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Bit Too Literal
This is a story about the sometimes hidden truth inside idioms. Those innocuous phrases we find ourselves uttering every day as a way to handwave details through metaphors and simile. This is story about a girl learning the truth embedded in one saying she’s heard hundreds of time before in a past life.
This is a story about Sunset Shimmer, set in...the Twilight Zone.
Sunset dropped her backpack into the empty rear-most seat on the school bus and took her spot next to it. In front of her, the next three rows were filled with her friends and their own packs. Sunset pushed her bag against the bus wall, under the window, and leaned on it to get comfortable. Puddles splashed up onto the curb as the bus gained speed and merged with the city’s evening traffic.
Sunset found her eyes drifting up toward the sky and the grey clouds that still hung wet and heavy overhead. Memories of pegasus weather ponies pushing and sculpting storm clouds in Equestria filled her mind as her math homework took a backseat in her brain. The moisture in the air was a visible haze, and when the bus turned, the sunlight caught there and split into its component colors.
She blinked sleepily at the rainbow, her thoughts turning to Princess Celestia, the motherly titan of ponydom. Long before their falling out, Sunset would hang on her every utterance. Partly out of respect, but partly to tease out every meaning. To find the hidden hints that would guide her to power and ever greater skill.
Not every phrase held meaning beyond the obvious. One in particular had always struck her as peculiar though.
“My little pony.”
Sunset yawned, turning the phrase over behind her lowering eyelids. It was a simple phrase that spoke of both Celestia’s large physical stature and her position as a mother figure to all Equestria. Still Sunset felt there was some greater truth she’d never been able to tease out of it. Something primal.
The bus hit a pothole, sending Sunset off the end of her seat. She blinked rapidly to clear her vision, catching the last flash of colorful hair as her friends got off the bus.
“Must have fallen asleep for a bit.” Sunset pulled herself up groggily, wobbling down the aisle after the girls. The bus was quiet now, the students gone, seats passing by at eye level before reaching the cliff-like steps. The white lined edge loomed a mile-wide, the floor dropping out of Sunset’s sight.
She craned her neck out over the edge. “Why are these steps so high?”
“That’s for you to find out. This is your stop, Miss Shimmer.”
“What?” Sunset looked back and up into the mists at the bus driver. Wavy rainbow hair poured from under a slightly off-white cap. Bus Driver Celestia smiled that soft smile of hers and leaned down from her high seat. Up close, her face filled Sunset’s view.
“This is your stop. Go be with your friends. You don’t have to hang on to me any longer, my little pony.”
Sunset knit her brows and looked down at herself. At her tan coat. At her hooves. They were barely big enough to keep her from falling into the ruts in the formed rubber floor mats of the bus aisle.
“This is truth, Miss Shimmer.”
“That I’m a pony the size of a house cat?” Sunset fell back on her dock, and looked back out after her titanic friends as they thundered into the house one after the other. “Are we really this small? I thought...that maybe it was a more one to one scale?”
“You are only as little as you let yourself be.” Bus Driver Celestia nodded after the other girls. “You have never been one to let that hold you back. I like that about you. So stop holding yourself back and go be with them.”
The bus shook violently, hitting a pothole. Sunset reached out and grabbed the back of the seat in front of her for purchase. They came to a stop a moment later and her friends started grabbing their bags. Sunset blinked a few times, gripped her own backpack and followed the rest of them to the front of the bus. The stairs were a lot shorter now.
She turned and gave the bus driver a smile and got a tip of the cap and a flash of rainbow colored hair in return.
This is a story about Sunset Shimmer, set in...the Twilight Zone.
~~~
Sunset dropped her backpack into the empty rear-most seat on the school bus and took her spot next to it. In front of her, the next three rows were filled with her friends and their own packs. Sunset pushed her bag against the bus wall, under the window, and leaned on it to get comfortable. Puddles splashed up onto the curb as the bus gained speed and merged with the city’s evening traffic.
Sunset found her eyes drifting up toward the sky and the grey clouds that still hung wet and heavy overhead. Memories of pegasus weather ponies pushing and sculpting storm clouds in Equestria filled her mind as her math homework took a backseat in her brain. The moisture in the air was a visible haze, and when the bus turned, the sunlight caught there and split into its component colors.
She blinked sleepily at the rainbow, her thoughts turning to Princess Celestia, the motherly titan of ponydom. Long before their falling out, Sunset would hang on her every utterance. Partly out of respect, but partly to tease out every meaning. To find the hidden hints that would guide her to power and ever greater skill.
Not every phrase held meaning beyond the obvious. One in particular had always struck her as peculiar though.
“My little pony.”
Sunset yawned, turning the phrase over behind her lowering eyelids. It was a simple phrase that spoke of both Celestia’s large physical stature and her position as a mother figure to all Equestria. Still Sunset felt there was some greater truth she’d never been able to tease out of it. Something primal.
The bus hit a pothole, sending Sunset off the end of her seat. She blinked rapidly to clear her vision, catching the last flash of colorful hair as her friends got off the bus.
“Must have fallen asleep for a bit.” Sunset pulled herself up groggily, wobbling down the aisle after the girls. The bus was quiet now, the students gone, seats passing by at eye level before reaching the cliff-like steps. The white lined edge loomed a mile-wide, the floor dropping out of Sunset’s sight.
She craned her neck out over the edge. “Why are these steps so high?”
“That’s for you to find out. This is your stop, Miss Shimmer.”
“What?” Sunset looked back and up into the mists at the bus driver. Wavy rainbow hair poured from under a slightly off-white cap. Bus Driver Celestia smiled that soft smile of hers and leaned down from her high seat. Up close, her face filled Sunset’s view.
“This is your stop. Go be with your friends. You don’t have to hang on to me any longer, my little pony.”
Sunset knit her brows and looked down at herself. At her tan coat. At her hooves. They were barely big enough to keep her from falling into the ruts in the formed rubber floor mats of the bus aisle.
“This is truth, Miss Shimmer.”
“That I’m a pony the size of a house cat?” Sunset fell back on her dock, and looked back out after her titanic friends as they thundered into the house one after the other. “Are we really this small? I thought...that maybe it was a more one to one scale?”
“You are only as little as you let yourself be.” Bus Driver Celestia nodded after the other girls. “You have never been one to let that hold you back. I like that about you. So stop holding yourself back and go be with them.”
The bus shook violently, hitting a pothole. Sunset reached out and grabbed the back of the seat in front of her for purchase. They came to a stop a moment later and her friends started grabbing their bags. Sunset blinked a few times, gripped her own backpack and followed the rest of them to the front of the bus. The stairs were a lot shorter now.
She turned and gave the bus driver a smile and got a tip of the cap and a flash of rainbow colored hair in return.
The grandiose language presents a less than pleasant contrast with the story’s revelation, such as it is. Not sure what you were going for here, but the story just kind of… exists. The last line helps, but it isn’t enough.
I have to apologise too, but I’m not sure I get the point of the story. This is very err… atmospheric? :) But I don’t understand the end, so… well… I’m just recusing myself from this case for obvious ineptness.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Hmmm. I see where this is coming from, it's very much an attempt at a Twilight Zone episode feel. The rather literal hat-tip to the ambulance driver scene at the end of the Thing on the Wing episode (I think that's what you were going for there) was a nice reference. But the "ponies are literally small" thing as the nightmare twist feels a little underwhelming. In an actual Twilight Zone episode I feel like Sunset would have gotten stepped on by Celestia or something like that, you know?
I’m a pony the size of a house cat?
I knew it! Does that mean that gryphons are the size of pigeons?
But yeah, I can't help but wonder what is the ultimate point of the story. It states that ponies are smaller than what Sunset thought. That is a funny idea, yes; however, I fail to see how the story uses that to its advantage.
You seem to be going for a straightforward Twilight Zone approach. In that case, how does the revelation of ponies being tiny play into Sunset's character? Does that perhaps tie into her desire for power? Does she do it because deep down she feels insignificant, and small in comparison to the world that surrounds her, or to Celestia herself, and that parallels the revelation of ponies actually being small?
The story never conveys such a message, it's just "Hey isn't it weird that ponies are called little when they're already small? Well, that's because Equestrian ponies are actually tiny, ain't life a stinker?"
Perhaps I'm diving into territory far too symbolic, but the Twilight Zone often used these kind of parallels for their characters as a way to elevate the stories told from simply twist-eding filler worthy of Shyamalan's darkest moments to well-rounded, deep stories with a message, and I believe you could have done that here without much effort.
I honestly loved the intro scene with Sunset just thinking about stuff while in the bus, and I think you could have used that introspective moment to plant the seeds for that eventual pay-off.
As it is right now, I want to like this more, but it doesn't quite get there.
I have to agree with the others that the story seems kinda baffling.
On the other hand... even with the rather meaningless payoff, I really loved the atmosphere and the writing in this one, from beginning to end. I think I can give this one a high grade based on style alone. I'd love to have read a longer story written with such skill.
On the other hand... even with the rather meaningless payoff, I really loved the atmosphere and the writing in this one, from beginning to end. I think I can give this one a high grade based on style alone. I'd love to have read a longer story written with such skill.
I really love the opening parts here, it's economical with words, and yet very evocative. "Merged with the city's evening traffic" threw me, honestly, but in a great way. Partly it's because I always lived in small towns, and the school bus was a rural experience. Secondly, it was because it made me question where Canterlot High was. I thought some small-town ponyville equivalent, but maybe not. So a great job using very few words to really make me see things as "real."
The middle part... is there.
The problem is, of course, the ending. I'm not sure that "ponies are actually tiny" is a good enough pay-off for the pondering about "my little pony" as a phrase. The more literal part of my brain said "the element of magic tiara came through unscathed" and that is the obvious scale reference.
As a story though, I think this has great writing, and character depth, but lacks a satisfying conclusion. Oh, and even though I know it's canon Twilight Zone, the "This is a story about..." line at the start is never a good way to open a story if done literally. That's something that needs to be subverted.
So where upon the charts do I rank thee? Well, upper quarter, despite the flaws. Because that feels about right.
The middle part... is there.
The problem is, of course, the ending. I'm not sure that "ponies are actually tiny" is a good enough pay-off for the pondering about "my little pony" as a phrase. The more literal part of my brain said "the element of magic tiara came through unscathed" and that is the obvious scale reference.
As a story though, I think this has great writing, and character depth, but lacks a satisfying conclusion. Oh, and even though I know it's canon Twilight Zone, the "This is a story about..." line at the start is never a good way to open a story if done literally. That's something that needs to be subverted.
So where upon the charts do I rank thee? Well, upper quarter, despite the flaws. Because that feels about right.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
I can't quite grasp the intended purpose here. On one hoof, it seems to be about wiggling out the meaning, if any, behind Celestia's trademark phrase. This plants well into everything being suddenly huge/Sunset being tiny, but then we get into "Let me go" territory and I'm lost again.
Bus Driver Celestia says, "You are only as little as you let yourself be.” I feel like this is meant to be the theme bridge, and I can almost feel it, but it doesn't quite bust my kneecaps.
Bus Driver Celestia says, "You are only as little as you let yourself be.” I feel like this is meant to be the theme bridge, and I can almost feel it, but it doesn't quite bust my kneecaps.
>>Shadowed_Song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2ytrFZoIN4
Is this supposed to be a parody of Grandiose Revelation Stories? Is there a metaphor I'm missing? This doesn't feel like the promised Twilight Zone; it feels more like the Sun-Slightly-Dippy-In-The-Afternoon Zone.
What's the message here? Why was Sunnybuns even concerned with that particular phrase? What is the point?
I'm not entirely sure what i just read. It was well written, but I took nothing from it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2ytrFZoIN4
Is this supposed to be a parody of Grandiose Revelation Stories? Is there a metaphor I'm missing? This doesn't feel like the promised Twilight Zone; it feels more like the Sun-Slightly-Dippy-In-The-Afternoon Zone.
What's the message here? Why was Sunnybuns even concerned with that particular phrase? What is the point?
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Monokeras
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Xepher
>>Shadowed_Song
>>Rao
>>Posh
Is that everybody? Yeah, I think that's everybody...
First of all, let me say thank you for reading this and giving me a moment of your attention and a comment. It would seem, rather unanimously, that I missed the payload here by a wide margin. But I tell you, I'm somewhat flummoxed here. As I mentioned in the Discord chat, I can't help but feel that there was a bit of overthinking going on here. I mean, it is likely my fault that that happened, but I'm really not sure WHY.
This started off with a simple idea: copy the basic Twilight Zone format of the old black and white TV show, hence the opener to set both that tone and lay the expectation groundwork. To me, the Twilight Zone was the show that explored the "clever" twist and bait & switch tropes of storytelling. It got a lot of legwork out of seeming to be smarter than it was by making the audience feel smart when they figured out what was going on. Outside of a few stand out episodes, however, it really wasn't all that good...but hey, nostalgia glasses will do that for you.
So I took a simple idea, that Sunset, a character that is known for going above and beyond for knowledge and power, would just assume that the things Celestia told her or taught her had deeper or hidden meanings. She was looking for subtext and expecting it to be there. Celestia's catch phrase sticks out in her mind as a possible source of hidden meaning, but she's never figured it out. But that's the kicker. There is no deeper meaning than what Sunset already knows: Celestia is the All-Mother and a big horse.
I mean, I start playing my hand right at the beginning. I state in the title that this story is a BIT TOO LITERAL. Right before Sunset's dream I point out that some phrases are just what they appear to be. Sunset merely thinks there is something deeper and dreams up being an actual little pony. Her sleep addled mind comes - albeit in a roundabout metaphorical way - to the conclusion that she should let go of what Celestia has said to her. To stop trying to find a deeper meaning that doesn't exist. It's holding her back, limiting her, "making her small." It's time to get on with her life and be with the people she calls friends.
Then the last line was a literal hat tip back to the Twilight Zone format and the 'last minute double twist ending' that a lot of the episodes had. A literal was-it-all-just-a-dream-or-was-it-real, duh duh DUH kind of deal. But that just served for greater confusion, apparently. My wordsmithery needs more practice it seems. Plus the original version was over 1000 words long, I tried to trim just fluff out of it, but I think I might have snipped that context too, somehow.
I know this is starting to sound like bitter grapes and bitching, and I really don't mean it to. I value all of your opinions and feedback, but as each of these comments came in, I just kept thinking, c'mon this isn't that hard or deep...
Sorry.
>>Monokeras
>>SPark
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>JudgeDeadd
>>Xepher
>>Shadowed_Song
>>Rao
>>Posh
Is that everybody? Yeah, I think that's everybody...
First of all, let me say thank you for reading this and giving me a moment of your attention and a comment. It would seem, rather unanimously, that I missed the payload here by a wide margin. But I tell you, I'm somewhat flummoxed here. As I mentioned in the Discord chat, I can't help but feel that there was a bit of overthinking going on here. I mean, it is likely my fault that that happened, but I'm really not sure WHY.
This started off with a simple idea: copy the basic Twilight Zone format of the old black and white TV show, hence the opener to set both that tone and lay the expectation groundwork. To me, the Twilight Zone was the show that explored the "clever" twist and bait & switch tropes of storytelling. It got a lot of legwork out of seeming to be smarter than it was by making the audience feel smart when they figured out what was going on. Outside of a few stand out episodes, however, it really wasn't all that good...but hey, nostalgia glasses will do that for you.
So I took a simple idea, that Sunset, a character that is known for going above and beyond for knowledge and power, would just assume that the things Celestia told her or taught her had deeper or hidden meanings. She was looking for subtext and expecting it to be there. Celestia's catch phrase sticks out in her mind as a possible source of hidden meaning, but she's never figured it out. But that's the kicker. There is no deeper meaning than what Sunset already knows: Celestia is the All-Mother and a big horse.
I mean, I start playing my hand right at the beginning. I state in the title that this story is a BIT TOO LITERAL. Right before Sunset's dream I point out that some phrases are just what they appear to be. Sunset merely thinks there is something deeper and dreams up being an actual little pony. Her sleep addled mind comes - albeit in a roundabout metaphorical way - to the conclusion that she should let go of what Celestia has said to her. To stop trying to find a deeper meaning that doesn't exist. It's holding her back, limiting her, "making her small." It's time to get on with her life and be with the people she calls friends.
Then the last line was a literal hat tip back to the Twilight Zone format and the 'last minute double twist ending' that a lot of the episodes had. A literal was-it-all-just-a-dream-or-was-it-real, duh duh DUH kind of deal. But that just served for greater confusion, apparently. My wordsmithery needs more practice it seems. Plus the original version was over 1000 words long, I tried to trim just fluff out of it, but I think I might have snipped that context too, somehow.
I know this is starting to sound like bitter grapes and bitching, and I really don't mean it to. I value all of your opinions and feedback, but as each of these comments came in, I just kept thinking, c'mon this isn't that hard or deep...
Sorry.
>>Fuzzyfurvert
If I may... The story title is a "Bit Too Literal," yes, but in the narration/intro, you write
That implies, by Twilight Zone standards, that whatever Sunset learns IS "the truth." She learns in the dream that ponies are super small (but that shouldn't hold her back, of course.) Nothing contradicts that, and the "flash of hair" at the end seems to confirm the dream as something more, and therefore something true.
By that logic, I (and I suspect others) take away that it was Celestia who is "a bit too literal" with her saying, NOT Sunset in her interpretation of that saying, as Sunset was looking for something metaphorical, not literal.
So we're left with three actual views on the saying, with two possible endings. Sunset starts off thinking it is a deep metaphor. She learns something new though (per the intro) and your intention seems to have been that it is "just a saying" with no deeper meaning. However, a lot of us who read it interpret it as the saying turning out to be literally true. To be honest, I think either either interpretation is equally valid, if based solely on the story as written. The good news is that it's probably a minor fix to provide just enough more info to shift it clearly to what you intended.
If I may... The story title is a "Bit Too Literal," yes, but in the narration/intro, you write
This is story about a girl learning the truth...
That implies, by Twilight Zone standards, that whatever Sunset learns IS "the truth." She learns in the dream that ponies are super small (but that shouldn't hold her back, of course.) Nothing contradicts that, and the "flash of hair" at the end seems to confirm the dream as something more, and therefore something true.
By that logic, I (and I suspect others) take away that it was Celestia who is "a bit too literal" with her saying, NOT Sunset in her interpretation of that saying, as Sunset was looking for something metaphorical, not literal.
So we're left with three actual views on the saying, with two possible endings. Sunset starts off thinking it is a deep metaphor. She learns something new though (per the intro) and your intention seems to have been that it is "just a saying" with no deeper meaning. However, a lot of us who read it interpret it as the saying turning out to be literally true. To be honest, I think either either interpretation is equally valid, if based solely on the story as written. The good news is that it's probably a minor fix to provide just enough more info to shift it clearly to what you intended.
>>Xepher
Hmmm...I think that might be it. I conflated the the wrong bits and just confused everyone. I swear, it's always the tiniest thing that can throw a meaning or connotation out the window and create a snowballing effect.
Hmmm...I think that might be it. I conflated the the wrong bits and just confused everyone. I swear, it's always the tiniest thing that can throw a meaning or connotation out the window and create a snowballing effect.
>>Fuzzyfurvert
Never seen any episode of the Twilight Zone, so no wonder I didn’t get it… :P
Never seen any episode of the Twilight Zone, so no wonder I didn’t get it… :P