You've got:

The basics here, author, but it's a big subject--I mean, Brian Stableford's written six novels and several novellas about his "emortal society," and at least one of them deals extensively with recreational suicide.

For our purposes here, I'd suggest expanding references to the setting: I mean, all the high-tech the story relies on in order to work, and in the crucial scene at the end, our unnamed narrator is using a thumbdrive. The actions our characters take here need to stand out in contrast to the rest of the world--they're the oddballs, after all--so I need a better sense of what the rest of the world is like. For the results of 72 hours' work, though, this is a really good start.

Mike

Hmmm...

This is quite solid.

I feel that the first part - with the typewriter - is rather more disconnected, though. I end up wondering where it stands in relation to the ending, because it seems like there's a jump backwards after the office scene, but it never really seems to fall in with the rest of the story?

More than that, the pace in the first scene is fast. That's good; it hooked me in and got me going. But when it skipped backwards, it slowed down immensely, and nearly lost me again. Cutting off nearly all the stuff you'd built up to there made it difficult to keep engaged. Well, I'm tired and have a headache right now, too, so that might have something to do with it.

I appreciated the symbolism you used here, and the fact that you didn't play too heavy-handed in either direction. Having a message is nice. However, pointing the direction and letting people draw their own conclusions works in this situation very well also. Perhaps it lacks a bit of closure... but perhaps that's somewhat the point, as well.

Good work. I liked this one.

I'm doing a bonus review here because this is one of two stories that only has two reviews thus far.

Genre: Murderous super friends UNITE!

Thoughts: Woof, this is some twisted stuff up in here. I think that's rather the point, though, so I'll give it kudos for hitting the mark.

Others have mentioned that the typewriter scene feels disconnected from the rest. I'll echo that and expand on it. It's a scene that feels complete enough on its own that I expected the story to end right there. And as much as I hate to say this, I almost wish it had, because the world-building and sci-fi elements that were introduced afterwards felt heavy-handed, and explained away the brutality and impact of that scene.

You're never going to restore the emotional weight of a character's death once we know that death is meaningless. Unfortunately, from the first break onward, the story kinda devolves into the characters trying to one-up themselves in terms of edginess while engaging in telly explanations of what it all supposedly means. That's not the most intrinsically interesting way to keep a reader going, though I will say that the opening scene and subsequent quality of prose were strong enough to maintain my curiosity throughout.

However, it feels like there's an arbitrariness to two of the story's biggest transitions. First, we're told that the trio's friendship has shattered, but it didn't seem like there was much explanation as to why. I guess the typewriter scene must have really pissed everyone off? But what made that so special compared to other such murder-suicide get-togethers?

Second, there's the mysterious unseen "Memtim" entity, who conveniently delivers the program to let them start again right at the moment when their relationship is at its nadir. Or does he? I re-read the ending, and now I'm not sure if it's a separate entity at all, or maybe something like a virtual Dread Pirate Roberts title. Either way, the story could have been much clearer on those points.

In the end, I feel like there's a huge amount of potential here, but I think there are some things currently holding it back from fully achieving that.

Tier: Almost There

I will agree with the other reviewers that the first scene seems a bit disconnected from the rest. It has a good opening hook and the dialogue is interesting and fun, but, considering it is probably the inciting incident that activates another reset of the memories of the friends, it lacks poignancy.

The following scenes seem to be a natural escalation from one to the other (as far as natural escalation can be used here), which makes the difference with the opening a bit more jarring.

What I also missed was some indication on how the new Memitim program was triggered. I understood that it has been set-up by the characters as a way to re-live their friendship despite the tensions that tears it apart every time, but some indication on how it judged it would be time for another reset would have been nice.

Nice story, interesting take on the psychological side.effects of immortality, it only needs some polish here and there.

This definitely starts with a bang. Author, you sure know how to set a hook.

And while the rest of it never quite reaches the apex of that first casual murder (which is like saying that the rest of a roller-coaster ride never quite reaches the g-force of that first drop), it held me start to finish, and it both sets up some big ideas in the premise and tackles some big themes in the resolution.

The only thing keeping this from my top spot was that, for all that this kind of looped around on itself with the Memitim thing (nitty nitpick: I wonder if that should be a palindrome), that made it sort of ... disappointingly clean, and simultaneously weakened the way the story as a whole felt like it hung together. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's like ... that final twist implied that the narrator was basically setting up a time loop with the three of them, scrubbing their memories each time they had a falling out, which wraps everything back around on itself in a way that destroys the whole alpha-and-omega symbolism and unmoors the story. We no longer know how long this has been going on, which gives us a very different tragedy than the one the story so effectively sets up, and we have no context for the scope of that tragedy (other than perhaps the missing number of years), and suddenly the narrator's the actual villain because they're apparently the only one with agency in the cycle, destroying two other lives for their benefit. That's powerful, but unsatisfying. Maybe more Memitim foreshadowing would help? Maybe not.

Tier: Top Contender

Serial


I've at the end of the first conversation, and already the prose is bugging me. Okay, I get this is a talkie thing – at least to begin with – and we don't need a whole bunch of exposition. But there's almost nothing here. The repetition of simple, solitary actions become grating very quickly – characters smirk, wave their hands, grimace, etc.

The dialogue is far better. It deftly communicates a sense of character without becoming overbearing.

Suddenly, murder. Was wondering if something like that was going to happen. What follows it is rather more interesting, and effectively lays some seeds of mystery before cutting out at the right moment.

The following section is even better. Let it serve as a reminder that exposition can be a fantastic aid if done well. And this line, given the context: And he was vicious in rhetorically eviscerating those who possessed remarkable privilege and yet sought to claim the mantle of martyr for themselves. Haha!

We don't really need the lecture about crucifixion – not unless you want to make a stylistic point about the narrator's attitude to death by having him describe other methods. Also, “every nerve screamed in agony” strikes me as a clumsy construction.

Having reached the end and thought about it a bit, I think your general arc's good, but there's stuff missing. As I understand it, the nihilistic death-experience relationship with Jonas eventually sours, leading to the narrator's decision to reset everything again at the end. (Perhaps this should be clarified bit). That's a wonderfully nasty idea, but it only works as emotional progression if we see the relationship at its most successful, acting as a sort of attraction for the narrator. From the flashback onwards, it starts gloomy and ends gloomy, which mutes the blow of the ending.

I'm also left wondering what role Susan plays here. Apart from participating in some odd conversations and being all academic, she does very little but get pulled along in the wake of Jonas and the narrator. Remove her and your structure stays very much the same. So give her a part, or do that.

So, to echo many others at this late juncture, the opening scene in this is excellent. It really could almost stand on its own as a full story. Which is not to say that the rest is an afterthought, mind, just that it lacks some of the vibrancy that made the opening really pop. I felt like I had gotten whomped over the head by the time the first scene break was hit.

I found this tidbit to be especially clever: Jonas drained his glass of wine, then made a face. “It sure isn’t the alcohol. Are you trying to poison us with this shit? Talk about cliché.” On the first readthrough, there is absolutely nothing there to suggest that the mention of poison is anything other than hyperbole. The second time around, though, comes the realization that Jonas is completely serious about asking his host if there was anything more in the glass than alcohol.

For the amount of time provided in which to finish this, the end result is excellent. More detail on the world in which this takes place would be welcome, but what is here is surely enough to whet one's appetite. I took from this story the idea that it is about a group of highly intelligent, deeply troubled people who gained access to something that they once believed would allow them to circumnavigate their lives in new and profound ways. Now, though, the thrill of circumnavigation is gone, and they are simply going around in circles, with revivification only providing them a new manner in which (to bootjack a Pink Floyd lyric) to fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.

This is stark and glitteringly cruel. Please, I would like some more.

Thank you, author, for writing this.