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Woot! This is a good one. I like the fantasy multicultural society, and I love seeing the hazards of recovery from addiction portrayed from the perspective of a dragon, ordinarily among the most powerful creatures in fantasy literature. Thumbs way up, Author.
Small plaint: I’d suggest you choose a more creative name than Draconia, which seems a bit too obvious (unless you’re intending a reference I am not getting).
Small plaint: I’d suggest you choose a more creative name than Draconia, which seems a bit too obvious (unless you’re intending a reference I am not getting).
I love the way addiction is portrayed here. Giving a real-world problem a fantasy veneer is a good way to separate it enough from reality to help readers let go of preconceptions and see the emotions as the author would have them be seen, rather than through the lense of our society's collective understanding of what this-or-that "should" look/feel like. It's a charming story which doesn't try to get too dark and depressing despite its subject matter, and I think that's in its favor; you could've easily played up the war angle, shown less draconic flailing and more draconic despair, etc., but instead the story stays basically character-centric and optimistic at its core. I like it.
One struggle I had early on was with the inconsistent body nomenclature; it took me a while to figure out that this was just a dragon, and not either a human dreaming of being a dragon, or a dragon in a human's body. Going back and forth with hands vs. claws was the culprit; I'd recommend standardizing to unambiguously non-human language. Beyond that though, good stuff.
One struggle I had early on was with the inconsistent body nomenclature; it took me a while to figure out that this was just a dragon, and not either a human dreaming of being a dragon, or a dragon in a human's body. Going back and forth with hands vs. claws was the culprit; I'd recommend standardizing to unambiguously non-human language. Beyond that though, good stuff.
I want to believe all animals remain the sime size as their Earth counterparts, if only because the thought of a little bird hugging a dragon is both adorably heart-warming and somewhat laugh-inducing.
You know, I can't help but see the point President Leon may have. Even the purest and most-well intentioned dragons are still dragons equipped with a flame thrower, and considering the current state of affairs and the tension some of the civilians may feel, it's not an easy decision to make.
But I digress, this was a solid story and I was engaged all the way through. I'll repeat what has been said about the intro felling a bit confusing, but otherwise good job.
You know, I can't help but see the point President Leon may have. Even the purest and most-well intentioned dragons are still dragons equipped with a flame thrower, and considering the current state of affairs and the tension some of the civilians may feel, it's not an easy decision to make.
But I digress, this was a solid story and I was engaged all the way through. I'll repeat what has been said about the intro felling a bit confusing, but otherwise good job.
Time for a review.
First let's be honest, that story hit me and it hit me hard. The subtlety of the dialog between Kori and Regan was brilliant. The description of Regan trying to fight his greed at the end was amazing. It's hard to say everything that came through my mind while I was reading it but, god I loved it.
For the nitpicking part, I'll just echo the others. The beginning wasn't that engaging. I didn't really care about what was happening before the shower scene. From that point I was getting more and more engaged. And the ending was satisfying as hell. Regan will still have hard times with the withdrawal but he's not alone and he will keep on fighting it. That's hope in the face. Damn.
First let's be honest, that story hit me and it hit me hard. The subtlety of the dialog between Kori and Regan was brilliant. The description of Regan trying to fight his greed at the end was amazing. It's hard to say everything that came through my mind while I was reading it but, god I loved it.
For the nitpicking part, I'll just echo the others. The beginning wasn't that engaging. I didn't really care about what was happening before the shower scene. From that point I was getting more and more engaged. And the ending was satisfying as hell. Regan will still have hard times with the withdrawal but he's not alone and he will keep on fighting it. That's hope in the face. Damn.
Nice title. :P
I didn't catch on to him actually literally being a dragon until Kori showed up, at which point it was obvious that there was a real thread of fantasy in here, and not just some sort of strange (possibly drug-induced) hallucinations. I'd suggest a different, clearly external element of fantasy sooner (something about Draconia?) so it's more obvious something's AU sooner.
'misshapen patina' caught me out; patina is a pattern or color (specifically a surface thing caused by aging) so giving it a shape was weird to me.
The porcelain bathtub seemed really anachronistic to me for some reason. And most of those 'porcelain tubs' are actually enameled steel, which... doesn't actually make the bit about the porcelain embracing him wrong, but yeah.
I was surprised that Kori wasn't actually a social worker. For some reason I expected taking care of Regan to be his actual job, so when he had to leave for work I was like 'what'?
I'm really curious as to why hoarding is such a bad thing. Resisting it is obviously painful, but I'd like some indication of how surrendering would hurt him, and why Regan's so desperate to avoid that. I mean, he's apparently all right with paying for stuff, but he won't accept change? I dunno, it just felt a bit off to me.
Other than these nitpicks, this was quite good. There's a great depth of emotion here, and the whole thing coheres very strongly around the central themes. Excellent work all around; thanks for writing and sharing.
I didn't catch on to him actually literally being a dragon until Kori showed up, at which point it was obvious that there was a real thread of fantasy in here, and not just some sort of strange (possibly drug-induced) hallucinations. I'd suggest a different, clearly external element of fantasy sooner (something about Draconia?) so it's more obvious something's AU sooner.
'misshapen patina' caught me out; patina is a pattern or color (specifically a surface thing caused by aging) so giving it a shape was weird to me.
The porcelain bathtub seemed really anachronistic to me for some reason. And most of those 'porcelain tubs' are actually enameled steel, which... doesn't actually make the bit about the porcelain embracing him wrong, but yeah.
I was surprised that Kori wasn't actually a social worker. For some reason I expected taking care of Regan to be his actual job, so when he had to leave for work I was like 'what'?
I'm really curious as to why hoarding is such a bad thing. Resisting it is obviously painful, but I'd like some indication of how surrendering would hurt him, and why Regan's so desperate to avoid that. I mean, he's apparently all right with paying for stuff, but he won't accept change? I dunno, it just felt a bit off to me.
Other than these nitpicks, this was quite good. There's a great depth of emotion here, and the whole thing coheres very strongly around the central themes. Excellent work all around; thanks for writing and sharing.
Alright, time to pick my half-finished slate back up …
Very nicely done! This was a surprisingly compelling read given how little actually happens. The stakes of Regan's struggle feel large despite the small scale of the storytelling and the repetitiveness of the core problem.
Even though it didn't personally trip me up, I agree with previous commenters that the anatomy could use touching up. I'm pretty sure the reason it didn't bother me was that I interpreted the second paragraph:
… as the narrator's sense impression of the physical world outside the dream (rather than the lines blurring), and once I assumed Regan had claws, I was able to assume "hand" was a generic descriptor in a non-human context. However, I wouldn't rely on other readers drawing that distinction, because as a longtime furry I'm conditioned that way. The mythological reframing of addiction is great though, and I love the flight scene.
Am I the only one who's getting vibes that Regan and Kori are a little more than housemates? ("My very best friend." – Bon Bon) They seem oddly comfortable with physical touch, and Kori's putting forward a hell of a lot of effort as a "visa sponsor" for a recovering addict. I'm honestly trying to figure out whether I like the story better with or without headcanoning that, because it does inject an odd element of unreliable narration into Regan's voice. Actually, come to think of it, it seems like there are a couple of odd inconsistencies that back up Regan as unreliable narrator — primarily Regan's description of the anti-Draconian slogan as "blood libel" when in the first scene we watch him basically go feral, about to rip his laundry hamper apart. Author, if that wasn't intentional, you probably want to walk back the early relapse a bit.
The one structural issue that bugged me is that, despite how central Kori is throughout the story, he completely vanishes for the last scene. It feels odd for Regan to solve the problem on his own. Satisfying, yes, and thematically appropriate, but it feels like it turns Kori into an unfired Chekhov's Gun. (Or maybe I just want to see his reaction to his very. best. friend's breakthrough.) You had plenty of wordcount left to slip in another scene or two, author; after the competition you might consider expanding this a bit to bookend it properly. Though if you do, I think Regan's final realization and success is exactly where you want your story to end, so you'd have to juggle the narrative elements a bit.
I think you mean the "kaf" that cost Regan 4.95dollars "sterling" in United States of America "Pangaean Sapient Union" money. :P
Still, nitpicks aside, overall I have to echo other readers' praise — against competition like this and Agent of a Foreign Power, no wonder I keep writing at the top of my game and getting bronze.
Tier: Top Contender
Very nicely done! This was a surprisingly compelling read given how little actually happens. The stakes of Regan's struggle feel large despite the small scale of the storytelling and the repetitiveness of the core problem.
Even though it didn't personally trip me up, I agree with previous commenters that the anatomy could use touching up. I'm pretty sure the reason it didn't bother me was that I interpreted the second paragraph:
—and my eyes crack open as my claws catch on the mattress springs.
… as the narrator's sense impression of the physical world outside the dream (rather than the lines blurring), and once I assumed Regan had claws, I was able to assume "hand" was a generic descriptor in a non-human context. However, I wouldn't rely on other readers drawing that distinction, because as a longtime furry I'm conditioned that way. The mythological reframing of addiction is great though, and I love the flight scene.
Am I the only one who's getting vibes that Regan and Kori are a little more than housemates? ("My very best friend." – Bon Bon) They seem oddly comfortable with physical touch, and Kori's putting forward a hell of a lot of effort as a "visa sponsor" for a recovering addict. I'm honestly trying to figure out whether I like the story better with or without headcanoning that, because it does inject an odd element of unreliable narration into Regan's voice. Actually, come to think of it, it seems like there are a couple of odd inconsistencies that back up Regan as unreliable narrator — primarily Regan's description of the anti-Draconian slogan as "blood libel" when in the first scene we watch him basically go feral, about to rip his laundry hamper apart. Author, if that wasn't intentional, you probably want to walk back the early relapse a bit.
The one structural issue that bugged me is that, despite how central Kori is throughout the story, he completely vanishes for the last scene. It feels odd for Regan to solve the problem on his own. Satisfying, yes, and thematically appropriate, but it feels like it turns Kori into an unfired Chekhov's Gun. (Or maybe I just want to see his reaction to his very. best. friend's breakthrough.) You had plenty of wordcount left to slip in another scene or two, author; after the competition you might consider expanding this a bit to bookend it properly. Though if you do, I think Regan's final realization and success is exactly where you want your story to end, so you'd have to juggle the narrative elements a bit.
There's an empty booth for me to sit in. I've got coffee coming.
I think you mean the "kaf" that cost Regan 4.95
Still, nitpicks aside, overall I have to echo other readers' praise — against competition like this and Agent of a Foreign Power, no wonder I keep writing at the top of my game and getting bronze.
Tier: Top Contender
I really like the way you portrayed his addiction in this one, it definitely felt real. It could use some minor editing, but otherwise, this is great. Let's see if you can keep your high spot as I read the rest of these.
>>QuillScratch
>>Not_A_Hat
Awesome! I'll look forward to hearing that after the fact, then.
(now, make sure you guys talk about my fic :B)
>>Ritsuko
If you're talking about my criticism of the opening's language, then perhaps I wasn't clear what bothered me. It was plain that the character was waking up from a dream. What I wasn't clear on for (in my mind) an excessive length of time was whether the character was a human dreaming he was a dragon, a dragon trapped in a human's body dreaming about his former life, or (as turned out to be the case) actually a straight-up dragon. The structure of the dream and his waking up I take no issue with; just the mixed use of "hands" and "claws."
>>Not_A_Hat
Awesome! I'll look forward to hearing that after the fact, then.
(now, make sure you guys talk about my fic :B)
>>Ritsuko
If you're talking about my criticism of the opening's language, then perhaps I wasn't clear what bothered me. It was plain that the character was waking up from a dream. What I wasn't clear on for (in my mind) an excessive length of time was whether the character was a human dreaming he was a dragon, a dragon trapped in a human's body dreaming about his former life, or (as turned out to be the case) actually a straight-up dragon. The structure of the dream and his waking up I take no issue with; just the mixed use of "hands" and "claws."
Prose here just did not work for me, and I found myself wishing that sentences and paragraphs would just end. Just far, far, far, far too many words for a lot of things for me. While the deeper and more elaborate detailing was used to great effect sometimes (dragging the bowl across the tabletop, for example), for the most part it just left me wanting to skim. I get the idea of it being a character exploration and their deep reaction to things, but I just didn't engage well with it.
I also got a little lost and what level of anthro we're at here, which is a bit disorienting.
The double word tic was not something that particularly resonated well with me.
That said, the core idea is great and it grapples with its character's primary conflict quite well. At the same time, I feel it just sort of loses itself and meanders far too much to be really and really compelling to me.
I also got a little lost and what level of anthro we're at here, which is a bit disorienting.
The double word tic was not something that particularly resonated well with me.
That said, the core idea is great and it grapples with its character's primary conflict quite well. At the same time, I feel it just sort of loses itself and meanders far too much to be really and really compelling to me.
Yeah, I can dig this, pretty strong emotive content. The core issue is handled well and fairly sensitively (with one exception, below) and does a good job of making me sympathetic to and interested in Regan. Some issues, though.
The thin veneer between this world and our own is sometimes a little too thin. Making it so similar, and even slipping on the terms sometimes (coffee) ensures the reader will be taking this allegorically. That's not good in combination with the presentation of the hoard instinct as something that actually is inherent to being a dragon. We're meant to be saddened by the racism Regan faces, but then the racism kind of gets justified. Dragons really do want your coins, and always will, and while killing for copper might be a racist distortion, there really is a nation full of dragons fixing to invade not-Zootopia for their shinies. The implications are very unfortunate.
The characters are a little flat on close examination. They don't seem flat at first glance, because the prose and dialogue are strong enough to carry the story, but when you stop and think about it, there's not much there.
Kori is the absolute perfect friend: eternally patient, completely selfless, rational, talks like a professional therapist (and better than most, even,) always knows exactly the right thing to say, puts Regan up, skips work for them, gets them a visa, doesn't mind property destruction... even if they are in a relationship, that's a lot. As someone who's struggled with similar mental health issues myself, it doesn't ring very true. Nobody that good at caregiving actually exists, and if they did recovery wouldn't be nearly as hard as it is. (Or maybe I'm just that unlucky? :( Also, did we ever get a gender for Regan?)
Conversely, holy carpfish, Food Stand Jack is the most tremendously over the top bigot I can recall in a piece this serious. In another entry this round, there's Mr. Beaumont, a 1920s business who is so racist that he's literally handpicked by Satan Himself, who appears to him in the form of a Jewish man to taunt him with just how bigoted he is. But I think Mr. Beaumont would at least have the self-respect to cook the nuts if you paid him the 20 bucks.
So. How would I improve this? I'm not sure what to do about the racism, that's a tough one and kind of endemic to doing anthros with "instincts" of any sort. I'd definitely work on the characters a bit more, though. Tone down the Jack, humanize Kori, and show another facet or two of Regan. The wording everywhere could probably be pared down, it didn't bother me because the writing was light enough to skim non-important paragraphs, but definitely something to work on in the future.
Overall, the emotional evocation is there, but it also feels a bit unearned by going for such a sensitive subject. Props for not trainwrecking with it though, and by and large it meets what it wants to accomplish. Good stuff, thanks for writing!
The thin veneer between this world and our own is sometimes a little too thin. Making it so similar, and even slipping on the terms sometimes (coffee) ensures the reader will be taking this allegorically. That's not good in combination with the presentation of the hoard instinct as something that actually is inherent to being a dragon. We're meant to be saddened by the racism Regan faces, but then the racism kind of gets justified. Dragons really do want your coins, and always will, and while killing for copper might be a racist distortion, there really is a nation full of dragons fixing to invade not-Zootopia for their shinies. The implications are very unfortunate.
The characters are a little flat on close examination. They don't seem flat at first glance, because the prose and dialogue are strong enough to carry the story, but when you stop and think about it, there's not much there.
Kori is the absolute perfect friend: eternally patient, completely selfless, rational, talks like a professional therapist (and better than most, even,) always knows exactly the right thing to say, puts Regan up, skips work for them, gets them a visa, doesn't mind property destruction... even if they are in a relationship, that's a lot. As someone who's struggled with similar mental health issues myself, it doesn't ring very true. Nobody that good at caregiving actually exists, and if they did recovery wouldn't be nearly as hard as it is. (Or maybe I'm just that unlucky? :( Also, did we ever get a gender for Regan?)
Conversely, holy carpfish, Food Stand Jack is the most tremendously over the top bigot I can recall in a piece this serious. In another entry this round, there's Mr. Beaumont, a 1920s business who is so racist that he's literally handpicked by Satan Himself, who appears to him in the form of a Jewish man to taunt him with just how bigoted he is. But I think Mr. Beaumont would at least have the self-respect to cook the nuts if you paid him the 20 bucks.
So. How would I improve this? I'm not sure what to do about the racism, that's a tough one and kind of endemic to doing anthros with "instincts" of any sort. I'd definitely work on the characters a bit more, though. Tone down the Jack, humanize Kori, and show another facet or two of Regan. The wording everywhere could probably be pared down, it didn't bother me because the writing was light enough to skim non-important paragraphs, but definitely something to work on in the future.
Overall, the emotional evocation is there, but it also feels a bit unearned by going for such a sensitive subject. Props for not trainwrecking with it though, and by and large it meets what it wants to accomplish. Good stuff, thanks for writing!
I have to agree with Andrew here. The prose is lush but sometimes goes over the top. The flight passage, for example, is way too stretched for me.
And I wonder if this is not Cold’s story, given he already wrote something of the same ilk in the last MLP minific round.
I’m not really enraptured by the setup. I don't see the point of using fantasy creatures whereas you could've written an excellent story “in the real world”; that setup adds few, if anything, to the story, and for me it even detracted from it. It's too thinly veiled to be actually of value.
Otherwise it speaks of things totally alien to me, so I have no clue as to what's portrayed here is true to fact or just a wild guess. This, combined with the artificial setup, stymied my involvement: I can formally grasp the inner battle of the dragon, but can't really say I can grok it. It remains intellectual, doesn't grip my guts. The inherent racism turns out to be the most perceptible aspect, which is prolly not what you intended.
That being said, best story I've read so far, so TomS.
And I wonder if this is not Cold’s story, given he already wrote something of the same ilk in the last MLP minific round.
I’m not really enraptured by the setup. I don't see the point of using fantasy creatures whereas you could've written an excellent story “in the real world”; that setup adds few, if anything, to the story, and for me it even detracted from it. It's too thinly veiled to be actually of value.
Otherwise it speaks of things totally alien to me, so I have no clue as to what's portrayed here is true to fact or just a wild guess. This, combined with the artificial setup, stymied my involvement: I can formally grasp the inner battle of the dragon, but can't really say I can grok it. It remains intellectual, doesn't grip my guts. The inherent racism turns out to be the most perceptible aspect, which is prolly not what you intended.
That being said, best story I've read so far, so TomS.
Oh, bravo.
The opening was a lot of confusing at first, with me trying to take in the myriad of strange combinations, but once it settled into its stride this story proved to be solid. A strong depiction of withdrawal, a fascinating new world to explore and understand, great message of survival and growth. I am immensely satisfied and think I have a new favorite.
Some criticisms. I agree with some previous commenters that a few of the scenes felt... overdone? Like the flight. It's great to have a visual angle to things, but it's another thing entirely to spend so much time on a subject it becomes uninteresting. There were a couple times where I jumped to the end of a paragraph because I realized there wasn't anything 'story' to be had in it.
I also found the mention of highways and vehicles... curious. So we're in a world of animals of indeterminable anthropomorphic qualities that has reached a modern level of technology? I think seeing these things a lot closer and in more detail would have helped us grasp how things work. You've conjured up an entirely new universe, but it feels as though you've either not considered the details of how their society works or – worse – consciously decided to ignore it. The inner workings that keep this kind of all-inclusive civilization from tearing itself apart would have given this all a far greater interest.
It also would have taken away from the dominant point of addiction withdrawal, which lends credence to >>Ranmilia's notes about having this story set in an animal-based world in the first place.
But those are the only things that really bugged me, and they're more nitpicks than anything else. I expect this one to rank highly in the end.
The opening was a lot of confusing at first, with me trying to take in the myriad of strange combinations, but once it settled into its stride this story proved to be solid. A strong depiction of withdrawal, a fascinating new world to explore and understand, great message of survival and growth. I am immensely satisfied and think I have a new favorite.
Some criticisms. I agree with some previous commenters that a few of the scenes felt... overdone? Like the flight. It's great to have a visual angle to things, but it's another thing entirely to spend so much time on a subject it becomes uninteresting. There were a couple times where I jumped to the end of a paragraph because I realized there wasn't anything 'story' to be had in it.
I also found the mention of highways and vehicles... curious. So we're in a world of animals of indeterminable anthropomorphic qualities that has reached a modern level of technology? I think seeing these things a lot closer and in more detail would have helped us grasp how things work. You've conjured up an entirely new universe, but it feels as though you've either not considered the details of how their society works or – worse – consciously decided to ignore it. The inner workings that keep this kind of all-inclusive civilization from tearing itself apart would have given this all a far greater interest.
It also would have taken away from the dominant point of addiction withdrawal, which lends credence to >>Ranmilia's notes about having this story set in an animal-based world in the first place.
But those are the only things that really bugged me, and they're more nitpicks than anything else. I expect this one to rank highly in the end.
Some pretty nice imagery here, and I really like the way the protagonist sees coins everywhere.
My only problem, and it didn't even occur to me until the next morning after I'd read it, was that I don't really see why this story about overcoming addiction is set in a fantasy world with dragons.
Normally when we use fantasy to explore a familiar theme, it's because the elements of fantasy let us address a topic in ways that a more true-to-life telling couldn't. Animal Farm, for instance, or The Lord of the Rings. George Orwell is able to condense the horrific march of totalitarianism into a compact fable, and Tolkien was able to render a world-spanning conflict of good against evil as an allegory for the two World Wars he had lived through.
But Chasing the Dragon? All I'm seeing is a story about addiction, but with dragons (and other fantastic creatures) instead of humans. I don't understand why the elements of fantasy have been introduced, except as a way for the author to make the story different from all the other stories about addiction we've read. I mean, replace 'coins' with 'heroin' and there's not much in this story that couldn't be set in Scranton.
Author, when you revise this, find some way to make the fantasy revelatory to our ideas about addiction. It should be clear to the reader why you've chosen a fantasy motif to address a real-world problem.
Edit: In case that sounds too harsh, this fic is currently sitting in my top three.
My only problem, and it didn't even occur to me until the next morning after I'd read it, was that I don't really see why this story about overcoming addiction is set in a fantasy world with dragons.
Normally when we use fantasy to explore a familiar theme, it's because the elements of fantasy let us address a topic in ways that a more true-to-life telling couldn't. Animal Farm, for instance, or The Lord of the Rings. George Orwell is able to condense the horrific march of totalitarianism into a compact fable, and Tolkien was able to render a world-spanning conflict of good against evil as an allegory for the two World Wars he had lived through.
But Chasing the Dragon? All I'm seeing is a story about addiction, but with dragons (and other fantastic creatures) instead of humans. I don't understand why the elements of fantasy have been introduced, except as a way for the author to make the story different from all the other stories about addiction we've read. I mean, replace 'coins' with 'heroin' and there's not much in this story that couldn't be set in Scranton.
Author, when you revise this, find some way to make the fantasy revelatory to our ideas about addiction. It should be clear to the reader why you've chosen a fantasy motif to address a real-world problem.
Edit: In case that sounds too harsh, this fic is currently sitting in my top three.
I wanted to post my review of this story along with a few other reviews, but I'm finding that on every other story I'm reading I don't have anything particularly interesting to add to the discussion. So I guess I'll just throw my thoughts here?
I had the same struggle at the start of this piece as >>Chris did. There are some tells near the start that really seem to hammer home the idea that this might be a human-bodied character, most notably this transition:
The idea of disorientation, of being half-in and half-out of the dream, seems really strongly enforced by the switching of the expected order of "hand(s)" and "claw(s)", which in turn implies that there is a significant difference between the body parts in the dream and in reality (and it certainly doesn't help that the very next time that body part is mentioned, the choice is "hand".) I was incredibly enthused by that transition when I first read it (actually, the whole few paragraphs are phenomenally disorienting in just the right way), but I think I am a little less so now. This wasn't really the story that the transition implies, and because I spent so long expecting a different story, I found myself not fully committed to the fantasy interpretation, which certainly weakened the impact of this story for me.
It's a testament to this story's strength, then, that I was moved beyond words by it.
This was a beautiful and surprisingly personal piece, that kept its focus throughout without wavering. It explores a difficult topic in a rich, exciting world, and always remains caring, gentle, and—most importantly—supportive in its tone. This was the first story I read this round, and it has remained at the top of my slate ever since. Thank you, author.
HHOOOORRRRRSSSSSEEEE
Tier: Top Contender
>>Cold in Gardez
I think the choice of setting, and particularly the choice of dragons, allows the author to make a comment on the nature of addiction as a part of the human condition effortlessly, while the same comments made in a human story would probably come across a little more bluntly. We just accept that the need to hoard is a natural part of what it means to be a dragon when reading this story, which is not something we would necessarily do for a human character dealing with a human addiction. But that's kinda tenuous, and I'm not convinced it was what the author was going for, so I think I agree with you on this.
I had the same struggle at the start of this piece as >>Chris did. There are some tells near the start that really seem to hammer home the idea that this might be a human-bodied character, most notably this transition:
I dig a hand into the pile to heft my riches
—and my eyes crack open as my claws catch on the mattress springs.
I'm disoriented for a moment, still half in the dream.
The idea of disorientation, of being half-in and half-out of the dream, seems really strongly enforced by the switching of the expected order of "hand(s)" and "claw(s)", which in turn implies that there is a significant difference between the body parts in the dream and in reality (and it certainly doesn't help that the very next time that body part is mentioned, the choice is "hand".) I was incredibly enthused by that transition when I first read it (actually, the whole few paragraphs are phenomenally disorienting in just the right way), but I think I am a little less so now. This wasn't really the story that the transition implies, and because I spent so long expecting a different story, I found myself not fully committed to the fantasy interpretation, which certainly weakened the impact of this story for me.
It's a testament to this story's strength, then, that I was moved beyond words by it.
This was a beautiful and surprisingly personal piece, that kept its focus throughout without wavering. It explores a difficult topic in a rich, exciting world, and always remains caring, gentle, and—most importantly—supportive in its tone. This was the first story I read this round, and it has remained at the top of my slate ever since. Thank you, author.
HHOOOORRRRRSSSSSEEEE
Tier: Top Contender
>>Cold in Gardez
I think the choice of setting, and particularly the choice of dragons, allows the author to make a comment on the nature of addiction as a part of the human condition effortlessly, while the same comments made in a human story would probably come across a little more bluntly. We just accept that the need to hoard is a natural part of what it means to be a dragon when reading this story, which is not something we would necessarily do for a human character dealing with a human addiction. But that's kinda tenuous, and I'm not convinced it was what the author was going for, so I think I agree with you on this.
Congratulations to Numbers and CiG for their medals — and to everyone who participated this round! Original Fiction competitions, especially short-story rounds, are Writeoff Hard Mode™, and I sincerely believe that the act of throwing your hat (or not-a-hat) in the ring counts as some kind of win.
It's easy to look at how far your story falls short and get discouraged. Don't. We're juggling so many more balls in the Original Fiction rounds than we are in the fanfic rounds -- with the benefit of twelve OF rounds under my belt, I speak from experience when I say that it's basically a given that the finished products will have issues. (This especially applies to every one of my own medalists. No, seriously, go back and read the comments. Or just glance up the page.)
Chasing the Dragon: A Brief Retrospective
I'm surprised more people didn't guess me for this, especially after all the joking in chat about how blindingly obvious it was that the dragon wrote the story about hoarding. Double especially after I submitted a 5000-word anthro tale immediately after plugging a furry Original Fiction anthology in my FIMFic blog. I guess that fake review threw people off the track. :yay:
So, in short, this was written simultaneously to two prompts: "Staring into the Abyss" for the Writeoffs, and the Tarot card "Strength" with an eye toward post-Writeoff submission to the Arcana anthology. What came out of that was a story about addiction. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my primary source on that was having recently watched Season 1 of "Elementary", but given the relative lack of critique on the depiction of addiction (and >>Ranmilia's informed opinion that I didn't trainwreck with it) I'll take that as a win.
I'm definitely grateful for the informed perspective, Ranmilia. I'm toning down Kori's dialogue somewhat in hopes of bringing him more into the realm of believable — although him toeing the line of perfect is ultimately by design, since for the anthology I'm explicitly shooting for an examination of Strength, and I'm trying to invoke an archetype with him even as I'm trying to paint him as a character.
Does it make a difference that this is explicitly set during the countdown to war with a country full of dragons? In my head, he's not normally that bad, but when people get riled up by the zeitgeist they can get ugly. (This *cough* may have been informed by the horror with which I watch current events.)
I can agree with both halves of this, especially the point about it being endemic to the choice of backdrop. I'm sure there's a dialogue to be opened there about the idea of essentialism and its unfortunate allegorical links to modern human life. (It's more complexly problematic than I think it often gets credit for; while it's used as a dangerous cudgel against a number of minority groups, there are also areas such as sexual and gender identity where it's used as an affirmative basis for progress, which I think as an abstract approach is not ideal but at the same time I don't want to harm people by declaring it a blanket wrong.) The one thing that surprised me a little was having the critique come up in a group that essentially is a My Little Pony writing group which has turned its focus outward. Given how insanely deep essentialism is baked into Equestrian life (let's start with cutie marks and move on to names from there ...) I honestly would have figured that was something in our collective blind spots.
Speaking somewhat of which, there was a bit of an interesting split among commenters on the anthro angle:
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Monokeras
vs.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Chris
(Edit: And >>QuillScratch)
As much as I'd love to say that my choice was driven by the latter arguments, or to open up a conversation about defending them ... the truth is that I wrote this as a furry story because I'm going to submit it to a furry anthology. ¯\_ツ_/¯ If I had to rewrite it from scratch I would still probably do it this way, because I side most closely with Chris, but that's not something that's going to change, due to the story's intended audience.
That ties a little bit into the confusing opening which basically everyone commented on. I didn't think it was going to be an issue because I was thinking in the context of the furry anthology I'm submitting to. Arguably, it might not be when I push it at the target audience. However, I think the wisdom of crowds is onto something here, so I've wiped out "hands" and redone all the terminology. I'm really not sure what else I can do to effectively smooth out the opening, but I'll try to at least trim it down to get quicker to the shower scene where the story takes off.
>>AndrewRogue >>PaulAsaran
Sorry about the prose density. It didn't seem like a common complaint, so I'm trying to figure out if this is a matter of reading tastes or whether I did just overwrite sections/the whole thing. Aside from the flight scene, were there other segments or lines or quotes which stood out? Within the flight scene, what rubbed you the wrong way the most?
>>Not_A_Hat
Thank you for the specific nitpicks.
>>Zaid Val'Roa >>Fenton >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Ritsuko >>georg >>QuillScratch
Even if I'm not responding specifically to your criticisms, I appreciate that you offered your feedback, and I'm incorporating what I usefully can.
Thank you all for reading, and see you next round!
It's easy to look at how far your story falls short and get discouraged. Don't. We're juggling so many more balls in the Original Fiction rounds than we are in the fanfic rounds -- with the benefit of twelve OF rounds under my belt, I speak from experience when I say that it's basically a given that the finished products will have issues. (This especially applies to every one of my own medalists. No, seriously, go back and read the comments. Or just glance up the page.)
Chasing the Dragon: A Brief Retrospective
I'm surprised more people didn't guess me for this, especially after all the joking in chat about how blindingly obvious it was that the dragon wrote the story about hoarding. Double especially after I submitted a 5000-word anthro tale immediately after plugging a furry Original Fiction anthology in my FIMFic blog. I guess that fake review threw people off the track. :yay:
So, in short, this was written simultaneously to two prompts: "Staring into the Abyss" for the Writeoffs, and the Tarot card "Strength" with an eye toward post-Writeoff submission to the Arcana anthology. What came out of that was a story about addiction. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that my primary source on that was having recently watched Season 1 of "Elementary", but given the relative lack of critique on the depiction of addiction (and >>Ranmilia's informed opinion that I didn't trainwreck with it) I'll take that as a win.
I'm definitely grateful for the informed perspective, Ranmilia. I'm toning down Kori's dialogue somewhat in hopes of bringing him more into the realm of believable — although him toeing the line of perfect is ultimately by design, since for the anthology I'm explicitly shooting for an examination of Strength, and I'm trying to invoke an archetype with him even as I'm trying to paint him as a character.
I think Mr. Beaumont would at least have the self-respect to cook the nuts if you paid him the 20 bucks.
Does it make a difference that this is explicitly set during the countdown to war with a country full of dragons? In my head, he's not normally that bad, but when people get riled up by the zeitgeist they can get ugly. (This *cough* may have been informed by the horror with which I watch current events.)
Dragons really do want your coins, and always will, and while killing for copper might be a racist distortion, there really is a nation full of dragons fixing to invade not-Zootopia for their shinies. The implications are very unfortunate.
...
I'm not sure what to do about the racism, that's a tough one and kind of endemic to doing anthros with "instincts" of any sort.
I can agree with both halves of this, especially the point about it being endemic to the choice of backdrop. I'm sure there's a dialogue to be opened there about the idea of essentialism and its unfortunate allegorical links to modern human life. (It's more complexly problematic than I think it often gets credit for; while it's used as a dangerous cudgel against a number of minority groups, there are also areas such as sexual and gender identity where it's used as an affirmative basis for progress, which I think as an abstract approach is not ideal but at the same time I don't want to harm people by declaring it a blanket wrong.) The one thing that surprised me a little was having the critique come up in a group that essentially is a My Little Pony writing group which has turned its focus outward. Given how insanely deep essentialism is baked into Equestrian life (let's start with cutie marks and move on to names from there ...) I honestly would have figured that was something in our collective blind spots.
Speaking somewhat of which, there was a bit of an interesting split among commenters on the anthro angle:
>>Cold in Gardez
I don't understand why the elements of fantasy have been introduced, except as a way for the author to make the story different from all the other stories about addiction we've read. I mean, replace 'coins' with 'heroin' and there's not much in this story that couldn't be set in Scranton.
>>Monokeras
I don't see the point of using fantasy creatures whereas you could've written an excellent story “in the real world”; that setup adds few, if anything, to the story, and for me it even detracted from it. It's too thinly veiled to be actually of value.
vs.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I love seeing the hazards of recovery from addiction portrayed from the perspective of a dragon, ordinarily among the most powerful creatures in fantasy literature.
>>Chris
Giving a real-world problem a fantasy veneer is a good way to separate it enough from reality to help readers let go of preconceptions and see the emotions as the author would have them be seen, rather than through the lense of our society's collective understanding of what this-or-that "should" look/feel like.
(Edit: And >>QuillScratch)
We just accept that the need to hoard is a natural part of what it means to be a dragon when reading this story, which is not something we would necessarily do for a human character dealing with a human addiction.
As much as I'd love to say that my choice was driven by the latter arguments, or to open up a conversation about defending them ... the truth is that I wrote this as a furry story because I'm going to submit it to a furry anthology. ¯\_ツ_/¯ If I had to rewrite it from scratch I would still probably do it this way, because I side most closely with Chris, but that's not something that's going to change, due to the story's intended audience.
That ties a little bit into the confusing opening which basically everyone commented on. I didn't think it was going to be an issue because I was thinking in the context of the furry anthology I'm submitting to. Arguably, it might not be when I push it at the target audience. However, I think the wisdom of crowds is onto something here, so I've wiped out "hands" and redone all the terminology. I'm really not sure what else I can do to effectively smooth out the opening, but I'll try to at least trim it down to get quicker to the shower scene where the story takes off.
>>AndrewRogue >>PaulAsaran
Sorry about the prose density. It didn't seem like a common complaint, so I'm trying to figure out if this is a matter of reading tastes or whether I did just overwrite sections/the whole thing. Aside from the flight scene, were there other segments or lines or quotes which stood out? Within the flight scene, what rubbed you the wrong way the most?
>>Not_A_Hat
Thank you for the specific nitpicks.
>>Zaid Val'Roa >>Fenton >>MLPmatthewl419 >>Ritsuko >>georg >>QuillScratch
Even if I'm not responding specifically to your criticisms, I appreciate that you offered your feedback, and I'm incorporating what I usefully can.
Thank you all for reading, and see you next round!
I liked this; I thought it was a decent enough take on the issue, and I don't often see the dragon's impulse to hoard presented like this.
>>horizon
Way belated, but I still wanted to get to this before I do things for the next round. So let's tackle this now.
First and foremost, I do suspect there is at least some clash of reader taste and writer style. I'm a fan of, for lack of a better word I guess, snappier structure. If you check out anything I write, I run much, much shorter paragraphs on average and, I suspect if I busted out some physical books (rather than all the audios books I've been dealing with lately >>) I'd find the same is somewhat true. Moreover, I admittedly found myself thinking a few times during this that I would probably be more interested if I were more into the actual... furriness, I guess, I want to say?
Basically, I think that flying scene is for somebody. Just not for me.
Anyhow, to try and dig in a little more.
Like, I functionally like this paragraph quite a bit, and the depth of description here is super functional for really getting at the heightened sense of awareness, but, at the same time, it is really, really dense. In the space of that paragraph we charge the hamper, uncharge the hamper, charge the door, wrench the door, bang a knee, leap in the tub, get the water, and all the sensory information that goes with it. That's a lot of shit for a single paragraph.
I don't want to fault the amount of detail in this particular instance - it is serving a purpose - but I kinda feel like there are a fair number of sequences like this that I personally find a bit overwhelming to deal with.
The flight sequence is a case where I sort of lose interest in the exact detail. It is written very similarly. While I get what you're going for (the wonder of flight and how it helps), I just don't really invest in the particular detail of it, if that makes sense. I like the heavy detail when he's freaking out because it really amplifies the sensation of what's going on for me.
Example. Like I have a very clear image of what's going on, but it is in such agonizingly precise detail if I'm not actually that invested in the particulars of the flight (which I'm not - the emotive part of it is important and you are using this information to feed into it, of course, but for me it ends up reading as so much padding around the heart of the matter.
That said, this is kind of why I suspect this is just a personal taste issue: the audience I believe this anthology is for is much more likely to be interested in these particulars than me.
Hopefully that gets at it a little better?
Way belated, but I still wanted to get to this before I do things for the next round. So let's tackle this now.
First and foremost, I do suspect there is at least some clash of reader taste and writer style. I'm a fan of, for lack of a better word I guess, snappier structure. If you check out anything I write, I run much, much shorter paragraphs on average and, I suspect if I busted out some physical books (rather than all the audios books I've been dealing with lately >>) I'd find the same is somewhat true. Moreover, I admittedly found myself thinking a few times during this that I would probably be more interested if I were more into the actual... furriness, I guess, I want to say?
Basically, I think that flying scene is for somebody. Just not for me.
Anyhow, to try and dig in a little more.
The icefire is spreading through my veins to my temple, and my vision is starting to fuzz at the edges. I give in to something more primal and throw myself off the bed, staggerlanding on all fours. The lines and angles of the room are bleeding into circles, and a hot metallic taste is gripping my throat, and I'm charging to pounce the disc of my laundry hamper. As my claws reach forward to rip it apart in search of treasure, some remnant of self-control makes me flare my wings at the last second, and I fling my weight sideways and slam into my door. My claws scramble for the circlesphere of the doorknob, wrenching it toward me, and I fall across the hall and into the bathroom, banging my knee on the doorway. I drag myself to the tub, heave myself over the rim—landing in the cold and distant and uncaring embrace of the porcelain—and fumble for the cold-water tap. The shower gurgles, then bursts to life, and actual ice-water sets my nerves to screaming, flushing the adrenaline ice-water from my veins.
Like, I functionally like this paragraph quite a bit, and the depth of description here is super functional for really getting at the heightened sense of awareness, but, at the same time, it is really, really dense. In the space of that paragraph we charge the hamper, uncharge the hamper, charge the door, wrench the door, bang a knee, leap in the tub, get the water, and all the sensory information that goes with it. That's a lot of shit for a single paragraph.
I don't want to fault the amount of detail in this particular instance - it is serving a purpose - but I kinda feel like there are a fair number of sequences like this that I personally find a bit overwhelming to deal with.
The flight sequence is a case where I sort of lose interest in the exact detail. It is written very similarly. While I get what you're going for (the wonder of flight and how it helps), I just don't really invest in the particular detail of it, if that makes sense. I like the heavy detail when he's freaking out because it really amplifies the sensation of what's going on for me.
A slight pitch to my wings guides me into a slow, arcing U of a climb, and when I feel my momentum bleeding away, I roll to expose my belly to the sun, feeling heat gather on my scales for a moment before the next gust of early autumn air steals away the warmth.
Example. Like I have a very clear image of what's going on, but it is in such agonizingly precise detail if I'm not actually that invested in the particulars of the flight (which I'm not - the emotive part of it is important and you are using this information to feed into it, of course, but for me it ends up reading as so much padding around the heart of the matter.
That said, this is kind of why I suspect this is just a personal taste issue: the audience I believe this anthology is for is much more likely to be interested in these particulars than me.
Hopefully that gets at it a little better?
>>AndrewRogue
Well, FWIW (that's to say zilch) I concur with you Andrew.
That said, this is kind of why I suspect this is just a personal taste issue: the audience I believe this anthology is for is much more likely to be interested in these particulars than me.
Well, FWIW (that's to say zilch) I concur with you Andrew.
>>AndrewRogue
>>Monokeras
I appreciate the detail. I did go back and try to rein in those sections a bit.
>>Monokeras
I appreciate the detail. I did go back and try to rein in those sections a bit.
