city. That way, I can get all that backstory covered "in scene" just before the two of them leave, pretty sure that they'll never see Bitsy or each other again. Then we cut to six years later, and the story can carry out without a bunch of the current expositing. I'm also aiming to make Blue much more pro-King Cole and Bitsy more anti with Muffet steering the middle course between them.
Oh, and a needlessly persnickety point of correction: "The Procession of the Equinoxes" wasn't technically a professional sale, >>horizon. Gods WIth Fur paid half a cent a word, and SFWA defines that as semi-professional: it's gotta be six cents a word or more to rate as professional. But your point about finding the right editor is still very true--I'm convinced the only reason I get a story into the Sword and Sorceress anthology every year is 'cause Elisabeth Waters has a soft spot in her heart for squirrels. :)
Mike
>>Cold in Gardez
First, I have to throw in with OK and Billymorph above. Even had I seen the allegory, I don't think I would have been willing to overlook the believability issue. A story needs to stand on its own terms, before you bring in allegory or metaphor or symbolism. (That's just a personal preference, mind, but it seems to be one a lot of people share.)
On top of that, I I wonder if the style is suited to the subject. You've got a story here that comes very close to realism. That might be priming readers not to expect an allegory. At the very least, you're priming them to read the story as realist first, even if there's an allegory later.
Second, I totally agree about the WriteOffs being a bad arena for subtlety.
First, I have to throw in with OK and Billymorph above. Even had I seen the allegory, I don't think I would have been willing to overlook the believability issue. A story needs to stand on its own terms, before you bring in allegory or metaphor or symbolism. (That's just a personal preference, mind, but it seems to be one a lot of people share.)
On top of that, I I wonder if the style is suited to the subject. You've got a story here that comes very close to realism. That might be priming readers not to expect an allegory. At the very least, you're priming them to read the story as realist first, even if there's an allegory later.
Second, I totally agree about the WriteOffs being a bad arena for subtlety.
>>Oroboro
To be fair, I did preface that quote by saying the text itself seemed to acknowledge the problems. :p
This actually connects with CiG's point about subtlety above. The thing is, if you're portraying an unhealthy relationship as a healthy one, for irony or whatever, you need to be really underscore that it IS an unhealthy relationship. Especially when it comes to romance, because a giant chunk of our cultural output tends to glorify unhealthy and shallow relationships as a proper kind of romance.
Now, say, if you were to use this as a lead in for a longer story in which the two girls' differences ended up bubbling to the surface during their journey and made them end up hating each other, that would be fantastic.
The line in question here is more of a bitter aside, an acknowledgement that being half white was the only way Doli's ex was able to escape the crippling poverty of the Navajo Nation (and leave Doli behind.) Whether or not Brittany recognizes it as such is up in the air, but she deflects it and turns it around to tease and flirt anyway.
To be fair, I did preface that quote by saying the text itself seemed to acknowledge the problems. :p
This actually connects with CiG's point about subtlety above. The thing is, if you're portraying an unhealthy relationship as a healthy one, for irony or whatever, you need to be really underscore that it IS an unhealthy relationship. Especially when it comes to romance, because a giant chunk of our cultural output tends to glorify unhealthy and shallow relationships as a proper kind of romance.
Now, say, if you were to use this as a lead in for a longer story in which the two girls' differences ended up bubbling to the surface during their journey and made them end up hating each other, that would be fantastic.
>>Hagdal Hohensalza I feel like the suggestions I might make here would change the structure of the story significantly. I think, though, that most of my dissatisfaction came from the twist feeling rather underwhelming. That may simply signal that I'm not your target audience, honestly; just because I don't like something doesn't mean it's 'bad'.
Anyways, if you were interested in re-structuring the whole thing, I'd probably suggest de-fanging the 'twist' completely. I don't mean making it the Germans attacking, or something like that, but instead of trying to surprise your audience with the situation, use it as a plot-point and focus the story on the personal tragedy in some way? Do more individual characterization, spend a bit more time with the men, stuff like that, to end with more of a character piece tragedy instead of a 'big idea' story.
Hopefully this is helpful? I dunno. Take this with a grain of salt, because I'm definitely not the person to ask advice for about tragedies.
Anyways, if you were interested in re-structuring the whole thing, I'd probably suggest de-fanging the 'twist' completely. I don't mean making it the Germans attacking, or something like that, but instead of trying to surprise your audience with the situation, use it as a plot-point and focus the story on the personal tragedy in some way? Do more individual characterization, spend a bit more time with the men, stuff like that, to end with more of a character piece tragedy instead of a 'big idea' story.
Hopefully this is helpful? I dunno. Take this with a grain of salt, because I'm definitely not the person to ask advice for about tragedies.
Congratulations to Baal Bunny, Not_A_Hat, and horizon on their medals, and congratulations to the rest of the finalists as well!
The Unsung Ballad of Roger Wilco - A Retrospective
IT WAS ME
First of all, a hearty well-done to >>Not_A_Hat for correctly identifying all the pseudonyms I used, with a little help from >>Cassius (which makes sense, since he's the only one who correctly guessed this was my story). I admit, MargarinePsycho was a placeholder name that I never found a satisfactory replacement to, and I only included myself (Coldflower) becauseI'm a reprehensible human being I couldn't resist the temptation.
I'm very pleased that everyone seemed to get a kick out of it, at least those who posted a comment. A sincere thank you to everyone who commented (>>bloons3, >>Not_A_Hat, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Cassius, >>Oroboro, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>Ratlab, >>Oblomov, >>Monokeras, >>horizon, >>Baal Bunny), even if you were just letting me know you liked it - knowing I made someone smile makes me smile. ^^
The original seed idea for the story was the server going down for no apparent reason and Roger hitting it with a hammer a few times to fix it (a la Torbjorn from Overwatch, or Guns of Icarus), shouting "shaddap" at the computer as notifications continue to trill at him. I didn't want the community to be the antagonists, though (or at least, not as directly), so in searching for a likely suspect I started emphasizing the Outback setting, and naturally landed on meddlesome kangaroos.
The huntsman spider section was originally much longer, but I was never satisfied with it - the pace slowed to a crawl, and it was only written because the first draft of the story clocked in at a little over 1900 words. I was tempted to strike it entirely (and at this point I agree with >>Baal Bunny that I probably should have, since I didn't need the words anymore), but I think at least a few of you took it as the silly fun it was intended as. Baal's right, though, it ruins the otherwise (moderately) grounded reality of the rest of the story.
Someone in the chat (I think it was MrNumbers) pointed out that the writer was likely not Australian or British due to the fact that I spelled it "aluminum" instead of "aluminium". I waffled on this for a while, and I went with "aluminum" simply because Google Docs doesn't recognizethe proper the alternative spelling, and I didn't know for certain if Australia mirrored the UK or the US with their pronunciation.
Finally, Notorious C.I.G. is my response to a discussion held on the inaugural Writeoff podcast between Zoey (Murmurpunk), >>Dubs_Rewatcher, and Quill Scratch regarding how they pronounce the colloquial foreshortening of Cold In Gardez's name, CiG. Although, now that I think about it, Notorious B.I.G. died before any of the participants of that podcast were born... so... Apologies if the reference sailed over everyone's heads!
Anyhoo, much love, guys! Congratulations again to all of you who participated this time, and I'll see you again next round!
The Unsung Ballad of Roger Wilco - A Retrospective
IT WAS ME
First of all, a hearty well-done to >>Not_A_Hat for correctly identifying all the pseudonyms I used, with a little help from >>Cassius (which makes sense, since he's the only one who correctly guessed this was my story). I admit, MargarinePsycho was a placeholder name that I never found a satisfactory replacement to, and I only included myself (Coldflower) because
I'm very pleased that everyone seemed to get a kick out of it, at least those who posted a comment. A sincere thank you to everyone who commented (>>bloons3, >>Not_A_Hat, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Cassius, >>Oroboro, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>Ratlab, >>Oblomov, >>Monokeras, >>horizon, >>Baal Bunny), even if you were just letting me know you liked it - knowing I made someone smile makes me smile. ^^
The original seed idea for the story was the server going down for no apparent reason and Roger hitting it with a hammer a few times to fix it (a la Torbjorn from Overwatch, or Guns of Icarus), shouting "shaddap" at the computer as notifications continue to trill at him. I didn't want the community to be the antagonists, though (or at least, not as directly), so in searching for a likely suspect I started emphasizing the Outback setting, and naturally landed on meddlesome kangaroos.
The huntsman spider section was originally much longer, but I was never satisfied with it - the pace slowed to a crawl, and it was only written because the first draft of the story clocked in at a little over 1900 words. I was tempted to strike it entirely (and at this point I agree with >>Baal Bunny that I probably should have, since I didn't need the words anymore), but I think at least a few of you took it as the silly fun it was intended as. Baal's right, though, it ruins the otherwise (moderately) grounded reality of the rest of the story.
Someone in the chat (I think it was MrNumbers) pointed out that the writer was likely not Australian or British due to the fact that I spelled it "aluminum" instead of "aluminium". I waffled on this for a while, and I went with "aluminum" simply because Google Docs doesn't recognize
Finally, Notorious C.I.G. is my response to a discussion held on the inaugural Writeoff podcast between Zoey (Murmurpunk), >>Dubs_Rewatcher, and Quill Scratch regarding how they pronounce the colloquial foreshortening of Cold In Gardez's name, CiG. Although, now that I think about it, Notorious B.I.G. died before any of the participants of that podcast were born... so... Apologies if the reference sailed over everyone's heads!
Anyhoo, much love, guys! Congratulations again to all of you who participated this time, and I'll see you again next round!
Retrospective coming soonish. In the meantime, lemme just say, congratulations to our medalists, Baal, Hat, & Horizon.
And to everyone: If you think I was being overly mean or just plain silly in my reviews, by all means tell me. Only way I'll get better at reviewing.
And to everyone: If you think I was being overly mean or just plain silly in my reviews, by all means tell me. Only way I'll get better at reviewing.
>>Icenrose
First: Good on you for writing this!
Second: There's a podcast?! Where dat?
Third:
Mein Gott I'm so old!
First: Good on you for writing this!
Second: There's a podcast?! Where dat?
Third:
Notorious B.I.G. died before any of the participants of that podcast were born
Mein Gott I'm so old!
As one:
Who missed any and all allegorical intent, let me second what >>Scramblers and Shadows said about the difficulty of mixing allegory and realism. The setting led me to read the story as SF, and that could still work by applying SF principles to it. Which means covering all the bases.
I mean, the first thing I thought of after finishing the story was: what about radio and TV? You could easily have your repressive government justify keeping a clamp on broadcast media by adding it to the list of ways the fictitious rogue AI spread itself. And the books on Islamic art and architecture would've been purged decades ago, seems to me. Make the police state a bigger deal in the background of David's faux-1950s mid-Ohio world right from the beginning, and it'll set up the revelations at the end more believably.
Mike
Who missed any and all allegorical intent, let me second what >>Scramblers and Shadows said about the difficulty of mixing allegory and realism. The setting led me to read the story as SF, and that could still work by applying SF principles to it. Which means covering all the bases.
I mean, the first thing I thought of after finishing the story was: what about radio and TV? You could easily have your repressive government justify keeping a clamp on broadcast media by adding it to the list of ways the fictitious rogue AI spread itself. And the books on Islamic art and architecture would've been purged decades ago, seems to me. Make the police state a bigger deal in the background of David's faux-1950s mid-Ohio world right from the beginning, and it'll set up the revelations at the end more believably.
Mike
Suburbanism
or, Not_An_Apocalypse
…well, that went better than expected. :P Congratulations to Mike and Horizon!
Thank you, everyone who read my story, and thank you for the reviews and comments; I really do appreciate them.
This story was, primarily, spawned from world-building. One day at work, I had this idea; what would a world be like, where robots stood in for animals in a shamanistic hunter-gatherer society?
This is basically what I came up with. I guess it's the second story in which I've flirted with post-apocalypse themes; I have a sort of love-hate relationship with post-apocalypse. I don't really enjoy reading it, but I can't dismiss the fact that it tend to generate compelling ideas.
As for what's going on; >>Orbiting_kettle basically caught it. Props to you! Also, that's probably the nicest compliment I've gotten all year.
>>horizon
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ferd Threstle
>>georg
I really have no excuses for that ending. Saying I ran out of time is nice, but it would be more accurate to say "I didn't start early enough". I tacked on a poorly-thought-out-ending because of my own self-control problems, not because of the impartial clock. I reached the end and realized "I'm not really sure where I was going with this" - since it started as a world-building exercise - and I also somehow assigned more of the story to the robots than I intended, without allotting the humans as much character growth as they needed. Anyways, if I'd done this story on Friday or Saturday, I could have left it sit to come up with an ending. As it was, I wrote this out and submitted it without even an editing pass.
On the gun being unrecognizable; I originally intended to have the gun go off in his hands, but then decided that was stupid. When I took that out, however, I really should have used enough gun-words (barrel, chamber, shell, trigger) to signal very clearly what he was holding. Sorry.
>>Scramblers and Shadows
Scramblers, you bring up an interesting point with the stylization. Stylization is something I think about a fair amount, actually, and it's usually me trying to stylize my stuff more. However, your point about needing to fit the tone is well-made; I'll have to think on it.
Thanks again, guys; I'm happy you enjoyed this, and I'll try to manage my time better next round. >.< Anyways, I'm off to register for Bronycon; see some of you there, maybe!
or, Not_An_Apocalypse
…well, that went better than expected. :P Congratulations to Mike and Horizon!
Thank you, everyone who read my story, and thank you for the reviews and comments; I really do appreciate them.
This story was, primarily, spawned from world-building. One day at work, I had this idea; what would a world be like, where robots stood in for animals in a shamanistic hunter-gatherer society?
This is basically what I came up with. I guess it's the second story in which I've flirted with post-apocalypse themes; I have a sort of love-hate relationship with post-apocalypse. I don't really enjoy reading it, but I can't dismiss the fact that it tend to generate compelling ideas.
As for what's going on; >>Orbiting_kettle basically caught it. Props to you! Also, that's probably the nicest compliment I've gotten all year.
>>horizon
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Ferd Threstle
>>georg
I really have no excuses for that ending. Saying I ran out of time is nice, but it would be more accurate to say "I didn't start early enough". I tacked on a poorly-thought-out-ending because of my own self-control problems, not because of the impartial clock. I reached the end and realized "I'm not really sure where I was going with this" - since it started as a world-building exercise - and I also somehow assigned more of the story to the robots than I intended, without allotting the humans as much character growth as they needed. Anyways, if I'd done this story on Friday or Saturday, I could have left it sit to come up with an ending. As it was, I wrote this out and submitted it without even an editing pass.
On the gun being unrecognizable; I originally intended to have the gun go off in his hands, but then decided that was stupid. When I took that out, however, I really should have used enough gun-words (barrel, chamber, shell, trigger) to signal very clearly what he was holding. Sorry.
>>Scramblers and Shadows
Scramblers, you bring up an interesting point with the stylization. Stylization is something I think about a fair amount, actually, and it's usually me trying to stylize my stuff more. However, your point about needing to fit the tone is well-made; I'll have to think on it.
Thanks again, guys; I'm happy you enjoyed this, and I'll try to manage my time better next round. >.< Anyways, I'm off to register for Bronycon; see some of you there, maybe!
>>CoffeeMinion
^^ I'm sifting through previous competition events looking for the link, but I'm not finding it; I'll do a more thorough search than "ctrl + F podcast" once I get back from work. In the meantime, does anybody else have the podcast link handy? They only did the one episode so far, but I think there remains some interest (from me, at least) for more down the line.
And yes... a little part of me died inside when I realized how long ago 1997 was, too.
^^ I'm sifting through previous competition events looking for the link, but I'm not finding it; I'll do a more thorough search than "ctrl + F podcast" once I get back from work. In the meantime, does anybody else have the podcast link handy? They only did the one episode so far, but I think there remains some interest (from me, at least) for more down the line.
And yes... a little part of me died inside when I realized how long ago 1997 was, too.
>>CoffeeMinion Here is a link to a link to a download.
http://writeoff.me/event/49-No-Prompt-Have-Fun#1521
There has only ever been one 'cast to date. Perhaps we can convinced Quill Scratch, Dubs, and Zoey to make another one some time....
http://writeoff.me/event/49-No-Prompt-Have-Fun#1521
There has only ever been one 'cast to date. Perhaps we can convinced Quill Scratch, Dubs, and Zoey to make another one some time....
So I guess this is the bit where I get to be self-indulgent and prattle about my story.
>>horizon
>>Baal Bunny
>>georg
>>billymorph
>>CoffeeMinion
Hey y'all. Thank you for the reviews. And that's a pretty unanimous complaint: The ending sputtered, yeah. I should've seen that coming. I didn't even have a good idea for the ending until I was halfway through the story itself. And, in many ways, I still don't.
So thank you all especially for your suggestions – I think I can coalesce them into something much better than the story currently has: A conversation with Chirrup first, then Stark alone at the end.
Other stuff, plus trivia for where I wasn't clear enough:
Pronouns: Originally I planned to put a note in there somewhere about how Stark's conservative behaviour in choosing a physical avatar also means he holds onto a standard pronoun. (AIs, of course, choose their pronoun – and while most go for gender-neutral, they're not obliged to.) But that got left out of the last round of panic edits.
Metric ordnance: I guess I got a bit carried away in my throw-physics-words-everywhere approach. The name, if you're interested, is a reference to the metric tensor in GR. Lord knows why I left a description of this so bare when I was being lavish elsewhere. Anyway, noted to be fixed.
The Teapot: Yeah, that changes material halfway through. It was porcelain originally. Then I realised, if jaunting breaks it, how could Ticktock have brought it in intact in the first place? Again, panic edits leading to inconsistencies.
>>horizon
>>Baal Bunny
>>georg
>>billymorph
>>CoffeeMinion
Hey y'all. Thank you for the reviews. And that's a pretty unanimous complaint: The ending sputtered, yeah. I should've seen that coming. I didn't even have a good idea for the ending until I was halfway through the story itself. And, in many ways, I still don't.
So thank you all especially for your suggestions – I think I can coalesce them into something much better than the story currently has: A conversation with Chirrup first, then Stark alone at the end.
Other stuff, plus trivia for where I wasn't clear enough:
Pronouns: Originally I planned to put a note in there somewhere about how Stark's conservative behaviour in choosing a physical avatar also means he holds onto a standard pronoun. (AIs, of course, choose their pronoun – and while most go for gender-neutral, they're not obliged to.) But that got left out of the last round of panic edits.
Metric ordnance: I guess I got a bit carried away in my throw-physics-words-everywhere approach. The name, if you're interested, is a reference to the metric tensor in GR. Lord knows why I left a description of this so bare when I was being lavish elsewhere. Anyway, noted to be fixed.
The Teapot: Yeah, that changes material halfway through. It was porcelain originally. Then I realised, if jaunting breaks it, how could Ticktock have brought it in intact in the first place? Again, panic edits leading to inconsistencies.
So, time for my retrospective on Audit. I admit it got a better reception than I expected, but that only conforms that I have no idea how well my stories will perform. It also netted me my third "Most Controversial" badge ( :yay:) for original fiction, which seems to be a clue that my stories are either hit or miss, heavily depending on the reader.
I admit I thought at the beginning to use a classical setup of a Deal With the Devil, but then I decided against it. The reason came from the fact that the Devil's motivation is to screw one over, which means that hose kind of stories play out as one of the parties being tricked in some way. That was not what I wanted to tell. I wanted to tell a story about an amoral and inhuman immortal continuing his existence and upholding his part of the deal. So I thought about using some invented concept or some modern fictional entity, like a personification of Entropy. Those lacked the powerful baggage attached to mythological entities rooted in our culture (and despite it being not very famous, Zoroastrianism is very deeply embedded in our collective consciousness). So I went for a religion I knew a bit and with a couple of traits that matched my requirements. Angra Mainyu is an evil spirit without an interest in gaining souls (there's no eternal damnation, all souls will sooner or later be purified) and with the right mental attitude and the right interests in for being part of the deal.
The location I've chosen was Baku because it gave me the idea of being a city very much on the edge between ancient history and runaway modernity. It has a very peculiar atmosphere that matched quite well the tale I wanted to tell. It was also in the right part of the world to be a good anchor for the characters, so I went for that. With a bit of hindsight I can see how this should have been communicated better. The city should have been a character, but I missed to use it in any way that wasn't window dressing. So, my bad there.
As for the characters being inhuman, well, that was what I wanted. What I maybe missed instead was someone to give a human point of view or a comparison to the monstrosity. Maybe the waiter could have been that. This is probably the point I will mostly think about and see if I can or should improve here.
>>CoffeeMinion
While this idea is spectacular I see some logistical problems in documenting 9999 deaths on stone tablets. I should probably have been clearer on this point.
>>horizon
And the poor Yazidis have to still suffer under the consequences of, among a lot of other things, that piece of mythology.
I admit I thought at the beginning to use a classical setup of a Deal With the Devil, but then I decided against it. The reason came from the fact that the Devil's motivation is to screw one over, which means that hose kind of stories play out as one of the parties being tricked in some way. That was not what I wanted to tell. I wanted to tell a story about an amoral and inhuman immortal continuing his existence and upholding his part of the deal. So I thought about using some invented concept or some modern fictional entity, like a personification of Entropy. Those lacked the powerful baggage attached to mythological entities rooted in our culture (and despite it being not very famous, Zoroastrianism is very deeply embedded in our collective consciousness). So I went for a religion I knew a bit and with a couple of traits that matched my requirements. Angra Mainyu is an evil spirit without an interest in gaining souls (there's no eternal damnation, all souls will sooner or later be purified) and with the right mental attitude and the right interests in for being part of the deal.
The location I've chosen was Baku because it gave me the idea of being a city very much on the edge between ancient history and runaway modernity. It has a very peculiar atmosphere that matched quite well the tale I wanted to tell. It was also in the right part of the world to be a good anchor for the characters, so I went for that. With a bit of hindsight I can see how this should have been communicated better. The city should have been a character, but I missed to use it in any way that wasn't window dressing. So, my bad there.
As for the characters being inhuman, well, that was what I wanted. What I maybe missed instead was someone to give a human point of view or a comparison to the monstrosity. Maybe the waiter could have been that. This is probably the point I will mostly think about and see if I can or should improve here.
>>CoffeeMinion
Also... the tablets... given the kind of guys these appear to be, were some of them stone, or were all of them iPads? IMO this matters a lot; it'd be a beautiful, rich detail to have some be stone. (The one at the end definitely needs to be an iPad, but the rest...)
While this idea is spectacular I see some logistical problems in documenting 9999 deaths on stone tablets. I should probably have been clearer on this point.
>>horizon
Angra Mainyu chose to be evil: "It is not that I cannot create anything good, but that I will not." And to prove this, he created the peacock.
And the poor Yazidis have to still suffer under the consequences of, among a lot of other things, that piece of mythology.
Very quick because Bronycon, but ... uh, wow. I really wasn't expecting a medal this time around. And I do feel a little guilty about it and the "not original fiction" thing. It's not fanfiction exactly, because the Machine of Death is an idea rather than a canon, but it is a borrowed idea (which I tried, including with the title, to at least not hide), and this isn't the first time I've blurred the lines.
As I commented earlier, I tried writing other (wholly original) things, but on Sunday I had to pick something up from the burning tire fire of three wrecked stories, and this was the one I could save in the time remaining.
The prompt perhaps made it inevitable that I'd think of "The Machine Of Death". I didn't want to write something playing straight the idea of a machine that kills people, but the other interpretations all seemed like uncomfortable stretches. My second-best idea was to try wrapping something around the old Woody Guthrie "This Machine Kills Fascists" guitar but it wouldn't gel.
I wrote the final scene in the last ten minutes (and two of the overtime minutes before submissions close), so yeah, could definitely have done better. It would have been a much better story with my later suggestion about the poison, too, but ... the reason I wrote it the way I did is that having him actually take fate into his own hands and fulfill the prophecy himself at least felt less like fanfiction. TMOD stories are traditionally very big on the idea of immutable fate and the struggle against it and it's super common to see some sort of "clever" "subversion" that makes it happen despite everything the character attempts, and if I was going to steal the core TMOD idea I didn't want to also steal its most common story structure.
The idea that Tyrone could have broken his fate (through mere inaction!), but took deliberate effort to make the machine not wrong, was intended as a reflection of his reaction to how the machine had shaped his life -- that he was saying that in the face of the possibility that everything he'd shaped his life around being based on a lie, that in the end what he wanted was meaning. Kind of. I'm not explaining it very well even now; I'm not sure I understand it fully enough even now to put it into words simply, and that's probably a large part of why it didn't come through even a little in the final scene.
idk, I'm glad people think it touched on issues big enough to float toward the top. Even setting completely aside the fanfic/legitimacy debate, I definitely think there were half a dozen stories objectively better than it this round, but I can acknowledge I'm probably underrating my own stuff again.
See some of you at the con! (I've already met at least Haze, !Hat, Axis and TD, and possibly others I'm forgetting.) And see the rest of you in a week for the FIM short story.
As I commented earlier, I tried writing other (wholly original) things, but on Sunday I had to pick something up from the burning tire fire of three wrecked stories, and this was the one I could save in the time remaining.
The prompt perhaps made it inevitable that I'd think of "The Machine Of Death". I didn't want to write something playing straight the idea of a machine that kills people, but the other interpretations all seemed like uncomfortable stretches. My second-best idea was to try wrapping something around the old Woody Guthrie "This Machine Kills Fascists" guitar but it wouldn't gel.
I wrote the final scene in the last ten minutes (and two of the overtime minutes before submissions close), so yeah, could definitely have done better. It would have been a much better story with my later suggestion about the poison, too, but ... the reason I wrote it the way I did is that having him actually take fate into his own hands and fulfill the prophecy himself at least felt less like fanfiction. TMOD stories are traditionally very big on the idea of immutable fate and the struggle against it and it's super common to see some sort of "clever" "subversion" that makes it happen despite everything the character attempts, and if I was going to steal the core TMOD idea I didn't want to also steal its most common story structure.
The idea that Tyrone could have broken his fate (through mere inaction!), but took deliberate effort to make the machine not wrong, was intended as a reflection of his reaction to how the machine had shaped his life -- that he was saying that in the face of the possibility that everything he'd shaped his life around being based on a lie, that in the end what he wanted was meaning. Kind of. I'm not explaining it very well even now; I'm not sure I understand it fully enough even now to put it into words simply, and that's probably a large part of why it didn't come through even a little in the final scene.
idk, I'm glad people think it touched on issues big enough to float toward the top. Even setting completely aside the fanfic/legitimacy debate, I definitely think there were half a dozen stories objectively better than it this round, but I can acknowledge I'm probably underrating my own stuff again.
See some of you at the con! (I've already met at least Haze, !Hat, Axis and TD, and possibly others I'm forgetting.) And see the rest of you in a week for the FIM short story.