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Celestia's Vacation
"I cannot believe you are actually going through with this, sister!" said Princess Luna, a look of frustration plastered across her muzzle.
"I'll only be gone for a month, Luna. I'm sure you can manage." With the patience of a true artist, Princess Celestia airbrushed the finishing touches of her cutie mark onto the wax figure.
Luna huffed. "It matters not how perfect a replica it is, Celie. The ceremony shall be a waste of millions of bits, not to mention the emotional turmoil you are causing to your little ponies!"
Celestia turned to her sister and gently cupped a hoof beneath her chin. "You'll be fine. And I believe it's worth a few million bits if I get to have a vacation for the first time in a millennium."
"Then what of your friends, Celie? How are they expected to handle this?" asked Luna.
"It's been taken care of," said Celestia, with a gentle grin. "Twilight and her friends already know, as does Cadance. My staff are prepared for every contingency. If dignitaries from foreign lands decide to visit, they will enjoy the ceremonies and our kingdom will grow stronger."
"And when the public learns of this ruse, after the most expensive funeral in the history of our great nation?" said Luna. "What then, oh dear sister?"
"Luna, we've already gone over this," said Celestia, frowning. "We'll just say I came back to life. Most of them think I'm some sort of goddess. They'll buy anything we tell them. We'll have a grand celebration afterwards, you'll see."
Luna sighed dejectedly. "I do not look forward to eulogizing my sister, whom I love so dearly. But far worse than this, I do not believe my attempts will be believable. I know you yet to be among the living, and I am not so gifted an actress as you are. This burden you are placing upon my withers pains me, Celie."
"Okay, fine. Maybe your performance won't be realistic," said Celestia, with a shrug. "No matter. You're a powerful alicorn, currently under great stress. For royalty, any behavior short of actual crime can be justified, no matter how queer."
"Any behavior?" said Luna, the muscles at one corner of her muzzle twitching. "Perhaps. We shall see what our citizens can swallow."
"That's the spirit!" said a smiling Celestia. "Have fun with it."
Thousands of ponies gathered below the stage, politely gasping and whining as everypony struggled admirably to avoid committing open treason. The sea of faces squirmed, bodies tensing and jaws gnashing as though each pony in attendance desperately needed to pee.
At the front of the crowd, the table of dignitaries showed remarkable restraint. Most of them planted one hoof or set of talons directly in their mouth and covered their eyes with the other. Only the emissary from Yakyakistan seemed completely unaffected.
In the first row of the audience, Pinkie Pie clearly fared worst. Her cheeks bulged out from holding her breath as her face turned a multifarious array of colors, while she simultaneously and repeatedly punched herself in the side of the head. Rainbow Dash sat right beside her, eyes clenched tightly and whining through her nose as though in great pain. Twilight's other friends hid their faces in their hooves and desperately gasped for breath every minute or so.
On Luna's right flank stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, blushing furiously. On her left stood Princess Cadance, hiding her face in her hoof. In front of the alicorns lay the coffin on a shining golden pedestal, from which Princess Celestia's unmistakeable, royal Sun-emblazoned hindquarters emerged like a hillock of smooth ivory. Far overhead, the Equestrian flag flapped gently in the breeze. Yet nopony dared look toward it, for the shiny metal pole stretched toward the Heavens at an unseemly angle.
"...and neigh, though we may never know the full reason why my sister saw fit to shove a flagpole so far up her own ass as to take her dearly beloved spirit from this world, I am certain we can all rest assured she died doing that which she loved most. And for that, we are grateful."
Pinkie collapsed onto the ground, pounding her hooves mightily against the stone flooring as a high-pitched whine gurgled in her throat.
"Lulu, why did you do this," mumbled Cadance, wincing as she bit her tongue.
Twilight Sparkle sighed. "She's going to kill you," she whispered. "Certainly, you realize this."
Luna smirked and whispered back. "Acceptable. I am prepared to fake it."
"I'll only be gone for a month, Luna. I'm sure you can manage." With the patience of a true artist, Princess Celestia airbrushed the finishing touches of her cutie mark onto the wax figure.
Luna huffed. "It matters not how perfect a replica it is, Celie. The ceremony shall be a waste of millions of bits, not to mention the emotional turmoil you are causing to your little ponies!"
Celestia turned to her sister and gently cupped a hoof beneath her chin. "You'll be fine. And I believe it's worth a few million bits if I get to have a vacation for the first time in a millennium."
"Then what of your friends, Celie? How are they expected to handle this?" asked Luna.
"It's been taken care of," said Celestia, with a gentle grin. "Twilight and her friends already know, as does Cadance. My staff are prepared for every contingency. If dignitaries from foreign lands decide to visit, they will enjoy the ceremonies and our kingdom will grow stronger."
"And when the public learns of this ruse, after the most expensive funeral in the history of our great nation?" said Luna. "What then, oh dear sister?"
"Luna, we've already gone over this," said Celestia, frowning. "We'll just say I came back to life. Most of them think I'm some sort of goddess. They'll buy anything we tell them. We'll have a grand celebration afterwards, you'll see."
Luna sighed dejectedly. "I do not look forward to eulogizing my sister, whom I love so dearly. But far worse than this, I do not believe my attempts will be believable. I know you yet to be among the living, and I am not so gifted an actress as you are. This burden you are placing upon my withers pains me, Celie."
"Okay, fine. Maybe your performance won't be realistic," said Celestia, with a shrug. "No matter. You're a powerful alicorn, currently under great stress. For royalty, any behavior short of actual crime can be justified, no matter how queer."
"Any behavior?" said Luna, the muscles at one corner of her muzzle twitching. "Perhaps. We shall see what our citizens can swallow."
"That's the spirit!" said a smiling Celestia. "Have fun with it."
Thousands of ponies gathered below the stage, politely gasping and whining as everypony struggled admirably to avoid committing open treason. The sea of faces squirmed, bodies tensing and jaws gnashing as though each pony in attendance desperately needed to pee.
At the front of the crowd, the table of dignitaries showed remarkable restraint. Most of them planted one hoof or set of talons directly in their mouth and covered their eyes with the other. Only the emissary from Yakyakistan seemed completely unaffected.
In the first row of the audience, Pinkie Pie clearly fared worst. Her cheeks bulged out from holding her breath as her face turned a multifarious array of colors, while she simultaneously and repeatedly punched herself in the side of the head. Rainbow Dash sat right beside her, eyes clenched tightly and whining through her nose as though in great pain. Twilight's other friends hid their faces in their hooves and desperately gasped for breath every minute or so.
On Luna's right flank stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, blushing furiously. On her left stood Princess Cadance, hiding her face in her hoof. In front of the alicorns lay the coffin on a shining golden pedestal, from which Princess Celestia's unmistakeable, royal Sun-emblazoned hindquarters emerged like a hillock of smooth ivory. Far overhead, the Equestrian flag flapped gently in the breeze. Yet nopony dared look toward it, for the shiny metal pole stretched toward the Heavens at an unseemly angle.
"...and neigh, though we may never know the full reason why my sister saw fit to shove a flagpole so far up her own ass as to take her dearly beloved spirit from this world, I am certain we can all rest assured she died doing that which she loved most. And for that, we are grateful."
Pinkie collapsed onto the ground, pounding her hooves mightily against the stone flooring as a high-pitched whine gurgled in her throat.
"Lulu, why did you do this," mumbled Cadance, wincing as she bit her tongue.
Twilight Sparkle sighed. "She's going to kill you," she whispered. "Certainly, you realize this."
Luna smirked and whispered back. "Acceptable. I am prepared to fake it."
Celestia faking her own death to get some time off. I understand that the story needs to fit the prompt, but this feels more than a little off for her. Apparently, Luna feels the same way I do. I can’t really argue with her treatment of the concept. Still, I think she may have actually killed Pinkie Pie in the process.
This is amusing, yes, but story contradicts its own premise. If anything an alicorn does is acceptable, surely Celestia can just say she’s taking some time off.
This is amusing, yes, but story contradicts its own premise. If anything an alicorn does is acceptable, surely Celestia can just say she’s taking some time off.
I admit it, I laughed. Celestia seems a bit off-mark, but Luna is spot-on.
I partially agree with >>FanOfMostEverything about the need to justify why Celestia can't just up and take a vacation, but I don't agree that it's a contradiction. Celestia says her subjects will believe anything, she doesn't say they'll allow her to do anything. "Trappings of the crown" is a staple trope in both fanfiction and extended canon, if not actual canon. I think a sentence or two would suffice to give it credence.
I partially agree with >>FanOfMostEverything about the need to justify why Celestia can't just up and take a vacation, but I don't agree that it's a contradiction. Celestia says her subjects will believe anything, she doesn't say they'll allow her to do anything. "Trappings of the crown" is a staple trope in both fanfiction and extended canon, if not actual canon. I think a sentence or two would suffice to give it credence.
Celestia fakes her death to get a vacation.
Luna has fun with the funeral.
The first portion of this was kind of tepid, but the buildup to the reveal was pretty amusing. Still, this was a very one-punch story, and while the windup was necessary, I’m not quite sure if the payoff (and the use of the word “ass”) really worked for it.
The final line was pretty great though.
Luna has fun with the funeral.
The first portion of this was kind of tepid, but the buildup to the reveal was pretty amusing. Still, this was a very one-punch story, and while the windup was necessary, I’m not quite sure if the payoff (and the use of the word “ass”) really worked for it.
The final line was pretty great though.
I think Luna's eulogy, harsh language and all, was spot on, mainly because it shows her frustration at the farce.
I also laughed at the punchline, and have even more respect for Yakyakistan's ambassador, a true professional.
While the buildup was indeed a bit slow (and Celestia showed maybe a bit too much contempt for her subjects) at the end it was worth it. Even if it could probably be improved by more snappy introduction.
I also laughed at the punchline, and have even more respect for Yakyakistan's ambassador, a true professional.
While the buildup was indeed a bit slow (and Celestia showed maybe a bit too much contempt for her subjects) at the end it was worth it. Even if it could probably be improved by more snappy introduction.
This is another story that has led me to public embarrassment. Obviously I should not read Writeoff stories in public on my phone, because this one brought me to tears of laughter.
I can pick on it a bit for having a nonsensical premise that leans on Celestia being a troll and Luna being ridiculous. But considering the fact that I ended up having about the same reaction as Pinkie did, I'm willing to make some allowances.
I can pick on it a bit for having a nonsensical premise that leans on Celestia being a troll and Luna being ridiculous. But considering the fact that I ended up having about the same reaction as Pinkie did, I'm willing to make some allowances.
Writer, I spent the first half of this fic thinking I was going to condemn faking one's death for the sake of a vacation as a bridge too far for Celestia - it seems callous, although it is nice that Luna is playing the advocate for the citizens of Equestria.
Then I got to the punchline, and you know what? All is forgiven. It's not often a story actually makes me laugh out loud, let alone loudly enough to summon my roommate from his room to investigate. Well played.
Final Thought: My Sister Will Not Be Writing My Eulogy
Then I got to the punchline, and you know what? All is forgiven. It's not often a story actually makes me laugh out loud, let alone loudly enough to summon my roommate from his room to investigate. Well played.
Final Thought: My Sister Will Not Be Writing My Eulogy
The ending was hilarious! Good thing I wasn't at work, because my usual answer of 'science fiction' to "What are you reading?" would probably not have worked well since I was laughing so hard. And on re-read (knowing the punchline), the previous bits that weren't quite explicable came to light and also became hilarious. Nice job. :)
That aside, my gripes are minimal and I'll leave the most minor ones out: I'll side with >>TitaniumDragon here: a little more humor and wordplay in the beginning might have made this story work better, though honestly I'm not sure that the ending would have come off quite as well without that slow curve up to the finish.
I was also brought briefly out of the story at the worst possible moment with your use of the word ass. I'm on the fence about that, too: I think you can do better than that, and potentially make this even funnier, but on the other hand it still makes me laugh. I'll be interested in seeing the FiM publish if you decide to do that.
That aside, my gripes are minimal and I'll leave the most minor ones out: I'll side with >>TitaniumDragon here: a little more humor and wordplay in the beginning might have made this story work better, though honestly I'm not sure that the ending would have come off quite as well without that slow curve up to the finish.
I was also brought briefly out of the story at the worst possible moment with your use of the word ass. I'm on the fence about that, too: I think you can do better than that, and potentially make this even funnier, but on the other hand it still makes me laugh. I'll be interested in seeing the FiM publish if you decide to do that.
Ok, THAT was out of left field! Here I am, mentally condemning Celestia for making such a callous, heartless decision... Seriously, faking your own death for a bit of time off? Wasting tons of taxpayer money? Forcing her sister into an incredibly awkward position.. And probably damaging her reputation when the citizens take note of her odd behavior upon the death of her sister (like the memories of Nightmare Moon weren't enough to put her in a bad light...)
And then you go and do that! You terrible, magnificent bastard! Oh, Celestia will never live that down! That wasn't a curve ball... It more or less took a sharp 90 degree turn!
I really don't think there's anything more to say besides kudos. ;>
And then you go and do that! You terrible, magnificent bastard! Oh, Celestia will never live that down! That wasn't a curve ball... It more or less took a sharp 90 degree turn!
I really don't think there's anything more to say besides kudos. ;>
>>TheCyanRecluse
Actually, based on the description, I was interpreting it as more like a 30 degree incline rather than just 90 degrees straight up. :trollestia:
Actually, based on the description, I was interpreting it as more like a 30 degree incline rather than just 90 degrees straight up. :trollestia:
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>CoffeeMinion
I'm thinking 60 degrees. Rear legs and chest pressed together for maximum Moby Dick effect.
>>CoffeeMinion
I'm thinking 60 degrees. Rear legs and chest pressed together for maximum Moby Dick effect.
This started slow, but made up for it all with the ending. I have little to criticize that hasn't been said already. Just some expressions I found weird, so I'll point them out:
When I hear plastered, I think of plaster, you know, as in construction. Or at least paint: something physical. Didn't work with 'a look' for me.
This may be nitpicky, but I think that's a contradiction, or if not that, at least utterly needless. The definition of grin is 'a broad smile'. A 'gentle grin' therefore would just be a smile.
This had me imagine both Twlight and Cadance literally standing on Luna's flank. Like in some weird, inverse circus pyramid. It made for a funny picture, but I don't think it was what you had in mind. Why not just go with "To Luna's right stood..."
a look of frustration plastered across her muzzle.
When I hear plastered, I think of plaster, you know, as in construction. Or at least paint: something physical. Didn't work with 'a look' for me.
gentle grin
This may be nitpicky, but I think that's a contradiction, or if not that, at least utterly needless. The definition of grin is 'a broad smile'. A 'gentle grin' therefore would just be a smile.
On Luna's right flank stood Princess Twilight Sparkle, blushing furiously. On her left stood Princess Cadance, hiding her face in her hoof.
This had me imagine both Twlight and Cadance literally standing on Luna's flank. Like in some weird, inverse circus pyramid. It made for a funny picture, but I don't think it was what you had in mind. Why not just go with "To Luna's right stood..."
>>wYvern
I agree with 'plastered' and 'gentle' being overly-poetic, though I'm just as guilty with the prose I write.
The flank thing is legit, though. It's an equestrian term and I don't think anypony would read that literally. Maybe "to Luna's right flank" instead of "on" would be better, though.
I agree with 'plastered' and 'gentle' being overly-poetic, though I'm just as guilty with the prose I write.
The flank thing is legit, though. It's an equestrian term and I don't think anypony would read that literally. Maybe "to Luna's right flank" instead of "on" would be better, though.
>>Trick_Question
So is 'flank' an equestrian term for 'side'? Like 'Dark flank of the moon'? Oh, that actually kinda works. Nevermind.
So is 'flank' an equestrian term for 'side'? Like 'Dark flank of the moon'? Oh, that actually kinda works. Nevermind.
The idea is pleasant, but I share the same qualms as the others: I don’t envision Celestia faking her own death just to cut herself some slack in a remote getaway. At a pinch (In a pinch, for you Americans), I’d see them summon a clone or build a machine at her semblance to fake her presence.
Luna’s stance during the first part was acceptable. The discourse, well… I have mixed feelings. Though I found it amusing, Luna using ‘ass’ does not fit her at all. ‘Royal Butt’ would’ve been more suitable, maybe. I expect Luna’s exasperation to show up through deliberate wry humour rather than F-kinda words. But that’s a personal opinion you don’t have to share.
The punchline was fine, through.
Luna’s stance during the first part was acceptable. The discourse, well… I have mixed feelings. Though I found it amusing, Luna using ‘ass’ does not fit her at all. ‘Royal Butt’ would’ve been more suitable, maybe. I expect Luna’s exasperation to show up through deliberate wry humour rather than F-kinda words. But that’s a personal opinion you don’t have to share.
The punchline was fine, through.
This was a crackfic. It may pretend not to be for the first half, but in the end it doesn't try to make sense. But it was a glorious crackfic, and therefor I don't mind that it isn't realistic, nor did the language bother me.
Also Celestia totally deserved it.
Also Celestia totally deserved it.
Amusing.
I originally thought the wax figure would be taking her place on the throne as an illustration that she doesn't actually have to do anything as a Princess. Like Twilight said, "smile and wave".
However, I was thoroughly amused by the purpose it actually served.
I think, even better than the reveal itself was the reactions to it. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were great, and clearly this isn't the first time the emissary of Yakyakistan has encountered such a funeral. It's the reason why Yakyakistan no longer has a national flag.
I originally thought the wax figure would be taking her place on the throne as an illustration that she doesn't actually have to do anything as a Princess. Like Twilight said, "smile and wave".
However, I was thoroughly amused by the purpose it actually served.
I think, even better than the reveal itself was the reactions to it. Pinkie and Rainbow Dash were great, and clearly this isn't the first time the emissary of Yakyakistan has encountered such a funeral. It's the reason why Yakyakistan no longer has a national flag.
Retrospective
I took most of your collective advice in revising this story. "Ass" has become "royal posterior", the descriptions in the intro are now more detailed, and it actually explains why Celestia can't simply demand a vacation.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.
I took most of your collective advice in revising this story. "Ass" has become "royal posterior", the descriptions in the intro are now more detailed, and it actually explains why Celestia can't simply demand a vacation.
So I fixed this up before posting it (as one of three stories in a Dark Comedy collection from this competition). Thanks to everypony for the feedback that made this possible.